[Scene : An airport. A plane is landing. Then we see Joey getting on a taxi.]
Taxi Driver: Where am I taking you?
Joey: Oh yeah, I gotta get some place. It's my sister's place. She was supposed to take me up but she's... (He searches his bag while talking, then stops.) kind of nut all there, you know. (Joey looks trough the window. Time lapses.)
Taxi Driver: The address?
Joey: Right, right, right.
Taxi Driver: So you're here visiting family?
Joey: Well, no, I'm an actor. I've been in New York but I got an offer to work in L.A. and I think it's time for me to take my shot. Kind of scary, I mean... I left my whole life behind but I think it's a smart move, you know, if you wanna make it as an actor, you gotta move to L.A., to Hollywood !
Taxi Driver: So what are you doing here in Dallas?
Joey: (thinks for a while, the realizes) I did have a lay over in Dallas! (They both mimics to go back to the airport.)
[Scene: An airport. A plane his landing. Joey is coming out of the plane. He is worried, he looks right an left till he sees a sign “Welcome to Los Angeles”.]
Joey: Oh thank God !
Gina: Oh my God, Joey !
Joey: Hey Gina !
Gina: My brother, the star. (Talking to a guy) Days Of Our Lives !
Joey: Not any more !
Gina: Formerly !
Joey: Good to see you.
Gina: I know, I missed you so much.
Joey: Wait a second, wait a second ! You look different !
Gina: I forgot ! You haven't seen 'em. (Opening her vest. Joey looks “Whoa”.) What do you think ? They're new ! I went up 3 cup sizes. The doctor was reluctant ! Come on, touch 'em.
Joey: (embarrassed) Let's get my bag. I'll feel you up in the car, I promise.
Gina: Tell me about the big new job.
Joey: It all started when I got this new agent. This lady is a shark. And that means she's a good agent, not an actual shark.
Gina: I know that.
Joey: (Being Joey) Yeah, I did too. Anyway, she got me offers from 2 new shows.
Gina: (very excited) Wow ! What are they ?
Joey: Well, the first one is about a bunch of male nurses and I wasn't really crazy about that one. I mean I've already been a brain surgeon. I don't think my fans would buy me as a nurse.
Gina: They bought you as a brain surgeon, they're pretty understanding (She touches his shoulder).
Joey: Doesn't matter, okay ? Because the other show... it's about a cop and I'm the star. Also, it's for cable so there's a combination of nudity and swearing that I find intriguing.
Gina: I am so proud of you ! (They hug). So, how many bags we're looking for ?
Joey: Just one, the rest of my stuff is on a moving truck and I gave them your number, the company's called "Movers and Shakers". They cost a little more but... (starting to laugh) that name cracks me up. (Pointing a bag) Oh wait, that was my bag.
Gina: It's okay, hold on. (She bends and readjusts her vest to exploit her new boobs). Sir, could you grab that bag ? (The man smiles and goes for it.) Thank you !
Joey: They do get things done.
[Scene: Joey’s new place. He enters with Gina into a central yard, where people are sun bathing. There’s also a pool.]
Joey: Wow ! I think I like L.A. !
Gina: I thought you and Chandler should have moved out a long time ago. It’s a very vibrant gay scene.
Joey: Chandler and I are not a gay couple ! (To the guy next to him who his looking at him) Hi !
Gina: Hey ! This is it ! You're new home ! (They enter)
Joey: Oh my God !
Gina: Yeah ?
Joey: Yeah ! Gina, thank you for finding this. I love it !
Gina: Good because if you didn't I was gonna lie and tell you Tom Cruise used to live here.
Joey: (totally buying it) Tom Cruise lived here ?
Gina: (ironic) Sure he did, honey ! Let me show you the best part ! (She goes out, on a terrace) Check this out ! (She climbs on a small balcony). Sit up here and lean back. (Joey does so.) Look over there.
Joey: Is that the middle of the Hollywood sign ?
Gina: That is the “ollywoo” sign.
Joey: (screaming) I can see the ollywoo sign ! (He looks down) And into that woman's bathroom ! And now she sees me looking ! Hi neighbor !
(Joey gets up, turns toward his new house and stops. He looks a little bit sad.)
Gina: What's the matter ?
Joey: I just... I can't believe I'm here, you know. It doesn't... It doesn't feel real. (Gina smiles and hugs him). (Joey, talking about her boobs). And neither do those.
(Gina’s cell phone rings. She answers.)
Gina: Gina Tribbiani, hairdresser to the stars.
Joey: Stars ?
