[ Scene: Movie Set ]
Director: OK, Joey you ready for your big stunt?
Joey: I’m ready! Syked!
Director ( doing the hand motions ): Let’s go over this one more time. Buddah is going to lunge you with a honey knife, you’re gonna doge to left, dodge is arm to right, punch him in the chin, flip him to the mark on the ground. Got all that?
Joey (syked) : Got it! Let’s do this!
(Make-up lady walks by, Joey then performs described action above on her)
Joey: Hey, you’re the makeup lady! Are we still on for tonight?
[ Opening Credits ]
[Scene: Joey’s Trailer – Joey – Eddie and Mike walk in]
Eddie: ( walking in and hands Joey a coffee ): Hey! Here you go buddy!
Joey: Hey! Thanks.
Zach ( turning towards Mike): Alright, ( high fives ) thanks for the ride, Mike.
Zach: Hey, Yo man, I’m gonna hang around here until they start serving breakfast.
Michael: I bought you breakfast on the way.
Zach: And I said thank you. Let it go!
Joey ( walking to the table and looks out the window ): Damnit. Here comes that script supervisor lady. She is constantly up my butt making sure ( mockingly ) I get every line perfect. I hate her. (sits down)
Zach: She is kind of funny though. I mean, she had this really good joke the other day. I don’t remember the details but it was something about you being stupid.
Joey (laughing): Yeah, that was pretty funny.
(Abby, the script supervisor walks in)
Abby: There you are. It’s time to play a little game called “ how many lines does Joey know.”
Joey: (standing up): You know what, why don’t you go bother someone else. I know the next scene word for word.
Abby: Really? Let’s here it. What’s your first line?
Joey: Okay fine. I..
Abby: (correcting) Had.
Abby: (correcting) Something.
Joey: Something! We had something good. No, great. I mean..
Joey: Wonderful. We had something wonderful until Valentines day. (Abby gives Joey and incredulous look ) Christmas? Easter? What is it?!
Abby (with no patience): We had something good until the day ( Joey joins in ) they kidnapped our son.
Joey: Yeah, I got it! I got it! Okay, so I forget a few words. Cut me some slack Ally.
Abby ( storming out ): ABBY!
Joey: (screaming): WHATEVER!
[ Cut to: Set. Joey’s stuntman, Zach walks up ]
Zach: Hey Joey! How’d you get here before me?
Chuck: I’m not Joey. I’m Chuck. I’m his stuntman. (goes to shake Zach’s hand)
Zach (shakes his hand): Hey, I’m Zach. I’m handling craft services. Hey listen, whatever you do, stay away from the roast beef.
Chuck: Oh why? Is it bad?
Zach: No, I like it.
(Joey walks up)
Joey: Hey Zach. ( Looks at Chuck ) Hey, we’re waering the same..(realizes something) Did I get fired already?!
Chuck: No, no. Joey, I’m Chuck. I’m your stuntman.
Joey: Oh! Just so you know, I wanted to do my own stunts but I didn’t wanna ( pointing to face ) damage the merchandise.
Zach: No, no, no, no. It’s because you tried to beat up the make-up lady.
Joey: Trying to look cool in front my stuntman! Anyway, we have that big fight scene coming up later. Do you mind if I see how you take a punch?
Chuck: Yeah, sure.
Zach: Hey, wait, wait, wait! I know what would be better. If he saw you would take a punch. That way, he can learn to react like you.
Joey: That sounds like a great idea! Alright, hit me Chuck. Lay one in there!
Chuck: Really? Okay! ( Punches Joey in the stomach )
Joey: (doubles over in pain. Screams out : OWWW!! You broke my tummy! (breaths in and slowly stands back up) You got that, tough guy?
Chuck: Hey huh, listen, Joey. Would it be cool if I shadowed you for a while? You know, get to learn your moves and your mannerisms?
Joey: Absolutely. You know, you should follow me around in my everyday life too. You know, see how I eat, how I walk, how I dance. (Starts dancing)
(Chuck starts dancing like Joey. Abby walks up and stares.)
