[Scene : Joey and Michael’s house]
Joey: Do I smell Mom’s special chicken noodle soup?
Gina: That’s right. A box of Lipton’s and a cut up hot dog.
Joey: Man, that woman can cook! (Notices Gina smiling) What are you so happy about?
Gina: Michael. He’s sick.
Joey: And that’s a good thing?
Gina: Yeah, a sick boy needs his mother. I’m necessary again!
Gina: Oh, look at him. (To Michael) You look so pale.
[Michael scowls at her]
Joey: Dude, you look awful.
Michael: I feel awful. I think I got the flu.
Gina: Uh, don’t you tease me! Come on, sit down hunny. I want to take your temperature. (To Joey) Do you have a thermometer?
Joey: Uh, I think I do, yeah. When I left Days of Our Lives I took a whole box of stuff.
[Pulls out a box from under the counter]
Gina: They just let you take all that stuff?
Joey: Well, when you shove it down your pants they don’t seem to mind.
Michael: (Looking at some of the props) Why is there writing all over everything?
Joey: Oh that’s dialogue. I used the props as cheat sheets when I had to remember difficult medical jargon.
Michael: (Reading from one of the props) “Hi, I’m Dr. Ramoray”?
Joey: That took twenty takes. This stuff really takes me back. All those years of playing a doctor, I feel like I actually became one, ya know, and these were the tools of my trade. (Pulls out a reflex tester) Knee hammer. (Takes out an ear light) Ear looker. (Puts a stethoscope around his neck) Ah, necklace.
[Scene : An audition studio]
Joey: Uh, hi, I’m here to read for the part of Outraged Man.
Lady: Just sign in right here.
Joey: Like hell I will! Sorry, I bet people have been doing that all day.
Lady: Nope, you’re the only one.
Joey: (Smiles) All right.
[Joey sits down between two guys. He starts talking with the one on his right]
Joey: There sure are a lot of people here for such a small part.
Man: There are no small parts, only small actors.
Joey: Do you mean…children?
Man: I kinda need to go over my lines.
Joey: Not me. I got it all right up here. (Thinks for a second) Nope.
[Joey tries to look on the man’s script, but the man walks away. So, the other man on his left offers.]
Brian: Hey buddy, you need to look on?
Joey: Hey thanks, man. (Looks at the script) Oh right. Got it.
Brian: I’m Brian Michael David Scott.
Joey: That’s a lot of names.
Brian: I’m a lot of actor.
Joey: I’m Joey Tribbiani.
Brian: Oh please, I know who you are. Dr. Drake Ramoray from Days Of Our Lives. I’m a big fan of your work.
Joey: Really? Oh, thanks, man. I’d offer you a Days Of Our Lives t-shirt, but I only got two left and I like to trade those for sex.
Brian: So I guess we’ll be seeing a lot of each other. Ya know, we’re probably up for a lot of the same roles -- male, mid-thirties, dangerous, but sensitive. Man, this audition is taking a long time, I’m gonna call my agent. (Takes out his cell phone) Speed dial. (On the phone) Hi, Lisa. It’s Bri-Mi. Look- Huh? What? You’re kidding. No, wait, wait, don’t blame yourself. I’ll call you back. (Hangs up) Bad news man, they cancelled this audition. They gave the part to someone else.
Joey: And no one here told us? Now I really am Outraged Man! Well who’d they give it to?
Brian: Probably someone who was willing to sleep with the producer. That’s the way this town works, right? There -- I said it!
Joey: Oh, I guess we can go then, huh?
Brian: You know what, you go. I’m gonna stick around. My apartment doesn’t have air conditioning.
Joey: Really great meeting you, Brian..
Brian: Brian Michael David Scott.
Joey: How do you feel about “Dude?”
Brian: Awesome, my brotha.
[Joey leaves as the casting director walks out]
Casting Director: Joey Tribbiani? Joey?
[The casting director marks him off the list, and goes back into the studio. Joey walks back in the other door.]
Joey: Hey did- did someone say my name?
Brian: No, uh, no one did, but uh someday soon everyone will.
[Scene : Joey and Michael’s house. Joey, Michael, and Gina are in the living room.]
Gina: I’m gonna go get you some more tea.
Joey: Hey Gain, look, you’ve been here a couple days now without a break. Why don’t you let me take over? Ya know, go have a little “Gina Time.”
Gina: I don’t have “Gina Time” anymore. I’m a mother. I don’t go out. I don’t go on dates. I don’t have fun. I don’t do anything for myself anymore.
Joey: (Points to her chest, referring to her boob job) So you got those for Michael?
[Gina glares at him, and scares Joey, so he walks back over to the couch with Michael.]
Joey: Yeah, she’s not going anywhere. How you feelin’?
