[Scene: Joey and Michael's apartment. Michael and Gina there as Joey enters]
Gina: Hey. How'd it go with Sara? Did you tell her you love her.
Joey: Uh huh. Then I asked her to move in!
Joey: Surprised? Me too!
Michael: What about me? Just...if she moves in here, where am I going to go? I mean, I can't move back in with my mother.
Gina: That's true, he can't. I turned his room into a recording studio. (Joey and Michael look at her) I have dreams.
Joey: All right, well, look. We didn't talk about it but if worse comes to worse you can stay here with me and my live-in girlfriend in this apartment, that won't stop spinning.
Gina: You guys have only been going out a month, and you asked her to move in with you? That is a big decision. Seems a little fast to me.
Joey: Yeah? (points to Michael) You like thinking through life's big decisions, do ya?
Gina: You're actually going to go through with this?
Joey: Well, I want her to stay, and moving in was the only thing I could think of to get her to stay. And if I'm not totally comfortable with it yet, I'll... I'll... I'll fake it till I get there.
Gina: You really think you could pull that off?
Joey: Please, come on. I'm an actor.
(someone knocks on the door, Sara enters)
Sara: I was thinking about going shopping tomorrow. If we're going to live together, maybe we can get some new things. What do you think?
Joey: That sounds really nice--buying stuff together. It's like a whole new start. Love it. (they kiss and Sara leaves)
Gina: Wow, that's some good acting.
(Joey mumbles incoherently)
[Scene: Joey and Michael's apartment. Gina and Joey there as Alex enters.]
Alex: Hey guys.
Alex: Something kind of exciting happened yesterday. A guy at work asked me out.
Gina: Wow, that was quick.
Alex: I know. I just started telling people I was getting like, two days ago. And then this guy that I've never even talked to comes up to me...
Joey: Ah, the Office Joey.
Joey: There's a group of men, of which I am a proud member, whose senses are so finely tuned that they can identify the need for rebound sex. And we provide that sex.
Alex: I don't think he's that kind of guy.
Joey: Oh, really? Did he offer to help you move furniture now that your husband's gone?
Alex: He did.
Joey: Well played, Office Joey.
Gina: So you going to go out with him?
Alex: I guess so, yeah. I'm going to go out on my first date.
Joey: Wow. That's a big step.
Alex: Yeah. Speaking of which, I heard about you and Sara.
Joey: I know, huh? It's a little fast but I'm really excited to take our relationship to the next level.
Gina: I didn't buy it that time.
Joey: Yeah, I may be losing it.
Michael: So, Seth and I were waiting in line for the opening of the new Star Wars movie, right? Seth got into a fight...lost our place.
Alex: That kid got into a fight?
Michael: Yeah. Another person in line was also dressed as Princess Leia, and he like, consider that his thing.
Joey: Look, Michael. If you want I could call my agent and see if she could get you into, like, an advanced screening.
Michael: Oh, my God. That would be incredible! I mean, I'd be the coolest guy in Cal Tech. Except for that guy who can throw a Frisbee.
Joey: I'll give Bobbie a call. (gets up and grabs phone)
Gina: Wait. I don't know. I don't like the way she looks at Michael. (takes phone)
Alex: How does she look at him?
Gina: The way I look at the guy who delivers Joey's water.
Alex: Gina, that guy is filthy.
Gina: I know!
Joey: (takes the phone from Gina and dials) Hey, Bobbie. You got a minute?
Bobbie: Oh, good. It's you. Great news. I got you the cover of Bride magazine. Joey: What? Why?
Bobbie: Is this not Tori Spelling?
Joey: No. It's Joey.
Bobbie: Oh, good. It's you. Listen. They want you to go into work today to shoot a promo for the season finale of Deep Powder.
Joey: Today? Why didn't you tell me sooner.
Bobbie: I've been busy. Some crazy people at work think I have a drinking problem. I can't go to the bathroom without them staging an intervention. And it's killing me, 'cause that's where I do most of my drinking.
Joey: Well, look, anyway, the reason I'm calling is because I need a favor for my nephew.
Bobbie: Really? Well, put him on.
Joey: (handing Michael the phone) She wants to talk to you.
Bobbie: Hello, Michael. Ah...Is it time?
Michael: No. I'm just actually calling to see if you can get my friend Seth and I tickets to a Star Wars screening.
Bobbie: Done. But in return, I would like pictures of you doing the following things:
Michael: Uh-huh. (pause) Uh-huh. (pause) Okay. (hangs up phone) This better be one hell of a movie.
[Scene: Joey and Sara are shopping in a store]
Sara: Okay, I think we can get some new kitchen utensils, a new bath mat...
Joey: No, no. That's small stuff. We need sheets, towels, comforters, matching robes, some of those really nice wooden hangers. Oh, hold on a second. I saw something back there that would be great for us. (Joey walks to a different aisle and starts to hyperventilate, then grabs something random off the shelf and walks back) Got it.
