[Scene : Joey and Michael’s House – Gina and Michael]
Michael: Joey’s not back from his date, huh?
Gina: No. God, I can’t believe Donna’s telling him her husband wants to get back together. He’s gonna be crushed. So we have to be here to cheer him up.
Michael: Oh, of course. Man, it’s so weird for me to think of him as vulnerable, and not just because he always puts on a cape and jumps down the stairs.
Gina: Hey, how was your date?
Joey: So great!
Michael: So, you didn’t talk about anything?
Joey: Oh, we talked about everything: movies, sports, those commercials where it seems like Howie Long and Teri Hatcher are married.
Joey: I know. What a weird couple.
Gina: What did she say when you asked her to stay?
Joey: Ah, I didn’t get around to that, but after tonight, I think she might want to.
[Michael and Gina look at each other]
Gina: (Sighs) Listen, Joey. There’s something I have to tell you about Donna – something she should’ve told you already.
Joey: Oh my god, we’re related?! Why so many cousins?!
Gina: No. Ron called her, and he wants to get back together, and she doesn’t know what to do.
Gina: I’m sorry.
Joey: Wow. I can’t believe this. This sucks. There’s no way I stand a chance against Ron. They have years together.
Gina: Joey, wait. If you really want this, you have to fight for her. You have to pull out all the stops.
Joey: I’ve never had to fight for a girl before. I guess I’ve seen people do it in movies, but I can’t just make Donna choose me by winning the Super Bowl with the help of a talking dolphin!
Michael: I swear. We have 500 channels, and all you watch is HBO Family?
[Joey stares at Michael. Michael makes a sympathetic face]
Gina: Joey, look. You have the advantage. You’re here and he’s not.
Michael: It’s true. You know? This is your chance.
Joey: Yeah, you’re right. I can do this. I’m gonna fight for her and I’m gonna win.
[Joey opens up a cabinet]
Michael: No, you don’t need your cape.
[Scene : Donna’s Place. Joey Enters]
Donna: Hey Joey.
Joey: Hey. Look, Gina told me about Ron. We need to talk.
Donna: Oh, I hate talking. Wouldn’t you rather make out?
Joey: Look, I like the way you deal with problems, but this is serious.
Donna: Joey, I’m sorry. I’m just so confused.
Joey: Well I’m not. Okay, and I’m willing to do whatever it takes to make this work, but I need you to decide what you want. Now it’s obvious how I feel, but you have to figure out how you feel. I’ve only been on the receiving end of that speech, so if you want advice on what to do now, I like to pretend I see someone stealing my car and just run out the door.
Donna: I just feel so torn. Ron and I have a lot of history, but on the other hand, things haven’t been good with him for a long time, and I feel like things could be great with you, but I don’t know!
Joey: Then give me a week. Okay? Let me show you what this could be. Let me prove to you that you should be with me instead of Ron.
Donna: I don’t know if I should make him wait that long. I told him about you and he flipped out.
Joey: So what? You deserve to be happy. Let me try to make you happy.
Donna: Okay, I’ll give you a week.
Joey: All right, I’m gonna go plan it. What are your three favorite things?
Donna: Food. Sex. Watching TV.
Joey: See ya, Ron!
[Scene : Joey and Michael’s House]
Joey: Hey, Michael. I’m trying to plan this romantic week with Donna. You know any nice Bed-And-Breakfasts in the area?
Michael: Uh, actually, yes. Mom and I went to a great one in Santa Barbara. They thought we were a couple. They put rose petals on our beds. It was pretty disturbing.
Alex: Hey, guys.
Michael: So you called my friend about your computer, huh?
Alex: Yes, he came by yesterday. Thank you very much.
Joey: What was wrong with it?
Michael: Oh uh, her Unix colonel couldn’t read command line prompts anymore, because the front side bus had stopped communicating with the memory cache.
Joey: (Smiles) I just love that a guy I’m related to says crap like that.
Alex: Anyway, he totally fixed my computer, and the best part is, he didn’t even charge me for it.
Michael: Well yeah, that figures.
Alex: What do you mean?
Michael: Well, you’re a hot girl. Hot girls get stuff for free.
Joey: Yeah, it’s true. It’s in the Constitution.
Alex: Look, I know what I am. I’m not a hot girl. I’m cute.
Michael: You’re a hot girl that doesn’t know she’s hot. Joey was telling me about those.
Alex: No, I know hot girls. My sister is one of them.
Michael: “The even hotter sister” – one of four ways a girl doesn’t realize she’s hot. Along with “Went to a girl school,” “Used to be fat,” and “Is blind.”
