[Scene: Joey & Michael’s Apartment – Joey & Zach]Joey: (picking up a present) Awww, I am gonna love this!
Zach: Hey, Alex!
Alex: So, are we all ready to pick names for Secret Santa?
Michael: Yeah, we’re just waiting for Howard.
Alex: Okay. (walks over to Gina, who’s at the table, whispering) Hey, listen, promise me that if you get Joey’s name for Secret Santa that you’ll give it to me, okay?
Gina: Oh, what now, you think you’re gonna get him the perfect gift and then he’s gonna realize (mockingly) Oh my god, I was supposed to be with Alex all along
Alex: There would also be a make-over montage, but that’s the basic idea.
Howard: (coming in with a hat in his hand) Hey!
Joey: Hey! Here we go!
Michael: Alright Howie!
Howard: Okay! The names are all ready for the Secret Santa and, since I did all the preparation, I’ll just go first.. (takes out a big, red piece of paper) Oh! Okay! This looks like somebody that might be fun to get a present for! (looks at Joey)
Joey: (taking a piece of paper) Well, what I want more than anything is a white Christmas... just a blanket of snow on the ground, you know, you can go bob-sledding, you can have snowball fights…
Michael: Joey, we’re in L.A….
Joey: Are we just saying obvious things now? (sarcastically) It’s Wednesday!
Michael: No, it’s not. (Alex pulls Howard to the side)
Alex: Hey! (pulls the piece of paper from Howard’s hand) Give me that! You cheater! Gee, I wonder whose name you put on the big, red piece of paper!
Howard: Damn it, it was the perfect crime! I should never have left you alive! (Alex stares at him blankly)
Alex: I get Joey, you take mine (gives him her piece of paper)
not him! He doesn’t deserve a gift, I
hate him! (Howard storms out) (Gina walks over to Alex)
Gina: Jeez, did you have Michael or Zach?
Alex: (confused) I had Howard…
START CREDITS(Joey and Dean are in the patio, smoking cigars and drinking beer on two chairs, there’s a small table between them)
Dean: Aah! This is the life, huh? When you move in next door to me we can do this every day.
Joey: Hang out, smoke cigars, drink beers, just be guys, huh? (Joey hands Dean his beer bottle)
Joey: Can you open this for me?
Dean: Nu-uh, I just moisturized..
Joey: (yelling) Alex! We need another one opened up! (Alex enters, moaning)
Alex: Oh, for God’s sake! Jeez! (opens the twist-top beer bottle) (Dean gets up and goes around the small table to Alex)
Dean: I hope this isn’t too forward, but (looking Alex up and down, taking her hand in his) it just got a lot prettier out here… (kissing her hand)
Alex: I’m not making you any more sandwiches.
Dean: (smiling) We’ll see… (Michael enters)
Michael: Hey guys!
Joey: What are you doing here? I thought you were going out with Abby?
Michael: Yeah, we got in this big talk about where our relationship is going..
Joey: Ooh, ‘The Talk’... what’d you tell her?
Michael: Well I said I didn’t know and.. uh.. now we’re taking time off until I can figure out what I want.. we uh.. we broke up, I guess…
Joey: Well, you know what Michael, you did the right thing. I mean, what you gonna do? Huh? Move in together? Get engaged? You don’t want that..
Alex: Oh really? Why? Because he might be in a (in a creepy voice) committed relationship?
Joey: (a little shook up) Well don’t say it in that scary voice.. (Alex leaves) I’m just saying, you don’t wanna jump into anything you’ll regret, okay? Abby was like your first real girlfriend.. ever!
Michael: Yeah, I know, but I also hated being single Joey, I was terrible at it.
Joey: Yeah, but you’re a changed man now, Michael. Once one girl gives you the stamp of approval other girls consent it. Women actually have a part of the brain that we don’t.
Dean: It’s called The Fibulon.
Michael: That is very not true.
Joey: Michael, being single is great, okay? You can say.. ‘Tonight, I’m gonna pick up and go to Tijuana’ and you just do it!
Michael: Yeah, but I never did that kind of stuff when I was single.
