[Scene : Joey and Michael’s House – Joey and Michael]
Joey: Hey, Michael. Who was that girl last night?
Michael: I wasn't with a girl.
Joey: No, the one I brought home. I can never remember her name.
[Knocking on the door – Michael leaves, Joey answers it]
Bobbie: There he is. The star of the new show, Deep Powder.
Joey: Bobbie, hi. Come on in. Wow! What are you doing here?
Bobbie: How would you like to go to Las Vegas and be a celebrity judge? It would be great publicity for your new show.
Joey: Bobbie, I told you. I don’t wanna do stuff like that anymore.
Bobbie: It’s a beauty pageant.
Joey: Anything for the show!
Bobbie: It’s Miss Southwestern USA, but they need you to leave for Vegas tonight.
Bobbie: Well, you weren’t their first choice.
Joey: Oh, okay, alright fine. Uh, what’s involved in judging?
Bobbie: You have to look at beautiful women and rate them on a scale of one to ten. Can you do that, Joey?
Joey: (Surely) I’ll give it a try. Ok, this is great, but uh, why did you come by to ask me? You could’ve just called.
Bobbie: Well, I like to give my clients the personal attent-
Bobbie: Michael! You are here.
Michael: Oh, gosh, uh…
Bobbie: Well, you’re filling out nicely. Couple more months and you’ll be ready.
Joey: Um, okay. You know what – thanks for stopping by, Bobbie. Here you go. (Hands her her purse)
Bobbie: All right. (Stares at Michael and inhales deeply) Oh, yeah!
Michael: You know, part of me thinks I should just-
Joey: She would eat you alive.
[Scene : Joey and Michael’s House – Joey]
Joey: (Looking at pictures of women in People magazine) I’m going to make a great judge. Seven. (Turns the page) Six. (Turns the page) Ooh, four. Aww, what a cute puppy. Eight.
Gina: So, you ready for your beauty pageant?
Joey: Yeah, I’m really excited, you know. I’ve never been in a position before where my opinion mattered. My judgment could change someone’s life.
Gina: Joey, it’s just a beauty pageant.
Joey: (Gasps) You bite your tongue. You are talking about the Miss Southwest-something-something-something.
Gina: Wow, didn’t know you were taking it so seriously.
Joey: Well, yeah. This is a big step for me, you know. It says I’m a part of the community of celebrities, you know. It says that I can be trusted to judge fairly.
Gina: It says that Corbin Bernsen dropped out last minute.
Joey: It does say that.
Alex: Hey, guys. (Hands Joey a packet) I think this is for you. Someone left it by my door by mistake.
Joey: Ooh, this must be my V.I.P. packet for Vegas!
Alex: Oh, why are you going to Vegas?
Joey: I’m judging a beauty pageant.
Alex: My sister did pageants. I find them degrading to women.
Gina: Aw, you jealous of her?
Joey: Oh my god, there’s some great stuff in here.
Gina: Whoa, what’d you get?
Joey: I don’t know if I can share this with you. This is a V.I.P. packet. You guys are just R.F.s – Regular folk.
[Gina steals the packet from Joey]
Gina: Ooh, comped room, free buffet, front row seats to a Celine Dion concert.
Gina: You don’t really like her do you?
Alex: No, no. I just like to go to her concerts as a joke with a bunch of other hilarious people that I met on her website.
Joey: Well you can have these if you want.
Alex: Really?! Wait a minute, is this a prank? Did Sheila from Team Celine put you up to this?
Joey: No, really. You can have the tickets.
Gina: I can’t believe you like Celine Dion.
Alex: Oh, what? I’m sorry it’s not Whitesnake.
Gina: You got a problem with Whitesnake?
Joey: Okay, alright, okay. No one is lookin’ good here. And oh by the way Alex, if you want to catch a ride with me I’m leaving in an hour.
Alex: Okay, great! I’ll go pack.
Gina: Wait a second, why does she get to go to Vegas and I don’t?!
Joey: No one said you couldn’t go. Why is anger always your first response?
Gina: I really don’t know.
Joey: Look, I have a free suite. Why don’t you and Michael join me?
Gina: That’d be fun.
Gina: Oh God, Michael’s not gonna want to go. He hates Vegas.
