[Scene : Joey and Michael’s House. Michael and Gina are in the kitchen. Joey comes downstairs]
Joey: Geez, Gina. I can smell your perfume from the top of the stairs.
Gina: I’m not wearing any perfume.
[Gina and Joey look at Michael]
Michael: The uh, the bottle said “unisex.”
Gina: How are you this morning?
Joey: I don’t know. I’m a little frustrated about my career. I mean, I came out her a couple of months ago with all these goals and I haven’t achieved any of them.
Michael: Like what?
Joey: I haven’t been on the cover of a magazine. I haven’t been nominated for an award. I haven’t been on even one “Best Dressed” list. What’s up with that? (He’s pulls at his t-shirt and sweatpants)
Gina: You were in a magazine. Last month you were in People. Unidentified male next to Nicole Kidman.
Joey: Well something good better happen to me soon. I wanna feel like I made the right decision moving out here.
Michael: Joey, why don’t you so something about it?
Gina: Yeah. Call your agent. Light a fire under her. Ooo. Let me do it. I will rip her a-
Joey: No, no, no. I’ll do it, but you’re right. Yeah, I should call her. I need work. Not being on TV’s even starting to affect my love life.
Michael: What? No.
Joey: Last night I went out to meet a girl. You know, for sex. And I realized when I moved out here, I lost a big part of my rap. I’m no longer “Joey Tribbiani, star of Days of Our Lives.”
Michael: Lines like that actually work?
Joey: Well, not as good as your man perfume. Now that I don’t have that, things are harder.
Michael: You know, I gotta say, I hate to delight in this, but it’s kinda of nice that for once you’re having a problem with women. I mean-
[A woman walks downstairs, clearly she slept over with Joey]
Woman: Hey, Joey. Thanks for a fun night.
Joey: Oh, yeah.. you take care.
[She leaves. Michael and Gina look at Joey]
Joey: I said it was hard. I didn’t say it was impossible.
[Scene : Bobbie’s Office.]
Bobbie: (On the phone) Oh, well he’s just walking in right now. I’ll tell him (Hangs up) Great news, Joey. I just got you the lead in an Industrial Safety video!
Joey: What? No, no, no, no. I don’t wanna do anymore stuff like that. Look, Bobbie, I came to LA to take the next step in my career, and I feel like I’m taking a step back. You know, you got me doing these lame auditions, lousy commercials, that Mystery Dinner thing at Ted Danson’s house? I need things to change. Now.
Bobbie: Ooh, there’s the fiery Latin heartthrob that I took a chance on.
Joey: I’m not Latin, I’m Italian.
Bobbie: Italian? Oh. No! Italians are out this year. It may be time for you to call in your boy band connections.
Joey: I wasn’t in a boy band.
Bobbie: I can’t catch a break!
Joey: Look, Bobbie, you gotta do whatever it takes to get me something -- and something good. Otherwise, I’m gonna go out and find someone else who will.
Bobbie: Okay, look. Just give me one more chance. I will find you
something. There’s going to be no more celebrity parties, okay? No more cheesy commercials. Oh, and when you get home, just delete the message about MCing the dog show.
Joey: Alright. Okay. That’s more like it. Now, is there anything I can do on my end?
Bobbie: yeah, it’d be great if you had some connections. Who have you met in this business who’s powerful? I mean, someone who loves you, someone you trust?
Joey: Well.. just you, I guess.
Bobbie: Oh.. you sweet thing, come here. (She hugs him) Oh God, I could slap a diaper on you and nurse you right now. Aw, come on.
[Scene : The Courtyard. Alex is having a party. Joey Enters]
Alex: (Talking to a guest) Excuse me, just one minute. (Walks over to Joey) Hey, Joey.
Joey: Hey, Alex. Uh, what’s going on here?
Alex: Oh, I’m hosting an alumni event for Northwestern University.
Joey: No, no. I meant, there’s no mustard for the pigs-in-a-blanket? Where’s your head at, girl?
Alex: I’ll take care of it.
