[Scene : Joey and Michael's Apartment - Joey and Alex]
Alex: Joey, it's late. What's the tenant emergency?
Joey: Look, I swear it's important. It is so warm in L.A. that I am not feeling the Christmas spirit.
Alex: Okay, my beeper is for emergencies! Okay? It is not for talking about the holidays, or for when you're in the hot tub and cant reach a towel, or for when your out of jelly.
Joey: But you brought the jelly, right?
Joey: Ok now, uh, I just have a few simple ideas on how to make the apartment more festive. You don’t have to do anything. I just need your approval.
Joey: Can I dress your cat like a reindeer?
Joey: I’m sorry, may I dress your cat like a reindeer?
Joey: Okay, alright. When do you freeze the hot tub for skating?
Alex: Never. That’s impossible.
Joey: Impossible, or Mmm, possible?
Alex: Ok, why don’t you let me look at your list and I can tell you what you can do?
[Joey hands Alex the list]
Alex: No. No. I don’t even know what a live snow man is. That is offensive to non-Christians. And that is offensive to everyone.
Joey: Oh, come on. You gotta give me something.
Alex: Well, you can do this - get a tree and some lights.
Joey: Alright, well that’s a start. Look, I know I’m all worked up about it but it's my first holiday season in L.A. and it just doesn’t feel right. Okay? So we have to all work that much harder to make it special. It's like I said when I was in A Christmas Carol, "Figgy pudding, figgy puddin for sale." I had a really small part.
[Scene : The Deep Powder Building]
Joey: Hi, I’m Joey Tribbiani. I have a meeting with the executive producer.
Tracy: I’m Tracy, Lauren’s assistant.
Joey: Oh, uh, who’s Lauren?
Tracy: The executive producer..
Joey: Oh, right. Sorry, I’m a little nervous. It’s nice to meet you, Lauren.
Tracy: Uh, why don’t you just go in.
[Joey enters Lauren’s office]
Joey: Wow, you’re the executive producer? Good thing I didn’t see you outside. I probably would’ve hit on you.
Lauren: You did. Before one of your auditions, you asked me if I wanted to go back to your place and.. split a candy bar?
Joey: You were smart to say no. There was no candy bar.
Lauren: We haven’t been formerly introduced. I’m Lauren Beck, and I’m thrilled to be working with you.
[Lauren puts a tissue on her hand, and shakes hands with Joey]
Joey: Oh yeah, oh. Um, I’m sorry. What’s the deal with the tissue?
Lauren: Oh, I’m a little compulsive, especially when I get nervous.
Joey: Oh hey, that’s totally normal. I’m compulsive too. Like, I wash my hands almost every day.
Lauren: It used to be much worse. When I came in the office I had to open and close the drawers a hundred times and then I’d constantly run home and check if the oven was off.
Joey: Hey, that’s actually a good idea. I have an aunt. She left her oven on – burned her house down. She lost everything.
[Lauren gets on the intercom]
Lauren: (Yelling) Tracy, I’m gonna need you to go back to my house and check the oven again.
Joey: You know, if you left it on, it’s probably already too late.
Lauren: What are you doing? Listen, the reason I called you in is we’re having a press junket, and I’m gonna need you to be front and center as our sexiest cast member.
Joey: I bet you say that to all the cast members.
Lauren: Yes, I do. Anyway, they’re gonna ask you some questions. Just be polite and charming. You know, you might want to think of some funny material.
Joey: Ooh, how about this, “What is the deal with the kiwi? Huh? Is it a fruit? is it a vegetable? I mean come on!”
Lauren: It’s a fruit.
Lauren: Anyway, you’ll do great. And we just got the first script, and it’s amazing. There’s some twists in here that’ll blow your mind.
Joey: Oh really, can I take it?
[Joey picks up the script]
Lauren: Uh, just keep it between us because you’re the first one to see it.
Joey: Is that because I’m the sexiest cast member?
Lauren: No, it’s because you got your germs on it and I don’t want it back.
[Scene : A Christmas Tree Farm – Joey, Gina, and Michael. Joey's dressed in winter clothes]
Joey: God, I’m so hot.