Michael: Not great, but everything’s gonna be fine tomorrow.
Joey: How do you figure?
Michael: Well, if she doesn’t leave by then, I’m gonna kill myself.
Joey: Don’t be so dramatic.
Michael: She said we’re gonna flush my system, Joey. I don’t know what that means.
Joey: Yeah, you’re grandmother was the same way when I was sick. I’ve had my system flushed -- makes you ask yourself some big questions.
Gina: (Gives Michael his tea) Here ya go. (To Joey) You gotta get up. Michael needs to take his nap in here.
Michael: She makes me take a nap every day at one. Not tomorrow though.
Joey: Alright alright, I’ll go watch TV in my room.
Gina: No, no, no, no, no. You can’t. I put this humidifier in there, it’s filling up with steam.
Joey: What? You just take over my room? I got private stuff in there.
Gina: Well if you’re worried about me reading your diary it’s too late. (Mocking Joey’s diary entries) “Dear Diary, Gina’s mean to me..”
Joey: That’s going straight in the book! Look Gina, I know Michael’s sick, but this is my apartment. I need some space.
Gina: Look, why don’t you just go to my place. You can stay there until he gets better.
Joey: I don’t wanna do that.
Gina: There’s lasagna in the fridge and I have Cinemax.
Joey: Get me the keys!
[Scene : An audition studio. Brian Michael David Scott walks out of the audition room.]
Brian: No no, thank you. It’s easy when the words are this good.
Brian: Hey, Joey.
Joey: How’d you do in there?
Brian: Really well, Hey uh, I know we’re in competition for this thing, but if I don’t get the part, I hope that you do. How ‘bout that?
Joey: You are awesome.
Brian: No, I’m just Brian Michael David Scott, Joey.
Joey: Hey, you added a “Joey!”
[Casting Director enters]
Casting Director: Joey Tribbiani?
Joey: Yeah, right here.
Brian: Hey buddy, listen. I got some inside info on this audition and I wouldn’t feel right about leaving without sharing it with my new best friend.
Joey: Great, what do you got?
Brian: This casting director is deaf, so you gotta scream all your lines.
Joey: Thanks that is good to know.
[Joey enters the audition room]
Joey: (Yelling) “Maybe this isn’t the best place to tell you this, but I love you Sharon! I love you with all my heart! (Still yelling as he walks out the door) So when will I know if I got it? (To himself) What’s the middle finger in sign language?
[Scene : Bobbie’s office. Bobbie is on the phone as Joey walks in.]
Bobbie: Yeah well Mother, I don’t understand what you’re so upset about. So there going to remove your uterus. What do you need it for? I gotta go. Yeah, I love you too. Bye.
[Bobbie hangs up the phone]
Joey: Uh, what did you want to see me about?
Bobbie: I wanted to explain to you how the business works. See you book a job, and I get 10 percent. Do you know what 10 percent of zero is?
Joey: Let’s see, 6 goes into 40..
Bobbie: God! I have never wanted to slap you more! You’re ruining your career. You don’t show up at an audition. You scream at a casting director.
Joey: The only reason I did that is ‘cause he’s deaf.
Bobbie: Who told you that?
Joey: This actor. I see him at all my auditions. He gives me pointers.
Bobbie: Is he the reason why you went into an audition, you threw away your script and you started barking?
Joey: Yeah, did I get that part?
Bobbie: Aw, Joey, he’s messing with your head.
Bobbie: Yeah, you’re little friend is shoving crap up your pooper! Joey, you’re such a sweet naive guy, but you can’t let people take advantage of you.
Joey: I can’t believe this.
Bobbie: Well, I can’t believe they take the fat out of my ass and put it in my lips, but they do!
[Scene : Gina’s House. Joey is in Gina’s bed, writing in his diary.]
Joey: “But then she surprises me. Like tonight, she generously offered me her place to stay. Well, I guess that’s all for now until tomorrow. Sincerely…Love, Joey. (He puts up the diary and goes to sleep)
[Cut to same scene. Time has passed. A man walks into Gina’s room and crawls into the bed with Joey thinking that it’s Gina.]
Roger: Hey babydoll.
Roger: What?! Who are you?!
Joey: Who are you?!
Roger: I’m Roger.
Joey: I’m Joey…well, that doesn’t help us at all!
Roger: I’m Gina’s boyfriend.
Joey: Gina doesn’t have a boyfriend. I’m her brother. I would know.
Roger: You’re her brother? Oh, you’re not supposed to know about me. Could you just pretend like you don’t know what’s going on?
Joey: I don’t know what’s going on!
Roger: Now all we gotta do is decide which one of us gets to stay-
Joey: Get outta here!
[Roger leaves and Joey gets his diary back out]
[Scene : Joey and Michael’s house. Gina is sitting at the counter. Joey enters.]
