[Scene: Bobbie’s Office]
Bobbie: Oh, well, look who’s here and hour and a half late.
Joey: I’m so sorry.
Bobbie: What’s gotten into you? You’re late all the time. Last night you missed the benefit with the lingerie models.
Joey: Well, did they raise a lot of money? Will those girls get the help they need?
Bobbie: You are very erratic lately. Are you doing some new designer drug that might have on your person?
Joey: No, no. It’s just I’ve- I’ve been working so much that I having a hard time keeping track of things.
Bobbie: Well, you need to find a personal assistant.
Joey: You think that would help?
Bobbie: Oh, sure. They run errands for you. They organize your personal life. Plus, they do tricks! Watch this. (Turns on the intercom) Jason, would you be a doll and come in here with a cup balanced on your head?
(Jason enters with a cup on his head)
Bobbie: Jason, say hi to Joey Tribbiani.
Jason: Hello. I have a Master’s Degree.
Bobbie: Thanks, dear. That’s all for now. Back in the box.
Joey: All right, I’m gonna do it. I’m gonna get an assistant. Uh, any advice?
Bobbie: Well, you need to find someone who’s a good fit for you. Personally, I’m always pro-gay. They smell good, and they’ve got those quick little fingers.
Jason: Bobbie, I wanted to remind you, we have a 4:00 departmental meeting.
Bobbie: Thank you, Jason. Now do the robot for Joey.
(Jason does the robot; Joey and Bobbie laugh)
Joey: That is just what I need!
[Scene: Joey and Michael’s Apartment – Alex, Gina, Joey] Joey: Hey.
Alex: Hi. What you got there?
Joey: Oh, uh, résumés. Yeah, I need a personal assistant now that I’m a busy celebrity. A guy recognized me on the street yesterday.
Gina: A homeless man asked if you were Jesus.
Joey: He knew who I was.
Michael: (Depressed) Hey.
Gina: Hey. What’s wrong?
Michael: I just got in a big fight with my so-called friend, Seth.
Joey: Wait a minute, Nerds fight each other? Don’t you get enough grief from normal people?
Michael: No, we- we invented a new material for the heat shields in rockets. Now Seth is filing a patent and he wants to try to take all the credit himself.
Alex: Why would he do that?
Michael: It’s a scientific break through. There’s a lot at stake here; money, fame, a very specific kind of woman.
Alex: You know, I can help you sort that out. I mean, I am a lawyer.
Gina: Ooh, sue him. I haven’t been in a lawsuit since that dog-biting thing.
Joey: Whoa, whoa, whoa. A dog bit you?
Michael: No, no. She bit the dog.
Gina: Hey, I choose who humps me, not the other way around.
Alex: Um, actually, I’m not talking about a lawsuit here. I’m just talking about a mediation. Um, I’ll set up a meeting with Seth and all you have to do it show up.
Michael: I don’t know if that’s going to solve anything, but it’s worth a shot. Okay, thanks.
Joey: Alright, who wants to go through this pile of résumés with me and help me find an assistant.
Gina: (Pulling the résumé out of Joey’s hand) What are you wasting your time with these idiots for? Hire me!
Joey: (Hesitantly) Okay, if you really wanna do it.
Gina: I don’t like the way you just said that. I quit.
Joey: Well, I knew I couldn’t keep you here forever. Good luck, Gina.
(They shake hands)
[Scene: Joey and Michael’s Apartment – Joey is interviewing a potential assistant]
Joey: Wow, Travis, your résumé’s impressive. Let me throw a scenario at you: I send you to the video store. Which Die Hard movie do you bring back?
Travis: Uh, the first one?
Joey: I’m sorry, the correct answer was all three. Thanks for stopping by.
(Travis leaves; Howard enters)
Howard: Let me be your assistant!
Joey: Don’t you already have a job?
Howard: I’m Senior Vice President of the third largest bank in California, but it’s a dead-end job.
(Someone knocks on the door; Joey answers)
Glen: Hi, I’m here for the assistant’s position. I’m Glen.
Joey: (Shakes Glen’s hand) Joey.
Howard: (Sarcastically) Glen. Nice name!
Glen: Oh, what- what’s yours?
