[Scene: Joey and Michael's. Joey is there as Gina enters]
Gina: Hey. Where's Michael. He up yet?
Joey: No. He got home really late last night. That's like, the third time this week. I think he might have a girlfriend.
Gina: (she laughs and then looks at Joey) I'm not a good mother.
Joey: Well, look. I'm serious. It's not impossible. He's seen the way I am around women. He can't help but have picked up on some of it.
Gina: Well, I guess it's possible. You never know with Michael. He's really good at keeping his emotions to himself.
(Michael enters from hallway)
Michael: (singing) I am the man who will fight for your honor.
Joey: Correct me if I'm wrong, but that is Peter Cetera, the voice of modern love.
Michael: (using an bottle of orange juice as a microphone) Like a knight in shining armor from a long time ago.
Joey: Michael, Michael! What's uh, what's going on with you?
Michael: Okay, I met someone.
Gina: He met someone!
Michael: And it's a woman.
Joey: It's a woman!
Gina: He met a woman! (She and Joey hug)
Joey: All right. Okay. Alright.
Michael: I'm sorry I didn't tell you guys, but it's early, y'know? We’ve only gone out with her a couple of times.
Gina: So when can I meet her?
Michael: No, I don't want to overwhelm her, Mom.
Gina: I won't overwhelm me, she'll love me! I'm a cool mom, I even got a tattoo on my ass that says so. When can I meet her?
Michael: Maybe we can schedule that little meeting when hell freezes over.
Joey: Dude, you have a girlfriend. It already did.
[Scene: The patio. Gina is there as Joey enters]
Joey: How come you're not laying out by the Jacuzzi?
Gina: Oh, there's this creepy teenager who's always staring at me out there. But he's not around today, so what's the point?
Joey: Have uh, have you seen Alex?
Gina: Yeah, for, like, a second. She seemed really busy.
Joey: Yeah. I think that's how she's handling the divorce. Keeping herself distracted with all these projects. Cleaning the garage, scrubbing the hot tub.
Gina: The other day she offered to make me a pair of boots.
Joey: Oh, say yes. They smell weird, but man, are they comfortable
Gina: Well, I think it's great she's keeping busy. After my divorce, I was so depressed, it was all I could do to finish eleventh grade.
(Alex enters from her apartment carrying a bag)Alex: Hey, guys.
Gina: Hi. What's wrong?
Alex: Ran out of projects.
Gina: Hey, you still haven't made me those boots.
Alex: I didn't know if you were a seven or an eight so I made both. (she takes two pairs of shoes out of the bag and hands them to Gina)
Joey: Ooh, man, that batch smells even worse. Uh, Alex, are you okay?
Alex: Yeah, I just think this divorce thing is finally getting to me. It just feels like I'll never be happy again.
Gina: Yes you will. We'll help you.
Joey: Yeah. Yeah, hey, I'll take you to this comedy club I went to last week. This guy was talking about how when white people make toast, they're all, "Butter, butter, butter, butter, butter, butter!"
Alex: I don't get it.
Joey: I didn't get it either, but everyone else at the club was laughing, so I figured, "What the hell?" (he walks away) Butter, butter.
[Scene: Joey's bedroom. Joey and Sara are sitting on Joey's bed]
Joey: Now you get off Powder Mountain and you never come back.
Sara: Joey, you're talking to a wolf. I don't know what you want me to do.
Joey: Uh, growl?
Sara: Okay. Grr.
Joey: Come on, give me something.
Joey: Hey, whoa! The scene's not all about you.
Sara: (she takes out a card) So I, I got you a little something, you know, for today.
Joey: Huh? What's today?
Sara: Oh it's no big deal. It's just sort of our one month anniversary.
Joey: I know. Happy anniversary. (he pulls out a card)
Sara: Oh! (they exchange cards)
Joey: Oh, my God! You got the card with the baby in the sunglasses too?
