[Scene: Joey and Michael’s Apartment – Gina, Michael, and Alex are in the living room, Joey comes downstairs]
Joey: Okay, family meeting.
Alex: Aww, you think of me as family?
Joey: Oh, hey, Alex. I didn’t see you there. Um, as you all know, my new show Deep Powder is premiering next week. My official unveiling as a big time celebrity, and someone gets to with me to the party as my guest. Michael: Just one of us?
Joey: Unfortunately, this is such an exclusive event. I can only bring one person. We’re gonna have a little competition. Each one of us is going to give a speech and state your case. Now whoever’s most convincing will get to come with me. Who’s gonna go first?
(Gina stands up)
Gina: Joey, you should pick me because I have loved you, supported you, and.. Michael’s socially awkward and Alex can’t hold a liquor.
Joey: Good points, good points. Okay, who’s next?
(Michael stands up)
Michael: Alright, okay, statistically-
Joey: Thank you very much, Michael.
(Joey motions for Michael to sit, Michael sits, Alex stands up)
Alex: You are the most wonderful man I’ve ever met. When I look into your eyes, I see the person that I want to be. You’re my light when it’s dark; my umbrella when it rains. I love you Eric!
Joey: Are those your wedding vows?
Alex: Yeah, it was all I could think of to say. You know, I sing the next part.
Joey: (Motions for Alex to sit) And you’re out.
Gina: Joey, this is silly. You know we all want to go. You shouldn’t have to choose between us.
Alex: Yeah, I mean, you’re one of the stars. They might be able to bend the rules for you.
Joey: Okay, you know what? I am the star of the show. I’m sure she’ll give me the tickets.
Gina: This is so exciting. We’re going to a big premiere.
Joey: Oh, this is gonna be great, huh?
(Joey and Gina hug)
Joey: Alright, but you know, let’s lay a couple of ground rules first, okay? (Points to Michael) No science talk. (Points to Alex) No autographs. (Looks at Gina) You, no drinking, no cursing, no fighting, no spitting, no- (To Alex and Michael) You guys might want to go, we’re gonna be a while.
[Scene: Joey and Michael’s Apartment – Joey is playing video games, Michael enters]
Michael: I got my tux. How are you doing on the tickets?
Joey: Uh, not so good. I was gonna call my boss a while ago, but I started playing Tetris and I couldn’t put it down. Ooh, check it out though. I got to level two.
Michael: Well, that’s not very good.
Joey: Yeah, I don’t understand the game.
(Michael goes to try on his tux, Joey stops playing Tetris and calls Lauren’s office)
Joey: Hey, it’s uh, it’s Joey Tribbiani calling for Lauren.
Lauren: Hi, Joey.
Joey: Hey, listen, I got some questions about the party.
Lauren: No you can not have extra tickets.
Joey: Alright, look, I didn’t want to have to do this, but if you don’t give me some more tickets, I’m gonna cause some problems on stage.
Lauren: You already have. You were supposed to be here 30 minutes ago.
Joey: Uh, well, I’m on my way. (Pretending to be on the road) The light’s green, buddy! (To Lauren) Look, Lauren, come on, come on. I need some more tickets. It’s important.
Lauren: Joey, the rules are simple. You get one non-transferable ticket, and you can bring one guest. That’s it.
(Lauren’s cell phone rings)
Lauren: Oh, can you hold on one second. Ooh, I have to take this Joey. Can you please hold?
Joey: Sure, yeah, but then I have some more questions about the party.
Lauren: Do they all involve tickets?
Joey: Uh, no. One is a lengthy food request.
Lauren: Just, please hold. (Lauren puts the phone down and answers her cell) You know what, we broke up already. You can stop doing this. And I am so sad for you because you are losing the most.. hygienic woman you’ll ever be with! Fine! Goodbye! (Hangs up her cell, answers Joey on her office phone) Joey, I’m back.
Joey: Wow, either you pressed the wrong button or your hold music is a lady yelling at her boyfriend.
Lauren: Oh my God, you heard that conversation?
Joey: Oh yeah. Hygienic girlfriend, huh? How’s that play out in the bedroom?
Lauren: Oh, I had a music medical grade cleanser that- you know what, I don’t talk about my private life with people that I work with! I cannot give you any extra tickets, but I can consider your food request. What is it?
Joey: A fried shark?
Lauren: Goodbye, Joey.
