Candice : So, as you can see, they started renovating the master bedroom, and, I brought some furniture by, just to get a sense of your taste.
Joey : It is so cool having an interior designer, who is also my hot girl friend do my house!
Candice : Oh really, why?
Joey : Well, because you are who I want this place to impress, you know. For example, it was great to learn that a fireplace in the master bedroom is sexy, but the loo side stature of two people doing it is not!
Candice : Alright! So, we are going to take this wall down, just to open the place up a bit.
Joey : OH! If the walls coming down anyway, can I take the first crack at it?
Candice : It’s your house.
Joey : It is my house! (Joey picks up a sledge hammer) Now you sure this is the right wall, right?
Candice : (nods and smiles) definitely.
Joey : Ok, you know?
(Laughs, swings at wall but misses and breaks a coffee table)
Joey : (coughs nervously) Umm, where was that antique coffee table you wanted to show me?
[Opening credits and music]
(Gina is walking from her kitchen to sit on the couch when Alex walks in carrying her laptop)
Alex : Hey, can I hang out here for a minute? My ex-husband is at my place, we’re dividing up our stuff.
Gina : You and Eric haven’t done that already?
Alex : Yeah, well. (Sighs) We’ve been fighting over who gets what. Word to the wise, if you ever get married, write your name on you party five CD’s!
Gina : Eric really screwed you over you must want to kill him!
Alex : Actually, I’m ok. My therapist taught me this technique where you write a letter with everything you with everything you wish you could say to someone, you never actually send it, but just getting that stuff down allows you to move past it.
Gina : (looks slightly puzzled) That really works?
Alex : Oh yeah, I’ve written my father, my brother, LeBron James.
(Gina now looks very surprised)
Alex : Well win a championship then act like that!
(Eric knocks and sticks his head through the door)
Eric : Alex? I’m taking off. Hey Gina, it’s been a long time. Just because me and Alex ended out relationship doesn’t mean change the way that we..
(Gina cuts him off before he can finish)
Gina : I’ve always hated you.
Eric : (turning to leave) Good! Then we’ll keep doing that!
(Eric leaves, Joey enters through the front door carrying two grocery bags)
Joey : Hey guys.
Alex and Gina : Hey.
Gina : You went grocery shopping?
Joey : Yeah, I’m making lunch for Candice and her grandmother, their really close and I need to score some points, cause for some reason her grandmother does not like me!
Alex : Why?
Joey : I guess when women get older they lose hormones, and that’s a big part of my appeal so!
(Joey nods and goes and puts the groceries away, Gina leans over to talk to Alex)
Gina : You know, he’s really into Candice maybe you should start thinking about writing one of these letters to get over Joey.
Alex : What are you talking about, I am already over Joey!
(Joey goes to walk upstairs to his room)
Joey : Oh, look at you Alex with your glasses and your laptop; you’re like a sexy, little, secretary. You want to come up to my office and take down a memo!
(Alex laughs very nervously)
Alex : Yeah, and then maybe you’ll chase me around your desk and my heel will break and you’ll catch me!
(Joey and Gina both look very surprised and slightly confused)
Alex : New document, Dear Joey.
[Scene : Joey, Candice and her grandmother, Gloria are having lunch ]
Candice : It was so nice of you to invite us over, wasn’t it grandma?
Gloria : There’s nothing like eating hot-pots in the common area of an apartment building!
(Joey bites into his food, but it is to hot)
Joey : Ahhh hot! (Spits out some of his food)
(Joey takes an ice cube from his drink and uses it to cool down his hot-pot; Gloria seems quite appalled and surprised)
Gloria : Ah, the way you eat, reminds me of my first husband Herman, God I hated that man. You look like him, you act like him, I bet you like the civil war too.
Joey : (nods) I do like the civil war!
Zach : Hey
Joey : Hey Zach, you know Candice and this Gloria who you will be surprised o find out is not Candice’s sister!