Howard: Howard J. Peckerman!
Joey: (Takes Glen’s résumé) Come on in, Glen. All right, why don’t you tell me a little about yourself?
Glen: Uh, well, I moved out here five years ago, started doing this, and loved it.
Joey: Oh, where are you from?
Joey: Wow, you’re English is great. Uh, what kind of car do you drive?
Glen: Oh, I have a pick-up truck.
Joey: If I hire you, may I ride around in the back like a dog?
Glen: Sure, you’re the boss.
Joey: Excellent. Okay, next question: It’s two in the morning, I’m hungry, what do you get me and why?
Glen: Hmm, I’m gonna have to go with pizza, because you can eat it directly off your stomach without utensils while still lying in bed.
Joey: (Pause) I gotta be honest with you, Glen. You’re blowing me away here.
Joey: Okay, let’s get down to the serious stuff. Who would win between Dracula and the Wolf Man?
Glen: Definitely the Wolf Man.
Joey: What? No way. How?
Glen: Because he’d fight Dracula to a draw until dawn, and then Dracula would turn to dust and the Wolf Man would just turn into a normal dude.
Joey: I never thought of it like that. That changes everything.
Gina: Joey, where were you? You were supposed to help me clean out my garage a half hour ago.
Joey: Oh, look Gina, I’m sorry. I uh-
Glen: Hi, I’m Glen, and this is all my fault. I was late for my interview and Joey was just telling me that he was supposed to be helping you. I’m really, really sorry.
Joey: Yeah, thanks a lot Glen. You made me miss cleaning out her garage!
Gina: Why didn’t you just call?
Joey: Uhhh, I-
Glen: He couldn’t call, ‘cause he was stuck on the phone with me. He had to give me directions. I got lost. I’m such an idiot.
Joey: Mm hmm, yeah. Stupid, stupid Glen. (Knocks on Glen's head)
Gina: This neighborhood can be confusing. I’m sorry I snapped at you, Joey. I’m gonna go make dinner.
(Gina walks into the kitchen)
Joey: You want the job?
Glen: When do I start?
Joey: I think you already did.
[Scene: The Courtyard]
Glen: Hey-hey, boss.
Glen: That was a late shoot last night, but you were great.
Joey: Thanks, yeah, It was nice having you there, and thanks for running lines with me, and getting me water, and dealing with that crazy fan.
Glen: Did she find your dressing room okay?
Joey: Yes, she did.
Glen: Okay, so listen. I have these contracts for you to sign, and here is your schedule for today. Oh, and uh, some girl Amelia called.
Glen: Do you want me to break up with her but still leave an opening so you guys can sleep together?
Joey: You just got yourself employee of the month.
Gina: I’m just dropping off Michael’s pants. He asked me to hem them for him.
Glen: Wow, that’s a- that’s a good looking hem.
Gina: Thanks for noticing. I swear, if I didn’t take care of this stuff, he’d walk outside naked.
Glen: (Referring to Joey) This one got marker all over the wall yesterday.
(Joey rolls his eyes; Gina goes into the apartment)
Glen: Man, your sister is beautiful. Is she single?
Joey: Ooh, my trusty valet is interested in the lady of the manor.
Glen: Do you think I have a chance?
Joey: Uh, yeah.
(Gina enters The Courtyard)
Glen: Hey, Gina. Listen, um, I think you’re a really interesting woman and I-
Joey: Whoa! Whoa, whoa. You’re working way too hard there, Glen. (To Gina) You wanna go out with this guy?
Gina: I don’t know. I don’t know much about him. Let me ask you a few questions. What kind of car do you drive?
Glen: A pick-up truck.
Gina: Oh, can we drive around and have Joey in the back like a dog?
Glen: I’ve already agreed to that.
Gina: Okay, will you take me to a nice restaurant?
Glen: What constitutes a nice restaurant?
Gina: Ketchup in a bottle. All the crackers I want.
Glen: Do you need a salad bar?
Gina: I am not the Queen of England.
Glen: I know a place.
Gina: All right, pick me up at seven.
Glen: All right.
Joey: Soo, you and Gina, huh?
Joey: Let me tell you something. That is my sister. Okay, if you do anything to upset her, you’re gonna get the beating of a life time. (Pause) And then she’s gonna come after me.
