[Scene : Joey’s house. Michael’s at the table working, and Joey walks in.]Joey: Hey Michael. Are you studying again? Do you realize how depressing that is to come home to?
Michael: As depressing as it is to come home to an empty lasagna tray?
Joey: Touché, Michael. It’s just a reminder of the fact that I have no social life out here. I’m having the worst dry spell ever.
Michael: My dry spell’s lasted twenty years, but go on.
Joey: I mean, in New York if you see a pretty girl, you just walk right up to her, you know? But here, they’re all in cars. They go whippin’ past me at like a million miles an hour. Like today, I saw this pretty girl driving toward me, so I make a U-turn and get a ticket for 800 bucks.
Michael: 800 dollars for a U-turn?
Joey: Yeah. We may have been on a freeway at the time, but..I just wish I had a regular place where I could go and meet women.
Michael: You could go to bars.
Joey: Nah, I’m getting too old for that. Plus I’m not great at telling whether or not they’re gay bars before I go in. Oh by the way, if Ramon calls, I am not here.
[Scene : Joey and Michael’s house. Gina is on the couch reading a magazine. Joey walks downstairs.]
Gina: Joey, come here. Look at this. The world is a freakin’ joke. (Hands Joey a magazine)
Joey: Cargo pants are five minutes ago? The world is a freakin’ joke.
Gina: No, the thing about the celebrity hairstylist.
Gina: I went to cosmetology school with that girl and she was terrible. She burned way more hair than I did, and I burned some hair. Now I have to read about her living the glamorous life and rubbing elbows with celebrities. That should be me.
Joey: You cut my hair. I’m on TV.
Gina: No offense, but you’re only slightly more famous than my client who shot her husband.
[Michael Enters carrying a plate of sandwiches]
Joey: Hello giant plate of sandwiches.
Michael: Joey, listen-
Joey: Oh, hey Michael, I didn’t even see you there.
Michael: Hands off. Theses are for my book club tonight.
Joey: A book club? Here, in my own home? Gosh, it’s like I’m living at the Playboy mansion.
Michael: Stay away from the sandwiches. Watch him, mom.
Joey: (Laughs) Pssh. (Gina glares at him and Joey looks scared)
Gina: I can’t believe this. It’s so upsetting when people with less talent than you are more successful.
Joey: Yeah, like that dog from my beer commercial..couldn’t catch a Frisbee on cue, works all the time.
Gina: Ya know, you should ask your agent to hook me up. She has lots of famous clients that need to get there hair done. Just show her my portfolio, I’m sure she will be impressed.
Joey: Well I can show it to her, but I’m not so sure she’ll be impressed. I mean, all the hairstyles are modeled by Michael. Even the women’s.
Joey: So? The Dorothy Hammel haircut with the heavy makeup? We’re lucky he’s not burring bodies in the backyard.
[Scene : Bobbie’s Office. Joey walks in.]
Bobbie: Joey, what are you doing here? Why aren’t you out there getting work?
Joey: Uh, didn’t have any auditions today.
Bobbie: Oh sure, put it all on me. (Notices the portfolio that Joey’s holding) What’s that?
Joey: Oh, it’s a portfolio of hairstyles.
Bobbie: What? (She looks through the portfolio) Oh, who’s the model? I’d like to keep that little piece of chicken in my pocket and snack on him all day.
Joey: Uh, that’s my nephew.
Bobbie: Well we can see who has the looks in your family.
Joey: Anyway, my sister is a hairdresser and that’s her portfolio. I was hoping maye you could show it to some of your clients.
Bobbie: Oh, absolutely. (Picks up the phone and dials random numbers) Hi. Halle Berry. My client has a sister who’s a barber. Could she do your hair for the Oscars? (Hangs up)
Joey: What’d she say?
Bobbie: Joey, I’m not here to do you personal favors. Let me explain how this agent thing works. First, you become famous, and then I’ll kiss your ass. But until then, let’s keep it strictly professional.