Sara: Yeah, from the liquor store down on the corner?
Joey: Uh huh, yeah. It was either this or that weird Garfield condolence card.
Sara: I know! I love this. We both cared enough to remember the day, but we're both too lazy to buy a thoughtful present.
Joey: (reading card) "To the sweetest guy I know. You're so special to me, and I'm so happy I have you in my life." Aww...
Sara: (reading card) "You're hot."
Joey: I mean that. (he and Sara kiss)
Sara: I gotta get to work.
Joey: Oh, what you doing today?
Sara: Some more head shots.
Joey: Oh, I'm sorry. I know you hate doing those.
Sara: It's just the only work I've been getting since I've moved here, you know? Except for this Spanish-language milk ad, which is the most pornographic work I've ever done. (she hands Joey the ad)
Joey: Wow, she really likes milk.
Sara: It's so frustrating.
Joey: I'll tell you what. If you're this unhappy, maybe I can talk to my agent and see if we can find you some better work.
Sara: Really? You'd do that?
Joey: Hey, you're my girl. (he and Sara kiss)
Sara: Thank you. That'd be great. By the way, I think you're hot, too.
Joey: Could have said it in the card, that's all I'm saying.
[Scene: Joey and Michael's. Joey is there as Gina enters]
Gina: Did Alex's boots stain your feet black?
Joey: Yeah, it's awesome. I don't have to wear dress socks anymore.
(Michael enters from hallway)
Michael: (on the phone) Okay, sweetie, I'll call you later. Okay, you hang up first though. No, you do it. No, you. Okay, on three. One, two, three. (he's silent) I didn't hang up either! (laughs) Hello? (he puts down phone and walks into the living room) Um, Mom, would it be okay if we celebrated Mother's Day at dinner instead of brunch?
Michael: Just 'cause uh, Lorraine invited me over for brunch with her family.
Gina: Why can't we all go to lunch together?
Michael: I don't know.
Joey: Actually, Michael, that might not be a bad idea. Introduce her to your mom now, while she still thinks everything you do is cute. Yeah, you do it later, it could be a real deal-breaker.
Gina: So true (she points to herself) Loose cannon.
Michael: Okay, fine, you're going to have to meet her eventually. Just promise me you'll be nice, polite and respectful.
Gina: How about I promise not to use the "F" word?
Joey: That's a good deal. I would take that deal.
[Scene: Bobbie's office. Joey enters]
Bobbie: Joey. Aw, it's good to see you. I'm one day into my new life sobriety. And it feels great.
Joey: Hey, I need a favor.
Bobbie: Oh, the pressure! Oh! (takes our a flask and drinks)
Joey: Okay, listen, my girlfriend is an amazing photographer, and she's looking for more interesting work, and I thought maybe you'd know someone.
Bobbie: Oh, sure. My brother works at Newsweek. I'm sure he could fix her up with a job like that. (she snaps her fingers)
Joey: Okay. Bobbie, if you don't want to help me, fine, all right? But you don't have to be sarcastic.
Bobbie: I'm wasn't being sarcastic. This is how I talk. My brother works at Newsweek. I'll give him a call.
Joey: Okay, well, that'd be great. I mean, I really, really like this girl. We're having an amazing time together.
Bobbie: That's sounds great. The most important thing to me is that your personal life is going well.
Joey: Oh, thank you.
Bobbie: That time I was being sarcastic.
[Scene: Patio. Alex is there as Howard enters]
Howard: Hey, Alex. I heard about the divorce. I'm really sorry.
Alex: Oh. Thanks, Howard.
Howard: So, I was thinking since we're both single, maybe you and I could...
Alex: Oh God, is this my future?
Howard: That's not a "no"! Okay!
(Howard leaves as Gina steps outside of Joey and Michael's apartment)
Gina: Alex, come in here.
(Alex enters Joey and Michael's apartment)
Gina: I have got a tape that guaranteed to cheer you up.
