[Scene: Joey is driving in the car and is on his headset talking to Bobbie]
Joey: Hey Bobbie, I just finished reading the script.
Bobbie: Thank god, oh I told them you could read but I wasn’t sure.
Joey: I had no idea how big my part was, I’m the hero! In the final scene I shoot down a helicopter in a tunnel. It’s crazy; this movie has like an 80million dollar budget. The last movie I was on, they made me bring my own toilet paper.
Bobbie: Yeah well I got your first cheque today and it’s more money than you ever made so you got to be careful with it.
Joey: Oh you’re telling me; a couple of days I was close to having nothing. I am going to invest responsibly. I’m not about to… (he looks at something at the side of the road) …they sell those?!
[Scene cuts to Joey leaving a store in a big lorry]
Joey: Hey sorry about that Bobbie, I had to eh…(he sees something else) …custom fish tanks!?
[Scene: The set. Joey is entering]
[Woman walks up to Joey]
Woman: Hi Joey, I’m Chris, the assistant director. Welcome to the first day of shooting. Your trailer is almost ready. Per your request we have “pimped” it out in order to attract “hot tail”.
Joey: When I left that message I was not aware that you were a woman.
Chris: Not a problem, They’re putting in a plasma TV, your personal masseuse will be here at 3, we’ve got a Denver omelete on the way for you for breakfast.
Joey: That’s my favorite breakfast, how did you know?
Chris: We called the head, spoke to your management. We know all your favourite things.
Joey: Does the personal masseuse know all my favourite things too?
Chris: He does not. [She leaves]
[Zach walks up to him with a plate in his hand]
Zach: Denver omelete Mr. Tribianni.
Joey: Zach? What the hell are you doing here?
Zach: I said I was friends with the star and they gave me a job. I’m working in crafts services, hey look, I’m starting off small but who knows where this may lead.
Joey: You ate half of this.
Zach: Yeah, this is your favourite but this tastes horrible!
[An older looking man walks onto the set and up to Joey]
Man: Joey Tribbiani? [Shakes his hand] Benjamin Lockwood.
Joey: Wow, I know you. I saw you do Shakespeare on Broadway when I was a kid.
Benjamin: Oh, 12th night?
Joey: Well I don’t remember the date, no. So, you’re in this? Your movies get all these great reviews and awards. I am in a movie worthy of Benjamin Lockwood.
Benjamin: No, you’re in a movie that will allow Benjamin Lockwood to pay off his gambling debts and get his Oscar out of a Pun shop in Recito.
Joey: So what part are you playing?
Benjamin: Em, Agent Wilson.
Joey: Wow, that’s a great part for you.
Benjamin: Wow… hoo… groundbreaking. Yes. The FBI pulls me in for one more assignment and I get to say no less than 7 times. “I’m getting too old for this crap”
Joey: Wow, I think someone’s gonna have another Oscar to pawn pretty soon.
Chris: Ok, we’re gonna start the table read. Kenny’s just showing up now.
Joey: Kenny plays the kid that Benjamin and I protect in the movie.
Zach: Yeah, well bad form showing up late on the first day.
Joey: Yeah. [Walks over to Kenny] Hey little guy, I’m Joey and I’m, well I’m the star of this movie. Now you were a little late today and you know what happens to boys who are late don’t cha? [Joey “takes” Kenny’s nose] They get their noses taken away so…
Kenny: Oh no you did not just touch me!
Joey: Ok Kenny, let’s watch the attitude alright? [Joey sits at the head of the table] Now the star sets the tone on the…
Kenny: Hey get out of my chair chump.
Joey: Ok actually this is my chair. [To Chris] Can you believe this kid?
Chris: Kenny wants the chair, get out of the chair.
Joey: But I’m the star…
Kenny: No I’m the star here, my last movie “The little Miss President” just opened at 40million dollars so GET OUT OF MY CHAIR.
[Joey looks at Chris]
Chris: For the love of god, get out of his chair.
[Everyone sits down]
Kenny: (To Joey) Give me my nose back!