Sara: Joey, this is a baby monitor. I don't think we're ready for that.
Joey: But someday soon, huh? (returns baby monitor back to the shelf and hyperventilates some more, then walks back)
Sara: You okay?
Joey: Yeah. It's just a little hot in here is all. (picks up a cloth and wipes his neck off, then throws it in the cart) I guess we're buying that.
(another couple walks near them)
Girl: Oh, these would look so nice in the new place.
Sara: Oh, are you guys just moving in together, too?
Man: Yes, we are.
Sara: Aww...(walks away)
Man: (whispering to Joey) Get out while you can!
(they walk away)
(store employee walks up to Sara)
Employee: Can I help you?
Sara: Oh, yeah. We're, um, we're looking for some new towels. We're moving in together.
Joey: And I'm excited!
Employee: (picks up towels) I'd go with these. They're not cheap, but they'll last you guys forever.
Joey: Forever? Well, that's a long time.
Employee: You're really going to love them.
Joey: I didn't say I didn't love them. I love them, that's huge!
Sara: Okay, what's going on? Are you having second thoughts about all of this?
Joey: No! No. It's the towels! I'm freaking out about living with these towels. Ew. Yech!
Sara: You're not talking about the towels are you? I knew this was too fast. Oh, God! Oh, God! (starts to hyperventilate)
(the couple walks by them again)
Man: (whispers to Joey) She's not looking. Run!
(Joey walks over to Sara and holds her)
[Scene: Sara's apartment. Joey and Sara enter]
Sara: How you doing? Feeling any better?
Joey: I'm great. Nothing cures a panic attack like a seventy five mile-per-hour drive home. I didn't know you were freaking about moving in.
Sara: I wasn't freaking out until you were freaking out. What happened? You seemed so sure about it.
Joey: I was acting!
Sara: Wow. You're good.
Joey: I know! Why do I keep getting jeers in TV Guide?!
Sara: It's just so fast! I've never moved in with anyone before. The longest I've ever dated anyone was six weeks!
Joey: What? You don't know about relationships either? Well what the hell are we doing here? Who's flying this plane?!
Sara: I was willing to take a chance to do this, but it scares me that you're so unsure. One of us has to be certain.
Joey: I pick you. I'm sorry. It's just...It is...It's just so scary.
Sara: I know. Maybe we shouldn't do this. I could probably get my job back in D.C.
Joey: No, I don't want you to go. Sara, I love you. I do. I love you. And I will stop freaking out. I promise.
Sara: Okay. Then so will I.
Joey: Okay. (they kiss)
Sara: You know, that's the first time you actually said "I love you" to me?
Joey: I did?! (Sara looks at him) Eh? Take that, TV Guide.
[Scene: Deep Powder set. Joey enters and sees Bodie]
Joey: Hey, Bodie. What's up?
Bodie: Dude! I don't know what's going on, but all these extras keep on hitting on me.
Joey: Oh. I'm in a committed relationship now, so I've been referring them to you.
Bodie: Oh, dude! (they shake hands)
Director: Okay, guys. Let's get started
Joey: Well, I haven't seen the script for the promo yet.
Director: Oh, don't worry about it. The whole thing is on cue cards. It's really simple.
Joey: Oh. (him and Bodie walk onto the set) Oh, great. Gunnar, you're in this thing, too?
Gunnar: That's right. You ready for me to put the "pro" in "promo"?
Joey: (turning to Bodie) How does he come up with that stuff?
Director: Okay, guys. A couple of takes, then you'll be out of here. Let's roll it.
Set guy: Deep Powder promo, take one.
Gunnar: Hey, America. I hope you enjoyed tonight's exciting Deep Powder finale.
Bodie: Yeah. Now you can shred on over to deeppowdertv.com.
Joey: Where, for the next three hours, you can vote for which one of us gets killed off at the beginning of next season. Wait. What?! Did you guys know about this?
Bodie: Yeah. Isn't it a cool contest?
Joey: No! They're going to kill one of us. Why aren't you guys upset?
Gunnar: I'm so much bigger than this crappy show.
Bodie: And I'm just really high right now, so...
[Scene: The movie theater. A man leads Michael to his seat and he sits down]
Michael: Whew! Hi. I'm Michael. (to the man next to him)
Man: Hello, Michael. Alan...
Michael: Banderwald. I know who you are. You were assistant editor on Episode II. (Alan sighs) Uncomfortable, huh? Yeah, I do that to people.
(the movie starts, and Michael calls someone on his cell phone.)
Michael: Seth, where the hell are you? The movie's about to start, and I'm sitting next to Alan Banderwald! What do you mean, you never got your ticket?! Then who has it? (Bobbie sits down next to him)
[Scene: Joey and Michael's apartment. Gina is there. Joey enters]
Joey: They're going to kill me at work!