Joey: Hey. So, I found out about your little secret last night.
Gina: Oh my god, last night was Wednesday. I forgot. Poor Roger.
Joey: Poor Roger? Poor Roger’s bed buddy! That guy’s all hands!
Gina: Let’s not make a big deal about this okay. He’s just some guy I’ve been seeing.
Joey: So why didn’t you just tell me about him?
Gina: Because I knew you would tell Michael.
Gina: So, he doesn’t like to know about that stuff. When he was twelve and I was seeing this guy, he built a BioDome in the backyard and he wouldn’t come out until I stopped dating him.
Joey:What’s a BioDome?
Gina: It’s like a nerd fort.
Joey: He’s an adult. Alright, you can tell him if you’re dating someone. It’s silly not to.
Michael: What’s going on?
Joey: Okay Michael, come here. Your mother has something that she wants to tell ya. Have a seat.
[They all take a seat on the couch]
Gina: Look, you know that I’m a woman and that I have needs.
Michael: Well I don’t like the direction of this at all.
Gina: I’ve been dating somebody. It’s been going on a couple of months now. Look I know how sensitive you are, are you okay?
Michael: I’m fine. It’s just- I need some time to process this can you, can you just give me a minute?
Gina: Of course.
[Gina walks into the other room]
Michael: Yes, yes, yes!
Joey: Alright! What am I excited about?
Michael: Don’t you get it? She’s finally met someone. Therefore, I’m no longer the only thing in her life.
Joey: Wow, that is good.
Michael: It’s great! She could fall in love. They could get married. I mean, what if he’s one of those guys that wants to be with her every minute, and is jealous of her son, and he turns her against me..Think of it!
Joey: Yeah, yeah. We could be free. We could do whatever we want. We could walk around here naked.
Michael: We can! But let’s not..
Joey: Sorry buddy, my parts are begging to breathe.
Michael: We need to encourage my mom. I need to give her my blessing. Maybe we could have him over here. Yeah, yeah, this is incredible. It’s the greatest day of my life! Come here!
[They hug as Gina enters. Joey acts like Michael’s crying]
Joey: Oh, could you just, just give us a minute, yeah.
[Scene : An audition studio. Joey enters, and Brian Michael David Scott is already there.]
Brian: Hey, Joey. Listen, I’m next, but uh a little heads up on this casting director – she just had a boob job, and if you don’t comment on them right away she’ll get very upset.
Joey: Not this time, Brian Michael David Scott.
Brian: Hey, you got it right.
Joey: Yeah, I wrote it on my hand so I wouldn’t forget.
Brian: Why didn’t you just write it on a piece of paper?
Joey: Oh, you’d like that wouldn’t ya! Look, I know you’ve been screwing me out of all these jobs and I wanna know why right now.
Brian: Okay, okay, you wanna know why?
Brian: It’s because I’m intimidated by you.
Joey: Oh sure you are.
Brian: No really. When I saw you at that first audition I was like “I should just go home, this guy’s amazing.”
Joey: Yeah, well the director from yesterday doesn’t think so. I barked at him and licked his face!
Brian: I never told you to lick him.
Joey: I was in the moment!
Brian: I’m sorry I tricked you, but what am I supposed to do? I’m just a hack who’s lucky to get a job. You’re Joey Tribbiani. You’re a real actor.
Joey: Hey, look man, there are no real actors, only small children.
Brian: I can’t believe I treated you this way. I want to make it up to you. I’m next. They told me “Go in whenever you’re ready.” You take my place. I’m not even gonna audition.
Brian: Yeah, I’ve been a jerk. For me, please.
[Brian Michael David Scott opens the door for Joey]
Brian: Knock ‘em dead.
[After going through the door, Brian locks it and Joey's in a stairwell.]
Joey: Damn you! (Looks at his hand) Pick up milk! (Looks at his other hand) Brian Michael David Scott!
[Scene : Joey and Michael’s house]
Gina: Hey you guys, Roger’s gonna be here any minute to pick me up. (To Michael) Are you sure you’re okay meeting Roger?
Michael: Well, ya know, I can’t say it’s gonna be easy. I mean, the guy’s gonna take my mother away. I’ll try to keep an open mind.
[Roger knocks on the door]
Michael: God what a knock. I approve. Go to him.
Roger: Hey, Gina.
Gina: Roger, you know Joey.
Roger: Know him? We were in bed together.
Joey: Hey, don’t kiss and tell, Rog.
Gina: And I’d like you to meet my Michael.
Roger: Hey, hey, little man.
Michael: (To Joey) He is the chosen one.
Gina: So why don’t you guys sit down and get to know each other.
Joey: Yeah, all right.
Gina: Perhaps a cocktail’s in order. I trust everyone here likes Jager?