[Scene: Joey and Michael’s apartment. Gina, Joey and Zach are talking]
Joey: Yeah, not only that but he took my parking spot and he cut in front of me in the food line.
Zach: And he called you a Doody head in front of everyone!
Joey: See what I’m dealing with? First of all,it’s totally unprofessional and second of all, it’s not true.
[Alex comes in]
Alex: Hey Gina? [She sees Joey] Oh hi Joey.
Joey: Oh hey Alex, I haven’t seen you since our night on the roof-top.
Alex: Oh yeah well I’m not avoiding you because you like were so romantic I couldn’t handle it, get over yourself !
Zach: So that’s your pretend date on the roof-top eh?
Alex: Oh you’re telling people? Oh that’s fun, I told my therapist. We were laughing so hard about it he had to cancel his next appointment because I wouldn’t leave his office!
Gina: Ok guys, can you give me and Alex a second?
Joey: Yeah sure I need to show Zach my truck. He know’s a tailor who can make me a leather suit in the exact same colour.
Zach: Well I’m just saying, the Oscars are coming up and you don’t wanna look like a jackass.
Gina: (To Alex) So hey, what was that between you and Joey?
Alex: Something weird happened with us the other night. We were having this fake romantic thing and it took a turn and got real for me and… I kinda have feelings for him.
Gina: Oh no Alex you are not falling for Joey.
Alex: I know it’s a bad idea and he’s totally not my type!
Gina: You’re not his type!
Alex: What’s his type?
Gina: Women he hasn’t slept with yet!
Alex: Uhh… I mean Joey? What am I supposed to do?
Gina: Well the easiest way to forget about a guy is to find another one. I know lots of guys. [Pulls out a rather large ‘Black Book’] What’s your type?
Alex: Well I like someone who is smart.
Gina: (Closing the book) Never mind.
[Michael and Howard come in]
Michael: Hey guys! What are you up to?
Gina: Oh we are just trying to find someone to set Alex up with.
Michael: Oh really? What kind of guy do you like?
Alex: Well I’d say someone around my age, blond hair, blue eyes, creative ,smart.
Michael: I feel like a now someone who’d be perfect. Live in the building, was in an orchestra.
Alex: That’s my ex-husband!
Michael: So no?
Howard: If you are willing to bend on the blond thing I would eh… I’d throw my hat in the ring. I may be a simple man but I know what love is.
[Scene: The set. Joey is standing at a buffet table getting a drink]
Joey: Oh hey, Mr. Lockwood. Ready to go?
Benjamin: Oh I’m ready to work but our star Kenny is in his trailer with his management debating whether or not to make No.1 before coming to the set.
Joey: I am getting sick of waiting around for this kid.
Benjamin: You’re telling me. I am a serious actor, this little punk thinks that he can…oh there he is! [points to Kenny who has finally appeared on set] Our star, Prince Kenny, the Big K. [Does a little handshake with Kenny] Listen, I was just listening to your rap album. Marvelous. Parents do be illin.
Kenny: That’s very nice Lockman.
Benjamin: It’s Lockwood but actually even here if you get the Lock part right it’s a thrill I won’t soon forget.
Kenny: Give me a piggy back ride.
Benjamin: Hop aboard my prince!
Kenny: Giddy up!
[Benjamin makes horse noises and leaves the set]
Joey: (To Zach) What the hell was that?
Zach: That’s someone who has been in this business a long time doing what it takes to get ahead. You got to do it like him. You have to cosy up to the star! No matter what level you’re on.
Joey: No, no. I’m not getting sucked into the politics ok? I’m about the work and we’re about to do the big hero scene and at the end of the day that’s who people will remember.
Zach: Yeah! Be your own man. Now if you excuse me, I have to buy a shirt identical to Kenny’s so I can start a conversation with him.
[Benjamin and Kenny come back in]
Kenny: That was fun for you, so give me $5.
[Benjamin gives him the money]
Benjamin: Oh! What a bargain.
Director: All right everybody, Joey’s here. So let’s run the scene were Baxter, Wilson and Ron get chased by the helicopter through the tunnel.