Gina: (to Joey) It sounds better than hairdresser to mostly Dominicans firms. (On the phone) Yeah, honey. Come on up. (She hangs up. To Joey) It's my Michael. He's parking.
Joey: Say, what is Michael now ? 20 ?
Gina: Yeah, don't I look incredible for the mother of an adult son ? It's the good thing about having a kid so young.
Joey: You rarely hear the argument for a teen pregnancy.
Gina: Michael is so excited to see you again. Oh and by the way, told him I had him when I was 22. I don't want him to think his mother is a tramp.
(When he hears this, Joey closes Gina’s vest. Michael enters.)
Michael: Uncle Joey !
Joey: Hey ! Wow ! Man ! (They hug) I still think of you as a little kid ! So much for these wings I picked up on the airplane.
Michael: Oh no ! I'll still take them.
Joey: (whispers) I was just gonna show them to you...(He’s disappointed…)
Gina: Tell your uncle Joey what you've been up to lately !
Michael: Well, now that college's done. I'm just doing some grad work over Caltech center for simulation of dynamic response materials.
(Joey makes his face, you know, he doesn’t understand but still thinks it’s great.)
Gina: Can you believe he came out of me ?
Michael: Actually, right now, we're designing a mock-up for an escape module for the international space station.
Joey: (mocking at Michael) What are you ? A rocket scientist ?
Joey: Oh. So how do you like living at school ?
Michael: Oh no, I still live with mom.
Joey: (making fun of him again) Oh man ! (Then changing) That is nice !
Gina: Shut up ! We have fun. Tell him we have fun !
Michael: We do have fun. We have a lot in common than most moms and sons 'cause she had me when she was just 22, so ?
Joey: Yeah, 22, yeah. That's why we had to change churches. (Gina gives him a bad look. She goes to the kitchen.)
Gina: Michael, where's the lasagna ?
Michael: I left it in the car.
Gina: I'll get it. I'll get it. Look at that ! So much going on up here he can't remember lasagna.
Joey: We are different you and me ! So, come on ! What else is going on ?
Michael: Well, actually, I'm thinking about moving out.
Joey: Oh yeah, where ?
Michael: Here with you. (Joey is surprised.)
Joey: What ?
Michael: I'm 20 years old, man. I shouldn't be living with my mom. Everyone at school makes fun of me. And it's not like these are the cool kids, they're not quarterbacks... engineers !
Joey: But why do you wanna live with me ?
Michael: Well, huh, this may not be a big selling point but I have no money for rent. (Joey understands quite well the point.) And I mean, and also you're my cool uncle Joey, you know. Living with you, that would just... you know.
Joey: (seriously) Yeah... Break your mother's heart.
Michael: I know... I know. But it's... I mean... It's gonna happen some time. I just have to get out of there. Have you seen her breast ?
Joey: She made me touch 'em !
[Scene: Joey’s place. He is on the terrace, sitting on the balcony and leaning back… A woman gets out the house next door.]
Woman: Hi !
(Joey is surprised and falls back. He gets up again quickly.)
Joey: Actually not that big of a drop !
Woman: I'm sorry. I'm Allison. I live next door (They shake hands.)
Joey: Really ? I'm Joey. I've just moved in. Say, I was about to eat. You want some ? I've got homemade lasagna.
Allison: It's 7:30 in the morning.
Joey: I'm still on New York time.
Allison: So you eat lasagna at 10:30 ?
Joey: No, I eat lasagna at 7:30 but it seemed like a big deal to you so...
Allison: So, you're from New York ?
Joey: Yeah, yeah. You see... I'm an actor.
Allison: (making fun at him) Oh that's so cute. You think it's a big deal to be an actor; Everyone here is an actor.
Joey: What ?
Allison: (Pointing the apartment next to Joey’s) That guy in that apartment... actor ! (Pointing another) Actor ! (and so on) Actor ! (Pointing the apartment just over her place) Porn actor !
Joey: Really ?
Allison: Yeah. He lives above me. He's not the best.
Joey: I'm actually a very serious actor, you know. (He starts acting) “Romeo ! Oh Romeo ! Wherefore art thou Romeo ?” (He stops.) That was Romeo.
Allison: Actually that was Juliet.
Joey: What ?
Allison: Romeo wouldn't have started a speech with "Romeo ! Romeo !"
Joey: (got vexed) I've done that for like a million auditions ! (He goes back into his apartment.)
[Scene: On the set of Joey’s new show.]
Assistant: Blue walls. Scene C. Take 2.
Director: And... action !
(Joey’s playing a cop. He’s wearing a white T-shirt and a gun across the shoulders. He catches a man, knocks him over and hits him. Fake blood splashes Joey’s face and his shirt.)