Joey: If you’re waiting for an invitation, it’s not going to happen. ( Joey and Chuck keep dancing.) (Sings): Cause we’re dancing! And we’re dancing. Oh yeah, oh yeah!
[ Cut to: Porch outside apartment. Joey and Alex are eating. Gina enters.]
Gina: Hey. Joey, Bobbie got a call today from US Magazine. They’re running a picture of you out on the town with a lady. They would like a quote about the nature of your relationship.
Alex: It seems like every magazine I pick up, there’s a picture of you with from floosie spilling out of her blouse.
Gina: Actually Alex, you’re wearing a blouse.
Alex ( jumps up and excitedly, high-pitched voice ): Oh! I’m the floosie?!
Gina: It’s a picture of you two outside the grocery store. Apparently, they think you’re a couple.
Alex (laughing nervously, high-pitched voice): Oh, hahahaaha! That is so funny that they think that ‘cause I’ve never thought about that. Not even one time.
Gina: So, like I said, they want a quote about the relationship.
Joey: Huh, I wonder what we should say.
Gina: Oh! How about, in keeping with the grocery theme, ‘He bagged her once’.
Alex: No, I do not want people reading that.
Joey: ( Standing up )Okay, well, what do you want it to say. I mean, I’m fine with anything. What do you want our relationship to be.
Alex (nervously): Um, I..I..I think I would have to think about that.
Joey: Okay fine. Think about it and tell Gina. Say whatever you want. It’s your 15 minutes of fame.
Joey: (Sitting down) I wonder if they’ll call us Bennifer.
Alex: Why would they do that? Our names are Ben and Jennifer.
Joey (realizing): Oh! That’s what that means!
[Scene: Joey and Mike’s apartment. Mike walks in with a backpack on]
Joey: Hey. Where you goin?
Michael: I have a date. I’m going on a hike. In the canons. With a girl.
Joey: Oh yeah! Is it the big girl from Department 12?
Michael: It’s actually someone I met on your set today.
Joey: Alright, yeah! Is it the big girl from prop department?
Micheal ( defensive ) It’s not a big girl!
( Doorbell rings, Joey goes to answer it. It’s Abby. )
Abby: (Smugly) Hello Joey
Joey: You don’t have to bother me at home! I’ll have my lines memorized. ( Closes door ) Jeez.
Mike: What are you doing! That’s my date.
Joey: What? Ally?
Mike : Abby.
Joey: Don’t you start. (pushes him away from the door ) No,no,no! You can’t go out with her. She’s evil. How did this happen?!
Mike: I ran into her outside your trailer, we talked and I asked her out.
Joey: Do you see what she’s doing? Huh? It’s not enough to make me miserable at work. So, she meets my nephew, sees an opportunity to worm her way into my home and attack me by the insides!!
Mike: Or, she just thinks I’m cool.
Joey: Let’s not go out of your way to make up crazy explanations.
Mike: Oh, get out of the way! (Pushes Joey and goes to open the door).
[Cut to: Gina in Joey’s kitchen. Alex walks in.]
Alex: Hey Gina. I’m freaking out about this US Magazine thing. Is Joey here?
Gina: No, he upstairs with his stuntman. They’ve been breaking bottles over each others heads all day.
Alex: I don’t know what to say about our relationship. If I say anything about romance, he’s going think I have feelings for him. But then again, if I say we’re just friends, we’re going to be permanently labeled as buddies and maybe I want him to think of us as something more than that. Maybe, maybe, I should just say ‘galpal’. Oh no, ‘kissy friend’?! Oh! “buddy date’?
Joey: ( screaming from other room ): Alex, is that you?!
( Alex screams and runs out )
Gina ( screaming to Joey ): No Joey, it’s just mean down here.
Joey: I’m coming down the stairs. Tell me if I look like me! ( screams. Chuck is rolling down the steps. Joey walks down after him ). Alright Chuck, get up. We still got some work to do. Here, sit down. When Joey falls, he doesn’t put his hands out; he lands on his head ( points to head ). Okay, with a solid (makes noise, shakes head) ga-gush!
Chuck: You can’t do that. You’ll bust your head open.