Co-Director: The three of you have just run into the tunnel…
[Benjamin and Joey both carry Kenny “Out to safety”]
Kenny: I can’t believe we made it out of there alive!
Benjamin: I’m getting to old for this crap!
Kenny: Wait a minute, what’s that sound?
Benjamin: It’s the damn chopper!
Joey: Now I’m pissed, let a patchy helicopter mess with the wrong cowboy…
Director: and CUT!
Joey: How was that? How was that look of determination, movie poster right?
Director: Absolutely! I loved it.
Kenny: You know what? I was talking to Lockwood before and I don’t think Joey should be the hero. I think Lockwood should be the hero.
Director: Great idea!
Co-Director: New pages! Lockwood’s the hero
Benjamin: Oh wait, excuse me. I’m sorry. Policemen, Fireman, our men in uniforms. Those are the real hero’s . Ah what the hell, I’ll give it a whirl!
Joey: (To Director) Ok, hold on. He can’t be the hero. It’s in the script!
Director: Look, the studio wants to keep the kid happy. He get’s whatever he wants.
Joey: (To Benjamin) Hey, What’s going on? You said you didn’t even care about this movie. Why would you try to steal my stuff?
Benjamin: I get paid by the day, the more lines I have the more days I work the sooner I can get my oscar outta hock. And my toni and my Latin grammy! I am huge in Argentina.
Joey: I don’t care what you want the money for just stop messing with me!
Benjamin: Listen! You’re in way over your head buddy!
Joey: Don’t quote shakesphere to me!
[Scene: Alex’s office. The phone is ringing]
Alex: Hello, Alex Garret.
[Gina is on the other line]
Gina: I think I may have found you a guy to help you get over Joey! Yeah, is height important to you?
Alex: I don’t know, how tall is he?
Gina: Um… about 4 foot…
Alex: You need to keep looking!
Gina: But you have such a narrow taste. Where am I gonna find guys that have such a specific type?
Gina: Please hold
Bobbie: They’re doing a history of Motown movie so pull the headshots of all the black women that we represent between the ages of 50 and 60 who have singing experience.
Gina: Wait, can I do that with all the blonde hair, blue eyed guys in their twenty’s and thirties that went to college?
Bobbie: Hmm… A blonde man as Aretha Franklin. I like it!
[Scene: Joey and Michael’s apartment. Joey and Zach are there]
Joey: You’re not going to believe this. That kid took away my scene! I’m not the hero in the movie anymore!
Gina: Aw that’s too bad Joey. Even if you are not a hero in the movie you will always be a hero to me and Mich…[starts to laugh] Oh I’m sorry, I thought I could get through it.
Joey: I don’t believe this, I’m losing lines. Lockwood’s sabotaging me, I’m in big trouble!
Michael: It’s just like when I was in the science fair in Junior High, this other kid totally like bought gifts for the judges and vandalized my entry.
Joey: Oh yeah? Well what did you do?
Michael: I confronted her and then she beat the crap out of me.
Joey: You know what? Zach was right. I’ve got to suck up to the star, that’s the only chance I have of getting my scene back. I’m going to compliment him and I’m gonna laugh at everything he says.
Gina: Joey, he’s a little kid, sounds to me that he doesn’t need his butt kicked. He needs someone to give him a good spanking.
Joey: Gina, I’m not going to spank the kid.
Gina: Why not? Mom used to spank us all the time, we turned out great!
Michael: Oh really? Who’s my dad?
Gina: I’m working on it!
[Scene: Gina’s office. Alex enters]
Alex: Hey, alright so where is this guy you want me to meet?
Gina: Actually it’s a whole group of guys. I found a bunch of actors who fit your type so I set up an audition for a fake movie. I even wrote a script! [She hands Alex the script]
Alex: (Reading the title) “Alex’s song, the sexual awakening of a middle-aged divorcée” This is crazy! What kind of actors are going to show up for this?
Gina: Are you kidding me? Actors will audition for anything! I had to turn down Kevin Bacon.
Alex: Why, I love Kevin Bacon!
Gina: No. He wanted to direct and this film’s my vision.