Alex: Oh, what is it?
Gina: It's an after-school special starring Joey Tribbiani as a Russian exchange student having a hard time fitting in.
(Gina plays the tape)
Joey: (with a Russian accent on tape) Melissa, will you go to Prom with me?
Melissa: Sorry, Boris, but you just don't fit in.
(Gina laughs. Alex does not look enthused)
Gina: Wait, wait. It gets better. This is where his accent turns to French.
Joey: (with a French accent) Why are you so rude to me?
(Gina laughs hysterically while Alex shrugs)
Gina: Oh, come on.
Alex: I'm sorry. Maybe I'm a lost cause.
Gina: No, you're not. Okay, look, I have to go to brunch with Michael's girlfriend. When I get back, I promise I will find something to snap you out of this.
Alex: Michael's got a girlfriend?
Gina: Yeah. I'm meeting her for the first time.
Alex: He's starting a relationship? (crying) I'm going to die alone!
Gina: Hey, Howard likes you!
[Scene: Lorraine's doorstep. Michael and Gina are there. Michael knocks on the door]
Gina: I'm so excited to meet Lorraine. She is real, right? We're not at some random person's house?
Michael: Yes, she's real.
(An attractive young woman opens the door)
Woman: Hey Michael.
Woman: Come on in.
Gina: It's so nice to meet you, Lorraine. (she shakes her hand)
Woman: Oh, no, I'm not Lorraine. I'm Tanya.
Gina: Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know Lorraine had a sister.
Michael: No, no, no, Mom. Tanya's Lorraine's daughter.
(Gina has a shocked look on her face. An older woman enters the room)
Older woman: Hey, you.
Michael: Hi. (they kiss)
Older woman: Oh, hello. You must be Gina.
Gina: You must be kidding.
[Scene: Sara's apartment. Joey enters with a pizza]
Joey: Well, hello there, gorgeous.
Sara: Hi. I went to that Newsweek interview that your agent set me up with. Thank you so much.
Joey: Hey, come on. You're Joey Tribbiani's girlfriend. There are some perks. I can also get you Clipper tickets if you want, if you give me a couple months notice and don't care what team they're playing.
Sara: Joey, they offered me a job.
Joey: Oh, my God! That's so awesome. Hey, all right. (he hugs her and kisses her on the cheek) Might I suggest we celebrate with a game of hide and go seek? A hint: I will be on the bed and I will be naked. Good luck. (stands up)
Sara: Wait. (she pulls him back) The job's in Washington D.C. They want me to move in a week.
Joey: But, Sara...You're hot.
[Scene: Continued from Sara's apartment]
Joey: Washington D.C.? I can't believe this is happening now. We've been having such a good time.
Sara: I know, the timing's terrible. But it's just a huge opportunity. I mean, it'd be like if you got a change to work with...Who's your favorite actor?
Joey: Sir Anthony Hopkins. (Sara glares at him) The Rock. Wow.
Sara: Yeah. Things might be different if we were further along in our relationship but we don't know where this is going. Do we? Do you?
Joey: No, I don't. Look, I don't want to be the guy who stands in the way of your career.
Sara: So what are we going to do?
Joey: I guess you should take this job.
Sara: What do we do until I leave? I mean, the more time we spend together, the sadder it's going to get.
Joey: We could have a long drawn-out good-bye. Or we could do the smart thing and end it now. (He and Sara kiss)
Joey: Long drawn-out good-bye it is. (they fall onto the couch)
[Scene: Lorraine's house. Michael and Lorraine are sitting next to each other as Gina and Tanya look at them]
Tanya: I'm going to go get started on brunch. (stands up) Can I get you a coffee?
Gina: Yes, some vodka would be great.
Lorraine: You know, I love your purse. It's very hip. I could never pull something off like that. It's too young for me.
Gina: Worried about the purse, are you, Lorraine?