Joey: Okay, that is my fault, I am your uncle. It is my job to teach you about life, huh? So tonight we’re gonna go to Tijuana! Guys’ road trip! The men are going to Mexicoo! (Dean and Joey try to open the twist-top bottles, but fail)
Dean and Joey: (in unison) Aaaaalex! (cut to Joey’s apartment, later)
Joey: Michael, come on, let’s go!
Zach: Yeah, this is going to be awesome! Mexico, baby!
Michael: Alright, let’s go!
Joey: Alright! (to Gina) Zach knows all the cool hotspots to hit, we are gonna get so many women! Oh! Alex, you speak Spanish, how do you say “How you doin’?”
Alex: Yo tengo herpes.
Joey: (repeating after Alex) Yo tengo herpes. Got it! (gives Alex a thumbs up)
Dean: Hey guys, I’m sorry, I forgot I had plans tonight..
Dean: But I wanted to drop off this map of Tijuana with some of my favorite entertainment venues. (showing something on the map) Like right here, there’s a great little family-owned restaurant where they hand-make the most delicious tamales… it’s also a whore house.
Dean: Have fun!
Gina: Oh, Michael, wait, I wanna make sure you have enough money.
Michael: You just want me to bring back some of those Mexican diet pills..
Gina: Yeah, the big, yellow ones. They make you feel crazy! (Gina and Michael go outside, Alex and Dean are all alone)
Dean: You know, I’m one of the investors in this new club, Access. We’re having a little party tonight and I thought you might like to bring that body of yours..
Alex: (offended) Oh, God.. I’m sorry, but why are you always hitting on me? And, why do you think I would like that?
Dean: I’m Dean. (grinning) I’m awesome.
Alex: How old are you?
Dean: I’m 51. How much do you weigh? (Alex looks at him, shocked)
Dean: Hey, you asked me a personal question, what are you, like.. a buck 15?
Alex: That is none of your business and I will have you know that after a bout with the ‘flu last week I was 108! God.. guys like you make me sick!
Dean: (still grinning) Oh really? What kind of guy am I?
Alex: You’re the kind that thinks that never growing up is cute, instead of just pathetic. You’re the kind who thinks that every other guy around him has to act like a childish jackass too, just so you can make yourself feel better about your own selfish, pointless, ridicu.. (Dean grabs her and kisses her, she pulls away) Oh my god! What are you doing?!
Dean: (in a causal voice) I dunno, that’s just the way I usually deal with pretty girls who’ve got the Yaps (makes a yapping motion with his hand)…
Dean: Wait, wait, wait, look. You’re just this beautiful, young woman, you should be out there, breaking hearts, acting crazy, having fun! Instead of being so.. up-tight and attacking me and Joey for living a little..
Alex: (in a weird voice) I-I have fun!... I.. power-walk!
Dean: I’m just saying… you’re so sure you’re right and we’re pathetic, but maybe, maybe it’s the other way around..
Alex: Well maybe, maybe, yeah, uh, you’re a jerk. (exits towards her apartment, Dean exits towards the hot-tub) (Alex runs back inside)
Alex: You got a better comeback for… (sees he’s not there) Okay, he left.. that’s good.. (cut to a crowded bar in Tijuana, Joey, Zach and Michael are all drunk)
Michael: Hey, that last place was interesting…
Joey: Yeah, it’s the first strip-club I’ve been to where you had to pay to get out.
Zach: Here’s an idea! Why don’t you two just (sapping) SHUT UP!
Joey: (sartled) What is wrong with you?
Zach: Ooh, when I first start drinking I get belligerent, but around my seventh drink it’s all “I love you man” and bear hugs. Then I black out into what I like to call The Mystery Zone.
Joey: Aah, The Mystery Zone, very dangerous place, Michael.. filled with ugly women and delicious hot-dogs
Joey: Come on guys, I need a drink.. (they go over to the bar, and order 3 shots)
Joey: Yeaah! Isn’t this great, Michael? Look at all these girls, huh? (Joey and Zach down their shots, Michael hesitates)
Michael: I really shouldn’t drink, if I.. (Joey lifts Michael’s elbow, forcing him to drink it)
Joey: In ya go!
Joey: Alright, hey, hey woo, nice! (pointing at a beautiful girl, alone at a table) There’s your first victim. Go hit on her!
Michael: No, Joe, I’m never gonna pick up a girl in a bar, okay? You know, I was better off with Abby!
