Voir la fiche épisode, le script V.O. et le script V.F.

[Scene : An airport. A plane is landing. Then we see Joey getting on a taxi.]

Taxi Driver: Where am I taking you?

Joey: Oh yeah, I gotta get some place. It's my sister's place. She was supposed to take me up but she's... (He searches his bag while talking, then stops.) kind of nut all there, you know. (Joey looks trough the window. Time lapses.)

Taxi Driver: The address?

Joey: Right, right, right.

Taxi Driver: So you're here visiting family?

Joey: Well, no, I'm an actor. I've been in New York but I got an offer to work in L.A. and I think it's time for me to take my shot. Kind of scary, I mean... I left my whole life behind but I think it's a smart move, you know, if you wanna make it as an actor, you gotta move to L.A., to Hollywood !

Taxi Driver: So what are you doing here in Dallas?

Joey: (thinks for a while, the realizes) I did have a lay over in Dallas! (They both mimics to go back to the airport.)

Opening Credits

[Scene: An airport. A plane his landing. Joey is coming out of the plane. He is worried, he looks right an left till he sees a sign “Welcome to Los Angeles”.]

Joey: Oh thank God !

Gina: Oh my God, Joey !

Joey: Hey Gina !

Gina: My brother, the star. (Talking to a guy) Days Of Our Lives !

Joey: Not any more !

Gina: Formerly !

Joey: Good to see you.

Gina: I know, I missed you so much.

Joey: Wait a second, wait a second ! You look different !

Gina: I forgot ! You haven't seen 'em. (Opening her vest. Joey looks “Whoa”.) What do you think ? They're new ! I went up 3 cup sizes. The doctor was reluctant ! Come on, touch 'em.

Joey: (embarrassed) Let's get my bag. I'll feel you up in the car, I promise.

Gina: Tell me about the big new job.

Joey: It all started when I got this new agent. This lady is a shark. And that means she's a good agent, not an actual shark.

Gina: I know that.

Joey: (Being Joey) Yeah, I did too. Anyway, she got me offers from 2 new shows.

Gina: (very excited) Wow ! What are they ?

Joey: Well, the first one is about a bunch of male nurses and I wasn't really crazy about that one. I mean I've already been a brain surgeon. I don't think my fans would buy me as a nurse.

Gina: They bought you as a brain surgeon, they're pretty understanding (She touches his shoulder).

Joey: Doesn't matter, okay ? Because the other show... it's about a cop and I'm the star. Also, it's for cable so there's a combination of nudity and swearing that I find intriguing.

Gina: I am so proud of you ! (They hug). So, how many bags we're looking for ?

Joey: Just one, the rest of my stuff is on a moving truck and I gave them your number, the company's called "Movers and Shakers". They cost a little more but... (starting to laugh) that name cracks me up. (Pointing a bag) Oh wait, that was my bag.

Gina: It's okay, hold on. (She bends and readjusts her vest to exploit her new boobs). Sir, could you grab that bag ? (The man smiles and goes for it.) Thank you !

Joey: They do get things done.

[Scene: Joey’s new place. He enters with Gina into a central yard, where people are sun bathing. There’s also a pool.]

Joey: Wow ! I think I like L.A. !

Gina: I thought you and Chandler should have moved out a long time ago. It’s a very vibrant gay scene.

Joey: Chandler and I are not a gay couple ! (To the guy next to him who his looking at him) Hi !

Gina: Hey ! This is it ! You're new home ! (They enter)

Joey: Oh my God !

Gina: Yeah ?

Joey: Yeah ! Gina, thank you for finding this. I love it !

Gina: Good because if you didn't I was gonna lie and tell you Tom Cruise used to live here.

Joey: (totally buying it) Tom Cruise lived here ?

Gina: (ironic) Sure he did, honey ! Let me show you the best part ! (She goes out, on a terrace) Check this out ! (She climbs on a small balcony). Sit up here and lean back. (Joey does so.) Look over there.

Joey: Is that the middle of the Hollywood sign ?

Gina: That is the “ollywoo” sign.

Joey: (screaming) I can see the ollywoo sign ! (He looks down) And into that woman's bathroom ! And now she sees me looking ! Hi neighbor !

(Joey gets up, turns toward his new house and stops. He looks a little bit sad.)

Gina: What's the matter ?

Joey: I just... I can't believe I'm here, you know. It doesn't... It doesn't feel real. (Gina smiles and hugs him). (Joey, talking about her boobs). And neither do those.

(Gina’s cell phone rings. She answers.)

Gina: Gina Tribbiani, hairdresser to the stars.

Joey: Stars ?

Gina: (to Joey) It sounds better than hairdresser to mostly Dominicans firms. (On the phone) Yeah, honey. Come on up. (She hangs up. To Joey) It's my Michael. He's parking.

Joey: Say, what is Michael now ? 20 ?

Gina: Yeah, don't I look incredible for the mother of an adult son ? It's the good thing about having a kid so young.

Joey: You rarely hear the argument for a teen pregnancy.

Gina: Michael is so excited to see you again. Oh and by the way, told him I had him when I was 22. I don't want him to think his mother is a tramp.

(When he hears this, Joey closes Gina’s vest. Michael enters.)

Michael: Uncle Joey !

Joey: Hey ! Wow ! Man ! (They hug) I still think of you as a little kid ! So much for these wings I picked up on the airplane.

Michael: Oh no ! I'll still take them.

Joey: (whispers) I was just gonna show them to you...(He’s disappointed…)

Gina: Tell your uncle Joey what you've been up to lately !

Michael: Well, now that college's done. I'm just doing some grad work over Caltech center for simulation of dynamic response materials.

(Joey makes his face, you know, he doesn’t understand but still thinks it’s great.)

Gina: Can you believe he came out of me ?

Michael: Actually, right now, we're designing a mock-up for an escape module for the international space station.

Joey: (mocking at Michael) What are you ? A rocket scientist ?

Michael: Yes.

Joey: Oh. So how do you like living at school ?

Michael: Oh no, I still live with mom.

Joey: (making fun of him again) Oh man ! (Then changing) That is nice !

Gina: Shut up ! We have fun. Tell him we have fun !

Michael: We do have fun. We have a lot in common than most moms and sons 'cause she had me when she was just 22, so ?

Joey: Yeah, 22, yeah. That's why we had to change churches. (Gina gives him a bad look. She goes to the kitchen.)

Gina: Michael, where's the lasagna ?

Michael: I left it in the car.

Gina: I'll get it. I'll get it. Look at that ! So much going on up here he can't remember lasagna.

Joey: We are different you and me ! So, come on ! What else is going on ?

Michael: Well, actually, I'm thinking about moving out.

Joey: Oh yeah, where ?

Michael: Here with you. (Joey is surprised.)

Joey: What ?

Michael: I'm 20 years old, man. I shouldn't be living with my mom. Everyone at school makes fun of me. And it's not like these are the cool kids, they're not quarterbacks... engineers !

Joey: But why do you wanna live with me ?

Michael: Well, huh, this may not be a big selling point but I have no money for rent. (Joey understands quite well the point.) And I mean, and also you're my cool uncle Joey, you know. Living with you, that would just... you know.

Joey: (seriously) Yeah... Break your mother's heart.

Michael: I know... I know. But it's... I mean... It's gonna happen some time. I just have to get out of there. Have you seen her breast ?

Joey: She made me touch 'em !

[Scene: Joey’s place. He is on the terrace, sitting on the balcony and leaning back… A woman gets out the house next door.]

Woman: Hi !

(Joey is surprised and falls back. He gets up again quickly.)

Joey: Actually not that big of a drop !

Woman: I'm sorry. I'm Allison. I live next door (They shake hands.)

Joey: Really ? I'm Joey. I've just moved in. Say, I was about to eat. You want some ? I've got homemade lasagna.

Allison: It's 7:30 in the morning.

Joey: I'm still on New York time.

Allison: So you eat lasagna at 10:30 ?

Joey: No, I eat lasagna at 7:30 but it seemed like a big deal to you so...

Allison: So, you're from New York ?

Joey: Yeah, yeah. You see... I'm an actor.

Allison: (making fun at him) Oh that's so cute. You think it's a big deal to be an actor; Everyone here is an actor.

Joey: What ?

Allison: (Pointing the apartment next to Joey’s) That guy in that apartment... actor ! (Pointing another) Actor ! (and so on) Actor ! (Pointing the apartment just over her place) Porn actor !

Joey: Really ?

Allison: Yeah. He lives above me. He's not the best.

Joey: I'm actually a very serious actor, you know. (He starts acting) “Romeo ! Oh Romeo ! Wherefore art thou Romeo ?” (He stops.) That was Romeo.

Allison: Actually that was Juliet.

Joey: What ?

Allison: Romeo wouldn't have started a speech with "Romeo ! Romeo !"

Joey: (got vexed) I've done that for like a million auditions ! (He goes back into his apartment.)

[Scene: On the set of Joey’s new show.]

Assistant: Blue walls. Scene C. Take 2.

Director: And... action !

(Joey’s playing a cop. He’s wearing a white T-shirt and a gun across the shoulders. He catches a man, knocks him over and hits him. Fake blood splashes Joey’s face and his shirt.)

Director: And... cut !

(Joey goes to Gina and Michael who are there. His shirt his red with fake blood. He’s quite proud of himself.)

Gina: I can't believe I'm on a set ! I think like I could be networking. Let me go talk to the director.

Joey: (wipes the fake blood off his face) (To Michael) Must be pretty cool seeing your uncle starting his own show, huh ?

Michael: Not as cool as it would be seeing my roommate starting his own show.

Joey: Michael, about us living... Come on ! I don't think it's a good idea.

Michael: Why not ?

Joey: I don't wanna get between you and your mom, alright ? I can't have her mad at me. When we were kids, she used to torture me. She hit me all the time. She used to hold me down and force me to say "I am gay for David Cassidy".

Michael: Who's that ?

Joey: David Cassidy from The Partridge Family. Really good looking... (stops…) The point is... I don't want her mad at me, okay ? I'm sorry.

Michael: It's okay? I understand.

Joey: All right. Good.

Gina: (comes back) You are not gonna believe this ! The director thought I was an actress !

Joey: Sure, that's because you got big fake boobs and you're crazy !

[Scene: Joey’s apartment. Gina and Joey are sun bathing next to the pool.]

Joey: I love it out here ! Sunny and 72° everyday ! Wonder what it's like in New York.

Gina: (She’s reading the paper.) 71.

Joey: Poor bastards !

(Allison enters the yard.)

Allison: Joey ! Hey !

Joey: Hey Allison ! Allison, this is my sister Gina. Allison lives here next door. (They shake hands).

Allison: Hi !

Gina: Hey ! You have very beautiful hair.

Allison: Thank you very much.

Gina: If you ever wanna sell it, give me a call (She gives her a visiting card.)

Allison: (weird) Thanks.

Joey: (To her sister) I liked that girl, okay ? Don't be trying to buy her hair ! She could be the future Mrs. Joey Tribbiani. Or at the very least the future... awkward situation. (His cell phone rings) It's my agent, the shark. (On the phone) Hello ! Hi Bobby ! Right ! And ? (listen) What ? Why ? (listen) Yeah. Okay. Bye. (He hangs up. To Gina) My show was dead. It's not even gonna air.

Gina: Oh my god ! Did they say why ?

Joey: People thought it was disgusting ! Geez ! You defecate on one corpse !

Gina: Oh honey. I am so sorry.

Joey: I can't believe this. How can I go from having two shows to... having nothing !

Gina: You think you should have done the other show ? The nurses thing ?

Joey: Oh no way ! I mean my thing didn't go but believe me no one is gonna watch a show about nurses.

[Scene: A TV screen. A journalist is talking about the famous “Nurses Show”.]

Journalist: I'm here with Sam Baxter, one of the nurses on the new hit show RN. And, Sam, I'm told that you weren't the first choice for this role.

Sam: Well, that's right actually. The producers originally the role to someone else. An actor by the name of Joey Tribani.

Journalist: Well, wherever he is, I bet you Joey Tribani... is kicking himself.

[The camera turns to Joey, Gina and Michael, eating and watching TV.]

Joey: Tribbiani ! Joey Tribbiani is kicking himself (He gets up, and gives himself a kick on the butt.)

[Scene: Joey’s place. Joey comes in. Michael is there.]

Joey: Hey ! What are you doing here ?

Michael: I don't know, mom told me you'd be clearing out your dressing room today. So I figured I'd come by and cheer you up.

Joey: What are you cooking ?

Michael: Spaghetti and meatballs. It's grandma's recipe. It always makes me feel better. Mom made it for me this one time... this one time I got a B.

Joey: I got a B once... cheated my ass off.

Michael: So was today hard ?

Joey: Yeah, I can't believe it. A week ago, I was a star of a show and now I'm the guy who turned down "nurses". Which is strange because in real life, I would never turn down a nurse.

Michael: So what do you do now ? (While talking, he prepares a plate of Spaghetti for Joey.)

Joey: I'm meeting with my agent later to try to figure out some kind of game plan.

Michael: Hey ! They're making a new Indiana Jones movie. Maybe you can... turn that down.

Joey: Feeling more comfortable around your uncle Joey ? (About the Spaghetti) This is really nice. Thanks for doing this.

Michael: You know, if you let me be you're roommate, you could have this like everyday.

Joey: Michael, look. You're a great kid and I would love to have you as my roommate but your mother will flip out. I mean... (He tastes the Spaghetti) You're in ! (Michael is very happy. He tries to pick up a meatball from Joey’s plate. Joey screams…) No ! No ! No ! No !

[Scene: The office of Joey’s agent. He enters.]

The agent: Oh hey Joey ! Have a sit, doll !

Joey: Thanks for seeing me. Listen... I know we blew it by turning down that nurses thing but I gotta believe there is something bigger or me right around the corner.

The agent: Listen... You are living in a dream world.

Joey: Excuse me ?

The agent: That nurses show is huge ! Everyone involved in it is gonna become insanely rich and is gonna haunt you for the rest of your life. But my job is to keep up your moral.

Joey: I do feel better.

The agent: Look... I'm a straight shooter but I'll tell you something else about me: I am the best ! There is nothing that I wouldn't do for you. I would... throw on a meat skirt and wrestle a lion ! I would pull off my own ears and eat them !

Joey: That's... gross !

The agent: I'm gonna get you through this. Next year, I am gonna find you a show that'll blow this nurses thing right out of the... What the hell am I saying ? Nothing's gonna top that !

Joey: Hold on. Next year ? No, no, no ! I need to get something now !

The agent: Well, I've got nothing ! Zilch ! Zero ! Nada !

Joey: There's gotta be something !

The agent: Well, they do need a host for this new entertainment show. It's not really acting but it may work since you have such a tremendous head !

Joey: (touching his head) I do ?

The agent: Oh come on ! We don't have time for this ! (She writes the address on a paper then gives it to Joey.)

Joey: Thanks Bobby ! Thank you !

The agent: (laughing) Looks like you got a big barrel on your shoulders !

[Scene: Joey’s place. Gina enters.]

Joey: Gina! Where have you been ? My audition is in half an hour !

Gina: Sorry, I'll give you a little trim. It'll take two minutes (She gives him a towel that he puts around his neck.)

Joey: Any sign of my stuff ? Have the movers called ?

Gina: No.

Joey: Stupid Movers and Shakers ! (He starts laughing) I can't be mad at those guys ! Hey do me a favor. See if you can make my head look a little bit smaller.

Gina: (She starts but stops.) I can't do this. I'm too upset.

Joey: What's the matter ?

Gina: Michael said he was moving out.

Joey: (doing as if he doesn’t know) Did he say who he was moving in with ?

Gina: No, why ?

Joey: Uh... no reason... But you know if you think about it, Gina, this could be a good thing. You could have more time for your hairdressing.

Gina: Oh please ! No much of a hairdresser anyway ! I only started cutting hair because Channel 5 exposed me as this Southland most dangerous dental technician.

Joey: That was some damning footage.

Gina: I just don't know what I'm gonna do without him. He's my baby !

Joey: Hey come on !

Gina: No, really. I don't have much to be proud of. But him, I did right. (Her cell phone rings) I gotta take this. (On the phone) What ? Yeah. I've got a lead on some blond hair. And some good straight stuff. (She leaves the room.)

(Michael enters.)

Michael: Okay, we got a big problem. I just told mom I was moving out. She went crazy. I don't know what she's gonna do when she hears I'm moving with you.

(Gina had just hang up and come back to the room.)

Joey: Well, let's find out.

Michael: Why didn't you tell me she was here?

Joey: You couldn't tell I was getting a haircut ? You think I just walk around my apartment in a cape (pointing the towel)?

Gina: (To Joey) He's gonna live here ? Are you kidding me ?

Michael: Mom, look. This was my idea.

Joey: That's true.

Gina: Sure, I bet you landed and right away he begged you: "Please get me away from my mother !"

(Joey and Michael don’t know what to say exactly.)

Gina: I cannot believe you would do this to me.

Joey: Gina... (She takes her purse.)

Michael: Mom...

Joey: Gina, wait a... (She goes toward the door.)

Michael: Mom !

Joey: Gina... (She’s gone.)

Michael: Oh my god !

Joey: I know. I know... (looking at the towel around his neck.) I could eat a really big lobster in this.

[Scene: A set.]

Assistant: Okay, Joey. The audition is very simple. Three cameras. Each one has a teleprompter beneath the lens and a red light on top. Whichever red light is lit, that's the camera you address. The producer is watching from that monitor.

Joey: Geez ! Is that a man or a woman ?

Assistant: And your mike.

Joey: Okay. Let's do this.

Assistant: We have a roll. Joey Tribbiani audition in 5.. 4... 3...

Joey: Welcome to Hollywood minute. I'm name. (He realizes he should have say his actual name.) Can I start again ?

Assistant: Whenever you're ready.

Joey: Okay. Welcome to Hollywood minute. I'm Joey Tribbiani and here are today's top stories. (He doesn’t address the right camera.) Well, even though she's on vacation,...

Assistant: Cut ! Joey. You didn't switch cameras.

Joey: Oh ! Did the light change ?

Assistant: Yeah. Even though you're reading, you need to be aware of when the light changes.

Joey: That's really the best way to do this ?

Assistant: Okay, let's try it again in 5... 4... 3

Joey: Welcome to Hollywood minute. I'm Joey Tribbiani and here are today's top stories.

(He switches camera, but not to the right one.) Well, even though she's on vacation, Jennifer Lopez is in the news today. (He turns to the right camera when he realizes.) More on that story later. But first, let's check out the box office returns for this weekend. (Again the wrong camera) Topping the list for the third week in a row... Man ! That is one fast red light ! (He searches the right camera.) Topping the list... (again) Topping the list... (and again) I know it's not that one. Where the hell is it ?

Assistant: Okay, Joey. Thanks for coming.

Joey: No, no, no. I'm getting the hang of it. Please, Mr. or Mrs. producer. I need this job. I can do this.

Assistant: You're looking at the wrong camera.

Joey: Damn it ! (He starts again with Romeo.) Romeo ! Oh Romeo !

[Scene: Joey’s place. Joey enters the yard. Allison comes.]

Allison: Hey !

Joey: Hey !

Allison: What's wrong ?

Joey: I... I just blew an audition to host this stupid entertainment show.

Allison: Is that even acting ?

Joey: No ! It's just following a really fast red light.

Allison: Look, don't get discouraged. I have a friend that got rejected from like a million different things. And he just got a part in that new nurses show. Well, I hope you get the next thing. You seem like a nice guy.

Joey: Thanks. (She starts leaving.) Say, Allison. Would you wanna maybe go and grab a bite to eat ?

Allison: Sounds nice. Can't. I've gotta go to the airport and pick up my husband.

Joey: Oh... You're married ?

Allison: You didn't see the ring ?

Joey: Yeah, I saw a ring but it's not on your left hand.

Allison: (showing her left hand) Yeah, it is.

Joey: If you say so. (She leaves.)

(Joey enters. Michael is there.)

Joey: Hey ! Did you know that girl next door is married ?

Michael: I can't talk to that girl, she... she makes my stutter come back. Can I talk to you ?

Joey: Look, Michael, if we’re gonna be roommates, you should know there are gonna be times when I'm not gonna wanna talk, I'm just gonna wanna eat the spaghetti you made for me.

Michael: Well, actually, I'm not gonna be your roommate.

Joey: What ? Why ?

Michael: I don't know... I talked it over with my mom and she is...

Joey: Oh Michael ! Don't listen to her ! (Gina enters the room at the same time.) She's a selfish, crazy... Okay, we need a signal for when she's here.

Gina: Come on, Michael. We're leaving.

Joey: Gina, this is nuts. He's a man, okay ? He's graduated college. He shaves. He sleeps with women.

Michael: I... I do shave.

Joey: Come on ! You have to let him go !

Gin: Oh yeah ? (She’s pulling Joey’s ear.)

Joey: (screaming) You can hurt me all you want, he's gonna move out some time.

Gina: Not if I can help it.

Joey: Look, Gina, I know he's your baby but it's time to move on. Change can be good.

Gina: Oh it's easy for you to say !

Joey: No, it's not ! No ! Look... Nobody understands wanting things to stay the same like I do. I was happy in New York. Okay ? And I tried really hard to keep things from changing. But everyone else got married and had kids... and moved on. They all changed. So... I'm giving change a shot. And it has been hard. But… just hoping things stay the same... it doesn't work.

Gina: You're smarter than you used to be.

Joey: I don't know where that came from.

Gina: (To Michael) You know he's a slob, right ? You know how you like everything nice and clean and in its own little place. There's gonna be sauce on everything you own.

Joey: I don't know how it happens.

Michael: Mom, that's okay. (Gina looks at Joey. He winks at her.)

Gina: (To Michael) If this is really what you want...

Michael: Thank you, mom. Thank you.

Gina: (Michael and her hug.) I'm just gonna miss you. That's all. It's been the two of us for such a long time.

Joey: Well, now it's the three of us. (He wants to join the hug but Gina rebuffs him.)

Gina: You gave your speech... Enough! (To Michael) You sure you're gonna be okay ?

Joey: Gina, he's gonna be fine ! He's old enough to move out ! You were raising a kid when you were 16 ! (Gina stares at him.)

Michael: How did I not figure that out ? I mean... I took calculus when I was 8 !

Gina: (To Joey) You're dead.

Joey: Gina, back off. I don't wanna hurt you.

Gina: Oh yeah ? (She pulls his ear again.)

Joey: I'm gay for David Cassidy !

The end

Voir la fiche épisode, le script V.O. et le script V.F.

[Scene : Joey’s House]

Joey: (Gets out the milk and then goes to get the cereal, but the box is empty) Agh.(Looks at the potato chips) Ooo. Disgusting? Or wonderful?

Michael: Hey.

Joey: Morning roomie. So, tell me about last night.

Michael: What about it?

Joey: I heard a girl’s voice coming from your bedroom.

Michael: Oh, uh, yeah I don’t really wanna talk about that.

Joey: Come on, Stud!

Michael: Shhh.

Joey: Ooo, is she still here? Wow, somebody’s really taking to the bachelor life. (Puts his hand up for a high five)

[Gina walks out of Michael’s bedroom]

Michael: (High fives Joey) Yeah.

Gina: Good morning, Joey.

Joey: You spent the night in his room? (To Michael)Please tell me she didn’t sleep in your bed!

Gina: I slept on the floor. Don’t worry. Not everyone wants to kill their daddy and marry their mommy, like you.

Joey: That was one drawing I did! What are you doing here?

Gina: Well at 2 in the morning I realized Michael didn’t have his white noise machine, so I brought it over. He can’t sleep without his sounds of the jungle.

Joey: That’s why I dreamt I was being attacked by monkeys!

Michael: Wait a minute. If Joey didn’t let you in, how did you get in last night, Mom?

Gina: I let myself in.

Joey: You have a key? Gina: Yes, I made one for emergencies. When you turned down that hit show, it was a very dark time for you. I thought you might do something drastic.

Joey: I wasn’t gonna kill myself.

Gina: Really? You didn’t even think about it?

Michael: Mom, maybe you shouldn’t have a key. I mean, the whole reason for this move was so that I could have some independence.

Joey: Yeah, and I don’t know how comfortable I am with you just coming over whenever you want. What if I have a girl over?

Michael: Yeah, what if I have one?

Joey: Will you stop being silly, we’re trying to have a conversation.

Gina: Fine, if it’s such a big deal, you can have the stupid key back. (Hands the key to Joey)

Joey: That was too easy. You have another one.

Gina: Good job Nancy Drew! Here. (Hands Joey another key)

Joey: How many more do you have?

Gina: We could do this all day.

[Opening Credits]

[Scene : Outside Joey’s House]

Joey: Hey, Alex.

Alex: Hey.

Joey: Look at you all dressed for work. You know, I played a lawyer once. Yeah. I object! No further questions! How can this be a jury of his peers, when five of the jurors are androids?

Alex: (Laughs) So, the movie’s in the future?

Joey: No. No, this was like three years ago.

Alex: Oh, my. Say, I hate to bother you with this, but my husband’s out of town and normally I would ask him, but what do you think looks better with this? Hair down or hair up?

Joey: Uhh, definitely up. Your hair is nice, but I like it better back so that I can see your face.

Alex: (Blushes) Ohh..

Joey: Yeah, I played a husband once too.

Alex: (Laughs) Okay, thanks. See ya.

Joey: Okay, right. Oh my God, another one of these.

Alex: What?

Joey: A note from the super. “No unsanctioned grills allowed. Please remove your grill from the patio. I can’t believe this. How am I supposed to make a hamburger?

Alex: Well, you could use a frying pan.

Joey: Oh, don’t. Just-just don’t. Does everybody get these notes?

Alex: Yeah. Yeah, the super’s kind of a hard-ass.

Joey: Oh. Do you get a lot of notes?

Alex: Me? No. But I don’t do anything wrong. I’m kind of a good girl.

Joey: Oh. I wonder if Mr. Alex would tell me the same thing. (Alex looks awkward) Maybe I wait a few days before making sex jokes with you.

Alex: Yeah, and maybe you don’t even do it then.

Joey: Okay.

Alex: Okay.

[Joey walks inside his house]

Joey: Gina! I haven’t seen you in minutes.

Gina: Don’t worry, I’m just about to leave. I’m not gonna bother you. (Yelling at Michael) Michael! Your snack is ready!

Michael: (Yelling from another room) In a minute! I’m in the middle of something!

Gina: (Yelling) Well, hurry up! I gotta get going!

Joey: (Yelling) I’m so glad I moved out here!

[Michael Enters]

Gina: Here’s your snack, baby. I gotta get back to the salon. Ooh, an hour and a half under the hair dryer. I hope someone’s not dead!

[Gina Leaves]

Michael: Can you believe her? She’s here all the time.

Joey: Yeah, well, she loves you.

Michael: Yeah, but it doesn’t even feel like I moved out. I thought living with you, we’d have this crazy single life. Ya know, with the two of us out meeting girls. I mean, I know how you are with women.

Joey: You do?

Michael: Sure, it’s the first memory I have of you. We came to New York for this big family party. All te girl cousins flocked to you. I mean, I know nothing ever would happen with them.

Joey: No, not even once before I knew that was wrong!

Michael: I guess I just thought if I lived with you, then I’d have a chance to learn a few things, you know?

Joey: Aww..

Michael: What?

Joey: That’s really sweet. You want to learn stuff from your uncle.

Michael: Well, yeah.

Joey: That’s new for me, you know. I’ve never been the one to teach someone something. I was always the one who –No, never learned anything either.

Michael: So are you up to it?

Joey: Yeah, yeah, absolutely. You came to the right guy. I have so much knowledge to give. I mean, you don’t have a dad around, and I don’t have any sons (Knocks on the table) So, we can go to a bar tomorrow night.

Michael: Cool. I’ve never done that before.

Joey: You’ll have a blast. I remember the first time I went to a bar and hit on girls.

Michael: Were you my age?

Joey: Close to it.

Michael: What, like eighteen?

Joey: Eleven.

[Scene : Joey in the hot tub outside his house. Joey is pretending his feet are people talking to each other.]

Joey: (In a high pitched voice) Ooh, I feel so lonely. (Deep Voice) Well, hello, handsome.

[Michael Enters]

Michael: Joey.

Joey: Hey, how was school?

Michael: Great. How was…what you do?

Joey: For you information, I had a really big audition today.

Michael: Oh, yeah? How’d it go?

Joey: I don’t know. I got lost.

Michael: You got some more notes from the super. (Shows Joey the notes)

Joey: Oh man, this guy will not leave me alone! (Reading from the notes) “Wet towels cannot be left in the courtyard.” Uh, yeah they can, I did it. “Underwear is not appropriate hot tub attire.” Why not?

Michael: Uh, maybe because when it’s wet, it’s see-through.

Joey: (Looks down) Hey, hey, how ‘bout that?

[Alex Enters]

Alex: Hey.

Joey: Hey.

Alex: Hey, I know that you were upset about your grill, so I made you a list of places around that make good burgers, and also, a couple of my favorite restaurants. (Hands him the note) And, there’s your pee-pee.

Joey: This is great. Hey, thanks for doing this. Say, Alex, have you met my nephew Michael?

Alex: Not officially, no. (Shakes Michael’s hand) It’s nice to meet you Michael.

Michael: Yeah, golly, yeah. Uh, hi, wow.

Alex: That’s..clammy.

[Alex Leaves]

Joey: Why don’t you save some of that magic for tonight? Hwy, you know any of these places? (Hands Michael the list)

Michael: Umm..this is weird.

Joey: What?

Michael: (Picks up one of the super’s note) The handwriting on this list looks a lot like the handwriting on the notes from the super. Check it out. It’s the same. You know what this means?

Joey: Alex and the super had the same handwriting teacher!

Michael: Uh, or…

Joey: Alex is the super! Or..Alex and the super have a secret-

Michael: No, no. You had it.

Joey: Wait a second. Wait a second. If Alex is the super, that means she lied to me. That sucks.

Michael: The same handwriting teacher. (Laughs)

Joey: (Imitating Michael) Uh, golly. Hi. Gee. Wow.

[Scene : Joey’s House]

Joey: God, it took you forever to get ready.

Michael: Just like an hour and a half. It usually takes Mom like two hours.

Joey: That is because she is a woman. Something which you are not.

Michael: Well, you look really nice.

Joey: I am also not a woman. We don’t do that! But thanks –Okay come on, let’s go!

Michael: Great, let me just make sure I’ve got everything. I’ve got some money. I got my fake ID..

Joey: Ah..

Michael: Yeah, these are cool. Some guys at Cal Tech made these. They’re impossible to tell apart from the real thing. But, I did have a little fun with it. Check out the name. (Shows Joey)

Joey: Neils Bohr?

Michael: The famous physicist. He developed the-

Joey: No thanks, nope. Look, uh, Michael, as your teacher, I feel like we should talk a little bit about your rap. Okay? Now, we have to take your greatest weakness, your intelligence, and turn that into a strength, okay? Now, what kind of stuff are you smart about?

Michael: Uh, I know physics.

Joey: No. Next.

Michael: Uh, I enjoy cubing.

Joey: What’s cubing?

Michael: That’s when people share different strategies to solve Rubik’s cubes.

Joey: Ehh. Next.

Michael: Uh, also, speed cubing.

Joey: Ehh! Ehh! Ehh! Next!

Michael: Uh, I’m pretty knowledgeable about astronomy.

Joey: That’s like, stars?

Michael: Right.

Joey: Yeah, okay. Yeah, that could work. Yah, yeah, okay. You take a girl outside. You show her the stars, very romantic. Maybe it gets a little chilly. You slip your arm around her. (Puts his arm around Michael)

Michael: You’re starting to feel like another teacher I had. Uh, he got fired.

Joey: All right! Are you ready?

Michael: Yes.

Joey: Let’s go.

[They turn to leave when they hear a knock on the door]

Gina: (From Outside) Hey guys, it’s me.

Michael: What are we going to do? She’s gonna want to come with us.

Joey: Pretend we’re not here.

Gina: (Looks through the window and sees them) Hey. Don’t make me use my key!

Joey: (Opens the door) Hey.

Gina: Hey. Look at you two all dressed up. Where are we going?

Joey: Uh..nowhere. Nowhere. We’re just hanging out.

Michael: Just a quiet night at home, Mom.

Gina: Well I know you’re going out, Michael. You got your shoulder pads on.

Joey: (To Michael) You’re not a woman from the 80’s.

[Michael takes out his shoulder pads]

Gina: So, what’s going on?

Joey: Well, we were gonna go to this bar down the street.

Gina: Sounds like fun, I’m in.

Michael: Uhh, yeah, I don’t know. I’m not sure you should come, Mom. We were maybe thinking of, you know, talking to some girls.

Gina: (Putting on lipstick) Oh, then you definitely want me there. I happen to be a great wingman. (To Joey) Remember when I hooked you up with cousin Marie?

Joey: Yeah, thanks a lot. You know how many Hail Marys I had to say for that?!

Gina: Come on, let’s go. This is gonna be fun, the three of us out together.

Michael: You know, I really think it might be better for the two of us to do this alone.

Gina: Oh. Okay, I understand.

Michael: No, well, just for tonight. We can all do something tomorrow.

Joey: Yeah.

Gina: No, that’s fine, really. I mean, if you want it to be just the two of you, then I think you should do that.

Michael: Mom..

[Gina Leaves]

Michael: I feel terrible.

Gina: I know. I know. I forget how sensitive she can be. (Looks at Gina making vulgar gestures through the window) And classy.