Zach : Why would I think that? She’s so much older than her!
(Gloria gets up to go)
Gloria : Candice, I’ve got to get going to a rehearsal.
Candice : Grandma’s got the lead in the Pirates of Penzance, down at the Beverly Hills retirement centre.
Gloria : Not for much longer, the director just quit and if they can’t find a replacement they are going to cancel it.
Candice : Grandma, it’s like the one thing she looks forward to all year.
Candice : Bye.
Joey : Bye (kisses Candice)
Zach : Hey man we should totally direct that play!
Joey : What?
Zach : Yes! You know how many rich and famous people have parents in the Beverly Hills retirement centre! If we put on a good show we could make all sorts of connections.
Joey : I don’t know anything about directing a musical.
Zach : I do, I’ll do everything. I happen to have a musical theatre background.
Joey : Where’d you study?
Zach : No, I mean an actual background! The Godspell people didn’t want it any more so I took it, it’s in my shed!
[Scene : Alex sat in Joey’s apartment at the table writing her letter, Gina walks in ]
Gina : Hey, ready to go to lunch?
Alex : Uh, yeah. I’m just finishing this letter to Joey. Feels so good to finally get this off my chest.
(Gina reads some of it over Alex’s shoulder)
Gina : Dear Dimples?
Alex : Yeah, well that’s kinda what I would call him if we had nicknames for each other, he would call be Button! It’s kinda of cute if you think about it.
Gina : How much do you think about it?!?
Michael : Hey guys, what are you doing?
Alex : Uh, nothing.
Gina : None of your business.
Michael : None of business? Oh that means it’s about Joey!
(Alex looks at Gina)
Michael : Well I already know you’re into him, come on Alex can I read it?
Alex : No! It’s very personal.
Gina : Besides you can not keep a secret.
Michael : Telling the school nurse you gave me vodka to help me sleep was not betraying your confidence! I was starting to need it!
Alex : I’m sorry Michael but if Joey ever saw this I would die.
Michael : I just want to read the first part.
Alex : NO!
(Michael tries to read it but Alex pulls the laptop away form him)
Alex : There now it’s deleted forever! Come on lets get lunch.
Gina : You’re such a pain in the ass.
(Gina and Alex both leave)
Michael : Well it’s deleted forever, oh how could I ever drag something out of the trash!
(Opens laptop and opens the letter file)
Michael : (while reading) Wow, what did LeBron James ever do to her!
[ Scene : The inside of the theatre, the musical is being rehearsed, Joey and Zach enter ]
Joey : Oh my god, looks like the haunted mansion at Disney land.
Candice : You guys.
Joey : Hey. (Kisses Candice on the cheek)
Candice : Thank you so much for doing this.
(Leads Joey and Zach up to the stage)
Candice : Everyone our new directors are here.
Joey : Hi everyone, I’m Joey and this is Zach. We’re looking forward to having a really great time. I’d like to give a shout out to a very special lady up there, hey Gloria.
Gloria : Now don’t ruin this by being a suck up like Herman.
Joey : Got it gorgeous, great blouse!
(Candice kisses Joey and leaves)
Zach : Ah, ok everyone just to get a sense of where we’re at why don’t we start with Modern Major General. Ok, music please.
(Everyone starts singing, Zach seems very unpleasantly surprised)
Zach : (claps) Alright, ok. That’s was really good everyone, if you want your families to think you’ve gone senile! Excuse me what is this (points to an old mans insulin bag).
Old man : It’s my insulin, I have diabetes.
Zach : and do you need this at all times?
Old man : Yes.
Zach : (shouts) then get off my stage!
(Walks over to an old lady)
Zach : What are those?
Old lady : blood thinners.
(Zach knocks them out her hand)
Zach : I will not have my actors taking drugs, that is how we lost Belushi.
Joey : Zach, Zach! Will you calm down?
Zach : Did you see their blocking, did you here them sing? They’re awful!