Joey: No, no, no, no! You’re protected by your brain.
Chuck: Okay, um, you want me to fall down the stairs again?
Joey: Is it okay that I’m having you do stunts after hours. I won’t want cross a line here.
Chuck: Joey, you’re the star of movie okay? I’m here to serve you. I’ll tell you if you cross a line.
Joey: Okay great. (points behind Chuck) Is that your thing over there?
Chuck: (turns around to look): What’s that? (Joey breaks a bottle over his head)
Joey: You didn’t see that one comin’ did ya?
Chuck: That was a good one! (shakes hands)
[Cut to: Mike and Abby in the apartment]
Michael: That restaurant was great. You know, we should get some of that kinoah and make some ourselves.
Abby: Aw, that’s so cute. It’s ‘kinwah’.
Michael: I love that you correct me. (goes to kiss her)
Joey (walking down the steps): Oh stop! If you kiss Abby, I’m going to vomit. Oh, hey Abby, I didn’t see you there.
Abby: Hey Joey. I’m surprised you’re not here with some skanky ex you manipulated into sleeping with you.
Joey: Well I’m not cause she left an hour ago.
Abby: I’m going to use your restroom.
Michael: (pointing) It’s to the left.
(Abby walks to the bathroom)
Michael: What are you doing?
Joey: Defending myself!
Michael: I really like Abby. I really like her. And I would appreciate if you would make an effort to be nice to her.
Joey: But Mike..!
Michael: (interrupting) Come on! This is important! I’m going to go over to Alex’s and see if she has any wine. Just talk to her for a minute okay? For me.
Joey: (sighing) Alright.
(Mike leaves. Abby comes back. They stand there looking uncomfortable.)
Joey: Alright look! We both care about Michael alright so, I guess we owe it to him to at least try and have a civilized conversation.
Abby: Fair enough.
Joey: What do you want to talk about?
Abby: Current Events?
Joey: (makes a buzzing noise to mean ‘no’)
Joey: Ah, okay! I wrote a poem once. “There once was a man named ‘Blenis’ ”.
Abby: Oh dear god!!
Joey: Okay, uh, how do you like working on the movie?
Abby: It’s okay, you should try it sometime.
Joey: (mad) What is your problem with me?!
Abby: (mad)Basically, you are everything I hate. You’re lazy, entitled, mindless, and you just think you’re going to slide through life on your good looks and your charm.
Joey: Well, I think you’re an unhappy person whose only goal in life is to make everyone as miserable as her.
Abby: I think you meant to say ‘as miserable as ‘SHE’!
Joey: I think, I THINK, I meant to say ‘GET THE HELL OUT OF MY APARTMENT!’
(Abby storms out. Mike comes back in.)
Michael: Where’s Abby?
Joey: I threw her out.
Joey: I’m sorry, I threw ‘she’ out. (walks upstairs)
[Scene: Joey’s trailer. Zach is making coffee. Joey walks in.]
Zach: Mornin’ buddy!
Joey: Dude, are you living here?
Zach: No, just sleepin here. Havin’ a few meals, bringin’ by the occasional date. It’s not like I’m getting my mail here. Who do I talk to about gettin’ my mail here?
(Mike walks in)
Michael: So, I just talked to Abby. Why have you not apologized to her yet?
Joey: For the last time, I’m not apologizing. She stood in my home and insulted me. It would be like, if I brought home..who’s someone you hate?
Michael: Dorothy Wheelan, the Chairwoman of our Plyaat Mathematics Department.
Joey. Done. I will never date her. She’s not like super hott is she?
Michael: Joey, you don’t get it man. I..I met a girl who I like and she likes me. Like, that may happen to you all the time; it doesn’t happen to me. I don’t you to screw this up.
Joey: I cannot talk to that woman, alright! Now seriously, this Dorothy Wheelan, I can’t get her out of my mind.
(Mikes walks out mad. Sam, the director walks in. )
Joey: Hey Sam! Did I give you what you wanted in that scene yesterday?
Sam: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just came by to make sure if you were comfortable. Are you okay?