Joey: Alright, well what if we put him in the car and don’t give him a choice?
Gina: Ooh, I’m supposed to pick him up from Cal Tech. We should kidnap him!
Joey: Ah, yeah. Let’s do that.
Gina: All right. This is really exciting. We’re really gonna go. Wait, I’m not dressed for Vegas.
Joey: Gina, you’re always dressed for Vegas.
[Scene : Joey, Gina, and Alex in a car outside Cal Tech]
Alex: Okay, just so you guys know, ‘cause we’ve got a long drive ahead of us, when you throw trash out of the car, it just comes back here and hits me in the face.
[Michael walks out of the Cal Tech building]
Gina: Ooh, there’s Michael. We shouldn’t tell him we’re going to Vegas. Let’s think of a place we know he’ll wanna go.
Joey: Ooh-ooh, let’s tell him we’re going to go get ice cream. No, no, no. Then he’d be really mad when he finds out we’re not. Now I’m mad we’re not getting ice cream.
Michael: (Walks up to the car) Hey. Why are you guys all picking me up?
[Joey, Gina, and Alex just smile at him]
Michael: And why are you grinning like idiots?
Joey: He’s on to us. Drive!
[Joey grabs Michael by his shirt and pulls him into the car. Gina drives off]
[Scene : A casino in Vegas]
Alex: Oh my god, I can’t believe we’re here.
Gina: (Looks at Joey with his sunglasses on) Joey, come on. We’re inside now. Take off the glasses.
Joey: Hey, hey. I am here as a celebrity judge. Celebrity! Okay, people expect certain flair, all right? The sunglasses say, “You may not know who I am, but yeah, it’s me.” Huh? All right. Fine. (Takes off the sunglasses)
Alex: Oh, I better get to my concert. I can’t believe I’m gonna see Celine. It’s like seeing The Beatles.
Gina: Yeah, except she’s like a bony-chested French-Canadian you want to punch in the face.
Alex: Oh really, I can’t remember what state-of-the-art theater was built in Vegas for Whitesnake.
Joey: (Trying to get Alex to leave) Is that Celine?
Alex: Oh! Ooh!
Joey: All right! Vegas!
Gina: Wow, those girls are hot.
Joey: Hey, hey, hey. That is for me to judge.
Gina: You’re gonna have a fun weekend.
Joey: No, no, no. The rules say I can’t fraternize with the girls. I have to be impartial. Otherwise it would be unfair to the show’s producers, the contestants, and the good people at Mike’s Hard Lemonade and Spike TV.
[Michael Enters wearing a big yellow trucker hat]
Michael: Hey, guys.
Gina: Hey, there you are. So what do you think – we’re gonna have some fun in Vegas?
Michael: I don’t think so. I’m just gonna go up to the room and study.
Gina: Look, I know you didn’t want to come, but I promise we’re gonna have a good time.
Michael: Mom, will you please let me go back to the room?
Gina: No, you’re not going anywhere. Now stop sulking and take off that stupid hat.
[Gina pulls Michael’s hat off]
Michael: I’m not- Mom-
[A woman walks by]
Woman: (To Michael) Hey, nice to see you again, sir.
Joey: Who was that?
Michael: I have no idea.
[A man walks by]
Man: (To Michael) Welcome back sir we’ve missed you.
Joey: What’s going on? How come more people are recognizing you than recognize me?
Michael: All right, fine. I come here, okay? A lot.
Gina: You do?
Michael: Yes, I come here with a bunch of my friends from Cal Tech to play blackjack. We.. we count cards. We win a lot of money.
Joey: Oh my god, Michael’s interesting!
Michael: Don’t use my real name. I’m here under an assumed name.
Gina: Oh, this is too much. I am not buying it.
Michael: Okay, I’ll prove it to you.
[Michael walks over to one of the dealers]
Michael: Hey, Sal.
Sal: Hey, Dr. Rodriguez. You shaved your moustache.
Michael: Yeah, well, the wife couldn’t take it anymore. You know?
[Michael walks back over to Joey and Gina]
Gina: Oh my god. You have been lying to me and doing shady things in Vegas? I have never felt closer to you!
Joey: I can’t believe you count cards. It’s like I got my own rain man. Ooh. (Drops 2 quarters on the floor) How much is that?