[Scene: Court mediation room – Seth Enters]
Alex: Oh, hello again, Mr. Tobin. Thanks very much for coming.
Seth: Can we make this quick? Every minute I am not conducting research is a crushing blow to science. (To Michael) I really don’t understand why you had to bring a lawyer into this.
Alex: Actually, I’m here as an impartial mediator, not as either party’s attorney.
(They all sit down)
Seth: But you are an attorney, so I was correct; Michael did bring a lawyer into this Q.E.D. Which law school by the way?
Seth: In that case, I should explain: “Q.E.D.” is a term-
Alex: All right! Let’s just start the mediation. First of all, I would like you each to state your claim to the material in question.
Seth: Why don’t I go first, and then Michael can just steal what I say?
Michael: That’s tough talk coming from the guy that thought impregnating a ceramic with aerosolized metal would increase porousness without losing strength.
Seth: Let’s not get personal here.
Alex: You know what, he’s right. The point of mediation is to resolve the dispute in a calm and peaceful way.
Seth: (Stands up) Which we’d have a chance of doing if we had a real lawyer.
Alex: (Stands up) I am a real lawyer, Mr. Tobin.
Seth: Oh, is Ally McBeal getting a little flustered?
Alex: You know what? Forget the mediation.
Alex: I suggest you get a lawyer because’ you’re gonna need one.
Alex: Gosh, that guy has got to be a virgin.
[Scene: Joey and Michael’s Apartment – Glen enters]
Joey: Hey. Glen, where’ve you been?
Glen: I know, I’m sorry. Gina kept me out late again last night, but listen, I’m here now, and I’m all yours.
Joey: Okay, yeah. You got my schedule and my phone list?
Glen: Ah, no. No, no, no. I left them over at Gina’s.
Joey: Glen, her to zero.
Glen: Hey, you left these papers. I thought you might need them.
Joey: Oh good, my schedule. (Takes the schedule from Gina and looks it over) Oh, no. No, Glen. This doesn’t make any sense. You got me bathing every day? What are you trying to do, dissolve me?
Glen: You know what, I’ll- I’ll revise it.
Gina: Hey, will you get me a glass of water?
Glen: That’s all the way in the kitchen. Won’t you miss me?
Gina: I sure will, but I’ll be liking the view.
(Glen heads to the kitchen; Joey clears his throat)
Glen: Oh, Joey, do you want something to drink?
Joey: Yes, a banana milkshake please.
(Glen leaves to get the drinks)
Joey: I gotta say, I am not loving your affect on Glen.
Gina: I can’t help it. I’m intoxicating. Many men have been unable to do their jobs after dating me.
Joey: Oh, how sad for the people who wanted to buy drugs from them.
(Gina glares at him)
Joey: I can’t believe this. He was the perfect assistant; a few days with you and he’s broken. This isn’t gonna work.
Gina: What, just ‘cause he’s a little distracted I can’t go out with him?
Joey: Yeah. He really helps me. Okay? He does my errands; he helps me memorize the script. Do you know how much easier it is to act when you know your lines? Look, I need Glen to be totally focused on my needs.
(Glen enters with the drinks)
Glen: (Handing Joey his Banana Milkshake) Hey, I had to make it with skim milk. I hope you don’t mind.
[Scene: Joey and Michael’s Apartment – Alex Enters]
Alex: Hey, Michael. Listen, we need to have some kind of proof that you and Seth came up with this idea together. So I need you to remember everything about that day; no detail is too small.
Michael: All right, we were sitting at the kitchen table talking about thermal setting polymers. Seth insisted on keeping all the notes on his precious laptop. It’s hard to remember the details ‘cause Joey kept throwing stuff at us and calling us nerds.
Joey: Yeah, I threw some pretty hard stuff at you guys.
Alex: Wait, Joey was here? We have an eyewitness.
Michael: You’re right. Joey, do you remember anything Seth and I said?
Joey: Oh, I remember everything. Actors are trained to observe.
Alex: That’s great. Okay, take us through everything you saw.
