[Scene: Joey & Michael’s Apartment – Joey, Gina, & Michael]
Joey: Guys, guys-
Gina: Oh good, you’re up. You can settle this. Which one of us is the bigger pain in the ass?
Joey: Gina, I don’t have time for this. I have a big problem.
Gina: Just pick one!
Joey: Fine. Gina, you are the bigger pain in the ass.
Gina: (To Michael) Told ya.
Joey: Can you listen to me please? Okay, you remember how Alex was spying on her husband from my bedroom? Well when she fell asleep, I saw him kissing another woman.
Gina: Oh my god.
Joey: I know, and she has no idea. She’s up there sleeping like an angel, and drooling like a bull.
Michael: So what are you gonna do? You gonna tell her?
Joey: I don’t know.
Gina: I can tell you from personal experience, you get news like that, you end up stabbing the messenger.
Michael: I think the saying is “shoot the messenger.”
Gina: What saying?
Joey: You know what, I think you’re right. She shouldn’t hear this from me. Eric should be the one to tell her. I think I’m going to go have a little chat with him.
Michael: Whoa, you think he’s going to listen to you?
Joey: Oh yeah, he’s pretty scared of me. He thinks we’re in the mafia.
Michael: Just because we’re Italian?
Joey: No, because Gina told him we were.
Gina: Well I think it makes us more colorful.
[Scene: Eric’s Apartment – Joey & Eric]
Joey: Eric, hi, can I talk to you for a second?
Eric: Uh, sure. Yeah, come on in.
Joey: Hey look, I saw something last night that I don’t think I was supposed to see.
Eric: Oh my god, was there a hit? Is somebody sleeping with the fishes?
Joey: I am not in the mafia!
Eric: Right, right. (Whispers) The feds.
Joey: Eric, Eric, Eric! I saw you kissing that woman last night.
Eric: What? Um, look, no, it’s not what it looks like.
Joey: Look, I know the excuses, okay? I’ve used them all. She’s an old friend. She was my sister. She had peanut butter in my mouth and I was starving.
Eric: All right, um, does Alex know?
Joey: No, I didn’t tell her.
Eric: Thank God, thank you.
Joey: Yeah, because I think she should hear it from you.
Eric: You’re right. You’re right, I’ll tell her. But things are pretty raw right now and we’re kind of on shaky ground, so just let me find the right time.
Joey: Fine, but don’t wait too long. Otherwise I’m going to have to come back and see you.
Eric: Oh my god, with some of your (whispers) associates?
Joey: That’s right.
(Joey kisses Eric on both cheeks and leaves. Italian music plays.)
[Scene: Joey’s Bedroom – Joey & Michael]
Michael: What are you doing?
Joey: Well, this whole thing with Alex and Eric has got me thinking, you know, things are going so great with me and Sara that I don’t want to mess up and sleep with someone else. So you know what I’m going to do?
Michael: Become a different person?
Joey: No, no. I’m calling all the girls I used to go out with and letting them know that I am know unavailable. All right, let’s see who’s next.
Michael: Joey, you really think you’re going to be able to give up other women?
Joey: Yeah, I think it’s time. I mean I’ve had my fair share of women. I’ve had at least one from every county, except Iceland.
Michael: Really? That’s the only kind of girl you’ve never been with?
Joey: Yep. I thought I had one once. I spent the whole weekend with her, and it turned out she was a Dane.
Sara: Hi, Michael. Wow, you Tribbiani’s must have an amazing gene pool. You are one good-looking family.
Michael: (laughs awkwardly) Whoo.
Joey: Yeah, don’t compliment him. It gets him confused.
Sara: What’s this list of women’s names?
Joey: Oh, I’m clearing the decks, letting them all know that I am off the market.
Sara: Oh. That’s really a great idea. I think I’ll call all my old flames.
Joey: Let them down easy.
Sara: I will. It’s convenient because all the Tennessee Titans are at training camp.
Sara: I’m kidding.
Sara: All right, I should go.
Joey: Yeah, you should go.
(Joey & Sara lay down on the bed and begin kissing; Michael stares)
Joey: Uh, Michael, you mind giving us a little privacy?
Michael: (laughs awkwardly) Okay. You know, I’m gonna do this someday because I’m handsome.
[Scene: Joey & Michael’s Apartment – Joey & Michael – The phone rings]
Joey: (picks up the phone) Hello, I’m off the market. I’m in a committed relationship now.