[Scene : Michael and Joey at the bar]

Joey: (Talking to some girl) Alright, great. I’ll give you a call. (Walks back over to Michael) And that is how it’s done.

Michael: Wow, you got her number. That girl was gorgeous.

Joey: Yeah, she lives in Long Beach. Where’s that?

Michael: Uh, you take the 10 to the 405 to the 710-

Joey: Sorry Betty, it’s not meant to be.

Michael: So, how are the girls from LA compared to the girls from New York?

Joey: Uh, well, it’s a little early. I don’t want to jinx it but they may be trashier. All right, now, the first thing you want to do is find someone your attracted to right? You see anyone you like?

Michael: Well, the lady bartender’s certainly attractive.

Joey: Oh, good eye. Good eye. No chance. Bartenders get hit on constantly, so there’s a very high level of difficulty. You might want to start with that sorority girl over there whose friends are carrying her to the bathroom.

Michael: I don’t think so. She doesn’t look very smart.

Joey: Oh no, maybe you won’t co-author a book together.

Michael: That girl. (Points) She looks interesting.

Joey: Great. Okay, go talk to her.

Michael: Alright here we go. (Adjusts his shoulder pads)

Joey: You put ‘em back in?

Michael: Maybe someone here wants a woman from the eighties!

[Michael goes to walk over to the girl, but he is stopped by a security guard.]

Security: Sorry, we got an anonymous call that you’re underage. We’re gonna have to ask you to leave.

Michael: You got a call about me?

Security: Well the woman said to look for the handsome genius accompanied by the Tony Danza general.

Joey: Gina!

Michael: I can’t believe this!

Security: Come on, let’s go.

Michael: I was just about to score.

Joey: (To the Security Guard) Hey, you really think I look like Tony Danza? (The guard shrugs) Hey, good enough, come on.

[Scene : Joey’s House. Gina is already there.]

Gina: Hey guys, are all the girls you picked up coming separately?

Michael: I can’t believe you! You called the bar! Why?

Gina: Why? Because you shouldn’t have been there. I never drank alcohol before I was 21.

Joey: (Laughs but Gina glares at him) She’s right, yeah.

Michael: I just, I can’t..nevermind. (Starts to leave, but Joey stops him)

Joey: No, no, no, Michael. You’re upset. You tell your mother how you feel.

Michael: It’s just, okay, I wanted some time away from you, and I don’t think that’s too much to ask. You ruined my night, Mom, and Joey’s. And that’s selfish.

Joey: Good, good. You’re getting it out. What else? What else?

Michael: I hate that you made me take flute lessons!

Joey: Uh, okay, we’re going a little wide now. Let’s bring it back. Bring it back.

Michael: I just, I can’t believe you couldn’t give me on night on my own.

Gina: Look, I’m sorry. But you have to understand, you abandoning me is my worst nightmare.

Joey: Then you haven’t had my monkey dream.

Gina: I was afraid when you moved out that you wouldn’t want me to be a part of your life anymore, and it would just be the two of you going out and having fun without me. And now, that’s what’s happening!

Joey: Hey Gina, come on, now..

Gina: Well, I just don’t understand why I can’t come too. Aren’t I a fun mom? Didn’t I buy a case of beer for you and your friends on your eighteenth birthday?

Michael: Yeah. Then you drank it yourself, and heckled us while we played Trivial Pursuit.

Gina: Come on, just give me a chance! Let’s try it one night. It’ll be an expiriment, like the thing you put in the fridge, that Joey ate.

Joey: Delicious!

Michael: Okay, I guess we could try it.

Gina: Plus, I could help you with the women.

Joey: Whoa, whoa, whoa. I’m actually handling that, alright? I’m kinda his teacher in that area.

Gina: That must be a pretty involved course. How you doin’? How you doin’? How you doin’?

Joey: Worked on every one of your friends!

[Scene : Outside Joey’s House]

Joey: Hey.

Alex: Hey.

Joey: I, uh, I got another note from the super. What an idiot. Spelled unacceptable with two C’s.

Alex: That’s how you spell unacceptable.

Joey: Interesting that you’d know that! (Alex is confused) So, how are ya? You doin’ well?

Alex: Yeah, I’m fine.

Joey: Really? Just fine? Not great, or say, super?

Alex: Alright, what’s up?

Joey: I’ll tell you what’s up! You’re game is up, okay? You can’t fool me. I know you’re the super..or his handwriting teacher!

Alex: The super? Where did you even get that?

Joey: Okay, enough! If you don’t admit you’re the super right now, I’m gonna..I’m gonna break this chair (Picks up one of the chairs)

Alex: Okay! All right, fine! I’m the super!

Joey: (Throws the chair down anyways, and it breaks) I am really worked up right now!

Alex: Well, now you know, it’s out in the open.

Joey: So why did you lie in the first place?

Alex: Okay, I didn’t lie! You never asked me directly, and I just didn’t volunteer the information.

Joey: Okay, the lawyer logic isn’t gonna work with me, or any other kind of logic for that matter!

Alex: Look, I didn’t tell you I was the super because I thought we were getting along, okay? It felt good, because everybody in this building hates me and my stupid notes. They..they call me The Notsie.

Joey: Oh.. (Laughs)

Alex: It’s not funny! And the crazy thing is, it’s not even my job. It’s my husband’s job, but he’s away a lot, so I have to do it. And if I’m gonna do it, I’m gonna do it well. So I guess, you’re just going to have to go ahead nad hate me like everybody else!

Joey: Hey. I don’t hate you.

Alex: You don’t? You should. I mean, I leave these annoying notes, and I made you take away your grill.

Joey: Yeah, but..Look, I don’t know many people out here. Okay? I mean, I got my family, but they’re kinda nuts. Okay? I could use someone normal, and you show a lot of promise.

Alex: Really? That’s so nice. I don’t know what to say. I think I’m gonna cry.

Joey: You have got yourself some mood swings. So uh..we’re good?

Alex: Yeah, yeah, we’re good.

Joey: You want to give me another note, don’t you?

Alex: It’s the last one, I promise!

Joey: But I didn’t..Oh, yes I did, yep.

[Scene : Joey, Michael, and Gina at that bar]

Gina: This is gonna be great, Michael. There are lots of cute girls here. Ooh, except for her, what a tramp.

Joey: That’s a mirror, Gina.

Gina: I am not talking about me.

Joey: Alright Michael, first thing we gotta do, is pick out some good prospects. Now, you’re gonna want to play the numbers.

Michael: What do you mean?

Joey: Well, it’s important to choose someone at the same level of hotness as yourself. You could go two ponts either way, but I wouldn’t do much more than that. For example, I’m a 9, okay? So, I can hit on a 7, or a hypothetical 11.

Michael: Okay?

Joey: Another option for me, is a 4 and a 5. Okay? Three 3’s. And, I wouldn’t recommend this, nine 1’s.

Michael: Okay, so, what number am I?

Gina: 6.

Joey: 6.

Michael: Wow. Honest. Okay.

Joey: Okay, alright. Why don’t you start with that 7 over there? She looks nice.

Gina: You can’t just send him out, he doesn’t even know what to say.

Joey: No, no, no. We covered that. Remember, Michael? Talk about the stars.

Gina: (To Michael) Oh honey, if you’re gonna talk about the stars, I’m gonna have to downgrade you to a four.

Joey: You got a better idea?

Gina: Yeah, I do. Does this place have a mechanical bull? Women really love to see how a man moves. All like..(She gets up and dances like she’s riding on a bull)

Michael: Mom, sit down!

Joey: Alright, forget the stars, alright. On to Plan B – The Accidental Bump. You ready? “Oh, sorry, I –Ooh, hi”

Gina: Don’t listen to him. You know, I think it would be easier if you sit here and I bring you girls. What do you like? Big chest?

Michael: You know, I think I’m just gonna go up to the girl and start talking.

Gina: Okay, just make sure your nice to her.

Joey: Yeah, but not too nice.

Gina: Compliment her.

Joey: Ignore her.

Gina: Compliment her, then ignore her.

Michael: Okay..

Gina: Make sure you ask her, her name.

Joey: And then call her a different name.

Gina: And make eye contact.

Joey: Yeah, but don’t stare at her.

Gina: You want to seem interested.

Joey: But completely bored.

Gina: Just be yourself.

Joey: No, no! Pretend to be somebody else.

Michael: Okay! I think I’d like you to leave.

Gina: What?

Joey: Why?

Michael: It’s just a lot of advice. It’s putting a lot of pressure on me, and I think I’ll just do better if I’m by myself.

Gina: Okay.

Joey: Wow. Okay, I guess we better go.

Gina: (Looking in the mirror) Damn it, that is me!

[Scene : Joey and Gina at Joey’s House]

Joey: I can’t believe Michael’s still not home yet.

Gina: I know, it’s taking a while. You think that means he scored?

Joey: No. I really wanted to help him with this stuff, but it was hard. Can I tell you a secret? He’s weird.

Gina: Can I tell you a secret? I know.

Joey: He’s just so different from us. I mean, can you imagine having trouble with the opposite sex?

Gina: The only thing that ever slowed me down was that little bastard.

Joey: And he’s so, so smart. Where’s he get that from?

Gina: I don’t know. It’s like he’s some alien sent from another planet to make me feel stupid.

Joey: Well I’m here now, okay? So the dummies outnumber the aliens. Just, I feel bad, ya know? I’m his uncle. I really wanna help him with stuff. If I can’t help him with girls, I don’t know what else I got.

Gina: No, you are helping him. I mean, he’s out on a Saturday night. Normally, he’d be at the library studying. Oh, if he left the bar and went to the library I am going to kill him.

[Michael Enters]

Joey: Hey!

Gina: How’d it go?

Michael: I got a phone number.

Gina: Congratulations!

Joey: Are you gonna call her?

Michael: I think so.

Gina: Call her now!

Joey: No, no. Wait three days.

Gina: No, you want her to know you like her.

Joey: Play hard to get.

Gina: Take her to dinner and a movie.

Joey: Bring her a slice and some porn.

Gina: Joey, that’s disgusting.

Joey: Worked on all of your friends!

[Scene : Michael and Joey outside Joey’s House at night]

Joey: I don’t know, Michael. I think this stars thing could work.

Michael: Okay, I’ll give it a shot sometime.

Joey: Try it now.

Michael: Uh, okay. Well, um that’s the Persius cluster. It’s one of the most massive objects in the entire universe. It kinda makes you feel small, doesn’t it?

Joey: It does, Michael. Continue.

Michael: Well, it’s uh, it’s 320 million light-years away. The universe is so vast and empty. It makes me glad we have each other. (Puts his arm around Joey)

Joey: What are you doing? I’m a 9!

[End]

Voir la fiche épisode, le script V.O. et le script V.F.

[Scene : Joey and Michael’s house. Michael and Joey are sitting on the couch playing a baseball video game.]

Michael: And stee-rike three!

Joey: This is so unrealistic. Derek Jeter doesn’t strike out on three curve balls in a row.

Michael: Did you know that the laws of physics suggest that the curve ball is actually impossible?

Joey: Why do you have to ruin stuff like that? Huh? The curve ball is impossible. Don’t eat that, it’s solid mold. That’ not a dog, it’s a possum. Stop letting it lick your face. Why?!

Michael: I gotta get to school.

Joey: Dude, let me let you in on a little secret. You don’t live with your mom anymore. You don’t have to go to school. Stay here. We’ll have fun.

Michael: Man, I really have to finish some work.

Joey: So you can work here. There’s a comfy couch. A lamp. Pens. What else do you need?

Michael: A Cray T3-E 1200 Super Computer.

Joey: The lamp has three settings. Look, I just-I don’t have anyone to hang out with here. Do you have to go to school every day? Isn’t the teacher ever sick or you get, like, a snow day or something?

Michael: There are not too many snow days in LA. Although it’s funny that you mention that, ‘cause I’m studying a climate-change scenario right now where the polar ice caps melt, and-

Joey: Oh, just go!

[Michael Leaves]

Joey: (Sits on the couch and gives a game controller to Hugsy] I know I can beat you. Ah, stee-rike! This is a new low.

[Opening Credits]

[Scene : Joey and Michael’s house. Joey is climbing the stone shelves above his fireplace, but one piece breaks off in his hand and he falls. Gina walks in.]

Gina: Did you break another piece off the wall?

Joey: It’s just begging to be climbed!

Gina: I just wanted to drop off Michael’s laundry. I gotta get back to the salon.

Joey: You’re going in this late?

Gina: Yeah, my first client cancelled. God rest her soul.

Joey: I was hoping you could stay. I was thinking maybe we could hang out.

Gina: Why, is something wrong?

Joey: I like LA and all, but being between projects, and not knowing that many people yet, I’m kinda lonely. How are you supposed to make friends as an adult?

Gina: Have you met anybody nice in the building?

Joey: Well, there actually is this one guy, Jake. He lives across the courtyard. He seems really cool.

Gina: Well have you talked to him?

Joey: Kinda, yeah. I’ve talked to him a couple times by the mailboxes. He’s always goin’ out to play basketball with his friends. Man, if I knew them I could play ball with them too. Assuming they also suck.

Gina: So why don’t you be friends with him?

Joey: Yeah, why don’t I just catch a rainbow and put it in my pocket.

Gina: Oh come on, it should be easy for you. It’s like picking up a girl. How do you do that?

Joey: I don’t know. I kinda go into a zone you know. I just start talking to a girl and the next thing you know I’m sneaking out of her apartment.

Gina: Hey maybe you and Michael should have a party, like a housewarming. Invite the whole building. Have Jake come.

Joey: Yeah, that’s a great idea. I can call Jake right now. I know from the mailboxes that his last name is Morgan. Huh? (Points to his head) More than just a hat rack, Gina. (Starts looking through the phonebook) Okay, Morgan, Morgan.. Shoot, there’s like ten J. Morgans. If only I knew his address. (Laughs) Here’s a guy with the same address as me. (Realizing) Right. Got it. I’m on it. I’m on it. (Starts to dial, but then hears someone dribbling a basketball outside) Do you hear that? That might be Jake. Should I go talk to him?

Gina: Go, Joey. Go grab your rainbow.

[Joey runs outside]

Joey: Jake, Jake! Hey, what’s up, man?

Jake: Joey, right?

Joey: Well, my friends call me J-Bird. Uh, anyway, my roommate and I are having a little party Thursday for everyone in the building.

Jake: Oh yeah, sure I’ll stop by.

Joey: Awesome. Yeah, you won’t be sorry. The J-Bird throws a great party.

[Jakes Leaves]

Joey: Why do I keep calling myself that? Hold it together, J-bird!

[Scene : Michael and Joey’s house. Gina and Joey are getting ready for the party. Alex walks in]

Alex: Hey Joey.

Joey: Hey.

Gina: What, you don’t say hello to me?

Alex: Oh! I didn’t even see you there. Hello! Hello! Your skin is so beautiful.

Gina: Enough..

Alex: Yeah, right. (To Joey) So listen, I know you’re having a party tonight. So I just wanted to drop off a list of rules about noise and parking and stuff.

Joey: You know you’re invited, right?

Alex: Oh, okay! (Crumples up the list)

[Michael Enters]

Michael: Oh, hey Alex.

Alex: Hi, Michael.

Gina: Who were you on the phone with?

Michael: Did you ever meet Seth from college?

Gina: Was he the home-schooled kid with the glasses or the Asian kid allergic to light?

Michael: I don’t think you ever met him. He’s this super-competitive guy. He just called to gloat about this fellowship he won. Like I hadn’t already read about it in the American Journal of Astrophysics!

Joey: By the way, can we please get some new magazines for the bathroom?

Michael: I mentioned the party to him, thinking he’s never going to come. Not only is he coming now, he wants to bring his girlfriend.

Alex: So?

Michael: You don’t understand. If Seth Tobin has a girlfriend, it means..Oh God, it means I’m the last guy from my group of friends at school to have a serious relationship. The last!

Joey: Even after the allergic-to-light guy?

Michael: Arthur Trang does all right. I mean, if you tell a girl, “We have to sit here in the dark or I’ll die” stuff happens.

Joey: That is going right in the arsenal!

Michael: God, I’m so sick of Seth beating me all the time. You know what it’s like to have someone like you, but just a little bit better?

Joey: Yeah. Johnny Depp.

Michael: I don’t even want to go tonight.

Joey: What?! This is our party. The whole reason to have it was to do something together.

Michael: I thought this party was for Jake.

Joey: That’s right! Jake is coming!

Gina: You know what? You need a girlfriend tonight? I don’t know this Seth guy. I’ll be your girlfriend.

Michael: Okay mom, no!

Gina: What, we could be a couple! (To Joey and Alex) Aren’t we a cute couple?

Alex: People go to jail for things like that.

Joey: Yeah.

Michael: Seriously Mom, stop.

Gina: You don’t think I’m sexy enough? I mean, come on. This is a body of a 22 year old. (Lifts up her shirt to show her stomach) I mean, look how tight my-

Alex: Please stop!

Gina: What did you say?

Alex: Well, first of all, oh so tight! And uh, I could do it.

Michael: You’d really do that for me?

Alex: Yeah, I could be your girlfriend. I mean, after all, my husband’s out of town. I could use a date.

Gina: Alex, you’re a married woman, is that really appropriate?

Joey: You know the word “appropriate”?

Michael: Well um Alex, I mean, if you’d come with me tonight, I’d really appreciate that.

Gina: Big step down, but whatever!

[Scene : Joey and Michael’s house. The part is starting, and Alex walks in.]

Alex: Hey, your fake girlfriend’s here.

Michael: Oh, is that what you’re wearing? I just thought you were going to show a little more skin.

Alex: Well sometimes what you don’t see is even sexier.

Joey: Yeah, only women think that.

Michael: (To Alex) No, I’m sorry. You look great. I’m just a little nervous about tonight, that’s all. Uh, maybe we should get our stories strait. I mean, if we blow this, Seth..he’ll never let me hear the end of it.

Alex: Okay um, my middle name is Julia. I grew up in-

Michael: Oh actually, I had some thoughts about your backstory. (Hands Alex some note cards)

Alex: My backstory? (Reading off one of the cards) “Veronica Rockefeller. Neurosurgeon slash bikini model.” (To Michael)I’m sorry, am I not good enough for you?

Michael: No! No!

Alex: (Reading the card again) “For believability, please lower your age to thirty?”

Michael: Right..

Alex: I’m 28!

[Cut to Joey waiting for Jake by the door.]

Joey: Hey guys, could you not stand by the door? When Jake come in, I don’t want you two to be the first people he sees.

[Seth walks in with his date, Molly]

Seth: Hi.

Joey: No, no, no. In you go.

Michael: Seth!

Seth: Sorry I’m late. I had a congratulatory phone call from Stephen Hawking. An honor, sure, but just..(Gestures that he talks a lot) Oh, this is my girlfriend Molly Wintle.

Michael: Hi. Uh, this is my girlfriend Alex Garret.

Seth: I didn’t know you were seeing anyone. How long have you been together?

Michael: Uhh..

Alex: Well it’s hard to say in a way, because for a long time he didn’t wanna be exclusive. This dog’s gotta run! But, I guess we’ve been together about 3 months.

Seth: We’ve been together five. That’s two months more. 61 days.

Michael: 1,464 hours.

Michael and Seth: 87, 840 minutes!

[Gina runs up to Michael]

Gina: How could you?

Michael: What?

Gina: First you break up with me, then you show up here with this tramp! (Slaps Michael)

[Gina walks away, over to the front door where Joey is still waiting.]

Joey: Jake better show. I mean look at these people. Who else could I possible be friends with here, Crazy Pet Lady? No sir, I do not care for the way her bird talks about our president.

[A man walks in]

Howard: Hey, I’m Howard, from apartment 12.

Joey: Oh hi. Joey. This is Gina.

Howard: Hey great, nice to meet you. I’m actually new here in LA and I find it kind of hard to meet people. Lots of tables for one for old Howie lately! So I was pretty excited to get your invitation. I mean, I’ve seen you around the building and I’ve been wanting to meet you, and here I am!

Joey: Yay! Well uh, enjoy yourself.

[Howie walks away]

Joey: Wow, he seems a little desperate, huh?

Gina: At least he didn’t throw a party to make you his friend.

Joey: (Laughs) Yeah, right. Oh.

[Scene : Michael and Joey’s house. Michael and Alex are talking to Seth and Molly.]

Seth: (His watch beeps) Oh, it’s almost 9. There’ll be a visible pass by the International Space Station soon. Molly and I share a passion for the night sky.

Alex: Oh, how nice. Michael and I share a passion for sex in public.

Seth: We’ll be outside.

[Seth and Molly go outside]

Michael: Sex in public? Where’d that come from?

Alex: Oh, I read about it in Cosmo. 60 percent of us do it. Wait a minute, did you see that plate of food Seth just brought for Molly with the chicken skewers and the mini hot dogs?

Michael: I guess.

Alex: Molly just told me she’s a vegetarian. If they’ve been together for five months, he would know that.

Michael: You know, I noticed another weird thing. She didn’t even know about Seth’s asthma. It sends him to the hospital like every other week.

Alex: It doesn’t seem like they know each other very well. Do you think she could be a fake girlfriend?

Michael: Let’s find out. (Yells to Molly outside) Hey Molly, which one’s better? Jedi or Empire?

Molly: I don’t know.

Michael: (To Alex) She’s fake!

[Cut to Joey and Howard]

Howard: And then when Drake Ramoray walks in and sees them in bed together? Ah! That was an amazing scene!

Joey: Interesting story about that scene; See originally, Drake wasn’t supposed to be in it at all. But then, while looking for a bathroom, I accidentally walked onto the set. The rest is history.

Howard: Well Days of Our Lives has not been the same without you.

Joey: Well I got some old tapes if you ever wanna- (Sees Jake) Oh, Jake!

[Joey walks over to Jake and Gina, leaving Howard by the bar]

Joey: Hey, what’s going on?

Jake: Hey.

Gina: Yeah, I was just having a nice time with one of your guests here.

Joey: Yeah, this is Jake.

Gina: This is Jake? Rainbow Jake?

Joey: Yeah! Uh, whatever that means.

Jake: (To Gina) So, you’re a hairdresser? Would you do anything different with my hair?

Gina: Let me see. Turn around for a sec. Great body. Really great body.

Joey: Okay, enough. Enough Gina. Maybe Jake would like a drink.

Gina: Maybe you should get him one.

Joey: Maybe you should get him one.

Gina: Maybe you should get him one.

Jake: You know what? I’ll get myself a drink. Can I get anything for the lady?

Gina: So chivalrous. Yes, I’ll have another EverClear and Gatorade.

[Jake walks off]

Joey: Why are you flirting with Jake?

Gina: Well I started talking to him before I knew who he was. You didn’t tell me e was so cute.

Joey: Well I’m sorry. But that’s not something I notice with guys, and yes I did!

Gina: Let me just finish talking to him, and then he’s all yours.

Joey: No!

Gina: Excuse me?

Joey: Look, I don’t want you talking to him. I told you how hard it is for me to meet people.

Gina: Well it’s not easy for me either. Why can’t we share him?

Joey: Because that never works. Every time you get involved with one of my friends, you ruin it. Okay? Either you break up with him and he doesn’t want to be with me anymore, or he breaks up with you and you scare him away! That’s why I had to quit the football team, the baseball team..I ended up having to do theater! Oh, so, thanks.

Gina: You are being ridiculous. Just back off, okay?

Joey: No, you back off.

Gina: No, you back off! You know, I see why you have trouble meeting people. You got so much food in your teeth.

Joey: Well, I was afraid Jake wasn’t going to show, and when I get nervous, I eat.

Howard: (Walks over to Joey and Gina) Wow, we have so much in common!

Joey: Get out of here!

Gina: Go!

Howard: Awesome.

[Scene : Joey and Michael’s house. Joey and Gina are still arguing over Jake.]

Joey: Look, Jake’s gonna be here any second with the drinks. Why don’t we let him decide who he wants to be with?

Gina: I’m so sure he’s gonna pick me, I’ll give you a one minute head start.

Joey: Look, I don’t need you charity, okay? Jake and I are going to be-

Gina: Hey, you just wasted ten seconds.

Joey: Only 40 seconds left! (Walks over to Jake) Hey man, nothing like a cold beer on a warm summer night, huh?

Jake: This is apple juice. I’m an alcoholic.

Joey: It’s a disease. (Gina gestures to him that his time is counting down) Uh, so what do you do for a living Jake?

Jake: I’m a market make in the energy sector. Mostly do arbitrage.

Joey: Oh hey, my uncle’s a garbage man, yeah. (Gina starts walking over to them, and Joey starts talking very fast.) I’m an actor myself. Not really working right now, so that’s not interesting. Uh, I love video games, and Diehard. I’m an excellent parallel parker. I once saw Mr. T in a restaurant!

[Gina walks up to them]

Gina: Hi. It’s really hot in here. You wanna go check out the patio? (Takes off her jacket)

Jake: (To Joey) Catch you later.

[Jake and Gina go outside]

Joey: I knew it! What you do see is sexier!

[Cut to Michael and Alex]

Michael: This is such typical Seth. He could’ve just come to the party alone, but instead he goes through all this trouble, just to one up me.

Alex: Well he’s not going to get away with it. I’m a lawyer. I’ll just pretend he’s a defendant..for a very, very geeky crime.

Michael: Oh, they’re splitting up.

Alex: Good. Divide and conquer. You take nerdly.

Michael: Okay.

[Michael goes to talk to Seth, and Alex goes to talk to Molly]

Alex: So, tell me, how exactly did you and Seth meet?

Molly: (Speaks in a way that is very obvious she is reciting from memory) Oh, at a Memorial Day Party thrown by a mutual friend. It was a sunset cruise around Catalina Island.

Alex: That’s so romantic.

Molly: And I had to go to San Francisco on business that night, so Seth offered to drive me to the airport. Then when I came back, he surprised me by picking me up, too.

Alex: Aww. A couple of questions, um, you said you went on a Sunset Cruise on Memorial Day?

Molly: Um, yeah.

Alex: And then you flew to San Francisco later that night?

Molly: On business.

Alex: So just a few weeks before the summer solstice, when the sun sets well after 8 o’clock, your sunset cruise got back in time for you to catch a flight to San Francisco -- when, and correct me if I’m wrong, the last shuttle to SFO leaves at 9 o’clock PM. Is that what you’re saying?

Molly: I…don’t remember.

Alex: Now I want to return to something else that you said about this alleged boat trip.

[Cut to Michael and Seth]

Seth: I don’t know if you noticed, but I’ve been working out.

Michael: Oh yeah, I’ve been working out too.

Seth: Oh yeah? I’m bench-pressing 90 pounds. Can you bench press your body weight? So, what do you think Molly and Alex are talking about?

Michael: Oh, it’s girl stuff.

[Cut to Alex and Molly]

Alex: ..then either it didn’t happen that way, or both you and Seth are in violation of the US Fisheries Act of 1988!

Molly: (Scared) I have to go to the bathroom.

Alex: The answers aren’t in there, Miss Wintle! (Gives Michael a thumbs-up sign)

[Scene : Joey and Michael’s house. Gina and Jake are talking by the fireplace. Joey walks over to them.]

Joey: Hey Gina, sorry to interrupt, but I have to show you something. Armand Assante just walked in. (Pulls Gina away from Jake)

Gina: Oh my god. I love him! Where?

Joey: He’s not here. I just wanted to get you away from Jake so I could have some time to talk to him.

Gina: You know, one day Armand Assante will be here, and I won’t go because you have fooled me so many times!

Joey: Look, he’s gonna leave soon, okay? Can’t you just let me have 5 minutes? I already saw you give him your number.

Gina: Yeah, and I put a little lipstick kiss on it to up what I call the “class factor.”

Joey: Okay, how ‘bout this? If you don’t let me talk to him, I’m gonna tell him some stuff about you.

Gina: Good, I don’t have any secrets.

Joey: How old did you tell him you were?

Gina: Alright, five minutes.

Joey: Yeah. (Walks over to Jake) Hey, Jake.

Jake: Hey, thanks for the great party. I gotta take off.

Joey: No, really?

Jake: Yeah, I got a basketball game in the morning. Say, I was wondering if the J-Bird wants to come.

Joey: Who? Oh, that’s me! Yeah.

Jake: Sweet. So I’ll swing by, pick you up around 9?

Joey: Great.

[Jake throws something in the trash as he walks out the door]

Joey: Hey Jake, what uh, what’s that you just threw out there? (Takes it out of the trash)

Jake: Oh, nothing, just the phone number of that girl I was talking to. I was hoping to get a little more than a phone number tonight. She’s got more self-esteem than that outfit would suggest.

Joey: So you’re not gonna call her?

Jake: Aw, she’s fine for a slow night, but not exactly worth dinner and a movie, right?

Joey: That’s my sister, Jake.

Jake: Oh..man, I’m sorry. I don’t know what to say. We still on for basketball?

Joey: No, I think I’m gonna play basketball with some guys who don’t think my sister’s trashy.

Jake: Yeah, well good like finding them.

Joey: Yeah, tell me about it.

[Joey closes the door, and Gina walks over]

Joey: Hey uh, I think I came on a little too strong with Jake. I might’ve freaked him out. He’s probably not gonna call.

Gina: I saw him throw my number out, Joey, but I like your story better. He just wanted a one-night stand, huh? A one night stand..

Joey: Don’t even think about it!

Gina: Are you okay? I mean, I know how much this meant to you. You went through all this trouble just to meet him.

Joey: Oh no, no, no. It’s alright, it’s alright. I just, I didn’t think it’d be this hard to meet people, ya know?

Gina: Hey, remember when you left home and moved to Manhattan? You found people there.

Joey: Yeah, but I was a kid then. It was easy, you know? I got to go through all that again now?

Gina: Aw, look, it’ll happen. At least this time you got me.

Joey: I do have your number. (Looks at the number that she had given to Jake) Now does underlining “up late” also up the “class factor?”

[Cut to Alex and Molly walking over to Michael and Seth]

Alex: Molly has something she’d like to say.

Molly: I don’t want to do this anymore. I just want to go home.

Seth: What do you mean?

Alex: Seth, the game is up. We know she’s not your girlfriend.

Seth: Oh my god.

Michael: Seth, why? Why did you lie?

Seth: So I could beat you for once, okay?

Michael: What are you talking about?

Seth: You got into Cal Tech’s doctoral program; I got rejected. You got this killer apartment; I live at home and share a bathroom with my grandmother. I never win.

Michael: That’s how you feel about me? Look, okay, I have to tell you something. Alex isn’t real.

Seth: You built her? (Goes to look at Alex)

Alex: Get away from me!

Michael: No, no, I mean she’s not really my girlfriend. Okay yes, I asked her to pretend to be my date tonight to impress you ‘cause I..I fell like I never win.

Seth: Wow. Makes you think.

Michael: Yeah. So I guess we both kind of learned our lesson.

Seth: I learned it first.

Michael: Well I learned it better.

Seth: I kinda already knew it actually.

Michael: I’m the one who-

[Joey walks over]

Joey: Geeks, geeks, geeks, we’re done.

[Scene : Joey and Michael’s house. Joey and Howard are cleaning up from the party.]

Joey: So he was the real reason I threw this party, and he turns out to be a jerk, you know? All I wanted was someone to hang out with. (Howard looks at him as if he could be his friend) Okay, we can try it, but I’m not making any promises.

Howard: You will not regret this.

Joey: Hey Gina, on a trial basis, Howard here is gonna be my friend. Okay, now I don’t want you hitting on him and ruining everything.

Gina: Well I’ll try to control myself. I’m only woman.

Howard: (To Joey) Hey, let’s play a game where you throw the trash in the bag and use my body as a backboard.

Joey: (Throws in two cups) This just might work out!

[Scene : Joey and Michael’s house. Alex and Michael are cleaning up.]

Alex: I don’t know why you caved. We totally had them.

Michael: Are you kidding me? They would’ve caught on eventually. Just, no one would believe that a girl like you would be going out with you know, me.

Alex: Oh please. Would you stop selling yourself short like that?

Michael: I’m not, I just know my limitations. Women uh, don’t like me. Except for lesbians who, when I’m wearing my old glasses, think I’m one of them.

Alex: Let me tell you something, if there was a twenty year old me out there, she would want to be with a guy like you.

Michael: If I could build an ultra-realisitc girl robot, I’d want her to be just like you.

Alex: Well that’s sweet.

Michael: But I’d probably give her bigger-

Alex: That’s enough.

Michael: Okay.

[End]

Voir la fiche épisode, le script V.O. et le script V.F.

[Scene : Joey’s house. Michael’s at the table working, and Joey walks in.]

Michael: As depressing as it is to come home to an empty lasagna tray?

Joey: Touché, Michael. It’s just a reminder of the fact that I have no social life out here. I’m having the worst dry spell ever.

Michael: My dry spell’s lasted twenty years, but go on.

Joey: I mean, in New York if you see a pretty girl, you just walk right up to her, you know? But here, they’re all in cars. They go whippin’ past me at like a million miles an hour. Like today, I saw this pretty girl driving toward me, so I make a U-turn and get a ticket for 800 bucks.

Michael: 800 dollars for a U-turn?

Joey: Yeah. We may have been on a freeway at the time, but..I just wish I had a regular place where I could go and meet women.

Michael: You could go to bars.

Joey: Nah, I’m getting too old for that. Plus I’m not great at telling whether or not they’re gay bars before I go in. Oh by the way, if Ramon calls, I am not here.

[Opening Credits]

[Scene : Joey and Michael’s house. Gina is on the couch reading a magazine. Joey walks downstairs.]