Joey: Okay, sorry. I understand. (Starts to pick up the portfolio and leave)
Bobbie: (Grabs the portfolio from Joey) Leave the pictures of the boy toy.
[Scene : Joey and Michael’s house. Joey walks in to find Michael’s book club has a lot of women in it.]
Maureen: Well hello, are you here for Book Club?
Joey: I am now.
Diane: What did you think of this week’s book?
Joey: I found it extremely fictional.
[Michael Walks downstairs]
Michael: Uh, Joey, Joey, can I just talk to you for one second?
Joey: Uh, yeah.
Michael: (To the girls) Sorry.
[Michael and Joey walk away from Maureen and Diane]
Michael: What are you doing?
Joey: You didn’t tell me there were pretty ladies in the nerd club. You gotta let me in.
Michael: Look, I don’t know.
Joey: Hey, come on, Michael. You can’t kick me out of a room full of women. If I was in charge of a room full of boring stuff, I’d let you in.
Michael: Look, this isn’t one of those book clubs where people just come to mingle. Alright? It’s a place to discuss literature not pick up girls-
Michael: Oh my god, Jane’s here, Jane.
Jane: Hi Michael. I brought an ice cream cake.
Michael: That’s great. It’s great-great to see you. Uh, great book huh? So great, It was a little slow at the beginning, but great over all. I mean, did you think it was great?
Jane: The cake is cold. My hands are getting numb.
Michael: Oh. (Takes the cake and puts it in the freezer)
[Jane walks away]
Joey: Not a place to pick up girls, huh?
Michael: What, Jane? No way. No, are you kidding? No, I would never-
Joey: Great, great, g-great, great, g-g-great, great, great, g-g-g-g-great, great..
Michael: All right! I love her so much.
Joey: So, so, ask her out.
Michael: No, the book club has a strict no dating rule, and I’m the president. She’s my vice president. The scandal would tear our administration apart.
Joey: Michael, you have to seize this moment. The love between two nerds is a rare and fragile thing.
Michael: I want to. I can’t go against the rules without a motion being passed.
Joey: So, I’ll make a motion.
Michael: You’re not a member. There’s an approval process.
Joey: Well, I motion you suspend it on account of me being the sole payer of rent for the book club’s headquarters.
Michael: I second the motion. The motion is passed
Joey: I motion for a presidential exemption to the no-dating rule.
Michael: I second the motion. The motion is passed.
Joey: I motion that you and me eat that entire ice cream cake right now.
Michael: Motion denied.
Joey: Mr. Chairman, you’re out of order!
[Scene : Joey and Michael’s house. The book club meeting has just ended.]
Joey: Great book club tonight, lively discussion, and I got five phone numbers.
Michael: Yeah, the girls were crazy about you. What’s your secret?
Joey: Well there’s no trick. Women just want to be listened to. So when they talk I pretend to listen and go like this. (Nods his head) Hey, so, how’d it go with Jane? Did you ask her out?
Michael: No, just ‘cause I wanna wait ‘til next week’s meeting just so I can set the mood. So I picked a romantic book, and I asked her to come over right before just to help me write out the discussion questions.
Joey: Nice. Nice. What’ the book?
Michael: Jane Austin’s Pride and Prejudice. It’s a tale of manners and courtship set in 19th century rural England.
Joey: I hope you enjoy reading that.
Michael: Joey, if you’re gonna be in the book club, you have to read the book. The whole notion of- (Joey is doing his pretending-to-listen nod) Stop that! Stop it!
Gina: Hey guys.
Michael: Hi, Mom.
Gina: So, is the agent gonna send me any clients?
Joey: Uh, no. Actually, Bobbie’s been very busy so I don’t know if you should expect a call.
Michael: Your agent? She did call.
Michael: Yeah it was weird, she called me her little chicken nugget and then made a bunch of slurping noises.
Joey: Uh, that's just show biz talk.
