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Voir la fiche épisode, le script V.O. et le script V.F.

[Scene : An airport. A plane is landing. Then we see Joey getting on a taxi.]

Taxi Driver: Where am I taking you?

Joey: Oh yeah, I gotta get some place. It's my sister's place. She was supposed to take me up but she's... (He searches his bag while talking, then stops.) kind of nut all there, you know. (Joey looks trough the window. Time lapses.)

Taxi Driver: The address?

Joey: Right, right, right.

Taxi Driver: So you're here visiting family?

Joey: Well, no, I'm an actor. I've been in New York but I got an offer to work in L.A. and I think it's time for me to take my shot. Kind of scary, I mean... I left my whole life behind but I think it's a smart move, you know, if you wanna make it as an actor, you gotta move to L.A., to Hollywood !

Taxi Driver: So what are you doing here in Dallas?

Joey: (thinks for a while, the realizes) I did have a lay over in Dallas! (They both mimics to go back to the airport.)

Opening Credits

[Scene: An airport. A plane his landing. Joey is coming out of the plane. He is worried, he looks right an left till he sees a sign “Welcome to Los Angeles”.]

Joey: Oh thank God !

Gina: Oh my God, Joey !

Joey: Hey Gina !

Gina: My brother, the star. (Talking to a guy) Days Of Our Lives !

Joey: Not any more !

Gina: Formerly !

Joey: Good to see you.

Gina: I know, I missed you so much.

Joey: Wait a second, wait a second ! You look different !

Gina: I forgot ! You haven't seen 'em. (Opening her vest. Joey looks “Whoa”.) What do you think ? They're new ! I went up 3 cup sizes. The doctor was reluctant ! Come on, touch 'em.

Joey: (embarrassed) Let's get my bag. I'll feel you up in the car, I promise.

Gina: Tell me about the big new job.

Joey: It all started when I got this new agent. This lady is a shark. And that means she's a good agent, not an actual shark.

Gina: I know that.

Joey: (Being Joey) Yeah, I did too. Anyway, she got me offers from 2 new shows.

Gina: (very excited) Wow ! What are they ?

Joey: Well, the first one is about a bunch of male nurses and I wasn't really crazy about that one. I mean I've already been a brain surgeon. I don't think my fans would buy me as a nurse.

Gina: They bought you as a brain surgeon, they're pretty understanding (She touches his shoulder).

Joey: Doesn't matter, okay ? Because the other show... it's about a cop and I'm the star. Also, it's for cable so there's a combination of nudity and swearing that I find intriguing.

Gina: I am so proud of you ! (They hug). So, how many bags we're looking for ?

Joey: Just one, the rest of my stuff is on a moving truck and I gave them your number, the company's called "Movers and Shakers". They cost a little more but... (starting to laugh) that name cracks me up. (Pointing a bag) Oh wait, that was my bag.

Gina: It's okay, hold on. (She bends and readjusts her vest to exploit her new boobs). Sir, could you grab that bag ? (The man smiles and goes for it.) Thank you !

Joey: They do get things done.

[Scene: Joey’s new place. He enters with Gina into a central yard, where people are sun bathing. There’s also a pool.]

Joey: Wow ! I think I like L.A. !

Gina: I thought you and Chandler should have moved out a long time ago. It’s a very vibrant gay scene.

Joey: Chandler and I are not a gay couple ! (To the guy next to him who his looking at him) Hi !

Gina: Hey ! This is it ! You're new home ! (They enter)

Joey: Oh my God !

Gina: Yeah ?

Joey: Yeah ! Gina, thank you for finding this. I love it !

Gina: Good because if you didn't I was gonna lie and tell you Tom Cruise used to live here.

Joey: (totally buying it) Tom Cruise lived here ?

Gina: (ironic) Sure he did, honey ! Let me show you the best part ! (She goes out, on a terrace) Check this out ! (She climbs on a small balcony). Sit up here and lean back. (Joey does so.) Look over there.

Joey: Is that the middle of the Hollywood sign ?

Gina: That is the “ollywoo” sign.

Joey: (screaming) I can see the ollywoo sign ! (He looks down) And into that woman's bathroom ! And now she sees me looking ! Hi neighbor !

(Joey gets up, turns toward his new house and stops. He looks a little bit sad.)

Gina: What's the matter ?

Joey: I just... I can't believe I'm here, you know. It doesn't... It doesn't feel real. (Gina smiles and hugs him). (Joey, talking about her boobs). And neither do those.

(Gina’s cell phone rings. She answers.)

Gina: Gina Tribbiani, hairdresser to the stars.

Joey: Stars ?

Gina: (to Joey) It sounds better than hairdresser to mostly Dominicans firms. (On the phone) Yeah, honey. Come on up. (She hangs up. To Joey) It's my Michael. He's parking.

Joey: Say, what is Michael now ? 20 ?

Gina: Yeah, don't I look incredible for the mother of an adult son ? It's the good thing about having a kid so young.

Joey: You rarely hear the argument for a teen pregnancy.

Gina: Michael is so excited to see you again. Oh and by the way, told him I had him when I was 22. I don't want him to think his mother is a tramp.

(When he hears this, Joey closes Gina’s vest. Michael enters.)

Michael: Uncle Joey !

Joey: Hey ! Wow ! Man ! (They hug) I still think of you as a little kid ! So much for these wings I picked up on the airplane.

Michael: Oh no ! I'll still take them.

Joey: (whispers) I was just gonna show them to you...(He’s disappointed…)

Gina: Tell your uncle Joey what you've been up to lately !

Michael: Well, now that college's done. I'm just doing some grad work over Caltech center for simulation of dynamic response materials.

(Joey makes his face, you know, he doesn’t understand but still thinks it’s great.)

Gina: Can you believe he came out of me ?

Michael: Actually, right now, we're designing a mock-up for an escape module for the international space station.

Joey: (mocking at Michael) What are you ? A rocket scientist ?

Michael: Yes.

Joey: Oh. So how do you like living at school ?

Michael: Oh no, I still live with mom.

Joey: (making fun of him again) Oh man ! (Then changing) That is nice !

Gina: Shut up ! We have fun. Tell him we have fun !

Michael: We do have fun. We have a lot in common than most moms and sons 'cause she had me when she was just 22, so ?

Joey: Yeah, 22, yeah. That's why we had to change churches. (Gina gives him a bad look. She goes to the kitchen.)

Gina: Michael, where's the lasagna ?

Michael: I left it in the car.

Gina: I'll get it. I'll get it. Look at that ! So much going on up here he can't remember lasagna.

Joey: We are different you and me ! So, come on ! What else is going on ?

Michael: Well, actually, I'm thinking about moving out.

Joey: Oh yeah, where ?

Michael: Here with you. (Joey is surprised.)

Joey: What ?

Michael: I'm 20 years old, man. I shouldn't be living with my mom. Everyone at school makes fun of me. And it's not like these are the cool kids, they're not quarterbacks... engineers !

Joey: But why do you wanna live with me ?

Michael: Well, huh, this may not be a big selling point but I have no money for rent. (Joey understands quite well the point.) And I mean, and also you're my cool uncle Joey, you know. Living with you, that would just... you know.

Joey: (seriously) Yeah... Break your mother's heart.

Michael: I know... I know. But it's... I mean... It's gonna happen some time. I just have to get out of there. Have you seen her breast ?

Joey: She made me touch 'em !

[Scene: Joey’s place. He is on the terrace, sitting on the balcony and leaning back… A woman gets out the house next door.]

Woman: Hi !

(Joey is surprised and falls back. He gets up again quickly.)

Joey: Actually not that big of a drop !

Woman: I'm sorry. I'm Allison. I live next door (They shake hands.)

Joey: Really ? I'm Joey. I've just moved in. Say, I was about to eat. You want some ? I've got homemade lasagna.

Allison: It's 7:30 in the morning.

Joey: I'm still on New York time.

Allison: So you eat lasagna at 10:30 ?

Joey: No, I eat lasagna at 7:30 but it seemed like a big deal to you so...

Allison: So, you're from New York ?

Joey: Yeah, yeah. You see... I'm an actor.

Allison: (making fun at him) Oh that's so cute. You think it's a big deal to be an actor; Everyone here is an actor.

Joey: What ?

Allison: (Pointing the apartment next to Joey’s) That guy in that apartment... actor ! (Pointing another) Actor ! (and so on) Actor ! (Pointing the apartment just over her place) Porn actor !

Joey: Really ?

Allison: Yeah. He lives above me. He's not the best.

Joey: I'm actually a very serious actor, you know. (He starts acting) “Romeo ! Oh Romeo ! Wherefore art thou Romeo ?” (He stops.) That was Romeo.

Allison: Actually that was Juliet.

Joey: What ?

Allison: Romeo wouldn't have started a speech with "Romeo ! Romeo !"

Joey: (got vexed) I've done that for like a million auditions ! (He goes back into his apartment.)

[Scene: On the set of Joey’s new show.]

Assistant: Blue walls. Scene C. Take 2.

Director: And... action !

(Joey’s playing a cop. He’s wearing a white T-shirt and a gun across the shoulders. He catches a man, knocks him over and hits him. Fake blood splashes Joey’s face and his shirt.)

Director: And... cut !

(Joey goes to Gina and Michael who are there. His shirt his red with fake blood. He’s quite proud of himself.)

Gina: I can't believe I'm on a set ! I think like I could be networking. Let me go talk to the director.

Joey: (wipes the fake blood off his face) (To Michael) Must be pretty cool seeing your uncle starting his own show, huh ?

Michael: Not as cool as it would be seeing my roommate starting his own show.

Joey: Michael, about us living... Come on ! I don't think it's a good idea.

Michael: Why not ?

Joey: I don't wanna get between you and your mom, alright ? I can't have her mad at me. When we were kids, she used to torture me. She hit me all the time. She used to hold me down and force me to say "I am gay for David Cassidy".

Michael: Who's that ?

Joey: David Cassidy from The Partridge Family. Really good looking... (stops…) The point is... I don't want her mad at me, okay ? I'm sorry.

Michael: It's okay? I understand.

Joey: All right. Good.