Joey : These are nice old people; they probably have like 6 months to live.
(Old man sat near them looks up at Joey)
Joey : Oh not you! You look great!
(Checks the old mans pulse)
Joey : Yeah you’re alright.
(Cut to Joeys apartment where Michael is still reading Alex’s letter)
Michael : Oh dimples! I miss the way it feels when you hold me. (Laughs)
(Joey comes downstairs and grabs the laptop)
Joey : What you reading?
Michael : No Joey you can’t read that!
Joey : (Reading letter) Touch me like no man has ever touched me before… Wow I gave you there benefit of the doubt but I guess I owe your mum fifty bucks!
Michael : I didn’t write it. Now I mean it give it back, Joey, I swear, don’t read it!
(Michael desperately tries to grab the laptop back; Joey throws him on the couch and sits on him to stop him moving)
Michael : Ahhhhhh (gasping)
(Joey looks stunned)
Joey : Please tell me that’s..
Michael : It’s a candy bar!
Joey : Ok good. (Keeps reading) I so badly want to tell you I still have feeling for you but I know you’re moved on and I probably should too. Who could this be about? (Stands up) She hasn’t been with anyone since her husband Eric, apart from me.
(Joey looks shocked)
Joey : Oh my god, it is Eric!
Michael : (jumps up) yes, yes its Eric, of course it’s Eric, dimples is Eric.
Joey : Does he even have dimples?
Michael : (starts waving his arms and getting over excited) does he have dimples, yeah he has, he has dimples, you could get lost in them and never want to be found!
Joey : What are you doing?
Michael : I don’t know!
(Joeys phone rings)
Joey : Oh here. (Hands Michael the laptop and answers his phone) Hey Zach, not again. One of my pirates wandered off! Alright, yeah, yeah you check the high school and I’ll check the mall. Alright, see you.
(Joey says bye to Michael and leaves. Michael goes to get his candy bar out of his pocket but its gone, looks through the window and sees Joey eating it who quickly leaves)
[Scene : Back to theatre, the play is being rehearsed again ]
Zach : Congratulations, this has the potential to be the best musical I have ever directed, and I have directed the Bethel Temples production of Shlom Shlom Birdy.
Joey : Thanks so much for doing this man Candice is loving me.
Zach : No problem man, I got you covered.
Bobbie : Joey!
Joey : Hey Bobbie, what are you doing here.
Bobbie : Well my mothers a resident here and she just happens to be in your production. (Waves to her mum) She needs a song.
Joey : Oh, I don’t know, all the parts have already been cast.
Bobbie : Don’t give me that crap! Make it happen.
(Bobbies mum comes up)
B. Mum : (shouting) is he going to give me a song or not!
Bobbie : I don’t know yet.
(Bobbie looks terrified of her)
B. Mum : Speak clearly you tree!
Joey : I’ll see what I can do.
Bobbie : Don’t look at me like that mother I’m trying, I’m trying!
(Joey walks over to Candice who is near the stage; her mother is practicing her solo song)
Candice : Look at her Joey, grandma is so happy. You’re such a great guy.
(Candice kisses Joey and leaves)
Gloria : (singing) Stay Fredrick stay, they have no legal..
Zach : Nah, nah, nah damn Gloria what key are you singing in M?
Gloria : I’m sorry I didn’t have much time to rehearse.
Zach : Why, cause you’re so busy with your job?
Gloria : Hey, I just..
(Zach interrupts her again)
Zach : That’s it Gloria gets off my stage!
Gloria : What!
Joey : What!
Zach : I’m sorry sweet heart its better you learnt his early you don’t have the chops. From the top people.
Joey : Zach, what the hell are you doing, you can’t fire my girlfriend’s grandmother, she’s the whole reason we’re doing this.
Zach : I’m sorry but she has a bad attitude and she doesn’t understand the choreography.