(Joey hangs up with Lauren, Gina and Alex enter carrying shopping bags)
Alex: We just went shopping for our outfits for the premiere. We’re so excited.
Gina: You gotta see these dresses me and Alex got. (Gina pulls her dress out of the bag) Tell him what you said about mine.
Alex: I said “That is the sluttiest thing I’ve ever seen.”
Gina: And, out came the credit card!
Joey: Yeah, uh, I was excited about the premiere too, but then I realized it’s the same night these Del Taco coupons expire. Well, I still have to go to the party, but you guys don’t so, wahoo! (Hands them the Del Taco coupons)
Alex: Don’t be crazy. We want to be there for you.
(Michael enters in his tuxedo)
Michael: Guys, what do you think?
Gina: Ooh, doesn’t he look handsome?
Joey: He sure does! Man, have I got a fast food joint for you to wear that to! (hows Michael the coupons)
Gina: Joey, is something wrong?
Joey: Okay, look, about the premiere – the thing is.. (pause) the limo’s coming at 6!
Gina: Oh my God! Is it a stretch?
Joey: Better! It’s a stretch Humvee, huh? With champagne, and a hot tub, and a butler!
Alex: Is the show paying for all of that?
Joey: Haha, I doubt it..
[Scene: Behind the scenes of the Deep Powder set]
Bodie: ‘Sup, bro?
Joey and Bodie: (In unison) ‘Sup, dude?
Joey: Hey listen, are you bringing anyone to the premiere party ‘cause I need some extra tickets.
Bodie: Oh, sorry bro. I’m bringing my mom.
Joey: Dude, that is so lame! You don’t wanna bring your mom, you wanna bring my married neighbor.
Bodie: Dude, I didn’t even know that was an option. Yeah, I’m such a loser!
Martin: Hey, Joey!
Joey: Hey! ... guy?
Martin: It’s Martin. You’re NBC executive.
Joey: You think I don’t know your name? Hmm.. Martin? Hey, so, did you get tickets to the premiere?
Martin: Yeah, but I’m not going. I’m not really up for it.
Joey: Martin not at a party? You’re the reason everyone’s excited about it! Come on, Marty, it’ll be fun! Hey, I got the perfect date for you.
Martin: Alright, fine. I’ll go. Uh, who’s the date?
Joey: Uh, well, I got a couple of options. What are you looking for tonight?
Martin: What’s any guy looking for?
Joey: My sister it is!
[Scene: Joey and Michael’s Apartment – Joey, Gina, and Michael]
Joey: Hey, guys, listen up. You know those tickets we got to the premiere? Well, I thought to make it more fun, we could go with my coworkers.
Gina: You mean you offered us up as dates without telling us?
Joey: No, no, no. I would never do that. We’re each gonna pair off and have a buddy for the night, and maybe, as a goof, we’ll make out with them. (Gina looks doubtful) No, this guy’s great. He was very excited about you.
Gina: Why? What did you tell him I would do?
(Joey whispers in Gina’s ear)
Gina: Eh, let’s see what he looks like.
(There’s a knock on the door, Joey answers it)
Joey: Hey, how’s it going? Uh, Michael and Gina, this is Martin and Carla.
Gina: (To Martin) Oh, it’s a pleasure. I’m, uh, having some trouble with my dress. Would you be kind enough to let me know if a boob pops out?
Martin: Uh, sure.
Gina: Oh, at last, a true gentleman.
Martin: We better be going. We don’t want to be late.
Michael: (To Carla) Hi, I’m Michael. I guess you and I are-
Joey: Uh, Michael, a world please?
(Michael and Joey walk away)
Joey: You’re actually my date tonight.
Michael: Oh. Then who’s gonna be her date?
Alex: Hello! Sorry I’m late.
Joey: That’s okay. Alex, this is Carla. Carla, this is Alex, the girl I was telling you about.
Carla: (Smiling) Yes, you were. Hello.
Alex: Nice to meet you.
(Alex and Carla shake hands, Carla pulls Alex closer)
Alex: Oh, you’re friendly.
Joey: Okay, let’s get going. We don’t want to be late.
Michael: Joey, did you set Alex up with a lesbian?
Michael: You couldn’t find a guy for her?
Joey: Oh no, I could. I just thought this would be funnier, come on.
[Scene: The Deep Powder Premiere Party]
Gina: Oh my God, this place looks incredible!
