[Scene: The Deep Powder Set - Joey is shooting a scene]
Joey: Hang on, Lizzie.
Lizzie: I can't. It's too hard.
Joey: Then I'll carry you off this mountain. (Lifts up the girl into his arms) I'll carry you for as long as it takes to get you home.
Joey: (Puts down the little girl; she walks off) Oh man, how heavy is that kid? What, does she have weights in her pockets?
Director: Okay, we'll finish this after lunch, people.
Joey: Yeah, have a nice lunch. (Looks at the little girl) Maybe just a salad.
Bobbie: Hey, Joey.
Joey: Bobbie. Hey. Hey everyone, this is my agent, Bobbie.
Bobbie: Hello, everyone. I just watched your last scene. Wow! You're all so lucky to have work. (To Joey) So what do you think? Are you excited to do it?
Joey: (Confused) What are you talking about?
Bobbie: Did I not tell you? I'm a little off. I was at the gate looking through my purse for my wallet, and I accidentally tasered myself.
Joey: So, what's the news?
Bobbie: Well, the tonight show had a cancellation for tomorrow, and they called to ask me if I had anyone who could fill in. I suggested you, and they said yes!
Joey: You're kidding!
Bobbie: I'm as stunned as you are!
Joey: I'm gonna be on the Tonight Show? Oh my God! This is unbelievable. This is like one of those moments I've dreamed of my whole life. The only thing bigger than this would be like, I don't know, making my Oscar speech.
Bobbie: (Laughs) Oscar? Did you get tasered too?
[Scene: Joey and Michael's Apartment - 4 AM - Joey is watching TV; Michael Enters]
Michael: It's four in the morning. Shouldn't you be in bed? Tomorrow's your big day.
Joey: I can't sleep. I'm too nervous.
(Michael opens the refrigerator)
Joey: Don't bother. I ate it. Hey, you don't mind if I watch it again, do you?
Jay Leno: Tune in tomorrow night. My guests will be Colin Farrel, Deep Powder's Joey Tribbiani, and musical guest Maroon 5. It's gonna be a good show.
Joey: Didn't he sound kind of excited when he said my name? I betcha he can't sleep either. God, I still can't believe it. Tomorrow night I am gonna be sitting on that couch. Is it lame that I'm this nervous?
Michael: No. No, this is huge. Joey, you're gonna be great.
Joey: Thanks. It's just, when I was a kid, I used to dream about being on the Tonight Show. You know, Johnny Carson would come out and introduce me and I'd come out and he'd say, 'How you doin' Joey?' and I'd say, 'Just great, Johnny' and now that day is finally here. I'm so scared, 'cause-
Michael: Because you're afraid you're gonna say Johnny's name instead of Jay's?
Joey: It could so happen.
[Scene: Joey and Michael's House - Gina, Alex & Joey; Gina is cutting Joey's hair]
Gina: I spoke to Mom. Everyone is so excited. They're all gonna watch it over at Mary Angela's, except for Mary Teresa who has to be home to watch Nightline. That bitch with her current events.
Alex: People in the building are excited, too.
Joey: Oh, really?
Alex: Yeah well, it's a solid two hours they know you won't be in the hot tub.
Michael: I got your suit.
Joey: Oh, great. Thanks.
Michael: Did you know that there was a woman's number in the pocket? (Hands Joey her number)
Joey: Oh my God. To find a number I thought I'd lost forever, it's like the ending of a great romantic movie. (Unfolds the paper to read it) Oh, her? No.
Michael: So, do you have your stories prepared yet?
Joey: Ah, I got a few choices. Oh, tell me what you guys think. Um, it's a couple years ago at Halloween, and I'm going as the Grinch.
Alex: Love it.
Joey: So, I meet this girl at a party. And 'cause I'm a little drunk and she's wearing a Catwoman mask, I just assume that she's pretty.
Gina: Stop. Alex: Ew.
Joey: Wait a minute, I didn't even get to the funny part yet. So, it turns out she was only 17. Oops.
Michael: Uh, maybe a diffrent story?
Joey: Um, ooh, okay. Well, I know a joke: This old French whore walks into a bar-
Michael: Yeah, I don't think she does. No, no. Not on the Tonight Show. Joey, you've gotta have something other than dirty jokes and sex stories.