Gina: (comes back) You are not gonna believe this ! The director thought I was an actress !

Joey: Sure, that's because you got big fake boobs and you're crazy !

[Scene: Joey’s apartment. Gina and Joey are sun bathing next to the pool.]

Joey: I love it out here ! Sunny and 72° everyday ! Wonder what it's like in New York.

Gina: (She’s reading the paper.) 71.

Joey: Poor bastards !

(Allison enters the yard.)

Allison: Joey ! Hey !

Joey: Hey Allison ! Allison, this is my sister Gina. Allison lives here next door. (They shake hands).

Allison: Hi !

Gina: Hey ! You have very beautiful hair.

Allison: Thank you very much.

Gina: If you ever wanna sell it, give me a call (She gives her a visiting card.)

Allison: (weird) Thanks.

Joey: (To her sister) I liked that girl, okay ? Don't be trying to buy her hair ! She could be the future Mrs. Joey Tribbiani. Or at the very least the future... awkward situation. (His cell phone rings) It's my agent, the shark. (On the phone) Hello ! Hi Bobby ! Right ! And ? (listen) What ? Why ? (listen) Yeah. Okay. Bye. (He hangs up. To Gina) My show was dead. It's not even gonna air.

Gina: Oh my god ! Did they say why ?

Joey: People thought it was disgusting ! Geez ! You defecate on one corpse !

Gina: Oh honey. I am so sorry.

Joey: I can't believe this. How can I go from having two shows to... having nothing !

Gina: You think you should have done the other show ? The nurses thing ?

Joey: Oh no way ! I mean my thing didn't go but believe me no one is gonna watch a show about nurses.

[Scene: A TV screen. A journalist is talking about the famous “Nurses Show”.]

Journalist: I'm here with Sam Baxter, one of the nurses on the new hit show RN. And, Sam, I'm told that you weren't the first choice for this role.

Sam: Well, that's right actually. The producers originally the role to someone else. An actor by the name of Joey Tribani.

Journalist: Well, wherever he is, I bet you Joey Tribani... is kicking himself.

[The camera turns to Joey, Gina and Michael, eating and watching TV.]

Joey: Tribbiani ! Joey Tribbiani is kicking himself (He gets up, and gives himself a kick on the butt.)

[Scene: Joey’s place. Joey comes in. Michael is there.]

Joey: Hey ! What are you doing here ?

Michael: I don't know, mom told me you'd be clearing out your dressing room today. So I figured I'd come by and cheer you up.

Joey: What are you cooking ?

Michael: Spaghetti and meatballs. It's grandma's recipe. It always makes me feel better. Mom made it for me this one time... this one time I got a B.

Joey: I got a B once... cheated my ass off.

Michael: So was today hard ?

Joey: Yeah, I can't believe it. A week ago, I was a star of a show and now I'm the guy who turned down "nurses". Which is strange because in real life, I would never turn down a nurse.

Michael: So what do you do now ? (While talking, he prepares a plate of Spaghetti for Joey.)

Joey: I'm meeting with my agent later to try to figure out some kind of game plan.

Michael: Hey ! They're making a new Indiana Jones movie. Maybe you can... turn that down.

Joey: Feeling more comfortable around your uncle Joey ? (About the Spaghetti) This is really nice. Thanks for doing this.

Michael: You know, if you let me be you're roommate, you could have this like everyday.

Joey: Michael, look. You're a great kid and I would love to have you as my roommate but your mother will flip out. I mean... (He tastes the Spaghetti) You're in ! (Michael is very happy. He tries to pick up a meatball from Joey’s plate. Joey screams…) No ! No ! No ! No !

[Scene: The office of Joey’s agent. He enters.]

The agent: Oh hey Joey ! Have a sit, doll !

Joey: Thanks for seeing me. Listen... I know we blew it by turning down that nurses thing but I gotta believe there is something bigger or me right around the corner.

The agent: Listen... You are living in a dream world.

Joey: Excuse me ?

The agent: That nurses show is huge ! Everyone involved in it is gonna become insanely rich and is gonna haunt you for the rest of your life. But my job is to keep up your moral.

Joey: I do feel better.

The agent: Look... I'm a straight shooter but I'll tell you something else about me: I am the best ! There is nothing that I wouldn't do for you. I would... throw on a meat skirt and wrestle a lion ! I would pull off my own ears and eat them !

Joey: That's... gross !

The agent: I'm gonna get you through this. Next year, I am gonna find you a show that'll blow this nurses thing right out of the... What the hell am I saying ? Nothing's gonna top that !

Joey: Hold on. Next year ? No, no, no ! I need to get something now !

The agent: Well, I've got nothing ! Zilch ! Zero ! Nada !

Joey: There's gotta be something !

The agent: Well, they do need a host for this new entertainment show. It's not really acting but it may work since you have such a tremendous head !

Joey: (touching his head) I do ?

The agent: Oh come on ! We don't have time for this ! (She writes the address on a paper then gives it to Joey.)

Joey: Thanks Bobby ! Thank you !

The agent: (laughing) Looks like you got a big barrel on your shoulders !

[Scene: Joey’s place. Gina enters.]

Joey: Gina! Where have you been ? My audition is in half an hour !

Gina: Sorry, I'll give you a little trim. It'll take two minutes (She gives him a towel that he puts around his neck.)

Joey: Any sign of my stuff ? Have the movers called ?

Gina: No.

Joey: Stupid Movers and Shakers ! (He starts laughing) I can't be mad at those guys ! Hey do me a favor. See if you can make my head look a little bit smaller.

Gina: (She starts but stops.) I can't do this. I'm too upset.

Joey: What's the matter ?

Gina: Michael said he was moving out.

Joey: (doing as if he doesn’t know) Did he say who he was moving in with ?

Gina: No, why ?

Joey: Uh... no reason... But you know if you think about it, Gina, this could be a good thing. You could have more time for your hairdressing.

Gina: Oh please ! No much of a hairdresser anyway ! I only started cutting hair because Channel 5 exposed me as this Southland most dangerous dental technician.

Joey: That was some damning footage.

Gina: I just don't know what I'm gonna do without him. He's my baby !

Joey: Hey come on !

Gina: No, really. I don't have much to be proud of. But him, I did right. (Her cell phone rings) I gotta take this. (On the phone) What ? Yeah. I've got a lead on some blond hair. And some good straight stuff. (She leaves the room.)

(Michael enters.)

Michael: Okay, we got a big problem. I just told mom I was moving out. She went crazy. I don't know what she's gonna do when she hears I'm moving with you.

(Gina had just hang up and come back to the room.)

Joey: Well, let's find out.

Michael: Why didn't you tell me she was here?

Joey: You couldn't tell I was getting a haircut ? You think I just walk around my apartment in a cape (pointing the towel)?

Gina: (To Joey) He's gonna live here ? Are you kidding me ?

Michael: Mom, look. This was my idea.

Joey: That's true.

Gina: Sure, I bet you landed and right away he begged you: "Please get me away from my mother !"

(Joey and Michael don’t know what to say exactly.)

Gina: I cannot believe you would do this to me.

Joey: Gina... (She takes her purse.)

Michael: Mom...

Joey: Gina, wait a... (She goes toward the door.)

Michael: Mom !

Joey: Gina... (She’s gone.)

Michael: Oh my god !

Joey: I know. I know... (looking at the towel around his neck.) I could eat a really big lobster in this.

[Scene: A set.]

Assistant: Okay, Joey. The audition is very simple. Three cameras. Each one has a teleprompter beneath the lens and a red light on top. Whichever red light is lit, that's the camera you address. The producer is watching from that monitor.

Joey: Geez ! Is that a man or a woman ?

Assistant: And your mike.

Joey: Okay. Let's do this.

Assistant: We have a roll. Joey Tribbiani audition in 5.. 4... 3...

Joey: Welcome to Hollywood minute. I'm name. (He realizes he should have say his actual name.) Can I start again ?

Assistant: Whenever you're ready.

Joey: Okay. Welcome to Hollywood minute. I'm Joey Tribbiani and here are today's top stories. (He doesn’t address the right camera.) Well, even though she's on vacation,...

Assistant: Cut ! Joey. You didn't switch cameras.

Joey: Oh ! Did the light change ?

Assistant: Yeah. Even though you're reading, you need to be aware of when the light changes.

Joey: That's really the best way to do this ?

Assistant: Okay, let's try it again in 5... 4... 3

Joey: Welcome to Hollywood minute. I'm Joey Tribbiani and here are today's top stories.

(He switches camera, but not to the right one.) Well, even though she's on vacation, Jennifer Lopez is in the news today. (He turns to the right camera when he realizes.) More on that story later. But first, let's check out the box office returns for this weekend. (Again the wrong camera) Topping the list for the third week in a row... Man ! That is one fast red light ! (He searches the right camera.) Topping the list... (again) Topping the list... (and again) I know it's not that one. Where the hell is it ?

Assistant: Okay, Joey. Thanks for coming.

Joey: No, no, no. I'm getting the hang of it. Please, Mr. or Mrs. producer. I need this job. I can do this.

Assistant: You're looking at the wrong camera.

Joey: Damn it ! (He starts again with Romeo.) Romeo ! Oh Romeo !

[Scene: Joey’s place. Joey enters the yard. Allison comes.]

Allison: Hey !

Joey: Hey !

Allison: What's wrong ?

Joey: I... I just blew an audition to host this stupid entertainment show.

Allison: Is that even acting ?

Joey: No ! It's just following a really fast red light.

Allison: Look, don't get discouraged. I have a friend that got rejected from like a million different things. And he just got a part in that new nurses show. Well, I hope you get the next thing. You seem like a nice guy.

Joey: Thanks. (She starts leaving.) Say, Allison. Would you wanna maybe go and grab a bite to eat ?

Allison: Sounds nice. Can't. I've gotta go to the airport and pick up my husband.

Joey: Oh... You're married ?

Allison: You didn't see the ring ?

Joey: Yeah, I saw a ring but it's not on your left hand.

Allison: (showing her left hand) Yeah, it is.

Joey: If you say so. (She leaves.)

(Joey enters. Michael is there.)