Gina: I can't believe you don't know anyone famous. If you hadn't turned down that hit show, you'd have so many connections that could help me right now.
Joey: Yeah, that's what I regret most about that decision.
Alex: Hey. I'm sorry to bug you, but did you get some of my mail by mistake? I didn't get my People magazine and the post office said they delivered it today.
[Joey turns and looks at Gina]
Joey: Gina, weren't you readin' that earlier?
Gina: (To Alex) What's the problem, I'm not good enough to steal your magazine?
Joey: (To Alex) Uh, that's okay, I think it's upstairs. Just have a seat.
Alex: No no, that's okay, you don't need to leave us alone..
Alex:..so, tell me, do you-
Gina: This isn't a social hour. What famous people do you know?
Alex: Oh, well um, my college friend Jessica's married to a big time movie producer.
Gina: So does she wear really expensive gowns, and get her hair all done up and go to big premieres?
Alex: Yeah, all the time. She goes to one like every week.
Gina: Aww, you're lying to impress me.
Alex: No, I'm not lying. She's a really good friend, of mine.
Gina: Yeah right.I'd like to see you ask her to let me do her hair for her next premiere.
Alex: Alrigtht, I will. Wait, what just happened?
Gina: I'm really good, I sware. I just need a chance. If you call her and set it up, I'll be nice to you.
Alex: For how long?
Gina: Name your terms.
Alex: Two weeks.
Alex: I shoulda said three.
Gina: And now you're down to one.
[Scene : Joey and Michael's house. Michael is setting up for Book Club. Joey enters.]
Joey: Hey listen, tonight at book club, don't have Diane sit next to Maureen.
Joey: I may be dating both of them exclusively.
[Knock On The Door]
Michael: Oh my god, that's Jane
Joey: Alright, I'll get out of your hair until book club starts. I'll be in my room reading the book and listening to some "Soft Rock Hits of the 70's" (Shows Michael a cassette tape) Can you believe someone threw this out?
[Joey Leaves and Michael answers the door]
Michael: Hi. Whoa. Come in, I'm sorry, it's just you look great.
Jane: Thanks. You look- I don't know. I can't see without my glasses. I probably shouldn't have driven here.
Michael: So uh, did you enjoy the book?
Jane: Oh, yeah.
Michael: Yeah, it's pretty romantic.
Michael: So, I wanted to ask you-
[Joey walks downstairs with headphones on]
Joey: Don't mind me. Just grabbing a snack. Reading makes me hungry.
Michael: (To Jane) Uh, so-
Joey: (Singing) Just call me angel of the morning, angel. Just touch my cheek before you leave.
[Joey walks back upstairs, Michael gestures for Jane to sit down, and they both sit]
Michael: So I was, I was just thinking that maybe we could loosen up the rules of Book Club.
Jane: Oh, ok.
Michael: Like, maybe we could strike the No Dating rule from the bylaws.
Jane: Oh yes, let's do that.
Michael: Okay, consider it stricken.
Jane: Ok great, so we can date people in Book Club.
Michael: Yes we can.
Jane: So what's up with your uncle?
Michael: I'm sorry?
Jane: Well, do you think he would go out with me? He mentioned he was single last time, and I was hoping you could say something for me.
[Joey walks downstairs]
Joey: I'm gonna go read in the courtyard. Give you two some privacy.
[Scene : The Courtyard at Joey and Michael's house. Joey is reading.]
Joey: 4 down, 371 to go
Gina: I just wanted to tell you guys to be sure you watch TV tonight. I just did Alex's friend's hair for a premiere, and she's gonna be on the Red Carpet!
Joey: Oh, how'd it go?
Gina: Oh, I was a little nervous at first. She's a very fancy lady. She was drinkin' martinis and sittin' with her legs crossed. But then I got into it, and instinct just took over. I did this beautiful, old Hollywood style updo.
Joey: Congratulations. All right.
Gina: I'm gonna go tell Michael.
Joey: No, no, no. He's in there with a girl.