Joey: You have learned well, young Michael.
Alex: Okay, well say what you want, but that is not why he didn’t charge me. People don’t see me that way.
Joey: You ever get a speeding ticket?
Joey & Michael: (In unison) Hot girl.
Alex: No, that’s because I talked my way out of tickets using my intelligence.
[Joey and Michael stare at her]
Alex: I am not a hot girl.
[Joey and Michael continue staring. Gina Enters]
Alex: I am not a hot girl!
Gina: I am. What do ya need?
Joey: Great, Okay Gina, you’re the perfect person to talk to. I have one week to convince Donna that she should be with me instead of Ron, and I’m trying to come up with stuff that she might be in to.
Gina: Uh, just give her what any woman would like. Take her away to a nice hotel. Buy her flowers. Take her to a fancy dinner.
Joey: (Writing down Gina’s suggestions) Great, great. What else?
Michael: Um, there’s a cool exhibit at the Museum of Natural-
[Joey pats Michael’s knee and shakes his head in disapproval]
Gina: Oh, you know where you should take her? Michael and I went to this great Bed-And-Breakfast in Santa Barbara They thought we were a couple. They put rose petals on the bed. It was amazing!
Joey: (Sarcastically) You guys should do that again.
[Scene : The Courtyard. Howard is having a yard sale]
Michael: Hey, Howard, Yard sale, huh?
Howard: Yep. Gotta make room for the new Howard. I’m on Atkins, I joined a coed softball league, so look out world! Everything must go, except my chair. I gotta have a place to sit. On account of the gout.
[Michael picks up a robotic dog]
Michael: So, broken, huh? You know, I could probably salvage the motion detector from this, but 50 bucks?
Howard: It costs a lot more than that.
Michael: Yeah, but it’s broken. How about 20?
Howard: I don’t think so.
Michael: Alright, 30?
Howard: How about you stop hogging Joey all the time?!
[Michael gives up and puts down the dog. Alex Enters]
Michael: Hey, hot girl. More free stuff?
Alex: No, I paid for this, and look, I know you think that “hot girl” is a compliment, but I don’t. You should see my sister and the stuff she gets away with. When she wants something she puts on this little act. (Imitating her sister) Oh, what a cute doggie. I wish I had enough money to buy him.
Howard: Oh, you like him?
Alex: I love him. I love you.
Howard: Take it.
Howard: He’s yours.
Alex: So you’re just giving this to me because-
Howard: Yeah. Because.
Alex: ( To Michael) I am a hot girl!
Michael: I told you.
Alex: Oh, that’s so cool.
Howard: Oh great, hog her now too! Come on!
[Scene : Joey and Michael’s House - Michael and Gina. Joey comes downstairs]
Joey: Ok, I’m all set for Santa Barbara. Now, while I’m gone, don’t you do anything I wouldn’t do.
Michael: You mean read?
Gina: So, what do you have planned for Donna?
Joey: Uh, we’re going for a hot air balloon ride, wine tasting, and then horseback riding on the beach.
Gina: Oh, that sounds perfect. (To Michael) We never did anything like that!
Joey: You uh, you think she’ll like it?
Gina: Oh, honey, if she doesn’t, I’ll talk some sense into her.
Joey: No, no, no. You stay out of it. I don’t want you going crazy on her.
Gina: Why do you think I’d do that?
Joey: Please. You’re the only person I know who’s banned for life from two K-Marts.
Gina: I do not respect their return policy!
Joey: All right, I’m gonna go pick up Donna. I am so excited. I just want this to work so badly. I want her to forget all about Ron.
Gina: Oh Joey, don’t worry about him. He’s 3,000 miles away.
Joey: Yeah, you’re right.
[Pounding on the door]
Ron: (From outside) Donna, open up! It’s Ron!
Michael: If he’s 3,000 miles away, he’s loud.
[Gina lets Ron in]
Gina: Ron, what are you doing here?
Ron: I’m taking Donna back to New York. And while I’m at it, I figured I beat the crap outta Joey Tribbiani.
[Ron walks up to Michael, thinking he’s Joey]
Ron: What do you think of that, Joey?
Michael: Um, actually..
Joey: Kick his ass, Joe!
Michael: Uh, look, I’m not Joey, okay? (Points to Joey) He’s Joey.
Ron: Damnit, it’s never the skinny guy. Listen, I came here to get Donna. I’m not going back without her.
Gina: She’s not staying here. She’s-
Joey: Gone. Yeah. She uh, said it was over between us. (Pretend cries)
Ron: What, she just took off? I guess I could try to call her. Can I use your phone?