Joey: Hey ! Did you know that girl next door is married ?

Michael: I can't talk to that girl, she... she makes my stutter come back. Can I talk to you ?

Joey: Look, Michael, if we’re gonna be roommates, you should know there are gonna be times when I'm not gonna wanna talk, I'm just gonna wanna eat the spaghetti you made for me.

Michael: Well, actually, I'm not gonna be your roommate.

Joey: What ? Why ?

Michael: I don't know... I talked it over with my mom and she is...

Joey: Oh Michael ! Don't listen to her ! (Gina enters the room at the same time.) She's a selfish, crazy... Okay, we need a signal for when she's here.

Gina: Come on, Michael. We're leaving.

Joey: Gina, this is nuts. He's a man, okay ? He's graduated college. He shaves. He sleeps with women.

Michael: I... I do shave.

Joey: Come on ! You have to let him go !

Gin: Oh yeah ? (She’s pulling Joey’s ear.)

Joey: (screaming) You can hurt me all you want, he's gonna move out some time.

Gina: Not if I can help it.

Joey: Look, Gina, I know he's your baby but it's time to move on. Change can be good.

Gina: Oh it's easy for you to say !

Joey: No, it's not ! No ! Look... Nobody understands wanting things to stay the same like I do. I was happy in New York. Okay ? And I tried really hard to keep things from changing. But everyone else got married and had kids... and moved on. They all changed. So... I'm giving change a shot. And it has been hard. But… just hoping things stay the same... it doesn't work.

Gina: You're smarter than you used to be.

Joey: I don't know where that came from.

Gina: (To Michael) You know he's a slob, right ? You know how you like everything nice and clean and in its own little place. There's gonna be sauce on everything you own.

Joey: I don't know how it happens.

Michael: Mom, that's okay. (Gina looks at Joey. He winks at her.)

Gina: (To Michael) If this is really what you want...

Michael: Thank you, mom. Thank you.

Gina: (Michael and her hug.) I'm just gonna miss you. That's all. It's been the two of us for such a long time.

Joey: Well, now it's the three of us. (He wants to join the hug but Gina rebuffs him.)

Gina: You gave your speech... Enough! (To Michael) You sure you're gonna be okay ?

Joey: Gina, he's gonna be fine ! He's old enough to move out ! You were raising a kid when you were 16 ! (Gina stares at him.)

Michael: How did I not figure that out ? I mean... I took calculus when I was 8 !

Gina: (To Joey) You're dead.

Joey: Gina, back off. I don't wanna hurt you.

Gina: Oh yeah ? (She pulls his ear again.)

Joey: I'm gay for David Cassidy !

The end

Voir la fiche épisode, le script V.O. et le script V.F.

[Scene : Joey’s House]

Joey: (Gets out the milk and then goes to get the cereal, but the box is empty) Agh.(Looks at the potato chips) Ooo. Disgusting? Or wonderful?

Michael: Hey.

Joey: Morning roomie. So, tell me about last night.

Michael: What about it?

Joey: I heard a girl’s voice coming from your bedroom.

Michael: Oh, uh, yeah I don’t really wanna talk about that.

Joey: Come on, Stud!

Michael: Shhh.

Joey: Ooo, is she still here? Wow, somebody’s really taking to the bachelor life. (Puts his hand up for a high five)

[Gina walks out of Michael’s bedroom]

Michael: (High fives Joey) Yeah.

Gina: Good morning, Joey.

Joey: You spent the night in his room? (To Michael)Please tell me she didn’t sleep in your bed!

Gina: I slept on the floor. Don’t worry. Not everyone wants to kill their daddy and marry their mommy, like you.

Joey: That was one drawing I did! What are you doing here?

Gina: Well at 2 in the morning I realized Michael didn’t have his white noise machine, so I brought it over. He can’t sleep without his sounds of the jungle.

Joey: That’s why I dreamt I was being attacked by monkeys!

Michael: Wait a minute. If Joey didn’t let you in, how did you get in last night, Mom?

Gina: I let myself in.

Joey: You have a key? Gina: Yes, I made one for emergencies. When you turned down that hit show, it was a very dark time for you. I thought you might do something drastic.

Joey: I wasn’t gonna kill myself.

Gina: Really? You didn’t even think about it?

Michael: Mom, maybe you shouldn’t have a key. I mean, the whole reason for this move was so that I could have some independence.

Joey: Yeah, and I don’t know how comfortable I am with you just coming over whenever you want. What if I have a girl over?

Michael: Yeah, what if I have one?

Joey: Will you stop being silly, we’re trying to have a conversation.

Gina: Fine, if it’s such a big deal, you can have the stupid key back. (Hands the key to Joey)

Joey: That was too easy. You have another one.

Gina: Good job Nancy Drew! Here. (Hands Joey another key)

Joey: How many more do you have?

Gina: We could do this all day.

[Opening Credits]

[Scene : Outside Joey’s House]

Joey: Hey, Alex.

Alex: Hey.

Joey: Look at you all dressed for work. You know, I played a lawyer once. Yeah. I object! No further questions! How can this be a jury of his peers, when five of the jurors are androids?

Alex: (Laughs) So, the movie’s in the future?

Joey: No. No, this was like three years ago.

Alex: Oh, my. Say, I hate to bother you with this, but my husband’s out of town and normally I would ask him, but what do you think looks better with this? Hair down or hair up?

Joey: Uhh, definitely up. Your hair is nice, but I like it better back so that I can see your face.

Alex: (Blushes) Ohh..

Joey: Yeah, I played a husband once too.

Alex: (Laughs) Okay, thanks. See ya.

Joey: Okay, right. Oh my God, another one of these.

Alex: What?

Joey: A note from the super. “No unsanctioned grills allowed. Please remove your grill from the patio. I can’t believe this. How am I supposed to make a hamburger?

Alex: Well, you could use a frying pan.

Joey: Oh, don’t. Just-just don’t. Does everybody get these notes?

Alex: Yeah. Yeah, the super’s kind of a hard-ass.

Joey: Oh. Do you get a lot of notes?

Alex: Me? No. But I don’t do anything wrong. I’m kind of a good girl.

Joey: Oh. I wonder if Mr. Alex would tell me the same thing. (Alex looks awkward) Maybe I wait a few days before making sex jokes with you.

Alex: Yeah, and maybe you don’t even do it then.

Joey: Okay.

Alex: Okay.

[Joey walks inside his house]

Joey: Gina! I haven’t seen you in minutes.

Gina: Don’t worry, I’m just about to leave. I’m not gonna bother you. (Yelling at Michael) Michael! Your snack is ready!

Michael: (Yelling from another room) In a minute! I’m in the middle of something!

Gina: (Yelling) Well, hurry up! I gotta get going!

Joey: (Yelling) I’m so glad I moved out here!

[Michael Enters]

Gina: Here’s your snack, baby. I gotta get back to the salon. Ooh, an hour and a half under the hair dryer. I hope someone’s not dead!

[Gina Leaves]

Michael: Can you believe her? She’s here all the time.

Joey: Yeah, well, she loves you.

Michael: Yeah, but it doesn’t even feel like I moved out. I thought living with you, we’d have this crazy single life. Ya know, with the two of us out meeting girls. I mean, I know how you are with women.

Joey: You do?

Michael: Sure, it’s the first memory I have of you. We came to New York for this big family party. All te girl cousins flocked to you. I mean, I know nothing ever would happen with them.

Joey: No, not even once before I knew that was wrong!

Michael: I guess I just thought if I lived with you, then I’d have a chance to learn a few things, you know?

Joey: Aww..

Michael: What?

Joey: That’s really sweet. You want to learn stuff from your uncle.

Michael: Well, yeah.

Joey: That’s new for me, you know. I’ve never been the one to teach someone something. I was always the one who –No, never learned anything either.

Michael: So are you up to it?

Joey: Yeah, yeah, absolutely. You came to the right guy. I have so much knowledge to give. I mean, you don’t have a dad around, and I don’t have any sons (Knocks on the table) So, we can go to a bar tomorrow night.

Michael: Cool. I’ve never done that before.

Joey: You’ll have a blast. I remember the first time I went to a bar and hit on girls.

Michael: Were you my age?

Joey: Close to it.

Michael: What, like eighteen?

Joey: Eleven.

[Scene : Joey in the hot tub outside his house. Joey is pretending his feet are people talking to each other.]

Joey: (In a high pitched voice) Ooh, I feel so lonely. (Deep Voice) Well, hello, handsome.

[Michael Enters]

Michael: Joey.

Joey: Hey, how was school?

Michael: Great. How was…what you do?

Joey: For you information, I had a really big audition today.

Michael: Oh, yeah? How’d it go?

Joey: I don’t know. I got lost.

Michael: You got some more notes from the super. (Shows Joey the notes)

Joey: Oh man, this guy will not leave me alone! (Reading from the notes) “Wet towels cannot be left in the courtyard.” Uh, yeah they can, I did it. “Underwear is not appropriate hot tub attire.” Why not?

Michael: Uh, maybe because when it’s wet, it’s see-through.

Joey: (Looks down) Hey, hey, how ‘bout that?

[Alex Enters]

Alex: Hey.

Joey: Hey.

Alex: Hey, I know that you were upset about your grill, so I made you a list of places around that make good burgers, and also, a couple of my favorite restaurants. (Hands him the note) And, there’s your pee-pee.

Joey: This is great. Hey, thanks for doing this. Say, Alex, have you met my nephew Michael?

Alex: Not officially, no. (Shakes Michael’s hand) It’s nice to meet you Michael.

Michael: Yeah, golly, yeah. Uh, hi, wow.

Alex: That’s..clammy.

[Alex Leaves]

Joey: Why don’t you save some of that magic for tonight? Hwy, you know any of these places? (Hands Michael the list)

Michael: Umm..this is weird.

Joey: What?

Michael: (Picks up one of the super’s note) The handwriting on this list looks a lot like the handwriting on the notes from the super. Check it out. It’s the same. You know what this means?

Joey: Alex and the super had the same handwriting teacher!

Michael: Uh, or…

Joey: Alex is the super! Or..Alex and the super have a secret-

Michael: No, no. You had it.