Bobbie: Oh, Kevin Bacon. Aw I love this game, lets see how many steps it takes to connect him to me. We did it on a boat. One! [She leaves]
Gina: Well, let’s go check these guys out!
Alex: I’m a little nervous about this.
Gina: You’re gonna do great!
[Alex opens the door to find a lot of guys, she closes the door quickly again]
Alex: Oh my god, there’s so many of them! How do I know who to pick? I don’t know anything about them, they could be married or gay!
Gina: Ok, relax. I will help you.
[Gina and Alex enter the room]
Gina: Ok everybody listen up. You guys have been very patient and we appreciate it. Now I don’t want to offend anyone but will all the gays get up against the wall.
Guy No.1: I had an experience in College.
[Cut to the set, Chris (producer) is scrubbing the floor. Joey enters]
Joey: Hey, what happened here?
Chris: Kenny threw a tantrum because the macaroni and cheese wasn’t cheesy enough.
Joey: I do not approve of what he did but he’s not wrong.
Chris: Someone should put that kid in his place.
[Benjamin and Kenny are laughing]
Joey: (To self) Man look at Lockwood over there sucking up. I have got to get in on that
Benjamin: You’re telling me that your dog vomited, ate his vomit and vomited again?
[Kenny laughs loudly]
Kenny: Yeah, it’s my favorite story.
Benjamin: And now it’s mine too.
[Joey walks over to them]
Kenny: But then Fluffy got cancer and two months later we had to put him to sleep.
[Joey shrieks loudly]
Kenny: Hey! You think it’s funny my dog died?
[Joey is speechless so he continues to laugh]
Joey: Oh don’t look at me that way, we’re buddies!
Kenny: Are you kissing my butt?
Joey: Yes! Can I have my scene back please?
Kenny: No, because I don’t like you and I don’t think you should land the plane either.
Co-Director: New pages, Lockwood’s landing the plane.
Joey: No! I love that scene!
Lockwood: Well then, treat it right. Let it be played by a real actor.
Joey: You know what I’m going to do? I’m gonna go to that polish shop, buy your oscar and I’m going to cut it in half! [To Kenny] Come on, you can’t just take away my scene!
Kenny: I can do whatever I want. [points to cameraman] You! Turn in your walkie, you’re fired!
Joey: No! This isn’t right, ok listen. The only reason you are acting like this is because no one told you you can’t.
Kenny: You know what else no one told me I couldn’t do?
Kenny: Throw these pretzels at your big old head. [Starts throwing pretzels]
Joey: Don’t do that!
[Kenny continues to throw them]
Joey: I’m not kidding.
[He still continues]
Joey: Ok, that’s it. My sister was right. [He puts Kenny lying on his knees] You need discipline.
Kenny: Cut it out!
[Joey keeps hitting him]
Joey: I’m not landing the plane am I?
[Cut to the audition room where Gina and Alex are finding the perfect guy for Alex]
Gina: Ok let’s review. If you are against the wall you are either gay, married, wear tank tops
Alex: Oh I got one! Wasssa…
Guy No.2: Wassap?
Gina: Now you’re down to your last two, who’s it going to be?
Alex: I don’t know. I’m not sure what else to ask them.
Bobbie: Gina, I’ve been looking all over for you… I gotta say, I was skeptical but we have got a lot of good Aretha Franklin’s!
Gina: Actually Bobbie, my friend Alex was desperate to meet a guy so I called in a bunch of clients and set up a fake audition.
Bobbie: Well for what it’s worth, I slept with the one in the red shirt.
Alex: Red shirt, wall! Actually just leave the room.
Bobbie: Curls are so soft… [She leaves]
Gina: (To Alex) Well we have our winner! Go ask him out.
Alex: No, no I told you. I’m bad at that part. Can’t you do it for me?
Gina: No Alex, this is as far as I’ll go for you. If you are going to get over Joey, you are going to have to step it up.
Alex: Alright, wish me luck. [She turns to the “winner”] Hi, listen, I have a confession to make. This isn’t a real audition; Alex’s song isn’t a real movie. My friend set this up so that I could find a date and I’d like to offer you the part!