Joey: Yeah, it’s complicated. I’m having a problem with the script supervisor. It’s a personality thing.
Sam: Don’t worry about it for one second. You’re one of the star of this movie. I’ll talk them.
Zach: And who do I talk to about getting Cinemax in here?!
[Cut to: Gina is reading. Alex walks in.– Joey’s apartment]
Alex: Okay, I’ve decided what to tell the magazine. (hands Gina a notepad) What do you think?
Gina: (starts reading)(confused) Mercurial relationship between Joey Tribianni and Alex Garret is hard to define. However the French have a phrase… (yelling) what the hell is this?!
Alex: I don’t know. This is impossible. Tell Joey to do it. (storms out)
(Joey and Zach walk in )
Joey: Where’s Michael?
Gina: In his room. Sulking.
Joey: (walking to Michaels room and knocks on the door) Michael! Michael! Come on! How long are you going to be mad at me? Oh! Come out quick! A physics truck just turned over outside! There’s physics everywhere!
Michael: (opening door) I can’t believe you have the nerve to talk to me after getting Abby fired.
Michael: Yeah. She told me the director fired her because the star had a problem with her.
Joey: Oh, I had no idea.
Michael: Yeah , well thanks to you she has no job and no income. What’s she supposed to do now?
Zach: She can move into Joey’s trailer with me if she pays for half the cable.
Michael: And, AND! It gets better. She broke up with me because you hate her. Thanks a lot. ( Storms into room )
Gina: ( Chasing after Michael ) Michael!!
( Phones rings. Zach hands Joey the phone )
Joey: Thanks. ( Answering phone ) Hello?
Bobbie: Joey, what the hell is going on? You sent your stuntman to my office to sign contracts for you.
Joey: What? No, no! I was totally there. You were drunk, screaming profanities and your blouse was on backwards!
Bobbie: Come on, that’s a lucky guess and you know it. Now, that guy is just doing whatever you say because you’re the star and he doesn’t want to lose his job. Is it true that yu made him cross the freeway on a skateboard?
Joey: Sounds familiar.
Bobbie: That’s a lawsuit waiting to happen. You can’t treat an employer like that. If you treat them with kindness and respect, they will repay you with eternal loyalty. (Screaming) Isn’t that right Gina? Gina? Where’d that bitch go?
[Scene: Joey Trailer – Chuck walks in]
Joey: Hey Chuck. Thanks for meeting me.
Chuck: (nervously) Alright. What can I do for you?
Joey: No, nothing. I’m here to apologize. I’ve been abusing my power. I shouldn’t ask you do to things for me just because I’m the star of the movie.
Chuck: Thanks. Thanks, I appreciate that.
Joey (pulling gout a bottle of whiskey ): Oh and uh, I got you a gift.
Chuck: Oh! Hey, that’s nice, but really I can’t. I’ve got to that three story jump tomorrow.
Joey: Come on!
Chuck: No really, I can’t.
Joey: Chuck, the star of the movie buys you a bottle of scotch, maybe you have a drink with me.
Chuck? Alright. (Takes a drink) Aw yeaah! (Laughing) It’s good. I don’t know why I ever quit drinking. (looking at the bottle) 15 looooong years. I’ve missed you. ( Drinks from the bottle )
Joey: Oh, um..oh. Oh!
[Cuts to: Joey and Zach yelling at Chuck whose on top of a building]
Joey: Come on Chuck! You gotta come down!
Chuck: This will be the highest jump I’ve ever done! And this will show my ex wiefe that I’m not a loser!
Joey ( to Zach ): He’s really gonna jump!
Zach: We’ve gotta do something!
Joey: I’m worried. I pray to god he lands on his head.
Joey: (scared) Did you just hear a ga-gush?
[Scene: Abby’s house. Joey knocks on the door]
Abby: Joey, what are you doing here?
Joey: Sorry it’s so late. I had to take a friend to the emergency room but he’s going to be okay.
Abby: That’s like the best story I’ve ever heard.
Joey: Look, can I come in?
