[Scene: Joey and Michael’s Apartment – Michael, Gina, and Joey]
Gina: (Takes the lasagna out of the oven) Okay, lasagna looks good.
Joey: Ooh, I can not wait. Huh, Michael?
Michael: Eh. I just don’t get that excited about food, you know? If I could just take a pill once a day instead of eating, I’d be happy.
Joey: Yeah, if they make that than I get your food.
Michael: All right, than I get your pill.
Joey: Yeah, you just try to take it!
Alex: Hey, guys.
Michael: Hey, Alex. Mom made some lasagna. You wanna join us?
Alex: Oh, no, that’s okay. I have a healthy frozen dinner in the microwave. It only has 4 grams of- (Watching Gina put lasagna on a plate) Oh God, real food!
Gina: What kind of piece would you like?
Alex: What do you mean? Are there different kinds?
Joey: All right, class is in session. There are 4 distinct types of lasagna pieces, okay? Now the corners are known as the “corner pieces,” also known as.. (Looks to Michael for the answer)
Michael: The Joey.
Joey: And we have the edge pieces (Points out the outer part of the lasagna) Here, here, here, and here. And we have the middle.
Alex: And what’s the fourth kind?
Michael: The piece with Mom’s hair in it.
Joey: Mm hmm.
Gina: And today there’s a fifth kind. (Holds up her finger) I lost my nail in there.
Alex: Um, I guess I’ll have a middle.
Gina: (Sigh) She would go for that. (She says something in what sounds like Italian to Joey. Joey says something back, also in Italian)
Alex: (To Michael) Are they talking about me in Italian?
Michael: No, they can’t speak Italian. They just like to pretend they can.
Alex: (Eats a bite of lasagna) Gina, this is incredible. You gotta teach me how to make this. (Alex quickly eats mouthfuls of lasagna while saying “Mmm..” after each bite. Gina, Michael, and Joey just watch her eat, shocked)
Gina: Dear God, look at her.
Michael: I know, it’s- it’s disgusting.
Joey: I love you.
[Scene: The Deep Powder stage – Joey is shooting a scene]
Lauren: And.. action!
Joey: I don’t know if I can do this. I haven’t been with anyone since my wife died 3 weeks ago.
Ivana: I think I can make you happy.
Lauren: No! Cut!
Lauren: He’s fragile here. I need you to look into his eyes. Ugh, here. I’ll show you. (Lauren starts to put her hands on Joey’s face, but quickly backs off) Ew. Skin. Germs. Gloves! (A person from the set brings Lauren a pair of gloves and she puts them on) It should be like this. (She grabs Joey and looks into his eyes) I think I can make you happy.
Joey: Hey.. you have freckles.
Lauren: Joey, focus. I think I can make you happy.
Joey: I wanna be happy.
Lauren: Then let me do this. (She leans in to kiss him but backs away quickly) I want it more like that.
Joey: Wow, that was good. Do it like that!
Lauren: And then we’ll end the scene with your daughter running in and interrupting you. Okay? So why don’t we all take 5 and then we’ll come back and finish shooting this scene. And Joey, five, does not mean five hours.
Joey: Yeah, you made that clear yesterday, thank you. (Lauren walks off, Joey turns to see Katie standing behind him) Hey.
Katie: I didn’t like watching you be all flirty with Lauren.
Joey: Come on, you know I only have eyes for my daughter.
Lauren: Joey, can I see you for a minute?
Lauren: So, you and Katie. What’s going on there?
Joey: Oh, well, I’m a gentleman, so let’s just say I’m still circling the airport but I have been given permission to land, huh? (Joey puts his hand up for a high-five)
Lauren: I’m gonna leave you hanging on that one. So look Joey, I’ve worked on a lot of shows before, and romances between co-stars never work.
Joey: Please, this isn’t a problem. I know how to handle women. It’s the thing I’m second best at in the world.
Lauren: What’s the first?
Lauren: It’s just that this kind of thing can get messy. I’ve seen it happen before.
Joey: If it’s that important to you, I’ll break it off with Katie.
Lauren: Thank you.
Joey: But hey, if I promise to discontinue service to this airport can I make one emergency landing?
[Scene: Joey and Michael’s Apartment – Gina, Michael, and Alex are in the kitchen, Joey Enters]
Alex: (Pouring salt into a spoon) Hi.