[Joey sees a guy across the room]
Joey: Hey, hey Alex. That guy looks familiar, but I can’t place him. Usually when I have that feeling it’s someone I slept with, but I don’t think it’s that.
Alex: (Laughs) He’s a movie producer.
Joey: Ooh. Hey, can you introduce me to him? My agent said I need to make some Hollywood connections.
Alex: Oh, yeah, sure. (To the movie producer) Hey, Steve. Come here. This is uh, my friend, Joey Tribbiani. He’s an actor. He just moved here from New York a couple of months ago.
Steve: Hey. Steve Carpenter. Nice to meet you.
Joey: Yeah, you too.
Alex: Now if you’ll excuse me, there’s a girl in there I hated in college and I’m now more successful than.
Steve: So, Joey, you don’t look familiar. Are you a Wildcat?
Joey: Well uh, I don’t like to brag about it, but I do okay.
Steve: You can go ahead and brag. We’re all proud we went to Northwestern. Go Wildcats!
Joey: Oh, I thought you meant..
Steve: Ya know, you should come in and audition for me some time.
Steve: Yeah, we like to look our for our own. That’s why they call us the Northwestern Mafia. Well, we’ve got alumni at every studio, network, and major talent agency in this town.
Joey: Then I am really glad I went there! Go, Wildcats!
Steve: Say, what year did you graduate? Wait, let me guess. Uh.. ’91?
Joey: Wow. Producer, or awesome year-guesser?
Steve: Now, who do I know that was ’91? Uh, Lance Beckman. Do you know Lance?
Joey: Uh, is he here?
Joey: I was in his wedding!
Steve: You know, if you’re new in town, I should introduce you to the rest of the Northwestern Mafia. It’s too bad. I don’t think there’s anyone else here from ’91.
Joey: Aw, darn. That would’ve been a fun situation.
Steve: All right, come on.
[They go inside]
Steve: ( To a group of guys) Hey, guys. Dave, this is Joey. Joey, this is Dave. Dave is an executive at Universal.
Steve: Mark’s in television.
Steve: And Paul’s a feature director.
Steve: Yeah, Joey’s the class of ’91.
Paul: Oh yeah, what dorm were you in?
Joey: Uh, a different one every night, if you know what I mean.
[They all laugh]
Mark: So what’d you study?
Joey: Uh, not much of anything, I’m afraid.
[They all laugh. Other guests start to sing]
Steve: Uh oh, fight song time. Shall we?
All: (Singing) Spread far the fame of our fair name. Go Northwestern, win that game!
Joey: (Still Singing) And then we’ll- (Notices that no one else is singing) Okay.
[Scene : Joey and Michael’s House – Gina and Michael are on the couch. Joey comes downstairs in a Northwestern t-shirt]
Michael: Where’d you get the Northwestern shirt?
Joey: Oh, I got it at an organizational meeting for next years homecoming.
Joey: (On the phone) Hello?
Bobbie: Joey, I did it! I got you a huge audition for tomorrow.
Joey: That was fast. What happened?
Bobbie: Well, apparently your friend from Northwestern called the producer. And then the producer called me and offered you the position, and I said, “okay.”
Joey: That’s great! Okay, what’s it for?
Bobbie: Well, it’s a sexy new nighttime drama set in a mountain resort. It’s called Deep Powder. It’s Baywatch on skis, and it’s the dumbest script I ever read. It’s gonna be huge!
Bobbie: Yeah, I’m gonna have my assistant fax you the audition scene as soon as I get off the phone.
Joey: Great, Bobbie. Thanks a lot. Bye-bye.
[Joey hangs up]
Gina: What was that about?
Joey: I got a huge audition for tomorrow.
Michael: That’s great. For what?
Joey: It’s a sexy new nighttime drama set at a ski resort.
Gina: (gasps) That sounds fantastic!
Gina: Oh my god, it’s not on against JAG is it?
Joey: No, well, I don’t know when it’s gonna be on. But this is definitely a part I can get, yeah. And it’s all because I told that guy I went to Northwestern. Lyin’ is awesome! Oh, I can’t wait to see the script. Bobbie’s gonna fax it over right now.