Michael: 50 cents.
Joey: That’s spooky.
Gina: I want to count cards with you.
Joey: Yeah, we gotta do this.
Michael: No, I don’t think that’s a good idea.
Gina: Come on, we can rip off the casino together – like a family!
Michael: All right, how ‘bout this. Let’s sleep on it. I’ll teach you first thing in the morning.
Joey: Oh yeah, that’s actually for the best. Yeah, I have an early pageant meeting. Gotta get some rest. You know, go to bed.
[A woman walks up to Joey]
Woman: Were you on Days of Our Lives?
Joey: With her.
[Scene : The Pageant Meeting]
Joey: Hi, Joey Tribbiani. Long-time pageant fan, first-time judge.
Man: Well I’m Jerry, the pageant producer.
Joey: Oh. Hey, sorry I’m a little late. I had kind of a crazy night, but it’s not gonna interfere with my judging duties. I am so honored to be here. To me, there is no more noble endeavor than rating hot chicks. Watch.. (Looks at a woman) Four.
Jerry: That’s my wife.
Joey: Out of five!
[Bob Saget Enters]
Bob: So, Jerry..
Jerry: (To Joey) I want to introduce you to Bob Saget. This is Joey Tribbiani. He’s another one of our celebrity judges.
Joey: Wow, Bob Saget.
[Joey reaches out to shakes his hand. Bob just stares at him.]
Bob: I don’t like to be touched.
Joey: So, wow, are we judging this together? I’m on the same level as you?
Bob: Well, that depends. How much you gettin’ paid for this?
Joey: You’re getting paid?!
Jerry: Okay, everybody, I want to take this opportunity to the judges to the finalists, so here they are. Miss Tucson… Miss Santa Fe… Miss Reno… and Miss Laughlin.
[Miss Laughling comes running into the room]
Miss Laughlin: Sorry I’m late. I had a crazy night.
Joey: Hey, hello again. Nice sash. (Realizing) Ooh..
[Scene : The casino – Gina, Michael, Joey]
Joey: Hey, guys, guys. I just did something bad.
Gina: Okay, here’s the story. You were with me until 10:00. Michael you saw him go to bed at-
Joey: No, no, no, no, no, no, no. It’s nothing like that. I hooked up with one of the contestants.
Michael: Did any of us think that wasn’t gonna happen?
Joey: It wasn’t my fault! She didn’t tell me she was a contestant.
Gina: It didn’t even come up?
Joey: You guys heard every word we said to each other. Okay, now I can’t be impartial. What am I gonna do?
Michael: Well, you could resign.
Joey: Or, I could hook up with the other four finalists.
Michael: Well then none of them will have an advantage. It’ll level the playing field.
Gina: Joey, I gotta say..
Michael: Yeah, please.
Gina: That is brilliant!
Joey: Yeah, yeah. This is too important. I have to preserve the integrity of the Miss Southwestern USA pageant.
Michael: By hooking up with all the contestants?
Joey: Hey, I didn’t ask for the solution to this horrible problem to be wonderful, it just is.
Gina: All right, come on. Teach me this card counting thing.
Michael: All right, here’s how it works. When I want you to come over to the tale to start betting, I’m gonna run my fingers through my hair. Also, we need a verbal signal for you to stop betting. So, my friends and I usually just work the name of a US President into the conversation. So if I say “Garfield..”
Gina: Cat! Hates Mondays! Lasagna!
Michael: Okay, maybe we’ll try something else. Uh, what’s a subject you know a lot about?
Gina and Michael: (In unison) Alcohol!
Michael: Ok, great. All right, so I’m gonna mention alcohol, and you stop. Now one more thing..
Gina: Make it fast. I’m getting kinda full up here. (Points to her head)
Michael: All right. The Pit Boss cannot find out if we know each other. If he does, he’ll take us to the back room, and very, very bad things happen in the back room.
Joey: Hey. Hey, okay. The Miss Southwestern Teen Pageant is in Ballroom B. I almost just go myself in a lot of trouble.
[Scene : The Casino Restaurant – Joey and Miss Reno]
Joey: Hi, I’m Joey Tribbiani – one of the judges.
Miss Reno: It’s nice to meet you.