Joey: No, Michael! The only reason you’re thinking about Abby is ‘cause you’re afraid. You know what you should be afraid of?
Joey: You should be afraid of commiting to someone to soon! Next thing you know, you’re on a one-way train to Marriage-Ville. And the train is dropping off so many miserable husbands and wives that, before you know it, there’s so many people in Marriage-Ville, that they have to build an airport! Then, no-one’s taking the train anymore and the train station becomes defunct. (looking at his glass) What the hell is in this? (downs another shot, so does Zach)
Michael: You know what? Okay! I’m gonna try. Just once, just to shut you guys up. Okay?
Zach: Go get her! (a beautiful girl comes up to the bar and asks for a drink)
Joey: (turning to her) Holas! (in a sexy voice, raising his eyebrows) Yo tengo herpes… (the girl looks at him in disgust and exits)
Michael: (sitting down next to the pretty girl) Hi. Hey, I’m Michael.
Pretty Girl: Elisa. (they shake hands)
Michael: You’re very pretty, you look just like my mom. (She looks at him in a weird way, he tries to fix it, adding) but that’s a compliment, ‘cause my mom has an amazing body.
Joey: Looks like he’s doing well, I think he just said something about her body! (Zach and Joey laugh)
Michael: This one time I saw her from behind and didn’t know it was her (laughs), heh, I had some thoughts.. (gets embarrassed) But that’s for me and Dr. Porter to work out so… (mimics zipping up his mouth) What am I talking about? Why haven’t you stopped me yet!
Elisa: No hablo ingles?
Michael: (grinning) You don’t speak English? (Elisa shakes her head) (to the guys, happily) She doesn’t speak English!
Joey: Heeey! She doesn’t speak English! Michael might actually have a chance! (in a weird flight attendant voice) There’ll be no flights into Marriage-Ville this evening, due to heavy weather over Chicago, please be patient, you will receive a meal voucher. (pointing at the glass in his hand) I love this stuff! (he and Zach down another shot) (cut to Joey’s apartment, Gina’s there alone, Alex enters)
Alex: Hey! You know Joey’s neighbor Dean and his whole “lame-over-sex-Peter-Pan” act? This afternoon he had the nerve to tell me that I'm the one with a problem, that I don’t know how to have fun! (getting all weird) I mean.. that’s crazy! Would someone who doesn’t know how to have fun be able to do this? (goes behind the couch and mimics walking down stairs, disappears, then pops back up)
Gina: (sort of sympathetically) He may have a point..
Alex: Oh god.. I know.. he’s right! I don’t know what happened to me! I used to be fun, in college I used to go out every night partying, I was in a less-successful precursor of The Girls Gone Wild!
Gina: So what’s stopping you now? You’re a sexy, single gal, you should be out having fun, meeting guys…
Alex: Yeah, I guess it’s just ‘cause I’m so hung up on Joey…
Gina: Oh, enough of that! Come on! They get to go out to Tijuana, we are going out tonight, huh?
Gina: Oh, and I know exactly what we’re gonna do! Have you ever wrestled another woman for prizes?
Alex: O-okay, I do wanna go out tonight and that sounds neat, um, but Dean actually mentioned a party, so…
Gina: Okay, we’ll go there then! We are going to go nuts tonight! It’s gonna be better than any Tijuana trip!
Alex: Yeah, those guys are probably just sitting around the hotel right now (they exit) (cut to the bar in Tijuana, Joey’s sitting on his back on a table, blindfolded, with Zach and Michael pouring Tequila in his mouth)
Crowd: Joey! Joey! Joey! (some other guys help him get up and he raises his hands, everyone quiets down. He reaches his hand out, the give him a knife, he aims and throws, everybody cheers and they take his blindfold off) (cut to Dean’s club, Gina and Alex just got here)
Dean: (greeting them) Heey! Alex, I’m really glad you came.. (checking her out) You look.. amazing. Drop by table later..
Gina: I think he’s into you!
Alex: That guy doesn’t know how to be into someone, he’s a pig.
Gina: All I know is he didn’t even look at me.. (a guy walks between them, looks at Gina and says “Nice!”) Thank you!
Alex: Okay, so should we find a place to sit and people-watch?
Gina: No, no! I thought you were gonna come loose tonight!