Joey: Hey.

Gina: Joey, come here. Look at this. The world is a freakin’ joke. (Hands Joey a magazine)

Joey: Cargo pants are five minutes ago? The world is a freakin’ joke.

Gina: No, the thing about the celebrity hairstylist.

Joey: Oh.

Gina: I went to cosmetology school with that girl and she was terrible. She burned way more hair than I did, and I burned some hair. Now I have to read about her living the glamorous life and rubbing elbows with celebrities. That should be me.

Joey: You cut my hair. I’m on TV.

Gina: No offense, but you’re only slightly more famous than my client who shot her husband.

[Michael Enters carrying a plate of sandwiches]

Joey: Hello giant plate of sandwiches.

Michael: Joey, listen-

Joey: Oh, hey Michael, I didn’t even see you there.

Michael: Hands off. Theses are for my book club tonight.

Joey: A book club? Here, in my own home? Gosh, it’s like I’m living at the Playboy mansion.

Michael: Stay away from the sandwiches. Watch him, mom.

Joey: (Laughs) Pssh. (Gina glares at him and Joey looks scared)

Gina: I can’t believe this. It’s so upsetting when people with less talent than you are more successful.

Joey: Yeah, like that dog from my beer commercial..couldn’t catch a Frisbee on cue, works all the time.

Gina: Ya know, you should ask your agent to hook me up. She has lots of famous clients that need to get there hair done. Just show her my portfolio, I’m sure she will be impressed.

Joey: Well I can show it to her, but I’m not so sure she’ll be impressed. I mean, all the hairstyles are modeled by Michael. Even the women’s.

Gina: So?

Joey: So? The Dorothy Hammel haircut with the heavy makeup? We’re lucky he’s not burring bodies in the backyard.

[Scene : Bobbie’s Office. Joey walks in.]

Bobbie: Joey, what are you doing here? Why aren’t you out there getting work?

Joey: Uh, didn’t have any auditions today.

Bobbie: Oh sure, put it all on me. (Notices the portfolio that Joey’s holding) What’s that?

Joey: Oh, it’s a portfolio of hairstyles.

Bobbie: What? (She looks through the portfolio) Oh, who’s the model? I’d like to keep that little piece of chicken in my pocket and snack on him all day.

Joey: Uh, that’s my nephew.

Bobbie: Well we can see who has the looks in your family.

Joey: Anyway, my sister is a hairdresser and that’s her portfolio. I was hoping maye you could show it to some of your clients.

Bobbie: Oh, absolutely. (Picks up the phone and dials random numbers) Hi. Halle Berry. My client has a sister who’s a barber. Could she do your hair for the Oscars? (Hangs up)

Joey: What’d she say?

Bobbie: Joey, I’m not here to do you personal favors. Let me explain how this agent thing works. First, you become famous, and then I’ll kiss your ass. But until then, let’s keep it strictly professional.

Joey: Okay, sorry. I understand. (Starts to pick up the portfolio and leave)

Bobbie: (Grabs the portfolio from Joey) Leave the pictures of the boy toy.

[Scene : Joey and Michael’s house. Joey walks in to find Michael’s book club has a lot of women in it.]

Maureen: Well hello, are you here for Book Club?

Joey: I am now.

Diane: What did you think of this week’s book?

Joey: I found it extremely fictional.

[Michael Walks downstairs]

Michael: Uh, Joey, Joey, can I just talk to you for one second?

Joey: Uh, yeah.

Michael: (To the girls) Sorry.

[Michael and Joey walk away from Maureen and Diane]

Michael: What are you doing?

Joey: You didn’t tell me there were pretty ladies in the nerd club. You gotta let me in.

Michael: Look, I don’t know.

Joey: Hey, come on, Michael. You can’t kick me out of a room full of women. If I was in charge of a room full of boring stuff, I’d let you in.

Michael: Look, this isn’t one of those book clubs where people just come to mingle. Alright? It’s a place to discuss literature not pick up girls-

[Jane Enters]

Michael: Oh my god, Jane’s here, Jane.

Jane: Hi Michael. I brought an ice cream cake.

Michael: That’s great. It’s great-great to see you. Uh, great book huh? So great, It was a little slow at the beginning, but great over all. I mean, did you think it was great?

Jane: The cake is cold. My hands are getting numb.

Michael: Oh. (Takes the cake and puts it in the freezer)

[Jane walks away]

Joey: Not a place to pick up girls, huh?

Michael: What, Jane? No way. No, are you kidding? No, I would never-

Joey: Great, great, g-great, great, g-g-great, great, great, g-g-g-g-great, great..

Michael: All right! I love her so much.

Joey: So, so, ask her out.

Michael: No, the book club has a strict no dating rule, and I’m the president. She’s my vice president. The scandal would tear our administration apart.

Joey: Michael, you have to seize this moment. The love between two nerds is a rare and fragile thing.

Michael: I want to. I can’t go against the rules without a motion being passed.

Joey: So, I’ll make a motion.

Michael: You’re not a member. There’s an approval process.

Joey: Well, I motion you suspend it on account of me being the sole payer of rent for the book club’s headquarters.

Michael: I second the motion. The motion is passed

Joey: I motion for a presidential exemption to the no-dating rule.

Michael: I second the motion. The motion is passed.

Joey: I motion that you and me eat that entire ice cream cake right now.

Michael: Motion denied.

Joey: Mr. Chairman, you’re out of order!

[Scene : Joey and Michael’s house. The book club meeting has just ended.]

Joey: Great book club tonight, lively discussion, and I got five phone numbers.

Michael: Yeah, the girls were crazy about you. What’s your secret?

Joey: Well there’s no trick. Women just want to be listened to. So when they talk I pretend to listen and go like this. (Nods his head) Hey, so, how’d it go with Jane? Did you ask her out?

Michael: No, just ‘cause I wanna wait ‘til next week’s meeting just so I can set the mood. So I picked a romantic book, and I asked her to come over right before just to help me write out the discussion questions.

Joey: Nice. Nice. What’ the book?

Michael: Jane Austin’s Pride and Prejudice. It’s a tale of manners and courtship set in 19th century rural England.

Joey: I hope you enjoy reading that.

Michael: Joey, if you’re gonna be in the book club, you have to read the book. The whole notion of- (Joey is doing his pretending-to-listen nod) Stop that! Stop it!

[Gina Enters]

Gina: Hey guys.

Joey: Hey.

Michael: Hi, Mom.

Gina: So, is the agent gonna send me any clients?

Joey: Uh, no. Actually, Bobbie’s been very busy so I don’t know if you should expect a call.

Michael: Your agent? She did call.

Gina: Really?

Michael: Yeah it was weird, she called me her little chicken nugget and then made a bunch of slurping noises.

Joey: Uh, that's just show biz talk.

Gina: I can't believe you don't know anyone famous. If you hadn't turned down that hit show, you'd have so many connections that could help me right now.

Joey: Yeah, that's what I regret most about that decision.

[Alex Enters]

Alex: Hey. I'm sorry to bug you, but did you get some of my mail by mistake? I didn't get my People magazine and the post office said they delivered it today.

[Joey turns and looks at Gina]

Joey: Gina, weren't you readin' that earlier?

Gina: (To Alex) What's the problem, I'm not good enough to steal your magazine?

Joey: (To Alex) Uh, that's okay, I think it's upstairs. Just have a seat.

Alex: No no, that's okay, you don't need to leave us alone..

[Joey Leaves]

Alex:..so, tell me, do you-

Gina: This isn't a social hour. What famous people do you know?

Alex: Oh, well um, my college friend Jessica's married to a big time movie producer.

Gina: So does she wear really expensive gowns, and get her hair all done up and go to big premieres?

Alex: Yeah, all the time. She goes to one like every week.

Gina: Aww, you're lying to impress me.

Alex: No, I'm not lying. She's a really good friend, of mine.

Gina: Yeah right.I'd like to see you ask her to let me do her hair for her next premiere.

Alex: Alrigtht, I will. Wait, what just happened?

Gina: I'm really good, I sware. I just need a chance. If you call her and set it up, I'll be nice to you.

Alex: For how long?

Gina: Name your terms.

Alex: Two weeks.

Gina: Done.

Alex: I shoulda said three.

Gina: And now you're down to one.

Alex: Ugh.

[Scene : Joey and Michael's house. Michael is setting up for Book Club. Joey enters.]

Joey: Hey.

Michael: Hello.

Joey: Hey listen, tonight at book club, don't have Diane sit next to Maureen.

Michael: Why?

Joey: I may be dating both of them exclusively.

[Knock On The Door]

Michael: Oh my god, that's Jane

Joey: Alright, I'll get out of your hair until book club starts. I'll be in my room reading the book and listening to some "Soft Rock Hits of the 70's" (Shows Michael a cassette tape) Can you believe someone threw this out?

[Joey Leaves and Michael answers the door]

Michael: Hi. Whoa. Come in, I'm sorry, it's just you look great.

Jane: Thanks. You look- I don't know. I can't see without my glasses. I probably shouldn't have driven here.

Michael: So uh, did you enjoy the book?

Jane: Oh, yeah.

Michael: Yeah, it's pretty romantic.

Jane: Very.

Michael: So, I wanted to ask you-

[Joey walks downstairs with headphones on]

Joey: Don't mind me. Just grabbing a snack. Reading makes me hungry.

Michael: (To Jane) Uh, so-

Joey: (Singing) Just call me angel of the morning, angel. Just touch my cheek before you leave.

[Joey walks back upstairs, Michael gestures for Jane to sit down, and they both sit]

Michael: So I was, I was just thinking that maybe we could loosen up the rules of Book Club.

Jane: Oh, ok.

Michael: Like, maybe we could strike the No Dating rule from the bylaws.

Jane: Oh yes, let's do that.

Michael: Okay, consider it stricken.

Jane: Ok great, so we can date people in Book Club.

Michael: Yes we can.

Jane: So what's up with your uncle?

Michael: I'm sorry?

Jane: Well, do you think he would go out with me? He mentioned he was single last time, and I was hoping you could say something for me.

[Joey walks downstairs]

Joey: I'm gonna go read in the courtyard. Give you two some privacy.

[Scene : The Courtyard at Joey and Michael's house. Joey is reading.]

Joey: 4 down, 371 to go

[Gina Enters]

Gina: Hey.

Joey: Hey.

Gina: I just wanted to tell you guys to be sure you watch TV tonight. I just did Alex's friend's hair for a premiere, and she's gonna be on the Red Carpet!

Joey: Oh, how'd it go?

Gina: Oh, I was a little nervous at first. She's a very fancy lady. She was drinkin' martinis and sittin' with her legs crossed. But then I got into it, and instinct just took over. I did this beautiful, old Hollywood style updo.

Joey: Congratulations. All right.

[They high-five]

Gina: I'm gonna go tell Michael.

Joey: No, no, no. He's in there with a girl.

Gina: Okay, he's in there with a girl, and you're reading books? What is this, Freaky Friday? Alright, I guess I'll go tell Blondy how it went.

Joey: Ahh, call her Alex. You promised you were gonna be nice.

Gina: Only one more day of that, and some stuff is gonna happen.

[Gina Leaves]

Joey: Five minutes left, I gotta buckle down...hey little snail!

[Diane and Maureen walk into the courtyard]

Diane: Hi Joey.

Joey: Diane..Maureen. You two know each other?

Maureen: Oh yeah, we're good friends.

Joey: I did not know that. Come on in.

[Joey, Diane, and Maureen walk inside the house]

Jane: Hi Joey.

Joey: Sup?

[Joey walks over to Michael]

Joey: Listen, Michael, I didn't exactly finish the book, okay? So don't call on me.

Michael: You're unbelievable.

Joey: What?

Michael: Come here.

[Joey and Michael walk outside]

Joey: What's the matter? Did you ask Jane out?

Michael: No, I didn't ask her out, 'cause she wants to go out with you.

Joey: Oh dude, I'm so sorry. Obviously I would never-

Michael: You totally screwed this up for me.

Joey: I didn't mean to. I barely said two words to her.

Michael: You didn't have to. You came to the meeting last week with your game face on, looking to score, and it worked. Alright? you're like a..big blob of sex, and you oozed your charm all over the girl I like.

Joey: I am not a sex blob! Okay, this is not my fault. Look, I'm sorry if she likes me, but I didn't do anything wrong.

Michael: I should never have let you in.

[Joey and Michael walk back inside]

Jane: So, should we get started?

Michael: Yes. Come, Joey, let's go talk about the book we all read.

Joey: (Whispers) Nothing past page four!

[Joey avoids Jane, and sits between Diane and Maureen]

Maureen: Hey, I wanted to call and tell you what a great time-

Joey: Uh, Book Club is starting everybody! (Rings a bell) Book Club!

Michael: Okay, so, who wants to start?

Lloyd: I thought-

Michael: Joey, what did you think of Pride and Prejudice? Let's hear it. What were some of the central themes?

Joey: Uh...well, pride was one.

Maureen: Oh, yeah.

Diane: Yeah.

Joey: And of course prejudice, which is wrong!

Maureen: Oh yeah.

Diane: Uh huh.

Michael: Uh, uh huh, and what did you think of Darcy?

Joey: She was good.

Michael: Darcy's a man.

Maureen: But not in the modern sense. Is that what you're saying Joey?

Joey: Uh, yes it is. Yes it is, Maureen. Thank you.

Diane: That's interesting.

Jane: That's very interesting.

Michael: He didn't read the book! The only reason he's here is to pick up women. Now, in the interest of maintaining the integrity of Book Club, I motion that we kick Joey out. Who seconds?

[No one raises their hand]

Michael: Come on! He didn't read the book.

Maureen: Neither did I.

Diane: Me neither.

Lloyd: I saw the movie.

Joey: There was a movie?!

Michael: Did anyone here read the book?

Maureen: You put too much pressure on us, Michael. A book a week?

Jane: It's just really gotten very stressful.

Michael: How is reading stressful? Reading is fun. (Yelling) It's fun!

Joey: Okay, let's not turn this into a hostage situation. If you want me to leave, I will.

Jane Maureen and Diane: No!

Michael: You know what, I'm just gonna leave.

[Scene : Alex's House. Gina and Alex are getting ready to watch the premiere.]

Alex: Okay, it's almost time for the big premiere. I made popcorn.

Gina: Nice place. (Picks up a picture) Who's the knockout in the tiara?

Alex: Oh, that's my sister Nancy. She was queen of the Rose Parade.

Gina: Oh, you're cute, but maybe you shouldn't stand next to her in family pictures.

Alex: Yeah, that's what my mom says.

Gina: I really appreciate you helping me out. I mean, I know I mess with you sometimes but it's just for fun. (Gives Alex a friendly jab)

Alex: Oh yeah, that is fun. (Starts to give Gina a friendly jab back, but decides it's best not to hit her) So this is actually kinda nice, being friendly. Maybe we could keep it up a little longer than a week.

Gina: Hmm, I physically can't. Oh my god, it's on! Ahem, George Clooney. I would ware him down to a nub.

Alex: yeah, I would..have bunches of sex with him.

Gina: Oh my god, that's Jessica's husband getting out of the limo.

Alex: Oh my god, this is exciting. Oh there she is. Oh wow, she actually looks really good. Not that I'm suprised. I mean, when I said "actually" I didn't mean..(Notices that Gina looks sad) What? What's wrong?

Gina: She took it down.

Alex: What?

Gina: That wasn't the style I gave her. She must've taken it out in the limo. She hated it. I can't believe this. (Turns off the TV)

Alex: Oh, I'm so sorry.

Gina: I knew when I walked in there I was out of my league, but i spent two hours trying to fake it.

Alex: Oh no. There, there..

Gina: I can't believe I ever thought I could do this. I just don't fit in with rich people. They look down on me. They always have and they always will. With their grammer, adn their leg crossing, and..

[Alex uncrosses her legs]

Alex: Hye, don't be sayin' that girlfriend. Okay look, I grew up with money, and I don't look down on you. If anything, I envy you.

Gina: Come on.

Alex: IT's true. I wish I were as strong and as confident as you. And if it were me, I would be more than happy to have you do my hair.

Gina: Really? You mean that?

Alex: Absolutely.

Gina: So can we do it right now?

Alex: Now? Oh, now seems so soon.

[Scene : The courtyard outsidee Joey and Michael's house. Joey's on the phone.]

Joey: Look, Michael, it's Joey. I know you're mad, but I hope you come home soon so we can talk about how you're feeling and work this out. And also, if you get a chance to pick up some tacos or something on your way home that'd be great. (Hangs up)

[Michael Enters]

Joey: Hey, look uh, I know you're upset because Jane liked me, alright but I hope you know I would never come between you and a girl, alright and I really did not mean for that to happen.

Michael: I know you didn't. That's the problem.

Joey: What?

Michael: It's gonna happen whether you try or not, you know? Anytime I actually get a girl and bring her home, she'll take one look at you and forget I'm even here.

Joey: Come on, give yourself some credit. You have so many gifts that I don't have. You're really smart. People respect your opinion about stuff. That's a great thing.

Michael: Maybe. I'd still rather have your gifts.

Joey: Yeah me too, but believe me. You are on your way to big things. Okay, because you're only gonna get better with girls and stuff. But I'll always suck at math. In like 5 years, you are gonna be a force to be reckoned with.

Michael: Yeah, and in 5 years, you'll be 40.

Joey: You have a lot of your mother in you, don't you

[Gina Enters]

Gina: Okay, ladies and gentelman, modeling a Gina Tribbiani hairstyle called the Nice 'n Nasty, I give you Alex Garret.

[Alex Enters]

Joey: Whoa, now that's a neighbor!

Gina: (To Michael) Come on, get your camera. I wanna get some pictures.

Michael: (To Alex) You look so diffrent. I can't believe you own an outfit that slutty.

Gina: Hey, that's mine. I wear that to church.

[Michael and Gina Leave]

Joey: You're very nice to be such a good sport.

Alex: Can I tell you something? I love it! I feel like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman.

Joey: You know she was a hooker, right?

Alex: Yes. I have to go look at myself in the mirror again!

[Scene : Bobbie's Office]

Bobbie: Oh, Joey I've got great news.

Joey: Did I get that commerical?

Bobbie: No, I bought a horse.

[Michael Enters]

Michael: Joey, come on. I gotta get to school. (To Bobbie) Oh, hi, I'm Michael.

Bobbie: Oooo, have a seat. Joey, I completely forgot. There's a residual check for you in the accounting department. Why don't you go grab it?

Joey: Alright! Okay, I'll be right back. I'll be right back.

[Joey Leaves]

Bobbie: So, Michael, how do you feel about full frontal nudity?

Michael: I'm not an actor.

Bobbie: Oh yes, I know.

The end

Voir la fiche épisode, le script V.O. et le script V.F.

[Scene : Joey and Michael’s house. Joey is reading a book. Gina Enters.]

Joey: Hey.

Gina: (Deep Voice) I need a drink.

Joey: You sound just like dad.

Gina: Dad didn’t drink.

Joey: Oh I know, but your voice is deep like a man.

Gina: Heh, you want a beer?

Joey: No no, I have an audition in an hour with this great theater company. I have to memorize a monologue from Shakespeare’s Richard III.

Gina: Oh, how’s that going?

Joey: Bad.

Gina: Why would you even want to do Shakespeare?

Joey: Well, this could be a great opportunity for me you know? Really turn things around. Get people to look at me as a serious actor. Plus I get to wear a crown.

Gina: You know, maybe it would help you memorize it if you understood the dialogue.

Joey: Yeah, but it’s like a whole other language.

Gina: Well, let me help you. Let’s start with the first line.

Joey: Okay, uh (Reading from Richard III) “Now is the winter of our discontent.

Gina: Interesting.

Joey: “Made glorious summer by this sun of York.”

Gina: Uh, okay sure.

Joey: “And all the clouds that lowered upon our house in the deep bosom of the ocean buried.

[Awkward silence as they sit staring at the book]

Gina: You wanna get a pizza?

Joey: Oh, God yes.

[Opening Credits]

[Scene : The courtyard outside Michael and Joey’s house. Michael is working on his computer. Joey enters.]

Joey: Hey Michael.

Michael: Oh, hey Joey. How’d the audition go today?

Joey: Ah, I didn’t get it. I’m gonna be the understudy.

Michael: That’s great!

Joey: Uh, Michael, I don’t know what that means in rocket science business, but in show business it means you suck.

Michael: You’re looking at this in the wrong way. If the lead actor gets sick, you’re in. This is an oppurtuinty. You just need to be ready to seize it when you’re moment comes.

Joey: Yeah?

Michael: Absolutely. Remember what happened to Lou Gehrig? One day Wally Pip got sick and Lou filled in for him. He was so good he replaced him permanently. The guy played every single game for like thirteen years.

Joey: Michael I can’t wait for this part that long. I’m supposed to go to Sea World in three weeks!

Michael: The point is you could get your big break, and you need to be ready.

Joey: Hmm, yeah. I’ll just wait for my chance and then go out there and be the best Richard III there ever was.

Michael: Well actually, Sir Lawrence Olivia set a pretty high standard for that one.

Joey: Oh. Maybe I should put “Sir” in front of my name

[A girl enters carrying a big box]

Michael: (Whispering to Joey) Girl. Girl, girl, girl!

Joey: Why, well hello.

Girl: Hi.

Joey: Let me help you with that. (Joey takes the box from her)

Girl: Thanks.

Joey: And let me be the first to welcome you to the building.

Girl: Oh actually I’m moving out of my apartment here, and in with my fiancé.

Joey: Aw, there you go. (Gives her the box back)

[The girl leaves]

Michael: Joey, she’s moving out. This is bad. This is really bad.

Joey: Come on Michael, you didn’t have a chance with that girl. I could still get her. You wanna see?

Michael: No! Just look. An apartment is open in the building. My mother’s gonna want to move in.

Joey: Really?

Michael: Yes! When I moved in here she asked me if there was an apartment open for rent. God, she hates being alone, and now I’m not there to do yard work anymore or move furniture around.

Joey: Whoa whoa whoa, you move furniture?

Michael: It’s mostly wicker.

Joey: Oh.

Michael: This cannot happen! You have to help me.

Joey: Alright, alright, alright. Uh, well we better take that sign down. (Points to the “For Rent” sign)

Gina: (Yelling from the parking lot) You better just back off mister!

Joey: (To Michael) Get the..!

[Michael rips down the sign and hands it to Joey. Joey sets it by a plant. Gina enters.]

Gina: (Yelling to the parking lot) I didn’t hit your car! You would know if I hit your car! (To Joey) I just totally hit that guy’s car. What’s going on with you guys?

Michael: Nothing.

Gina: (Notices the “For Rent” sign by the plant) Hmm, what do we have here? A plant for rent? Pffh, California, what a bunch of weirdos, huh?

Joey: Yeah..

Gina: Okay, I’m gonna go get dinner ready.

[Howard Enters]

Howard: Hey guys. Hey Gina.

Gina: Hey Howie.

Howard: Hey, did you notice anything different about me?

Gina: Did you get shorter?

Howard: No, I’ve been working out! I have a Bowflex. Good things are happening to my body almost daily.

Gina: I can make good things happen to your body almost daily too.

[Gina Leaves]

Howard: I wanna marry her. (Notices the “For Rent” sign by the plant) Hey that’s not supposed to be here. It’s supposed to go over there.

Joey: Listen, uh, we don’t want Gina to know about the empty apartment right now, so maybe you don’t mention it to her.

Howard: Why can’t she know?

Michael: Uh, because if she finds out, she’ll want to move into it and we really don’t want her living with us.

Howard: She’d move in here?

Joey: Howard-

Howard: I want that!

Joey: Howard, no!

Howard: I’m gonna tell her.

Joey: Howard-

Howard: (Yelling) Gina!

Joey: You wanna have another pizza tonight, just you and me?

Howard: That was the best night ever. We watched Die Hard and then you showed me your Days Of Our Lives cast photo and pointed out everyone you slept with.

Joey: Uh huh. Well, we can do that again if you don’t mention the empty apartment to Gina.

Howard: Really?

Joey: Yeah, but this time we can Die Harder.

Howard: Ahh, the same thing happens only this time they’re on a plane!

[Scene : The back porch at Joey and Michael’s house.]

Joey: Hey, guess what. I’ve got great news. The guy who plays Richard III has been throwing up all day.

Michael: Really?

Joey: yeah, yeah. They think it might be serious. I’m gonna get to go on!

Michael: I’m so happy for you. See, I told you. So how are the lines coming?

Joey: Oh ah, words – the worst part of acting. I can’t get that opening monologue. I think I have too much information stored in my brain.

Michael: That’s an interesting theory.

[Alex Enters]

Alex: Hey guys.

Joey: Oh, hey.

Alex: Uh, do you know what’s been happening to the “For Rent” signs I’ve been putting up?

Joey: Yeah yeah, we’ve been taking ‘em down and tearing ‘em up.

Alex: And why have you been doing that?

Michael: Because if my mom finds out there’s an apartment here, she’ll want to move in immediately.

Alex: Oh, well that might be okay. We’re getting along pretty well.

Joey: Really? You think you’d want her as a tenant? Alright lets’ do a little role play, okay? I’ll be Gina and you come and ask em for the rent.

Alex: Okay. Gina-

Joey: (As Gina) Bite me blondie!

Alex: That felt so real. Okay, you know what, you’re right. This can’t happen. She’s crazy.

Joey: Whoa whoa Alex, we can talk about her like that but you can’t. That’s my sister.

Michael: Yeah, and that’s my mother.

Alex: Oh my god, I’m so sorry.

Joey: Ah, we’re just messing with you.

Michael: She’s crazy. So look, we have to find somebody else to live in that apartment. Is anybody interested in it?

Alex: No, I was thinking of having an open house.

Michael: Oh, oh, have one tomorrow. She has to go to San Diego for a wig convention.

Joey: Ooh, San Diego! Only twenty more days ‘til Sea World!

Alex: Okay, this can totally work. I just have to rent it to someone by tomorrow. I just wish my husband were here. He’s the real salesman in the family.

Joey: Really?

Alex: Yeah, the last apartment we had open, he rented no problem even though there was bad plumbing, faulty heating, and there’s mold in the walls.

Joey: Uh, weren’t we the last people to move in?

Alex: So, Sea World, huh?

[Scene : Joey and Michael’s house. Joey is polishing his crown for Richard III. Gina enters.]

Gina: Huh, all hail Kind Meatball.

Joey: Hey, you’re gonna come see my play tonight, right?

Gina: And pass up the chance to see you in makeup and tights? Haha, that’s gonna be Christmas card. So, you ready to go on?

Joey: Yeah, I got everything down except that damn opening monologue. Hey, what do you think about sitting in the front row and mouthing the words to me?

Gina: I don’t know it.

Joey: You know it better than I do.

[Phone Rings]

Joey: (On the phone) Hello. Uh huh. Oh. Okay, thanks. Bye. (Hangs up) Uh oh.

Gina: Fraternity test results?

Joey: No, that was the theater calling. I’m going on tonight.

Gina: You knew that.

Joey: Different theater. Different play.

Gina: What?

Joey: Well, I liked understudying so much I took another job. I- I over-understudied!

Gina: Why would you do that?

Joey: Well I figured if I understudied in more than one thing, it’s increase my odds of getting on stage.

Gina: you know, you think just enough to really screw things up for yourself.

Joey: I know! I know. I can’t believe this. What are the chances of two people getting sick at the same time?

Gina: Well, it’s flu season.

Joey: Get a flu shot!

Gina: You didn’t get a flu shot.

Joey: I’m not in a play! What am I gonna do?

[Michael Enters]

Michael: Hey Joey, there was a weird phone message for you. Your producer called and said you were going on tonight.

Gina: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hunny, he knows already. He’s in two plays tonight.

Joey: Actually I should hear this.

Michael: Okay, the message was Trent’s stuck in Florida so they need you to play the part of Gus.

Gina: You’re in three plays?

Joey: Ah, I was afraid it was Gus! Damnit Trent! Unprofessional, unprofessional, unprofessional!

Gina: So what’s the third play about?

Joey: (Confused) I don’t remember!

Michael: Joey, what are you gonna do?

Joey: Well, I don’t know. I can only do one.

Michael: Well hey, don’t do the one with the monologue in it because you don’t know that one very well.

Joey: But I haven’t studied the dancing in that cowboy thing at all!

[Joey tries to do the dance]

Joey: I don’t know it!

Gina: Oh, please do that one!

Joey: I can’t believe this. What are the chances? It’s like everything’s lining up to screw me! It’s the understudy perfect storm!

[Scene : Bobbie’s Office]

Bobbie: Joey, thank you for coming in. Listen, the reason that I called-

Joey: No no, you didn’t call me. I called you.

Bobbie: Oh, good. I was just about to make something up.

Joey: Okay, look Bobbie, I got a real problem and I need your help. I took an understudy role in this play-

Bobbie: Oh no, I hate plays!

Joey: That’s not the problem.

Bobbie: Oh, it gets worse?

Joey: Well I signed up to understudy in three different plays, and they all want me to go on tonight.

Bobbie: What? Oh, why can’t you just have a coke problem like everyone else?

Joey: I’ll give that some thought!

Bobbie: Alright, you have to do three plays at one. Well lucky for you, I am the queen of multi-tasking. Right now, as we are talking, I am doing butt clenches, and I’m learning Spanish in this earpiece. (Shows Joey her earphones) Me llamo Bobbie! I’m trying to seduce a Mexican soap star. Alright, let’s see if we can juggle these. All three plays are at the same time?

Joey: No, no, no. One starts a little earlier. Oh, and one I’m not in until the second act.

Bobbie: Great! You can do both of those, and for the third, maybe we can get the actor to go on.

Joey: How are we gonna do that?

Bobbie: Well, I’d offer to call and threaten to ruin his career, but it couldn’t do much worse – he’s doing a play.

Joey: Uh, maybe I can just go talk to him.

Bobbie: You do that. You’ll think of something to say. You’re a big, bright guy.

Joey: Yeah, yeah, I get that a lot.

Bobbie: Really? (Talking to the Spanish lesson in her earphones) Ah, enough of that “¿Donde esta la playa?” crap. How do you say “Take off my bra?!”

Joey: Quitame mi Brassiere.

[Scene : The courtyard outside Joey and Michael’s house. Alex is hosting the open house]

Joey: Hey, Alex, how’s the open house going?

Alex: Hey, we’ve had a few bites but no one’s really interested.

Joey: Ah, did you mention there’s a celebrity living in the complex?

Alex: There is? Who?

Joey: Uh, Sir Joey Tribbiani.

Alex: Oh yeah, well let’s keep that quiet. We don’t want the paparazzi crawling around here.

Joey: I hate those bastards always following me around in their helicopters. (Checks the sky for watching helicopters) Well, you better rent it soon because Gina’s gonna be back in a couple of hours.

Alex: Well, I’m doing the best I can. It’s not like I’ve got the greatest prospects here.

Joey: Don’t be so choosey. The important thing is to rent it to someone who’s not my sister, alright? And maybe someone who’s hot, and has Hollywood connections, and HDTV-

Alex: Get out of here!

[Joey walks inside his and Michael’s house]

Joey: Hey Michael, looks like there’s a lot of people at the open-

[Gina pops up from behind the counter. Joey didn’t know she was there.]

Joey: Hi Gina! You’re here. What happened to your wig convention?

Gina: A lot of stylists came down with the flu so they cancelled the whole thing.

Joey: Flu, you are killing me!

Gina: All right Michael, I’m just gonna get your laundry and I’ll be on my way.

[Gina Leaves]

Joey: How long has she been here? Did she see the open house?

Michael: No, she came before it started, but now she just has to stay ‘til it’s over. So how are we gonna keep her here?

Joey: Uh, oh wait, keeping her here will be easy. What’s her favorite thing to do in the world?

Michael: Telling us what to do.

Joey: Be more specific.

Michael: Uh, telling me what to do.

Joey: Exactly! So just, as her advice about something.

Michael: Uh, like what?

Joey: All right, don’t worry. I’ve been working on improve for my new theater class. Watch me think on my feet.

Michael: This is scary.

[Gina Enters]

Gina: Okay guys, I got your laundry. I’m gonna take off.

Michael: OK, you know what mom? Stay. Just ‘cause I wanna talk. I have a problem.

Gina: With what?

Michael: Well, it’s a problem with-

Joey: A girl!

Michael: Yes, with a girl.

Gina: Really? What’s her name?

Joey: Raisin!

Michael: Yes uh, her name is Raisin, and she’s a little bit-

Joey: Cajun!

Michael: ..She’s a little bit Cajun.

Joey: And her father’s a dirty cop!

Gina: (To Michael) Okay, I’m glad you came to me about this. Here’s what you’re gonna do.

Michael: Wait, you actually have some advice about my Cajun girlfriend Raisin?

Gina: First, there’s a few things you two need to get strait-

Joey: Okay, great. I’m taking off.

Michael: Joey, where are you going?

Joey: Well it turns out, time-wise I can still do Richard III and make it across town for the second act in the cowboy musical, so now I gotta convince the sick actor in the third play that he’s well enough to go on instead of me. (Stops to catch his breath) Okay, I’m ready.

[Scene : The sick actor’s (Tim’s) Bedroom]

Joey: Hey Tim.

Tim: Who are you?

Joey: It’s me, Joey, you’re understudy.

Tim: What are you doing here?

Joey: Oh, uh, your roommate let me in. I just really wanted to thank you for giving me the chance to go on tonight, and I want you to know that I am not going to let you down. I’ve been busy making the role of Henry my own.

Tim: You mean Henry?