Gina: Is it 'cause of that chair I stole?
Gina: I guess not. What are you talking about?
Joey: There's gonna be an Internet vote to see if they're gonna kill me or Gunnar or Bodie.
Gina: Oh, no. They can't kill Bodie.
(Alex enters from back door)
Alex: Hey, guys. I just wanted you to check my outfit before my date.
Gina: Wow, Alex. You look great!
Joey: Yeah. Office Joey's gonna be bragging to Office Michael tomorrow.
Alex: I haven't been on a date in, like, ten years? Have the rules changed? What's expected of me?
Joey: What do you mean?
Alex: Well, I mean, like, do I have to have sex at the end of the night?
Joey: Oh, Alex. Of course not. You can have it at the beginning.
Gina: Don't listen to him. Just do whatever you want. Just have fun.
Alex: All right, I'm doing this. Tonight, I officially start moving on. I'm gonna get wild. I'm gonna stay out late. I'm gonna put perfume right there. (points to breasts, clicks tongue, then exits)
Gina: I'm gonna say it. I'm a little turned on right now.
Joey: All right. I'm going to go check in with Sara. I, uh... I got her a little present to show her I'm excited about moving in. (grabs some towels off the counter)
Gina: Oh, I see what you're doing. Got a little piece of jewelry hidden in there.
Joey: No, no. The towels are the gift. It's a symbol.
Gina: Of your cheapness?
(Joey exits and Howard enters.)
Howard: Hey, Joey.
Joey: Oh, hey, Howard.
Howard: I just heard about the Deep Powder online voting thing, and I want you to know that I'm gonna vote as many times as it takes to save you.
Joey: That's really nice, but you're just one person. It's not going to make a difference.
Howard: How do you think Win A Date With Tad Hamilton won the People's Choice Awards for best picture?
Joey: You did that?
Howard: Yeah. I used up all my vacation days, but it got done.
Joey: Well, thanks, Howard. You're okay.
Howard: You're my best friend too!
Joey: Okay. (turns around and enters Sara's apartment) Sara? (her apartment is empty. Joey walks over to the fireplace mantel and reads a note. He exits)
[Scene: Joey and Michael's. Gina and Joey are there]
Gina: (reading from note) "Joey, I love you, but we're not ready for this. And you're such a good guy you would've done it anyway. I'm sorry, but I thought if I saw you, I'd change my mind. Sara" Oh, no, this is so sad. It's like on Deep Powder when Bodie's girlfriend left his...
Joey: Enough about Bodie! I can't believe she left without saying good-bye. I blew it, Gina!
Gina: Oh... you didn't blow it. You can't help it if you're not ready.
Joey: Stupid Newsweek. Time Magazine, you just got a new subscriber!
Joey: Well, I'll pick up one copy.
Gina: Oh, honey. I'm so sorry. Can I get you a drink?
Joey: Yeah, sure.
Gina: (looking in cabinet) Jeez, there's no alcohol. What happened here?
Joey: You had a Cinco de Mayo party for one.
Gina: Ah, si.
Gina: Hey, I thought you were at Star Wars. You didn't stay till the end? (Michael shakes his head no)
Joey: Did Bobbie show up? (Michael shakes his head yes)
Gina: Okay. She cannot do this to my son. I am going to track her down and give her a piece of my mind.
Joey: Whoa, whoa, Gina, you're going to embarrass Michael. He doesn't want you fighting his battles for him.
Michael: Check her office. I think she's in her office.
[Scene: Joey is sitting outside. Alex walks out her door]
Alex: Oh, good. I've got a big problem. I invited Peter over and now he's in my bathtub naked.
Joey: Wow, that was fast. I could learn a thing or two from Office Joey.
Alex: No, this is all my fault. I think I may have led him on a little bit.
Joey: Alex, don't blame yourself.
Alex: I told him to take off all his clothes, get into my bathtub, and wait for a long night of passionate lovemaking.
Joey: You may share some of the blame.
Alex: Yeah, I know, but I was just so excited about moving on. And I wasn't really into it tonight, but I just thought if I kept pushing forward, I would get into it.
Joey: You want me to get rid of him.
Alex: Oh, that would be great. But we have to do it fast. Right now I'm supposed to be changing into this. (holds up a pair of underwear) It cost me three hundred dollars and I don't even know which side is the front!
Joey: Okay, okay, okay. I'll take care of this.
Alex: Wait... what are you going to do?
Joey: I know how he thinks, okay? Look, any guy who offers sex to women on the rebound, lives in constant fear of the returning husband.
(enters Alex's apartment)
Joey: (yelling) Honey, I'm back, and I want to make this marriage work. (to Alex) I think I heard him go out the window. I bet we can see him run down the hill.