Joey : She’s seventy five! Maybe she doesn’t understand when you say “Beyonce it up”!
Zach : I mean look at Lette, she’s a much better lead. She’s a better singer, a better dancer, plus she exudes that raw sexuality that makes me wish she was twenty years younger, and that I was twenty years older, and that she was into younger men!
Joey : Zach, Zach, look I appreciate your commitment to this production ok, but Gloria is still the lead in this play.
Zach : Not in a play that I’m directing.
Joey : Well then I guess you’re not directing.
Zach : Then I guess I’m leaving.
Joey : Then I guess I’m not giving you a ride home.
Zach : Then I hope the 147 bus goes down Wilshaw!
Joey : I believe it does!
(Zach throws his script over his shoulder and storms out)
[Scene : Joeys apartment, Joey enters, Alex is sat on the couch ]
Joey : Hey.
Alex : Oh, hey. I hope you don’t mind that I’m here Eric’s back he’s just picking up the last of his stuff, and as soon as he leaves he will be out of my life forever.
Joey : Ok look Alex if you’re saying he’s going to be gone forever then we need to talk, um, I read your letter, dear dimples.
Alex : (She jumps up) Oh my god! You what, you read that! Oh my god I am so embarrassed!
Joey : What? There’s nothing to be embarrassed about, although I got to say I think you could to much better.
Alex : Joey don’t say that.
Joey : Well I’m saying it, and another thing, I’m not so sure dimples is straight.
Alex : Really?
Joey : Yeah! But who cares what I think!
Alex : I do. I mean how did you feel when you read the letter?
Joey : I don’t know, I kinda laughed, kinda turned me on a little.
Alex : Ok, well what am I supposed to do with all of this?
Joey : Ok look Alex I’ll tell you what you should do. If you want someone then you have got to make a move, and I mean now.
Alex : Now?
Joey : Now, right now. Do it! Do it!
Alex : Ok (starts to unbutton her top)
Joey : Yeah! That’s what I’m talking about! Do it! Do it Alex, do it! Come on go get him, go get Eric! (Pushes her towards the door)
Alex : I’m sorry how’s that?
Joey : Eric, dimples!
Alex : Oh (She tries to act normally), right. Dimples, Eric is dimples.
Joey : Yeah Alex I cracked your code. (Joey sees him through the window) There he is Alex! Go make your move.
Alex : No, you know what. I wish I could talk to him but I’m to weak, I, good bye Eric, we’ll always have, like, whatever! (Leaves very quickly)
(Joey looks annoyed and goes out the other door where Eric is)
Joey : Hey, wait, ok look this may not be my place but I need to talk to you dimples.
Eric : Ok. (Looks confused) What’s going on sunshine?
(Joey motions for him to sit down)
[Scene : The theatre where Joey is trying to direct the musical without Zach]
Joey : Alright everybody Zach is no loner with us due to creative differences, while we are all sorry to see him leave; it’s still going to be a great production. Any questions?
Walter : You’re not Zach!
Joey : Ok. Lets start with the final scene, places everyone. (Joey watches Lette walk down the stairs) Zach was not wrong there is something about that lady! Ok music.
(Gloria starts to sing, as does Walter)
Joey : No, no Walter. When you meet Gloria ok here, you need to walk into the middle, ok? And there needs to be more feeling, ok? And be a little more la (Joey sings a note) and a little less la (Joey sings a note that sounds exactly the same). And Gloria you need to be closer to Walter so he can get his arms around you, yeah.
(Joey moves Gloria closer to Walter)
Gloria : Just like Herman always trying to cop a feel! (Looks at Joey in distaste)
Joey : Sorry it’s really hard to control myself (Says Joey sarcastically).
(Gloria looks very smug)
Joey : Ok, you know what, moving on, lets go form the end of this scene where everybody sings together ok. (Walks over to one group of people) Alright now you guys, what I want you to do is one of those crissy-crossy things! And you guys I want you to do one of those jumpy-spinny things, alright! You got it here we go!