Joey: Wait a second. Wait a second. If Alex is the super, that means she lied to me. That sucks.

Michael: The same handwriting teacher. (Laughs)

Joey: (Imitating Michael) Uh, golly. Hi. Gee. Wow.

[Scene : Joey’s House]

Joey: God, it took you forever to get ready.

Michael: Just like an hour and a half. It usually takes Mom like two hours.

Joey: That is because she is a woman. Something which you are not.

Michael: Well, you look really nice.

Joey: I am also not a woman. We don’t do that! But thanks –Okay come on, let’s go!

Michael: Great, let me just make sure I’ve got everything. I’ve got some money. I got my fake ID..

Joey: Ah..

Michael: Yeah, these are cool. Some guys at Cal Tech made these. They’re impossible to tell apart from the real thing. But, I did have a little fun with it. Check out the name. (Shows Joey)

Joey: Neils Bohr?

Michael: The famous physicist. He developed the-

Joey: No thanks, nope. Look, uh, Michael, as your teacher, I feel like we should talk a little bit about your rap. Okay? Now, we have to take your greatest weakness, your intelligence, and turn that into a strength, okay? Now, what kind of stuff are you smart about?

Michael: Uh, I know physics.

Joey: No. Next.

Michael: Uh, I enjoy cubing.

Joey: What’s cubing?

Michael: That’s when people share different strategies to solve Rubik’s cubes.

Joey: Ehh. Next.

Michael: Uh, also, speed cubing.

Joey: Ehh! Ehh! Ehh! Next!

Michael: Uh, I’m pretty knowledgeable about astronomy.

Joey: That’s like, stars?

Michael: Right.

Joey: Yeah, okay. Yeah, that could work. Yah, yeah, okay. You take a girl outside. You show her the stars, very romantic. Maybe it gets a little chilly. You slip your arm around her. (Puts his arm around Michael)

Michael: You’re starting to feel like another teacher I had. Uh, he got fired.

Joey: All right! Are you ready?

Michael: Yes.

Joey: Let’s go.

[They turn to leave when they hear a knock on the door]

Gina: (From Outside) Hey guys, it’s me.

Michael: What are we going to do? She’s gonna want to come with us.

Joey: Pretend we’re not here.

Gina: (Looks through the window and sees them) Hey. Don’t make me use my key!

Joey: (Opens the door) Hey.

Gina: Hey. Look at you two all dressed up. Where are we going?

Joey: Uh..nowhere. Nowhere. We’re just hanging out.

Michael: Just a quiet night at home, Mom.

Gina: Well I know you’re going out, Michael. You got your shoulder pads on.

Joey: (To Michael) You’re not a woman from the 80’s.

[Michael takes out his shoulder pads]

Gina: So, what’s going on?

Joey: Well, we were gonna go to this bar down the street.

Gina: Sounds like fun, I’m in.

Michael: Uhh, yeah, I don’t know. I’m not sure you should come, Mom. We were maybe thinking of, you know, talking to some girls.

Gina: (Putting on lipstick) Oh, then you definitely want me there. I happen to be a great wingman. (To Joey) Remember when I hooked you up with cousin Marie?

Joey: Yeah, thanks a lot. You know how many Hail Marys I had to say for that?!

Gina: Come on, let’s go. This is gonna be fun, the three of us out together.

Michael: You know, I really think it might be better for the two of us to do this alone.

Gina: Oh. Okay, I understand.

Michael: No, well, just for tonight. We can all do something tomorrow.

Joey: Yeah.

Gina: No, that’s fine, really. I mean, if you want it to be just the two of you, then I think you should do that.

Michael: Mom..

[Gina Leaves]

Michael: I feel terrible.

Gina: I know. I know. I forget how sensitive she can be. (Looks at Gina making vulgar gestures through the window) And classy.

[Scene : Michael and Joey at the bar]

Joey: (Talking to some girl) Alright, great. I’ll give you a call. (Walks back over to Michael) And that is how it’s done.

Michael: Wow, you got her number. That girl was gorgeous.

Joey: Yeah, she lives in Long Beach. Where’s that?

Michael: Uh, you take the 10 to the 405 to the 710-

Joey: Sorry Betty, it’s not meant to be.

Michael: So, how are the girls from LA compared to the girls from New York?

Joey: Uh, well, it’s a little early. I don’t want to jinx it but they may be trashier. All right, now, the first thing you want to do is find someone your attracted to right? You see anyone you like?

Michael: Well, the lady bartender’s certainly attractive.

Joey: Oh, good eye. Good eye. No chance. Bartenders get hit on constantly, so there’s a very high level of difficulty. You might want to start with that sorority girl over there whose friends are carrying her to the bathroom.

Michael: I don’t think so. She doesn’t look very smart.

Joey: Oh no, maybe you won’t co-author a book together.

Michael: That girl. (Points) She looks interesting.

Joey: Great. Okay, go talk to her.

Michael: Alright here we go. (Adjusts his shoulder pads)

Joey: You put ‘em back in?

Michael: Maybe someone here wants a woman from the eighties!

[Michael goes to walk over to the girl, but he is stopped by a security guard.]

Security: Sorry, we got an anonymous call that you’re underage. We’re gonna have to ask you to leave.

Michael: You got a call about me?

Security: Well the woman said to look for the handsome genius accompanied by the Tony Danza general.

Joey: Gina!

Michael: I can’t believe this!

Security: Come on, let’s go.

Michael: I was just about to score.

Joey: (To the Security Guard) Hey, you really think I look like Tony Danza? (The guard shrugs) Hey, good enough, come on.

[Scene : Joey’s House. Gina is already there.]

Gina: Hey guys, are all the girls you picked up coming separately?

Michael: I can’t believe you! You called the bar! Why?

Gina: Why? Because you shouldn’t have been there. I never drank alcohol before I was 21.

Joey: (Laughs but Gina glares at him) She’s right, yeah.

Michael: I just, I can’t..nevermind. (Starts to leave, but Joey stops him)

Joey: No, no, no, Michael. You’re upset. You tell your mother how you feel.

Michael: It’s just, okay, I wanted some time away from you, and I don’t think that’s too much to ask. You ruined my night, Mom, and Joey’s. And that’s selfish.

Joey: Good, good. You’re getting it out. What else? What else?

Michael: I hate that you made me take flute lessons!

Joey: Uh, okay, we’re going a little wide now. Let’s bring it back. Bring it back.

Michael: I just, I can’t believe you couldn’t give me on night on my own.

Gina: Look, I’m sorry. But you have to understand, you abandoning me is my worst nightmare.

Joey: Then you haven’t had my monkey dream.

Gina: I was afraid when you moved out that you wouldn’t want me to be a part of your life anymore, and it would just be the two of you going out and having fun without me. And now, that’s what’s happening!

Joey: Hey Gina, come on, now..

Gina: Well, I just don’t understand why I can’t come too. Aren’t I a fun mom? Didn’t I buy a case of beer for you and your friends on your eighteenth birthday?

Michael: Yeah. Then you drank it yourself, and heckled us while we played Trivial Pursuit.

Gina: Come on, just give me a chance! Let’s try it one night. It’ll be an expiriment, like the thing you put in the fridge, that Joey ate.

Joey: Delicious!

Michael: Okay, I guess we could try it.

Gina: Plus, I could help you with the women.

Joey: Whoa, whoa, whoa. I’m actually handling that, alright? I’m kinda his teacher in that area.

Gina: That must be a pretty involved course. How you doin’? How you doin’? How you doin’?

Joey: Worked on every one of your friends!

[Scene : Outside Joey’s House]

Joey: Hey.

Alex: Hey.

Joey: I, uh, I got another note from the super. What an idiot. Spelled unacceptable with two C’s.

Alex: That’s how you spell unacceptable.

Joey: Interesting that you’d know that! (Alex is confused) So, how are ya? You doin’ well?

Alex: Yeah, I’m fine.

Joey: Really? Just fine? Not great, or say, super?

Alex: Alright, what’s up?

Joey: I’ll tell you what’s up! You’re game is up, okay? You can’t fool me. I know you’re the super..or his handwriting teacher!

Alex: The super? Where did you even get that?

Joey: Okay, enough! If you don’t admit you’re the super right now, I’m gonna..I’m gonna break this chair (Picks up one of the chairs)

Alex: Okay! All right, fine! I’m the super!

Joey: (Throws the chair down anyways, and it breaks) I am really worked up right now!

Alex: Well, now you know, it’s out in the open.

Joey: So why did you lie in the first place?

Alex: Okay, I didn’t lie! You never asked me directly, and I just didn’t volunteer the information.

Joey: Okay, the lawyer logic isn’t gonna work with me, or any other kind of logic for that matter!

Alex: Look, I didn’t tell you I was the super because I thought we were getting along, okay? It felt good, because everybody in this building hates me and my stupid notes. They..they call me The Notsie.

Joey: Oh.. (Laughs)

Alex: It’s not funny! And the crazy thing is, it’s not even my job. It’s my husband’s job, but he’s away a lot, so I have to do it. And if I’m gonna do it, I’m gonna do it well. So I guess, you’re just going to have to go ahead nad hate me like everybody else!

Joey: Hey. I don’t hate you.

Alex: You don’t? You should. I mean, I leave these annoying notes, and I made you take away your grill.

Joey: Yeah, but..Look, I don’t know many people out here. Okay? I mean, I got my family, but they’re kinda nuts. Okay? I could use someone normal, and you show a lot of promise.

Alex: Really? That’s so nice. I don’t know what to say. I think I’m gonna cry.

Joey: You have got yourself some mood swings. So uh..we’re good?

Alex: Yeah, yeah, we’re good.

Joey: You want to give me another note, don’t you?

Alex: It’s the last one, I promise!

Joey: But I didn’t..Oh, yes I did, yep.

[Scene : Joey, Michael, and Gina at that bar]

Gina: This is gonna be great, Michael. There are lots of cute girls here. Ooh, except for her, what a tramp.

Joey: That’s a mirror, Gina.

Gina: I am not talking about me.