[Phone Rings – Joey answers it]
Joey: Hello? Stop calling here!
[He hangs up]
Joey: Damn it, every time I’m expecting an important fax, this jerk prank calls me.
Michael: What does he say?
Joey: Nothing! He just makes this annoying sound. (Imitates a Fax Machine sound)
[Scene : The Hallway outside the audition waiting room – A woman comes out the door]
Woman: Did you go to Northwestern?
Joey: Why, yes, I did.
Woman: Well, I graduated from Purdue three years ago.
Joey: (Confused) So..?
Woman: We’re rival schools.
Joey: Oh, yeah. Grrr. I hate you.
Joey: Uh, Joey Tribbiani.
Woman: Katie Harper.
Joey: Yeah, listen, I got this audition now, but maybe we can get together some time and get to the bottom of this rivalry.
Katie: Maybe we can.
Joey: Yeah, well hey, you should give me a call sometime. (Hands her a card)
Katie: You have your number on a card?
Joey: I do this a lot. But also, you are very special.
[Joey enters the Audition Room]
Joey: Hi. I’m Joey Tribbiani. I’m here to audition for the role of Langdon Powder – the sexy young snowboarder with the secret past. Now I don’t wanna tell you to cancel the rest of your session, but I was born to play this role.
Lady: You’re not reading for Langdon.
Lady: You’re reading for Langdon’s dad.
Joey: Langdon’s dad?! But I’m young and sexy, not some old, gray-haired guy in a dumb looking sweater. (Looks at the guy standing next – an old, gray-haired guy in a sweater) Hey, how you doing, buddy? Good luck on the audition.
[Scene : Joey and Michael’s House – Gina’s in the kitchen. Joey Enters]
Gina: Hey, how did the audition go?
Joey: I did the stupidest thing I’ve ever done.
Gina: Come on, honey. Now we both know that is not true. Did they find out you didn’t go to Northwestern?
Joey: No, no, no. It’s not that. I spent all this time preparing for the wrong role. You know, and they wouldn’t even let me audition. And I would been so great at it. “If thrashing’s a crime, yo lock me up, ‘cause I don’t wanna live in a world where I can’t thrash to the extreme.”
Gina: That is great.
Joey: I know!
Gina: So’d you end up auditioning for the right part?
Joey: No, it was for the father. I’m not old enough to play the father of a teenager.
Gina: I had a teenager when I was your age.
Joey: But that’s different.
Joey: Look, I don’t have time to pretend your life is okay. I have a problem!
Gina: Ugh, Joey, they called you in. You should just audition for the dad.
Joey: But I don’t know if I can pull it off. I have all these heavy scene with my kids in the show. I don’t know how to do that.
Gina: Look, I know this isn’t the kind of role you’re used to doing, but you can’t just give up ‘cause you’re afraid to fail, and I don’t think you’re gonna fail.
Gina: Oh, I hate doing this stuff to your face. Are you gonna make me compliment you?
Joey: I need it.
Gina: Turn around.
[Joey turns around]
Gina: I have seen everything you have done, and you are a great actor. And on top of that, I know you can play a dad because I’ve seen the way you are with Michael, and you’re like a father to him.
Joey: Aww, thanks Gina. Come here, give me a hug.
Gina: God, you’re such a girl.
[Scene : The Courtyard – Alex is on the phone]
Alex: I’ve been meaning to make a contribution, but it keeps slipping my mind. Well, yes, of course. I treasure my Northwestern experience.
[Joey walks out from his house. He’s also on the phone]
Joey: (On the phone) And I treasure mine. Now, if you’re willing to pledge 1,000 dollars-
Joey: (To Alex) Oh, excuse me one second. (On the phone) Ma’am, can I call you back in a few minutes? I’m not able to speak freely.
Alex: (Points to the phone) It’s me.
Joey: (Quietly into the phone) If you can hear me wave your hand.
[Alex waves her hand]
Alex: Why are you calling me from my alumni association?
Joey: Well, I didn’t know it was you. The sheet says “Alexis Garret.”