Gina: I'm sorry. So, how did you two meet?
Lorraine: Well, I manage the bookstore at Cal Tech and I noticed Michael coming around a lot, even on Saturday nights. So I started to suspect that he was coming for something other than books. I was wrong.
Michael: But, a connection was made and here we are.
Lorraine: We have so much in common. I'm so very happy to have found Michael.
Gina: And I'm very happy for you. After all, all the best men of your generation were lost to war.
Michael: Okay. Uh, Mom.
Lorraine: No, Michael, it's all right, really. Gina, I know why my age might make you a feel uncomfortable, but Michael and I have a really nice time together. We go to museums and, we take nature walks.
Michael: We watch Cagney and Lacey reruns together.
Gina: How's that vodka coming, Tanya?
[Scene: Joey and Michael's apartment. Joey is on the phone]
Joey: Bobbie, you got my girlfriend a job in Washington D.C.? I can't believe you. What were you thinking?
[Cut to Bobbie in her office]
Bobbie: That's what you wanted. To get rid of her.
[Cut to Joey and Michael's apartment]
Joey: No! I don't want her to move. I really like her. I told you that.
[Cut to Bobbie]
Bobbie: I got o be honest. I probably only listen to half the things you say to me. Then I just say stuff to keep the conversation moving.
[Cut to Joey]
Joey: What? Are you serious?
[Cut to Bobbie]
Bobbie: That sounds great. Let's do it. (takes off headset)
[Joey and Michael's apartment. Joey hangs up the phone as Michael and Gina enter]
Michael: I can't believe you were so rude to Lorraine.
Gina: I thought I was very respectful.
Michael: You asked her if she was in the movie Cocoon.
Gina: You look me in the eye and tell me she doesn't look like Jessica Tandy.
Michael: She's 45, Mom! God.
Joey: She's old! That's what's wrong with her. Boy, I didn't see that one coming. You know, I slept with a woman twice my age once. She was one of my teachers. I got an "A" in that class. That's how they caught her.
Michael: I'm not sleeping with her. Besides, what does it matter how old Lorraine is? I like her.
Gina: What's the matter with women your own age?
Michael: They're so immature. They don't know what they want. They're always playing these games. You know, with Lorraine, I get to skip all that. She knows who she is, she doesn't have time for any of that nonsense.
Joey: That's because she's going to die soon.
[Scene: Joey's room. Joey is there as Gina and Alex enter]
Gina: Hey, Joey. I'm looking for something to cheer Alex up. Do you still have that singing plastic fish?
Joey: That was supposed to sing? It scared the hell out of me. I smashed it with a hammer.
Alex: I was really counting on that fish.
Gina: Oh, don't worry. Just go downstairs and check your e-mail. I sent you a video of a cat going to town on this dude's crotch.
Alex: Okay. (exits)
Gina: Hey, you okay? You've been up here all day.
Joey: Just bummed about Sara. I can't believe I'm losing her to a stupid magazine.
Gina: Joey, why don't you just ask Sara to stay?
Joey: I can't do that. We're not far enough into this thing.
Gina: Well, why don't you move the relationship forward?
Joey: Like how? Ask her to move in or something?
Gina: No, not that. That's too big. But have you told her you love her.
Joey: No. I mean, I've only said that to a woman once before, and it blew up in my face. We were living together, she was pregnant with my best friend's baby, and she ended up with him.
Gina: (she laughs) Yeah, that did blow up in your face. (she sees Joey glaring at her) Oh. Right. Joey, the only thing that matters is, do you love Sara?
Joey: I don't know. Maybe. I think so.
Gina: Boy, if it was me, I'd roll the dice and say it. If not, you're always going to wonder if saying it would have kept her here.
Joey: Maybe you're right. You know, I don't tell you this often, but it's really nice I can share my feelings with. It means a lot to me.
Gina: Oh. You can't tell Sara you love her, but this vagina monologue just pours of out you?
