[Scene : The parking lot outside Joey’s building. Joey and Gina are in the car. Joey parks.]
Joey: Huh? I’m getting pretty good at this parallel parking. (He didn’t actually parallel park. He just pulled straight into a parking spot)
Gina: That’s not what this is, but okay.
Joey: You know, it was uh- it was fun site seeing with you. How’d you know where all those celebrities live?
Gina: I’ve done some light stalking in my day.
Joey: Oh, look at this poor guy (Referring to the owner of the car parked next to his) He’s got like 10 tickets and a boot.
Gina: I’ve seen this car. It’s been here for like a month. Who would leave their car like this?
Joey: Well whoever he is, he’s a big fan of mine. He’s got a stack of my head shots in the front seat.
Gina: Joey, when you bought your new car, you did return the rental, right?
[Joey takes out his keys, pushes the unlock button on one of the remotes, and the car beeps to show that it unlocked]
[Scene : Joey and Michael’s house. Joey and Michael are in the kitchen. Gina enters.]
Joey: Hey, what are you doing here so early?
Gina: I just had to get out of that salon. I hate work so much. I knew I shoulda been a corrections officer like that test said.
Michael: You’re still having problems with your boss?
Gina: Yeah! Viktor is such a creep. He’s always standing over me, and criticizing me, and telling me what to do. He’s like mom with a moustache.
Joey: Have you seen mom lately? (Whistles and indicates that his mom does have a moustache)
Michael: Hwy do you work at a job that makes you crazy?
Joey: Easy, college. In the real world, work isn’t always a picnic.
Gina: Please, you make pretend for a living.
Joey: Uh, I have done my time in the trenches.
Gina: Oh yeah, doing what?
Joey: Diggin’! What other job do you do in a trench?
Gina: Oh, I just wish I had my own place. This way instead of working for the horrible boss, I could be the horrible boss.
Joey: Oh, yeah, you’d be good at that. You’re always telling us what to do.
Michael: Oh yeah. (Imitating Gina) “Michael, don’t sit so close to the TV. You’ll go blind.
Joey: Yeah, or uh, “Hey Joey, get your hand outta your pants!”
Michael: Or “Michael, tell Joey to get his hand outta his pants!”
Joey: Well, so why don’t you open your own place?
Gina: Because I don’t have the money.
Joey: You must have some.
Gina: I did. (Points to her chest, indicating her boob job) Now I don’t. Ugh, all right I gotta get goin’ back there. See ya.
Joey: God, she seems miserable. I wish there was something we could do to help.
Michael: You could give her money, to start her own salon.
Joey: I meant like buy her cake.
Michael: You know what I mean. You’ve gotta have some money saved up.
Joey: I do, but that money’s a safety net for me, and besides, it’s not a good time for me to be spending money. I’m in a new city, I don’t have a job, and I got twelve hundred dollars in parking tickets…from a car I still haven’t returned!
Michael: Maybe it’s not a great time right now. It’s not like you have to give her all your money.
Joey: Look Michael, I can’t dip into my savings. Alright, there are harsh realities to being an actor. That money is specifically set aside in case I ever lose my looks.
Michael: What? Why? I mean, even if you turn ugly you’re such a great actor. You’ll still get tons of work.
Joey: That is weak dude.
[Scene : The courtyard. Joey is dipping his feet in the spa, and Alex is cleaning it out.]
Joey: I cannot wait for my entire body to feel what my feet are feeling.
Alex: How many hours a day do you spend in here?
Joey: Well, my record is 9, but uh…I was passed out for five of them.
Alex: Oh, one of the kids lost his little military men.
Joey: Oh, Sergeant Drop-kick!
Alex: So, Eric’s coming home tonight.
Joey: Your husband? Oh great, great. I finally get to meet him. He’s been gone so long.
Alex: I know, but now his orchestra’s playing in town.
Joey: Oh, what instrument does he play?
Alex: The viola.
Joey: (Thinks Alex was trying to say “violin” instead of “viola”) Lin. Violin.
Alex: (Laughs) Thanks. Listen, about Eric, there’s one problem. Um, I mentioned my new pal Joey to him, and I got the impression that he was a bit threatened.