Alex: Ooh, yeah..
Gina: Come on.. what would college Alex do right now?
Young, handsome waiter: Champagne?
Alex: (turns around, confidently) Actually.. I think I’ll take a beer.. from your six-pack (lifts his T-shirt and pretends to take a beer from his six-pack, opens the fictional beer, pours it down, smashes the can against her forehead and throws it away) And recycle that! (doing a weird chicken-dance) Now dance for me, you dirty whore, yeah! (Waiter exits)
Alex: Was that too far?
Gina: (enthused) No!
Alex: (also enthused) Okay! (they exit) (cut to the guys hotel room in Tijuana, Joey is sleeping on the bed and Michael comes in)
Michael: Joe, wake up. Joey. Joey!
Joey: (Joey wakes up, scared, yelling) Hands off me! I’m an American! Oh.. it’s you. (obviously hung over) Are we still in Mexico, I don’t remember a thing..
Zach: (wakes up, very energetic, almost shouting) Well, well, well! Gooood morning! (he pulls the curtains and laughs, Joey and Michael shield their eyes)
Joey: No, hey! What’s the matter with you?
Zach: I don’t get hangovers, it’s my most irritating quality. Now, come on! Who’s in the mood for (ecstatically) scrambled egg and fish!
Joey: Oh, no, Zach, please.. Michael, did you have a good time last night?
Michael: Yes, I did. I don’t remember very much, but that girl Elisa is in my bed right now and, you know what, in the light of day, she’s still cute.
Joey: Ooh, yeah! (Zach coughs as Elisa enters, only wearing a blanket)
Michael: Oh.. (he gets up, Elisa looks at him)
Elisa: Different.. (Michael’s smile fades)
Zach: You know, I don’t really remember a thing after we left that bar last night..
Joey: Oh, I know. (Zach picks up a videotape)
Zach: What is this? “Nostra Boda”?
Michael: Our.. something, I don’t know. Why would we have made a video tape? (Zach puts the tape in the VCR)
Joey: (to Elisa, who’s fully dressed now) Hey, what does that mean?
Elisa: (gasps) Dios mio! (the tape starts playing, wedding songs play in the background, Michael and Elisa are going inside a chapel)
Michael: I think it means “Our Wedding”…
Joey: Oh my god, you’d gotten married?!
Michael: (freaking out) How could you let this happen to me?
Joey: Hey, don’t blame us Michael, you did this on your own! If I had been there, I would never have let… (Joey appears on the tape, wearing a sombrero, with a whip in one hand and a bottle of Tequila in the other, whipping the air and drinking half of what’s left from the bottle) Well, whoever that is, he’s very handsome..
Michael: This is how you show me how great single life can be, you get me married?! (Zach shushes him, cut to the tape, Michael cheers)
Joey: Why didn’t Michael go up to the altar? And what is Zach doing there? (Zach and Joey are in front of the minister, they hug)
Joey: (on tape, totally hammered) This is a weird party.. (Michael realizes something)
Minister: Estamos reunidos oy aqu? para celebrar uno de los momentos m?s grandes de la vida. El matrimonio de Joseph y Zach.
Zach: Woah, woah, wait! He said Zach! What does “Zach” mean in Spanish!
Michael: You know, I’m starting to think that I’m not the one who got married.. (Joey and Zach stand up from the bed, wide-eyed and raise their left hands, to see a wedding ring on each of them, look at eachother and scream)
Joey: Alex is a lawyer, we’ll talk to her about how to get out of this mess. Until then, no-one has to hear about this stupid marriage.
Michael: Okay… (Joey unlocks the door) Wait, wait, wait! Aren’t you gonna carry Zach over the threshold? (they both give him a “go to Hell”-look and throw Michael inside the house)
Michael: (awkwardly) Hey, how are ya?
Alex: Soo, Michael, did you enjoy the single life in Mexico?
Michael: Well, Alex, yes I did. (turning to Zach and Joey) I did enjoy the single life in Mexico. Um, mom, here are your diet pills.
Gina: (taking the container) Oooh! Full of FDAN-approved goodness! (runs off to the bathroom)
Joey: (sitting down on the couch, next to Alex) Okay, Alex, we need your help. Do you know any lawyers familiar with Mexican law?