Joey: Alright Michael, first thing we gotta do, is pick out some good prospects. Now, you’re gonna want to play the numbers.

Michael: What do you mean?

Joey: Well, it’s important to choose someone at the same level of hotness as yourself. You could go two ponts either way, but I wouldn’t do much more than that. For example, I’m a 9, okay? So, I can hit on a 7, or a hypothetical 11.

Michael: Okay?

Joey: Another option for me, is a 4 and a 5. Okay? Three 3’s. And, I wouldn’t recommend this, nine 1’s.

Michael: Okay, so, what number am I?

Gina: 6.

Joey: 6.

Michael: Wow. Honest. Okay.

Joey: Okay, alright. Why don’t you start with that 7 over there? She looks nice.

Gina: You can’t just send him out, he doesn’t even know what to say.

Joey: No, no, no. We covered that. Remember, Michael? Talk about the stars.

Gina: (To Michael) Oh honey, if you’re gonna talk about the stars, I’m gonna have to downgrade you to a four.

Joey: You got a better idea?

Gina: Yeah, I do. Does this place have a mechanical bull? Women really love to see how a man moves. All like..(She gets up and dances like she’s riding on a bull)

Michael: Mom, sit down!

Joey: Alright, forget the stars, alright. On to Plan B – The Accidental Bump. You ready? “Oh, sorry, I –Ooh, hi”

Gina: Don’t listen to him. You know, I think it would be easier if you sit here and I bring you girls. What do you like? Big chest?

Michael: You know, I think I’m just gonna go up to the girl and start talking.

Gina: Okay, just make sure your nice to her.

Joey: Yeah, but not too nice.

Gina: Compliment her.

Joey: Ignore her.

Gina: Compliment her, then ignore her.

Michael: Okay..

Gina: Make sure you ask her, her name.

Joey: And then call her a different name.

Gina: And make eye contact.

Joey: Yeah, but don’t stare at her.

Gina: You want to seem interested.

Joey: But completely bored.

Gina: Just be yourself.

Joey: No, no! Pretend to be somebody else.

Michael: Okay! I think I’d like you to leave.

Gina: What?

Joey: Why?

Michael: It’s just a lot of advice. It’s putting a lot of pressure on me, and I think I’ll just do better if I’m by myself.

Gina: Okay.

Joey: Wow. Okay, I guess we better go.

Gina: (Looking in the mirror) Damn it, that is me!

[Scene : Joey and Gina at Joey’s House]

Joey: I can’t believe Michael’s still not home yet.

Gina: I know, it’s taking a while. You think that means he scored?

Joey: No. I really wanted to help him with this stuff, but it was hard. Can I tell you a secret? He’s weird.

Gina: Can I tell you a secret? I know.

Joey: He’s just so different from us. I mean, can you imagine having trouble with the opposite sex?

Gina: The only thing that ever slowed me down was that little bastard.

Joey: And he’s so, so smart. Where’s he get that from?

Gina: I don’t know. It’s like he’s some alien sent from another planet to make me feel stupid.

Joey: Well I’m here now, okay? So the dummies outnumber the aliens. Just, I feel bad, ya know? I’m his uncle. I really wanna help him with stuff. If I can’t help him with girls, I don’t know what else I got.

Gina: No, you are helping him. I mean, he’s out on a Saturday night. Normally, he’d be at the library studying. Oh, if he left the bar and went to the library I am going to kill him.

[Michael Enters]

Joey: Hey!

Gina: How’d it go?

Michael: I got a phone number.

Gina: Congratulations!

Joey: Are you gonna call her?

Michael: I think so.

Gina: Call her now!

Joey: No, no. Wait three days.

Gina: No, you want her to know you like her.

Joey: Play hard to get.

Gina: Take her to dinner and a movie.

Joey: Bring her a slice and some porn.

Gina: Joey, that’s disgusting.

Joey: Worked on all of your friends!

[Scene : Michael and Joey outside Joey’s House at night]

Joey: I don’t know, Michael. I think this stars thing could work.

Michael: Okay, I’ll give it a shot sometime.

Joey: Try it now.

Michael: Uh, okay. Well, um that’s the Persius cluster. It’s one of the most massive objects in the entire universe. It kinda makes you feel small, doesn’t it?

Joey: It does, Michael. Continue.

Michael: Well, it’s uh, it’s 320 million light-years away. The universe is so vast and empty. It makes me glad we have each other. (Puts his arm around Joey)

Joey: What are you doing? I’m a 9!


Voir la fiche épisode, le script V.O. et le script V.F.

[Scene : Joey and Michael’s house. Michael and Joey are sitting on the couch playing a baseball video game.]

Michael: And stee-rike three!

Joey: This is so unrealistic. Derek Jeter doesn’t strike out on three curve balls in a row.

Michael: Did you know that the laws of physics suggest that the curve ball is actually impossible?

Joey: Why do you have to ruin stuff like that? Huh? The curve ball is impossible. Don’t eat that, it’s solid mold. That’ not a dog, it’s a possum. Stop letting it lick your face. Why?!

Michael: I gotta get to school.

Joey: Dude, let me let you in on a little secret. You don’t live with your mom anymore. You don’t have to go to school. Stay here. We’ll have fun.

Michael: Man, I really have to finish some work.

Joey: So you can work here. There’s a comfy couch. A lamp. Pens. What else do you need?

Michael: A Cray T3-E 1200 Super Computer.

Joey: The lamp has three settings. Look, I just-I don’t have anyone to hang out with here. Do you have to go to school every day? Isn’t the teacher ever sick or you get, like, a snow day or something?

Michael: There are not too many snow days in LA. Although it’s funny that you mention that, ‘cause I’m studying a climate-change scenario right now where the polar ice caps melt, and-

Joey: Oh, just go!

[Michael Leaves]

Joey: (Sits on the couch and gives a game controller to Hugsy] I know I can beat you. Ah, stee-rike! This is a new low.

[Opening Credits]

[Scene : Joey and Michael’s house. Joey is climbing the stone shelves above his fireplace, but one piece breaks off in his hand and he falls. Gina walks in.]

Gina: Did you break another piece off the wall?

Joey: It’s just begging to be climbed!

Gina: I just wanted to drop off Michael’s laundry. I gotta get back to the salon.

Joey: You’re going in this late?

Gina: Yeah, my first client cancelled. God rest her soul.

Joey: I was hoping you could stay. I was thinking maybe we could hang out.

Gina: Why, is something wrong?

Joey: I like LA and all, but being between projects, and not knowing that many people yet, I’m kinda lonely. How are you supposed to make friends as an adult?

Gina: Have you met anybody nice in the building?

Joey: Well, there actually is this one guy, Jake. He lives across the courtyard. He seems really cool.

Gina: Well have you talked to him?

Joey: Kinda, yeah. I’ve talked to him a couple times by the mailboxes. He’s always goin’ out to play basketball with his friends. Man, if I knew them I could play ball with them too. Assuming they also suck.

Gina: So why don’t you be friends with him?

Joey: Yeah, why don’t I just catch a rainbow and put it in my pocket.

Gina: Oh come on, it should be easy for you. It’s like picking up a girl. How do you do that?

Joey: I don’t know. I kinda go into a zone you know. I just start talking to a girl and the next thing you know I’m sneaking out of her apartment.

Gina: Hey maybe you and Michael should have a party, like a housewarming. Invite the whole building. Have Jake come.

Joey: Yeah, that’s a great idea. I can call Jake right now. I know from the mailboxes that his last name is Morgan. Huh? (Points to his head) More than just a hat rack, Gina. (Starts looking through the phonebook) Okay, Morgan, Morgan.. Shoot, there’s like ten J. Morgans. If only I knew his address. (Laughs) Here’s a guy with the same address as me. (Realizing) Right. Got it. I’m on it. I’m on it. (Starts to dial, but then hears someone dribbling a basketball outside) Do you hear that? That might be Jake. Should I go talk to him?

Gina: Go, Joey. Go grab your rainbow.

[Joey runs outside]

Joey: Jake, Jake! Hey, what’s up, man?

Jake: Joey, right?

Joey: Well, my friends call me J-Bird. Uh, anyway, my roommate and I are having a little party Thursday for everyone in the building.

Jake: Oh yeah, sure I’ll stop by.

Joey: Awesome. Yeah, you won’t be sorry. The J-Bird throws a great party.

[Jakes Leaves]

Joey: Why do I keep calling myself that? Hold it together, J-bird!

[Scene : Michael and Joey’s house. Gina and Joey are getting ready for the party. Alex walks in]

Alex: Hey Joey.

Joey: Hey.

Gina: What, you don’t say hello to me?

Alex: Oh! I didn’t even see you there. Hello! Hello! Your skin is so beautiful.

Gina: Enough..

Alex: Yeah, right. (To Joey) So listen, I know you’re having a party tonight. So I just wanted to drop off a list of rules about noise and parking and stuff.

Joey: You know you’re invited, right?

Alex: Oh, okay! (Crumples up the list)

[Michael Enters]

Michael: Oh, hey Alex.

Alex: Hi, Michael.

Gina: Who were you on the phone with?

Michael: Did you ever meet Seth from college?

Gina: Was he the home-schooled kid with the glasses or the Asian kid allergic to light?

Michael: I don’t think you ever met him. He’s this super-competitive guy. He just called to gloat about this fellowship he won. Like I hadn’t already read about it in the American Journal of Astrophysics!

Joey: By the way, can we please get some new magazines for the bathroom?

Michael: I mentioned the party to him, thinking he’s never going to come. Not only is he coming now, he wants to bring his girlfriend.

Alex: So?

Michael: You don’t understand. If Seth Tobin has a girlfriend, it means..Oh God, it means I’m the last guy from my group of friends at school to have a serious relationship. The last!

Joey: Even after the allergic-to-light guy?

Michael: Arthur Trang does all right. I mean, if you tell a girl, “We have to sit here in the dark or I’ll die” stuff happens.

Joey: That is going right in the arsenal!

Michael: God, I’m so sick of Seth beating me all the time. You know what it’s like to have someone like you, but just a little bit better?

Joey: Yeah. Johnny Depp.

Michael: I don’t even want to go tonight.