Joey: What’s going on?
Gina: I am teaching Alex how to make sauce. She is gonna make a lasagna.
Alex: Yeah, Eric’s back in town tonight so I’m gonna make it for him.
Joey: Oh right, your husband. Say, when you’re ready, I got some questions about why he’s away so much.
Alex: Okay, I’m not ready.
Gina: (Looking at Alex pour the salt into the spoon) What are you doing?
Alex: You said to put a teaspoon in.
Gina: Just go like this. (Pours some into her hand and drops it into the pot of sauce)
Gina: God, you have got to loosen up. Cooking comes from the heart. It is passionate, sensual. You gotta let go of everything. Come on, let’s do some hip rolls.
Joey: (To Michael) Seen enough?
Michael: Oh yes.
[Scene: The set of Deep Powder – Joey and Katie are talking behind one of the cabins]
Joey: Lauren saw us together and she thinks it’s a bad idea.
Joey: She’s against on set romance, even if the resulting sex is guaranteed to be satisfying and vigorous.
Katie: That’s terrible.
Joey: I know this is hard. It’s hard for me too, but it’s our boss. We have to listen to her. Okay, we have to stop. (Joey turns to walk away)
Katie: Do we?
Joey: (Quickly turns back to look at Katie) Maybe not. What do you got?
Katie: Well, what if we’re together but it’s a secret?
Joey: I don’t know. Lauren seemed pretty serious.
Katie: Come on. You are officially cleared for landing.
Joey: That is a strong argument.
Joey: Okay, but if we’re gonna be together in secret we’re gonna have to be really really careful.
Katie: Well, it’s not like Lauren’s gonna catch us. She’s gonna be too busy washing her hands to notice.
Joey: (Laughs) Well, no one’s watching us now.
Katie: Wait, is that camera on? (Points to the camera that Lauren’s watching them through)
Joey: Uh.. no, I can tell when it’s on. (Puts his face right up in the lens) Yeah, it’s off.
[Scene: Joey and Michael’s Apartment – Gina, Joey, and Michael, Alex Enters]
Alex: Hey, Gina, that lasagna turned out so well. My husband loved it. And I played with the recipe a tiny bit - added a secret ingredient, and I think it might’ve turned out better than the one you made.
Joey: Uh.. she didn’t mean better.
Michael: I thought you said different.
Joey: Yeah, Mm hmm.
Gina: (Doubtful) It turned out better than mine?
Alex: I didn’t mean it as an insult. You taught me. You should be happy that I improved it.
Joey: Oh.. (Looks at Alex) She had such a pretty face.
Gina: I wanna taste it.
Alex: We ate it all.
Gina: Make another one.
Alex: But you’re just gonna say it’s not good.
Gina: Then we’ll have a taste test and they’ll judge. (Looks at Joey and Michael)
Joey: Exactly where I hoped this was going!
Michael: Wait a second, taste test? Doesn’t anyone here have a job?
Gina: What do you say, we on?
Alex: No, I am not having a lasagna taste test.
Gina: Why? Is fear your secret ingredient?
Alex: You’re on!
Joey: (To Michael) For a second there, I thought it wasn’t gonna happen, but then she said the thing and now they’re doing it.
Michael: Yeah, we were all here, Joey.
Gina: (Picks up her bag) Okay, I’m gonna go home and get started.
Alex: (Heading for the back door) Good, I’ll get to the store. I have to go buy my secret ingredient.
Gina: Oh that’s okay, because if my grandmother didn’t need it, and my mother didn’t need it, I don’t need it.
Joey: Uh, you said the same thing about therapy. I’m not sure you’re right.
Michael: This is stupid. I don’t wanna do a taste test.
Joey: Do this for me. I help you with all your tests.
Michael: Well that’s just not true.
Joey: Come on, just play along.
Michael: No, it’s not that. I’m not gonna be able to tell the difference, okay?
Joey: All right, here’s what we’ll do. Just pick the lasagna I pick. I’ll know which is which.
Michael: Yeah, but-
Joey: No, no, no. I have a secret weapon; a finely tuned instrument that is able to pick up the most subtle flavor differences. (Sticks out his tongue) I’ll show you! I’ll show you. Go ahead. Just put anything in my mouth. Go ahead. (Closes his eyes and opens his mouth – Michael walks away) Michael. Michael? (Opens his eyes to see that Michael isn’t there) That’s a good one.