Joey: So, we are so glad you’re with Gina. We’ve never seen her happier.
Roger: Really? She’s always yelling at me and calling me names.
Joey: No, no, no, no, no. That’s how we Tribbiani’s show affection. (To Michael) Nerd.
Michael: Washed up Soap-Actor.
Joey: Heh heh. Virgin!
Gina: Here we go, three Jagers and one NyQuil.
[Michael hands Roger a Jager]
Michael: Here ya go, papa. Oh, did I just call you that? It felt so natural.
Gina: Baby we better get going if we’re gonna catch that movie. I’m just gonna go fix my face so I look presentable for my gentleman friend. (She downs her Jager and growls)
Joey: So Rog, what do you do for a living?
Roger: Well, I was working for a big construction company in Newport, but I lost a toe on the job.
Michael: Oh man, I’m sorry.
Roger: Oh, don’t be. I made a ton of money off it. I mean one minute I’m standing on this table saw..drinking beer, and the next minute I got all these suits shoving checks at me.
Roger: Yeah, but I burnt that money pretty quick. So I gotta figure out a way to get some more cash.
Joey: Not another toe.
Roger: No, no, no. I’m gonna lose a finger. I’m thinking about losing a pinky. I mean, there’s so many ways you can lose a finger. You got drills, saws, sanders, punch presses. (Pretends to chop off his pinky) Whoops! Better not get used to using that one, huh? Phew.
Michael: Uh, well work’s not everything. I’m sure you have some cool hobbies.
Roger: I like a nice pair of jeans.
Joey: Jeans? That’s a hobby?
Roger: Well, I’m not professional or anything.
Gina: We should probably get going.
Roger: Okay. It was really good to meet you guys. A little tip, if you slip in the movie theater bathroom and hit your head on the sink..free popcorn!
[Michael gives Gina the thumbs-up sign. Gina and Roger leave.]
Joey: What’s the matter with you? Don’t be doing this! (Does the thumbs-up sign Michael gave to Gina) That’s Roger after his next job!
Michael: Okay, so he’s different. The important thing is he likes her, and he’s taking her off my hands.
Joey: Whoa, whoa, Michael. That’s really selfish. What’s more important your space or your mother’s happiness?
Michael: My space. And I had to pretend to think about it.
[Scene : Joey and Michael’s house. Gina returns after her date with Roger]
Michael: How was your movie?
Gina: Eh, we were late. We drove by a Levi’s store and Roger got side-tracked.
Joey: We have to talk. Michael, anything you want to say to your mother about Roger?
Michael: I think he’s a keeper.
Joey: No he’s not. Gina, this guy’s a joke.
Gina: Look, I know Roger’s not the brightest, or the funniest, or the most ambitious..
Gina: Well it’s not like I have a lot of choices. Most guys my age are looking to date twenty year olds, not go out with someone with a twenty year old. It’s the best I can do. I’m not a great catch.
Joey: What are you talking about? You could always have anyone you wanted.
Gina: That was a long time ago, Joey. Now I take what I can get.
Michael: Take what you an get? Mom, no, that’s not okay. You’re, you deserve a lot better.
Gina: I thought you liked him.
Michael: I did, but that’s when I was lying. I just thought that it would be good for you to have someone in your life, so you wouldn’t have to worry about me so much. I mean, I’m a grown man.
Joey: You’re gonna fill out some, right?
Michael: And you are a catch. Are you kidding me? You’re smart, and your funny, and you’re beautiful. All my friends have crushes on you.
Gina: Yeah well I’m like the third girl those guys have seen.
Joey: You just gotta hold out until you find someone great. Okay? And when you do, even that guy’s not gonna be good enough as far as I’m concerned.
Gina: Oh, Joey.
Michael: And you know, I wasn’t gonna tell you this before, but my fever’s back.
Gina: Oh, you’re so good to me!
[Scene : An audition studio. Joey is already there. Brian Michael David Scott enters.]
Brian: Okay look, I know you’re probably still man about that stairwell thing, but I saved you life! Right after you got locked in there, three masked gunman burst into the-
Joey: No more crap up my pooper! You are about to be very sorry you ever messed with Joey Tribbiani. Did you get a phone call from your agency this morning? (In a girl’s voice) “Hello Bri-Mi, it’s Lisa. The location of your audition’s been changed.
Joey: The location wasn’t changed. That audition’s going on right now on the other side of town, my brotha!
Brian: I was perfect for that part!
Joey: Yeah well, too bad. You better think long and hard before you mess with me again, because from now on I’m fighting back. Are we clear?
Brian: Yeah. Except for one thing, if I’m missing that audition-
Joey: Oh yeah!
Brian: ..Aren’t you missing it too?
[Joey stops to think]
Joey: Come on, I’ll give you a ride!