Joey: So, (Looking at her sash) Miss.. Reno. Where are you from?
Miss Reno: (Laughs) Reno.
Joey: Ah. Okay, this small talk isn’t working. I’ll cut to the chase. I assume you want the judging to be fair and impartial?
Miss Reno: Of course.
Joey: Walk with me. I’m gonna tell you about an interesting way that we can ensure that that happens.
Miss Reno: But I was just going over some literature for my platform statement.
Joey: Oh, well, let me take a look. What issue have you chosen?
[Joey picks up one of her pamphlets]
Miss Reno: Abstinence.
oey: Okay, I’m gonna go build a little momentum and then get back to you.
[Scene : The casino bar – Joey and a woman]
Joey: Oh, Debbie, whatever you just said sounds very interesting.
Debbie: So, you want to come back to my room?
Joey: I’d like that. And you can feel good, because you are ensuring a fair competition.
Debbie: Competition? What competition?
Joey: Are you not in the Miss Southwestern USA Beauty Pageant?
Joey: Then why’d you tell me you were from Tucson?
Debbie: Because I am from Tucson.
Joey: Well, this is just great.
Debbie: Are you coming back to my room or not?
Joey: I’m sorry, you seem like a nice girl. Here. Here’s a pamphlet on abstinence.
[Scene : The casino – Joey, Miss Albuquerque, and Miss Santa Fe]
Joey: Miss Albuquerque, Miss Santa Fe, you two are together. Great. I’m a little behind schedule because someone from Tucson just wasted a lot of my time. So.. you two are both New Mexicans, huh? Do you guys like each other?
Miss Santa Fe: Yeah.
Joey: Really? How much?
Miss Santa Fe: Uh, we’re actually sharing a room.
Joey: That is great news.
Jerry: Joey, we’re having a special emergency meeting. There have been some improprieties with contestant-judge relations. Please come with me.
Miss Santa Fe: See you at the pageant.
Joey: I wouldn’t bet on it.
[Scene : The Beauty Pageant Meeting Room]
Joey: I would just like to remind everyone that I filled in as a last minute replacement for Corbin Bernsen, and I think that that should count for something.
Jerry: Okay, the reason that we’re here is that one of the contestants, Miss Laughlin, has had improper relations with a judge.
Joey: Maybe it was an irresistible judge, and no one’s at fault.
Jerry: The rules could not be clearer on this issue. As a result, we are disqualifying Miss Laughlin from the competition, and we will be passing her name on to the US Council on Beauty Pageants, Dog Shows, and Rodeos.
Joey: Are you gonna disqualify the judge?
Jerry: Actually, since the pageant is in 3 hours, we don’t have that luxury.
Joey: Oh, well, hold on a sec. That doesn’t seem fair. That’s a double standard.
Jerry: I’m sorry?
Joey: Well, it takes two to tango. The judge is just as guilty as she is, and well as much as it pains me to say it, if she’s gonna go, he should go too.
Jerry: I guess you’re right.
[Joey starts to get up]
Jerry: Bob, I think you should leave.
Bob: Nice speech, Gloria Steinem. Jackass.
[Scene : The Casino]
Gina: Hey, there you are.
Gina: How’d your plan work out?
Joey: Oh, well it turned out Miss Laughlin, that contestant I slept with, was even sleazier than me. And Bob Saget thinks I’m a jackass! How’s it going with you?
Gina: Oh, great. I was just taking a little pee break. I gotta get back. This card-counting thing is amazing. We are way ahead.
Joey: Oh, really? I wanna come watch.
Gina: Oh, okay. But the casino can’t know me know each other. So Michael’s “Dr. Rodriguez” and I’m “Victoria from England.” (Normal voice) That’s why I’m talking in this British accent.
Joey: (Sarcastically) It’s good!
Gina: I know.
[They walk over to the blackjack table]
Dealer: Welcome back.
Michael: Yeah, we missed you, Victoria.
Gina: And I missed you, Dr. Rodriguez. Now sit upstraight.
[Joey walks up to the table]
Joey: (In a Texas accent) Hey, ya’ll. Name’s Dusty. Just flew in from Texas, and I got a hankerin’ to watch me some blackjack.
Michael: Oh, God..