Director: And... cut !
(Joey goes to Gina and Michael who are there. His shirt his red with fake blood. He’s quite proud of himself.)
Gina: I can't believe I'm on a set ! I think like I could be networking. Let me go talk to the director.
Joey: (wipes the fake blood off his face) (To Michael) Must be pretty cool seeing your uncle starting his own show, huh ?
Michael: Not as cool as it would be seeing my roommate starting his own show.
Joey: Michael, about us living... Come on ! I don't think it's a good idea.
Michael: Why not ?
Joey: I don't wanna get between you and your mom, alright ? I can't have her mad at me. When we were kids, she used to torture me. She hit me all the time. She used to hold me down and force me to say "I am gay for David Cassidy".
Michael: Who's that ?
Joey: David Cassidy from The Partridge Family. Really good looking... (stops…) The point is... I don't want her mad at me, okay ? I'm sorry.
Michael: It's okay? I understand.
Joey: All right. Good.
Gina: (comes back) You are not gonna believe this ! The director thought I was an actress !
Joey: Sure, that's because you got big fake boobs and you're crazy !
[Scene: Joey’s apartment. Gina and Joey are sun bathing next to the pool.]
Joey: I love it out here ! Sunny and 72° everyday ! Wonder what it's like in New York.
Gina: (She’s reading the paper.) 71.
Joey: Poor bastards !
(Allison enters the yard.)
Allison: Joey ! Hey !
Joey: Hey Allison ! Allison, this is my sister Gina. Allison lives here next door. (They shake hands).
Allison: Hi !
Gina: Hey ! You have very beautiful hair.
Allison: Thank you very much.
Gina: If you ever wanna sell it, give me a call (She gives her a visiting card.)
Allison: (weird) Thanks.
Joey: (To her sister) I liked that girl, okay ? Don't be trying to buy her hair ! She could be the future Mrs. Joey Tribbiani. Or at the very least the future... awkward situation. (His cell phone rings) It's my agent, the shark. (On the phone) Hello ! Hi Bobby ! Right ! And ? (listen) What ? Why ? (listen) Yeah. Okay. Bye. (He hangs up. To Gina) My show was dead. It's not even gonna air.
Gina: Oh my god ! Did they say why ?
Joey: People thought it was disgusting ! Geez ! You defecate on one corpse !
Gina: Oh honey. I am so sorry.
Joey: I can't believe this. How can I go from having two shows to... having nothing !
Gina: You think you should have done the other show ? The nurses thing ?
Joey: Oh no way ! I mean my thing didn't go but believe me no one is gonna watch a show about nurses.
[Scene: A TV screen. A journalist is talking about the famous “Nurses Show”.]
Journalist: I'm here with Sam Baxter, one of the nurses on the new hit show RN. And, Sam, I'm told that you weren't the first choice for this role.
Sam: Well, that's right actually. The producers originally the role to someone else. An actor by the name of Joey Tribani.
Journalist: Well, wherever he is, I bet you Joey Tribani... is kicking himself.
[The camera turns to Joey, Gina and Michael, eating and watching TV.]
Joey: Tribbiani ! Joey Tribbiani is kicking himself (He gets up, and gives himself a kick on the butt.)
[Scene: Joey’s place. Joey comes in. Michael is there.]
Joey: Hey ! What are you doing here ?
Michael: I don't know, mom told me you'd be clearing out your dressing room today. So I figured I'd come by and cheer you up.
Joey: What are you cooking ?
Michael: Spaghetti and meatballs. It's grandma's recipe. It always makes me feel better. Mom made it for me this one time... this one time I got a B.
Joey: I got a B once... cheated my ass off.
Michael: So was today hard ?
Joey: Yeah, I can't believe it. A week ago, I was a star of a show and now I'm the guy who turned down "nurses". Which is strange because in real life, I would never turn down a nurse.
Michael: So what do you do now ? (While talking, he prepares a plate of Spaghetti for Joey.)
Joey: I'm meeting with my agent later to try to figure out some kind of game plan.
Michael: Hey ! They're making a new Indiana Jones movie. Maybe you can... turn that down.
Joey: Feeling more comfortable around your uncle Joey ? (About the Spaghetti) This is really nice. Thanks for doing this.
Michael: You know, if you let me be you're roommate, you could have this like everyday.
Joey: Michael, look. You're a great kid and I would love to have you as my roommate but your mother will flip out. I mean... (He tastes the Spaghetti) You're in ! (Michael is very happy. He tries to pick up a meatball from Joey’s plate. Joey screams…) No ! No ! No ! No !