Joey: I know, huh? Can you believe this is the set? Oh, right over here is where I deliver this amazing monologue where I tell my daughter that her mother died and it may have been my fault. The whole crew was crying. And then right here, on this tree, is where I taped the script so I wouldn’t have to memorize it, eh?
(Gina and Martin walk off)
Gina: So, Martin, you wanna see how open this bar really is?
Martin: I don’t really drink.
Martin: But, only because I’m on too many prescription medications.
Gina: And I’m back on board.
(Cut to Alex and Carol)
Carol: Come on, Alex. I want to go show you off to everyone.
Alex: Oh, I don’t know what that means, but it sounds like fun. Let’s go!
(Cut to Joey and Michael, Todd approaches Joey)
Todd: Joey, publicity needs you for a cast photo.
Joey: (Bummed) Oh, God, do I have to? Ugh. (Smiles at Michael) Yeah!
(Joey joins the rest of the cast getting ready for the cast picture, Bodie’s mom is fixing his hair)
Bodie: Mom, would you leave it alone? It’s fine!
(Gunnar walks up)
Joey: Gunnar, what are you doing here?
Gunnar: They hired me back.
Joey: But your character’s dead!
Gunnar: Ever hear of a ghost, jackass?
Joey: Ever hear of a breath mint, jackass?
(Cut to Michael, a girl approaches him)
Anna: Hey, I’m Anna.
Michael: Hi, I’m Michael. Nice to meet you.
Anna: You look so familiar. I swear I’ve seen you on TV.
Michael: Yeah, you probably recognize me from the 1994 Scripps-Howard National Spelling Bee. 6th place. Went out on engastrimythic.
Anna: You’re smart. I like that. I was thinking about getting a drink at the bar.
Michael: Uh huh. Well, say hi to it for me.
(Anna walks leaves, Joey joins Michael, he was watching him talk to Anna)
Joey: Boy, Michael, I thought you lost her with that spelling bee stuff but then you saved it with that “Say hi to the bar”?
Michael: I don’t- she just came over and started talking to me. Should I get her a drink, am I supposed to compliment her?
Joey: Relax, relax, Michael. She’s already into you. Okay? And I’ve looked around. It doesn’t seem to be a practical joke, so, I say go for it.
Michael: (Sees Brent Spiner sitting at a table) Oh my God, it’s Brent Spiner.
Michael: He played Data on Star Trek: The Next Generation. It’s like my favorite show of all time. Oh my God, I gotta go talk to him.
Joey: No, no, no, no. You have to go talk to the girl.
Michael: What should I do? I mean, should I- should I get him a drink, or should I compliment him?
Joey: I don’t know how to pick up Brent Spiner!
[Scene: The Deep Powder Premiere Party – Lauren and Joey]
Joey: Wow, Lauren, you look beautiful. If you weren’t my boss, I’d be having some thoughts right now. (Smiles) Whoop.. there they are. Ooh, who’s your friend?
Lauren: Thanks, I guess. You look really nice too, except that, um, your bow tie’s a little crooked and if you don’t fix it, I may have to leave this conversation.
Joey: Okay, okay, okay. (Straightens his bow tie) There.
Lauren: I’m sorry I was so tough on the tickets. I hope your friends weren’t too disappointed.
Joey: Oh, hey, the rules are the rules, right? As much as they wanted to come, they’ll just have to sit at home like the rest of the 20,000 people and watch.
Lauren: That would be the least rated show on network TV. We’d all be fired.
Joey: Then I have made a terrible wish on a shooting star.
Lauren: (Looks across the room) Oh my God, what is my ex-boyfriend doing here?
Joey: The guy from the phone?
Lauren: What is Martin doing here?
Joey: Uh, you mean that Martin, or a Martin behind him?
Lauren: (Looking at Gina) Look at that women he’s with, and look at her dress.
What is this, the Adult Video Awards? Joey: Uh, forget that. Hey, look over there. Is that the words Deep Powder spelled out in shrimp?
(Lauren walks up to Martin and Gina, Joey follows)
Lauren: Martin, what are you doing here? I thought we agreed you weren’t gonna come tonight.
Martin: I wasn’t going to, but then I was told everyone wanted me here!
Lauren: Who told you that?
Martin: He did! (Points to Joey)
Lauren: Oh really, and did he provide the skank as well?