Bobbie: Joey, it’s Bobbie.
Joey: Oh, hey Bobbie. I was just, uh-
Bobbie: Oh honey, I don’t care what you were doing, as long as you’re off the steroids, I don’t need to know your business.
Joey: Uh, I was never on steroids.
Bobbie: Oh, sure, a forehead just grows that way on it’s own. Anyways, Deep Powder just called and they want you to come in early for body make-up. You have a big love scene today.
Joey: Oh, really? Man, I wish I didn’t have to.
Bobbie: It’ll be great. It’s with Carmen Electra. (Joey’s silent for a minute) Hello? Hello? (Joey seems to be frozen with the phone in his hand)
Michael: Joey. Joey. (snaps in front of Joey’s face)
Joey: I’m in big trouble. I’m trying to e good and now I have to do a love scene with Carmen Electra.
Michael: So what? You’ll be acting. It’s not like you’ll be in an actual romantic situation with her.
Joey: Oh, Michael, Michael, you regular people are so naïve. I have been in seventy-five love scenes in my career. Now do you know how many times that’s led to actual sex?
Joey: Two hundred and forty-four!
[Scene: Joey & Michael’s Apartment – Gina & Joey]
Gina: So, did you talk to Eric?
Joey: Yeah, he’s going to tell Alex but he wants to wait until the right time.
Gina: Well, he better be nice to Shirley.
(Joey looks questioningly at Gina)
Gina: Oh, I think of her as Shirley and me Laverne.
(Phone rings; Joey answers it)
Joey: Hello. Oh, Sharon, thanks for calling me back. Yeah, are the rest of the Hawaiian tropic girls there? Great. Can you put me on speakerphone? Ok, bad news ladies…
(Joey exits; Alex enters)
Alex: Hey! I just talked to Eric.
Gina: Oh, honey, I’m so sorry.
Alex: Yeah, we’re separated and he still wants me to call his mother for her birthday? I don’t want to call her. That woman does not like me. The first time I met her she looked at my chest and said, “What’s going on there?”
Gina: Is that all you talked about?
Alex: Yeah, I just can’t believe him.
Alex: Eric. I just had this really intense conversation with him.
Joey: Oh, he told me he was going to talk to you. Are you okay?
Gina: Joey, can I see you outside for a second?
Joey: Gina, Alex is going through something right now. Could you be a little sensitive?
Gina: Joey on the patio now!
(Gina goes out to the patio; Joey shuts the door and locks it)
Joey: It always about Gina. Sorry, go ahead sweetie. Here, sit down.
Alex: Well I’m just so mad. I mean I know this is going to sound harsh, but I just, I hate that woman!
Joey: Alex, Eric has some responsibility in this too.
Alex: Yeah, I guess.
Joey: You guess? Come on, he made out with her!
Alex: Eric made out with his mother?
Joey: What?! First he’s kissing that other woman, now he’s making out with his mother? Hold it together, dude!
(Gina runs in from the courtyard)
Gina: Joey, don’t say anything.
Alex: He made out with her?
Joey: Oh, God, I’m so sorry Alex.
Gina: Me too.
Alex: I can’t believe this.
Joey: (Hugs Alex) I know. (To Gina) A little heads up would’ve been nice.
Alex: How could Eric do this? Oh, geez luigi, this is bad!
Joey: (To Gina) Geez Luigi?
Alex: What happened? Was it just a kiss or did they actually-
Joey: I don’t know the details. That’s why I thought it was important that Eric be the one to tell you.
Gina: This way’s good too.
Alex: We got separated so we could work on the marriage and now he’s off with another woman? I mean, I know I was spying on him, but I never really thought he would do anything. How am I going to forgive him for this?
Joey: Are you definitely going to forgive him?
Alex: Yeah. What else am I supposed to do?
Gina: Get mad! Alex, this is a big deal, and this is not your only problem. He is always on tour, when he is in town you barely connect, and you don’t have a passionate sex life.
Alex: Gina, don’t talk about my sex life.
Gina: And now you’re separated for one day, and he’s with someone else and you’re just going to accept this? You deserve better.
Alex: Okay, you’re right. I’ll talk to him.
Gina: Don’t talk to him, yell at him!
Joey: Oh, then take Gina with you. She yells all the time.
Alex: You know, it might actually be good to have you there, you know, as moral support. That way if I start to cave, you won’t let me.
Gina: It’s inappropriate, it’s almost certainly going to make things worse, I’ll do it.