Abby: Fine ( lets him in)
Joey: (pointing to the wall): Hey! Jackie Chan! I knew we had to have something in common! (camera switches to the wall and it’s a picture of a Buddha.) (makes Karate noises and gestures. ) ( turns back to Abby ) Look, I just wanted you to know I talked to the director and got you your job back. I never meant for you to get fired. I’m sorry.
Abby: Oh, okay, thank you. Do you wanna have a seat?
Joey: Yeah, okay. ( they sit on the couch ) So, uh, are we okay? I mean, you’re back at work; you can start dating Michael again.
Abby: Oh, I don’t think so. I could never date a guy who lives with someone who hates me.
Joey: I don’t hate you.
Abby: Then why do we clash so much at work? Why do we argue all the time? Why did you freak out when I went on a date with Michael? ( Joey doesn’t know what to say ) (Abby realizes something ) It’s because you have feelings for me isn’t it?
Joey: It’s because what now?
Abby: That’s why you mess up your lines! To give me a reason to talk to you.
Joey: (stands up quickly )Woah, woah, woah. No.
Abby: Okay look, if you have feelings for me, we can work it now. But if you just hate, then forget it.
Joey: Uh, alright. Okay, if I admit that I have feelings for you, you’ll go out with Michael again?
Abby: I don’t see why not.
Joey: And that’s the only explanation that makes any sense to you?
Joey (slowly sits back down) Abby, I want to get with you.
Abby: I knew it. Okay, look, I don’t want to be getting you all hot and bothered at work. So maybe you should tell me what you find so attractive about me and I’ll try to tone it down a little.
Joey: Oh, well..I mean..wow.
Abby: (smugly) I know.
Joey: Well, you have so opinions and that..is..hot! And, you smell (smells her) like wet wood.
Abby: It will never happen.
Joey: (fakes disappointment) Awww!
[ Scene: Joey’s trailer. Chuck walks in ]
Joey: Hey, you’re back at work! Aw man, I’m so glad you’re okay! (shakes his hand ) You can put hand down now.
Chuck: No, I can’t. It’s in a cast. (knocks on cast) I broke my arm. Joey, you have me alcohol. I can’t do the stunt now. And when they found out, I’m going to lose my job and my health insurance.
Joey: Oh okay. Uh. Okay, maybe you don’t have to do the stunt.
[ Cut to: Movie scene. Joey runs out of a building that’s on fire. ]
Joey: (into a walkie talkie) I need to get out of here. This place is about to blow!
Director: Still rolling! Bring in the stunt man!
Joey: (takes off mask) Okay, I’m swamping out with Chuck now. (goes through a door; Chuck is there and he’s helping Joey put the mask back on.) (yells) And huh, here he comes. (walks back out; two men are there waiting for him) How you doin? I’m Chuck.
Guy: Hey how you doin? ( starts brushing flammable gel on him )
Joey: What’s all this stuff?
Guy: Come on Chuck, you know what this is. We can’t light you on fire without flammable gel. ( lights him on fire )
( Joey is scared and runs around the set screaming. Falls off the building )
Joey: I did it! I’m alive!
Director: Alright keep rolling! Now the mob rushes in and beats the crap out of him! (Mob runs in and hits him) Hit him harder! It’s Chuck; he can take it! ( Mob continues to beat him )
[End Scene: Alex is reading; Joey walks in]
Joey: Hey Alex, I got a copy of US Magazine with our picture in it. Check it out?
Alex: Oh yeah, Gina never told me what you told them. So, what did you say that we were. Probably ‘just friends’ or something.
Joey: No. You don’t want your picture in a magazine to say ‘Joey and friend’. I had them refer to you as ‘unknown sexy companion’.
Alex: Oh okay, I like that! Where’s the picture?
Joey: (opening picture) Oh no! This isn’t the right picture! What did they take this one the set? Ugh!
Alex: (looks at picture) Is that you and Michael’s girlfriend?
(Abby and Michael come in)
Abby: Joey I may be sexy but I’ll never be your companion!
Michael (hands Joey a piece of paper ) Dorothy Wheelan’s phone number.
Transcribed by Shelbs for Joey Café.