Joey: Okay, um, I was sitting right here watching a rerun of the A-Team. Uh, you guys were over there talking, and then Michael said, “Blah, blah, blah, science stuff.” And Mr. T said, “ I ain’t gettin’ on no plane.” And then Michael said, “Blah, blah, blah” and then Seth said, “I pity the fool!”- Oh wait, that might’ve been Mr. T.
Michael: All right, so the fact that you were here is useless.
Alex: No, not exactly. Uh, Seth will remember that Joey was here, right?
Joey: Oh, I think so. I beamed him like right here with a battery. (Points to his head)
Alex: But Seth doesn’t know that you don’t remember anything, so we’ll bluff and say that you do. All you have to do is stand there and look thoughtful.
Joey: Okay, I just need to think of something to give me that serious face.
Michael: What’s seven times nine?
(Joey tries to calculate in his head, he looks serious and confused)
[Scene: Joey and Michael’s Apartment – Howard and Joey]
(The phone rings; Howard answers it)
Howard: Joey Tribbiani’s phone, and what may I say this is regarding?
(Howard hands Joey the phone, Joey looks for him to tell him who it is)
Howard: I can’t remember!
Joey: Hello. No. I don’t know what time I’m supposed to be there. Well, I don’t have my regular assistant and the temp I got isn’t working out.
Joey: Let me call my assistant, and I’ll call you back. Okay. (Hangs up and calls Glen) I can’t believe it. Glen turned his cell phone off.
Howard: I’ll kill him for you.
Joey: He’s over at Gina’s. I bet she had him turn it off. This is ridiculous. I’m going over there.
Howard: I bet they’ll be surprised to see us.
Joey: I’m dropping you off at the bank.
Howard: I hate it there!
[Scene: Gina’s Apartment]
Joey: (Entering) Glen, publicity called to set up an interview. I need my schedule.
Glen: Oh, I’ll go get it.
Gina: No, you are on a date.
Joey: Well, I need it.
Gina: He’s not your slave.
Joey: Glen, tell her she’s wrong.
Glen: Joey, why didn’t you call me about this earlier?
Joey: Well, I tried to, but your cell phone’s off.
Glen: What? (Picks up his phone) I don’t see how that could’ve- (Looks at Gina, she looks guilty) Gina, you can’t take an assistant’s cell phone. That’s like taking a scalpel away from a surgeon.
Gina: Except surgeons don’t have to help my brother build forts!
Glen: Okay, you know what? Um, I think I’m in the middle of some weird family stuff, so I’m just gonna go get the schedule.
Gina: Thanks a lot, Joey. Now I’m gonna have to watch Sister Act by myself!
Joey: You are unbelievable. I told you how much Glen means to me!
Gina: Well, I like him too.
Joey: You don’t like him. You just want to be with him because I told you not to. You’ll be tired of him in a week.
Gina: Maybe I won’t be tired of him!
Joey: What does that mean?
Gina: It means that I like, maybe kinda really like him.
Gina: Glen is different. When we went to the video store, he held the door open for me.
Joey: For you?
Gina: I know! And between you and me, I don’t think he was that in to Sister Act, but he let me choose. And he didn’t even glance at the porn section, which I happen to find very respectful. He’s a good guy. I’m not used to that. It feels kinda nice.
Joey: OK, you know what? You can have him.
Gina: Oh, but you need him to.
Joey: No. It’s about time you had a healthy relationship.
Gina: Oh, like you’re one to talk.
Joey: I am.
Gina: Oh yeah? How’s your wife, by the way?
Joey: Sadly my wife has not been born yet.
[Scene: Court Mediation Room – Alex, Michael, Seth, and Seth’s Lawyer]
Alex: All we’re asking Seth to do is sign this affidavit, saying that they both worked on the project.
Seth’s Lawyer (Dwight): And why would we sign this?
Alex: Because someone was present when Michael and Seth together invented the material in question. A secret eyewitness: Joey Tribbiani. (waits for Joey to enter, but he doesn’t) Joey Tribbiani! Ugh.
Joey: (Sticks his head inside the door) I’m sorry, what did we say my cue was?
Alex: Just come out now!
(Joey re-enters, walking like he’s an important person)
Alex: So, I suggest you sign the affidavit right now.
Dwight: Before we sign, we’d like to hear what your witness has to say.