Joey: Oh, like a heart-warming, family story?
Joey: Okay. Oh, here's something: Uh, one of my sister's breast fed her kid until he was 7.
Michael: So, what happened to this French whore?
[Scene: A Highway, on the way to The Tonight Show - Gina, Michael, and Joey]
Joey: Jay. Jay. Jay. Hi, Jay. I'm Joey. Johnny! Awh!
Gina: You had it.
Joey: I think that's as close as I'm gonna get. I still haven't figured out what I'm gonna do when I get there. Should I break dance?
Joey: Bird calls?
Joey: An impersanation of Jay?
Michael: Really, definitely, no.
Joey: Seriously, Michael, could you drive any slower?
Michael: There's a lot of traffic.
Joey: I can't be late. I go on in an hour! There should be a Tonight Show lane.
Gina: Hey! They guy in the red truck just cut you off. Pull up his next to his truck and give him the finger.
Gina: Why not?
Michael: Because it's stupid.
Gina: You know, I don't insult the things that you do. Now come on, flip him off.
Michael: Mom, no. I've never given anyone the finger in my life.
Joey: Never? That's the Tribbiani handshake!
Gina: You're never gonna see him again. Just do it. What are you, scared?
Michael: No, I-
Gina: Are you a baby? Are you a big baby?
Michael: You are the best mom ever.
Gina: Michael, just do it. Otherwise she's never gonna leave you alone.
Michael: Okay, okay. (Gives the driver the finger) Are you happy now?
Joey: How did it feel?
Michael: Pretty good.
Gina: Can you believe this? Michael gave a guy the finger, and you're gonna be on the Tonight Show. Let us remember this day.
Michael: Uh-oh. We're slowing down.
Gina: What's the big deal?
Michael: Well, you said I'd never see this guy again, now we're stoopping right next to each other.
Joey: Oh great, we can take it to the next level: swearing. Gina?
Michael: No, no. Mom! Just, we're not moving. Is he still right next to me?
Gina: Pretty much.
Michael: (Turns to look at the driver) Oh, God. The guy's staring at me.
Joey: Well sure, Michael. You gave him the finger.
Gina: Look up ahead, people are getting out of their cars. Why are they getting out of their cars?
Joey: Oh my God, I can't be late.
Gina: I'll find out what's going on. I'm good with people. (Gets out of the car) Hey! What the hell?!
(Joey's phone rings; he answers it)
Bobbie: Joey, oh, I'm so glad I caught you. There is a major traffic jam on the freeway. Do not take the 101.
Joey: I'm already on the 101.
Bobbie: Ugh! You actors never listen! Just get your ass over here.
(Joey hangs up; Gina runs back to the car)
Gina: You are not gonna believe it.
Gina: I just met the hottest guy!
(Joey and Michael exchange glances)
Gina: Oh, dirty hair, great arms, drives an El Camino.
Joey: Gina, what about the traffic?!
Gina: Oh, well a truck jack-knifed, fell over, spilled stuff everywhere. The driver's okay, but he's so fired.
Joey: So what does this mean?
Gina: Well they closed all five lanes so they could clean it up. It's gonna be about an hour.
Joey: An hour? I can't wait that long. I'm gonna make a run for it. How far away are we?
Michael: (Skeptically) Nine miles.
Joey: Okay, nine miles in 45 minutes. Can I do that?
Michael: Are you a Kenyan man with a number on your back?
Joey: (Confused) I don't know what that means. I'm gonna give it a shot.
(Joey takes off running, but comes back groaning)
Joey: Aggracated an old injury.
Joey: No, no, threesome. All right, I'm never gonna make it there on foot. I'm gonna call Bobbie and see what my options are.
[Cut to Bobbie; her phone rings]
Bobbie: (Talking as if she's drunk) Oh, hello?
Joey: Bobbie? Is that you?
Bobbie: I just tasered myself again. I think on some level, I may be doing it on purpose.
Joey: Look, I need you to find out what the Tonight Show does if someone's late.
Bobbie: Oh, I am so on it. (Falls off the couch)
[Cut back to the car on the freeway]
Michael: Mom, what are you doing?