Joey: Oh, Lauren, have you not met my sister, Gina?
Lauren: (Turns to Joey) Why did you convince Martin to come tonight?
Joey: Okay, I don’t want to blame you, but none of this would’ve ever happened if you’d just given me the extra tickets.
Lauren: Oh, so now this is my fault that Martin’s here (Turns to Gina) with this-
Gina: Call me a skank again and I will pound on you so hard you will swell up to normal size.
Lauren: Speaking of size, whatever you paid for your breasts, it was too much.
Gina: Oh really? 500 dollars is too much?
Joey: Guys, come on, come on. Look, Lauren, how was I supposed to know he was your boyfriend? You’re way too good for this guy!
Gina: Oh but I’m good enough for him?
Joey: Thanks a lot, Martin. You know, you could’ve told me she was your ex. Gina, you know that thing I told him you were gonna do? Forget it!
(Joey walks off, Gina turns to Michael)
Gina: We’ll see.
[Scene: The Deep Powder Premiere Party – Michael awkwardly walks over to Brent Spiner]
Michael: Lieutenant Commander Data sir. Sensors indicate we are go for party.
Brent: One day, just one day without this, that’s all I ask.
Michael: Look, I’m sorry, I just- I had to come and talk to you, because you’re character helped me get through a very awkward period of my life. Starting when I was 14 and ending.. well, hopefully sometime in the next couple years, but can I just ask you a few questions?
Brent: Look, you seem like a nice guy. You can ask me about any of the plays or films I’ve been in. I’d be happy to talk to you about art, music, literature. I’d just rather not talk about Star Trek.
Michael: Okay. So what were the ferengi like?
[Scene: The Deep Powder Premiere Party – Carol and Alex]
Carol: So, you know, I love working on the show, but my true passion is trying to bring women’s field hockey to the 2008 Olympic games.
Alex: Wow, you are so interesting. I really like you.
Carol: I really like you too.
Alex: Gosh, you know, it’s just so hard to find a good girl friend, but this feels kind of right.
Carol: Yeah. Do you wanna dance?
Alex: Okay, girl friend!
(They start dancing, Carla pulls Alex’s head to her chest)
Alex: Oh, we’re doing this now.
[Scene: The Deep Powder Premiere Party – Bobbie , Michael, and Brent Spiner]
Bobbie: Michael! Oh, I thought that was you. Well aren’t you a sexy little fancy man?
Michael: Well, uh, Joey didn’t tell me you’d be here.
Bobbie: He didn’t tell me you’d be here. If he had I wouldn’t have brought Data.
Brent: Bobbie, look, come on. You’re my agent. You know I don’t like that. I was just telling him, I don’t want to talk about Data.
Bobbie: You listen to me, Mr. Roboto. Michael is a fan, and if he wants you to be Data, then you be Data. If he wants you to be R2D2 then I want to hear “Blippity-blop-sqwuark!” I’m gonna give you boys a chance to talk. (To Michael) One day, you’ll return the favor hard.
Michael: Look, if you don’t want to talk about Star Trek-
Brent: No, no, no. I’m sorry. She’s right. Sit down. Please, just, what do you want to know?
Michael: Seriously? Well, I’ve always wondered about your evil twin brother, Lore. When you- when he- when lore- God, I’ve practiced this in front of a mirror so many times. Um, (Sees Anna waving to him) Can you excuse me for just one second, Mr. Spiner?
Brent: Call me Brent.
Michael: (Laughs) Call you Brent. (Looks up) Thank you. (To Brent) One second.
(Michael joins Anna at a table)
Michael: Hey, how’s it going?
Anna: I thought you left.
Michael: No, uh, I wouldn’t leave when a woman of such great pulchritude was here. Pulchritude. That’s a word I spelled in competition once. That’s P-U-L-C-H-R-
Anna: Spelling is totally hot.
Michael: Totally hot. (Looks up) Are you kidding? (Sees Brent walking out the door) Oh my God, Brent’s leaving.
Anna: The guy from Independence Day?
Michael: Yeah, Independence Day. Good. That’s good. I’ll be right back.
(Cut to Joey walking past Alex and Carol dancing)
Joey: Howdy boys.
(Walks up to Bobbie)
Joey: Bobbie, hey. Thanks so much for coming.
Bobbie: I got an advanced copy of the show. You were fabulous.
Bobbie: Yeah, I laughed my butt off!