Alex: And why is that necessary?
Dwight: Because he might be bluffing.
(Michael, Alex, and Joey laugh uncomfortably)
Alex: Blufing.... I don’t think so.
Alex: Okay. Joey, why don’t you prove to these people beyond a shadow of a doubt that we are not bluffing? Michael, let’s hold hands.
Joey: Ah, yes. I remember the day very well. Especially the science… stuff. A lot of numbers were used. 6, 12, 14. All of the usual suspects.
Seth: You know what, he doesn’t remember anything. He probably went to Pepperdine.
Joey: Whoa, whoa, hold on there, buddy. I may not be the smartest guy you’ll ever meet, but I didn’t go to Pepperdine.
Dwight: I think we’ve heard enough.
Michael: This is just great!
(They all start to leave)
Joey: Hey, hey, wait a second you guys. I just thought of something.
Michael: What, what is it? The theme song to the A-Team?
Joey: No. Watch this. (Walks over to Seth and his lawyer) Well, I’ll tell you what I do remember. Michael and Seth were stuck on something, so they got up to take a walk. I looked over at Seth’s computer, hoping to find a video game. Instead, I started opening files and found something much more naughty.
Seth: You touched my computer? What did you find?
Joey: Something erotic. Some might say, deviant. Should I just tell everyone, or should I write it down so we can enter it in the permanent record.
Seth: Okay, fine. You win!
Dwight: Really? Don’t you want to hear what he has to say?
Seth: No, I remember now. Michael and I invented it together. It’s fine.
(Joey talks to Alex and Michael)
Michael: What did you find on his computer?
Joey: Nothing. I was- I was bluffing, but I really wanna see it now.
Alex: You were bluffing? That was brilliant! How did you know that would work?
Joey: Please, every guy has a disgusting folder on his computer.
Michael: There’s nothing disgusting on my computer.
Joey: Oh really? Why don’t you check a file called “Joey’s Tax Stuff”?
[Scene: Joey and Michael’s Apartment – Gina, Joey, and Glen]
Joey: Uh, look, it’s been a little awkward having to share you with Gina, but I think I’ve worked something out that’s in everyone’s best interest. I’m letting you go.
Glen: That’s in my best interest? I’m out of a job.
Joey: Hey, I just lost my assistant. Let’s not play the “Who’s got it worse?” game.
Glen: Wait, this- this is crazy. I can do both. We can work out some guidelines if you two could just be reasonable.
Gina: (Laughing) No.
Joey: (Laughing) That’s never gonna happen.
Glen: Come on, I’m serious. I mean, as long as we’re clear about what everyone expects, this doesn’t have to be a problem.
Gina: I guess we could talk about a way to share him.
Joey: Well, obviously I’d get him during the week.
Gina: That’s fine if I can get him nights and weekends.
Joey: Well, what about the holidays?
Gina: Um, you get him Thanksgiving, I get him Christmas.
Glen: Actually, I have a family-
Joey: Glen, please. Oh, and another thing, when you guys are over here: no kissing.
Gina: And when we’re out, no prank calling him.
Joey: I don’t know what you’re talking about, but I will pass it along to Senor Fartez. Well, seems like we’ve got some guidelines.
Gina: Yeah, we can make this work.
Joey: Well we should celebrate. Hey Glen, why don’t you run down to the sore and get us some champagne?
Glen: Actually, it’s uh, it’s past 5 o’clock, so it’s uh, it’s Gina time.
Gina: Glen, why don’t you run down to the store and get us some champagne?
[Scene: Bobbie’s Office – Joey, Bobbie, Jason & Glen – Jason is doing the Robot]
Bobbie: Now make yours do it.
Joey: Bobbie, first of all, his name is Glen. Second, I don’t make my assistant do tricks. That’s not the kind of boss I am. I don’t just think of him as an employee; I think of him as a friend.
Glen: Thanks, Joey.
Joey: Even though the Robot is a fun dance, and I do enjoy watching it, especially when done skillfully…(Looks at Glen)
(Glen does the Robot)
Bobbie: Come on, Jason, get in there!
(Jason does the Robot too)
Bobbie: Now, fight!
(Jason and Glen, still doing the Robot, start fighting)