Gina: I want a picture of you and the first guy you ever gave the figner too. I'd tell him to smile but I don't think that's happening. (Looks through the lens of her camera and takes the picture) Huh.
Gina: His license plate says 'Judo Man'.
Joey: Ah, he's not that big. He can't be Judo Man.
(The backseat window rolls down revealing a bulky man)
Joey: That's Judo Man.
[Cut back to Bobbie]
Bobbie: I talked to the producers, and it turns out if you're late, they give away your spot and you're banned from the show for life.
Joey: That's terrible! Isn't there anything else you can do?
Bobbie: Do you have any idea how hard it was for me to crawl there?
[Scene: The Freeway]
Joey: Okay, I have to get there now! Otherwise, I'm never gonna be on the Tonight Show. I got 40 minutes. All right, let's brainstorm. What are some ways I can get the hell out of here?
(The sound of helicopters can be heard overhead)
Gina: You know what, it's crazy, but maybe we can get one of the news helicopters to come down and pick you up.
Joey: That's great! Okay, we just gotta get their attention. Uh, Ooh! Let's lie on the pavement and use our bodies to spell out 'Joey Tribbiani needs to get to the Tonight Show fast!'
Gina: I'll be the J!
Michael: What?! Whoa, whoa, guys. This is ridiculous.
Joey: Well you got any other ideas?
Gina: That hot guy in the El Camino seemed to have a good head on his shoulders. Maybe I'll just check in with him.
Joey: How is that gonna help me get to the Tonight Show?
Gina: Okay look, he asked me to stop by and hang out if I had some time.
Joey: I'm sorry, do you have a date in a traffic jam?
Gina: Don't put so much pressure on it.
Michael: Not that this isn't a great idea in every other way, but aren't you dating Joey's assistant?
Gina: Look, Glen's great, but there's no ring on this finger. (Holds up her ring finger) Oh, that's hilarious. That guy [in the red truck] must think I'm flicking him off.
Michael: Mom, put it down!
Gina: All right, I'll be back.
(Gina leaves; Michael looks over to see the two men in the red truck staring at him)
Michael: They won't stop staring at me! They didn't even look at my mom when she walked away.
Joey: Well they're probably gay.
Michael: Oh yeah, they heard that.
[Scene: Gina in "El Camino Guy's" Car]
El Camino Guy: (Talking about his tatoos) This is a Chinese black dragon, and this means 'Flower of Chaos'.
Gina: Flower of Chaos. I've been called that.
El Camino Guy: That is so hot.
Gina: Speaking of hot, huh?
El Camino Guy: Yeah, I know. It's gotta be 90 today.
Gina: What're you gonna do?
El Camino Guy: Nothing but sweat.
El Camino Guy: You like music?
Gina: Sure. What's your favorite band?
El Camino Guy: You know Whitesnake?
Gina: No way! I just got the Japanese release of 'Slip Of The Tongue'.
El Camino Guy: No way! How is it?
Gina: I got it in my car. (Gets out of the car) Don't go anywhere.
El Camino GUy: Don't worry, I won't.
Gina: That's 'cause of the traffic.
El Camino Guy: That's right.
(Gina walks towards Joey's car but is stopped by another guy)
Guy: Hey, anything happening up there yet?
Gina: Yeah, they're still clearing the road.
Gina: Nice car.
Gina: You, uh, got air conditioning in there?
Gina: What's that? A bottle of water?
Guy: Uh huh. Do you wanna come in for some?
Gina: Well, just for a little bit.
[Scene: The Freeway - Joey and Michael]
Michael: So, did you get that lady to give you her horse?
Joey: No, and the family in the mini van wouldn't loan me there big dog either.
(A cop drives by on a motorcycle)
Joey: That's it. A motorcycle. I just need to get a motorcycle!
Michael: That shouldn't be too hard. I think that old lady in the Acrua is going to be opening up a shop.
Joey: Yeah, that's funny. You know who'd get a chuckle out of that? Judo Man.
(Joey dials Alex's number)
[Scene: Alex's Office]
Alex: Mr. Tunaka, the government holds several documents with your signature implicating you and your companies misconduct.
(Mr. Tunaka stares blankly at her; Alex's phone rings)
Alex: Hopefully that's the translator.