Michael: Then take off the hat and the parka.
Joey: No, this is what I’ve worn every time I picked out a good tree. When people see you guys dressed like that, you know what they think? They think “These people have no Christmas spirit.” You know what they think when they see me?
Gina: That guy from Days of Our Lives is homeless?
Joey: I’m sorry, but I am trying to get into the holiday spirit, okay? Is this how you normally buy a tree, in summer clothes?
Gina: Actually, we haven’t gotten a tree since Michael was little.
Joey: What? Why not?
Gina: Christmas is only fun when you have kids and they believe in that Christmas magic. He figured out the whole deal with Santa when he was three.
Michael: Yeah, it’s just basic math. It would be impossible for Santa to visit all the children of the world in one night even in if you assume a generous 50% naughty rate.
Joey: Well, those of us who love Christmas are not gonna let you and math and you’re friend, the sun, ruin our hoiliday. (Yelling) Are we people?!
Gina: Joey, why are you shouting?
Joey: Am I shouting? I think I’m having a stroke.
Michael: Can we please just choose a tree and get out of here?
Joey: Fine. (Walks up to a man) Greetings, woodsman. So, what are we looking at here – Douglas fir or spruce?
Man: I don’t know, I’m just a stock boy at the supermarket.
Gina: Oh, do you carry a fortified wine called, “The Fist?”
Joey: Gina, focus! Okay? Let’s take a look at these things.
[Joey walks around looking at different trees]
Joey: No. No. No, this one’s trying too hard.
Gina: Oh, pick one. What’s the difference? It’s just gonna die.
Joey: Oh, well, you could say the same thing about Michael here, but you don’t love him any less. Huh? Look, this tree has gotta be perfect. It’s my favorite thing about Christmas… except for Rudolph.
Michael: Okay, all right, let’s just assume for a second that a nose can glow. On order to produce enough light to actually guide a sleigh-
Joey: Shut it! You are ruining Christmas for all these little kids.
[Joey points to the miniature trees]
Gina: What kids? Are you talking about the trees?
Joey: I got to find some shade.
[Scene : The Press Junket’s Waiting Room]
Joey: Hey. Sorry I’m late. The press junket hasn’t started already, has it? I had to buy a Christmas tree.
Lauren: Is there more to this excuse?
Lauren: Wow. So, let me introduce you to the cast. This of course is Katie, your daughter.
Katie: Hey sexy, we still need to get that drink.
Lauren: You two won’t be sitting next to each other. This is Bodie. He plays a ski instructor.
Joey: Hey, I’m Joey Tribbiani.
Bodie: Oh man, I love you!
Joey: Oh, you know me from Days of Our Lives.
Bodie: No, I just think you’re awesome!
Lauren: Uh, this is Gunnar. We don’t know what role he’s playing but.. he’s hot.
Lady: Lauren, they want to start.
Lauren: Okay, let’s go.
Joey: Uh, Lauren. Lauren, quick thing. Listen uh, these kids are all newbies, and I’m an old pro, so should we come up with a signal in case you think I’m being too charismatic and blowing someone else off the stage?
Lauren: Good idea. How’s this for a signal?
[Lauren makes a gagging gesture]
Joey: Nice. Yeah, okay.
[They enter the room where the press junket is being held]
Lauren: All right, ladies and gentlemen, my name is Lauren Beck, and I’m executive producer of Deep Powder-
[Joey realizes no one else is applauding - he gets quiet]
Lauren: It’s my pleasure to present the cast. So let’s open the floor to questions.
Reporter 1: This question’s for Bodie Blair. If you could say one thing to your public, what would it be?
Bodie: ‘Sup, public?
Reporter 1: Thank you.
Reporter 2: HI, this is for Katie Harper. Katie, what are your hobbies?
Katie: I’m into erotic art.
Joey: Uh, I have a couple of follow up questions related to that.
[Lauren elbows Joey]
Joey: Ow! It can wait ‘til later.
Reporter 3: Mr. Tribbiani, you got your start in theater. I have a question related to that.
Joey: Ah, hit me.