Winner: This is kind of weird but you seem nice. I’d go out with you.
Winner: You know, I knew something was up when I read the pages of the script. [Reads] Should we go inside and do it Alex? I don’t know, I’m blonde and weird. Doesn’t mean you can’t do it. You’re right, let’s do it”
Gina: Hey, just because you can’t pull it off don’t knock the writing ok?
[Scene: The set, Joey is walking down a hallway]
Joey: Hey Lisa. [She ignores him] Hey Paul [He also ignores him]
Benjamin: Joey, very good career move back there. Spanking the star. Listen I think the director’s mother is coming to the set, maybe you should punch her in the face.
Joey: Very funny, very funny. At least I didn’t suck up to that kid. I may lose my job but I still have my dignity and I’ll work again.
Benjamin: Aw that’s the spirit. I’m sure our paths will cross. You know what I’ll tell you now what I’ll tell you then. I like all the dipping sauces with my nuggets.
[Joey goes out on to the set]
[Kenny is talking to Chris]
Joey: Ok, I think we should talk. I don’t blame you if you’re upset, I just think we should clear the air.
[Kenny walks right up to Joey]
Joey: Is he mad? I can’t see his face from here.
[Kenny gives Joey a hug]
Kenny: Thanks, I was out of line. You busted me on it. I was pretty bad.
Joey: Hey, no problem!
[Benjamin walks in wearing the exact same coat as Kenny]
Benjamin: Hey Kenny eh? I see smiles, why are there smiles?
Joey: Turns out the kid respected me for disciplining him.
Kenny: You know what? You’re a brave guy and it would make more sense if you land the plane.
Co-Director: New pages, Joey’s landing the plane.
Kenny: You should be the hero too.
Co-Director: New pages, Joey’s the…
Benjamin: (Yells) They know!
Joey: Thanks Kenny! You’re alright.
Kenny: You too Joe [He leaves]
Benjamin: Tribianni, I underestimated you. I didn’t think you were savvy enough to play the game, now it seems that you’ve taken the game to a whole new level.
Joey: That’s right Lockwood. It seems the student has become the pupil.
Benjamin: Maybe I’ll be Ok. [He leaves]
[Scene: Outside Joey and Michael’s house, Gina is sitting outside. Alex comes out]
Gina: Hey Sexy, How was your date?
Alex: Aw, it was so great. Thank you for finding this guy! He is so sweet and funny and I didn’t think about Joey once!
Gina: Aw, I’m so happy for you!
Alex: Thank you.
Gina: See I knew this would work. Now I’m working on the audition scene’s for mine!
Alex: Oh! [Reads the title] That’s disgusting!
Gina: Oh good. I didn’t think it was clear.
[Joey comes out]
Joey: Hey Gina, you want to… [Sees Alex] Hey, look at you Alex. Were you on a date?
Alex: Um, yeah actually!
Joey: Wow! Lucky guy. You look beautiful.
Alex: Oh really? Jeez Joey that is so sweet.
Alex: Stay out of it!
Joey: Hey, you want to go grab dinner?
Gina: Oh no, now’s not a good time.
Alex: Oh, I’ll come! I’m starving!
Gina: (points to food wrapped in tin foil) Oh didn’t you just eat?
Alex: No this is my swan purse.
Joey: Alright, well lets go.
Steve: Alex, the wine’s open. You coming back in?
Alex: Oh yeah, hey Steve! Come on! [They both leave]
Joey: Is she ok? Did she talk to you about anything?
Joey: I think she had meat in her purse!
[Scene: Outside the set. Joey catches Kenny before he leaves]
Joey: Hey Kenny! Wait up. Listen I just want to say thanks for being so cool and I got you a little gift. [He pulls out his keys]
Kenny: Your keys? You’re giving me your truck?
[He gets into the truck]
Joey: No, no! I was just going to give you this! [Pulls out a penknife]
[Kenny starts up the truck and leaves and Benjamin appears]
Benjamin: That’s priceless! He doesn’t see my car. Porsche on your left. Porsche on your left!
Transcribed by Kayla for Joey Café.