Joey: You gotta get me a motorcycle!
Alex: (To Tunaka) It is not the translator.
Joey: No, it's me, Joey. Look, I'm stuck in traffic on the 101 nad the only way I can get to the Tonight Show is with a motorcycle.
Alex: Where am I supposed to get a motorcycle?
Joey: I don't know. Someone at your firm's gotta have one. Don't a lot of lawyers ride motorcycles on the weekends so their lives don't seem so empty and boring?
Alex: (Depressed) Oh. I gotta go.
[Scene: The Freeway - Joey, Gina, & Michael]
Gina: Okay, I got a big problem.
Joey: Do ya?!
Gina: So, this El Camino guy is totally my type: very sexy, we have tons of stuff in common, but then I met this other guy in a Mercedes: Safe, kinda boring, but he has seats softer than my skin. I just don't know what to do. They're both so great but so diffrent. I mean, do I follow my heart or opt for security?
Joey: You've been gone ten minutes!
(A cop on a motorcycle drives by; Joey stops him)
Joey: Officer, officer, look. I'm supposed to be on the Tonight Show in half an hour. Is there any way you could give me a ride?
Cop: You're on the Tonight Show? Wait a second, you're Tony Danza!
Joey: Yes, I am!
Cop: Well I'll tell you what, I'm going past there anyway. I'll drop you off.
Joey: This is great, thank you!
Cop: (Yelling at a man) Sir, you have to get down from there! (To Joey) Just a second, Mr. Danza.
Joey: Hey, please. Tony.
(The Cop leaves his bike to talk to the man)
Joey: Oh my God, I think it's gonna work!
(A man's voice comes through the Cop's radio)
Cop's Radio: Officer Bradley, we have a 10-12.
Gina: Oh my God, that's a woman going into labor!
Joey: How do you know that?
Gina: I was a 10-12 on my way to the prom.
Cop's Radio: Officer Bradley, proceed immediately to the blue station wagon at the 20 mile marker.
Joey: Oh my God, if he goes to help that woman deliver the baby, I'll never make it to the Tonight Show!
Gina: He doesm't have to know!
Joey: No, I gotta tell him.
Gina: She'll be fine! Women have been having babies on freeways for thousands of years.
Joey: That's a good point.
(The Cop returns)
Cop: Ready to roll?
Joey: I can't do this. Uh, look, officer, there's a 10-12 at the 20 mile marker. A blue station wagon.
Cop: Oh my God. A 10-12? I gotta go. But before I do, can you give me one of your trademark catch phrases?
Joey: Uh, hey Angela, I'm your nanny now... or whatever!
(The Cop drives off)
[Scene: The Freeway - Joey & Michael]
Michael: I don't want to alarm you, but Judo man is now kissing his muscles and wrapping his hands in tape.
(Joey's phone rings; He answers it)
Bobbie: Joey! It's ten minutes before you're supposed to go on. Can you get here?
Joey: I'm trying, I'm trying!
Bobbie: I need to know now, because if you can't make it, they're gonna send out the guy from the zoo with his snake.
Joey: Aw, man. I'm not gonna be on the show and I'm missing a snake?
Bobbie: Look, I'm gonna have to tell them you can't make it. I'm sorry, honey.
Joey: Yeah, all right. I guess you should.
(Joey hangs up; Gina comes running back)
Gina: I couldn't find a bike, but how do you feel about a motorized wheelchair?
Joey: It's too late. Bobbie's giving away my spot. It's not gonna happen.
Gina: Oh, I'm sorry. Hey, you wanna come with me to the Mercedes? You can collect yourself on the softest leather you've ever felt.
Joey: I'd like that very much.
(Michael sees the man in the back of the red truck still staring at him)
Michael: All right! I can't take it anymore!
Gina: Michael, what are you doing?
Michael: These guys have been staring at me for like an hour. And you know what? The anticipation has gotta be worse than anything they can actually do to me, so-
Joey: Michael, hey, hey, hey. Have you ever been hit in the face? It's not great.
Michael: You know what? I don't care. I've just got to get this over with. So come on, Judo Man! Yeah, come on! Practice your dark arts on me!
(The two men get out of the truck)
Gina: Now that they're standing, they're not big at all.