Joey: (To Himself) Good thing I’m getting out of this one. (To Tim) Anyway, I just want to tell you a little story Tim. Do you like baseball?

Tim: Not really, but I like A-rod. He’s yummy.

Joey: Amen. Uh, anyway, you remind me of this first baseman, Wally Pip.

Tim: Why, did he die with an understudy in his room?

Joey: No, but he was sick one day and he allowed a young no-name backup to come into the game for him, and he never made it back into the line up. You know why?

Tim: Why?

Joey: Because his replacement turned out to be Lou Gehrig, one of the most beloved figures in baseball hitting almost 500 home runs.

[Silence]

Joey: You do know what a homerun is, right?

Tim: I’m not that gay!

Joey: Sorry. Anyway, I just want to leave you with that little story before I go out tonight and act one out of the park.

Tim: Wait, why are you telling me this? Are you threatening me?

Joey: If I was, would it work?

Tim: Is this some kind of All About Eve situation?

Joey: (Not knowing what he means) Uh, if it was, would it work?

Tim: You know, maybe I am starting to feel a little better.

Joey: Really?

Tim: Yeah, I think I can go on tonight.

Joey: Well hey, if that’s what you want Tim, I’m not gonna be the one to stop ya. If only I hadn’t stopped by!

Tim: You know, coming into here and trying to talk me into going on, you may be the worst understudy ever.

Joey: You have no idea!

[Scene : The Courtyard]

Joey: Hey, did you rent the apartment yet?

Alex: I did, finally. Actually to a really nice girl who just moved here from New York.

Joey: Oh, I hope it’s not someone I slept with and never called back.

Alex: I doubt it. I mean, what are the odds?

Joey: Actually, quite high. Come on, let’s go tell Michael the good news.

[Joey and Alex enter Joey’s house. Gina is still talking to Michael about Raisin.]

Gina: She really sounds worth fighting for, but remember, the Cajun are emotional people.

[Joey gives Michael the thumbs-up sign]

Michael: Okay, Mom. Uh, thanks for the advice.

Gina: And I want to meet this Raisin.

Michael: That’s actually gonna be difficult because she lives-

Joey: In a submarine!

Michael: She lives on a submarine.

Gina: All right, I’m gonna take off.

[Howard Enters]

Howard: Okay, okay. Keeping the secret’s been torturing me. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. I can barely Bowflex! Gina, there’s an apartment for rent across the way.

Gina: What?

Howard: They didn’t want me to tell you, but I want you to live here. I think you deserve to know, ‘cause you’re super, super pretty.

Joey: No more Die Hard for you, Howie!

Howard: Really? ‘Cause I just ordered pizza.

Joey: Bring it down and we’ll talk.

[Howard Leaves]

Gina: (To Alex) Did you know about this?

Joey: Hey, hey, hey, she had nothing to do with this.

Alex: It’s true. I would’ve rented it to you in a second. I love having you around. In fact-

Gina: Bite me blondie!

Alex: Okay..

[Alex Leaves]

Gina: Wow, so all day you’ve been trying to keep me from finding out about this place? You guys must’ve really not wanted me to live here, huh?

Joey: Look, Gina, I just thought it would be better for Michael.

Michael: Look, Mom, I’m sorry. I just, I like things the way they are. I like having my own space.

Gina: Me too.

Michael: What?

Gina: Look, there was a time not too long ago when I would’ve wanted to live there and be closer to you, but I have to say this is kinda working out for me. You know, I went strait from being a kid to raising a kid. I’ve never really lived alone before.

Joey: (Realizing) I’ve never lived alone either.

Gina: (To Michael) And it’s scary, but its’ nice. I got the whole place to myself. I can listen to bad music whenever I want. I can light my smelly candles that you hate, and I can take super long baths.

Joey: He’s always interrupting my baths..

Gina: I guess I’m figuring out who I am away from you. And it’s strange, but I’m kinda having fun.

Michael: Oh..

Gina: What?

Michael: It’s just, it’s weird. I didn’t want you to smother me, but now that you’re not doing it anymore, it’s actually kind of sad. I guess things are changing.

Gina: Yeah. In fact, maybe you should start doing your own laundry.

Joey: (To Michael) Haha!

Gina: And maybe you guys should start cooking for yourselves too.

Joey: Hey, you are this boy’s mother!

[Scene : The play. Joey is dressed as a king, practicing his lines backstage.]

Joey: Now is the winter of our discontent. What’s the next line? What’s the next line?! God, please, help me get through this and from now on I promise I will not understudy for more than two plays at once.

[The play starts. Joey walks onto the stage]

Joey: (As the King) Now is the winter of our discontent. Made glorious summer by this sun of York, and all the clouds that lowered upon our house in the deep bosom of the ocean buried. Now, are our brows bound with victorious wreaths? Our brusid arms hung up for monuments. Our stern alarms changed to merry meetings. Our dreadful marches to delightful measures.

[The curtain opens revealing Cowboys dancing. Joey realizes he’s doing the wrong play.]

Joey: Also, enjoy the cowboys!

[Scene : Joey, Michael, and Gina at Joey and Michael’s house]

Joey: Oh, I can’t believe I finally nailed that speech. It was in the wrong play, but still.

Gina: I would like to make a toast to my brother. To his LA stage, debut.

Joey: Aw, to acting.

All: To acting.

[They touch glasses]

Michael: Um, to independence.

All: To independence.

[They touch glasses]

Gina: Oh, and to Michael and Raisin.

All: To Michael and Raisin!

[They touch glasses]

The end

Voir la fiche épisode, le script V.O. et le script V.F.

[Scene : Joey and Michael’s house]

Joey: Do I smell Mom’s special chicken noodle soup?

Gina: That’s right. A box of Lipton’s and a cut up hot dog.

Joey: Man, that woman can cook! (Notices Gina smiling) What are you so happy about?

Gina: Michael. He’s sick.

Joey: And that’s a good thing?

Gina: Yeah, a sick boy needs his mother. I’m necessary again!

[Michael enters]

Gina: Oh, look at him. (To Michael) You look so pale.

[Michael scowls at her]

Joey: Dude, you look awful.

Michael: I feel awful. I think I got the flu.

Gina: Uh, don’t you tease me! Come on, sit down hunny. I want to take your temperature. (To Joey) Do you have a thermometer?

Joey: Uh, I think I do, yeah. When I left Days of Our Lives I took a whole box of stuff.

[Pulls out a box from under the counter]

Gina: They just let you take all that stuff?

Joey: Well, when you shove it down your pants they don’t seem to mind.

Michael: (Looking at some of the props) Why is there writing all over everything?

Joey: Oh that’s dialogue. I used the props as cheat sheets when I had to remember difficult medical jargon.

Michael: (Reading from one of the props) “Hi, I’m Dr. Ramoray”?

Joey: That took twenty takes. This stuff really takes me back. All those years of playing a doctor, I feel like I actually became one, ya know, and these were the tools of my trade. (Pulls out a reflex tester) Knee hammer. (Takes out an ear light) Ear looker. (Puts a stethoscope around his neck) Ah, necklace.

[Opening Credits]

[Scene : An audition studio]

Joey: Uh, hi, I’m here to read for the part of Outraged Man.

Lady: Just sign in right here.

Joey: Like hell I will! Sorry, I bet people have been doing that all day.

Lady: Nope, you’re the only one.

Joey: (Smiles) All right.

[Joey sits down between two guys. He starts talking with the one on his right]

Joey: There sure are a lot of people here for such a small part.

Man: There are no small parts, only small actors.

Joey: Do you mean…children?

Man: I kinda need to go over my lines.

Joey: Not me. I got it all right up here. (Thinks for a second) Nope.

[Joey tries to look on the man’s script, but the man walks away. So, the other man on his left offers.]

Brian: Hey buddy, you need to look on?

Joey: Hey thanks, man. (Looks at the script) Oh right. Got it.

Brian: I’m Brian Michael David Scott.

Joey: That’s a lot of names.

Brian: I’m a lot of actor.

Joey: I’m Joey Tribbiani.

Brian: Oh please, I know who you are. Dr. Drake Ramoray from Days Of Our Lives. I’m a big fan of your work.

Joey: Really? Oh, thanks, man. I’d offer you a Days Of Our Lives t-shirt, but I only got two left and I like to trade those for sex.

Brian: So I guess we’ll be seeing a lot of each other. Ya know, we’re probably up for a lot of the same roles -- male, mid-thirties, dangerous, but sensitive. Man, this audition is taking a long time, I’m gonna call my agent. (Takes out his cell phone) Speed dial. (On the phone) Hi, Lisa. It’s Bri-Mi. Look- Huh? What? You’re kidding. No, wait, wait, don’t blame yourself. I’ll call you back. (Hangs up) Bad news man, they cancelled this audition. They gave the part to someone else.

Joey: And no one here told us? Now I really am Outraged Man! Well who’d they give it to?

Brian: Probably someone who was willing to sleep with the producer. That’s the way this town works, right? There -- I said it!

Joey: Oh, I guess we can go then, huh?

Brian: You know what, you go. I’m gonna stick around. My apartment doesn’t have air conditioning.

Joey: Really great meeting you, Brian..

Brian: Brian Michael David Scott.

Joey: How do you feel about “Dude?”

Brian: Awesome, my brotha.

Joey: Alright.

[Joey leaves as the casting director walks out]

Casting Director: Joey Tribbiani? Joey?

[The casting director marks him off the list, and goes back into the studio. Joey walks back in the other door.]

Joey: Hey did- did someone say my name?

Brian: No, uh, no one did, but uh someday soon everyone will.

[Joey Smiles]

[Scene : Joey and Michael’s house. Joey, Michael, and Gina are in the living room.]

[Michael sneezes]

Gina: I’m gonna go get you some more tea.

Joey: Hey Gain, look, you’ve been here a couple days now without a break. Why don’t you let me take over? Ya know, go have a little “Gina Time.”

Gina: I don’t have “Gina Time” anymore. I’m a mother. I don’t go out. I don’t go on dates. I don’t have fun. I don’t do anything for myself anymore.

Joey: (Points to her chest, referring to her boob job) So you got those for Michael?

[Gina glares at him, and scares Joey, so he walks back over to the couch with Michael.]

Joey: Yeah, she’s not going anywhere. How you feelin’?

Michael: Not great, but everything’s gonna be fine tomorrow.

Joey: How do you figure?

Michael: Well, if she doesn’t leave by then, I’m gonna kill myself.

Joey: Don’t be so dramatic.

Michael: She said we’re gonna flush my system, Joey. I don’t know what that means.

Joey: Yeah, you’re grandmother was the same way when I was sick. I’ve had my system flushed -- makes you ask yourself some big questions.

Gina: (Gives Michael his tea) Here ya go. (To Joey) You gotta get up. Michael needs to take his nap in here.

Michael: She makes me take a nap every day at one. Not tomorrow though.

Joey: Alright alright, I’ll go watch TV in my room.

Gina: No, no, no, no, no. You can’t. I put this humidifier in there, it’s filling up with steam.

Joey: What? You just take over my room? I got private stuff in there.

Gina: Well if you’re worried about me reading your diary it’s too late. (Mocking Joey’s diary entries) “Dear Diary, Gina’s mean to me..”

Joey: That’s going straight in the book! Look Gina, I know Michael’s sick, but this is my apartment. I need some space.

Gina: Look, why don’t you just go to my place. You can stay there until he gets better.

Joey: I don’t wanna do that.

Gina: There’s lasagna in the fridge and I have Cinemax.

Joey: Get me the keys!

[Scene : An audition studio. Brian Michael David Scott walks out of the audition room.]

Brian: No no, thank you. It’s easy when the words are this good.

Joey: Dude.

Brian: Hey, Joey.

Joey: How’d you do in there?

Brian: Really well, Hey uh, I know we’re in competition for this thing, but if I don’t get the part, I hope that you do. How ‘bout that?

Joey: You are awesome.

Brian: No, I’m just Brian Michael David Scott, Joey.

Joey: Hey, you added a “Joey!”

[Casting Director enters]

Casting Director: Joey Tribbiani?

Joey: Yeah, right here.

Brian: Hey buddy, listen. I got some inside info on this audition and I wouldn’t feel right about leaving without sharing it with my new best friend.

Joey: Great, what do you got?

Brian: This casting director is deaf, so you gotta scream all your lines.

Joey: Thanks that is good to know.

[Joey enters the audition room]

Joey: (Yelling) “Maybe this isn’t the best place to tell you this, but I love you Sharon! I love you with all my heart! (Still yelling as he walks out the door) So when will I know if I got it? (To himself) What’s the middle finger in sign language?

[Scene : Bobbie’s office. Bobbie is on the phone as Joey walks in.]

Bobbie: Yeah well Mother, I don’t understand what you’re so upset about. So there going to remove your uterus. What do you need it for? I gotta go. Yeah, I love you too. Bye.

[Bobbie hangs up the phone]

Joey: Uh, what did you want to see me about?

Bobbie: I wanted to explain to you how the business works. See you book a job, and I get 10 percent. Do you know what 10 percent of zero is?

Joey: Let’s see, 6 goes into 40..

Bobbie: God! I have never wanted to slap you more! You’re ruining your career. You don’t show up at an audition. You scream at a casting director.

Joey: The only reason I did that is ‘cause he’s deaf.

Bobbie: Who told you that?

Joey: This actor. I see him at all my auditions. He gives me pointers.

Bobbie: Is he the reason why you went into an audition, you threw away your script and you started barking?

Joey: Yeah, did I get that part?

Bobbie: Aw, Joey, he’s messing with your head.

Joey: What?

Bobbie: Yeah, you’re little friend is shoving crap up your pooper! Joey, you’re such a sweet naive guy, but you can’t let people take advantage of you.

Joey: I can’t believe this.

Bobbie: Well, I can’t believe they take the fat out of my ass and put it in my lips, but they do!

[Scene : Gina’s House. Joey is in Gina’s bed, writing in his diary.]

Joey: “But then she surprises me. Like tonight, she generously offered me her place to stay. Well, I guess that’s all for now until tomorrow. Sincerely…Love, Joey. (He puts up the diary and goes to sleep)

[Cut to same scene. Time has passed. A man walks into Gina’s room and crawls into the bed with Joey thinking that it’s Gina.]

Roger: Hey babydoll.

Joey: What?!

Roger: What?! Who are you?!

Joey: Who are you?!

Roger: I’m Roger.

Joey: I’m Joey…well, that doesn’t help us at all!

Roger: I’m Gina’s boyfriend.

Joey: Gina doesn’t have a boyfriend. I’m her brother. I would know.

Roger: You’re her brother? Oh, you’re not supposed to know about me. Could you just pretend like you don’t know what’s going on?

Joey: I don’t know what’s going on!

Roger: Now all we gotta do is decide which one of us gets to stay-

Joey: Get outta here!

[Roger leaves and Joey gets his diary back out]

[Scene : Joey and Michael’s house. Gina is sitting at the counter. Joey enters.]

Joey: Hey. So, I found out about your little secret last night.

Gina: Oh my god, last night was Wednesday. I forgot. Poor Roger.

Joey: Poor Roger? Poor Roger’s bed buddy! That guy’s all hands!

Gina: Let’s not make a big deal about this okay. He’s just some guy I’ve been seeing.

Joey: So why didn’t you just tell me about him?

Gina: Because I knew you would tell Michael.

Joey: So?

Gina: So, he doesn’t like to know about that stuff. When he was twelve and I was seeing this guy, he built a BioDome in the backyard and he wouldn’t come out until I stopped dating him.

Joey:What’s a BioDome?

Gina: It’s like a nerd fort.

Joey: He’s an adult. Alright, you can tell him if you’re dating someone. It’s silly not to.

[Michael Enters]

Michael: What’s going on?

Joey: Okay Michael, come here. Your mother has something that she wants to tell ya. Have a seat.

[They all take a seat on the couch]

Gina: Look, you know that I’m a woman and that I have needs.

Michael: Well I don’t like the direction of this at all.

Gina: I’ve been dating somebody. It’s been going on a couple of months now. Look I know how sensitive you are, are you okay?

Michael: I’m fine. It’s just- I need some time to process this can you, can you just give me a minute?

Gina: Of course.

[Gina walks into the other room]

Michael: Yes, yes, yes!

Joey: Alright! What am I excited about?

Michael: Don’t you get it? She’s finally met someone. Therefore, I’m no longer the only thing in her life.

Joey: Wow, that is good.

Michael: It’s great! She could fall in love. They could get married. I mean, what if he’s one of those guys that wants to be with her every minute, and is jealous of her son, and he turns her against me..Think of it!

Joey: Yeah, yeah. We could be free. We could do whatever we want. We could walk around here naked.

Michael: We can! But let’s not..

Joey: Sorry buddy, my parts are begging to breathe.

Michael: We need to encourage my mom. I need to give her my blessing. Maybe we could have him over here. Yeah, yeah, this is incredible. It’s the greatest day of my life! Come here!

[They hug as Gina enters. Joey acts like Michael’s crying]

Joey: Oh, could you just, just give us a minute, yeah.

[Scene : An audition studio. Joey enters, and Brian Michael David Scott is already there.]

Brian: Hey, Joey. Listen, I’m next, but uh a little heads up on this casting director – she just had a boob job, and if you don’t comment on them right away she’ll get very upset.

Joey: Not this time, Brian Michael David Scott.

Brian: Hey, you got it right.

Joey: Yeah, I wrote it on my hand so I wouldn’t forget.

Brian: Why didn’t you just write it on a piece of paper?

Joey: Oh, you’d like that wouldn’t ya! Look, I know you’ve been screwing me out of all these jobs and I wanna know why right now.

Brian: Okay, okay, you wanna know why?

Joey: Yeah.

Brian: It’s because I’m intimidated by you.

Joey: Oh sure you are.

Brian: No really. When I saw you at that first audition I was like “I should just go home, this guy’s amazing.”

Joey: Yeah, well the director from yesterday doesn’t think so. I barked at him and licked his face!

Brian: I never told you to lick him.

Joey: I was in the moment!

Brian: I’m sorry I tricked you, but what am I supposed to do? I’m just a hack who’s lucky to get a job. You’re Joey Tribbiani. You’re a real actor.

Joey: Hey, look man, there are no real actors, only small children.

Brian: I can’t believe I treated you this way. I want to make it up to you. I’m next. They told me “Go in whenever you’re ready.” You take my place. I’m not even gonna audition.

Joey: Really?

Brian: Yeah, I’ve been a jerk. For me, please.

[Brian Michael David Scott opens the door for Joey]

Brian: Knock ‘em dead.

[After going through the door, Brian locks it and Joey's in a stairwell.]

Joey: Damn you! (Looks at his hand) Pick up milk! (Looks at his other hand) Brian Michael David Scott!

[Scene : Joey and Michael’s house]

Gina: Hey you guys, Roger’s gonna be here any minute to pick me up. (To Michael) Are you sure you’re okay meeting Roger?

Michael: Well, ya know, I can’t say it’s gonna be easy. I mean, the guy’s gonna take my mother away. I’ll try to keep an open mind.

[Roger knocks on the door]

Michael: God what a knock. I approve. Go to him.

[Roger Enters]

Roger: Hey, Gina.

Gina: Roger, you know Joey.

Roger: Know him? We were in bed together.

Joey: Hey, don’t kiss and tell, Rog.

Gina: And I’d like you to meet my Michael.

Roger: Hey, hey, little man.

Michael: (To Joey) He is the chosen one.

Gina: So why don’t you guys sit down and get to know each other.

Joey: Yeah, all right.

Gina: Perhaps a cocktail’s in order. I trust everyone here likes Jager?

Joey: So, we are so glad you’re with Gina. We’ve never seen her happier.

Roger: Really? She’s always yelling at me and calling me names.

Joey: No, no, no, no, no. That’s how we Tribbiani’s show affection. (To Michael) Nerd.

Michael: Washed up Soap-Actor.

Joey: Heh heh. Virgin!

Gina: Here we go, three Jagers and one NyQuil.

[Michael hands Roger a Jager]

Michael: Here ya go, papa. Oh, did I just call you that? It felt so natural.

Gina: Baby we better get going if we’re gonna catch that movie. I’m just gonna go fix my face so I look presentable for my gentleman friend. (She downs her Jager and growls)

[Gina Leaves]

Joey: So Rog, what do you do for a living?

Roger: Well, I was working for a big construction company in Newport, but I lost a toe on the job.

Michael: Oh man, I’m sorry.

Roger: Oh, don’t be. I made a ton of money off it. I mean one minute I’m standing on this table saw..drinking beer, and the next minute I got all these suits shoving checks at me.

Joey: Great.

Roger: Yeah, but I burnt that money pretty quick. So I gotta figure out a way to get some more cash.

Joey: Not another toe.

Roger: No, no, no. I’m gonna lose a finger. I’m thinking about losing a pinky. I mean, there’s so many ways you can lose a finger. You got drills, saws, sanders, punch presses. (Pretends to chop off his pinky) Whoops! Better not get used to using that one, huh? Phew.

Michael: Uh, well work’s not everything. I’m sure you have some cool hobbies.

Roger: I like a nice pair of jeans.

Joey: Jeans? That’s a hobby?

Roger: Well, I’m not professional or anything.

[Gina Enters]

Gina: We should probably get going.

Roger: Okay. It was really good to meet you guys. A little tip, if you slip in the movie theater bathroom and hit your head on the sink..free popcorn!

[Michael gives Gina the thumbs-up sign. Gina and Roger leave.]

Joey: What’s the matter with you? Don’t be doing this! (Does the thumbs-up sign Michael gave to Gina) That’s Roger after his next job!

Michael: Okay, so he’s different. The important thing is he likes her, and he’s taking her off my hands.

Joey: Whoa, whoa, Michael. That’s really selfish. What’s more important your space or your mother’s happiness?

Michael: My space. And I had to pretend to think about it.

[Scene : Joey and Michael’s house. Gina returns after her date with Roger]

Michael: How was your movie?

Gina: Eh, we were late. We drove by a Levi’s store and Roger got side-tracked.

Joey: We have to talk. Michael, anything you want to say to your mother about Roger?

Michael: I think he’s a keeper.

Joey: No he’s not. Gina, this guy’s a joke.

Gina: Look, I know Roger’s not the brightest, or the funniest, or the most ambitious..

Joey: But?

Gina: Well it’s not like I have a lot of choices. Most guys my age are looking to date twenty year olds, not go out with someone with a twenty year old. It’s the best I can do. I’m not a great catch.

Joey: What are you talking about? You could always have anyone you wanted.

Gina: That was a long time ago, Joey. Now I take what I can get.

Michael: Take what you an get? Mom, no, that’s not okay. You’re, you deserve a lot better.

Gina: I thought you liked him.

Michael: I did, but that’s when I was lying. I just thought that it would be good for you to have someone in your life, so you wouldn’t have to worry about me so much. I mean, I’m a grown man.

Joey: You’re gonna fill out some, right?

Michael: And you are a catch. Are you kidding me? You’re smart, and your funny, and you’re beautiful. All my friends have crushes on you.

Gina: Yeah well I’m like the third girl those guys have seen.

Joey: You just gotta hold out until you find someone great. Okay? And when you do, even that guy’s not gonna be good enough as far as I’m concerned.

Gina: Oh, Joey.

Michael: And you know, I wasn’t gonna tell you this before, but my fever’s back.

Gina: Oh, you’re so good to me!

[Scene : An audition studio. Joey is already there. Brian Michael David Scott enters.]

Brian: Okay look, I know you’re probably still man about that stairwell thing, but I saved you life! Right after you got locked in there, three masked gunman burst into the-

Joey: No more crap up my pooper! You are about to be very sorry you ever messed with Joey Tribbiani. Did you get a phone call from your agency this morning? (In a girl’s voice) “Hello Bri-Mi, it’s Lisa. The location of your audition’s been changed.

Brian: What?

Joey: The location wasn’t changed. That audition’s going on right now on the other side of town, my brotha!

Brian: I was perfect for that part!

Joey: Yeah well, too bad. You better think long and hard before you mess with me again, because from now on I’m fighting back. Are we clear?

Brian: Yeah. Except for one thing, if I’m missing that audition-

Joey: Oh yeah!

Brian: ..Aren’t you missing it too?

[Joey stops to think]

Joey: Come on, I’ll give you a ride!

[End]

Voir la fiche épisode, le script V.O. et le script V.F.

[Scene : The parking lot outside Joey’s building. Joey and Gina are in the car. Joey parks.]

Joey: Huh? I’m getting pretty good at this parallel parking. (He didn’t actually parallel park. He just pulled straight into a parking spot)

Gina: That’s not what this is, but okay.

Joey: You know, it was uh- it was fun site seeing with you. How’d you know where all those celebrities live?

Gina: I’ve done some light stalking in my day.

Joey: Oh, look at this poor guy (Referring to the owner of the car parked next to his) He’s got like 10 tickets and a boot.

Gina: I’ve seen this car. It’s been here for like a month. Who would leave their car like this?

Joey: Well whoever he is, he’s a big fan of mine. He’s got a stack of my head shots in the front seat.

Gina: Joey, when you bought your new car, you did return the rental, right?

[Joey takes out his keys, pushes the unlock button on one of the remotes, and the car beeps to show that it unlocked]

Joey: Nope.

[Opening Credits]

[Scene : Joey and Michael’s house. Joey and Michael are in the kitchen. Gina enters.]

Joey: Hey, what are you doing here so early?

Gina: I just had to get out of that salon. I hate work so much. I knew I shoulda been a corrections officer like that test said.

Michael: You’re still having problems with your boss?

Gina: Yeah! Viktor is such a creep. He’s always standing over me, and criticizing me, and telling me what to do. He’s like mom with a moustache.

Joey: Have you seen mom lately? (Whistles and indicates that his mom does have a moustache)

Michael: Hwy do you work at a job that makes you crazy?

Joey: Easy, college. In the real world, work isn’t always a picnic.

Gina: Please, you make pretend for a living.

Joey: Uh, I have done my time in the trenches.

Gina: Oh yeah, doing what?

Joey: Diggin’! What other job do you do in a trench?

Gina: Oh, I just wish I had my own place. This way instead of working for the horrible boss, I could be the horrible boss.

Joey: Oh, yeah, you’d be good at that. You’re always telling us what to do.

Michael: Oh yeah. (Imitating Gina) “Michael, don’t sit so close to the TV. You’ll go blind.

Joey: Yeah, or uh, “Hey Joey, get your hand outta your pants!”

Michael: Or “Michael, tell Joey to get his hand outta his pants!”

Joey: Well, so why don’t you open your own place?

Gina: Because I don’t have the money.

Joey: You must have some.

Gina: I did. (Points to her chest, indicating her boob job) Now I don’t. Ugh, all right I gotta get goin’ back there. See ya.

Michael: Bye.

[Gina leaves]

Joey: God, she seems miserable. I wish there was something we could do to help.

Michael: You could give her money, to start her own salon.

Joey: I meant like buy her cake.

Michael: You know what I mean. You’ve gotta have some money saved up.

Joey: I do, but that money’s a safety net for me, and besides, it’s not a good time for me to be spending money. I’m in a new city, I don’t have a job, and I got twelve hundred dollars in parking tickets…from a car I still haven’t returned!

Michael: Maybe it’s not a great time right now. It’s not like you have to give her all your money.

Joey: Look Michael, I can’t dip into my savings. Alright, there are harsh realities to being an actor. That money is specifically set aside in case I ever lose my looks.

Michael: What? Why? I mean, even if you turn ugly you’re such a great actor. You’ll still get tons of work.

Joey: That is weak dude.

[Scene : The courtyard. Joey is dipping his feet in the spa, and Alex is cleaning it out.]

Joey: I cannot wait for my entire body to feel what my feet are feeling.

Alex: How many hours a day do you spend in here?

Joey: Well, my record is 9, but uh…I was passed out for five of them.

Alex: Oh, one of the kids lost his little military men.

Joey: Oh, Sergeant Drop-kick!

Alex: So, Eric’s coming home tonight.

Joey: Your husband? Oh great, great. I finally get to meet him. He’s been gone so long.

Alex: I know, but now his orchestra’s playing in town.

Joey: Oh, what instrument does he play?

Alex: The viola.

Joey: (Thinks Alex was trying to say “violin” instead of “viola”) Lin. Violin.

Alex: (Laughs) Thanks. Listen, about Eric, there’s one problem. Um, I mentioned my new pal Joey to him, and I got the impression that he was a bit threatened.

Joey: Come on, by me?

Alex: Yeah, well I told him about the two of us hanging out, and I guess he thinks it’s weird -- his wife doing stuff with a single guy.

Joey: That’s ridiculous. I’ve always had women friends, and there’s nothing sexual about it. I love the way women think. I love the way they laugh. I love their soft hands. I love the small of their back. The curve of their -- oh I see why he’d be upset.

Alex: It’s not like anything would ever happen with us. And it’s a little insulting, like I can’t handle a couple of weeks alone. Like I can’t go that long. Like I just gotta have it, and any man will do.

Joey: Alex, it’s nothing to be ashamed of.

Alex: I do not have to have it.

[Joey looks at her funny]

Alex: I don’t!

Joey: Okay look, he’ll see that there’s nothing between us, and that he has nothing to worry about, and it’ll be fine, right?

Alex: Absolutely.

Joey: Yeah, and a little tip – Maybe, just maybe, if you knew the name of the instrument he played, he might not feel so threatened.

Alex: No, I know what a violin is-

Joey: There you go!

[Scene : Gina’s hair salon. Gina is cutting someone’s hair, and Joey enters.]

Joey: Hey Gina, sorry I’m late for lunch.

Gina: Oh that’s okay. I’m just finishing up here.

Joey: So uh, where’s this Viktor guy you keep complaining about?

Gina: Well around lunch time he either goes to the gun shop next door or the strip club on the corner.

Joey: Nice neighborhood by the way.

Gina: Tell me about your day. I’m bored stiff here.

Joey: I just found out that Alex’s husband thinks it’s weird that we hang out.

Gina: Well it is a little weird. I mean, a married woman and a single guy…

Lady: (The girl who’s hair Gina is cutting) Uh-oh, not okay.

Gina: Oh, you speak English. (Indicating to Joey how long they’ve known each other) 5 years! Well, you guys hanging out would be okay if you knew her before she was married - which you didn’t, or if you were friends with them as a couple – which you’re not, or if you were gay – which would be okay.

Joey: Would you stop with that!

Gina: (To the lady who’s hair she’s cutting) He’s an actor, the lines are blurred.

Joey: What, so you’re saying I can’t be friends with Alex?

Gina: No, just play it low while her husband’s around. Otherwise he’s gonna be threatened by you. You’re a good-looking guy.

Joey: Yeah, I guess you’re right. (Looks in the mirror) Sometimes I wish I was only an eight and a half.

[Viktor enters]

Viktor: Gina, I have some bad news – no pay check tonight. All money from register went down stripper’s panties. Who is dis? (Points to Joey)

Gina: This is my brother. He’s visiting me.

Viktor: Oh I forgot, this is not a salon. This is “Viktor’s House for Family Reunions.”

Joey: (Whispering to Gina) Uh, I’ll get out of your way.

[Joey sits down and trys to hide behind a magazine]

Viktor: The magazine is only for customer.

Joey: (Sets down the magazine) Okay.

Viktor: So is the chair.

[Joey stands up]

Viktor: So is floor.

Joey: Aw, come on!

[Joey pulls himself up on a coat hook so that he’s not on the floor. Viktor leaves.]

[Scene : Joey and Michael’s house. Michael enters.]

Michael: Hey.

Joey: Hey.

Michael: By the way the Rent-a-car’s still there.

Joey: (Looks at the bow he tied around his wrist) That’s what this is for! Oh hey, I went by your mother’s salon today. I met her boss.

Michael: Pretty horrible, huh?

Joey: Yeah. The guy’s like a Russian Joseph Stalin. I can’t believe she has to work there.

Michael: Well, there is a way to fix that. Give her some money.

Joey: Oh Michael, I don’t know.

Michael: Just think about everything she’s done for you. She found you this place. She- she made it into a home. If the situation were reversed, she’d do it for you in a heartbeat.

Joey: Yeah, that’s true.

Michael: And it’ll just be a loan. I mean, she’ll pay you back. In fact, she’d probably let you name the salon.

Joey: Oooo. The Hair Place. No, no, no. The Hair Up There. No, no, no. Captain Fabulouso’s Cave of Hair! Okay, okay, Let’s do it.

Michael: Really?

Joey: Yeah, yeah, it’s the right thing to do.

Michael: Oh, can I call her and have her come over so we can tell her?

Joey: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I’m just gonna take a quick dip in the hot tub, so say, two/three hours.

Michael: Alright.

[Scene : The courtyard. Joey walks out of his house. He doesn’t realize there is someone else in the hot tub.]

Joey: (Talking to his soldier toys) Okay, time for relaxation men. You’ve earned it. (Notices the other man in the hot tub. It’s Alex’s husband, Eric, but Joey doesn’t know that.) Oh, hi.

Eric: Evenin’.

Joey: Sorry, I’ll just try back later.

Eric: No, no, come on. There’s room in here for both of us.

Joey: Uh, not the way I hot tub.

Eric: Alright, well uh, I’ll try not to keep you and your men waiting long.

Joey: What, these? These aren’t mine.

[Joey throws the toy soldiers down, and one falls in the water]

Joey: (gasps)

[Eric takes the soldier out of the water and gives it to Joey]

Joey: Thanks. So I uh, I haven’t seen you around here before.

Eric: My orchestra’s been on tour.

Joey: Oh, you must be Eric, Alex’s husband. I’m Joey.