Joey: Come on, by me?
Alex: Yeah, well I told him about the two of us hanging out, and I guess he thinks it’s weird -- his wife doing stuff with a single guy.
Joey: That’s ridiculous. I’ve always had women friends, and there’s nothing sexual about it. I love the way women think. I love the way they laugh. I love their soft hands. I love the small of their back. The curve of their -- oh I see why he’d be upset.
Alex: It’s not like anything would ever happen with us. And it’s a little insulting, like I can’t handle a couple of weeks alone. Like I can’t go that long. Like I just gotta have it, and any man will do.
Joey: Alex, it’s nothing to be ashamed of.
Alex: I do not have to have it.
[Joey looks at her funny]
Alex: I don’t!
Joey: Okay look, he’ll see that there’s nothing between us, and that he has nothing to worry about, and it’ll be fine, right?
Joey: Yeah, and a little tip – Maybe, just maybe, if you knew the name of the instrument he played, he might not feel so threatened.
Alex: No, I know what a violin is-
Joey: There you go!
[Scene : Gina’s hair salon. Gina is cutting someone’s hair, and Joey enters.]
Joey: Hey Gina, sorry I’m late for lunch.
Gina: Oh that’s okay. I’m just finishing up here.
Joey: So uh, where’s this Viktor guy you keep complaining about?
Gina: Well around lunch time he either goes to the gun shop next door or the strip club on the corner.
Joey: Nice neighborhood by the way.
Gina: Tell me about your day. I’m bored stiff here.
Joey: I just found out that Alex’s husband thinks it’s weird that we hang out.
Gina: Well it is a little weird. I mean, a married woman and a single guy…
Lady: (The girl who’s hair Gina is cutting) Uh-oh, not okay.
Gina: Oh, you speak English. (Indicating to Joey how long they’ve known each other) 5 years! Well, you guys hanging out would be okay if you knew her before she was married - which you didn’t, or if you were friends with them as a couple – which you’re not, or if you were gay – which would be okay.
Joey: Would you stop with that!
Gina: (To the lady who’s hair she’s cutting) He’s an actor, the lines are blurred.
Joey: What, so you’re saying I can’t be friends with Alex?
Gina: No, just play it low while her husband’s around. Otherwise he’s gonna be threatened by you. You’re a good-looking guy.
Joey: Yeah, I guess you’re right. (Looks in the mirror) Sometimes I wish I was only an eight and a half.
Viktor: Gina, I have some bad news – no pay check tonight. All money from register went down stripper’s panties. Who is dis? (Points to Joey)
Gina: This is my brother. He’s visiting me.
Viktor: Oh I forgot, this is not a salon. This is “Viktor’s House for Family Reunions.”
Joey: (Whispering to Gina) Uh, I’ll get out of your way.
[Joey sits down and trys to hide behind a magazine]
Viktor: The magazine is only for customer.
Joey: (Sets down the magazine) Okay.
Viktor: So is the chair.
[Joey stands up]
Viktor: So is floor.
Joey: Aw, come on!
[Joey pulls himself up on a coat hook so that he’s not on the floor. Viktor leaves.]
[Scene : Joey and Michael’s house. Michael enters.]
Michael: By the way the Rent-a-car’s still there.
Joey: (Looks at the bow he tied around his wrist) That’s what this is for! Oh hey, I went by your mother’s salon today. I met her boss.
Michael: Pretty horrible, huh?
Joey: Yeah. The guy’s like a Russian Joseph Stalin. I can’t believe she has to work there.
Michael: Well, there is a way to fix that. Give her some money.
Joey: Oh Michael, I don’t know.
Michael: Just think about everything she’s done for you. She found you this place. She- she made it into a home. If the situation were reversed, she’d do it for you in a heartbeat.
Joey: Yeah, that’s true.
Michael: And it’ll just be a loan. I mean, she’ll pay you back. In fact, she’d probably let you name the salon.
Joey: Oooo. The Hair Place. No, no, no. The Hair Up There. No, no, no. Captain Fabulouso’s Cave of Hair! Okay, okay, Let’s do it.
Joey: Yeah, yeah, it’s the right thing to do.