Joey: No, no, they're just crouched in some kind of attack stance.
Michael: All right, let's just get this over with. Just do what you have to do.
Man: Oh, we will.
(The two men begin cracking their backs)
Michael: What are you doing?
Man: We never perform Judo without stretching properly.
Judo Man: This should only take about 30 minutes.
Michael: This will not end!
(El Camino Guys walks over to them)
El Camino Guy: Oh there you are. I thought you were bringing back the Whitesnake tape.
(Mercedes Guy walks up)
Mercedes Guy: Gina, come back to the car. I've personalized the lumbar setting on the passenger seat for you.
El Camino Guy: Wait, you were in his car too?
Mercedes Guy: You were in two cars?
El Camino Guy: That we know of.
Gina: Hey, I don't like what you're implying.
Man: (Still stretching) Ooh, yeah. Right there Judo Man.
Joey: Hey, what do you know? The little one is Judo Man.
Judo Man: Who you callin' little?
Joey: Hey, don't be mad at me. She is hte one who told him to give you the finger.
Judo Man: Oh did she?
El Camino Guy: Back off buddy, she's with me.
Mercedes Guy: Oh, I don't think she is.
Michael: Would soembody please just punch me in the face?!
Joey: Enough! None of these are problems. I'm the only one of us with a problem, okay? I'm supposed to be grooving out to Maroon 5 with Colin Farrel right now! Instead, a snake is doing it! Okay? So everybody just calm down. All right, you got it? Tatoo guy, huh? Mercedes Guy, huh? Judo Man. Guy who was sitting in the back of Judo Man's truck for no apparent reason!
Man: I was watching a DVD.
Gina: You got a DVD in there?
(Alex drives up on a pink motorcycle)
Alex: Oh! I can't believe I found you.
Alex: You wanted a motorcycle; I got you a motorcycle.
Joey: You call this a motorcycle?
Alex: Do you know what I had to go through to get you this? I had to borrow it from the cleaning lady at our office who hates me, even though I have been nothing but nice to her. On the way here, I have been yelled at, sworn at, honked at, and I lost my shoe! But if this is not even a motorcycle for you, then I guess I'll just take it ba-
Joey: No, no. It's great! It's great, it's great. I love it, I love it.
Alex: Yeah, you're damn right you do!
(Alex gets off the motorcycle; Joey gets on)
Joey: All right, here, here. (Hands Gina his cell phone) Call Bobbie, and tell her I'm on my way.
Alex: Wait, the helmet! (Holds out a pink helmet)
Joey: No, no, I'm not wearing that.
Alex: (Yelling) Safety first!!
Joey: Okay, okay, okay! (Puts the helmet on) All right, wish me luck.
Everyone: Good luck, Joey!
(Joey drives off; horserace music is played. The camera follows Joey down several roads, then cuts to Bobbie looking impatient in the green room of the Tonight Show. The camera cuts back to Joey driving past the security guard on the Tonight Show lot, enters under a sign that reads "Artists' Entrance", and skids to take a left turn. Then the camera cuts to Bobbie who is holding back the zoo guy to keep him from going on stage. The camera cuts back to Joey who parks his pink motorcycle inside the building and rushes backstage to meet Bobbie, still wearing his helmet. He starts to go on stage, but Bobbie stops him and takes off his helmet.)
Jay Leno: Ladies and Gentleman, please welcome Joey Tribbiani.
(Joey enters and hugs Jay, refusing to let go)
Jay Leno: Uh, Joey. Can I- Stop it. That's enough. Joey. Joey!
[Scene: Joey and Michael's Apartment - Gina, Michael, Joey, & Alex are watching the tape of Joey on the Tonight Show]
Jay Leno: Ladies and Gentleman, please welcome Joey Tribbiani.
Alex: Joey, you look great.
(They watch as Joey continuously hugs Jay)
Gina: So how long do you hug him for?
Joey: Oh, it goes on for quite a while. In about a minute, Colin Farrel comes out to try to peel me off of him.
Alex: But you were on the Tonight Show.
Joey: Yeah, I was on the Tonight Show! Ooh, ooh. See right there where Jay kinda shakes his head at me?
Michael: Is that where you call him Johnny?
Joey: That is where.