[Scene: The office of Joey’s agent. He enters.]
The agent: Oh hey Joey ! Have a sit, doll !
Joey: Thanks for seeing me. Listen... I know we blew it by turning down that nurses thing but I gotta believe there is something bigger or me right around the corner.
The agent: Listen... You are living in a dream world.
Joey: Excuse me ?
The agent: That nurses show is huge ! Everyone involved in it is gonna become insanely rich and is gonna haunt you for the rest of your life. But my job is to keep up your moral.
Joey: I do feel better.
The agent: Look... I'm a straight shooter but I'll tell you something else about me: I am the best ! There is nothing that I wouldn't do for you. I would... throw on a meat skirt and wrestle a lion ! I would pull off my own ears and eat them !
Joey: That's... gross !
The agent: I'm gonna get you through this. Next year, I am gonna find you a show that'll blow this nurses thing right out of the... What the hell am I saying ? Nothing's gonna top that !
Joey: Hold on. Next year ? No, no, no ! I need to get something now !
The agent: Well, I've got nothing ! Zilch ! Zero ! Nada !
Joey: There's gotta be something !
The agent: Well, they do need a host for this new entertainment show. It's not really acting but it may work since you have such a tremendous head !
Joey: (touching his head) I do ?
The agent: Oh come on ! We don't have time for this ! (She writes the address on a paper then gives it to Joey.)
Joey: Thanks Bobby ! Thank you !
The agent: (laughing) Looks like you got a big barrel on your shoulders !
[Scene: Joey’s place. Gina enters.]
Joey: Gina! Where have you been ? My audition is in half an hour !
Gina: Sorry, I'll give you a little trim. It'll take two minutes (She gives him a towel that he puts around his neck.)
Joey: Any sign of my stuff ? Have the movers called ?
Joey: Stupid Movers and Shakers ! (He starts laughing) I can't be mad at those guys ! Hey do me a favor. See if you can make my head look a little bit smaller.
Gina: (She starts but stops.) I can't do this. I'm too upset.
Joey: What's the matter ?
Gina: Michael said he was moving out.
Joey: (doing as if he doesn’t know) Did he say who he was moving in with ?
Gina: No, why ?
Joey: Uh... no reason... But you know if you think about it, Gina, this could be a good thing. You could have more time for your hairdressing.
Gina: Oh please ! No much of a hairdresser anyway ! I only started cutting hair because Channel 5 exposed me as this Southland most dangerous dental technician.
Joey: That was some damning footage.
Gina: I just don't know what I'm gonna do without him. He's my baby !
Joey: Hey come on !
Gina: No, really. I don't have much to be proud of. But him, I did right. (Her cell phone rings) I gotta take this. (On the phone) What ? Yeah. I've got a lead on some blond hair. And some good straight stuff. (She leaves the room.)
Michael: Okay, we got a big problem. I just told mom I was moving out. She went crazy. I don't know what she's gonna do when she hears I'm moving with you.
(Gina had just hang up and come back to the room.)
Joey: Well, let's find out.
Michael: Why didn't you tell me she was here?
Joey: You couldn't tell I was getting a haircut ? You think I just walk around my apartment in a cape (pointing the towel)?
Gina: (To Joey) He's gonna live here ? Are you kidding me ?
Michael: Mom, look. This was my idea.
Joey: That's true.
Gina: Sure, I bet you landed and right away he begged you: "Please get me away from my mother !"
(Joey and Michael don’t know what to say exactly.)
Gina: I cannot believe you would do this to me.
Joey: Gina... (She takes her purse.)
Joey: Gina, wait a... (She goes toward the door.)
Michael: Mom !
Joey: Gina... (She’s gone.)
Michael: Oh my god !
Joey: I know. I know... (looking at the towel around his neck.) I could eat a really big lobster in this.
[Scene: A set.]
Assistant: Okay, Joey. The audition is very simple. Three cameras. Each one has a teleprompter beneath the lens and a red light on top. Whichever red light is lit, that's the camera you address. The producer is watching from that monitor.
Joey: Geez ! Is that a man or a woman ?
Assistant: And your mike.
Joey: Okay. Let's do this.
Assistant: We have a roll. Joey Tribbiani audition in 5.. 4... 3...
Joey: Welcome to Hollywood minute. I'm name. (He realizes he should have say his actual name.) Can I start again ?
Assistant: Whenever you're ready.
Joey: Okay. Welcome to Hollywood minute. I'm Joey Tribbiani and here are today's top stories. (He doesn’t address the right camera.) Well, even though she's on vacation,...
Assistant: Cut ! Joey. You didn't switch cameras.