Michael: Oh, can I call her and have her come over so we can tell her?
Joey: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I’m just gonna take a quick dip in the hot tub, so say, two/three hours.
[Scene : The courtyard. Joey walks out of his house. He doesn’t realize there is someone else in the hot tub.]
Joey: (Talking to his soldier toys) Okay, time for relaxation men. You’ve earned it. (Notices the other man in the hot tub. It’s Alex’s husband, Eric, but Joey doesn’t know that.) Oh, hi.
Joey: Sorry, I’ll just try back later.
Eric: No, no, come on. There’s room in here for both of us.
Joey: Uh, not the way I hot tub.
Eric: Alright, well uh, I’ll try not to keep you and your men waiting long.
Joey: What, these? These aren’t mine.
[Joey throws the toy soldiers down, and one falls in the water]
[Eric takes the soldier out of the water and gives it to Joey]
Joey: Thanks. So I uh, I haven’t seen you around here before.
Eric: My orchestra’s been on tour.
Joey: Oh, you must be Eric, Alex’s husband. I’m Joey.
[When Joey reveals who he is, Eric’s smile turns to a frown]
Eric: You’re Joey?
Eric: Oh, thank God! (Laughs) Oh God. Man, that is great.
Joey: Yeah. (Laughs) What?
Eric: No, it’s just that Alex said she’d been spending a lot of time with you recently, and I was just- I was expecting something else. That’s all. Look, it is really great to meet you.
Joey: Yeah, you too.
[They shake hands]
Joey: Uh, so, we’re good?
Eric: (Laughs) Oh yeah. We’re good.
Joey: Why are we good? (Looks at the ribbon tied around his wrist) What the hell is that thing for?
[Scene : Joey and Michael’s house. Joey enters]
Michael: Hey. So, mom’s on her way over and I’m looking at the commercial real estate listings. It’s like-
Joey: Hey! Do you find me threatening?!
Michael: Not until this very moment.
Joey: Alex tells me her husband is paranoid I’ll steal her away, then he meets me and suddenly everything’s fine!
Michael: Maybe he just thinks your not Alex’s type.
Joey: Please, I’ve done it lots of times where no one was anyone’s type. He doesn’t think I’m good looking. I can’t believe this. I’m about to give away my Lose My Looks fund, and now I’m actually losing my looks!
Michael: Joey, you look great. I mean, just the other day you were upon that step stool, and I couldn’t help admiring your calf muscle.
Joey: I kinda knew you were looking.
Gina: (From outside) It’s me!
Michael: Oh, I can’t wait to tell her about the salon.
Joey: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Why do you get to tell her?
Michael: ‘Cause you get to name it.
Joey: Oh that’s right!
[Michael opens the door]
Gina: I’m really trying to imagine what’s so important that it can’t wait until after JAG.
Michael: Alright, come on mom. Sit down. There’s something we want to tell you.
Gina: Oh my god. JAG got cancelled?
Joey: No, sit down. Sit down. Here. (Hands her a check)
Gina: What’s this?
Joey: It’s a loan. It’s not that much, but hopefully it’s enough to get you started.
Gina: Get me started with what?
Joey: Captain Fabulouso’s Cave of Hair!
Michael: Mom, it’s for your own salon.
Gina: Oh my god. Are you kidding me? No. No, this is to much.
Joey: No, no, no, no, no. We want you to have it.
Gina: This must be all the money in your lose your looks fund. Oh thank you. Thank you so much.
Michael: And um, I’m gonna cash in my savings bond too, which I know it’s not a lot of money, but it’s yours.
Gina: Oh honey, you’re so sweet, but I cashed that in like five years ago to help pay for your braces.
Michael: I didn’t have braces.
Gina: You guys are the best!
[Scene : Joey and Michael’s]
Michael: I’m gonna go into my room and study. What are you gonna do?
Joey: Well, I’m luring Alex’s husband over here with a pretend maintenance problem – ‘cause he’s the super, but my real plan is to prove to him that I’m sexy.
Michael: We lead very different lives, you and I.
[Michael leaves. Eric knocks on the door, and Joey answers.]