Joey: Yeah, yeah, sure. Whatever you need buddy. Here. (Hands Ron the phone) You want some privacy?
Ron: Yeah, that’d be great.
[Ron goes outside]
Gina: What are you doing?
Joey: You said you wanted me to fight for her? Okay, I’m fighting for her.
Michael: But you just lied to that guy. That’s wrong.
Gina: Michael! You embarrass me.
Joey: Look, Ron’s had 5 years to prove they should be together. All I want is my one week. And if I have to be crafty, okay, then I will.
Gina: Then why’d you give him the phone and let him call her?
Joey: ‘Cause I suck at crafts! Okay, we can’t let them talk. What do I do?
[Gina holds up the phone cord]
Joey: Gina! I’m not gonna strangle him with the phone cord. Oh, I get it, okay. Got it.
Michael: All right, so what are you gonna do?
Joey: Well, uh, okay, I’m just gonna take her away like I planned. Right?
She doesn’t even have to know he was here.
Gina: You go get Donna. I’ll take care of Ron. I’ll make sure he doesn’t get in your way.
Joey: Okay, you think you can keep him in the dark the whole time I’m gone?
[Ron comes back inside]
Ron: I tried calling but the phone went dead.
Gina: Uh, there was an earthquake. All the phone lines in the city are down.
Ron: Really? Ooh, wait. (Stumbles backwards) Was that an aftershock?
Gina: (To Joey) I think I can do it.
Joey: You’ll be okay. All right.
[Scene : Gina and Michael in the Courtyard]
Gina: (Reading a travel book) Oh, how about this place for our next trip? “nestled in the heart of wine country, private hot tubs, fireplaces in every room, a lover’s paradise.”
[Michael looks at her]
Gina: What? Get a girlfriend and I’ll stop doing this.
Alex: hey. I got a free muffin at the coffee shop.
Michael: See, what’d I tell you? Mom, Alex has discovered that as an attractive woman, she can get stuff from people.
Alex: Yeah, now I’ve got Howard moving boxes down to storage for me.
[Howard walks by carrying a box]
Howard: This one’s really heavy. (Stammers)
Alex: This is so exciting.
Gina: Wait, all you’re having Howard do is move stuff for you? You could do a lot better than that, believe me.
Alex: What kind of stuff have you gotten?
Gina: Hmm. Free drinks, flight upgrades, concert tickets..
Michael: Piano lessons, SAT Prep courses..
Alex: Wow, the free muffin is like nothing. I guess I should think bigger.
Gina: you better, ‘cause when you’re on your deathbed, you don’t want to look back on your life and say, “I wish I had more free stuff.”
[Ron sticks his head out the front door]
Ron: Are the earthquakes over? Can I come out now?
Gina: No. We’ll tell you when. Get back in the closet.
[Scene : The Bed-And-Breakfast in Santa Barbara]
Donna: Oh, this place is so romantic. Don’t you love bed and breakfasts?
Joey: I’ve never actually been to one before which is weird because beds and breakfast are my two favorite things.
Donna: I bet I know what number 3 is.
Joey: Yeah. Baby Tigers. Oh in the morning, would the lady like A Los Angeles Times or a Mew York Times?
Joey: Excellent choice.
[Donna takes out her phone]
Joey: What are you doing?
Donna: I just wanna see if anyone called.
Joey: No, no. Don’t check your phone.
Joey: Because we’re here to get away from all this stuff. What’s so important that it’ can’t wait a couple of days?
Donna: Well, my ister was supposed to have a baby.
Joey: Shhh, let all those worries just wash away. Come on, let’s have some time just the two of us.
Donna: Well that does sound nice.
Joey: This is gonna be so great.
[Joey lifts her up and throws her on the bed which is covered in rose petals]
Joey: I have so many plans. We’re gonna go horseback riding, wine tasting, hot air balloon ride.
Donna: See, this is so wonderful. This is why I want to be with you.
Joey: You do?
Donna: Well yeah. Ron would never do anything like this. He never made an effort to let me know he cared. You’re about the big gestures. You’re fighting for me. He’d never fight for me.
Joey: Uh-huh. Yeah, um.. but you guys had other problems, right? I mean, what you had was never really special.
Donna: I wouldn’t say that. We were married. I may have blacked out for most of my wedding day, but I remember those vows.
Joey: Uh, if Ron were to do something to show you that he cared, like I don’t know, fly cross-country and beg you to come back, would that make a difference?
Donna: It doesn’t matter. He’d never do that.