Joey: It’s a drama.
Bobbie: Oh, no, I don’t think so.
(Bobbie leaves, Joey walks over to Lauren)
Joey: Uh, hey, Lauren. Uh, look, the shows about to start in 5 minutes. I just wanted to make sure you were okay about the whole Martin thing.
Lauren: You are the most frustrating human being I have ever met! Joey: (Looks at his watch) Okay, 4 minutes, 40 seconds. You’re not crying, I think I can make an apology in time.
Lauren: You know, I just didn’t expect to see him tonight and it’s just completely thrown me off. Why couldn’t you just stick to the one ticket rule?
Joey: Did you ever think that maybe you have too many rules?
Joey: Really? You don’t think you’re wound a little tight?
Joey: Oh, then what do you think of, I don’t know, this. (Pulls on his bowtie making it uneven)
Lauren: (Fixes it) Don’t do that.
Joey: (Pulls it down again) Don’t do what?
Lauren: (Fixes it again) Stop it!
Joey: Look at that, you proved me wrong!
Lauren: You know what, I just like things to be just so, but I don’t expect you to understand. I mean, this shirt is wrinkled, your hair’s a mess, you’ve got a hangnail. You know, I need a lint brush, Todd!
Joey: Hey, hey!
(Joey kisses Lauren)
Lauren: Why did you do that?
Joey: To calm you down.
Lauren: Oh my God, it worked. Do it again.
Joey: But what about my germs?
Lauren: I’ll boil my face later.
(They kiss again)
[Scene: The Deep Powder Premiere Party – Michael and Brent]
Michael: I felt like the way the show explored the nature of the android, really said a lot about what it means to be human.
Brent: Hmm, I never thought of it that way. I was too busy hitting on Klingon extras. Which, let me tell you, is risky business. Until all that make up comes off, you don’t know what you’re getting.
(A man walks up to Brent asking for an autograph, Anna joins Michael)
Anna: Hey, I’m gonna take off. I was wondering, do you want to come back to my place, have a drink?
Michael: Yes. Y E S.
Brent: (To Michael) Hey, I’m gonna hit the road. You know, I don’t know if you’d be interested, but uh, I keep an old space suit in the car to impress women. You wanna see it?
(Michael looks at Anna, and then looks at Brent)
Michael: I’m sorry. I’m really gonna have to go with Brent.
(Anna walks off)
Michael: She was like a Deltan and a Betazoid all rolled into one.
Brent: You got that right brother.
[Scene: In a dressing room at the Deep Powder Premiere Party – Lauren and Joey kissing]
Joey: Are we making a mistake? Uh, Lauren, Lauren. We are so good together, but this is wrong.
Lauren: Loosen up. You’re wound too tight.
Joey: No. Okay, look, look. This would be amazing, but this is the most important job I’ve had in my life, and I hate to say it, but some things are more important than sex. I may be the first Tribbiani in history to ever say that.
Lauren: You’re right. I was the one with the rule about no on-set romances, and look at me.
Joey: Oh, I’m looking at you.
Lauren: Technically, we’re really not on set.
Joey: (They lean in to kiss, but Joey pulls out of it) Okay, I can’t talk you out of this twice. Let’s get out of here!
[Scene: The Premiere Party – Everyone’s watching Deep Powder]
Sawyer: Come on Captain Powder, you gotta run. The bomb’s gonna ‘splode!
Gina: Oh, there you are. You just missed your first scene. You are so good. I mean, I could kind of tell you were talking to the tree, but it works.
Gina: Oh, yeah. I am so proud of you. The show is good.
Bobbie: (Laughing) Oh, God.
Martin: (To Bobbie) Hey, could you keep it down?
Bobbie: I am not gonna keep it down. That’s my client. He’s the funniest thing in this.
(Bobbie continues laughing, Joey smiles)
[Scene: The Deep Powder Premiere Party – Carol and Alex]
Alex: Whoo, you could teach my husband a thing or two about dancing.
Carol: You’re married?
Carol: Great, my last girlfriend was married. I’m never gonna go through that again.
Alex: Well why can’t I be married and still have you as a girl friend?
Carol: Wouldn’t you feel like you’re living a lie?
Alex: (Confused) Yeah, I guess a little.
Carol: You call me when you’re ready to be honest to yourself.
Alex: Okay. Wait, are we still going to…?