Joey: What?! This is our party. The whole reason to have it was to do something together.

Michael: I thought this party was for Jake.

Joey: That’s right! Jake is coming!

Gina: You know what? You need a girlfriend tonight? I don’t know this Seth guy. I’ll be your girlfriend.

Michael: Okay mom, no!

Gina: What, we could be a couple! (To Joey and Alex) Aren’t we a cute couple?

Alex: People go to jail for things like that.

Joey: Yeah.

Michael: Seriously Mom, stop.

Gina: You don’t think I’m sexy enough? I mean, come on. This is a body of a 22 year old. (Lifts up her shirt to show her stomach) I mean, look how tight my-

Alex: Please stop!

Gina: What did you say?

Alex: Well, first of all, oh so tight! And uh, I could do it.

Michael: You’d really do that for me?

Alex: Yeah, I could be your girlfriend. I mean, after all, my husband’s out of town. I could use a date.

Gina: Alex, you’re a married woman, is that really appropriate?

Joey: You know the word “appropriate”?

Michael: Well um Alex, I mean, if you’d come with me tonight, I’d really appreciate that.

Gina: Big step down, but whatever!

[Scene : Joey and Michael’s house. The part is starting, and Alex walks in.]

Alex: Hey, your fake girlfriend’s here.

Michael: Oh, is that what you’re wearing? I just thought you were going to show a little more skin.

Alex: Well sometimes what you don’t see is even sexier.

Joey: Yeah, only women think that.

Michael: (To Alex) No, I’m sorry. You look great. I’m just a little nervous about tonight, that’s all. Uh, maybe we should get our stories strait. I mean, if we blow this, Seth..he’ll never let me hear the end of it.

Alex: Okay um, my middle name is Julia. I grew up in-

Michael: Oh actually, I had some thoughts about your backstory. (Hands Alex some note cards)

Alex: My backstory? (Reading off one of the cards) “Veronica Rockefeller. Neurosurgeon slash bikini model.” (To Michael)I’m sorry, am I not good enough for you?

Michael: No! No!

Alex: (Reading the card again) “For believability, please lower your age to thirty?”

Michael: Right..

Alex: I’m 28!

[Cut to Joey waiting for Jake by the door.]

Joey: Hey guys, could you not stand by the door? When Jake come in, I don’t want you two to be the first people he sees.

[Seth walks in with his date, Molly]

Seth: Hi.

Joey: No, no, no. In you go.

Michael: Seth!

Seth: Sorry I’m late. I had a congratulatory phone call from Stephen Hawking. An honor, sure, but just..(Gestures that he talks a lot) Oh, this is my girlfriend Molly Wintle.

Michael: Hi. Uh, this is my girlfriend Alex Garret.

Seth: I didn’t know you were seeing anyone. How long have you been together?

Michael: Uhh..

Alex: Well it’s hard to say in a way, because for a long time he didn’t wanna be exclusive. This dog’s gotta run! But, I guess we’ve been together about 3 months.

Seth: We’ve been together five. That’s two months more. 61 days.

Michael: 1,464 hours.

Michael and Seth: 87, 840 minutes!

[Gina runs up to Michael]

Gina: How could you?

Michael: What?

Gina: First you break up with me, then you show up here with this tramp! (Slaps Michael)

[Gina walks away, over to the front door where Joey is still waiting.]

Joey: Jake better show. I mean look at these people. Who else could I possible be friends with here, Crazy Pet Lady? No sir, I do not care for the way her bird talks about our president.

[A man walks in]

Howard: Hey, I’m Howard, from apartment 12.

Joey: Oh hi. Joey. This is Gina.

Howard: Hey great, nice to meet you. I’m actually new here in LA and I find it kind of hard to meet people. Lots of tables for one for old Howie lately! So I was pretty excited to get your invitation. I mean, I’ve seen you around the building and I’ve been wanting to meet you, and here I am!

Joey: Yay! Well uh, enjoy yourself.

[Howie walks away]

Joey: Wow, he seems a little desperate, huh?

Gina: At least he didn’t throw a party to make you his friend.

Joey: (Laughs) Yeah, right. Oh.

[Scene : Michael and Joey’s house. Michael and Alex are talking to Seth and Molly.]

Seth: (His watch beeps) Oh, it’s almost 9. There’ll be a visible pass by the International Space Station soon. Molly and I share a passion for the night sky.

Alex: Oh, how nice. Michael and I share a passion for sex in public.

Seth: We’ll be outside.

[Seth and Molly go outside]

Michael: Sex in public? Where’d that come from?

Alex: Oh, I read about it in Cosmo. 60 percent of us do it. Wait a minute, did you see that plate of food Seth just brought for Molly with the chicken skewers and the mini hot dogs?

Michael: I guess.

Alex: Molly just told me she’s a vegetarian. If they’ve been together for five months, he would know that.

Michael: You know, I noticed another weird thing. She didn’t even know about Seth’s asthma. It sends him to the hospital like every other week.

Alex: It doesn’t seem like they know each other very well. Do you think she could be a fake girlfriend?

Michael: Let’s find out. (Yells to Molly outside) Hey Molly, which one’s better? Jedi or Empire?

Molly: I don’t know.

Michael: (To Alex) She’s fake!

[Cut to Joey and Howard]

Howard: And then when Drake Ramoray walks in and sees them in bed together? Ah! That was an amazing scene!

Joey: Interesting story about that scene; See originally, Drake wasn’t supposed to be in it at all. But then, while looking for a bathroom, I accidentally walked onto the set. The rest is history.

Howard: Well Days of Our Lives has not been the same without you.

Joey: Well I got some old tapes if you ever wanna- (Sees Jake) Oh, Jake!

[Joey walks over to Jake and Gina, leaving Howard by the bar]

Joey: Hey, what’s going on?

Jake: Hey.

Gina: Yeah, I was just having a nice time with one of your guests here.

Joey: Yeah, this is Jake.

Gina: This is Jake? Rainbow Jake?

Joey: Yeah! Uh, whatever that means.

Jake: (To Gina) So, you’re a hairdresser? Would you do anything different with my hair?

Gina: Let me see. Turn around for a sec. Great body. Really great body.

Joey: Okay, enough. Enough Gina. Maybe Jake would like a drink.

Gina: Maybe you should get him one.

Joey: Maybe you should get him one.

Gina: Maybe you should get him one.

Jake: You know what? I’ll get myself a drink. Can I get anything for the lady?

Gina: So chivalrous. Yes, I’ll have another EverClear and Gatorade.

[Jake walks off]

Joey: Why are you flirting with Jake?

Gina: Well I started talking to him before I knew who he was. You didn’t tell me e was so cute.

Joey: Well I’m sorry. But that’s not something I notice with guys, and yes I did!

Gina: Let me just finish talking to him, and then he’s all yours.

Joey: No!

Gina: Excuse me?

Joey: Look, I don’t want you talking to him. I told you how hard it is for me to meet people.

Gina: Well it’s not easy for me either. Why can’t we share him?

Joey: Because that never works. Every time you get involved with one of my friends, you ruin it. Okay? Either you break up with him and he doesn’t want to be with me anymore, or he breaks up with you and you scare him away! That’s why I had to quit the football team, the baseball team..I ended up having to do theater! Oh, so, thanks.

Gina: You are being ridiculous. Just back off, okay?

Joey: No, you back off.

Gina: No, you back off! You know, I see why you have trouble meeting people. You got so much food in your teeth.

Joey: Well, I was afraid Jake wasn’t going to show, and when I get nervous, I eat.

Howard: (Walks over to Joey and Gina) Wow, we have so much in common!

Joey: Get out of here!

Gina: Go!

Howard: Awesome.

[Scene : Joey and Michael’s house. Joey and Gina are still arguing over Jake.]

Joey: Look, Jake’s gonna be here any second with the drinks. Why don’t we let him decide who he wants to be with?

Gina: I’m so sure he’s gonna pick me, I’ll give you a one minute head start.

Joey: Look, I don’t need you charity, okay? Jake and I are going to be-

Gina: Hey, you just wasted ten seconds.

Joey: Only 40 seconds left! (Walks over to Jake) Hey man, nothing like a cold beer on a warm summer night, huh?

Jake: This is apple juice. I’m an alcoholic.

Joey: It’s a disease. (Gina gestures to him that his time is counting down) Uh, so what do you do for a living Jake?

Jake: I’m a market make in the energy sector. Mostly do arbitrage.

Joey: Oh hey, my uncle’s a garbage man, yeah. (Gina starts walking over to them, and Joey starts talking very fast.) I’m an actor myself. Not really working right now, so that’s not interesting. Uh, I love video games, and Diehard. I’m an excellent parallel parker. I once saw Mr. T in a restaurant!

[Gina walks up to them]

Gina: Hi. It’s really hot in here. You wanna go check out the patio? (Takes off her jacket)

Jake: (To Joey) Catch you later.

[Jake and Gina go outside]

Joey: I knew it! What you do see is sexier!

[Cut to Michael and Alex]

Michael: This is such typical Seth. He could’ve just come to the party alone, but instead he goes through all this trouble, just to one up me.

Alex: Well he’s not going to get away with it. I’m a lawyer. I’ll just pretend he’s a defendant..for a very, very geeky crime.

Michael: Oh, they’re splitting up.

Alex: Good. Divide and conquer. You take nerdly.

Michael: Okay.

[Michael goes to talk to Seth, and Alex goes to talk to Molly]

Alex: So, tell me, how exactly did you and Seth meet?

Molly: (Speaks in a way that is very obvious she is reciting from memory) Oh, at a Memorial Day Party thrown by a mutual friend. It was a sunset cruise around Catalina Island.

Alex: That’s so romantic.

Molly: And I had to go to San Francisco on business that night, so Seth offered to drive me to the airport. Then when I came back, he surprised me by picking me up, too.

Alex: Aww. A couple of questions, um, you said you went on a Sunset Cruise on Memorial Day?

Molly: Um, yeah.

Alex: And then you flew to San Francisco later that night?

Molly: On business.