Gina: Okay, he's in there with a girl, and you're reading books? What is this, Freaky Friday? Alright, I guess I'll go tell Blondy how it went.
Joey: Ahh, call her Alex. You promised you were gonna be nice.
Gina: Only one more day of that, and some stuff is gonna happen.
Joey: Five minutes left, I gotta buckle down...hey little snail!
[Diane and Maureen walk into the courtyard]
Diane: Hi Joey.
Joey: Diane..Maureen. You two know each other?
Maureen: Oh yeah, we're good friends.
Joey: I did not know that. Come on in.
[Joey, Diane, and Maureen walk inside the house]
Jane: Hi Joey.
[Joey walks over to Michael]
Joey: Listen, Michael, I didn't exactly finish the book, okay? So don't call on me.
Michael: You're unbelievable.
Michael: Come here.
[Joey and Michael walk outside]
Joey: What's the matter? Did you ask Jane out?
Michael: No, I didn't ask her out, 'cause she wants to go out with you.
Joey: Oh dude, I'm so sorry. Obviously I would never-
Michael: You totally screwed this up for me.
Joey: I didn't mean to. I barely said two words to her.
Michael: You didn't have to. You came to the meeting last week with your game face on, looking to score, and it worked. Alright? you're like a..big blob of sex, and you oozed your charm all over the girl I like.
Joey: I am not a sex blob! Okay, this is not my fault. Look, I'm sorry if she likes me, but I didn't do anything wrong.
Michael: I should never have let you in.
[Joey and Michael walk back inside]
Jane: So, should we get started?
Michael: Yes. Come, Joey, let's go talk about the book we all read.
Joey: (Whispers) Nothing past page four!
[Joey avoids Jane, and sits between Diane and Maureen]
Maureen: Hey, I wanted to call and tell you what a great time-
Joey: Uh, Book Club is starting everybody! (Rings a bell) Book Club!
Michael: Okay, so, who wants to start?
Lloyd: I thought-
Michael: Joey, what did you think of Pride and Prejudice? Let's hear it. What were some of the central themes?
Joey: Uh...well, pride was one.
Maureen: Oh, yeah.
Joey: And of course prejudice, which is wrong!
Maureen: Oh yeah.
Diane: Uh huh.
Michael: Uh, uh huh, and what did you think of Darcy?
Joey: She was good.
Michael: Darcy's a man.
Maureen: But not in the modern sense. Is that what you're saying Joey?
Joey: Uh, yes it is. Yes it is, Maureen. Thank you.
Diane: That's interesting.
Jane: That's very interesting.
Michael: He didn't read the book! The only reason he's here is to pick up women. Now, in the interest of maintaining the integrity of Book Club, I motion that we kick Joey out. Who seconds?
[No one raises their hand]
Michael: Come on! He didn't read the book.
Maureen: Neither did I.
Diane: Me neither.
Lloyd: I saw the movie.
Joey: There was a movie?!
Michael: Did anyone here read the book?
Maureen: You put too much pressure on us, Michael. A book a week?
Jane: It's just really gotten very stressful.
Michael: How is reading stressful? Reading is fun. (Yelling) It's fun!
Joey: Okay, let's not turn this into a hostage situation. If you want me to leave, I will.
Jane Maureen and Diane: No!
Michael: You know what, I'm just gonna leave.
[Scene : Alex's House. Gina and Alex are getting ready to watch the premiere.]
Alex: Okay, it's almost time for the big premiere. I made popcorn.
Gina: Nice place. (Picks up a picture) Who's the knockout in the tiara?
Alex: Oh, that's my sister Nancy. She was queen of the Rose Parade.
Gina: Oh, you're cute, but maybe you shouldn't stand next to her in family pictures.
Alex: Yeah, that's what my mom says.
Gina: I really appreciate you helping me out. I mean, I know I mess with you sometimes but it's just for fun. (Gives Alex a friendly jab)
Alex: Oh yeah, that is fun. (Starts to give Gina a friendly jab back, but decides it's best not to hit her) So this is actually kinda nice, being friendly. Maybe we could keep it up a little longer than a week.