[Scene: The set of Deep Powder]
Lauren: That’s it, Brian, thank you. Okay, let’s set up for the scene with the bear.
Joey: (Realizing Lauren can see them) Oh, hey, Katie. Didn’t notice you there.
Lauren: Joey, I’d like to see you in my office please.
Joey: Aw, I just went there!
Katie: What is going on with you two?
Katie: She wants to “see you in her office?” And yesterday there was that scene she was just “helping you with?” I saw the way you were looking at her.
Joey: I was acting.
Katie: You’re not that good of an actor.
Joey: Am I the only one who thinks I’m good?!
[Scene: Lauren’s Office]
Joey: What’s up?
Lauren: So, you and Katie had a little talk?
Lauren: I’m having a hard time believing you broke up with her.
Joey: Oh, are you talking about when we were just together on the side of the cabin, when I was helping her get that splinter out of her tongue?
Lauren: Let me show you something, Joey. (Turns on the TV she was watching Joey and Katie through the day before) I have a live feed of the stage.
Joey: I guess it’s show-off time.
Lauren: (Pointing to the screen) This is where you were standing yesterday when you and Katie decided to have a “secret relationship.”
Joey: But I looked at the camera; the red off light was on!
Lauren: I also heard you laughing about how Lauren will never know ‘cause she’ll be too busy washing her hands! I was a little late, because I was in the bathroom washing my hands, but I got the gist!
Joey: Okay look, I’m sorry. We messed up, but the thing is we’re both adults, okay? And if we think we can handle this, isn’t that our decision? I mean, as long as it doesn’t affect the show.
Todd: Katie has locked herself in her dressing room and she won’t come out because she says she hates Joey!
Joey: Oh God, I’m so sorry. (Looks at the TV and laughs) The prop guy’s picking his nose.
[Scene: The hallway outside Katie’s dressing room]
Joey: Let’s see if I can get her out.
Lauren: You have to. We’re supposed to be shooting a very expensive scene right now. I know guys like you; when a woman is upset you have ways of calming her down, so do it!
Joey: Okay. (To Lauren) Listen, Lauren, this is gonna be okay-
Lauren: Not to me!
Joey: Right, right.
Lauren: When you knock, I have to knock.
Joey: (Sweet voice) Katie, honey, it’s me Joey.
Katie: Go away! Where’s your girlfriend, Lauren?
Joey: She’s right here. She’s not my girlfriend. I don’t find her attractive at all. (He turns to look at Lauren and shakes his head to show that he’s not serious. Lauren sarcastically wipes her forehead and mouths “phew.”)
Todd: Lauren, we have got to get started. The crew’s about to go into overtime, and if we take much longer we are going to have to feed the bear!
Joey: We’re using a real bear? I thought it was a guy in a suit; I kicked him!
Lauren: Just- just give me a minute!
Lauren: You have got to get her out of there.
Joey: But what happens if I can’t?
Lauren: Well, I’d have to check but I’m pretty sure you’d be fired. Wait a minute, yep.
Joey: Oh! Wait, I know someone who can help us. (Takes out his cell phone and calls Bobbie)
Joey: (On phone) Hey, Bobbie, listen. I got myself into a situation. It’s bad.
Bobbie: Okay, here’s the game plan. Flush the drugs, throw the gun in the river, we’ll tell everyone it was exhaustion.
Joey: (On phone) No, no, no, no. I need you to come down to the set. I’ve been seeing my daughter on the show and she’s locked herself into her dressing room and now we can’t do the scene with the bear!
Bobbie: Every time I’m about to give up on this business something wonderful like this happens. I’ll be right there. (Hangs up)
Joey: Okay. (Hangs up)
Lauren: Who was that?
Joey: My agent, Bobbie. If anyone can get her out of there, it’s her. She is an amazing negotiator; that’s how she got me such a great contract on this show.
Lauren: (Laughs) Thanks, it feels good to laugh.
[Scene: Joey and Michael’s Apartment – Gina, Alex, and Michael]
Gina: All right, let’s set up this taste test.