[When Joey reveals who he is, Eric’s smile turns to a frown]

Eric: You’re Joey?

[Joey nods]

Eric: Oh, thank God! (Laughs) Oh God. Man, that is great.

Joey: Yeah. (Laughs) What?

Eric: No, it’s just that Alex said she’d been spending a lot of time with you recently, and I was just- I was expecting something else. That’s all. Look, it is really great to meet you.

Joey: Yeah, you too.

[They shake hands]

Joey: Uh, so, we’re good?

Eric: (Laughs) Oh yeah. We’re good.

[Eric leaves]

Joey: Why are we good? (Looks at the ribbon tied around his wrist) What the hell is that thing for?

[Scene : Joey and Michael’s house. Joey enters]

Michael: Hey. So, mom’s on her way over and I’m looking at the commercial real estate listings. It’s like-

Joey: Hey! Do you find me threatening?!

Michael: Not until this very moment.

Joey: Alex tells me her husband is paranoid I’ll steal her away, then he meets me and suddenly everything’s fine!

Michael: Maybe he just thinks your not Alex’s type.

Joey: Please, I’ve done it lots of times where no one was anyone’s type. He doesn’t think I’m good looking. I can’t believe this. I’m about to give away my Lose My Looks fund, and now I’m actually losing my looks!

Michael: Joey, you look great. I mean, just the other day you were upon that step stool, and I couldn’t help admiring your calf muscle.

Joey: I kinda knew you were looking.

[Knocking]

Gina: (From outside) It’s me!

Michael: Oh, I can’t wait to tell her about the salon.

Joey: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Why do you get to tell her?

Michael: ‘Cause you get to name it.

Joey: Oh that’s right!

[Michael opens the door]

Gina: I’m really trying to imagine what’s so important that it can’t wait until after JAG.

Michael: Alright, come on mom. Sit down. There’s something we want to tell you.

Gina: Oh my god. JAG got cancelled?

Joey: No, sit down. Sit down. Here. (Hands her a check)

Gina: What’s this?

Joey: It’s a loan. It’s not that much, but hopefully it’s enough to get you started.

Gina: Get me started with what?

Joey: Captain Fabulouso’s Cave of Hair!

Michael: Mom, it’s for your own salon.

Gina: Oh my god. Are you kidding me? No. No, this is to much.

Joey: No, no, no, no, no. We want you to have it.

Gina: This must be all the money in your lose your looks fund. Oh thank you. Thank you so much.

Michael: And um, I’m gonna cash in my savings bond too, which I know it’s not a lot of money, but it’s yours.

Gina: Oh honey, you’re so sweet, but I cashed that in like five years ago to help pay for your braces.

Michael: I didn’t have braces.

Gina: You guys are the best!

[Scene : Joey and Michael’s]

Michael: Hi.

Joey: Hey.

Michael: I’m gonna go into my room and study. What are you gonna do?

Joey: Well, I’m luring Alex’s husband over here with a pretend maintenance problem – ‘cause he’s the super, but my real plan is to prove to him that I’m sexy.

Michael: We lead very different lives, you and I.

[Michael leaves. Eric knocks on the door, and Joey answers.]

Joey: Hey.

Eric: Hey, uh, so there’s some kind of problem with the fireplace?

Joey: Yeah, the flue seems to be all clogged up and I was hoping to light a fire.

Eric: It’s eighty degrees out.

Joey: Ah, well I’m always chilly. I have very, very, very low body fat.

Eric: Yeah, well me too. Actually I’m about eleven percent. What about you?

Joey: Zero.

Eric: Okay, I’ll just- I’ll check out the fireplace.

[They walk over to the fireplace. A copy of Soap Opera Digest with Joey on the cover is in the fireplace]

Joey: Oh, would you look at what someone left layin’ around. Soap Opera Digest from 1997. Look at that, huh? Most sexy newcomer – Joey Tribbiani. Who writes this fluff? That’s an old photo too, back from my modeling days.

Eric: You were a male model?

Joey: Well, I was, but I was kicked out of the business for being too promiscuous. So you uh, you look like you could use a hand there.

Eric: Uh, no no, I’m good actually.

Joey: Oh, either way, maybe I’ll just roll up the old pant leg and lend a hand. Oh, barely fits over my muscular calves. Look.

Eric: Okay, alright, I see what’s going on here. You’re gay.

Joey: What? No! But if I was, I would be attracted to myself!

[Eric looks up into the fireplace and pulls out a huge wad of newspaper]

Eric: Well, here’s your problem.

Joey: How on Earth did a wad of newspaper get up there?

Eric: I don’t know but uh, it’s today’s paper.

[Alex enters]

Alex: Honey, Mel just called. Rehearsal got moved up an hour.

Eric: Oh gees, I better get a move on.

Alex: I’ll hold dinner.

Eric: Oh, no no. Uh, have it with Joey. And I opened a great bottle of wine. Don’t let it go to waste all right? And Joey, be careful, okay? When she drinks, she will want to dance for you.

Joey: Okay.

[Eric Leaves]

Alex: So do you want to come over-

Joey: What the hell was that?!

Alex: Oh, okay.

Joey: Your husband wasn’t threatened by me at all!

Alex: Oh, well that’s great.

Joey: No it’s not! Why isn’t he?

Alex: Uh, maybe he thanks you’re not my type.

Joey: Okay, I did not wanna have to do this, but take a look! (He shows her his calf muscle) Why doesn’t he think I’m a threat?

Alex: I don’t know, but if it’ll make you feel better, I guess I could ask.

Joey: Yeah, yeah do that as soon as he’s done playing his viola. Damnit! Now you got me sayin’ it!

[Scene : An empty building. Joey, Michael, and Gina are looking at it for her new salon.]

Michael: Now this is a nice space. There’s good street traffic. There’s great parking. Look, there’s already plumbing for a bunch of sinks. We could put those over here.

Joey: God, there’s so much room, you could practically roller skate in here. How good are you at cuttin’ hair in skates?

Michael: So what do you think of it?

Gina: It seems nice.

Joey: Nice? Gina this is definitely the best place we’ve seen. And once you sign the lease, you can order the equipment and start hiring people.

Michael: And then you can fire people. And you’ll actually have the authority to do it. Not like that time we went to Home Depot and you started firing anyone who wouldn’t wait on you.

Gina: Oh, I mean, I haven’t even said yes to this place and you already have me hiring employees.

Michael: Well yeah, there must be room for like six stylists in here.

Joey: Ah, they’re gonna have to learn how to skate too.

Gina: Six stylists? That’s a big operation.

Michael: Mom, you just gotta use a little imagination. We’re gonna paint the walls, okay, we’ll put some new tile down.

Gina: You’re kinda throwing a lot of stuff at me.

Joey: Ooh! If we put mirrors on this wall, and mirrors on this wall, then the bird and the fish can look at each other!

Gina: Bird and fish?

Joey: captain Fabulouso’s a pirate. Squawk!

Michael: Mom, I think we should take this place right now, ‘cause if we don’t, someone else will.

Gina: Maybe I should sleep on it.

Michael: Come on, you gotta make a decision!

Gina: I- I can’t do this right now. I gotta go.

[Gina leaves]

Michael: What did we do?

Joey: Oh you know what, I bet she wants this to be her place, and we’re totally telling her what to do and taking over.

Michael: Oh, I guess that’s true.

Joey: You guess? Come on, dude, some of your ideas were pretty stupid.

[Scene : Joey’s back porch. Alex is outside. Joey enters]

Joey: Hey, Alex.

Alex: Hey.

Joey: So uh, did you- did you talk to your husband? Did he tell you why he’s not threatened by me?

Alex: Oh, yeah, let’s just forget about that.

Joey: Uh, you did talk to him. I wanna know what he said. Maybe he thinks I’m too attractive -- thinks you could never get a guy like me.

Alex: No..and wow.

Joey: Then what?

Alex: Okay, well, he thinks you’re goofy.

Joey: Goofy?

Eric: Well he makes snap judgments about people, and he saw you as this out of work actor who sits in the Jacuzzi all day and plays with toys.

Joey: They’re not toys, they’re heroes, but..okay, all right. Great, mystery solved. Good to know. I’ll- I’ll talk to you later, okay?

Alex: Wait, Joey.

[They walk inside Joey’s house]

Alex: You don’t think that he’s right? That you’re goofy, do you?

Joey: I wanna say no, ya know? Then I look at these drawings of dragons I was doing all day, and..

Alex: But that’s sweet, and there’s much more to you than what he sees. I mean, you’re so good. I see how nice you are to everyone in the building, and to your nephew, and you gave your sister money to start her won business.

Joey: How’d you know that?

Alex: The walls are thin and I’m a little nosy. And, it’s not just the way you treat other people - It’s the way you treat me.

Joey: What do you mean?

Alex: You always ask me about my day. You know I’m lonely, so you include me in stuff. And to be this sweet and as great looking as you are – My husband may not be threatened, but maybe he should be.

[Joey looks at Alex, and she realizes what she just said]

Alex: (trying to cover it up) But, more than anything you’re just goofy.

Joey: Yeah. Yeah, and I got the dragons to prove it.

Alex: Yeah.

[Scene : Gina’s house. Joey and Michael knock on the door]

Gina: Come in.

Joey: Okay look Gina, we just came by to say that we’re sorry, all right? We were throwing a lot of ideas at you. Some of them were good, some of them were Michael’s, but we just want you to know that we are gonna back off.

Michael: Yeah, from now on the salon, it’s your project.

Joey: Yeah. You won’t be getting anymore input from us. (Really quickly) Although it would be cool if the fish was a Japanese Fighting Fish. Okay, I’m done.

Gina: You guys, that’s not why I was upset.

Michael: Then what, what was it?

Gina: It’s just, I don’t want my own salon.

Joey: Hey Gina, look, I know what it’s like to start something new. When I moved out here from New York-

Gina: Oh, I can not here this again. People move all the time. Get over it!

Joey: Wow!

Michael: It does seem to come up a lot.

Joey: The point is, it’s natural to be scared.

Gina: I am not scared. Just when we were looking at that place today, I realized I don’t want to start my own business.

Michael: You don’t?

Gina: No. It sounds like a lot of work. Don’t you realize that this is the first time since you were born that I haven’t had a ton of responsibility? And don’t get me wrong. Raising you was one of the best things I ever did, but it was work.

Michael: I thought you said I was a really easy kid.

Gina: Honey, the therapist told me to tell you that. I appreciate what you guys are trying to do, but at least you helped me realize that I’m too good to work for Viktor. I am gonan quit.

Joey: Hey, that’s great.

Michael: It’s awesome.

Gina: I know. I just finished writing my letter of resignation. (She shows them the letter)

Michael: Huh.

Gina: Do you this dumbass should be hyphenated?

Michael: Well, when it’s followed by that word and that word, I wouldn’t worry so much about the punctuation.

Gina: Oh Joey, you should know that I got a couple of different job leads and as soon as one pans out, I’ll give you back most of your money.

Joey: Okay. Most?

Gina: Ah, enough about me. How are you handling the move from New York?

Joey: I thought you would never ask.

[Scene : Joey and Michael’s House]

Joey: I did it. I am finally done with the rental car.

Michael: You paid all the tickets?

Joey: Uh huh.

Michael: You got the boot taken off? And you returned it to the right place?

Joey: Yes and yes. I am taking off this string. (He pulls up his shirt sleeve and unties it. He pulls up his other shirtsleeve to find another bow) Oh, what the hell is this one for?!

[End]

Voir la fiche épisode, le script V.O. et le script V.F.

[Scene : Joey and Michael’s House. Gina Enters carrying a box]

Gina: Hey hunny, I found a box of your stuff in the closet. You must’ve forgotten it in your big boy move.

Joey: Oh, what do we got there?

[Michael rummages through the box]

Michael: I think, oh-

Joey: Wow, look at all the trophies. I had no idea you were so into sports.

Gina: Heh, Michael into sports? Those are academic decathlon trophies.

Michael: Yeah. They’re actually just bowling trophies with the bowling balls cut off.

Joey: Ooh, I was wondering why all the smart people stood like this. (Does a bowling stance)

Michael: Oh, check this out. It’s a picture of my old decathlon team.

Joey: Oh wow, that’s your team, huh?

Michael: Yeah.

Joey: That girl’s actually kinda cute.

Michael: That’s me.

[Michael pulls a tape out of the box]

Michael: I wonder what’s on these. (Goes to play the tape)

Joey: Whoa, whoa, whoa, you’re just gonna pop a tape in, in front of your mom? Aren’t you worried that that might be something "adult-themed?"

Michael: Like, pornography? I’m not into that garbage. I think the fact that it’s so acceptable is- it’s a real embarrassment.

Joey: (Laughs) Ha, I love this guy!

[Michael puts the tape in. Gina, Michael, and Joey watch a video of a girl dancing while holding a drink in her hand.]

Michael: Mom, I guess some of your tapes got mixed in with mine.

[The camera zooms out revealing that the dancing woman is pregnant. Michael and Joey realize that it’s Gina. Gina covers her face with a magazine.]

Michael: Mom!

Gina: Alright, back then no one knew that was bad for your baby.

Michael: That was twenty years ago, Mom. They totally knew!

Joey: It’s ok. It’s ok, Michael. My mom partied when she was pregnant with me and I turned out pretty uh, I uh.. (Looks out the window) Hey, that’s the pigeon that took my sandwich!

[Opening Credits]

[Scene : Joey and Michael’s House. Alex is under the kitchen sink trying to fix the garbage disposal. Joey is reading a magazine.]

Alex: Alright, the disposal should work now. Flip the switch on.

Joey: Here we go. (Flips it on, but it doesn’t work)

Alex: Ugh, alright. Turn it off.

[Joey turns it off]

Alex: Uh, alright, turn it on.

[Joey turns it on, but it still doesn’t work]

Alex: Turn it off.

[Joey turns it off. He goes back to reading, but Alex thinks he’s still turning it on and off]

Alex: Ok, turn it on. (Joey’s still eating) Turn it off. (Still eating..)

[Alex looks out from under the sink and sees Joey eating reading instead of flipping the switch.]

Alex: (As she watches him do nothing) Turn it on. Turn it off. Thank you very much for your help.

Joey: Oh yeah, no problem. (He jumps as he turns and sees that she’s watching him)

[Gina and Michael Enter]

Joey: Hey, where’ve you guys been?

Gina: I took Michael underwear shopping.

Joey: Ugh, are you still wearing those things? (Clicks his tongue in disapproval)

Gina: (Noticing someone under the sink and tools on the floor) What’s the deal with this?

Joey: Oh, Alex is fixing the garbage disposal.

Gina: (To Alex) Oh my god that is so strange. From the next down I thought you were a boy.

Alex: Oh, from the neck down I thought you were a Hooter’s waitress.

Gina: Nice!

Alex: Thanks! I thought of it the other day.

[Alex Leaves]

Gina: (To Joey) You are never gonna believe who called me up the other day. Donna DiGregorio. She’s coming to LA. It’s a last minute thing.

Joey: (In a high voice) Donna? Donna’s coming here?

Michael: Why are ya talking that way?

Joey: (High voice) What? What way is that?

Gina: Remember my friend Donna from high school? He used to have a thing for her. He’d get all nervous and weird when she was around.

Michael: You?

Joey: It’s true, yeah. My experience with Donna is the reason I do not make fun of you when you get all weird around girls.

Michael: You make fun of me every time.

Joey: Oh come on, you are ridiculous!

Gina: We used to have some fun. She taught me a lot – how to dress, how to drink, how to pick up guys.

Joey: (To Michael) Yeah, she’s basically the reason you’re here.

Michael: I can’t remember her. What’s she like?

Joey: She’s everything you could ever want in a girl. Pretty? Yes. Funny? Yes. Smart? No! This could be fun, you know. I was always too afraid to go after her when I was young, but now that I’ve come into my own..

Gina: She’s married.

Joey: Stupid monogamy!

[Scene : The courtyard. Joey is reading a magazine, when Gina and Donna walk up behind him. Gina points to Joey, and Donna puts her hands over his eyes.]

Joey: Uh..

Donna: Guess who.

Joey: Uh, smells like hairspray, Juicy Fruit gum, and tequila...Donna DeGregorio! Hey, Donna.

Donna: Look at you, little Joey Tribbiani.

Joey: Wow, you look good. I mean, not that I didn’t think you would look good. I mean, not that I thought about how you would look at all. (Quietly to himself) Hold it together. You’re semi-famous now.

Gina: Can you believe how she looks now? She’s a spokes model.

Donna: (Sexy voice) This mattress clings to the contours of my body..

Gina: See? All that mattress experience paid off, huh? Oh, I can not believe you are here! And you look so good.

Donna: I know! So do you.

Gina: I know!

Donna: You should’ve been at the last reunion. Everyone looks like crap. They’ve either gotten fat or had weird plastic surgery.

Gina: (Covers up her chest to hide her boob job) Dumbasses.

[Alex Enters]

Joey: Oh, Alex. Hey, this is Donna. Donna, Alex. Donna is a friend of ours from high school.

Alex: Oh, pleased to meet you.

Donna: (To Gina) Is this the one you were talking about?

Gina: Yeah.

Donna: (Laughs) I see what you mean.

Alex: Oh great, there’s two of them now.

[Alex Leaves]

Donna: Hey Joey, can I use your phone?

Joey: Sure, yeah, you uh, wanna check in with your husband?

Donna: Oh, no. I just gave Gina the whole story. I’m gettin’ divorced.

Joey: Aww (He opens the door for her and she goes inside) Ohh..(Smiles)

Gina: No!

Joey: Yes.

Gina: No.

Joey: Why?

Gina: They just broke up. She’s very fragile.

Joey: I know. It’s gonna be so easy!

Gina: I am serious. She’s in the middle of a divorce. She doesn’t need you to complicate things. No, Joey. Donna was one of the few people who stuck by me when I got pregnant. Now that she’s going through a tough time, I would like to help her out. Her life’s messy enough without you.

Joey: What, you think I’m just gonna sleep with her and lost interest?

Gina: No, I think you’re gonna marry her like all the others!

Joey: Oh, come on.

Gina: Look Joey, this is important to me. There are plenty of other women out there. Just stay away from this one.

Joey: Okay, fine.

Gina: Promise?

Joey: I promise.

Gina: Swear on Grandma’s grave?

Joey: Yes.

Gina: The living one.

Joey: Damnit! Okay.

[Donna Enters]

Donna: I forgot to tell work I was leaving town. I’m supposed to be in a bikini jumping up and down on a trampoline right now.

Gina: What are you selling?

Donna: Blenders.

Gina: Well I gotta go get Michael. Wanna come? And then we could do some site seeing.

Donna: I think I’d kinda like to hang around here for a while, if that’s ok.

Gina: (To Donna) You get some sun. (To Joey) And you don’t get anything.

[Gina Leaves]

Donna: You know, I’ve been following your career. I guess some people are surprised you’re such a big success. Me? I’m shocked.

Joey: Me too.

Donna: You just always seemed so shaky and nervous around people.

Joey: Uh, yeah, I think that may have been more of a "Donna-specific" behavior.

Donna: Why?

[Joey looks at her weird]

Donna: (Realizing) Oh. Is that why you used to break dance for me?

[Joey break dances for her]

Joey: Shocking that didn’t work, huh? Yeah.

Donna: So, little Joey Tribbiani liked me. I can’t believe I didn’t pick up on that.

Joey: Oh, I can believe it. You had a lot of guys fighting for your attention. You are something else.

Donna: Aww.

[Gina has been watching them from behind a tree]

Gina: Hey, Miss Mattress, you’re coming with me.

[Scene : Joey and Michael’s House. Joey and Michael are watching old home videos.]

Michael: This is fun sorting through tapes. Only one more to go.

Joey: If this is another spelling bee I’m gonna put a fork in my eye.

[The tape shows kids at a baseball game]

Michael: This is weird. Why is there a tape of kids playing baseball?

Joey: Maybe you’re out there.

Michael: Pssh, I doubt it. I was awful at sports, but I also don’t like the idea of my mom just video-taping other children.

[On the video, a boy steps up to the plate with “Michael” on the back of his jersey]

Michael: That’s me. This is weird. Ya know, I do kinda remember playing Little League for a while. God, this is gonna be embarrassing. I don’t wanna see this.

Joey: No, no, no, no, no, no. If you let me watch this, afterwards I’ll show you a tape of me doing stand up. This guy heckles me and I totally lose it.

Michael: Deal.

Coach: Okay guys, back it up. We got Michael at the plate.

Michael: What? Even the coach is making fun of me?

Kid: Hey batter, batter, batter..

[Michael hits the ball]

Coach: Another home run for Michael!

Michael: Wait a minute, was I good at baseball?

Joey: It sure looks like it.

Michael: Why didn’t I know that? Why did my mother keep this from me?

Joey: (Watching the video) Why is that little boy peeing on third base?

[Gina Enters]

Gina: Hey.

Michael: Hey. Mom, was I good at baseball?

Gina: What are you talking about?

Joey: Why did you keep this from him? (Watching the video) And what did that kid drink?

Gina: Ok, you were a good ball player, but I pulled you out of it.

Michael: Why?

Gina: ‘Cause I was afraid you were gonna get hurt. I was just trying to protect you. Joey, will you tell him I was right?

Joey: I don’t know, Gina. I mean, I got hurt all the time when I was a kid. Yeah I got some scars, but each one taught me an important lesson. Don’t touch the stove (Points to his hand) Don’t run with scissors in your mouth. Don’t lick the peanut butter off a steak knife. (Sticks his tongue out)

Michael: You know, I don’t have any scars?

Joey: Or body hair. You think that’s related to this?

Gina: Look, I don’t know what to say. I’m sorry you don’t have any scars. I guess I was a terrible mother.

Michael: No, I’m just saying – I missed out on something important.

Gina: Well, thank God you moved out. Now you can play baseball and crack your head open all you want.

Joey: Crackin’ your head open – Always stay seated in the roller coaster. (Points to his head)

[Scene : Joey and Michael’s House. Donna Enters.]

Donna: (To Michael) Hi, you must be Michael. I’m your mom’s friend Donna.

Michael: (Stuttering) Oh, hi. I didn’t know you looked- loo, uh look- I mean, I had no idea that – that, that, that, that..

Joey: Right there with ya, buddy.

Michael: Nice to meet ya.

[Michael Leaves]

Joey: Hey uh, what are you doing here?

Donna: I don’t know. Well I guess I just wanted to come spend some time with you.

Joey: Why?

Donna: Why? Do you need me to break dance for you?

Joey: Oh..

Donna: See, I was out with Gina, and I love being with her but we were sitting there talking, and for some reason I stop thinking about her little brother and how nice he’d grown up.

Joey: Uh, you’re touching me. Don’t touch me. You can’t touch me. You can’t! You can’t! You can’t!

Donna: Wow, that’s the first time that’s ever happened before.

Joey: Oh no, no, no, Donna, I would love to spend more time with you, but I promised Gina that I wouldn’t do anything with you.

Donna: Why?

Joey: She thinks you’re in a weird place.

Donna: I’m not in a weird place. I’m in your apartment.

Joey: Oh God, you are the perfect amount of dumb! No, she thinks you’re in a weird place in your life. With the divorce, she’s afraid you’re a little fragile.

Donna: Oh, well, it’s too bad. It coulda been fun. We’re both very sexy. It’s funny, you like me and I don’t even notice you. Then I want you, and you can’t do anything about it. I guess it’s not meant to be. I’ll see ya.

[Donna starts to leave, but Joey kisses her]

Joey: Oh God, I have wanted to do that for so long.

Donna: Me too!

Joey: Really?

Donna: Actually it’s only been since this morning, but it’s been tough!

[Scene : Joey And Michael’s House -- The next morning]

Donna: God, I can’t believe I fell asleep. You should’ve woken me up. I gotta get back to Gina’s.

Joey: No, last night can’t end with you running out the door. Let me make you a proper breakfast.

Donna: Joey, I don’t have time for that.

Joey: Come on, how many eggs do you want?

Donna: Six.

Joey: (High voice) She’s perfect!

Donna: So, last night was really fun.

Joey: Oh boy, yeah, and not just the par that’s supposed to be fun. The talking, the sharing, and I finally get what all this “cuddling” fuss is about. I still can’t believe this is happening. I mean, you are like my dream girl.

[Gina bangs on the door]

Gina: (From outside) Michael, Joey, open up!

Joey: Oh my god, Gina! Uh, okay new plan – Last night ends with you sneaking out the back and rolling down the hill.

Donna: We’ll talk later.

Joey: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You gotta get out of here.

[Joey rushes Donna out the back door]

Gina: (From outside) What is taking so long?

Joey: Uh, I’m uhhh, naked!

[Joey wraps a blanket around himself to make Gina think he’s naked]

Joey: I’m just covering myself up!

[Joey opens the door for Gina]

Joey: Uh, sorry.

Gina: I don’t get people like you. Why do you gotta walk naked around your house?

Joey: Why you gotta walk around naked in public?

Gina: (Sarcastically) ‘Cause I like to make the world smile. (Serious) I’m really worried. Donna didn’t come home last night.

Joey: Uh, I’m sure she’s fine.

Gina: What makes you say that?

Joey: What makes people say anything, really? I mean, uh..

Gina: Was she here?

Joey: Gina! I made a promise!

[Gina walks into the kitchen and looks at the stove]

Gina: Only six eggs, this omelet isn’t for you. What’s going on?

Joey: It’s for Michael.

Gina: He only takes two eggs.

Joey: That skinny little bastard! Alright, look, I know I broke a promise, but I have a good excuse.

Gina: Oh yeah, what?

Joey: She is so hot!

Gina: This is unbelievable.

Joey: Gina come on, she’s a big girl. She can make her own decisions.

Gina: No, she can’t right now. That’s why I didn’t want you to mess with her.

Joey: I’m not messing with her. I really care about her.

Gina: Oh, like you cared about 10 of my friends in one-month time?

Joey: Ah yes, October of ’89.

Gina: I can’t believe you did this.

Joey: Wait! Hey wait a minute. This is different from all those other girls, okay? I mean, maybe it’s because there’s a history with Donna, but yesterday when I was with her, it was the first time since I’ve been in LA that I actually…that I actually felt like I was home.

Gina: Damnit, that’s nice.

Joey: Look Gina, I don’t want to upset you, okay? But I am really into Donna, and I wanna see her again tonight.

[Gina thinks about it]

Gina: You treat her right.

Joey: I promise. And not the kind of promise I made before – a real one.

Gina: So, you and Donna DiGregorio, huh? I guess the only friend of mine you haven’t been with is Jenny Wagner.

[Joey makes a guilty face]

Gina: October of ’89?

Joey: It was a good month!

[Scene : Joey and Michael at the Batting Cages]

Michael: You think I’ll still be good at this?

Joey: Oh, it’s like having sex on a bicycle – It’ll just come back to you.

[Michael does a practice swing]

Michael: How’s my swing look?

Joey: Like you’re good at science. Okay, try it again. Nice and hard this time.

Michael: Alright.

[Michael swings again]

Joey: Okay, I’m only saying this to be supportive and helpful – Are you kidding?

Michael: Just put some quarters in the machine!

Joey: Alright, alright.

[Joey puts the money in]

Joey: Shoot, I’m short one. Give me another quarter.

Michael: Um, go in the glove compartment-

[Michael reaches into his pocket to get his keys when a baseball hits him]

Michael: Ow! What the hell?! I thought you said you needed another quarter!

Joey: For a gumball!

Michael: For a-

[Michael gets hit with another baseball]

Michael: Ahhhhhhh!

[Scene : Joey’s and Michael’s House. Joey is chewing his gumball and Michael his an ice pack on his stomach]

Joey: Oh man, this is one good gumball. Still flavorful, ya know? I mean, when it came out yellow, I was all like “Whaaaat?!”

[Gina Enters]

Gina: Hey.

Joey: Hey.

Gina: (To Michael) What happened to you?

Michael: I was attacked by a gang of baseballs.

Gina: Ah, so you played?

Michael: Well I tried. Any talent I had before is now gone.

Joey: Long Gone.

Gina: Hunny, I’m sorry, but you were good at a lot of things. I had to make a choice. You could be the jock or the smart kid, and I figured being the smart kid would lead you more places.

Joey: She’s right. We actually went to school with a bunch of jocks, you know, and those guys are no where now. Except for the three guys in the NBA.

Michael: I just don’t see why you had to choose.

Gina: Maybe you’re right, but you gotta understand, when I made that decision – I was just a kid. I mean, when you were 5, I was twenty. That’s how old you are now.

Michael: Well, I mean, if I look at it that way, then I can forgive you for anything.

Gina: Good, ‘cause I also might’ve bathed with you for longer than it was

appropriate.

[Gina Leaves. Michael looks terrified]

Joey: See, you got scars – on the inside.

[Scene : The courtyard. Joey picks one of Alex’s white roses and pins it to his tux]

Alex: Oh, it took me three months to grow that, but help yourself.

Joey: Oh sorry, I uh, I got a big date tonight.

Alex: Really? Who with?

Joey: Uh, you remember Donna?

Alex: Yeah. Did I see her rolling down the hill this morning? Aw, look at you. You look so happy. Are you in love?

Joey: No.

Alex: Are you on the way to bein’ in love?

Joey: No.

Alex: Are you on the way to on the way to bein’ in love?

Joey: I think I might be!

Alex: (Laughs) Great.

Joey: Well, you have to understand, I had the biggest crush on this girl, you know? So I really built her up, and you’d think getting’ to be with her would be disappointing, but I gotta say – The real girl is even better than the fantasy.

Alex: But- So how is this gonna work? Doesn’t she live in New York?

Joey: Yeah. Yeah, she said she was toying with the idea of moving out here, but I don’t think it’s gonna happen.

Alex: Well you should tell her you want her to stay.

Joey: Yeah, you think?

Alex: Yeah. When I first met my husband, we had this great couple of weeks together and then I was supposed to leave for a job in Chicago, and he said “Please don’t go. I don’t ever want to be apart.”

Joey: That’s so sweet.

Alex: Yeah, and then he got out his viola and played Billy Joel’s “She’s Always A Woman” and I had to smile through it like this. (Imitates a really big fake smile)

Joey: But, so, you think if I ask her, she might stay?

Alex: Well, she’d be crazy if she didn’t want to because you are one of the last remaining good ones.

Joey: Really?

Alex: Yeah, really.

[She adjusts the rose on his tux]

Alex: There.

Joey: Thanks. Thanks a lot, Alex. (He starts to walk away, but turns around) Say Alex, if Donna does move out, maybe you and Gina and her could hang out and be friends.

Alex: Maybe (Does her big fake smile again)

Joey: Don’t “Billy Joel Smile” me!

[Scene : Michael and Joey’s House. Joey and Donna are getting ready for their date]

Joey: So I was thinking for tonight , I thought maybe we could uh, have dinner at this great little place in Marina Del Rey. Then after that, we can go to this desert only place I heard about in Newport, and after that I thought maybe we could go for a walk on the beach in Malibu.

Gina: That’s like 5 hours of driving.

Joey: Really? Why can’t they make maps the size things really are?! Alright, uh I’m gonna go change some of our reservations.

[Joey Leaves]

Gina: I can’t believe you are going out with my brother. Alright, I don’t want to get ahead of myself, but if you guys get married you should do it at the Polish Community Center on Queens Boulevard. It’s very classy.

Donna: I gotta talk to you about something.

Gina: What? You alright?

Donna: No. Gina, I feel really weird talking to you about this, but I’m confused and I don’t know what to do.

Gina: What’s the matter?

Donna: Ron just called. He wants to get back together.

Gina: And what’d you say?

Donna: I said I met someone else and that I would have to think about it.

Gina: You’re gonna tell Joey, right? You have to tell him.

[Joey comes running downstairs]

Joey: Okay, couldn’t change the reservations, so we gotta haul ass! You ready beautiful?

[They walk off and Gina watches them leave]

Gina: Aw Joey.. Those two would have some stupid kids.

[To Be Continued...]

[End]

Voir la fiche épisode, le script V.O. et le script V.F.

[Scene : Joey and Michael’s House – Gina and Michael]

Michael: Joey’s not back from his date, huh?

Gina: No. God, I can’t believe Donna’s telling him her husband wants to get back together. He’s gonna be crushed. So we have to be here to cheer him up.

Michael: Oh, of course. Man, it’s so weird for me to think of him as vulnerable, and not just because he always puts on a cape and jumps down the stairs.

[Joey Enters]

Gina: Hey, how was your date?

Joey: So great!

Michael: So, you didn’t talk about anything?

Joey: Oh, we talked about everything: movies, sports, those commercials where it seems like Howie Long and Teri Hatcher are married.

Gina: Unbelievable.

Joey: I know. What a weird couple.

Gina: What did she say when you asked her to stay?

Joey: Ah, I didn’t get around to that, but after tonight, I think she might want to.

[Michael and Gina look at each other]

Gina: (Sighs) Listen, Joey. There’s something I have to tell you about Donna – something she should’ve told you already.

Joey: Oh my god, we’re related?! Why so many cousins?!

Gina: No. Ron called her, and he wants to get back together, and she doesn’t know what to do.

Joey: What?

Gina: I’m sorry.

Joey: Wow. I can’t believe this. This sucks. There’s no way I stand a chance against Ron. They have years together.

Gina: Joey, wait. If you really want this, you have to fight for her. You have to pull out all the stops.

Joey: I’ve never had to fight for a girl before. I guess I’ve seen people do it in movies, but I can’t just make Donna choose me by winning the Super Bowl with the help of a talking dolphin!