Alex: Well my law firm does a lot of work with Mexico and Latin America. What did you guys do down there?
Joey: Okay, last night we got drunk.
Zach: Really drunk.
Joey: Yeah and.. woke up this morning and found out that (whispers) Zach and I got married
Gina: (yelling from the bathroom) You did
Joey: How did you even hear that?
Gina: What do you think grandma will notice first? That he’s a dude or that he’s black?
Zach: What do you think, my family’s gonna be happy that I married (points at Joey) an actor?!
Joey: Okay, no-one’s telling anybody’s families! (to Alex) Okay, this is what they gave us. Can you please see if there’s any way you can make this go away? It’s all in Spanish, we couldn’t even find the chapel in the morning!
Alex: Okay, I’ll look into it
Joey: Okay, thanks… (he turns around, Gina looks at him and tries to restrain from laughing) Don’t you.. don’t! (Joey and Zach are picking up their backpacks)
Michael: Hey look Joe.. Joe, hey! I know last night didn’t turn out great for you, but it was awesome for me..
Joey: Yeah? Well.. good, I’m glad (gives Michael a pat on the back).
Michael: When it comes to making, like, a big commitment, I’m gonna wait.. until I have something you know, as special as what you and Zach have. (Gina and Alex start laughing)
Joey: Alright, that’s enough, I’m not taking any crap from a guy who was talking about his mother’s body all night!
Gina: (touched) He was?! (gets up and hugs Michael)
Joey: No, no, I am not talking about this any more until (Howard walks by the opened door) Zach and I are no longer married!
Howard: (having eaves-dropped) Married? Joey, you’re…? Well, whatever makes you happy…
Joey: Howard, no..
Howard: No, no! And you know what? If my hero, Joey, is gay, then
so am I! Look out boys! (does that weird “woo-hoo” thing with his arms) Alright! (Howard Exits) (cut to Joey’s apartment, later. Alex enters with a stand with a camcorder on top)
Gina: What’s going on?
Alex: I checked. Joey’s marriage is meaningless. There is no gay marriage in Mexico and, besides, Joey signed this document Sombrero Pete, Lord of the Bow Whips.
Gina: Joey’s gonna be relieved…
Alex: Yeah but, uh, not quite yet… First, we’re gonna have a little fuun…
Gina: (looks at her smiling mischievously) Ooh, I like the fun Alex.
Alex: (seriously) Yeah, just follow my lead… (Joey and Zach enter)
Joey: Hey.. boy, this wedding ring is the best thing that has ever happened to my sex life, I’ve never hooked up more girl’s phone numbers, me and my wife. (they laugh) Alex did you do some research? Did you figure a way out of this mess?
Gina: I did make some calls.. I think you guys better sit down.
Joey: (scared, they sit down at the table) What? What’s going on?
Alex: Apparently this document is rock solid. (flatly) You guys are married.
Alex: We have to file an official request with the Mexican Government. They require that you videotape (points to the camcorder) the proceedings. Gina, let’s begin? (Gina walks over to the camcorder and starts filming. Alex goes behind the guys and begins with “the proceedings”)
Alex: Commencing video request for the dissolution of gay marriage in the country of Mexico. Buenos d?as, El Presidente! (nudges Joey and Zach)
Joey and Zach: (in unison) Err, Buenos d?as, El Presidente!
Alex: Let the record show that the petitioners have wished the President a good morning. They are Joseph and Zach Tribbiani
Zach: Actually, I’ve chosen to hyphenate my last name.
Joey: (snapping) Did ya?
Zach: There you go! Belittling me in front of your friends again! Does it make you feel like a big man?
Joey: (somewhat embarrassed) Can we talk about this later?
Zach: When? After you’ve had four drinks and passed out on the couch?
Joey: Well maybe I wouldn’t drink so much if I didn’t have to come home every day to (pointing at Zach)
this! What are we talking about?!
Alex: Now.. under Mexican law, the only grounds for a male-male divorce is.. irreconcilable sexual differences.
Joey: What does that mean?
Alex: It means that you would have to describe, in detail, the point during your love-making where your lover became inadequate or (looks down, barely controlling herself) disappointing. (Gina turns away so they guys don’t see she’s laughing)
Joey: Whaaaat? This is crazy!