Alex: So just a few weeks before the summer solstice, when the sun sets well after 8 o’clock, your sunset cruise got back in time for you to catch a flight to San Francisco -- when, and correct me if I’m wrong, the last shuttle to SFO leaves at 9 o’clock PM. Is that what you’re saying?

Molly: I…don’t remember.

Alex: Now I want to return to something else that you said about this alleged boat trip.

[Cut to Michael and Seth]

Seth: I don’t know if you noticed, but I’ve been working out.

Michael: Oh yeah, I’ve been working out too.

Seth: Oh yeah? I’m bench-pressing 90 pounds. Can you bench press your body weight? So, what do you think Molly and Alex are talking about?

Michael: Oh, it’s girl stuff.

[Cut to Alex and Molly]

Alex: ..then either it didn’t happen that way, or both you and Seth are in violation of the US Fisheries Act of 1988!

Molly: (Scared) I have to go to the bathroom.

Alex: The answers aren’t in there, Miss Wintle! (Gives Michael a thumbs-up sign)

[Scene : Joey and Michael’s house. Gina and Jake are talking by the fireplace. Joey walks over to them.]

Joey: Hey Gina, sorry to interrupt, but I have to show you something. Armand Assante just walked in. (Pulls Gina away from Jake)

Gina: Oh my god. I love him! Where?

Joey: He’s not here. I just wanted to get you away from Jake so I could have some time to talk to him.

Gina: You know, one day Armand Assante will be here, and I won’t go because you have fooled me so many times!

Joey: Look, he’s gonna leave soon, okay? Can’t you just let me have 5 minutes? I already saw you give him your number.

Gina: Yeah, and I put a little lipstick kiss on it to up what I call the “class factor.”

Joey: Okay, how ‘bout this? If you don’t let me talk to him, I’m gonna tell him some stuff about you.

Gina: Good, I don’t have any secrets.

Joey: How old did you tell him you were?

Gina: Alright, five minutes.

Joey: Yeah. (Walks over to Jake) Hey, Jake.

Jake: Hey, thanks for the great party. I gotta take off.

Joey: No, really?

Jake: Yeah, I got a basketball game in the morning. Say, I was wondering if the J-Bird wants to come.

Joey: Who? Oh, that’s me! Yeah.

Jake: Sweet. So I’ll swing by, pick you up around 9?

Joey: Great.

[Jake throws something in the trash as he walks out the door]

Joey: Hey Jake, what uh, what’s that you just threw out there? (Takes it out of the trash)

Jake: Oh, nothing, just the phone number of that girl I was talking to. I was hoping to get a little more than a phone number tonight. She’s got more self-esteem than that outfit would suggest.

Joey: So you’re not gonna call her?

Jake: Aw, she’s fine for a slow night, but not exactly worth dinner and a movie, right?

Joey: That’s my sister, Jake.

Jake:, I’m sorry. I don’t know what to say. We still on for basketball?

Joey: No, I think I’m gonna play basketball with some guys who don’t think my sister’s trashy.

Jake: Yeah, well good like finding them.

Joey: Yeah, tell me about it.

[Joey closes the door, and Gina walks over]

Joey: Hey uh, I think I came on a little too strong with Jake. I might’ve freaked him out. He’s probably not gonna call.

Gina: I saw him throw my number out, Joey, but I like your story better. He just wanted a one-night stand, huh? A one night stand..

Joey: Don’t even think about it!

Gina: Are you okay? I mean, I know how much this meant to you. You went through all this trouble just to meet him.

Joey: Oh no, no, no. It’s alright, it’s alright. I just, I didn’t think it’d be this hard to meet people, ya know?

Gina: Hey, remember when you left home and moved to Manhattan? You found people there.

Joey: Yeah, but I was a kid then. It was easy, you know? I got to go through all that again now?

Gina: Aw, look, it’ll happen. At least this time you got me.

Joey: I do have your number. (Looks at the number that she had given to Jake) Now does underlining “up late” also up the “class factor?”

[Cut to Alex and Molly walking over to Michael and Seth]

Alex: Molly has something she’d like to say.

Molly: I don’t want to do this anymore. I just want to go home.

Seth: What do you mean?

Alex: Seth, the game is up. We know she’s not your girlfriend.

Seth: Oh my god.

Michael: Seth, why? Why did you lie?

Seth: So I could beat you for once, okay?

Michael: What are you talking about?

Seth: You got into Cal Tech’s doctoral program; I got rejected. You got this killer apartment; I live at home and share a bathroom with my grandmother. I never win.

Michael: That’s how you feel about me? Look, okay, I have to tell you something. Alex isn’t real.

Seth: You built her? (Goes to look at Alex)

Alex: Get away from me!

Michael: No, no, I mean she’s not really my girlfriend. Okay yes, I asked her to pretend to be my date tonight to impress you ‘cause I..I fell like I never win.

Seth: Wow. Makes you think.

Michael: Yeah. So I guess we both kind of learned our lesson.

Seth: I learned it first.

Michael: Well I learned it better.

Seth: I kinda already knew it actually.

Michael: I’m the one who-

[Joey walks over]

Joey: Geeks, geeks, geeks, we’re done.

[Scene : Joey and Michael’s house. Joey and Howard are cleaning up from the party.]

Joey: So he was the real reason I threw this party, and he turns out to be a jerk, you know? All I wanted was someone to hang out with. (Howard looks at him as if he could be his friend) Okay, we can try it, but I’m not making any promises.

Howard: You will not regret this.

Joey: Hey Gina, on a trial basis, Howard here is gonna be my friend. Okay, now I don’t want you hitting on him and ruining everything.

Gina: Well I’ll try to control myself. I’m only woman.

Howard: (To Joey) Hey, let’s play a game where you throw the trash in the bag and use my body as a backboard.

Joey: (Throws in two cups) This just might work out!

[Scene : Joey and Michael’s house. Alex and Michael are cleaning up.]

Alex: I don’t know why you caved. We totally had them.

Michael: Are you kidding me? They would’ve caught on eventually. Just, no one would believe that a girl like you would be going out with you know, me.

Alex: Oh please. Would you stop selling yourself short like that?

Michael: I’m not, I just know my limitations. Women uh, don’t like me. Except for lesbians who, when I’m wearing my old glasses, think I’m one of them.

Alex: Let me tell you something, if there was a twenty year old me out there, she would want to be with a guy like you.

Michael: If I could build an ultra-realisitc girl robot, I’d want her to be just like you.

Alex: Well that’s sweet.

Michael: But I’d probably give her bigger-

Alex: That’s enough.

Michael: Okay.


Voir la fiche épisode, le script V.O. et le script V.F.

[Scene : Joey’s house. Michael’s at the table working, and Joey walks in.]

Joey: Hey Michael. Are you studying again? Do you realize how depressing that is to come home to?

Michael: As depressing as it is to come home to an empty lasagna tray?

Joey: Touché, Michael. It’s just a reminder of the fact that I have no social life out here. I’m having the worst dry spell ever.

Michael: My dry spell’s lasted twenty years, but go on.

Joey: I mean, in New York if you see a pretty girl, you just walk right up to her, you know? But here, they’re all in cars. They go whippin’ past me at like a million miles an hour. Like today, I saw this pretty girl driving toward me, so I make a U-turn and get a ticket for 800 bucks.

Michael: 800 dollars for a U-turn?

Joey: Yeah. We may have been on a freeway at the time, but..I just wish I had a regular place where I could go and meet women.

Michael: You could go to bars.

Joey: Nah, I’m getting too old for that. Plus I’m not great at telling whether or not they’re gay bars before I go in. Oh by the way, if Ramon calls, I am not here.

[Opening Credits]

[Scene : Joey and Michael’s house. Gina is on the couch reading a magazine. Joey walks downstairs.]

Joey: Hey.

Gina: Joey, come here. Look at this. The world is a freakin’ joke. (Hands Joey a magazine)

Joey: Cargo pants are five minutes ago? The world is a freakin’ joke.

Gina: No, the thing about the celebrity hairstylist.

Joey: Oh.

Gina: I went to cosmetology school with that girl and she was terrible. She burned way more hair than I did, and I burned some hair. Now I have to read about her living the glamorous life and rubbing elbows with celebrities. That should be me.

Joey: You cut my hair. I’m on TV.

Gina: No offense, but you’re only slightly more famous than my client who shot her husband.

[Michael Enters carrying a plate of sandwiches]

Joey: Hello giant plate of sandwiches.

Michael: Joey, listen-

Joey: Oh, hey Michael, I didn’t even see you there.

Michael: Hands off. Theses are for my book club tonight.

Joey: A book club? Here, in my own home? Gosh, it’s like I’m living at the Playboy mansion.

Michael: Stay away from the sandwiches. Watch him, mom.

Joey: (Laughs) Pssh. (Gina glares at him and Joey looks scared)

Gina: I can’t believe this. It’s so upsetting when people with less talent than you are more successful.

Joey: Yeah, like that dog from my beer commercial..couldn’t catch a Frisbee on cue, works all the time.

Gina: Ya know, you should ask your agent to hook me up. She has lots of famous clients that need to get there hair done. Just show her my portfolio, I’m sure she will be impressed.

Joey: Well I can show it to her, but I’m not so sure she’ll be impressed. I mean, all the hairstyles are modeled by Michael. Even the women’s.

Gina: So?

Joey: So? The Dorothy Hammel haircut with the heavy makeup? We’re lucky he’s not burring bodies in the backyard.

[Scene : Bobbie’s Office. Joey walks in.]

Bobbie: Joey, what are you doing here? Why aren’t you out there getting work?

Joey: Uh, didn’t have any auditions today.

Bobbie: Oh sure, put it all on me. (Notices the portfolio that Joey’s holding) What’s that?

Joey: Oh, it’s a portfolio of hairstyles.

Bobbie: What? (She looks through the portfolio) Oh, who’s the model? I’d like to keep that little piece of chicken in my pocket and snack on him all day.

Joey: Uh, that’s my nephew.

Bobbie: Well we can see who has the looks in your family.

Joey: Anyway, my sister is a hairdresser and that’s her portfolio. I was hoping maye you could show it to some of your clients.