Alex: Okay, Michael, turn around. I’m gonna mix them up so you can tell which one is whose. (Alex switches the lasagnas around) I, uh, wrote my name on the bottom of mine.
Gina: Well how will we know which one is mine?
Michael: (Turns back around and looks at Gina) That would be the one without Alex’s name on the bottom.
Gina: (Realizing) I hate being the dumbest one in the room! Where’s Joey?
Michael: Let me call him.
Joey: (On phone) Deep Powder’s Joey Tribbiani.
Lauren: Say it while you can.
Michael: (On phone) Joey, where are you? The taste test is about to start.
Joey: Uh, Lauren, is there any way you can handle this for a few hours while I go and judge a lasagna taste test?
Joey: (On phone) Yeah, it’s not looking good. Oh, put your mother on.
Michael: Mom. (Gives Gina the phone)
Gina: (Phone) Hello.
Joey: (Phone) Gina, you’re a crazy woman.
Gina: (Phone) Uh huh.
Joey: (Phone) Okay, I got this high-strung girl who’s locked herself in her dressing room. What should I do?
Gina: (Phone) Well, how much has she had to drink?
Joey: (Phone) She hasn’t had anything.
Gina: (Phone) Well then what are you asking me for?
Joey: (Phone) That’s very helpful, Gina. I gotta go.
Gina: (Phone) Well are you coming to the taste test or not?
Joey: (Phone Well I’m kinda in the middle of something.
Gina: (Phone) You are not coming?
Alex: He’s not coming? (Grabs the phone from Gina) Get over here!
Lauren: Hang up the phone!
Katie: Get away from my door!
Gina: (Phone) What is wrong with you?!
Joey: Take a breath, ladies!! (Hangs up his cell phone)
Joey: Bobbie, thank God.
Bobbie: Sorry it took me so long. They’ve been reluctant to let me on the lot since I punched David Caruso.
Lauren: (Coldly) Hello, Bobbie. For a second there I thought the bear had gotten loose.
Bobbie: And I thought I dropped one of my earrings.
Joey: Uh, do you two have some kind of history?
Lauren: We dated the same guy.
Joey: (Laughs) That dude does not have a clear type.
Bobbie: So what’s the problem?
Joey: Katie still won’t come out of her dressing room.
Bobbie: Well don’t you worry. I know how to deal with crazy actors; you just smile and tell them what they wanna hear.
Joey: You think you can help me?
Bobbie: (Smiles) Absolutely! (Walks over to Katie’s door) Katie, it’s Bobbie Morgenstern.
Katie: The agent?
Bobbie: The super agent. Entertainment Weekly’s 12th most powerful woman in Hollywood. (Looks at Lauren and Laughs) 67! (Turns back towards Katie’s door) Now Katie, I know you don’t want to talk to Joey, but if you can just give me a minute, maybe I can help you out here.
Bobbie: Oh, she’s tiny too. Maybe I could pick you both up and have you talk to each other. (She imitates a puppet show with her hands)
Joey: So, 67, huh?
Lauren: No small talk.
Bobbie: Great news!
Joey: She’s coming out?
Bobbie: No! I signed her as a client.
Lauren: You did what?
Bobbie: That’s right. My client Katie demands that you fire Joey! (Walks over to Joey) If you fire my client Joey, I’ll destroy you!
Lauren: Isn’t this a conflict of interest?
Bobbie: Oh, no! They’ll send me to agent jail!
Todd: Lauren, we need to either start shooting or shut down for the day. Should I tell everyone to go home?
Lauren: No, tell everybody to stand by. Oh, I have an idea.
Lauren: She wants to be with you so you have to be unappealing to her!
Joey: Lauren, I don’t think we have that kind of time.
Lauren: I’ll tell you what to say, and you just say it.
Joey: Okay, (Walks over to Katie’s door and knocks, Lauren knocks on the wall) Uh, Katie, I have something to say to you. (Lauren whispers in his ear) I really care about you but there are some thing I have to confess. (Lauren whispers in his ear again) I’m cheap and selfish. (Lauren whispers again) You’ll tell me intimate things and I won’t listen. (Quietly) That’s actually true. (Lauren whispers again) I’m not saying that!
Lauren: Do it!
Joey: (Reluctantly) And I can’t land at your airport ‘cause my plane doesn’t work. (Lauren whispers more in his ear) And if I’m being completely honest, I hate your Chihuahua!