Alex: That’s my full name.
Joey: Ooh. Sexy.
Alex: Joey, why are you pretending like you went to Northwestern?
Joey: Because your friend Steve though I went there and he got me an audition. Now he’s asking me to do all this alumni stuff. I can’t say no.
Alex: But you’re lying.
Joey: Alex, isn’t doing whatever it takes to achieve your dreams, what Northwestern’s all about?
Joey: Oh. Then what is it about? I have to give a speech at the next alumni dinner.
[Scene : The Courtyard – Joey and Howard]
Joey: Hey, Howie.
Howard: What are you doing?
Joey: Well I got a big audition today, so I’m just going over my lines.
Howard: Can I help? I have acting experience. I was one of the Honeycomb kids.
Joey: Sure. Okay. (Hands Howard the script) You have the first line.
[They both stand there silent]
Joey: Did you have any lines in those Honeycomb commercials?
Howard: No I did not.
[Joey goes inside – Michael is sitting by the fireplace]
Joey: Michael, listen. I’m leaving for my audition in a few minutes. Will you run through the lines with me? (Hands him the script)
Michael: Sure. Yeah. What’s the scene about?
Joey: uh well, I’m being overprotective of my daughter, because her mother died in an avalanche that I may or many not have caused. uh well, I’m being overprotective of my daughter, because her mother died in an avalanche that I may or many not have caused. Yeah, there’s a great speech about it later where I curse the elements. “Damn you, mountain! Bring her back!”
Michael: So, I’m the daughter?
Joey: Mmm hmm.
Michael: Alright, do I have to read it with like a high girly voice?
Michael: May I?
Michael: Okay. Alright, so..
[The door opens – Howard walks in]
Howard: I can do it now. I want another shot.
Joey: That’s ok. Michael’s already doing it.
Howard: Can I be his understudy?
Michael: “Hi, Daddy.”
Joey: “How are you doing? Is something the matter?”
Michael: “Why won’t you let me go to Haley’s sleepover party?”
Joey: “Because, there’s a blizzard coming. You could get snowed in.”
Michael: “You don’t have to worry about me so much. Look at me. I’m a big girl now.”
Joey: “I can see that. I bet your friends think it’s pretty lame that your old man wants to hold on to you so tight.”
Howard: Aww. If I had functional tear ducts, I’d be crying right now.
Joey: Really? Was I good?
Michael: Actually, I got a very strong Dad vibe from you.
Joey: Thanks, Michael. I got a strong little girl vibe from you. Alright, thanks you guys. I’m gonna go get this part. I still gotta go pick up your mom. She’s coming with me for moral support. Alright, wish me luck.
[Someone knocks on the door]
Thomas: Hi, my name’s Thomas Wheeler. I’m here for my Northwester alumni interview.
[Joey slams the door in his face]
Joey: (To Michael & Howard) The guy I met at Alex’s asked me to interview this kid as a personal favor. I completely forgot.
Howard: How are we gonna get out of this?
[Joey opens the door]
Joey: Sorry about that. Come on in.
Thomas: Oh, thank you sir. I brought a copy of my high school transcript, as well as a letter of recommendation from-
Joey: Yeah, I’m kind of in a time crunch here, but you seem like a fine young man. I’m giving you my full recommendation.
Thomas: Well, what about all my questions? What about the English department? Is there a strong pre-law program?
Joey: Uh, college isn’t all about academics, Thomas. So, why don’t you hang out here and have a good time. That’s kind of our motto at Northwestern.
Thomas: Oh, I thought it was “Quaecumque Sunt Vera.”
Joey: No, no. We changed it.
[Scene : The Audition Studio]
Gina: Okay, you go over your lines. I will take care of the competition. (Sits next to one of the men auditioning) Hi. You reading for the role of dad? You like Jager? Huh?
[The camera focuses on Joey. Katie enters]
Joey: Hey, Katie.
Katie: Hey, Joey. It’s good to see you again.
Joey: Yeah, I was thinking about you. There’s a Northwestern-Purdue game on this Saturday.