Reporter 3: Dramaturgically speaking, Deep Powder is clearly a rehashing of the Lear paradigm combined with elements of Aristophanes, and of course, it goes without saying, Sheridan. Will this source material inform your portrayal of the patriarch?
Joey: (Confused) What?!
Reporter 3: The classics do permeate all modern media. I mean, surely this will color your realization of the character.
Joey: Geez, what magazine is this lady from?
[Lauren stares at Joey]
Reporter 3: Is there anything you can tell us about the show?
Joey: Well, yeah. Yeah, I could do that. I just read the first episode, and there are some plot twists in there that will blow your mind. Like, in the first episode, this guy dies! (Points to Bodie)
[All the reporters quickly start writing in their notebooks]
Bodie: I die?! I just bought a Ferrari!
Lauren: Joey, that was supposed to be a surprise.
Joey: Oh uh, Okay, I’m gonna have to collect all your little notebooks.
[Scene : Lauren’s Office]
Lauren: (Slamming drawers) 98, 99, 100! Thanks for this Joey! (She goes to another drawer) 1, 2-
Joey: Lauren, Lauren, Lauren, look. I am so sorry I screwed up the plot twist. I panicked.
Lauren: Didn’t they ever have press junkets on Days of Our Lives?
Joey: Yeah, but the producer always forgot to tell me about them. That’s good producing.
Lauren: I’m just really disappointed, Joey. I was really counting on you. You’re our most experienced actor, and you’re the patriarch.
Joey: Hey, hey. We’re all Americans here.
Lauren: I want you to understand that what you did affects a lot of people. We’re gonna have to throw out the script now, and I’m gonna be up all night with the writers trying to come up with a new plot twist.
Joey: So you’re not gonna kill Bodie?
Lauren: No, which is a shame, because his transition from professional skateboarding to acting hasn’t been as smooth as I’d hoped.
Joey: Lauren, I’m so sorry. Look, I screwed up, but hey, on the bright side, I helped you forget about your oven.
[Lauren gets on the intercom]
Lauren: (Yelling) Tracy!
Joey: I’ll tell her on the way out.
[Scene : Joey and Michael’s House – Joey is decorating a tree – Gina and Michael Enter]
Joey: Hey, guys. Check it out. I got the perfect tree. It smells like Christmas when we were kids, and the girl selling it had crazy low jeans on.
Gina: And I found a store down by the airport that carries “The Fist
Michael: So are you feeling better about the press conference thing?
Joey: My boss was pretty mad at me, but I’m trying not to let it get me down, you know? I mean, it is the holiday season. And as I said in A Christmas Carol, (Speaking in a bad cockney accent) “Oy, a sixpence, Guv’nor! Thank you kindly!”
Michael: Oh, hey, Joey, looks like they sent you a new script.
Joey: Oh, great. All right. I’ll start studying my lines now. Since I screwed up, I really need to impress my boss.
Gina: So now that they can’t kill Bodie, what’s the new twist?
Joey: Oh, well, Lauren wouldn’t tell me, but if she’s as talented as she is crazy, it’s gonna be good, yeah. (Looking at the script) Uh.. oh, cool. I’m in the last scene.
Gina: Oh good for you, what are you doing?
Joey: Uhh.. ooh, I’m up on a cliff. And I’m defusing a bomb! That sounds dangerous! (Realizing) Oh my God! I’m the plot twist! I can’t believe they’re going to kill me.
Michael: Are you sure? Does the bomb actually go off?
Joey: Uh, well, I ddon’t know. Let’s see. The end is..
[Joey flips to the last page]
Joey: (Reading) “The last page will not be distributed due to Joey Tribbiani - based security reasons.” Oh, this is so bad!
Gina: No, no, no. Calm down. People want to fire me all the time, and there’s a real easy way to get out of it.
Gina: By falsely accusing them of sexual harassment. Here’s a little move I like to call, “The Reverse.”
[Gina backs up to Michael, and puts his hand on her butt]
Gina: (Gasps) How dare you! I will see you in court! See?
Michael: Actually, “The Reverse” paid for my space camp.
Joey: Gina, I am not gonna do that. Ugh, why couldn’t that reporter have asked me something I could answer? I knew I should’ve talked about the kiwi!