(Alex & Gina leave; Michael enters) Michael: So, I just finished reading your scene with Carmen Electra. They’re pretty intense. Get ready to blush.
Joey: I think I’ll be okay. (Takes the script from Michael) Geez luigi! Oh, man, this is bad, and it’s Carmen Electra. You put the two of us together in a love scene and it’s a sexual time bomb! I need something to defuse it. I need something that’s such a turn off it will desexualize any situation. I need a living, breathing cold shower. (pauses) Hey buddy, you want to meet Carmen Electra?
[Scene: Eric’s Apartment – Gina & Alex]
Alex: Eric? Eric? I guess he’s not home. God, I can’t believe he was in this room kissing another woman. I’m just so angry I could break something.
Gina: Do it! What’s the most important thing he owns?
Alex: His viola, but we can’t break that. It means too much to him.
Gina: Okay, we’ll do one better. All we’re gonna do is take it and put it in the middle of the room. He’ll see all the other stuff we messed with and he’ll always wonder, “What did they do to my viola?”
Alex: Oh. That will really fudge with his head.
Gina: I once did it to an ex-boyfriend of mine.
Alex: Oh, did he play an instrument?
Gina: No, it was a pound of hash.
[Scene: The Deep Powder Set]
Michael: Oh God, there she is. There’s Carmen Electra.
Joey: Here she comes. Okay, do not leave my side.
Michael: Okay, be strong. Remember Sara, okay? You can not leave her. She thinks I’m good-looking.
Carmen: Hey, Joey.
Carmen: I’m really excited we’re working together. You know, I’m a huge Days of Our Lives fan. I love Drake Ramoray.
Joey: Oh, thanks. Hey uh, this is my nephew, Michael.
Carmen: Hi, I’m Carmen.
Carmen: Uh, you’re collars a little up in the back. (fixes Michael’s collar)
Carmen: There you go.
(Carmen walks away)
Michael: Please have sex with her.
Michael: I’m sorry. Look, you have a big problem here.
Bobbie: Joey! I cam down to watch your big scene.
Joey: Oh, hey.
Bobbie: (Seeing Michael) Oh and you. Come on, give me! (Picks up Michael) What are you doing here?
Joey: He’s here to stop me from jumping in bed with Carmen Electra.
Bobbie: Really? Well who’s stopping him from jumping in bed with me?
(Michael runs away)
Joey: Why’d you scare him off? He was my buffer.
Bobbie: Why don’t you want anything to happen with Carmen Electra? She’s the only woman I would sleep with, or so I thought until last Saturday.
Joey: Sweet. Yeah, uh, I’m worried because I just started a committed relationship-
Bobbie: You did what?
Joey: Yeah, yeah, we’re being exclusive, and I-
Bobbie: (Laughing) Exclusive!
Joey: So if you could just get them to rewrite the script a little bit, that would be great.
Bobbie: Oh sure. Alert: All writers and directors: Joey Tribbiani is in a relationship. Let’s stop Hollywood. (Laughing) Exclusive! You big jackass.
Director: Joey, we’re going to run through your scene with Carmen before we shoot it. All right, let’s take it from the top.
Carmen: Thank you, Jeremiah. Because of your hard work, I just won four more years in the US senate. Isn’t a senate term six years?
Director: Please, read the line as written.
Joey: Well, the US senate has been a great friend to Powder Mountain.
Carmen: We’d like to be more than just friends. (Presses herself against Joey)
Director: You know, here might be a good time for the senator to take her jacket off.
(Carmen takes her jacket off)
Joey: (To himself) Take her jacket off? Okay, it’s no big deal, no big deal. (Looks at Carmen with her jacket off) That is just ridiculous!
Director: And now Carmen moves in really close.
(Carmen moves closer and wraps her arms around Joey)
Joey: Uh, could we take a break? I forgot my line here.
Carmen: The script just says adlib heavy breathing. Ahhh.
Joey: Man that is good writing.
Director: Okay, can you guys hold that position while we adjust the cameras? Great.
Joey: Wow, I am really feeling the heat. You are a great actress.
Carmen: I’m not acting. We’re going to have sex today.
Joey: Two hundred and forty-five.
[Scene: Eric’s Apartment – Gina & Alex]
Gina: (Putting on a tie) Look at me, I’m Annie Hall.
Alex: Okay, so guess what. I broke a framed picture of his mother, I changed all the clocks to be ten minutes slow so he’ll always be late, and I made it so that his TiVo will only record wrestling.