Eric: Hey, uh, so there’s some kind of problem with the fireplace?
Joey: Yeah, the flue seems to be all clogged up and I was hoping to light a fire.
Eric: It’s eighty degrees out.
Joey: Ah, well I’m always chilly. I have very, very, very low body fat.
Eric: Yeah, well me too. Actually I’m about eleven percent. What about you?
Eric: Okay, I’ll just- I’ll check out the fireplace.
[They walk over to the fireplace. A copy of Soap Opera Digest with Joey on the cover is in the fireplace]
Joey: Oh, would you look at what someone left layin’ around. Soap Opera Digest from 1997. Look at that, huh? Most sexy newcomer – Joey Tribbiani. Who writes this fluff? That’s an old photo too, back from my modeling days.
Eric: You were a male model?
Joey: Well, I was, but I was kicked out of the business for being too promiscuous. So you uh, you look like you could use a hand there.
Eric: Uh, no no, I’m good actually.
Joey: Oh, either way, maybe I’ll just roll up the old pant leg and lend a hand. Oh, barely fits over my muscular calves. Look.
Eric: Okay, alright, I see what’s going on here. You’re gay.
Joey: What? No! But if I was, I would be attracted to myself!
[Eric looks up into the fireplace and pulls out a huge wad of newspaper]
Eric: Well, here’s your problem.
Joey: How on Earth did a wad of newspaper get up there?
Eric: I don’t know but uh, it’s today’s paper.
Alex: Honey, Mel just called. Rehearsal got moved up an hour.
Eric: Oh gees, I better get a move on.
Alex: I’ll hold dinner.
Eric: Oh, no no. Uh, have it with Joey. And I opened a great bottle of wine. Don’t let it go to waste all right? And Joey, be careful, okay? When she drinks, she will want to dance for you.
Alex: So do you want to come over-
Joey: What the hell was that?!
Alex: Oh, okay.
Joey: Your husband wasn’t threatened by me at all!
Alex: Oh, well that’s great.
Joey: No it’s not! Why isn’t he?
Alex: Uh, maybe he thanks you’re not my type.
Joey: Okay, I did not wanna have to do this, but take a look! (He shows her his calf muscle) Why doesn’t he think I’m a threat?
Alex: I don’t know, but if it’ll make you feel better, I guess I could ask.
Joey: Yeah, yeah do that as soon as he’s done playing his viola. Damnit! Now you got me sayin’ it!
[Scene : An empty building. Joey, Michael, and Gina are looking at it for her new salon.]
Michael: Now this is a nice space. There’s good street traffic. There’s great parking. Look, there’s already plumbing for a bunch of sinks. We could put those over here.
Joey: God, there’s so much room, you could practically roller skate in here. How good are you at cuttin’ hair in skates?
Michael: So what do you think of it?
Gina: It seems nice.
Joey: Nice? Gina this is definitely the best place we’ve seen. And once you sign the lease, you can order the equipment and start hiring people.
Michael: And then you can fire people. And you’ll actually have the authority to do it. Not like that time we went to Home Depot and you started firing anyone who wouldn’t wait on you.
Gina: Oh, I mean, I haven’t even said yes to this place and you already have me hiring employees.
Michael: Well yeah, there must be room for like six stylists in here.
Joey: Ah, they’re gonna have to learn how to skate too.
Gina: Six stylists? That’s a big operation.
Michael: Mom, you just gotta use a little imagination. We’re gonna paint the walls, okay, we’ll put some new tile down.
Gina: You’re kinda throwing a lot of stuff at me.
Joey: Ooh! If we put mirrors on this wall, and mirrors on this wall, then the bird and the fish can look at each other!
Gina: Bird and fish?
Joey: captain Fabulouso’s a pirate. Squawk!
Michael: Mom, I think we should take this place right now, ‘cause if we don’t, someone else will.
Gina: Maybe I should sleep on it.
Michael: Come on, you gotta make a decision!
Gina: I- I can’t do this right now. I gotta go.
Michael: What did we do?
Joey: Oh you know what, I bet she wants this to be her place, and we’re totally telling her what to do and taking over.
Michael: Oh, I guess that’s true.