Michael: I swear. We have 500 channels, and all you watch is HBO Family?

[Joey stares at Michael. Michael makes a sympathetic face]

Gina: Joey, look. You have the advantage. You’re here and he’s not.

Michael: It’s true. You know? This is your chance.

Joey: Yeah, you’re right. I can do this. I’m gonna fight for her and I’m gonna win.

[Joey opens up a cabinet]

Michael: No, you don’t need your cape.

Joey: Right.

[Opening Credits]

[Scene : Donna’s Place. Joey Enters]

Donna: Hey Joey.

Joey: Hey. Look, Gina told me about Ron. We need to talk.

Donna: Oh, I hate talking. Wouldn’t you rather make out?

Joey: Look, I like the way you deal with problems, but this is serious.

Donna: Joey, I’m sorry. I’m just so confused.

Joey: Well I’m not. Okay, and I’m willing to do whatever it takes to make this work, but I need you to decide what you want. Now it’s obvious how I feel, but you have to figure out how you feel. I’ve only been on the receiving end of that speech, so if you want advice on what to do now, I like to pretend I see someone stealing my car and just run out the door.

Donna: I just feel so torn. Ron and I have a lot of history, but on the other hand, things haven’t been good with him for a long time, and I feel like things could be great with you, but I don’t know!

Joey: Then give me a week. Okay? Let me show you what this could be. Let me prove to you that you should be with me instead of Ron.

Donna: I don’t know if I should make him wait that long. I told him about you and he flipped out.

Joey: So what? You deserve to be happy. Let me try to make you happy.

Donna: Okay, I’ll give you a week.

Joey: Great.

[They kiss]

Joey: All right, I’m gonna go plan it. What are your three favorite things?

Donna: Food. Sex. Watching TV.

Joey: See ya, Ron!

[Scene : Joey and Michael’s House]

Joey: Hey, Michael. I’m trying to plan this romantic week with Donna. You know any nice Bed-And-Breakfasts in the area?

Michael: Uh, actually, yes. Mom and I went to a great one in Santa Barbara. They thought we were a couple. They put rose petals on our beds. It was pretty disturbing.

[Alex Enters]

Alex: Hey, guys.

Michael: So you called my friend about your computer, huh?

Alex: Yes, he came by yesterday. Thank you very much.

Joey: What was wrong with it?

Michael: Oh uh, her Unix colonel couldn’t read command line prompts anymore, because the front side bus had stopped communicating with the memory cache.

Joey: (Smiles) I just love that a guy I’m related to says crap like that.

Alex: Anyway, he totally fixed my computer, and the best part is, he didn’t even charge me for it.

Michael: Well yeah, that figures.

Alex: What do you mean?

Michael: Well, you’re a hot girl. Hot girls get stuff for free.

Joey: Yeah, it’s true. It’s in the Constitution.

Alex: Look, I know what I am. I’m not a hot girl. I’m cute.

Michael: You’re a hot girl that doesn’t know she’s hot. Joey was telling me about those.

Alex: No, I know hot girls. My sister is one of them.

Michael: “The even hotter sister” – one of four ways a girl doesn’t realize she’s hot. Along with “Went to a girl school,” “Used to be fat,” and “Is blind.”

Joey: You have learned well, young Michael.

Alex: Okay, well say what you want, but that is not why he didn’t charge me. People don’t see me that way.

Joey: You ever get a speeding ticket?

Alex: No.

Joey & Michael: (In unison) Hot girl.

Alex: No, that’s because I talked my way out of tickets using my intelligence.

[Joey and Michael stare at her]

Alex: I am not a hot girl.

[Joey and Michael continue staring. Gina Enters]

Alex: I am not a hot girl!

Gina: I am. What do ya need?

[Alex Leaves]

Joey: Great, Okay Gina, you’re the perfect person to talk to. I have one week to convince Donna that she should be with me instead of Ron, and I’m trying to come up with stuff that she might be in to.

Gina: Uh, just give her what any woman would like. Take her away to a nice hotel. Buy her flowers. Take her to a fancy dinner.

Joey: (Writing down Gina’s suggestions) Great, great. What else?

Michael: Um, there’s a cool exhibit at the Museum of Natural-

[Joey pats Michael’s knee and shakes his head in disapproval]

Gina: Oh, you know where you should take her? Michael and I went to this great Bed-And-Breakfast in Santa Barbara They thought we were a couple. They put rose petals on the bed. It was amazing!

Joey: (Sarcastically) You guys should do that again.

[Scene : The Courtyard. Howard is having a yard sale]

Michael: Hey, Howard, Yard sale, huh?

Howard: Yep. Gotta make room for the new Howard. I’m on Atkins, I joined a coed softball league, so look out world! Everything must go, except my chair. I gotta have a place to sit. On account of the gout.

[Michael picks up a robotic dog]

Michael: So, broken, huh? You know, I could probably salvage the motion detector from this, but 50 bucks?

Howard: It costs a lot more than that.

Michael: Yeah, but it’s broken. How about 20?

Howard: I don’t think so.

Michael: Alright, 30?

Howard: How about you stop hogging Joey all the time?!

[Michael gives up and puts down the dog. Alex Enters]

Michael: Hey, hot girl. More free stuff?

Alex: No, I paid for this, and look, I know you think that “hot girl” is a compliment, but I don’t. You should see my sister and the stuff she gets away with. When she wants something she puts on this little act. (Imitating her sister) Oh, what a cute doggie. I wish I had enough money to buy him.

Howard: Oh, you like him?

Alex: I love him. I love you.

Howard: Take it.

Alex: What?

Howard: He’s yours.

Alex: So you’re just giving this to me because-

Howard: Yeah. Because.

Alex: ( To Michael) I am a hot girl!

Michael: I told you.

Alex: Oh, that’s so cool.

Howard: Oh great, hog her now too! Come on!

[Scene : Joey and Michael’s House - Michael and Gina. Joey comes downstairs]

Joey: Ok, I’m all set for Santa Barbara. Now, while I’m gone, don’t you do anything I wouldn’t do.

Michael: You mean read?

Joey: Exactly.

Gina: So, what do you have planned for Donna?

Joey: Uh, we’re going for a hot air balloon ride, wine tasting, and then horseback riding on the beach.

Gina: Oh, that sounds perfect. (To Michael) We never did anything like that!

Joey: You uh, you think she’ll like it?

Gina: Oh, honey, if she doesn’t, I’ll talk some sense into her.

Joey: No, no, no. You stay out of it. I don’t want you going crazy on her.

Gina: Why do you think I’d do that?

Joey: Please. You’re the only person I know who’s banned for life from two K-Marts.

Gina: I do not respect their return policy!

Joey: All right, I’m gonna go pick up Donna. I am so excited. I just want this to work so badly. I want her to forget all about Ron.

Gina: Oh Joey, don’t worry about him. He’s 3,000 miles away.

Joey: Yeah, you’re right.

[Pounding on the door]

Ron: (From outside) Donna, open up! It’s Ron!

Michael: If he’s 3,000 miles away, he’s loud.

[Gina lets Ron in]

Gina: Ron, what are you doing here?

Ron: I’m taking Donna back to New York. And while I’m at it, I figured I beat the crap outta Joey Tribbiani.

[Ron walks up to Michael, thinking he’s Joey]

Ron: What do you think of that, Joey?

Michael: Um, actually..

Joey: Kick his ass, Joe!

Michael: Uh, look, I’m not Joey, okay? (Points to Joey) He’s Joey.

Ron: Damnit, it’s never the skinny guy. Listen, I came here to get Donna. I’m not going back without her.

Gina: She’s not staying here. She’s-

Joey: Gone. Yeah. She uh, said it was over between us. (Pretend cries)

Ron: What, she just took off? I guess I could try to call her. Can I use your phone?

Joey: Yeah, yeah, sure. Whatever you need buddy. Here. (Hands Ron the phone) You want some privacy?

Ron: Yeah, that’d be great.

[Ron goes outside]

Gina: What are you doing?

Joey: You said you wanted me to fight for her? Okay, I’m fighting for her.

Michael: But you just lied to that guy. That’s wrong.

Gina: Michael! You embarrass me.

Joey: Look, Ron’s had 5 years to prove they should be together. All I want is my one week. And if I have to be crafty, okay, then I will.

Gina: Then why’d you give him the phone and let him call her?

Joey: ‘Cause I suck at crafts! Okay, we can’t let them talk. What do I do?

[Gina holds up the phone cord]

Joey: Gina! I’m not gonna strangle him with the phone cord. Oh, I get it, okay. Got it.

Michael: All right, so what are you gonna do?

Joey: Well, uh, okay, I’m just gonna take her away like I planned. Right?

She doesn’t even have to know he was here.

Gina: You go get Donna. I’ll take care of Ron. I’ll make sure he doesn’t get in your way.

Joey: Okay, you think you can keep him in the dark the whole time I’m gone?

[Ron comes back inside]

Ron: I tried calling but the phone went dead.

Gina: Uh, there was an earthquake. All the phone lines in the city are down.

Ron: Really? Ooh, wait. (Stumbles backwards) Was that an aftershock?

Gina: (To Joey) I think I can do it.

Joey: You’ll be okay. All right.

[Scene : Gina and Michael in the Courtyard]

Gina: (Reading a travel book) Oh, how about this place for our next trip? “nestled in the heart of wine country, private hot tubs, fireplaces in every room, a lover’s paradise.”

[Michael looks at her]

Gina: What? Get a girlfriend and I’ll stop doing this.

[Alex Enters]

Alex: hey. I got a free muffin at the coffee shop.

Michael: See, what’d I tell you? Mom, Alex has discovered that as an attractive woman, she can get stuff from people.

Alex: Yeah, now I’ve got Howard moving boxes down to storage for me.

[Howard walks by carrying a box]

Howard: This one’s really heavy. (Stammers)

Alex: This is so exciting.

Gina: Wait, all you’re having Howard do is move stuff for you? You could do a lot better than that, believe me.

Alex: What kind of stuff have you gotten?

Gina: Hmm. Free drinks, flight upgrades, concert tickets..

Michael: Piano lessons, SAT Prep courses..

Alex: Wow, the free muffin is like nothing. I guess I should think bigger.

Gina: you better, ‘cause when you’re on your deathbed, you don’t want to look back on your life and say, “I wish I had more free stuff.”

[Ron sticks his head out the front door]

Ron: Are the earthquakes over? Can I come out now?

Gina: No. We’ll tell you when. Get back in the closet.

[Scene : The Bed-And-Breakfast in Santa Barbara]

Donna: Oh, this place is so romantic. Don’t you love bed and breakfasts?

Joey: I’ve never actually been to one before which is weird because beds and breakfast are my two favorite things.

Donna: I bet I know what number 3 is.

[They kiss]

Joey: Yeah. Baby Tigers. Oh in the morning, would the lady like A Los Angeles Times or a Mew York Times?

Donna: Neither.

Joey: Excellent choice.

[Donna takes out her phone]

Joey: What are you doing?

Donna: I just wanna see if anyone called.

Joey: No, no. Don’t check your phone.

Donna: Why?

Joey: Because we’re here to get away from all this stuff. What’s so important that it’ can’t wait a couple of days?

Donna: Well, my ister was supposed to have a baby.

Joey: Shhh, let all those worries just wash away. Come on, let’s have some time just the two of us.

Donna: Well that does sound nice.

Joey: This is gonna be so great.

[Joey lifts her up and throws her on the bed which is covered in rose petals]

Joey: I have so many plans. We’re gonna go horseback riding, wine tasting, hot air balloon ride.

Donna: See, this is so wonderful. This is why I want to be with you.

Joey: You do?

Donna: Well yeah. Ron would never do anything like this. He never made an effort to let me know he cared. You’re about the big gestures. You’re fighting for me. He’d never fight for me.

Joey: Uh-huh. Yeah, um.. but you guys had other problems, right? I mean, what you had was never really special.

Donna: I wouldn’t say that. We were married. I may have blacked out for most of my wedding day, but I remember those vows.

Joey: Uh, if Ron were to do something to show you that he cared, like I don’t know, fly cross-country and beg you to come back, would that make a difference?

Donna: It doesn’t matter. He’d never do that.

Joey: Okay, look Donna. I uh.. I have to tell you something.

Donna: What?

Joey: You know how you said it was great that I brought you here, and that Ron wouldn’t do this kinda thing? Well, that’s not entirely true.

Donna: You didn’t really bring me here?

Joey: Oh, God, I’m gonna miss you so much.

[Scene : Gina and Alex in the front Courtyard]

Alex: Oh, hey. I wanted to tell you that I decided to take it to the next level with the whole “hot” thing.

Gina: Oh yeah? Good for you.

Alex: yeah, there are men in our apartment right now working, and I’m working it right back if you know what I mean.

Gina: Do you know what you mean?

Alex: “It” is my butt, maybe?

Gina: Sure, why not.

[Alex starts reading her mail]

Alex: Oh no.

Gina: What?

Alex: this is a bill from that guy who fixed my computer the other day. Ugh, I knew it. I’m not hot. I’m just cute. Oh my god, I think I stole that muffin.

Gina: Oh, hang on a second. This does not mean you are not hot. It just means you’re not “80 dollars hot.”

Alex: What about the guys in there? That’s a lot more than $80.

Gina: What are you having them do?

Alex: Stereo system. In wall.

Gina: Sub-woofer?

[Alex nods]

Gina: I’ll take care of this.

[Scene : Joey and Michael’s House - Michael and Ron. Gina enters]

Gina: I rock. I just got Blondie a new stereo system at cost, with free instillation, plus a trade discount… from a gay dude.

[Joey and Donna enter from the back door]

Ron: Hey, it’s Joey and Donna. Wait a minute.. She was with you the whole time?

Joey: Look, I know you’re mad at me, and you probably wanna kick Michael’s ass, but I’m trying to do the right thing, okay? And, I think you two should be together. So, why don’t you guys talk.

[Joey walks over to Michael and Gina. Ron and Donna continue talking]

Donna: So, what do you have to say to me?

Ron: I don’t know. What do you have to say to me?

Donna: I don’t know. What do you have to say to me?

Ron: I don’t know. What do you have to say to me?

Joey: Okay! Okay, uh, I don’t wanna speak for Donna, but I really want this night to be over, so.. Ron, Donna loves you. When we were driving over here, she told me that you understood her better than anyone in the whole world. And that she wants to spend the rest of her life with you, her soul mate.

Ron: (To Donna) That’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever said to me.

Joey: Donna, this guy has so much passion for you that he flew all the way across the country to say he loves you and that he’s not going back to New York without you.

Donna: (To Ron) I’ve never heard you talk like this before.

Joey: Okay, so I got you started. You guys can take it from here.

[Joey joins Michael and Gina again, while Ron and Donna talk]

Ron: …I miss doin’ you so much!

Donna: Really?

Joey: Okay! Let’s call it a night.

Donna: Bye, Gina.

Gina: Take care.

[Ron Leaves]

Donna: Oh, and Joey-

Joey: it’s ok.

Donna: No, I need to say this. I just.. it was real.. you know.

Joey: I know. It was great, and in another time, another place, it could have been something more.

[They hug. Donna Leaves]

Joey: I’ve never been the smartest person in the room before. That’s a lot of work!

Gina: I am so sorry, honey. That couldn’t have been easy.

Joey: It wasn’t. It just hurts so much.

Michael: Well, if it makes you feel any better, it could be worse. Once at this high-tech conference, me getting dumped by a girl was accidentally broadcast to lecture halls on 4 continents.

Joey: I feel like I’ve seen that.

Michael: It’s been going around the internet.

Gina: I’m so sorry it didn’t work out.

Joey: Me too. It was just nice having someone to take care of and do nice things for.

Gina: Yeah?

Joey: Yeah. I mean, usually eith me it’s “How little can I do?” and “How fast can I move on to the next thing?” Maybe- maybe I’ll try a little more of this.

Gina: You want me to fix you up with someone?

Joey: Uh, no. I think I’ve had enough of your friends for a while.

Michael: You want me to fix you up with someone?

Joey: (Laughs) Thanks, Michael.

[Scene : Joey and Michael’s House. Joey is sitting at the table. Alex Enters]

Alex: Hey.

Joey: Hey.

Alex: how you doing?

Joey: Eh, I’m working on an audition for tomorrow. I thought maybe I could use all this heart ache and stuff. You know, make my performance more powerful. Check it out. “Oh boy! Spicy sausages. Mama Mia!”

Alex: (Laughs) Oh, well I’m sorry you got left alone this weekend. Where are Michael and Gina anyway?

[Scene : Michael and Gina at the Bed-And-Breakfast in Santa Barbara]

Gina: Aw, this place is the just the way I remembered it.

Michael: (Looks at the bed) Yep, there’s those rose petals.

[End]

Voir la fiche épisode, le script V.O. et le script V.F.

[Scene : Joey and Michael’s House. Michael and Gina are in the kitchen. Joey comes downstairs]

Joey: Geez, Gina. I can smell your perfume from the top of the stairs.

Gina: I’m not wearing any perfume.

[Gina and Joey look at Michael]

Michael: The uh, the bottle said “unisex.”

Gina: How are you this morning?

Joey: I don’t know. I’m a little frustrated about my career. I mean, I came out her a couple of months ago with all these goals and I haven’t achieved any of them.

Michael: Like what?

Joey: I haven’t been on the cover of a magazine. I haven’t been nominated for an award. I haven’t been on even one “Best Dressed” list. What’s up with that? (He’s pulls at his t-shirt and sweatpants)

Gina: You were in a magazine. Last month you were in People. Unidentified male next to Nicole Kidman.

Joey: Well something good better happen to me soon. I wanna feel like I made the right decision moving out here.

Michael: Joey, why don’t you so something about it?

Gina: Yeah. Call your agent. Light a fire under her. Ooo. Let me do it. I will rip her a-

Joey: No, no, no. I’ll do it, but you’re right. Yeah, I should call her. I need work. Not being on TV’s even starting to affect my love life.

Michael: What? No.

Joey: Last night I went out to meet a girl. You know, for sex. And I realized when I moved out here, I lost a big part of my rap. I’m no longer “Joey Tribbiani, star of Days of Our Lives.”

Michael: Lines like that actually work?

Joey: Well, not as good as your man perfume. Now that I don’t have that, things are harder.

Michael: You know, I gotta say, I hate to delight in this, but it’s kinda of nice that for once you’re having a problem with women. I mean-

[A woman walks downstairs, clearly she slept over with Joey]

Woman: Hey, Joey. Thanks for a fun night.

Joey: Oh, yeah.. you take care.

[She leaves. Michael and Gina look at Joey]

Joey: I said it was hard. I didn’t say it was impossible.

[Opening Credits]

[Scene : Bobbie’s Office.]

Bobbie: (On the phone) Oh, well he’s just walking in right now. I’ll tell him (Hangs up) Great news, Joey. I just got you the lead in an Industrial Safety video!

Joey: What? No, no, no, no. I don’t wanna do anymore stuff like that. Look, Bobbie, I came to LA to take the next step in my career, and I feel like I’m taking a step back. You know, you got me doing these lame auditions, lousy commercials, that Mystery Dinner thing at Ted Danson’s house? I need things to change. Now.

Bobbie: Ooh, there’s the fiery Latin heartthrob that I took a chance on.

Joey: I’m not Latin, I’m Italian.

Bobbie: Italian? Oh. No! Italians are out this year. It may be time for you to call in your boy band connections.

Joey: I wasn’t in a boy band.

Bobbie: I can’t catch a break!

Joey: Look, Bobbie, you gotta do whatever it takes to get me something -- and something good. Otherwise, I’m gonna go out and find someone else who will.

Bobbie: Okay, look. Just give me one more chance. I will find you

something. There’s going to be no more celebrity parties, okay? No more cheesy commercials. Oh, and when you get home, just delete the message about MCing the dog show.

Joey: Alright. Okay. That’s more like it. Now, is there anything I can do on my end?

Bobbie: yeah, it’d be great if you had some connections. Who have you met in this business who’s powerful? I mean, someone who loves you, someone you trust?

Joey: Well.. just you, I guess.

Bobbie: Oh.. you sweet thing, come here. (She hugs him) Oh God, I could slap a diaper on you and nurse you right now. Aw, come on.

[Scene : The Courtyard. Alex is having a party. Joey Enters]

Alex: (Talking to a guest) Excuse me, just one minute. (Walks over to Joey) Hey, Joey.

Joey: Hey, Alex. Uh, what’s going on here?

Alex: Oh, I’m hosting an alumni event for Northwestern University.

Joey: No, no. I meant, there’s no mustard for the pigs-in-a-blanket? Where’s your head at, girl?

Alex: I’ll take care of it.

[Joey sees a guy across the room]

Joey: Hey, hey Alex. That guy looks familiar, but I can’t place him. Usually when I have that feeling it’s someone I slept with, but I don’t think it’s that.

Alex: (Laughs) He’s a movie producer.

Joey: Ooh. Hey, can you introduce me to him? My agent said I need to make some Hollywood connections.

Alex: Oh, yeah, sure. (To the movie producer) Hey, Steve. Come here. This is uh, my friend, Joey Tribbiani. He’s an actor. He just moved here from New York a couple of months ago.

Steve: Hey. Steve Carpenter. Nice to meet you.

Joey: Yeah, you too.

Alex: Now if you’ll excuse me, there’s a girl in there I hated in college and I’m now more successful than.

[Alex Leaves]

Steve: So, Joey, you don’t look familiar. Are you a Wildcat?

Joey: Well uh, I don’t like to brag about it, but I do okay.

Steve: You can go ahead and brag. We’re all proud we went to Northwestern. Go Wildcats!

Joey: Oh, I thought you meant..

Steve: Ya know, you should come in and audition for me some time.

Joey: Really?

Steve: Yeah, we like to look our for our own. That’s why they call us the Northwestern Mafia. Well, we’ve got alumni at every studio, network, and major talent agency in this town.

Joey: Then I am really glad I went there! Go, Wildcats!

Steve: Say, what year did you graduate? Wait, let me guess. Uh.. ’91?

Joey: Wow. Producer, or awesome year-guesser?

Steve: Now, who do I know that was ’91? Uh, Lance Beckman. Do you know Lance?

Joey: Uh, is he here?

Steve: No.

Joey: I was in his wedding!

Steve: You know, if you’re new in town, I should introduce you to the rest of the Northwestern Mafia. It’s too bad. I don’t think there’s anyone else here from ’91.

Joey: Aw, darn. That would’ve been a fun situation.

Steve: All right, come on.

Joey: Okay.

[They go inside]

Steve: ( To a group of guys) Hey, guys. Dave, this is Joey. Joey, this is Dave. Dave is an executive at Universal.

Joey: Oh.

Steve: Mark’s in television.

Mark: Hey!

Joey: Hey.

Steve: And Paul’s a feature director.

Joey: Wow.

Steve: Yeah, Joey’s the class of ’91.

Paul: Oh yeah, what dorm were you in?

Joey: Uh, a different one every night, if you know what I mean.

[They all laugh]

Mark: So what’d you study?

Joey: Uh, not much of anything, I’m afraid.

[They all laugh. Other guests start to sing]

Steve: Uh oh, fight song time. Shall we?

All: (Singing) Spread far the fame of our fair name. Go Northwestern, win that game!

Joey: (Still Singing) And then we’ll- (Notices that no one else is singing) Okay.

[Scene : Joey and Michael’s House – Gina and Michael are on the couch. Joey comes downstairs in a Northwestern t-shirt]

Michael: Where’d you get the Northwestern shirt?

Joey: Oh, I got it at an organizational meeting for next years homecoming.

[Phone Rings]

Joey: (On the phone) Hello?

Bobbie: Joey, I did it! I got you a huge audition for tomorrow.

Joey: That was fast. What happened?

Bobbie: Well, apparently your friend from Northwestern called the producer. And then the producer called me and offered you the position, and I said, “okay.”

Joey: That’s great! Okay, what’s it for?

Bobbie: Well, it’s a sexy new nighttime drama set in a mountain resort. It’s called Deep Powder. It’s Baywatch on skis, and it’s the dumbest script I ever read. It’s gonna be huge!

Joey: Alright!

Bobbie: Yeah, I’m gonna have my assistant fax you the audition scene as soon as I get off the phone.

Joey: Great, Bobbie. Thanks a lot. Bye-bye.

[Joey hangs up]

Gina: What was that about?

Joey: I got a huge audition for tomorrow.

Michael: That’s great. For what?

Joey: It’s a sexy new nighttime drama set at a ski resort.

Gina: (gasps) That sounds fantastic!

Joey: Yeah!

Gina: Oh my god, it’s not on against JAG is it?

Joey: No, well, I don’t know when it’s gonna be on. But this is definitely a part I can get, yeah. And it’s all because I told that guy I went to Northwestern. Lyin’ is awesome! Oh, I can’t wait to see the script. Bobbie’s gonna fax it over right now.

[Phone Rings – Joey answers it]

Joey: Hello? Stop calling here!

[He hangs up]

Joey: Damn it, every time I’m expecting an important fax, this jerk prank calls me.

Michael: What does he say?

Joey: Nothing! He just makes this annoying sound. (Imitates a Fax Machine sound)

[Scene : The Hallway outside the audition waiting room – A woman comes out the door]

Woman: Did you go to Northwestern?

Joey: Why, yes, I did.

Woman: Well, I graduated from Purdue three years ago.

Joey: (Confused) So..?

Woman: We’re rival schools.

Joey: Oh, yeah. Grrr. I hate you.

[They laugh]

Joey: Uh, Joey Tribbiani.

Woman: Katie Harper.

Joey: Yeah, listen, I got this audition now, but maybe we can get together some time and get to the bottom of this rivalry.

Katie: Maybe we can.

Joey: Yeah, well hey, you should give me a call sometime. (Hands her a card)

Katie: You have your number on a card?

Joey: I do this a lot. But also, you are very special.

[Joey enters the Audition Room]

Joey: Hi. I’m Joey Tribbiani. I’m here to audition for the role of Langdon Powder – the sexy young snowboarder with the secret past. Now I don’t wanna tell you to cancel the rest of your session, but I was born to play this role.

Lady: You’re not reading for Langdon.

Joey: Huh?

Lady: You’re reading for Langdon’s dad.

Joey: Langdon’s dad?! But I’m young and sexy, not some old, gray-haired guy in a dumb looking sweater. (Looks at the guy standing next – an old, gray-haired guy in a sweater) Hey, how you doing, buddy? Good luck on the audition.

[Scene : Joey and Michael’s House – Gina’s in the kitchen. Joey Enters]

Joey: Hey.

Gina: Hey, how did the audition go?

Joey: I did the stupidest thing I’ve ever done.

Gina: Come on, honey. Now we both know that is not true. Did they find out you didn’t go to Northwestern?

Joey: No, no, no. It’s not that. I spent all this time preparing for the wrong role. You know, and they wouldn’t even let me audition. And I would been so great at it. “If thrashing’s a crime, yo lock me up, ‘cause I don’t wanna live in a world where I can’t thrash to the extreme.”

Gina: That is great.

Joey: I know!

Gina: So’d you end up auditioning for the right part?

Joey: No, it was for the father. I’m not old enough to play the father of a teenager.

Gina: I had a teenager when I was your age.

Joey: But that’s different.

Gina: How?

Joey: Look, I don’t have time to pretend your life is okay. I have a problem!

Gina: Ugh, Joey, they called you in. You should just audition for the dad.

Joey: But I don’t know if I can pull it off. I have all these heavy scene with my kids in the show. I don’t know how to do that.

Gina: Look, I know this isn’t the kind of role you’re used to doing, but you can’t just give up ‘cause you’re afraid to fail, and I don’t think you’re gonna fail.

Joey: Really?

Gina: Oh, I hate doing this stuff to your face. Are you gonna make me compliment you?

Joey: I need it.

Gina: Turn around.

[Joey turns around]

Gina: I have seen everything you have done, and you are a great actor. And on top of that, I know you can play a dad because I’ve seen the way you are with Michael, and you’re like a father to him.

Joey: Aww, thanks Gina. Come here, give me a hug.

[They hug]

Gina: God, you’re such a girl.

[Scene : The Courtyard – Alex is on the phone]

Alex: I’ve been meaning to make a contribution, but it keeps slipping my mind. Well, yes, of course. I treasure my Northwestern experience.

[Joey walks out from his house. He’s also on the phone]

Joey: (On the phone) And I treasure mine. Now, if you’re willing to pledge 1,000 dollars-

Alex: Joey.

Joey: (To Alex) Oh, excuse me one second. (On the phone) Ma’am, can I call you back in a few minutes? I’m not able to speak freely.

Alex: (Points to the phone) It’s me.

Joey: (Quietly into the phone) If you can hear me wave your hand.

[Alex waves her hand]

Alex: Why are you calling me from my alumni association?

Joey: Well, I didn’t know it was you. The sheet says “Alexis Garret.”

Alex: That’s my full name.

Joey: Ooh. Sexy.

Alex: Joey, why are you pretending like you went to Northwestern?

Joey: Because your friend Steve though I went there and he got me an audition. Now he’s asking me to do all this alumni stuff. I can’t say no.

Alex: But you’re lying.

Joey: Alex, isn’t doing whatever it takes to achieve your dreams, what Northwestern’s all about?

Alex: No!

Joey: Oh. Then what is it about? I have to give a speech at the next alumni dinner.

[Scene : The Courtyard – Joey and Howard]

Howard: Hey.

Joey: Hey, Howie.

Howard: What are you doing?

Joey: Well I got a big audition today, so I’m just going over my lines.

Howard: Can I help? I have acting experience. I was one of the Honeycomb kids.

Joey: Sure. Okay. (Hands Howard the script) You have the first line.

[They both stand there silent]

Joey: Did you have any lines in those Honeycomb commercials?

Howard: No I did not.

[Joey goes inside – Michael is sitting by the fireplace]

Joey: Michael, listen. I’m leaving for my audition in a few minutes. Will you run through the lines with me? (Hands him the script)

Michael: Sure. Yeah. What’s the scene about?

Joey: uh well, I’m being overprotective of my daughter, because her mother died in an avalanche that I may or many not have caused. uh well, I’m being overprotective of my daughter, because her mother died in an avalanche that I may or many not have caused. Yeah, there’s a great speech about it later where I curse the elements. “Damn you, mountain! Bring her back!”

Michael: So, I’m the daughter?

Joey: Mmm hmm.

Michael: Alright, do I have to read it with like a high girly voice?

Joey: No.

Michael: May I?

Joey: No.

Michael: Okay. Alright, so..

[The door opens – Howard walks in]

Howard: I can do it now. I want another shot.

Joey: That’s ok. Michael’s already doing it.

Howard: Can I be his understudy?

Joey: Sure.

Howard: Great!

Michael: “Hi, Daddy.”

Joey: “How are you doing? Is something the matter?”

Michael: “Why won’t you let me go to Haley’s sleepover party?”

Joey: “Because, there’s a blizzard coming. You could get snowed in.”

Michael: “You don’t have to worry about me so much. Look at me. I’m a big girl now.”

Joey: “I can see that. I bet your friends think it’s pretty lame that your old man wants to hold on to you so tight.”

Howard: Aww. If I had functional tear ducts, I’d be crying right now.

Joey: Really? Was I good?

Michael: Actually, I got a very strong Dad vibe from you.

Joey: Thanks, Michael. I got a strong little girl vibe from you. Alright, thanks you guys. I’m gonna go get this part. I still gotta go pick up your mom. She’s coming with me for moral support. Alright, wish me luck.

[Someone knocks on the door]

Thomas: Hi, my name’s Thomas Wheeler. I’m here for my Northwester alumni interview.

[Joey slams the door in his face]

Joey: (To Michael & Howard) The guy I met at Alex’s asked me to interview this kid as a personal favor. I completely forgot.

Howard: How are we gonna get out of this?

[Joey opens the door]

Joey: Sorry about that. Come on in.

Thomas: Oh, thank you sir. I brought a copy of my high school transcript, as well as a letter of recommendation from-

Joey: Yeah, I’m kind of in a time crunch here, but you seem like a fine young man. I’m giving you my full recommendation.

Thomas: Well, what about all my questions? What about the English department? Is there a strong pre-law program?

Joey: Uh, college isn’t all about academics, Thomas. So, why don’t you hang out here and have a good time. That’s kind of our motto at Northwestern.

Thomas: Oh, I thought it was “Quaecumque Sunt Vera.”

Joey: No, no. We changed it.

[Scene : The Audition Studio]

Gina: Okay, you go over your lines. I will take care of the competition. (Sits next to one of the men auditioning) Hi. You reading for the role of dad? You like Jager? Huh?

[The camera focuses on Joey. Katie enters]

Joey: Hey, Katie.

Katie: Hey, Joey. It’s good to see you again.

Joey: Yeah, I was thinking about you. There’s a Northwestern-Purdue game on this Saturday.

Katie: Mm, you wanna come over?

Joey: You read my mind. You like football?

Katie: No.

Joey: Neither do I. Okay, I’ll talk to you after my audition.

[Casting Director Enters]

Casting Director: Okay, thanks for you patience everyone. We’re going to start reading now. (Looks at Gina) Oh ma’am, I’m sorry, but we’re not reading for the part of Angry Prostitute until tomorrow.

Gina: (Smiling) Oh, I’m not an actress, but thank you!

Casting Director: Okay, uh Joey we’re ready for you now. Oh, and I’d like to introduce you to Katie Harper. You’re going to be reading with her.

Joey: Oh, uh, I thought the scene was with me and my daughter.

Casting Director: That’s right. We cast her in the part. We’re gonna see if you two have chemistry.