Joey: Good talk.
[Scene: Lorraine's doorstep. Michael knocks on her door. Lorraine opens it]
Lorraine: Michael, what are you doing here? Oh, I really wish you'd called.
Michael: Why? (chuckles) You got another man over here or something?
Lorraine: (she sighs and glances around) Michael...
Michael: What? You do? (Lorraine nods her head) We make out and then it's just onto the next young stud?[An older man enters the room]Man: Baby, the hot tub is cooling off.
Michael: Professor Brightwiser
Professor Brightwiser: Hello, Michael.
Michael: So, what? You think you can just move in on my girlfriend, huh?
Professor Brightwiser: This is uh, this is awkward. I hope this won't effect your decision to be my research assistant.
Michael: If by assistant you mean falsifying data to justify your half-baked theses, then sure, sign me up.
Lorraine: Michael, there's no need to attack anyone's data. (she turns to Professor Brightwiser) Spencer, can you give us a minute?
Professor Brightwiser: Of course. (exits)
Michael: Lorraine, what's going on?
Lorraine: I guess I should have told you about Spencer, but I thought that you knew what you and I had, that it could never be that serious.
Michael: Why not?
Lorraine: Because I'm a lot older than you. I mean I'm older than your mother.
Michael: It's not your fault my mom was a slutty teen.
Lorraine: I'm sorry, Michael. I love being with you. But if you want a serious relationship, then you need to be with someone your own age. (Michael sighs) So, I'll see you at the bookstore.
Michael: I think I'll take my business elsewhere. (stands up)
Lorraine: We're having a sale on physics textbooks.
Michael: I'll see you Monday morning. (exits)
[Scene: Joey and Michael's apartment. Gina and Alex are there]
Gina: (grabs Alex’s hand) Okay, there's no way this is not going to make you laugh. (she leads her to the window) For the fifth day in a row, that angry squirrel has kept Howard from getting to his car. (they look out the window)(Howard yells)
Alex: Oh, Gina, I appreciate this, but you can't force me to be happy. When I'm ready to laugh again, I will.(Michael enters)
Michael: Well, Lorraine dumped me.
Gina: Oh, my God. What happened.
Michael: She's seeing another man.
Gina: Oh, honey. I know you thought if you dated someone who more mature you'd get to skip the hard parts, but you can't. Even with a woman who's 45.
Alex: You're dating a 45 year old woman?
Michael: I was, until she started seeing Professor Brightwiser.
Alex: Professor Brightwiser? (chuckles) How old is he?
Michael: I don't know, 67, 70. (sees Alex laugh) Yeah, you laugh, but Professor Brightwiser gets all the women. Ever since he got his hip replaced, he's been unstoppable.
Alex: (laughing harder) Oh, that's perfect. I'm not gonna die alone, I have you!
[Scene: Sara's apartment. She is packing pictures and sees the one she took of Joey. She puts it in a box as Joey knocks and enters]
Joey: Okay, look. I have something to tell you, and it's not the kind of thing that's easy for me to say, so...Here. (he grabs her hand and they sit on the couch) I know you want this job, and I don't know if this is going to change anything, but before you go, I want you to know that...I may be falling...No, I am...falling. I mean...I...
Sara: I love you, too.
Joey: You do?
Joey: Hey, that feels nice. (they laugh and kiss) So, this is so awesome. So you're going to stay? (they look at each other) You're not. Is it because I didn't actually say it? 'Cause I can get there, I swear.
Sara: Oh, God! God, this is so confusing. I mean, I-I love you. And you love me. And I want to stay with you but this job...God, it's just the kind of work that I've always wanted to do, you know? I mean...I don't know what I'm supposed to do.
Joey: Move in with me.
Joey: Yeah, you want to know where this is going? This is where it's going--move in with me.
Sara: Joey, that's huge.
Joey: (meekly) Uh huh.