Joey: Okay, look Donna. I uh.. I have to tell you something.
Joey: You know how you said it was great that I brought you here, and that Ron wouldn’t do this kinda thing? Well, that’s not entirely true.
Donna: You didn’t really bring me here?
Joey: Oh, God, I’m gonna miss you so much.
[Scene : Gina and Alex in the front Courtyard]
Alex: Oh, hey. I wanted to tell you that I decided to take it to the next level with the whole “hot” thing.
Gina: Oh yeah? Good for you.
Alex: yeah, there are men in our apartment right now working, and I’m working it right back if you know what I mean.
Gina: Do you know what you mean?
Alex: “It” is my butt, maybe?
Gina: Sure, why not.
[Alex starts reading her mail]
Alex: Oh no.
Alex: this is a bill from that guy who fixed my computer the other day. Ugh, I knew it. I’m not hot. I’m just cute. Oh my god, I think I stole that muffin.
Gina: Oh, hang on a second. This does not mean you are not hot. It just means you’re not “80 dollars hot.”
Alex: What about the guys in there? That’s a lot more than $80.
Gina: What are you having them do?
Alex: Stereo system. In wall.
Gina: I’ll take care of this.
[Scene : Joey and Michael’s House - Michael and Ron. Gina enters]
Gina: I rock. I just got Blondie a new stereo system at cost, with free instillation, plus a trade discount… from a gay dude.
[Joey and Donna enter from the back door]
Ron: Hey, it’s Joey and Donna. Wait a minute.. She was with you the whole time?
Joey: Look, I know you’re mad at me, and you probably wanna kick Michael’s ass, but I’m trying to do the right thing, okay? And, I think you two should be together. So, why don’t you guys talk.
[Joey walks over to Michael and Gina. Ron and Donna continue talking]
Donna: So, what do you have to say to me?
Ron: I don’t know. What do you have to say to me?
Donna: I don’t know. What do you have to say to me?
Ron: I don’t know. What do you have to say to me?
Joey: Okay! Okay, uh, I don’t wanna speak for Donna, but I really want this night to be over, so.. Ron, Donna loves you. When we were driving over here, she told me that you understood her better than anyone in the whole world. And that she wants to spend the rest of her life with you, her soul mate.
Ron: (To Donna) That’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever said to me.
Joey: Donna, this guy has so much passion for you that he flew all the way across the country to say he loves you and that he’s not going back to New York without you.
Donna: (To Ron) I’ve never heard you talk like this before.
Joey: Okay, so I got you started. You guys can take it from here.
[Joey joins Michael and Gina again, while Ron and Donna talk]
Ron: …I miss doin’ you so much!
Joey: Okay! Let’s call it a night.
Donna: Bye, Gina.
Gina: Take care.
Donna: Oh, and Joey-
Joey: it’s ok.
Donna: No, I need to say this. I just.. it was real.. you know.
Joey: I know. It was great, and in another time, another place, it could have been something more.
[They hug. Donna Leaves]
Joey: I’ve never been the smartest person in the room before. That’s a lot of work!
Gina: I am so sorry, honey. That couldn’t have been easy.
Joey: It wasn’t. It just hurts so much.
Michael: Well, if it makes you feel any better, it could be worse. Once at this high-tech conference, me getting dumped by a girl was accidentally broadcast to lecture halls on 4 continents.
Joey: I feel like I’ve seen that.
Michael: It’s been going around the internet.
Gina: I’m so sorry it didn’t work out.
Joey: Me too. It was just nice having someone to take care of and do nice things for.
Joey: Yeah. I mean, usually eith me it’s “How little can I do?” and “How fast can I move on to the next thing?” Maybe- maybe I’ll try a little more of this.
Gina: You want me to fix you up with someone?
Joey: Uh, no. I think I’ve had enough of your friends for a while.
Michael: You want me to fix you up with someone?
Joey: (Laughs) Thanks, Michael.
[Scene : Joey and Michael’s House. Joey is sitting at the table. Alex Enters]
Alex: how you doing?
Joey: Eh, I’m working on an audition for tomorrow. I thought maybe I could use all this heart ache and stuff. You know, make my performance more powerful. Check it out. “Oh boy! Spicy sausages. Mama Mia!”
Alex: (Laughs) Oh, well I’m sorry you got left alone this weekend. Where are Michael and Gina anyway?
[Scene : Michael and Gina at the Bed-And-Breakfast in Santa Barbara]
Gina: Aw, this place is the just the way I remembered it.
Michael: (Looks at the bed) Yep, there’s those rose petals.