Joey: (Worried) I think we might!

[The Casting Director, Joey, and Katie enter the audition room]

Joey: (To himself) You can do this. She’s your daughter… and you’re going to jail.

Casting Director: Whenever you’re ready.

Katie: Hi, Daddy.

Joey: How you doin’? I mean, how are you doing? Is everything all right?

Katie: Why won’t you let me go to Haley’s sleepover party?

Joey: Because there’s a blizzard coming. You could get snowed in.

Katie: You don’t have to worry about me so much anymore. I mean, look at me. I’m a big girl.

Joey: (Voice-Cracking) I can see that. I bet your friends think it’s pretty lame that your old man wants to… hold on to you so tight.

[The casting directors look at each other]

Katie: I-I like it when you do that.

Joey: You’re my special.. little girl.

Katie: I love you, Daddy.

Joey: And I love you too. Now come give Daddy a kiss.

Casting Director: Okay, thank you! Please, never have a daughter.

[Joey goes back out to the waiting room]

Gina: Hey, how’d it go?

Joey: Terrible! Why’s my daughter have to be so hot?! I told you I couldn’t play a dad. Come on.

Gina: No, no, no, no. You go back in there and try it again.

Joey: I can’t. I am too turned on by that girl.

Gina: Joey, you are an actor. Act.

Joey: But I can’t stop thinking about sex.

Gina: You wanna stop thinking about sex?

[Gina kisses Joey]

Joey: Argghhh! What the hell are you doing?! That’s disgusting! You’re my sister.

Gina: And that is your daughter. That is even worse. Now you go back in there and you ask if you can try again.

Joey: Oh, okay. Yeah, you’re right. (Spits) Thanks.

[Scene : Joey and Michael’s House – Joey and Gina get back from the audition]

Joey: Hey.

Michael: Hey. How’d it go?

Gina: Joey sucked the first time, but then I-

Joey: Uh, your mother helped me in a totally normal way.

Michael: So, you feel like it went pretty well, right?

Gina: Wait a minute. What’s that look on your face. You know something?

Michael: What’s the best news I could give you.

Joey: Uh, they fixed the vending machine. Oh, we got a ping-pong table. Oh! Kool and The Gang got back together?!

Michael: Okay, I’m going to have to try this a different way. Uh, you are Langdon Powder’s dad.

Joey: Who?

Michael: You got the part!

Joey: I got the par- I got the part? I did it! I did it!

Michael: Congratulations.

Gina: Congratulations! Oh, Joey, I’m so proud of you.

[Gina kissed Joey]

Joey: Okay.. but that’s the last one!

[Scene : A Restaurant]

Steve: Hey, Joey.

Joey: Hey, Steve.

Steve: How’d that audition go?

Joey: Great. Oh, thanks so much for settin’ that up. I got the part.

Steve: All right. Go Wildcats.

Joey: Yeah, but not Purdue. We hate them.

Steve: (Laughs) yeah. Wait a minute, I’m here with your buddy. (Calls out to a guy on the other side of the restaurant) Lance, come here. You gotta see who this is.

[Lance walks over to them]

Steve: Huh?

Joey: Hey, it’s me Lance Beckman.

[Lance looks confused]

Joey: Joey. I was in your wedding.

Lance: No, you weren’t.

[Steve looks at Joey]

Joey: Ok, look Steve. I have something to tell you… this man is not Lance Beckman!

[End]

Voir la fiche épisode, le script V.O. et le script V.F.

[Scene : Joey and Michael’s House – Joey and Michael]

Joey: Hey, Michael. Who was that girl last night?

Michael: I wasn't with a girl.

Joey: No, the one I brought home. I can never remember her name.

[Knocking on the door – Michael leaves, Joey answers it]

Bobbie: There he is. The star of the new show, Deep Powder.

Joey: Bobbie, hi. Come on in. Wow! What are you doing here?

Bobbie: How would you like to go to Las Vegas and be a celebrity judge? It would be great publicity for your new show.

Joey: Bobbie, I told you. I don’t wanna do stuff like that anymore.

Bobbie: It’s a beauty pageant.

Joey: Anything for the show!

Bobbie: It’s Miss Southwestern USA, but they need you to leave for Vegas tonight.

Joey: Tonight?

Bobbie: Well, you weren’t their first choice.

Joey: Oh, okay, alright fine. Uh, what’s involved in judging?

Bobbie: You have to look at beautiful women and rate them on a scale of one to ten. Can you do that, Joey?

Joey: (Surely) I’ll give it a try. Ok, this is great, but uh, why did you come by to ask me? You could’ve just called.

Bobbie: Well, I like to give my clients the personal attent-

[Michael Enters]

Bobbie: Michael! You are here.

Michael: Oh, gosh, uh…

Bobbie: Well, you’re filling out nicely. Couple more months and you’ll be ready.

Joey: Um, okay. You know what – thanks for stopping by, Bobbie. Here you go. (Hands her her purse)

Bobbie: All right. (Stares at Michael and inhales deeply) Oh, yeah!

[Bobbie Leaves]

Michael: You know, part of me thinks I should just-

Joey: She would eat you alive.

[Scene : Joey and Michael’s House – Joey]

Joey: (Looking at pictures of women in People magazine) I’m going to make a great judge. Seven. (Turns the page) Six. (Turns the page) Ooh, four. Aww, what a cute puppy. Eight.

[Gina Enters]

Gina: Hey.

Joey: Hey.

Gina: So, you ready for your beauty pageant?

Joey: Yeah, I’m really excited, you know. I’ve never been in a position before where my opinion mattered. My judgment could change someone’s life.

Gina: Joey, it’s just a beauty pageant.

Joey: (Gasps) You bite your tongue. You are talking about the Miss Southwest-something-something-something.

Gina: Wow, didn’t know you were taking it so seriously.

Joey: Well, yeah. This is a big step for me, you know. It says I’m a part of the community of celebrities, you know. It says that I can be trusted to judge fairly.

Gina: It says that Corbin Bernsen dropped out last minute.

Joey: It does say that.

[Alex Enters]

Alex: Hey, guys. (Hands Joey a packet) I think this is for you. Someone left it by my door by mistake.

Joey: Ooh, this must be my V.I.P. packet for Vegas!

Alex: Oh, why are you going to Vegas?

Joey: I’m judging a beauty pageant.

Alex: Blech.

Joey: What?

Alex: My sister did pageants. I find them degrading to women.

Gina: Aw, you jealous of her?

Alex: Very.

Joey: Oh my god, there’s some great stuff in here.

Gina: Whoa, what’d you get?

Joey: I don’t know if I can share this with you. This is a V.I.P. packet. You guys are just R.F.s – Regular folk.

[Gina steals the packet from Joey]

Gina: Ooh, comped room, free buffet, front row seats to a Celine Dion concert.

Alex: (Gasps)

Gina: You don’t really like her do you?

Alex: No, no. I just like to go to her concerts as a joke with a bunch of other hilarious people that I met on her website.

Joey: Well you can have these if you want.

Alex: Really?! Wait a minute, is this a prank? Did Sheila from Team Celine put you up to this?

Joey: No, really. You can have the tickets.

Gina: I can’t believe you like Celine Dion.

Alex: Oh, what? I’m sorry it’s not Whitesnake.

Gina: You got a problem with Whitesnake?

Joey: Okay, alright, okay. No one is lookin’ good here. And oh by the way Alex, if you want to catch a ride with me I’m leaving in an hour.

Alex: Okay, great! I’ll go pack.

[Alex Leaves]

Gina: Wait a second, why does she get to go to Vegas and I don’t?!

Joey: No one said you couldn’t go. Why is anger always your first response?

Gina: I really don’t know.

Joey: Look, I have a free suite. Why don’t you and Michael join me?

Gina: That’d be fun.

Joey: Yeah.

Gina: Oh God, Michael’s not gonna want to go. He hates Vegas.

Joey: Alright, well what if we put him in the car and don’t give him a choice?

Gina: Ooh, I’m supposed to pick him up from Cal Tech. We should kidnap him!

Joey: Ah, yeah. Let’s do that.

Gina: All right. This is really exciting. We’re really gonna go. Wait, I’m not dressed for Vegas.

Joey: Gina, you’re always dressed for Vegas.

[Scene : Joey, Gina, and Alex in a car outside Cal Tech]

Alex: Okay, just so you guys know, ‘cause we’ve got a long drive ahead of us, when you throw trash out of the car, it just comes back here and hits me in the face.

[Michael walks out of the Cal Tech building]

Gina: Ooh, there’s Michael. We shouldn’t tell him we’re going to Vegas. Let’s think of a place we know he’ll wanna go.

Joey: Ooh-ooh, let’s tell him we’re going to go get ice cream. No, no, no. Then he’d be really mad when he finds out we’re not. Now I’m mad we’re not getting ice cream.

Michael: (Walks up to the car) Hey. Why are you guys all picking me up?

[Joey, Gina, and Alex just smile at him]

Michael: And why are you grinning like idiots?

Joey: He’s on to us. Drive!

[Joey grabs Michael by his shirt and pulls him into the car. Gina drives off]

[Scene : A casino in Vegas]

Alex: Oh my god, I can’t believe we’re here.

Gina: (Looks at Joey with his sunglasses on) Joey, come on. We’re inside now. Take off the glasses.

Joey: Hey, hey. I am here as a celebrity judge. Celebrity! Okay, people expect certain flair, all right? The sunglasses say, “You may not know who I am, but yeah, it’s me.” Huh? All right. Fine. (Takes off the sunglasses)

Alex: Oh, I better get to my concert. I can’t believe I’m gonna see Celine. It’s like seeing The Beatles.

Gina: Yeah, except she’s like a bony-chested French-Canadian you want to punch in the face.

Alex: Oh really, I can’t remember what state-of-the-art theater was built in Vegas for Whitesnake.

Joey: (Trying to get Alex to leave) Is that Celine?

Alex: Oh! Ooh!

[Alex Leaves]

Joey: All right! Vegas!

Gina: Wow, those girls are hot.

Joey: Hey, hey, hey. That is for me to judge.

Gina: You’re gonna have a fun weekend.

Joey: No, no, no. The rules say I can’t fraternize with the girls. I have to be impartial. Otherwise it would be unfair to the show’s producers, the contestants, and the good people at Mike’s Hard Lemonade and Spike TV.

[Michael Enters wearing a big yellow trucker hat]

Michael: Hey, guys.

Joey: Hey.

Gina: Hey, there you are. So what do you think – we’re gonna have some fun in Vegas?

Michael: I don’t think so. I’m just gonna go up to the room and study.

Gina: Look, I know you didn’t want to come, but I promise we’re gonna have a good time.

Michael: Mom, will you please let me go back to the room?

Gina: No, you’re not going anywhere. Now stop sulking and take off that stupid hat.

[Gina pulls Michael’s hat off]

Michael: I’m not- Mom-

[A woman walks by]

Woman: (To Michael) Hey, nice to see you again, sir.

Joey: Who was that?

Michael: I have no idea.

[A man walks by]

Man: (To Michael) Welcome back sir we’ve missed you.

Joey: What’s going on? How come more people are recognizing you than recognize me?

Michael: All right, fine. I come here, okay? A lot.

Gina: You do?

Michael: Yes, I come here with a bunch of my friends from Cal Tech to play blackjack. We.. we count cards. We win a lot of money.

Joey: Oh my god, Michael’s interesting!

Michael: Don’t use my real name. I’m here under an assumed name.

Gina: Oh, this is too much. I am not buying it.

Michael: Okay, I’ll prove it to you.

[Michael walks over to one of the dealers]

Michael: Hey, Sal.

Sal: Hey, Dr. Rodriguez. You shaved your moustache.

Michael: Yeah, well, the wife couldn’t take it anymore. You know?

[Michael walks back over to Joey and Gina]

Gina: Oh my god. You have been lying to me and doing shady things in Vegas? I have never felt closer to you!

Joey: I can’t believe you count cards. It’s like I got my own rain man. Ooh. (Drops 2 quarters on the floor) How much is that?

Michael: 50 cents.

Joey: That’s spooky.

Gina: I want to count cards with you.

Joey: Yeah, we gotta do this.

Michael: No, I don’t think that’s a good idea.

Gina: Come on, we can rip off the casino together – like a family!

Michael: All right, how ‘bout this. Let’s sleep on it. I’ll teach you first thing in the morning.

Joey: Oh yeah, that’s actually for the best. Yeah, I have an early pageant meeting. Gotta get some rest. You know, go to bed.

[A woman walks up to Joey]

Woman: Were you on Days of Our Lives?

Joey: With her.

[Scene : The Pageant Meeting]

Man: Welcome.

Joey: Hi, Joey Tribbiani. Long-time pageant fan, first-time judge.

Man: Well I’m Jerry, the pageant producer.

Joey: Oh. Hey, sorry I’m a little late. I had kind of a crazy night, but it’s not gonna interfere with my judging duties. I am so honored to be here. To me, there is no more noble endeavor than rating hot chicks. Watch.. (Looks at a woman) Four.

Jerry: That’s my wife.

Joey: Out of five!

[Bob Saget Enters]

Bob: So, Jerry..

Jerry: (To Joey) I want to introduce you to Bob Saget. This is Joey Tribbiani. He’s another one of our celebrity judges.

Joey: Wow, Bob Saget.

[Joey reaches out to shakes his hand. Bob just stares at him.]

Bob: I don’t like to be touched.

Joey: So, wow, are we judging this together? I’m on the same level as you?

Bob: Well, that depends. How much you gettin’ paid for this?

Joey: You’re getting paid?!

Jerry: Okay, everybody, I want to take this opportunity to the judges to the finalists, so here they are. Miss Tucson… Miss Santa Fe… Miss Reno… and Miss Laughlin.

[Miss Laughling comes running into the room]

Miss Laughlin: Sorry I’m late. I had a crazy night.

Joey: Hey, hello again. Nice sash. (Realizing) Ooh..

[Scene : The casino – Gina, Michael, Joey]

Joey: Hey, guys, guys. I just did something bad.

Gina: Okay, here’s the story. You were with me until 10:00. Michael you saw him go to bed at-

Joey: No, no, no, no, no, no, no. It’s nothing like that. I hooked up with one of the contestants.

Michael: Did any of us think that wasn’t gonna happen?

Joey: It wasn’t my fault! She didn’t tell me she was a contestant.

Gina: It didn’t even come up?

Joey: You guys heard every word we said to each other. Okay, now I can’t be impartial. What am I gonna do?

Michael: Well, you could resign.

Joey: Or, I could hook up with the other four finalists.

Michael: Well then none of them will have an advantage. It’ll level the playing field.

Gina: Joey, I gotta say..

Michael: Yeah, please.

Gina: That is brilliant!

Joey: Yeah, yeah. This is too important. I have to preserve the integrity of the Miss Southwestern USA pageant.

Michael: By hooking up with all the contestants?

Joey: Hey, I didn’t ask for the solution to this horrible problem to be wonderful, it just is.

[Joey Leaves]

Gina: All right, come on. Teach me this card counting thing.

Michael: All right, here’s how it works. When I want you to come over to the tale to start betting, I’m gonna run my fingers through my hair. Also, we need a verbal signal for you to stop betting. So, my friends and I usually just work the name of a US President into the conversation. So if I say “Garfield..”

Gina: Cat! Hates Mondays! Lasagna!

Michael: Okay, maybe we’ll try something else. Uh, what’s a subject you know a lot about?

Gina and Michael: (In unison) Alcohol!

Michael: Ok, great. All right, so I’m gonna mention alcohol, and you stop. Now one more thing..

Gina: Make it fast. I’m getting kinda full up here. (Points to her head)

Michael: All right. The Pit Boss cannot find out if we know each other. If he does, he’ll take us to the back room, and very, very bad things happen in the back room.

[Joey Enters]

Joey: Hey. Hey, okay. The Miss Southwestern Teen Pageant is in Ballroom B. I almost just go myself in a lot of trouble.

[Scene : The Casino Restaurant – Joey and Miss Reno]

Joey: Hi, I’m Joey Tribbiani – one of the judges.

Miss Reno: It’s nice to meet you.

Joey: So, (Looking at her sash) Miss.. Reno. Where are you from?

Miss Reno: (Laughs) Reno.

Joey: Ah. Okay, this small talk isn’t working. I’ll cut to the chase. I assume you want the judging to be fair and impartial?

Miss Reno: Of course.

Joey: Walk with me. I’m gonna tell you about an interesting way that we can ensure that that happens.

Miss Reno: But I was just going over some literature for my platform statement.

Joey: Oh, well, let me take a look. What issue have you chosen?

[Joey picks up one of her pamphlets]

Miss Reno: Abstinence.

oey: Okay, I’m gonna go build a little momentum and then get back to you.

[Scene : The casino bar – Joey and a woman]

Joey: Oh, Debbie, whatever you just said sounds very interesting.

Debbie: So, you want to come back to my room?

Joey: I’d like that. And you can feel good, because you are ensuring a fair competition.

Debbie: Competition? What competition?

Joey: Are you not in the Miss Southwestern USA Beauty Pageant?

Debbie: No.

Joey: Then why’d you tell me you were from Tucson?

Debbie: Because I am from Tucson.

Joey: Well, this is just great.

Debbie: Are you coming back to my room or not?

Joey: I’m sorry, you seem like a nice girl. Here. Here’s a pamphlet on abstinence.

[Scene : The casino – Joey, Miss Albuquerque, and Miss Santa Fe]

Joey: Miss Albuquerque, Miss Santa Fe, you two are together. Great. I’m a little behind schedule because someone from Tucson just wasted a lot of my time. So.. you two are both New Mexicans, huh? Do you guys like each other?

Miss Santa Fe: Yeah.

Joey: Really? How much?

Miss Santa Fe: Uh, we’re actually sharing a room.

Joey: That is great news.

[Jerry Enters]

Jerry: Joey, we’re having a special emergency meeting. There have been some improprieties with contestant-judge relations. Please come with me.

Miss Santa Fe: See you at the pageant.

Joey: I wouldn’t bet on it.

[Scene : The Beauty Pageant Meeting Room]

Joey: I would just like to remind everyone that I filled in as a last minute replacement for Corbin Bernsen, and I think that that should count for something.

Jerry: Okay, the reason that we’re here is that one of the contestants, Miss Laughlin, has had improper relations with a judge.

Joey: Maybe it was an irresistible judge, and no one’s at fault.

Jerry: The rules could not be clearer on this issue. As a result, we are disqualifying Miss Laughlin from the competition, and we will be passing her name on to the US Council on Beauty Pageants, Dog Shows, and Rodeos.

Joey: Are you gonna disqualify the judge?

Jerry: Actually, since the pageant is in 3 hours, we don’t have that luxury.

Joey: Oh, well, hold on a sec. That doesn’t seem fair. That’s a double standard.

Jerry: I’m sorry?

Joey: Well, it takes two to tango. The judge is just as guilty as she is, and well as much as it pains me to say it, if she’s gonna go, he should go too.

Jerry: I guess you’re right.

[Joey starts to get up]

Jerry: Bob, I think you should leave.

Bob: Nice speech, Gloria Steinem. Jackass.

[Scene : The Casino]

Gina: Hey, there you are.

Joey: Hey.

Gina: How’d your plan work out?

Joey: Oh, well it turned out Miss Laughlin, that contestant I slept with, was even sleazier than me. And Bob Saget thinks I’m a jackass! How’s it going with you?

Gina: Oh, great. I was just taking a little pee break. I gotta get back. This card-counting thing is amazing. We are way ahead.

Joey: Oh, really? I wanna come watch.

Gina: Oh, okay. But the casino can’t know me know each other. So Michael’s “Dr. Rodriguez” and I’m “Victoria from England.” (Normal voice) That’s why I’m talking in this British accent.

Joey: (Sarcastically) It’s good!

Gina: I know.

[They walk over to the blackjack table]

Dealer: Welcome back.

Michael: Yeah, we missed you, Victoria.

Gina: And I missed you, Dr. Rodriguez. Now sit upstraight.

[Joey walks up to the table]

Joey: (In a Texas accent) Hey, ya’ll. Name’s Dusty. Just flew in from Texas, and I got a hankerin’ to watch me some blackjack.

Michael: Oh, God..

Joey: You know what I like about Vegas? You can sit down at a table full of strangers, yet they all feel like family.

Man: Oh, thanks!

Joey: Not you, sir.

Dealer: (To Gina) Dealer bust. You win again.

[The Pit Boss walks over to their table]

Pit Boss: (To Gina) Hi, you’re having quite a run of luck tonight.

Gina: I know.

Pit Boss: I’m Kevin, the Pit Boss.

Gina: Really! Uh, does anyone at this table think I should stop playing and go get some alcohol?

Joey: Why don’t you just order your drinks from a waitress? That way you can keep playing, get a little extra money. Maybe, I don’t know – buy a family member a pinball machine.

Michael: I don’t know. If the lady wants to leave, Dusty, I think you should let her.

Joey: Was anyone talking to you Dr. Rodriguez?

Gina: (Grabs her handful of chips) Okay, I’m done.

Pit Boss: Wait a minute. You’re not going anywhere.

[Gina looks scared]

Pit Boss: …without your breakfast voucher. You’ve had a great night, and I hope you come and stay with us again.

[Gina grabs the voucher with her mouth and leaves]

Joey: Well, adios muchaco.

[Alex Enters]

Alex: Joey! There you all are. I just got back from my third Celine concert. They were identical.

Joey: I’m not Joey, I’m Dusty.

Pit Boss: Wait a minute, you guys all know each other?

Alex: Oh, yeah! These three troublemakers are my neighbors back in L.A. Wow, Gina, you have so many chips. Oh, I bet Michael helped you, ‘cause he’s such a math genius.

Pit Boss: Okay, I want all of you to come with me now to the back room. Now.

Joey: Dag nab it, this sure is one Texas-size mess.

[Scene : The Back Room – Pitt Boss, Joey, Gina, Michael, and Alex]

Pit Boss: Stay right here. I’ll be back.

[The Pit Boss Leaves]

Alex: Is it just me or does that man seem like he was mad at us for something?

Michael: We we’re counting cards. They’re gonna- they’re gonna kill us. You guys, I’m freaking out.

Gina: It’s okay, baby. You wanna know what scared is? Finding out you’re pregnant at 16.

Joey: That’s nothing. You wanna know what scared is? One time this big mouth almost flew into my mouth!

Gina: That does not top my story.

Joey: No? Okay.

Alex: You guys, what are we gonna do?

Joey: Uh, oh! Oh! I know how we’re gonna get out of this.

Michael: What? You’re gonna sleep with all the Pit Boss’?

Joey: No, no. We’re gonna pretend to be dumb, okay? It’s something that works for me all the time. Like, when a girl catches me with someone else, I just go, “But baby, I don’t understand what the problem is. I thought she was you!”

Michael: You want them to think we’re too stupid to count cards.

Joey: Yeah, yeah, Okay now, let me see all of you make a dumb face.

[They all make their dumb faces]

Joey: Gina – good, but you had the shortest distance to travel. Alex – you’re not there. Uh, imagine Celine said your name on stage.

[Alex makes a surprised/dumb face]

Joey: Perfect! Okay, Michael, it still looks like there’s a light on in there.

[Michael makes another dumb face]

Joey: There ya go.

Gina: That’s what I though my son would look like.

Joey: (Hears someone opening to door) Okay, dummy up, dummy up.

[The Pit Boss Enters – Joey, Gina, Michael and Alex are using their dumb faces]

Pit Boss: Look, we know you’ve been counting cards.

Gina: (Acting dumb) Whaaat?

Pit Boss: We’ve got you on camera.

Alex: (Acting dumb) Blugh…?

Pit Boss: You guys are in a lot of trouble.

Joey: (Acting dumb) But baby, I thought she was you.

Michael: (Serious) Just, please don’t do anything to us.

Pit Boss: Look, I’ve got no choice. You’re names are going in the book. All the casinos are gonna know who you are. You’ll never gamble in this town again.

Joey: That’s it? You’re not gonna break our legs or anything?

Pit Boss: I went to the Cornell School of Hotel Management. You got 30 minutes to check out, and I never want to see any of your faces around here again.

[The Pitt Boss Leaves – Michael looks relieved]

Joey: Okay.. 30 minutes, 3 contestants’ room keys, and a case of Mike’s Hard Lemonade. See you guys at the car.

[The End]

Voir la fiche épisode, le script V.O. et le script V.F.

[Scene : Joey and Michael's Apartment - Joey and Alex]

Alex: Joey, it's late. What's the tenant emergency?

Joey: Look, I swear it's important. It is so warm in L.A. that I am not feeling the Christmas spirit.

Alex: Okay, my beeper is for emergencies! Okay? It is not for talking about the holidays, or for when you're in the hot tub and cant reach a towel, or for when your out of jelly.

Joey: But you brought the jelly, right?

Alex: Yes.

Joey: Ok now, uh, I just have a few simple ideas on how to make the apartment more festive. You don’t have to do anything. I just need your approval.

Alex: Okay.

Joey: Can I dress your cat like a reindeer?

Alex: No.

Joey: I’m sorry, may I dress your cat like a reindeer?

Alex: No.

Joey: Okay, alright. When do you freeze the hot tub for skating?

Alex: Never. That’s impossible.

Joey: Impossible, or Mmm, possible?

Alex: Ok, why don’t you let me look at your list and I can tell you what you can do?

[Joey hands Alex the list]

Alex: No. No. I don’t even know what a live snow man is. That is offensive to non-Christians. And that is offensive to everyone.

Joey: Oh, come on. You gotta give me something.

Alex: Well, you can do this - get a tree and some lights.

Joey: Alright, well that’s a start. Look, I know I’m all worked up about it but it's my first holiday season in L.A. and it just doesn’t feel right. Okay? So we have to all work that much harder to make it special. It's like I said when I was in A Christmas Carol, "Figgy pudding, figgy puddin for sale." I had a really small part.

Joey: Hi, I’m Joey Tribbiani. I have a meeting with the executive producer.

Tracy: I’m Tracy, Lauren’s assistant.

Joey: Oh, uh, who’s Lauren?

Tracy: The executive producer..

Joey: Oh, right. Sorry, I’m a little nervous. It’s nice to meet you, Lauren.

Tracy: Uh, why don’t you just go in.

[Joey enters Lauren’s office]

Joey: Hey.

Lauren: Hi.

Joey: Wow, you’re the executive producer? Good thing I didn’t see you outside. I probably would’ve hit on you.

Lauren: You did. Before one of your auditions, you asked me if I wanted to go back to your place and.. split a candy bar?

Joey: You were smart to say no. There was no candy bar.

Lauren: We haven’t been formerly introduced. I’m Lauren Beck, and I’m thrilled to be working with you.

[Lauren puts a tissue on her hand, and shakes hands with Joey]

Joey: Oh yeah, oh. Um, I’m sorry. What’s the deal with the tissue?

Lauren: Oh, I’m a little compulsive, especially when I get nervous.

Joey: Oh hey, that’s totally normal. I’m compulsive too. Like, I wash my hands almost every day.

Lauren: It used to be much worse. When I came in the office I had to open and close the drawers a hundred times and then I’d constantly run home and check if the oven was off.

Joey: Hey, that’s actually a good idea. I have an aunt. She left her oven on – burned her house down. She lost everything.

[Lauren gets on the intercom]

Lauren: (Yelling) Tracy, I’m gonna need you to go back to my house and check the oven again.

Joey: You know, if you left it on, it’s probably already too late.

Lauren: What are you doing? Listen, the reason I called you in is we’re having a press junket, and I’m gonna need you to be front and center as our sexiest cast member.

Joey: I bet you say that to all the cast members.

Lauren: Yes, I do. Anyway, they’re gonna ask you some questions. Just be polite and charming. You know, you might want to think of some funny material.

Joey: Ooh, how about this, “What is the deal with the kiwi? Huh? Is it a fruit? is it a vegetable? I mean come on!”

Lauren: It’s a fruit.

Joey: Oh.

Lauren: Anyway, you’ll do great. And we just got the first script, and it’s amazing. There’s some twists in here that’ll blow your mind.

Joey: Oh really, can I take it?

[Joey picks up the script]

Lauren: Uh, just keep it between us because you’re the first one to see it.

Joey: Is that because I’m the sexiest cast member?

Lauren: No, it’s because you got your germs on it and I don’t want it back.

Joey: God, I’m so hot.

Michael: Then take off the hat and the parka.

Joey: No, this is what I’ve worn every time I picked out a good tree. When people see you guys dressed like that, you know what they think? They think “These people have no Christmas spirit.” You know what they think when they see me?

Gina: That guy from Days of Our Lives is homeless?

Joey: I’m sorry, but I am trying to get into the holiday spirit, okay? Is this how you normally buy a tree, in summer clothes?

Gina: Actually, we haven’t gotten a tree since Michael was little.

Joey: What? Why not?

Gina: Christmas is only fun when you have kids and they believe in that Christmas magic. He figured out the whole deal with Santa when he was three.

Michael: Yeah, it’s just basic math. It would be impossible for Santa to visit all the children of the world in one night even in if you assume a generous 50% naughty rate.

Joey: Well, those of us who love Christmas are not gonna let you and math and you’re friend, the sun, ruin our hoiliday. (Yelling) Are we people?!

Gina: Joey, why are you shouting?

Joey: Am I shouting? I think I’m having a stroke.

Michael: Can we please just choose a tree and get out of here?

Joey: Fine. (Walks up to a man) Greetings, woodsman. So, what are we looking at here – Douglas fir or spruce?

Man: I don’t know, I’m just a stock boy at the supermarket.

Gina: Oh, do you carry a fortified wine called, “The Fist?”

Joey: Gina, focus! Okay? Let’s take a look at these things.

[Joey walks around looking at different trees]

Joey: No. No. No, this one’s trying too hard.

Gina: Oh, pick one. What’s the difference? It’s just gonna die.

Joey: Oh, well, you could say the same thing about Michael here, but you don’t love him any less. Huh? Look, this tree has gotta be perfect. It’s my favorite thing about Christmas… except for Rudolph.

Michael: Okay, all right, let’s just assume for a second that a nose can glow. On order to produce enough light to actually guide a sleigh-

Joey: Shut it! You are ruining Christmas for all these little kids.

[Joey points to the miniature trees]

Gina: What kids? Are you talking about the trees?

[Joey blinks]

Joey: I got to find some shade.

Joey: Hey. Sorry I’m late. The press junket hasn’t started already, has it? I had to buy a Christmas tree.

Lauren: Is there more to this excuse?

Joey: No.

Lauren: Wow. So, let me introduce you to the cast. This of course is Katie, your daughter.

Katie: Hey sexy, we still need to get that drink.

Lauren: You two won’t be sitting next to each other. This is Bodie. He plays a ski instructor.

Bodie: ‘Sup?

Joey: Hey, I’m Joey Tribbiani.

Bodie: Oh man, I love you!

Joey: Oh, you know me from Days of Our Lives.

Bodie: No, I just think you’re awesome!

Lauren: Uh, this is Gunnar. We don’t know what role he’s playing but.. he’s hot.

Gunnar: Guilty.

Lady: Lauren, they want to start.

Lauren: Okay, let’s go.

Joey: Uh, Lauren. Lauren, quick thing. Listen uh, these kids are all newbies, and I’m an old pro, so should we come up with a signal in case you think I’m being too charismatic and blowing someone else off the stage?

Lauren: Good idea. How’s this for a signal?

[Lauren makes a gagging gesture]

Joey: Nice. Yeah, okay.

[They enter the room where the press junket is being held]

Lauren: All right, ladies and gentlemen, my name is Lauren Beck, and I’m executive producer of Deep Powder-

Joey: Yeah!

[Joey realizes no one else is applauding - he gets quiet]

Lauren: It’s my pleasure to present the cast. So let’s open the floor to questions.

Reporter 1: This question’s for Bodie Blair. If you could say one thing to your public, what would it be?

Bodie: ‘Sup, public?

Reporter 1: Thank you.

Reporter 2: HI, this is for Katie Harper. Katie, what are your hobbies?

Katie: I’m into erotic art.

Joey: Uh, I have a couple of follow up questions related to that.

[Lauren elbows Joey]

Joey: Ow! It can wait ‘til later.

Reporter 3: Mr. Tribbiani, you got your start in theater. I have a question related to that.

Joey: Ah, hit me.

Reporter 3: Dramaturgically speaking, Deep Powder is clearly a rehashing of the Lear paradigm combined with elements of Aristophanes, and of course, it goes without saying, Sheridan. Will this source material inform your portrayal of the patriarch?

Joey: (Confused) What?!

Reporter 3: The classics do permeate all modern media. I mean, surely this will color your realization of the character.

Joey: Geez, what magazine is this lady from?

[Lauren stares at Joey]

Reporter 3: Is there anything you can tell us about the show?

Joey: Well, yeah. Yeah, I could do that. I just read the first episode, and there are some plot twists in there that will blow your mind. Like, in the first episode, this guy dies! (Points to Bodie)

[All the reporters quickly start writing in their notebooks]

Bodie: I die?! I just bought a Ferrari!

Lauren: Joey, that was supposed to be a surprise.

Joey: Oh uh, Okay, I’m gonna have to collect all your little notebooks.

Lauren: (Slamming drawers) 98, 99, 100! Thanks for this Joey! (She goes to another drawer) 1, 2-

Joey: Lauren, Lauren, Lauren, look. I am so sorry I screwed up the plot twist. I panicked.

Lauren: Didn’t they ever have press junkets on Days of Our Lives?