Gina: Oh, that’s good. Do a bunch of mean things and then one nice thing to throw him off.
Alex: This place is a mess. Have we gone too far?
Gina: No. Don’t soften, I need you to be strong. We’re gonna get through this together.
Eric: What the hell is…
(Gina cuts up on of Eric’s ties)
Eric: Oh my god. You know.
Eric: What did you do to my viola?
Eric: Alex, I am so sorry. I feel badly about what I did. It was a terrible mistake, and if I could take it back, I would, but all that I can do is say that I am very, very sorry.
Alex: Well, that’s something.
Alex: Well it is something!
Eric: (To Gina) Could you at least stop cutting those?
Gina: (Cuts another tie) No.
Eric: Look, Alex, you have to kind of look at this from my perspective, you know. I mean, you wanted the separation. You forced me into it.
Alex: What are you saying?
Eric: Well, look, what I did was wrong, you know, but you have to take some responsibility here, honey. I mean, it’s kind of your fault too.
Alex: Gina, you can go.
Gina: You sure?
Alex: Yeah, I got this.
(Gina grabs a bottle of wine and heads for the door)
Eric: Uh, excuse me, I think that’s my wine.
Gina: Yes, but you gave it to me as a sign of respect!
[Scene: Joey’s Dressing Room]
Michael: You turned down Carmen Electra. Like, how did you do it?
Joey: I did anything I could to distract myself, you know. I thought about Sara. I thought about baseball. I thought about sandwiches. This may not have been my best performance. Hey look, I can’t take anymore chances. (Hands Michael the keys) Go get the car, and get me out of here. I won’t feel safe until I’m home.
(Michael leaves; Joey calls Sara)
Sara: (Answering the phone) Joey Tribbiani’s girlfriend.
Joey: Aww, that’s nice to hear. Look, I just called because I wanted to hear your voice, and also, I want you to know that I would never do anything to- (Carmen Electra walks out of Joey’s bathroom with a towel wrapped around her) I’m going to have to call you back.
Carmen: Hi, Joey.
Joey: Hi, uh, uh, what are you doing here?
Carmen: I didn’t have a shower in my dressing room, and I thought you might want to see me naked.
Joey: You’re like a mind reader.
Carmen: I’ve had a crush on you for the longest time.
Joey: Me too. I still use your 1998 Baywatch calendar ‘cause it’s to hot. I’ve missed Christmas for the last four years in a row, but it’s overrated anyway.
Carmen: Let’s do this.
Joey: But I just started a relationship.
Carmen: Then this would be just between us. No one has to know.
Joey: Honey, we’re both going to want to tell people about this. Look, I’m sorry. This girl’s too great for me to risk messing things up. I hope you’ll be okay.
Carmen: Let’s not get carried away. I’ll be okay. Well it’s nice to know you’re a one-woman-guy.
Joey: Well, thanks. I didn’t know I had this kind of willpower. I mean, if I can resist you, I can resist anything.
(Someone knocks on the door; Joey answers it)
Elsa: Carmen, there you are.
Carmen: Oh, Joey, this is my friend, Elsa.
Elsa: Wow, Drake Ramoray. I’m a big fan. You’re huge in Iceland. Maybe we can share him.
Joey: Oh, come on! (Storms out)
[Scene: Joey & Michael’s Apartment – Gina, Alex, Michael, & Joey]
Joey: Hey, what’s going on?
Alex: (Crying) I talked to Eric, and um, it’s not going to work out.
Joey: Oh, I’m so sorry.
Michael: Yeah, can I get you anything, Alex?
Alex: You know, um, I think I could use some of that wine you took.
Alex: You drank it all?
Gina: Well you were gone for like twenty minutes.
Joey: Hey, hey, you know what? I was saving it for a special occasion, but I’ve got a bottle of champagne in the fridge. What do you say, we pop it open and toast to new beginnings?
Joey: Well, if it makes you feel any better, I didn’t sleep with Carmen Electra today.
Alex: It kind of does.
[Scene: Joey & Michael’s Apartment – Joey & Sara]
Joey: So, are we still on for tonight?
Sara: Yeah, let me go put my stuff down and we can get going.
Joey: Okay. Hey, uh, you don’t happen to have any Icelandic in you, do you?
Sara: Actually my grandfather was born in Iceland.
Sara: Okay, see you.
(Sara leaves; Joey gets out his map of girls)
Joey: I think that counts.