Michael: Joey, maybe you’re over reacting. There’s another character in the bomb scene with you; this guy, Charlie. Maybe they’ll kill him off.
Joey: Maybe, yeah. All right. Ok, I’m gonna go down to the set early and see if I can change Lauren’s mind. If I can’t change her mind, I’ll just- I’ll just take it like a man and..
[Joey backs into Michael]
Michael: What are you doing?
Joey: I could ask the same question of you, sir!
[Scene : The set of Deep Powder]
Joey: Hey, Katie.
Katie: Joey. I read the script. I’m sorry. Maybe we can go back to my dressing room and I can cheer you up.
Joey: Oh boy, any other time that would be great, but I’m really not in the right place for that right now. You understand, don’t you?
Joey: Oh, I like you.
[Katie Leaves – Gunnar Enters]
Gunnar: Hey, Dead-o. (Imitates an explosion)
Joey: Haha, very funny, Gunnar. You know, you don’t even have a character.
Gunnar: Yeah well, at least my none-character’s alive.
Joey: Should never try to match wits with Gunnar. Uh, hey, Lauren. Look, I just read the script, and I just want to say please, please don’t kill me.
Lauren: But you haven’t read the last page. You might not die.
Lauren: But you probably do.
Joey: All right, I know you’re looking for a big plot twist, but there’s another guy, Charlie, in the scene with me. Maybe he could die.
Lauren: That’s an interesting idea. Why don’t I introduce you to Charlie?
Joey: Oh, yeah.
[They walk over to a little boy]
Lauren: Joey, this is Sawyer. He’s playing Charlie.
Sawyer: I’m eight. I’m home-schooled.
Joey: He’s adorable. You’re not gonna kill him. Aw crap!
Sawyer: That’s a swear word. Put a quarter in the jar.
[They walk away from Sawyer]
Joey: Oh, yeah, what a cutie. Let me make the case for killing the kid.
Joey: Yeah, it’s so crazy. No one would see it coming. Now I’m not a writer, but what if this kid is, like, a Russian spy, yeah? And I tie him to the bomb and I run, and I’m all “Eat bomb, Commie!” Huh?
Lauren: I don’t think so. Excuse me.
[Lauren Leaves – Joey sits down and sees Charlie standing next to him]
Charlie: Why so glum, chum?
Joey: Hey, Sawyer. You wanna play a game? Go over to the producer lady and tell her she left her oven on.
[Scene : Joey and Michael’s House – Michael and Alex watching TV]
Alex: Oh, God, I wish I was Oprah.
Michael: (Scoffs) Me, too.
[Gina Enters carrying a big box]
Gina: Any word from Joey yet?
Michael: No, not yet. What’s in the box?
Gina: Well, it seems like Joey’s about to be fired, so I thought we could surprise him by decorating the place for Christmas.
Michael: Are these our old ornaments? I haven’t seen these in a long time.
Gina: That’s because it’s been a while since we’ve had a child to decorate for, but now we do; Joey!
Alex: Oh, when he comes home and sees this place all decorated just think how his little face will light up.
[Gina and Michael start pulling things out of the box]
Gina: Oh, it’s your first ornament.
Michael: Oh, my God.
Gina: A snow globe.
Michael: A bottle of tequila?
Gina: You try putting together a tricycle without a man around.
Michael: Um, mom, this is fine. But if you’re going to do this, you should go all out. Do something big.
Gina: Like what?
Alex: Well, I know he’d like an all-monkey manger scene with a squirrel baby Jesus.
Michael: How do you know that?
Alex: It was one of the things on his list.
[Alex hands them the list]
Gina: Oh, this is perfect. We can find out exactly what he wants.
Michael: All right, why does he want gypsies?
Gina: Hmm, he gets them confused with elves; always has. Yeah, but there is some stuff on here we can do.
Gina: Oh, he wants carolers. Do we know anyone who can sing?
Alex: (Singing tunelessly) Siiiiilent N-
Gina: Okay, no carolers!
[Scene : The set of Deep Powder]
Lauren: Okay everybody, we’re ready to shoot the bomb scene.