Joey: Yeah, but the producer always forgot to tell me about them. That’s good producing.

Lauren: I’m just really disappointed, Joey. I was really counting on you. You’re our most experienced actor, and you’re the patriarch.

Joey: Hey, hey. We’re all Americans here.

Lauren: I want you to understand that what you did affects a lot of people. We’re gonna have to throw out the script now, and I’m gonna be up all night with the writers trying to come up with a new plot twist.

Joey: So you’re not gonna kill Bodie?

Lauren: No, which is a shame, because his transition from professional skateboarding to acting hasn’t been as smooth as I’d hoped.

Joey: Lauren, I’m so sorry. Look, I screwed up, but hey, on the bright side, I helped you forget about your oven.

[Lauren gets on the intercom]

Lauren: (Yelling) Tracy!

Joey: I’ll tell her on the way out.

Joey: Hey, guys. Check it out. I got the perfect tree. It smells like Christmas when we were kids, and the girl selling it had crazy low jeans on.

Gina: And I found a store down by the airport that carries “The Fist

Joey: Hey!

Michael: So are you feeling better about the press conference thing?

Joey: My boss was pretty mad at me, but I’m trying not to let it get me down, you know? I mean, it is the holiday season. And as I said in A Christmas Carol, (Speaking in a bad cockney accent) “Oy, a sixpence, Guv’nor! Thank you kindly!”

Michael: Oh, hey, Joey, looks like they sent you a new script.

Joey: Oh, great. All right. I’ll start studying my lines now. Since I screwed up, I really need to impress my boss.

Gina: So now that they can’t kill Bodie, what’s the new twist?

Joey: Oh, well, Lauren wouldn’t tell me, but if she’s as talented as she is crazy, it’s gonna be good, yeah. (Looking at the script) Uh.. oh, cool. I’m in the last scene.

Gina: Oh good for you, what are you doing?

Joey: Uhh.. ooh, I’m up on a cliff. And I’m defusing a bomb! That sounds dangerous! (Realizing) Oh my God! I’m the plot twist! I can’t believe they’re going to kill me.

Michael: Are you sure? Does the bomb actually go off?

Joey: Uh, well, I ddon’t know. Let’s see. The end is..

[Joey flips to the last page]

Joey: (Reading) “The last page will not be distributed due to Joey Tribbiani - based security reasons.” Oh, this is so bad!

Gina: No, no, no. Calm down. People want to fire me all the time, and there’s a real easy way to get out of it.

Joey: How?

Gina: By falsely accusing them of sexual harassment. Here’s a little move I like to call, “The Reverse.”

[Gina backs up to Michael, and puts his hand on her butt]

Gina: (Gasps) How dare you! I will see you in court! See?

Michael: Actually, “The Reverse” paid for my space camp.

Joey: Gina, I am not gonna do that. Ugh, why couldn’t that reporter have asked me something I could answer? I knew I should’ve talked about the kiwi!

Michael: Joey, maybe you’re over reacting. There’s another character in the bomb scene with you; this guy, Charlie. Maybe they’ll kill him off.

Joey: Maybe, yeah. All right. Ok, I’m gonna go down to the set early and see if I can change Lauren’s mind. If I can’t change her mind, I’ll just- I’ll just take it like a man and..

[Joey backs into Michael]

Michael: What are you doing?

Joey: I could ask the same question of you, sir!

Joey: Hey, Katie.

Katie: Joey. I read the script. I’m sorry. Maybe we can go back to my dressing room and I can cheer you up.

Joey: Oh boy, any other time that would be great, but I’m really not in the right place for that right now. You understand, don’t you?

Katie: No.

Joey: Oh, I like you.

[Katie Leaves – Gunnar Enters]

Gunnar: Hey, Dead-o. (Imitates an explosion)

Joey: Haha, very funny, Gunnar. You know, you don’t even have a character.

Gunnar: Yeah well, at least my none-character’s alive.

[Gunnar Leaves]

Joey: Should never try to match wits with Gunnar. Uh, hey, Lauren. Look, I just read the script, and I just want to say please, please don’t kill me.

Lauren: But you haven’t read the last page. You might not die.

Joey: Really?

Lauren: But you probably do.

Joey: All right, I know you’re looking for a big plot twist, but there’s another guy, Charlie, in the scene with me. Maybe he could die.

Lauren: That’s an interesting idea. Why don’t I introduce you to Charlie?

Joey: Oh, yeah.

[They walk over to a little boy]

Lauren: Joey, this is Sawyer. He’s playing Charlie.

Sawyer: I’m eight. I’m home-schooled.

Joey: He’s adorable. You’re not gonna kill him. Aw crap!

Sawyer: That’s a swear word. Put a quarter in the jar.

[They walk away from Sawyer]

Joey: Oh, yeah, what a cutie. Let me make the case for killing the kid.

Lauren: What?

Joey: Yeah, it’s so crazy. No one would see it coming. Now I’m not a writer, but what if this kid is, like, a Russian spy, yeah? And I tie him to the bomb and I run, and I’m all “Eat bomb, Commie!” Huh?

Lauren: I don’t think so. Excuse me.

[Lauren Leaves – Joey sits down and sees Charlie standing next to him]

Charlie: Why so glum, chum?

Joey: Hey, Sawyer. You wanna play a game? Go over to the producer lady and tell her she left her oven on.

Alex: Oh, God, I wish I was Oprah.

Michael: (Scoffs) Me, too.

[Gina Enters carrying a big box]

Gina: Any word from Joey yet?

Michael: No, not yet. What’s in the box?

Gina: Well, it seems like Joey’s about to be fired, so I thought we could surprise him by decorating the place for Christmas.

Michael: Are these our old ornaments? I haven’t seen these in a long time.

Gina: That’s because it’s been a while since we’ve had a child to decorate for, but now we do; Joey!

Alex: Oh, when he comes home and sees this place all decorated just think how his little face will light up.

[Gina and Michael start pulling things out of the box]

Gina: Oh, it’s your first ornament.

Michael: Oh, my God.

Gina: A snow globe.

Michael: A bottle of tequila?

Gina: You try putting together a tricycle without a man around.

Michael: Um, mom, this is fine. But if you’re going to do this, you should go all out. Do something big.

Gina: Like what?

Alex: Well, I know he’d like an all-monkey manger scene with a squirrel baby Jesus.

Michael: How do you know that?

Alex: It was one of the things on his list.

[Alex hands them the list]

Gina: Oh, this is perfect. We can find out exactly what he wants.

Michael: All right, why does he want gypsies?

Gina: Hmm, he gets them confused with elves; always has. Yeah, but there is some stuff on here we can do.

Michael: Mm-hmm.

Gina: Oh, he wants carolers. Do we know anyone who can sing?

Alex: (Singing tunelessly) Siiiiilent N-

Gina: Okay, no carolers!

Lauren: Okay everybody, we’re ready to shoot the bomb scene.

Joey: Uh, listen, Lauren, I don’t want to pull a star trip right now, but this scene doesn’t work for me creatively.

Lauren: Joey, please take your mark.

Joey: You know what, can I just- can I take a second?

Lauren: Yeah, yeah. Everybody let’s all gather round and take a second, and give a round of applause to Joey Tribbiani. It’s been great working with him.

[Everyone applauds – Gunnar imitates an explosion again]

Lauren: Okay, let’s get started.

Joey: Oh, but-but, I don’t know what to do at the end. You didn’t let me read the last page.

Lauren: Oh, it’s pretty clear what happens in the end. And then the special effects guys take over.

Joey: And then bring in the dinosaur that carries me to safety?

Lauren: All right, and rolling. And cue the snow.

Marker: Deep Powder, Scene 58, Take 1.

Lauren: And… action!

Charlie: Come on, Captain Powder. You gotta run! That bomb’s gonna ‘splode!

Joey: No, I have to see this through. You run, Charlie. (Sarcastically) You’re lifes more important than mine.

[Charlie Leaves]

Joey: Well, I guess it’s just you and me now, Powder Mountain. If I don’t make it out of this alive, it doesn’t really matter, because all that matters (Sarcastically) is that the mountain lives on.

Lauren: Now cut the wire.

[Joey cuts the wire]

Lauren: And the bomb doesn’t explode. Now react.

Joey: What? It didn’t go off? Oh, my God, I’m alive! I can’t believe I did it!

[Gunnar looks mad - Katie and Bodie smile]

Lauren: This is great Joey, we can use this, keep going.

Joey: Oh, oh, great! The sky is bluer the snow is whiter. Joey’s back! Suck it bomb!

Lauren: And cut!

Joey: I am so relieved! I really thought I was gonna die.

Lauren: You have a great performance.

Joey: Wait a minute. You were messing with me to get back at me from the press conference?

Lauren: What, me? Mess with my sexiest cast member?

Joey: Yeah, you wouldn’t do that.

Lauren: Well, welcome back to Powder Mountain.

Joey: Thank you. How ‘bout a hug?

Lauren: How ‘bout just a wave?

[They wave]

Joey: Hey, guys. Guess what? Great news. I didn’t die!

[They all congratulate him]

Joey: Yeah, yeah, let’s go out and celebrate.

Gina: Let’s go in the apartment first.

Joey: No, no, it’s boring in there. Let’s go do something special.

Gina: Maybe there’s something special in the apartment.

Joey: No, no, let’s go out.

Gina: Get in the damn apartment!

[They all go inside – It’s all decorated]

Joey: (Gasps) Oh, my God!

Alex: Oh, look at his little face!

Joey: You guys, it looks fantastic in here. I can’t believe you did this.

Gina: We couldn’t get you everything on your list, but we got you an inflatable snowman.

Alex: And a dancing Santa.

[Alex turns on the dancing Santa]

Joey: Hey!

Michael: And Joey..

[Michael picks up two elves]

Joey: Gypsies!

Gina: Here, have some eggnog.

Joey: Oh.

Gina: I spiked it with The Fist.

Joey: Ah.. (He hands it back to Gina) I am finally feeling like it’s Christmas, you know? This is really special. I get to keep my job. I’m surrounded by friends and family. It’s like I said in that holiday beer commercial that only aired in Germany, “Das ist ein gut Christmas Bier!”

Lauren: So that’s basically the plot for the next episode. Any questions?

Joey: Uh, yeah. I’ve been meaning to ask you, so since you didn’t kill Bodie and you didn’t kill me, do you still need a plot twist?

Lauren: Oh, I have a plot twist. There was somebody actually who behaved even worse than you did.

[Gunnar Enters]

Gunnar: Hey, sweet mama. You wanted to see me?

Lauren: Yeah, Gunnar, are you ready to shoot this scene?

Gunnar: I was born ready, baby. Hey Dead-o. Guess who finally got a character? I’m a helicopter blade inspector. And I get to play it drunk.

Lauren: Joey, would you care to come watch this scene?

Joey: I think I’d like that Lauren.

Voir la fiche épisode, le script V.O. et le script V.F.

[Scene: Joey and Michael’s Apartment – Michael, Gina, and Joey]

Gina: (Takes the lasagna out of the oven) Okay, lasagna looks good.

Joey: Ooh, I can not wait. Huh, Michael?

Michael: Eh. I just don’t get that excited about food, you know? If I could just take a pill once a day instead of eating, I’d be happy.

Joey: Yeah, if they make that than I get your food.

Michael: All right, than I get your pill.

Joey: Yeah, you just try to take it!

(Gina serves the lasagna, Alex Enters)

Alex: Hey, guys.

Michael: Hey, Alex. Mom made some lasagna. You wanna join us?

Alex: Oh, no, that’s okay. I have a healthy frozen dinner in the microwave. It only has 4 grams of- (Watching Gina put lasagna on a plate) Oh God, real food!

Gina: What kind of piece would you like?

Alex: What do you mean? Are there different kinds?

Joey: All right, class is in session. There are 4 distinct types of lasagna pieces, okay? Now the corners are known as the “corner pieces,” also known as.. (Looks to Michael for the answer)

Michael: The Joey.

Joey: And we have the edge pieces (Points out the outer part of the lasagna) Here, here, here, and here. And we have the middle.

Alex: And what’s the fourth kind?

Michael: The piece with Mom’s hair in it.

Joey: Mm hmm.

Gina: And today there’s a fifth kind. (Holds up her finger) I lost my nail in there.

Alex: Um, I guess I’ll have a middle.

Gina: (Sigh) She would go for that. (She says something in what sounds like Italian to Joey. Joey says something back, also in Italian)

Alex: (To Michael) Are they talking about me in Italian?

Michael: No, they can’t speak Italian. They just like to pretend they can.

(Joey looks at Michael and yells something at him in his fake Italian)

Alex: (Eats a bite of lasagna) Gina, this is incredible. You gotta teach me how to make this. (Alex quickly eats mouthfuls of lasagna while saying “Mmm..” after each bite. Gina, Michael, and Joey just watch her eat, shocked)

Gina: Dear God, look at her.

Michael: I know, it’s- it’s disgusting.

Joey: I love you.

[Opening Credits]

[Scene: The Deep Powder stage – Joey is shooting a scene]

Lauren: And.. action!

Joey: I don’t know if I can do this. I haven’t been with anyone since my wife died 3 weeks ago.

Ivana: I think I can make you happy.

Lauren: No! Cut!

(A bell rings)

Lauren: He’s fragile here. I need you to look into his eyes. Ugh, here. I’ll show you. (Lauren starts to put her hands on Joey’s face, but quickly backs off) Ew. Skin. Germs. Gloves! (A person from the set brings Lauren a pair of gloves and she puts them on) It should be like this. (She grabs Joey and looks into his eyes) I think I can make you happy.

Joey: Hey.. you have freckles.

Lauren: Joey, focus. I think I can make you happy.

Joey: I wanna be happy.

Lauren: Then let me do this. (She leans in to kiss him but backs away quickly) I want it more like that.

Joey: Wow, that was good. Do it like that!

Lauren: And then we’ll end the scene with your daughter running in and interrupting you. Okay? So why don’t we all take 5 and then we’ll come back and finish shooting this scene. And Joey, five, does not mean five hours.

Joey: Yeah, you made that clear yesterday, thank you. (Lauren walks off, Joey turns to see Katie standing behind him) Hey.

Katie: I didn’t like watching you be all flirty with Lauren.

Joey: Come on, you know I only have eyes for my daughter.

(Lauren has been watching Joey with Katie)

Lauren: Joey, can I see you for a minute?

(Joey leaves Katie to talk to Lauren)

Joey: Yeah?

Lauren: So, you and Katie. What’s going on there?

Joey: Oh, well, I’m a gentleman, so let’s just say I’m still circling the airport but I have been given permission to land, huh? (Joey puts his hand up for a high-five)

Lauren: I’m gonna leave you hanging on that one. So look Joey, I’ve worked on a lot of shows before, and romances between co-stars never work.

Joey: Please, this isn’t a problem. I know how to handle women. It’s the thing I’m second best at in the world.

Lauren: What’s the first?

Joey: Acting.

Lauren: It’s just that this kind of thing can get messy. I’ve seen it happen before.

Joey: If it’s that important to you, I’ll break it off with Katie.

Lauren: Thank you.

Joey: But hey, if I promise to discontinue service to this airport can I make one emergency landing?

Lauren: No.

[Scene: Joey and Michael’s Apartment – Gina, Michael, and Alex are in the kitchen, Joey Enters]

Joey: Hey.

Alex: (Pouring salt into a spoon) Hi.

Joey: What’s going on?

Gina: I am teaching Alex how to make sauce. She is gonna make a lasagna.

Alex: Yeah, Eric’s back in town tonight so I’m gonna make it for him.

Joey: Oh right, your husband. Say, when you’re ready, I got some questions about why he’s away so much.

Alex: Okay, I’m not ready.

Gina: (Looking at Alex pour the salt into the spoon) What are you doing?

Alex: You said to put a teaspoon in.

Gina: Just go like this. (Pours some into her hand and drops it into the pot of sauce)

Alex: Oh..

Gina: God, you have got to loosen up. Cooking comes from the heart. It is passionate, sensual. You gotta let go of everything. Come on, let’s do some hip rolls.

(Gina rolls her hips and makes grunting noises)

Joey: (To Michael) Seen enough?

Michael: Oh yes.

[Scene: The set of Deep Powder – Joey and Katie are talking behind one of the cabins]

Joey: Lauren saw us together and she thinks it’s a bad idea.

Katie: What?

Joey: She’s against on set romance, even if the resulting sex is guaranteed to be satisfying and vigorous.

Katie: That’s terrible.

Joey: I know this is hard. It’s hard for me too, but it’s our boss. We have to listen to her. Okay, we have to stop. (Joey turns to walk away)

Katie: Do we?

Joey: (Quickly turns back to look at Katie) Maybe not. What do you got?

Katie: Well, what if we’re together but it’s a secret?

Joey: I don’t know. Lauren seemed pretty serious.

Katie: Come on. You are officially cleared for landing.

Joey: That is a strong argument.

(Back in Lauren’s office, Lauren enters drying her hands. The TV in her office is on, and it’s a shot of where Joey and Katie are talking)

(On the TV)

Joey: Okay, but if we’re gonna be together in secret we’re gonna have to be really really careful.

Katie: Well, it’s not like Lauren’s gonna catch us. She’s gonna be too busy washing her hands to notice.

(Lauren drops the paper towel that she was drying her hands with - Cut back to the set where Joey and Katie are talking)

Joey: (Laughs) Well, no one’s watching us now.

Katie: Wait, is that camera on? (Points to the camera that Lauren’s watching them through)

(Cut back to the TV view of Joey and Katie from Lauren’s office)

Joey: Uh.. no, I can tell when it’s on. (Puts his face right up in the lens) Yeah, it’s off.

[Scene: Joey and Michael’s Apartment – Gina, Joey, and Michael, Alex Enters]

Alex: Hey, Gina, that lasagna turned out so well. My husband loved it. And I played with the recipe a tiny bit - added a secret ingredient, and I think it might’ve turned out better than the one you made.

(Gina stops reading her magazine and scowls)

Joey: Uh.. she didn’t mean better.

Michael: I thought you said different.

Joey: Yeah, Mm hmm.

Gina: (Doubtful) It turned out better than mine?

Alex: I didn’t mean it as an insult. You taught me. You should be happy that I improved it.

Joey: Oh.. (Looks at Alex) She had such a pretty face.

Gina: I wanna taste it.

Alex: We ate it all.

Gina: Make another one.

Alex: But you’re just gonna say it’s not good.

Gina: Then we’ll have a taste test and they’ll judge. (Looks at Joey and Michael)

Joey: Exactly where I hoped this was going!

Michael: Wait a second, taste test? Doesn’t anyone here have a job?

Gina: What do you say, we on?

Alex: No, I am not having a lasagna taste test.

Gina: Why? Is fear your secret ingredient?

Alex: You’re on!

Joey: (To Michael) For a second there, I thought it wasn’t gonna happen, but then she said the thing and now they’re doing it.

Michael: Yeah, we were all here, Joey.

Gina: (Picks up her bag) Okay, I’m gonna go home and get started.

Alex: (Heading for the back door) Good, I’ll get to the store. I have to go buy my secret ingredient.

Gina: Oh that’s okay, because if my grandmother didn’t need it, and my mother didn’t need it, I don’t need it.

Joey: Uh, you said the same thing about therapy. I’m not sure you’re right.

(Gina and Alex leave)

Michael: This is stupid. I don’t wanna do a taste test.

Joey: Do this for me. I help you with all your tests.

Michael: Well that’s just not true.

Joey: Come on, just play along.

Michael: No, it’s not that. I’m not gonna be able to tell the difference, okay?

Joey: All right, here’s what we’ll do. Just pick the lasagna I pick. I’ll know which is which.

Michael: Yeah, but-

Joey: No, no, no. I have a secret weapon; a finely tuned instrument that is able to pick up the most subtle flavor differences. (Sticks out his tongue) I’ll show you! I’ll show you. Go ahead. Just put anything in my mouth. Go ahead. (Closes his eyes and opens his mouth – Michael walks away) Michael. Michael? (Opens his eyes to see that Michael isn’t there) That’s a good one.

[Scene: The set of Deep Powder]

Lauren: That’s it, Brian, thank you. Okay, let’s set up for the scene with the bear.

(Joey and Lauren are hiding behind a tree kissing, but two set workers move the tree away. Lauren stares at them)

Joey: (Realizing Lauren can see them) Oh, hey, Katie. Didn’t notice you there.

Lauren: Joey, I’d like to see you in my office please.

Joey: Aw, I just went there!

(Lauren leaves to her office)

Katie: What is going on with you two?

Joey: What?

Katie: She wants to “see you in her office?” And yesterday there was that scene she was just “helping you with?” I saw the way you were looking at her.

Joey: I was acting.

Katie: You’re not that good of an actor.

(Katie walks away)

Joey: Am I the only one who thinks I’m good?!

[Scene: Lauren’s Office]

Joey: What’s up?

Lauren: So, you and Katie had a little talk?

Joey: Yep.

Lauren: I’m having a hard time believing you broke up with her.

Joey: Oh, are you talking about when we were just together on the side of the cabin, when I was helping her get that splinter out of her tongue?

Lauren: Let me show you something, Joey. (Turns on the TV she was watching Joey and Katie through the day before) I have a live feed of the stage.

Joey: I guess it’s show-off time.

Lauren: (Pointing to the screen) This is where you were standing yesterday when you and Katie decided to have a “secret relationship.”

Joey: But I looked at the camera; the red off light was on!

Lauren: I also heard you laughing about how Lauren will never know ‘cause she’ll be too busy washing her hands! I was a little late, because I was in the bathroom washing my hands, but I got the gist!

Joey: Okay look, I’m sorry. We messed up, but the thing is we’re both adults, okay? And if we think we can handle this, isn’t that our decision? I mean, as long as it doesn’t affect the show.

(The Line Producer, Todd, runs in)

Todd: Katie has locked herself in her dressing room and she won’t come out because she says she hates Joey!

Joey: Oh God, I’m so sorry. (Looks at the TV and laughs) The prop guy’s picking his nose.

(Lauren turns off the TV and glares at Joey)

[Scene: The hallway outside Katie’s dressing room]

Joey: Let’s see if I can get her out.

Lauren: You have to. We’re supposed to be shooting a very expensive scene right now. I know guys like you; when a woman is upset you have ways of calming her down, so do it!

Joey: Okay. (To Lauren) Listen, Lauren, this is gonna be okay-

Lauren: Not to me!

Joey: Right, right.

(Joey knocks on Katie’s dressing room door – Lauren knocks on the wall. Joey looks at her questioningly)

Lauren: When you knock, I have to knock.

Joey: (Sweet voice) Katie, honey, it’s me Joey.

Katie: Go away! Where’s your girlfriend, Lauren?

Joey: She’s right here. She’s not my girlfriend. I don’t find her attractive at all. (He turns to look at Lauren and shakes his head to show that he’s not serious. Lauren sarcastically wipes her forehead and mouths “phew.”)

(Todd enters)

Todd: Lauren, we have got to get started. The crew’s about to go into overtime, and if we take much longer we are going to have to feed the bear!

Joey: We’re using a real bear? I thought it was a guy in a suit; I kicked him!

Lauren: Just- just give me a minute!

(Todd leaves)

Lauren: You have got to get her out of there.

Joey: But what happens if I can’t?

Lauren: Well, I’d have to check but I’m pretty sure you’d be fired. Wait a minute, yep.

Joey: Oh! Wait, I know someone who can help us. (Takes out his cell phone and calls Bobbie)

Bobbie: Hello.

Joey: (On phone) Hey, Bobbie, listen. I got myself into a situation. It’s bad.

Bobbie: Okay, here’s the game plan. Flush the drugs, throw the gun in the river, we’ll tell everyone it was exhaustion.

Joey: (On phone) No, no, no, no. I need you to come down to the set. I’ve been seeing my daughter on the show and she’s locked herself into her dressing room and now we can’t do the scene with the bear!

Bobbie: Every time I’m about to give up on this business something wonderful like this happens. I’ll be right there. (Hangs up)

Joey: Okay. (Hangs up)

Lauren: Who was that?

Joey: My agent, Bobbie. If anyone can get her out of there, it’s her. She is an amazing negotiator; that’s how she got me such a great contract on this show.

Lauren: (Laughs) Thanks, it feels good to laugh.

[Scene: Joey and Michael’s Apartment – Gina, Alex, and Michael]

Gina: All right, let’s set up this taste test.

Alex: Okay, Michael, turn around. I’m gonna mix them up so you can tell which one is whose. (Alex switches the lasagnas around) I, uh, wrote my name on the bottom of mine.

Gina: Well how will we know which one is mine?

Michael: (Turns back around and looks at Gina) That would be the one without Alex’s name on the bottom.

Gina: (Realizing) I hate being the dumbest one in the room! Where’s Joey?

Michael: Let me call him.

(Cut to Joey – Joey answers his phone)

Joey: (On phone) Deep Powder’s Joey Tribbiani.

Lauren: Say it while you can.

Michael: (On phone) Joey, where are you? The taste test is about to start.

Joey: Uh, Lauren, is there any way you can handle this for a few hours while I go and judge a lasagna taste test?

(Lauren scowls at Joey)

Joey: (On phone) Yeah, it’s not looking good. Oh, put your mother on.

Michael: Mom. (Gives Gina the phone)

Gina: (Phone) Hello.

Joey: (Phone) Gina, you’re a crazy woman.

Gina: (Phone) Uh huh.

Joey: (Phone) Okay, I got this high-strung girl who’s locked herself in her dressing room. What should I do?

Gina: (Phone) Well, how much has she had to drink?

Joey: (Phone) She hasn’t had anything.

Gina: (Phone) Well then what are you asking me for?

Joey: (Phone) That’s very helpful, Gina. I gotta go.

Gina: (Phone) Well are you coming to the taste test or not?

Joey: (Phone Well I’m kinda in the middle of something.

Gina: (Phone) You are not coming?

Alex: He’s not coming? (Grabs the phone from Gina) Get over here!

Lauren: Hang up the phone!

Katie: Get away from my door!

Gina: (Phone) What is wrong with you?!

Joey: Take a breath, ladies!! (Hangs up his cell phone)

(Bobbie enters running)

Joey: Bobbie, thank God.

Bobbie: Sorry it took me so long. They’ve been reluctant to let me on the lot since I punched David Caruso.

Lauren: (Coldly) Hello, Bobbie. For a second there I thought the bear had gotten loose.

Bobbie: And I thought I dropped one of my earrings.

Joey: Uh, do you two have some kind of history?

Lauren: We dated the same guy.

Joey: (Laughs) That dude does not have a clear type.

Bobbie: So what’s the problem?

Joey: Katie still won’t come out of her dressing room.

Bobbie: Well don’t you worry. I know how to deal with crazy actors; you just smile and tell them what they wanna hear.

Joey: You think you can help me?

Bobbie: (Smiles) Absolutely! (Walks over to Katie’s door) Katie, it’s Bobbie Morgenstern.

Katie: The agent?

Bobbie: The super agent. Entertainment Weekly’s 12th most powerful woman in Hollywood. (Looks at Lauren and Laughs) 67! (Turns back towards Katie’s door) Now Katie, I know you don’t want to talk to Joey, but if you can just give me a minute, maybe I can help you out here.

(Katie opens the door)

Bobbie: Oh, she’s tiny too. Maybe I could pick you both up and have you talk to each other. (She imitates a puppet show with her hands)

(Bobbie goes into Katie’s dressing room and closes the door behind her. Joey and Lauren stand in an awkward silence)

Joey: So, 67, huh?

Lauren: No small talk.

Joey: Ah.

(Bobbie walks out of Katie’s dressing room)

Bobbie: Great news!

Joey: She’s coming out?

Bobbie: No! I signed her as a client.

Lauren: You did what?

Bobbie: That’s right. My client Katie demands that you fire Joey! (Walks over to Joey) If you fire my client Joey, I’ll destroy you!

(Joey smiles)

Lauren: Isn’t this a conflict of interest?

Bobbie: Oh, no! They’ll send me to agent jail!

(Bobbie leaves – Todd enters again, frantic)

Todd: Lauren, we need to either start shooting or shut down for the day. Should I tell everyone to go home?

Lauren: No, tell everybody to stand by. Oh, I have an idea.

(Todd leaves)

Lauren: She wants to be with you so you have to be unappealing to her!

Joey: Lauren, I don’t think we have that kind of time.

Lauren: I’ll tell you what to say, and you just say it.

Joey: Okay, (Walks over to Katie’s door and knocks, Lauren knocks on the wall) Uh, Katie, I have something to say to you. (Lauren whispers in his ear) I really care about you but there are some thing I have to confess. (Lauren whispers in his ear again) I’m cheap and selfish. (Lauren whispers again) You’ll tell me intimate things and I won’t listen. (Quietly) That’s actually true. (Lauren whispers again) I’m not saying that!

Lauren: Do it!

Joey: (Reluctantly) And I can’t land at your airport ‘cause my plane doesn’t work. (Lauren whispers more in his ear) And if I’m being completely honest, I hate your Chihuahua!

Katie: (Opens her door, holding her Chihuahua) Okay, we’re through. Lauren, I’m ready to do this. (To her dog) Come on Carrie Bradshaw.

Lauren: Okay, we can do this, okay?

Joey: All right, we just gotta get through this scene. Knock on wood.

(Joey knocks on the wall, so does Lauren. Joey continues to knock, so does Lauren)

Joey: (Still knocking) It’s just fun.

Lauren: (Still knocking) Stop it!

[Scene: Joey and Michael’s Apartment – Michael and Alex are standing outside the bathroom door, Joey enters]

Joey: All right! I haven’t had anything to eat since I got in the car. Bring on the lasagna!

Michael: We’ve got a problem, all right? You weren’t here, they wouldn’t wait any longer so I had to choose.

Joey: Oh no, who’s did you pick?

(Alex does Gina’s hip rolls and makes grunting noises)

Michael: So, now Mom’s so upset she locked herself in the bathroom.

(Alex starts her hip rolling and grunting again)

Joey: Should you be in the bathroom?

Michael: So you gotta get her out of there. I can’t do it.

Joey: Oh, I already talked one woman out of a locked room today! She can stay in there as far as I’m concerned.

Michael: She’s flushing the lasagnas down the toilet.

Joey: (Sweet voice) Gina, honey.. come out and talk.

Gina: No. Not until I flush every piece of this lasagna down your toilet.

Joey: Gina.. (Speaks his "fake" Italian)

Gina: (Yells back at him in Italian) Punzo!

Alex: Punzo? She’s a punzo!

Joey: Look, Gina, what do you even care what Michael thinks, huh? He’d rather take a pill than eat your lasagna. Let someone who loves food decide.

Gina: (Pause) So if you pick me, I’m the real winner?

Joey: Yes.

Alex: Yeah, but you won’t get to, ‘cause it ain’t gonna go down like that, biatch!

(Gina comes out of the bathroom, holding the lasagnas)

Gina: Alright, let’s get to the bottom of this.

Michael: Hey, Mom.

Gina: Sleep with one eye open, Michael. One.. eye.. open.

(Gina and Alex go into the kitchen)

Michael: So, are you sure you can pick Mom’s? I can’t have her mad at me.

Joey: Don’t worry, don’t worry. I have never been let down by the old taster. (Touches his finger to his tongue) Hmm… bear?

(Joey and Michael enter the kitchen)

Joey: Alright Michael, watch a master at work. (Joey takes a bite of the lasagna on his right) Mmm. Mmm. (Takes a bite of the other lasagna) Mmmm. (Turns around to look at Michael) Uh oh. (Turns back to the lasagnas, takes another bite of the one on the right) Mmm. I pick that one. That is the best lasagna!

Gina: (Picks up the pan of lasagna to look at the bottom) There’s no name on the bottom. Who the hells is this?! Oh, it’s mine! I win! (Jumps up and down)

Alex: (Depressed) Damnit, I actually thought mine was good. (Takes her lasagna and heads for the back door.

Gina: (Guiltily) Hey, you know what? I tasted some of your lasagna before I flushed it down the toilet. It was good.

Alex: Aww, thanks.

Gina: And, you’re a terrible winner. (Alex looks sad) Which I really respect!

(Gina and Alex go outside)

Michael: Thank God you picked Mom’s. You know, it’s incredible that your tongue can do that. They tasted exactly the same to me.

Joey: Me too.

Michael: (Confused) Then why were you so confident?

Joey: Because I got the piece with her hair in it.

[Scene: Lauren’s Office – Joey knocks on the door, Lauren knocks on the table]

Lauren: Come in.

Joey: Uh, you wanted to see me.

Lauren: Oh, yeah, since you’re going to be working with a lot of actresses, I just wanted to make sure that you learned your lesson about dating people on the set.

Joey: Yeah, I really did. It will never happen again. But, just to be safe, cast some ugly women.

Lauren: No, Joey. If this show doesn’t have good looking actors, we don’t have anything.

Joey: Hey, uh, Lauren, look. I know I was a problem yesterday but I just wanted to say it was really cool working together. You know, you telling me the right thing to say - me saying it.

Lauren: We make a good team.

Joey: Yeah.

Lauren: You know, this may sound crazy, but I was just wondering - do you maybe wanna do something sometime?

Joey: Is this a test?

Lauren: Yes.

Joey: What should I say? (Lauren whispers in his ear) Look Lauren, you are a beautiful, brilliant woman but it wouldn’t be right. We work together.

(Joey whispers in Lauren’s ear)

Lauren: That’s a shame Joey, ‘cause I want you so bad.

Joey: Eh, what are you gonna do? (Winks and leaves)

[End]

Voir la fiche épisode, le script V.O. et le script V.F.