Joey: You guess? Come on, dude, some of your ideas were pretty stupid.
[Scene : Joey’s back porch. Alex is outside. Joey enters]
Joey: Hey, Alex.
Joey: So uh, did you- did you talk to your husband? Did he tell you why he’s not threatened by me?
Alex: Oh, yeah, let’s just forget about that.
Joey: Uh, you did talk to him. I wanna know what he said. Maybe he thinks I’m too attractive -- thinks you could never get a guy like me.
Alex: No..and wow.
Joey: Then what?
Alex: Okay, well, he thinks you’re goofy.
Eric: Well he makes snap judgments about people, and he saw you as this out of work actor who sits in the Jacuzzi all day and plays with toys.
Joey: They’re not toys, they’re heroes, but..okay, all right. Great, mystery solved. Good to know. I’ll- I’ll talk to you later, okay?
Alex: Wait, Joey.
[They walk inside Joey’s house]
Alex: You don’t think that he’s right? That you’re goofy, do you?
Joey: I wanna say no, ya know? Then I look at these drawings of dragons I was doing all day, and..
Alex: But that’s sweet, and there’s much more to you than what he sees. I mean, you’re so good. I see how nice you are to everyone in the building, and to your nephew, and you gave your sister money to start her won business.
Joey: How’d you know that?
Alex: The walls are thin and I’m a little nosy. And, it’s not just the way you treat other people - It’s the way you treat me.
Joey: What do you mean?
Alex: You always ask me about my day. You know I’m lonely, so you include me in stuff. And to be this sweet and as great looking as you are – My husband may not be threatened, but maybe he should be.
[Joey looks at Alex, and she realizes what she just said]
Alex: (trying to cover it up) But, more than anything you’re just goofy.
Joey: Yeah. Yeah, and I got the dragons to prove it.
[Scene : Gina’s house. Joey and Michael knock on the door]
Gina: Come in.
Joey: Okay look Gina, we just came by to say that we’re sorry, all right? We were throwing a lot of ideas at you. Some of them were good, some of them were Michael’s, but we just want you to know that we are gonna back off.
Michael: Yeah, from now on the salon, it’s your project.
Joey: Yeah. You won’t be getting anymore input from us. (Really quickly) Although it would be cool if the fish was a Japanese Fighting Fish. Okay, I’m done.
Gina: You guys, that’s not why I was upset.
Michael: Then what, what was it?
Gina: It’s just, I don’t want my own salon.
Joey: Hey Gina, look, I know what it’s like to start something new. When I moved out here from New York-
Gina: Oh, I can not here this again. People move all the time. Get over it!
Michael: It does seem to come up a lot.
Joey: The point is, it’s natural to be scared.
Gina: I am not scared. Just when we were looking at that place today, I realized I don’t want to start my own business.
Michael: You don’t?
Gina: No. It sounds like a lot of work. Don’t you realize that this is the first time since you were born that I haven’t had a ton of responsibility? And don’t get me wrong. Raising you was one of the best things I ever did, but it was work.
Michael: I thought you said I was a really easy kid.
Gina: Honey, the therapist told me to tell you that. I appreciate what you guys are trying to do, but at least you helped me realize that I’m too good to work for Viktor. I am gonan quit.
Joey: Hey, that’s great.
Michael: It’s awesome.
Gina: I know. I just finished writing my letter of resignation. (She shows them the letter)
Gina: Do you this dumbass should be hyphenated?
Michael: Well, when it’s followed by that word and that word, I wouldn’t worry so much about the punctuation.
Gina: Oh Joey, you should know that I got a couple of different job leads and as soon as one pans out, I’ll give you back most of your money.
Joey: Okay. Most?
Gina: Ah, enough about me. How are you handling the move from New York?
Joey: I thought you would never ask.
[Scene : Joey and Michael’s House]
Joey: I did it. I am finally done with the rental car.
Michael: You paid all the tickets?
Joey: Uh huh.
Michael: You got the boot taken off? And you returned it to the right place?
Joey: Yes and yes. I am taking off this string. (He pulls up his shirt sleeve and unties it. He pulls up his other shirtsleeve to find another bow) Oh, what the hell is this one for?!