Joey: Uh, listen, Lauren, I don’t want to pull a star trip right now, but this scene doesn’t work for me creatively.
Lauren: Joey, please take your mark.
Joey: You know what, can I just- can I take a second?
Lauren: Yeah, yeah. Everybody let’s all gather round and take a second, and give a round of applause to Joey Tribbiani. It’s been great working with him.
[Everyone applauds – Gunnar imitates an explosion again]
Lauren: Okay, let’s get started.
Joey: Oh, but-but, I don’t know what to do at the end. You didn’t let me read the last page.
Lauren: Oh, it’s pretty clear what happens in the end. And then the special effects guys take over.
Joey: And then bring in the dinosaur that carries me to safety?
Lauren: All right, and rolling. And cue the snow.
Marker: Deep Powder, Scene 58, Take 1.
Lauren: And… action!
Charlie: Come on, Captain Powder. You gotta run! That bomb’s gonna ‘splode!
Joey: No, I have to see this through. You run, Charlie. (Sarcastically) You’re lifes more important than mine.
Joey: Well, I guess it’s just you and me now, Powder Mountain. If I don’t make it out of this alive, it doesn’t really matter, because all that matters (Sarcastically) is that the mountain lives on.
Lauren: Now cut the wire.
[Joey cuts the wire]
Lauren: And the bomb doesn’t explode. Now react.
Joey: What? It didn’t go off? Oh, my God, I’m alive! I can’t believe I did it!
[Gunnar looks mad - Katie and Bodie smile]
Lauren: This is great Joey, we can use this, keep going.
Joey: Oh, oh, great! The sky is bluer the snow is whiter. Joey’s back! Suck it bomb!
Lauren: And cut!
Joey: I am so relieved! I really thought I was gonna die.
Lauren: You have a great performance.
Joey: Wait a minute. You were messing with me to get back at me from the press conference?
Lauren: What, me? Mess with my sexiest cast member?
Joey: Yeah, you wouldn’t do that.
Lauren: Well, welcome back to Powder Mountain.
Joey: Thank you. How ‘bout a hug?
Lauren: How ‘bout just a wave?
[Scene : The Courtyard – Michael, Gina, and Alex – Joey Enters]
Joey: Hey, guys. Guess what? Great news. I didn’t die!
[They all congratulate him]
Joey: Yeah, yeah, let’s go out and celebrate.
Gina: Let’s go in the apartment first.
Joey: No, no, it’s boring in there. Let’s go do something special.
Gina: Maybe there’s something special in the apartment.
Joey: No, no, let’s go out.
Gina: Get in the damn apartment!
[They all go inside – It’s all decorated]
Joey: (Gasps) Oh, my God!
Alex: Oh, look at his little face!
Joey: You guys, it looks fantastic in here. I can’t believe you did this.
Gina: We couldn’t get you everything on your list, but we got you an inflatable snowman.
Alex: And a dancing Santa.
[Alex turns on the dancing Santa]
Michael: And Joey..
[Michael picks up two elves]
Gina: Here, have some eggnog.
Gina: I spiked it with The Fist.
Joey: Ah.. (He hands it back to Gina) I am finally feeling like it’s Christmas, you know? This is really special. I get to keep my job. I’m surrounded by friends and family. It’s like I said in that holiday beer commercial that only aired in Germany, “Das ist ein gut Christmas Bier!”
[Scene : Lauren’s Office]
Lauren: So that’s basically the plot for the next episode. Any questions?
Joey: Uh, yeah. I’ve been meaning to ask you, so since you didn’t kill Bodie and you didn’t kill me, do you still need a plot twist?
Lauren: Oh, I have a plot twist. There was somebody actually who behaved even worse than you did.
Gunnar: Hey, sweet mama. You wanted to see me?
Lauren: Yeah, Gunnar, are you ready to shoot this scene?
Gunnar: I was born ready, baby. Hey Dead-o. Guess who finally got a character? I’m a helicopter blade inspector. And I get to play it drunk.
Lauren: Joey, would you care to come watch this scene?
Joey: I think I’d like that Lauren.