Alex: Okay. (She and Joey walk to the edge of the patio)
Joey: Well, he's gonna have to drop that towel if he wants to pick up any speed. There he goes!
Alex: Thanks, Joey.
Joey: No problem.
Alex: Can I come over for a little bit? My apartment smells of bath oil and shame.
Joey: Sure. (they enter Joey and Michael's apartment)
Alex: I was really looking forward to tonight. I just... I can't believe it ended so badly. I thought I could just jump right into this dating thing, but I am way too weird for this.
Joey: Hey, Alex... you'll be fine.
Alex: Yeah, that's easy for you to say. You and Sara are all happy. You're going to move in together.
Joey: Sara's gone.
Joey: She moved to Washington. We're... over.
Alex: (starting to cry) No! That's just so...
Joey: No, no, no, no! I'm in a very delicate place right now. No being sad, okay? I need you to say something to cheer me up.
Alex: Okay. Remember that video of a monkey riding a dog? (Joey starts to smile)
Joey: That worked. Thanks.
Alex: Is there anything I can do?
Joey: Well, I wanted a drink, but I don't have any booze. Oh, I just realized I've got stuff to drink in my room.
Alex: Oh, why?
Joey: (walking towards the stairs) Oh, I got it set up so if there's anything a lady might require, you know, drinks, extra toothbrush, selections from Oprah's book club...
Alex: Do you have Waiting to Exhale?
Joey: Do I have Waiting to Exhale? Get up there! (they walk upstairs)
[Scene: Bobbie's office]
Bobbie: (on phone) Yeah, you were right. Yes, that intervention was a real eye-opener. Yeah, I'm calling from the rehab right now. Mm-hmm. Yeah, I'll see you in 28 days. (she hangs up the phone) Sucka! (takes out flask and drinks)
Gina: (enters) Okay, lady. We need to talk.
Bobbie: Excuse me?
Gina: I have sat along long enough, hearing about how you've pawed and threatened my boy. It ends now.
Bobbie: You are way off-base. First of all, I'm a respectable woman, and I would never be sexually aggressive with a young man. And second, which one's mother are you?
Bobbie: Oh, he's the best one.
Gina: Look, I know you're a big shot, and you probably think I should be afraid of you, but if you ever bother him again, I cannot be responsible for what happens to you. (Bobbie mimics Gina and makes high pitched yapping noises) I'm not kidding around.
Gina: No, you listen! This is not open for debate. You got that, you crazy-eyed, lunatic-pervert-witch?! Huh? You bother him again, I'll send you back to whatever fairy tale you escaped from.
Bobbie: No one talks to me like that! (she looks Gina up and down) Would you like a job?
[Scene: Joey's bedroom. Alex is sitting on Joey’s bed as he fixes himself and Alex a drink]
Joey: Another round?
Joey: I would like to propose a toast to you, a bright spot in an otherwise terrible day.
Alex: Oh...And I would like to toast to you, for letting me take this necklace out of your lost-and-found. (they drink a shot)
Alex: This is fun.
Joey: Yeah, it really is.
Alex: I'm sad.
Joey: Yeah, me too. (sits down on bed with Alex)
Alex: I don't know what the hell I'm doing. I don't know how to be single.
Joey: I don't know how to be not single.
Alex: On Monday I have to give a coworker his pants back
Joey: I’ll take that over what happened to me--my girlfriend left me without saying goodbye. Alex: I’m getting divorced.
Joey: I’m never gonna have an adult relationship.
Alex: I haven’t had sex in three months.
Joey: (pause) I got nothing that'll top that.
Alex: God, this sucks I hate feeling this way.
Joey: Me too, me too. Next time I am with someone, I am going to take it real slow
Alex: Yeah, and I’m not gonna be with anyone for a while. (he pats her leg) Yeah.
(they look at each other and Alex kisses him)
Joey: What’d you...what’d you do that for?
Alex: I don’t know.
(they look at each other and then kiss again, fade to black)
[Scene: Outside. Howard is on his laptop]
Michael: Hey Howard, how’s the online voting coming?
Howard: Really good. The polls close in an hour and I’ve made sure there’s no way Joey’s gonna die.
Michael: Good work, Howard (looks at screen) Howard, what are you doing?!
Howard: I'm voting for Joey. Joey Tribbiani, submit. Joey Tribbiani, submit.
Michael: Howard, the question is which Deep Powder actor do you think should be killed off.
Howard: Joey Tribbiani, submit.
Michael: Howard! You're going to get Joey fired! How many times did you vote?
Howard: Seven-thousand six-hundred thirty-two times. I have to undo this! Gunnar, submit. Gunnar, submit. Gunnar, submit. Gunnar, submit. Gunnar, submit. Ow! Gunnar, submit. Gunnar, submit. Gunnar, submit!