Katie: (Opens her door, holding her Chihuahua) Okay, we’re through. Lauren, I’m ready to do this. (To her dog) Come on Carrie Bradshaw.
Lauren: Okay, we can do this, okay?
Joey: All right, we just gotta get through this scene. Knock on wood.
Joey: (Still knocking) It’s just fun.
Lauren: (Still knocking) Stop it!
[Scene: Joey and Michael’s Apartment – Michael and Alex are standing outside the bathroom door, Joey enters]
Joey: All right! I haven’t had anything to eat since I got in the car. Bring on the lasagna!
Michael: We’ve got a problem, all right? You weren’t here, they wouldn’t wait any longer so I had to choose.
Joey: Oh no, who’s did you pick?
Michael: So, now Mom’s so upset she locked herself in the bathroom.
Joey: Should you be in the bathroom?
Michael: So you gotta get her out of there. I can’t do it.
Joey: Oh, I already talked one woman out of a locked room today! She can stay in there as far as I’m concerned.
Michael: She’s flushing the lasagnas down the toilet.
Joey: (Sweet voice) Gina, honey.. come out and talk.
Gina: No. Not until I flush every piece of this lasagna down your toilet.
Joey: Gina.. (Speaks his "fake" Italian)
Gina: (Yells back at him in Italian) Punzo!
Alex: Punzo? She’s a punzo!
Joey: Look, Gina, what do you even care what Michael thinks, huh? He’d rather take a pill than eat your lasagna. Let someone who loves food decide.
Gina: (Pause) So if you pick me, I’m the real winner?
Alex: Yeah, but you won’t get to, ‘cause it ain’t gonna go down like that, biatch!
Gina: Alright, let’s get to the bottom of this.
Michael: Hey, Mom.
Gina: Sleep with one eye open, Michael. One.. eye.. open.
Michael: So, are you sure you can pick Mom’s? I can’t have her mad at me.
Joey: Don’t worry, don’t worry. I have never been let down by the old taster. (Touches his finger to his tongue) Hmm… bear?
Joey: Alright Michael, watch a master at work. (Joey takes a bite of the lasagna on his right) Mmm. Mmm. (Takes a bite of the other lasagna) Mmmm. (Turns around to look at Michael) Uh oh. (Turns back to the lasagnas, takes another bite of the one on the right) Mmm. I pick that one. That is the best lasagna!
Gina: (Picks up the pan of lasagna to look at the bottom) There’s no name on the bottom. Who the hells is this?! Oh, it’s mine! I win! (Jumps up and down)
Alex: (Depressed) Damnit, I actually thought mine was good. (Takes her lasagna and heads for the back door.
Gina: (Guiltily) Hey, you know what? I tasted some of your lasagna before I flushed it down the toilet. It was good.
Alex: Aww, thanks.
Gina: And, you’re a terrible winner. (Alex looks sad) Which I really respect!
Michael: Thank God you picked Mom’s. You know, it’s incredible that your tongue can do that. They tasted exactly the same to me.
Joey: Me too.
Michael: (Confused) Then why were you so confident?
Joey: Because I got the piece with her hair in it.
[Scene: Lauren’s Office – Joey knocks on the door, Lauren knocks on the table]
Lauren: Come in.
Joey: Uh, you wanted to see me.
Lauren: Oh, yeah, since you’re going to be working with a lot of actresses, I just wanted to make sure that you learned your lesson about dating people on the set.
Joey: Yeah, I really did. It will never happen again. But, just to be safe, cast some ugly women.
Lauren: No, Joey. If this show doesn’t have good looking actors, we don’t have anything.
Joey: Hey, uh, Lauren, look. I know I was a problem yesterday but I just wanted to say it was really cool working together. You know, you telling me the right thing to say - me saying it.
Lauren: We make a good team.
Lauren: You know, this may sound crazy, but I was just wondering - do you maybe wanna do something sometime?
Joey: Is this a test?
Joey: What should I say? (Lauren whispers in his ear) Look Lauren, you are a beautiful, brilliant woman but it wouldn’t be right. We work together.
Lauren: That’s a shame Joey, ‘cause I want you so bad.
Joey: Eh, what are you gonna do? (Winks and leaves)