Alex: Well, I’m sorry, but you have no choice! (she looks away and tries to keep from laughing)
Zach: (sincerely, to the camera) Sometimes, when he holds me, it feels like he’s not really there..
Joey: (snapping) What the hell is wrong with you! (Zach crosses his arms, upset)
Alex: Joey, now it’s your turn. What is your sexual problem with Zach?
Joey: I don’t have one…
Alex: (writing in her notebook) Zach satisfies Joey completely.
Joey: No, no! Don’t write that!
Alex: Now, the last thing we need is El Beso Final… (clarifies) the kiss goodbye.
Zach: (in a feint voice) What?
Joey: What? No, I can’t… I’m not doing that!
Gina: If you guys wanna get divorced… (makes kissy sounds)
Joey: No, I can’t! Look, Miss El Presidente, please,
no El Beso Final, okay? Look.. you-you’re a worldly man, you understand what it’s like to get fogged out drunk and marry a dude, right? (he notices that Gina and Alex are laughing) What about it is so funny, why are you laughing? (he gets up, outraged) Oh my god, you’re messing with us!
Alex: (proudly) Yes, I am!
Not cool, Alex,
not cool! (walks towards the door)
Zach: Yeah.. you tell em baby!
Joey: (throws Zach an angry glare) We’re done with that! Look, I don’t mind a harmless prank… but wasting El Presidente’s time…
Howard: Look… Joey… I went to one of those bars… and I tried, I really tried, but I… can’t… gay… I’m sorry, I let you down…
Joey: Look, Howard, I was never gay!
Howard: (enlightened) Oooooh! I really wish I’d known that six hours ago… (Howard exits) (cut to the inner court between Joey’s and Alex’ apartments, later in the evening. Joey enters)
Alex: Hey, you still mad at me?
Joey: No, no, I’m okay. ‘Cause I’m gonna get you back, when you least expect it. Oh, by the way, I have this can of peanut brittle, would you like some? It is
delicious. (hands her the can of brittle, holding it like it were a bomb)
Alex: I think I’ll have it later…
Joey: Oh, yeah, later… when you
least expect it… (puts the can down, really carefully, on the edge of the deckchair Alex is lying on)
Alex: What, you’re leaving? No beso final?
Joey: Gotta hand it to you, you really got me before, that was a good one…
Alex: Well… there’s more where that came from!
Joey: What has gotten into you?
Alex: Well, I decided to make a change.. I think I need to have a little bit more fun…
Joey: What brought that on? (Alex tries to go back into her apartment, but Joey stops her) Nononono, come on, tell me, what?
Alex: Well I just been kinda hung up on this guy…
Joey: Really? Who?
Alex: It.. it doesn’t matter. The point is that I’m moving on.
Joey: Well good, you should!
Alex: Yeah, I’m going to!
Joey: Forget that guy!
Alex: Already have!
Joey: At a girl!
Alex: In fact, last night, I got numbers from three different guys!
Joey: Huh.. of course you did! You’re cool, you’re smart, you’re beautiful, a girl like you can have any guy you want.
Alex: You think so?
Joey: Pah! I know so. And I’ll tell ya another thing! Whoever that guy is, he doesn’t know what he’s missing (Alex kisses him passionately, Joey breaks off the kiss) Woah, woah, woah, what’re you doing?
Alex: This is how I deal with a guy who’s got the Yaps.. (she kisses him again, this time he kisses her back) (cut to Joey’s room, he’s carrying Alex inside, all the while kissing. He dims the lights and they collapse on the bed)
Alex: Em, just a, just a second, uh.. (she turns Hugsy around, so he doesn’t see what’s about to happen. They go back to kissing, Joey turns Hugsy around again, so he does see what’s about to happen) You know what, uh, let me get a little more comfortable…
Joey: Okay, sure, okay… (Alex reaches for her bra, only to notice it’s not there)
Alex: Oh, where’s my bra?
Joey: Ah, well, I took the liberty of removing it on the way upstairs…
Alex: That is amazing.
Joey: It’s part of my sexual slighter hand. I’ve also switched your underwear to a thong… (Alex looks down at her waist) Come on, Alex, I’m not
that good… (they go back to kissing, but Joey breaks it off) Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait… are we sure this is a good idea?