Old lady : But wait we don’t know what were doing!
(Everyone starts shouting at Joey)
Gloria : You’re the worst director ever!
Walter : You’re not Zach!
Old lady : Why doesn’t my son call me?!?
Joey : What! How should I know!
B. Mum : Lets get him!
[Scene: Outside Joey’s apartment where he is playing with some dolls trying to work out some of the choreography for the play]
Joey : (Keeps trying to work out a song and gets frustrated) Ah, it can’t be done! (Knocks all the dolls off the table in annoyance)
Zach : Hey.
Joey : Hey. (Reaches for a book)
Zach : How did rehearsal go today?
Joey : Yeah, couldn’t have gone better!
Zach : Joey I know you’re lying. (Sits down) Now look, I’m sorry I lost my cool back there, its just when it comes to my job, I’m a perfectionist.
Joey : It’s ok Zach, you care a lot.
Zach : Yeah well they have so much potential, I mean take Walter if I could work with him one on one, by the time he’s a hundred and twenty he could be a star!
(They both laugh)
Zach : So can I come back?
Joey : You better come back; I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.
Zach : No problem I’ll take care of everything.
Joey : Ok great, oh and can you teach me the choreography for Modern Major General, I’m using these guys (picks up dolls) to try and figure it out this is Walter and this is Lette.
Zach : That’s no Lette!
Joey : You’re telling me!
[Scene : Outside of Alex’s apartment ]
Alex : Hey.
Joey : Hey Alex.
Alex : Um, listen I was thinking about this letter thing and I appreciate your interest but I would really rather just let it go.
Joey : No problem, I completely understand ok. Hey you want to come over and watch some TV.
Alex : Yeah that would be great.
Joey : Ok.
(Grabs Alex’s arm and pulls her towards his apartment)
Alex : Ok, what?
(Joey pulls her inside his apartment and Eric is sat inside)
Alex : Oh my god!
Eric : Yes Alex it’s me. Don’t pinch yourself, this is real.
Joey : Oh. I’m sorry you to probably want to be alone, maybe its time for a little (makes a gesture telling Alex to unbutton her shirt).
Alex : Um, Eric this is a little awkward.
Eric : Shhh. Joey told me about your letter. Your Italian stallion is here!
[Scene : Outside the apartment, Joey is sat waiting and then Alex throws Eric out the house ]
Alex : Get out of here you jerk!
Joey : Dude! You didn’t do the couch pose right! (Takes the champagne glasses form Eric and goes back inside)
[Scene : The theatre where the musical is being performed ]
(A scene finishes and everyone comes off stage)
Zach : (behind stage to everyone coming off) Wonderful, wonderful. That was great! Gilbert and Sullivan would be proud of you, especially those of you they knew personally!
Joey : Where’s Walter? Walter should be out there!
(Walter comes up to them in a wheel chair)
Walter : I can’t go on, my hip gave up again.
Bobbie : Mother knows the part of Fredrick!
B. Mum : I don’t do drag! Such a cheap laugh.
Candice : My god, what are we going to do?
Joey : Uhhhhh.
Candice : This is grandma’s big duet she’s going to be devastated.
(Gloria is on stage, and has started singing)
Gloria : (singing) My Fredrick in tears, he can not be this lion heart, he quails at the coming conflict.
(Gloria pauses and looks around, but nobody has come on stage at their cue)
Gloria : (She repeats her line) At the coming conflict.
(Joey has got changed into Walters costume and rushes on stage)
Joey : I bound myself to serve the pirate captain! Until I reach my one and twentieth birthday.
Gloria : Stay Fredrick stay!
Joey : When duty calls I must obey!
Gloria : Ohhhh, Herman! (Kisses Joey, who tries to get her off him, Alex, Gina and Michael are in the crowd and look shocked)
Transcribed by Chris for Joey Café.