Gina: Hmm, I physically can't. Oh my god, it's on! Ahem, George Clooney. I would ware him down to a nub.
Alex: yeah, I would..have bunches of sex with him.
Gina: Oh my god, that's Jessica's husband getting out of the limo.
Alex: Oh my god, this is exciting. Oh there she is. Oh wow, she actually looks really good. Not that I'm suprised. I mean, when I said "actually" I didn't mean..(Notices that Gina looks sad) What? What's wrong?
Gina: She took it down.
Gina: That wasn't the style I gave her. She must've taken it out in the limo. She hated it. I can't believe this. (Turns off the TV)
Alex: Oh, I'm so sorry.
Gina: I knew when I walked in there I was out of my league, but i spent two hours trying to fake it.
Alex: Oh no. There, there..
Gina: I can't believe I ever thought I could do this. I just don't fit in with rich people. They look down on me. They always have and they always will. With their grammer, adn their leg crossing, and..
[Alex uncrosses her legs]
Alex: Hye, don't be sayin' that girlfriend. Okay look, I grew up with money, and I don't look down on you. If anything, I envy you.
Gina: Come on.
Alex: IT's true. I wish I were as strong and as confident as you. And if it were me, I would be more than happy to have you do my hair.
Gina: Really? You mean that?
Gina: So can we do it right now?
Alex: Now? Oh, now seems so soon.
[Scene : The courtyard outsidee Joey and Michael's house. Joey's on the phone.]
Joey: Look, Michael, it's Joey. I know you're mad, but I hope you come home soon so we can talk about how you're feeling and work this out. And also, if you get a chance to pick up some tacos or something on your way home that'd be great. (Hangs up)
Joey: Hey, look uh, I know you're upset because Jane liked me, alright but I hope you know I would never come between you and a girl, alright and I really did not mean for that to happen.
Michael: I know you didn't. That's the problem.
Michael: It's gonna happen whether you try or not, you know? Anytime I actually get a girl and bring her home, she'll take one look at you and forget I'm even here.
Joey: Come on, give yourself some credit. You have so many gifts that I don't have. You're really smart. People respect your opinion about stuff. That's a great thing.
Michael: Maybe. I'd still rather have your gifts.
Joey: Yeah me too, but believe me. You are on your way to big things. Okay, because you're only gonna get better with girls and stuff. But I'll always suck at math. In like 5 years, you are gonna be a force to be reckoned with.
Michael: Yeah, and in 5 years, you'll be 40.
Joey: You have a lot of your mother in you, don't you
Gina: Okay, ladies and gentelman, modeling a Gina Tribbiani hairstyle called the Nice 'n Nasty, I give you Alex Garret.
Joey: Whoa, now that's a neighbor!
Gina: (To Michael) Come on, get your camera. I wanna get some pictures.
Michael: (To Alex) You look so diffrent. I can't believe you own an outfit that slutty.
Gina: Hey, that's mine. I wear that to church.
[Michael and Gina Leave]
Joey: You're very nice to be such a good sport.
Alex: Can I tell you something? I love it! I feel like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman.
Joey: You know she was a hooker, right?
Alex: Yes. I have to go look at myself in the mirror again!
[Scene : Bobbie's Office]
Bobbie: Oh, Joey I've got great news.
Joey: Did I get that commerical?
Bobbie: No, I bought a horse.
Michael: Joey, come on. I gotta get to school. (To Bobbie) Oh, hi, I'm Michael.
Bobbie: Oooo, have a seat. Joey, I completely forgot. There's a residual check for you in the accounting department. Why don't you go grab it?
Joey: Alright! Okay, I'll be right back. I'll be right back.
Bobbie: So, Michael, how do you feel about full frontal nudity?
Michael: I'm not an actor.
Bobbie: Oh yes, I know.