Alex: Oh, yeah… I’m all about enjoying life, I told you... it’s my new thing! We’re young and single, we should seize the moment!
Joey: (cuts in) Yeah, “oh yeah” was fine…
Alex: Okay (they start making out again)
Joey: You know what?
Joey: I got something you really like… I got some champagne downstairs…
Alex: Aww, you remembered?
Joey: Of course! I’ll also grab some chocolate syrup and whipped cream.
Alex: Oooh, sexy, a little nine and a half weeks?
Joey: Uh, sure, yeah, if there’s enough (Joey downstairs, Gina enters)
Gina: You got a girl upstairs?
Joey: How do you know?
Gina: Huh, the only other time you move that fast is when the microwave timer rings…
Joey: (takes two glasses and a bottle of champagne) Well, excuse me if I’m trying to burn off a few calories before enjoying a croissant pocket… Out of the way, Alex is waiting.
Gina: Joey, wait. I’m not so sure you should do this.
Joey: Ah, no-no, don’t worry, we talked, it’s totally cool. She told me all about her thing.
Gina: (incredulously) She told you she has feelings for you?
Joey: (confused) What?
Gina: (trying to cover it up) Errr… what you said, that she told you about her thing, that she has feelings for you.
Joey: That was
not her thing! Her thing was being fun, feelings is the opposite of fun!
Gina: Oh no, this is bad, you can
not tell her I told you that she’s in love with you!
Joey: In love with me? You said feelings!
Gina: Yeah, she’s been totally obsessed with you!
Joey: Obsessed?! You said love! (Gina’s lost for words) How long has this been going on?
Gina: Since the first time you guys slept together!
Joey: What?! All this time?!
Gina: Yeah, and it’s been really hard on her, you can
not sleep with her!
Joey: Right! (confused) Why?
Gina: Joey, she’s one of your best friends, it’ll screw up everything!
Joey: Right! Crap! (he puts down the glasses and the champagne) Right, well, I gotta get out of this. What do I do?
Gina: (she grabs his arms) Joey, you are gonna have to turn down sex! (he gasps)
Joey: I can do it! I can do it! I’ll just.. uh.. I’ll use some excuses women have used on me! (gina stares at him blankly, not understanding) Hey, hey! Several women have turned me down for sex… most on the day Princess Diana died…
Gina: Good luck…
Joey: Yeah… I’m gonna need it. I’m irresistible! You know what, I gotta find a way to tone down my sexiness… uh… (points at Michael’s rain hat and puts it on) Huh?
Gina: You look kinda cute…
Joey: (pouts) Of course I do! (cut to Joey’s room, Joey enters. Alex is on the bed, wearing nothing but a Rangers T-shirt)
Alex: Hey, tiger.
Joey: (standing at the door, in an awkward voice) Hey, fella! (he turns the lights back on)
Alex: Oooh, bright lights, you’re not shy, are you (she goes up to him and starts kissing him)
Joey: Woah, woah, woah! Slow down there, killer! (laughs awkwardly and sits down on the bed post) Aren’t we gonna talk first?
Alex: (confused) You wanna talk?
Joey: Yeah… I’m not a piece of meat, Alex… I have a mind… Foreplay starts here (points at his head).
Alex: You wanna talk? Okay, how’s this? (moves over to the bed post) Take off your shirt. (she tries to kiss him, but he runs to the window)
Joey: No, no, I, no, no!
Alex: Why not?
Joey: Well, I just, I don’t feel like my body is very pretty today…
Joey: Yeah, besides, I’m bloated, I haven’t shaved my legs and, and the Princess! We lost our English rose! (fake cries)
Alex: What is going on?
Joey: Can I not mourn the people’s princess? (he sits down and looks outside)
Alex: Okay… You’re being really weird… Do you not wanna do this?
Joey: Ah.. (makes some incoherent noises, he doesn’t have the strength to say no) Whatever, you know… what do you wanna do?
Alex: Joey, I’m in your bedroom, my bra is off, I think you know what I wanna do…
Joey: (snaps his fingers, realizing) The Labria Tar Pits it is! (the Labria Tar Pits, are some… well… tar pits, right outside L.A.) I’ll be in my car
[Closing credits]Transcribed by Doe for Joey Café.