Joey: Oh ! Did the light change ?
Assistant: Yeah. Even though you're reading, you need to be aware of when the light changes.
Joey: That's really the best way to do this ?
Assistant: Okay, let's try it again in 5... 4... 3
Joey: Welcome to Hollywood minute. I'm Joey Tribbiani and here are today's top stories.
(He switches camera, but not to the right one.) Well, even though she's on vacation, Jennifer Lopez is in the news today. (He turns to the right camera when he realizes.) More on that story later. But first, let's check out the box office returns for this weekend. (Again the wrong camera) Topping the list for the third week in a row... Man ! That is one fast red light ! (He searches the right camera.) Topping the list... (again) Topping the list... (and again) I know it's not that one. Where the hell is it ?
Assistant: Okay, Joey. Thanks for coming.
Joey: No, no, no. I'm getting the hang of it. Please, Mr. or Mrs. producer. I need this job. I can do this.
Assistant: You're looking at the wrong camera.
Joey: Damn it ! (He starts again with Romeo.) Romeo ! Oh Romeo !
[Scene: Joey’s place. Joey enters the yard. Allison comes.]
Allison: Hey !
Joey: Hey !
Allison: What's wrong ?
Joey: I... I just blew an audition to host this stupid entertainment show.
Allison: Is that even acting ?
Joey: No ! It's just following a really fast red light.
Allison: Look, don't get discouraged. I have a friend that got rejected from like a million different things. And he just got a part in that new nurses show. Well, I hope you get the next thing. You seem like a nice guy.
Joey: Thanks. (She starts leaving.) Say, Allison. Would you wanna maybe go and grab a bite to eat ?
Allison: Sounds nice. Can't. I've gotta go to the airport and pick up my husband.
Joey: Oh... You're married ?
Allison: You didn't see the ring ?
Joey: Yeah, I saw a ring but it's not on your left hand.
Allison: (showing her left hand) Yeah, it is.
Joey: If you say so. (She leaves.)
(Joey enters. Michael is there.)
Joey: Hey ! Did you know that girl next door is married ?
Michael: I can't talk to that girl, she... she makes my stutter come back. Can I talk to you ?
Joey: Look, Michael, if we’re gonna be roommates, you should know there are gonna be times when I'm not gonna wanna talk, I'm just gonna wanna eat the spaghetti you made for me.
Michael: Well, actually, I'm not gonna be your roommate.
Joey: What ? Why ?
Michael: I don't know... I talked it over with my mom and she is...
Joey: Oh Michael ! Don't listen to her ! (Gina enters the room at the same time.) She's a selfish, crazy... Okay, we need a signal for when she's here.
Gina: Come on, Michael. We're leaving.
Joey: Gina, this is nuts. He's a man, okay ? He's graduated college. He shaves. He sleeps with women.
Michael: I... I do shave.
Joey: Come on ! You have to let him go !
Gin: Oh yeah ? (She’s pulling Joey’s ear.)
Joey: (screaming) You can hurt me all you want, he's gonna move out some time.
Gina: Not if I can help it.
Joey: Look, Gina, I know he's your baby but it's time to move on. Change can be good.
Gina: Oh it's easy for you to say !
Joey: No, it's not ! No ! Look... Nobody understands wanting things to stay the same like I do. I was happy in New York. Okay ? And I tried really hard to keep things from changing. But everyone else got married and had kids... and moved on. They all changed. So... I'm giving change a shot. And it has been hard. But… just hoping things stay the same... it doesn't work.
Gina: You're smarter than you used to be.
Joey: I don't know where that came from.
Gina: (To Michael) You know he's a slob, right ? You know how you like everything nice and clean and in its own little place. There's gonna be sauce on everything you own.
Joey: I don't know how it happens.
Michael: Mom, that's okay. (Gina looks at Joey. He winks at her.)
Gina: (To Michael) If this is really what you want...
Michael: Thank you, mom. Thank you.
Gina: (Michael and her hug.) I'm just gonna miss you. That's all. It's been the two of us for such a long time.
Joey: Well, now it's the three of us. (He wants to join the hug but Gina rebuffs him.)
Gina: You gave your speech... Enough! (To Michael) You sure you're gonna be okay ?
Joey: Gina, he's gonna be fine ! He's old enough to move out ! You were raising a kid when you were 16 ! (Gina stares at him.)
Michael: How did I not figure that out ? I mean... I took calculus when I was 8 !
Gina: (To Joey) You're dead.
Joey: Gina, back off. I don't wanna hurt you.
Gina: Oh yeah ? (She pulls his ear again.)
Joey: I'm gay for David Cassidy !