Joey: You know what I like about Vegas? You can sit down at a table full of strangers, yet they all feel like family.
Man: Oh, thanks!
Joey: Not you, sir.
Dealer: (To Gina) Dealer bust. You win again.
[The Pit Boss walks over to their table]
Pit Boss: (To Gina) Hi, you’re having quite a run of luck tonight.
Gina: I know.
Pit Boss: I’m Kevin, the Pit Boss.
Gina: Really! Uh, does anyone at this table think I should stop playing and go get some alcohol?
Joey: Why don’t you just order your drinks from a waitress? That way you can keep playing, get a little extra money. Maybe, I don’t know – buy a family member a pinball machine.
Michael: I don’t know. If the lady wants to leave, Dusty, I think you should let her.
Joey: Was anyone talking to you Dr. Rodriguez?
Gina: (Grabs her handful of chips) Okay, I’m done.
Pit Boss: Wait a minute. You’re not going anywhere.
[Gina looks scared]
Pit Boss: …without your breakfast voucher. You’ve had a great night, and I hope you come and stay with us again.
[Gina grabs the voucher with her mouth and leaves]
Joey: Well, adios muchaco.
Alex: Joey! There you all are. I just got back from my third Celine concert. They were identical.
Joey: I’m not Joey, I’m Dusty.
Pit Boss: Wait a minute, you guys all know each other?
Alex: Oh, yeah! These three troublemakers are my neighbors back in L.A. Wow, Gina, you have so many chips. Oh, I bet Michael helped you, ‘cause he’s such a math genius.
Pit Boss: Okay, I want all of you to come with me now to the back room. Now.
Joey: Dag nab it, this sure is one Texas-size mess.
[Scene : The Back Room – Pitt Boss, Joey, Gina, Michael, and Alex]
Pit Boss: Stay right here. I’ll be back.
[The Pit Boss Leaves]
Alex: Is it just me or does that man seem like he was mad at us for something?
Michael: We we’re counting cards. They’re gonna- they’re gonna kill us. You guys, I’m freaking out.
Gina: It’s okay, baby. You wanna know what scared is? Finding out you’re pregnant at 16.
Joey: That’s nothing. You wanna know what scared is? One time this big mouth almost flew into my mouth!
Gina: That does not top my story.
Joey: No? Okay.
Alex: You guys, what are we gonna do?
Joey: Uh, oh! Oh! I know how we’re gonna get out of this.
Michael: What? You’re gonna sleep with all the Pit Boss’?
Joey: No, no. We’re gonna pretend to be dumb, okay? It’s something that works for me all the time. Like, when a girl catches me with someone else, I just go, “But baby, I don’t understand what the problem is. I thought she was you!”
Michael: You want them to think we’re too stupid to count cards.
Joey: Yeah, yeah, Okay now, let me see all of you make a dumb face.
[They all make their dumb faces]
Joey: Gina – good, but you had the shortest distance to travel. Alex – you’re not there. Uh, imagine Celine said your name on stage.
[Alex makes a surprised/dumb face]
Joey: Perfect! Okay, Michael, it still looks like there’s a light on in there.
[Michael makes another dumb face]
Joey: There ya go.
Gina: That’s what I though my son would look like.
Joey: (Hears someone opening to door) Okay, dummy up, dummy up.
[The Pit Boss Enters – Joey, Gina, Michael and Alex are using their dumb faces]
Pit Boss: Look, we know you’ve been counting cards.
Gina: (Acting dumb) Whaaat?
Pit Boss: We’ve got you on camera.
Alex: (Acting dumb) Blugh…?
Pit Boss: You guys are in a lot of trouble.
Joey: (Acting dumb) But baby, I thought she was you.
Michael: (Serious) Just, please don’t do anything to us.
Pit Boss: Look, I’ve got no choice. You’re names are going in the book. All the casinos are gonna know who you are. You’ll never gamble in this town again.
Joey: That’s it? You’re not gonna break our legs or anything?
Pit Boss: I went to the Cornell School of Hotel Management. You got 30 minutes to check out, and I never want to see any of your faces around here again.
[The Pitt Boss Leaves – Michael looks relieved]
Joey: Okay.. 30 minutes, 3 contestants’ room keys, and a case of Mike’s Hard Lemonade. See you guys at the car.