Katie: Mm, you wanna come over?
Joey: You read my mind. You like football?
Joey: Neither do I. Okay, I’ll talk to you after my audition.
[Casting Director Enters]
Casting Director: Okay, thanks for you patience everyone. We’re going to start reading now. (Looks at Gina) Oh ma’am, I’m sorry, but we’re not reading for the part of Angry Prostitute until tomorrow.
Gina: (Smiling) Oh, I’m not an actress, but thank you!
Casting Director: Okay, uh Joey we’re ready for you now. Oh, and I’d like to introduce you to Katie Harper. You’re going to be reading with her.
Joey: Oh, uh, I thought the scene was with me and my daughter.
Casting Director: That’s right. We cast her in the part. We’re gonna see if you two have chemistry.
Joey: (Worried) I think we might!
[The Casting Director, Joey, and Katie enter the audition room]
Joey: (To himself) You can do this. She’s your daughter… and you’re going to jail.
Casting Director: Whenever you’re ready.
Katie: Hi, Daddy.
Joey: How you doin’? I mean, how are you doing? Is everything all right?
Katie: Why won’t you let me go to Haley’s sleepover party?
Joey: Because there’s a blizzard coming. You could get snowed in.
Katie: You don’t have to worry about me so much anymore. I mean, look at me. I’m a big girl.
Joey: (Voice-Cracking) I can see that. I bet your friends think it’s pretty lame that your old man wants to… hold on to you so tight.
[The casting directors look at each other]
Katie: I-I like it when you do that.
Joey: You’re my special.. little girl.
Katie: I love you, Daddy.
Joey: And I love you too. Now come give Daddy a kiss.
Casting Director: Okay, thank you! Please, never have a daughter.
[Joey goes back out to the waiting room]
Gina: Hey, how’d it go?
Joey: Terrible! Why’s my daughter have to be so hot?! I told you I couldn’t play a dad. Come on.
Gina: No, no, no, no. You go back in there and try it again.
Joey: I can’t. I am too turned on by that girl.
Gina: Joey, you are an actor. Act.
Joey: But I can’t stop thinking about sex.
Gina: You wanna stop thinking about sex?
[Gina kisses Joey]
Joey: Argghhh! What the hell are you doing?! That’s disgusting! You’re my sister.
Gina: And that is your daughter. That is even worse. Now you go back in there and you ask if you can try again.
Joey: Oh, okay. Yeah, you’re right. (Spits) Thanks.
[Scene : Joey and Michael’s House – Joey and Gina get back from the audition]
Michael: Hey. How’d it go?
Gina: Joey sucked the first time, but then I-
Joey: Uh, your mother helped me in a totally normal way.
Michael: So, you feel like it went pretty well, right?
Gina: Wait a minute. What’s that look on your face. You know something?
Michael: What’s the best news I could give you.
Joey: Uh, they fixed the vending machine. Oh, we got a ping-pong table. Oh! Kool and The Gang got back together?!
Michael: Okay, I’m going to have to try this a different way. Uh, you are Langdon Powder’s dad.
Michael: You got the part!
Joey: I got the par- I got the part? I did it! I did it!
Gina: Congratulations! Oh, Joey, I’m so proud of you.
[Gina kissed Joey]
Joey: Okay.. but that’s the last one!
[Scene : A Restaurant]
Steve: Hey, Joey.
Joey: Hey, Steve.
Steve: How’d that audition go?
Joey: Great. Oh, thanks so much for settin’ that up. I got the part.
Steve: All right. Go Wildcats.
Joey: Yeah, but not Purdue. We hate them.
Steve: (Laughs) yeah. Wait a minute, I’m here with your buddy. (Calls out to a guy on the other side of the restaurant) Lance, come here. You gotta see who this is.
[Lance walks over to them]
Joey: Hey, it’s me Lance Beckman.
[Lance looks confused]
Joey: Joey. I was in your wedding.
Lance: No, you weren’t.
[Steve looks at Joey]
Joey: Ok, look Steve. I have something to tell you… this man is not Lance Beckman!