Bobbie: Oh, absolutely. (Picks up the phone and dials random numbers) Hi. Halle Berry. My client has a sister who’s a barber. Could she do your hair for the Oscars? (Hangs up)

Joey: What’d she say?

Bobbie: Joey, I’m not here to do you personal favors. Let me explain how this agent thing works. First, you become famous, and then I’ll kiss your ass. But until then, let’s keep it strictly professional.

Joey: Okay, sorry. I understand. (Starts to pick up the portfolio and leave)

Bobbie: (Grabs the portfolio from Joey) Leave the pictures of the boy toy.

[Scene : Joey and Michael’s house. Joey walks in to find Michael’s book club has a lot of women in it.]

Maureen: Well hello, are you here for Book Club?

Joey: I am now.

Diane: What did you think of this week’s book?

Joey: I found it extremely fictional.

[Michael Walks downstairs]

Michael: Uh, Joey, Joey, can I just talk to you for one second?

Joey: Uh, yeah.

Michael: (To the girls) Sorry.

[Michael and Joey walk away from Maureen and Diane]

Michael: What are you doing?

Joey: You didn’t tell me there were pretty ladies in the nerd club. You gotta let me in.

Michael: Look, I don’t know.

Joey: Hey, come on, Michael. You can’t kick me out of a room full of women. If I was in charge of a room full of boring stuff, I’d let you in.

Michael: Look, this isn’t one of those book clubs where people just come to mingle. Alright? It’s a place to discuss literature not pick up girls-

[Jane Enters]

Michael: Oh my god, Jane’s here, Jane.

Jane: Hi Michael. I brought an ice cream cake.

Michael: That’s great. It’s great-great to see you. Uh, great book huh? So great, It was a little slow at the beginning, but great over all. I mean, did you think it was great?

Jane: The cake is cold. My hands are getting numb.

Michael: Oh. (Takes the cake and puts it in the freezer)

[Jane walks away]

Joey: Not a place to pick up girls, huh?

Michael: What, Jane? No way. No, are you kidding? No, I would never-

Joey: Great, great, g-great, great, g-g-great, great, great, g-g-g-g-great, great..

Michael: All right! I love her so much.

Joey: So, so, ask her out.

Michael: No, the book club has a strict no dating rule, and I’m the president. She’s my vice president. The scandal would tear our administration apart.

Joey: Michael, you have to seize this moment. The love between two nerds is a rare and fragile thing.

Michael: I want to. I can’t go against the rules without a motion being passed.

Joey: So, I’ll make a motion.

Michael: You’re not a member. There’s an approval process.

Joey: Well, I motion you suspend it on account of me being the sole payer of rent for the book club’s headquarters.

Michael: I second the motion. The motion is passed

Joey: I motion for a presidential exemption to the no-dating rule.

Michael: I second the motion. The motion is passed.

Joey: I motion that you and me eat that entire ice cream cake right now.

Michael: Motion denied.

Joey: Mr. Chairman, you’re out of order!

[Scene : Joey and Michael’s house. The book club meeting has just ended.]

Joey: Great book club tonight, lively discussion, and I got five phone numbers.

Michael: Yeah, the girls were crazy about you. What’s your secret?

Joey: Well there’s no trick. Women just want to be listened to. So when they talk I pretend to listen and go like this. (Nods his head) Hey, so, how’d it go with Jane? Did you ask her out?

Michael: No, just ‘cause I wanna wait ‘til next week’s meeting just so I can set the mood. So I picked a romantic book, and I asked her to come over right before just to help me write out the discussion questions.

Joey: Nice. Nice. What’ the book?

Michael: Jane Austin’s Pride and Prejudice. It’s a tale of manners and courtship set in 19th century rural England.

Joey: I hope you enjoy reading that.

Michael: Joey, if you’re gonna be in the book club, you have to read the book. The whole notion of- (Joey is doing his pretending-to-listen nod) Stop that! Stop it!

[Gina Enters]

Gina: Hey guys.

Joey: Hey.

Michael: Hi, Mom.

Gina: So, is the agent gonna send me any clients?

Joey: Uh, no. Actually, Bobbie’s been very busy so I don’t know if you should expect a call.

Michael: Your agent? She did call.

Gina: Really?

Michael: Yeah it was weird, she called me her little chicken nugget and then made a bunch of slurping noises.

Joey: Uh, that's just show biz talk.

Gina: I can't believe you don't know anyone famous. If you hadn't turned down that hit show, you'd have so many connections that could help me right now.

Joey: Yeah, that's what I regret most about that decision.

[Alex Enters]

Alex: Hey. I'm sorry to bug you, but did you get some of my mail by mistake? I didn't get my People magazine and the post office said they delivered it today.

[Joey turns and looks at Gina]

Joey: Gina, weren't you readin' that earlier?

Gina: (To Alex) What's the problem, I'm not good enough to steal your magazine?

Joey: (To Alex) Uh, that's okay, I think it's upstairs. Just have a seat.

Alex: No no, that's okay, you don't need to leave us alone..

[Joey Leaves], tell me, do you-

Gina: This isn't a social hour. What famous people do you know?

Alex: Oh, well um, my college friend Jessica's married to a big time movie producer.

Gina: So does she wear really expensive gowns, and get her hair all done up and go to big premieres?

Alex: Yeah, all the time. She goes to one like every week.

Gina: Aww, you're lying to impress me.

Alex: No, I'm not lying. She's a really good friend, of mine.

Gina: Yeah right.I'd like to see you ask her to let me do her hair for her next premiere.

Alex: Alrigtht, I will. Wait, what just happened?

Gina: I'm really good, I sware. I just need a chance. If you call her and set it up, I'll be nice to you.

Alex: For how long?

Gina: Name your terms.

Alex: Two weeks.

Gina: Done.

Alex: I shoulda said three.

Gina: And now you're down to one.

Alex: Ugh.

[Scene : Joey and Michael's house. Michael is setting up for Book Club. Joey enters.]

Joey: Hey.

Michael: Hello.

Joey: Hey listen, tonight at book club, don't have Diane sit next to Maureen.

Michael: Why?

Joey: I may be dating both of them exclusively.

[Knock On The Door]

Michael: Oh my god, that's Jane

Joey: Alright, I'll get out of your hair until book club starts. I'll be in my room reading the book and listening to some "Soft Rock Hits of the 70's" (Shows Michael a cassette tape) Can you believe someone threw this out?

[Joey Leaves and Michael answers the door]

Michael: Hi. Whoa. Come in, I'm sorry, it's just you look great.

Jane: Thanks. You look- I don't know. I can't see without my glasses. I probably shouldn't have driven here.

Michael: So uh, did you enjoy the book?

Jane: Oh, yeah.

Michael: Yeah, it's pretty romantic.

Jane: Very.

Michael: So, I wanted to ask you-

[Joey walks downstairs with headphones on]

Joey: Don't mind me. Just grabbing a snack. Reading makes me hungry.

Michael: (To Jane) Uh, so-

Joey: (Singing) Just call me angel of the morning, angel. Just touch my cheek before you leave.

[Joey walks back upstairs, Michael gestures for Jane to sit down, and they both sit]

Michael: So I was, I was just thinking that maybe we could loosen up the rules of Book Club.

Jane: Oh, ok.

Michael: Like, maybe we could strike the No Dating rule from the bylaws.

Jane: Oh yes, let's do that.

Michael: Okay, consider it stricken.

Jane: Ok great, so we can date people in Book Club.

Michael: Yes we can.

Jane: So what's up with your uncle?

Michael: I'm sorry?

Jane: Well, do you think he would go out with me? He mentioned he was single last time, and I was hoping you could say something for me.

[Joey walks downstairs]

Joey: I'm gonna go read in the courtyard. Give you two some privacy.

[Scene : The Courtyard at Joey and Michael's house. Joey is reading.]

Joey: 4 down, 371 to go

[Gina Enters]

Gina: Hey.

Joey: Hey.

Gina: I just wanted to tell you guys to be sure you watch TV tonight. I just did Alex's friend's hair for a premiere, and she's gonna be on the Red Carpet!

Joey: Oh, how'd it go?

Gina: Oh, I was a little nervous at first. She's a very fancy lady. She was drinkin' martinis and sittin' with her legs crossed. But then I got into it, and instinct just took over. I did this beautiful, old Hollywood style updo.

Joey: Congratulations. All right.

[They high-five]

Gina: I'm gonna go tell Michael.

Joey: No, no, no. He's in there with a girl.

Gina: Okay, he's in there with a girl, and you're reading books? What is this, Freaky Friday? Alright, I guess I'll go tell Blondy how it went.

Joey: Ahh, call her Alex. You promised you were gonna be nice.

Gina: Only one more day of that, and some stuff is gonna happen.

[Gina Leaves]

Joey: Five minutes left, I gotta buckle down...hey little snail!

[Diane and Maureen walk into the courtyard]

Diane: Hi Joey.

Joey: Diane..Maureen. You two know each other?

Maureen: Oh yeah, we're good friends.

Joey: I did not know that. Come on in.

[Joey, Diane, and Maureen walk inside the house]

Jane: Hi Joey.

Joey: Sup?

[Joey walks over to Michael]

Joey: Listen, Michael, I didn't exactly finish the book, okay? So don't call on me.

Michael: You're unbelievable.

Joey: What?

Michael: Come here.

[Joey and Michael walk outside]

Joey: What's the matter? Did you ask Jane out?

Michael: No, I didn't ask her out, 'cause she wants to go out with you.

Joey: Oh dude, I'm so sorry. Obviously I would never-

Michael: You totally screwed this up for me.

Joey: I didn't mean to. I barely said two words to her.

Michael: You didn't have to. You came to the meeting last week with your game face on, looking to score, and it worked. Alright? you're like a..big blob of sex, and you oozed your charm all over the girl I like.

Joey: I am not a sex blob! Okay, this is not my fault. Look, I'm sorry if she likes me, but I didn't do anything wrong.

Michael: I should never have let you in.

[Joey and Michael walk back inside]

Jane: So, should we get started?

Michael: Yes. Come, Joey, let's go talk about the book we all read.

Joey: (Whispers) Nothing past page four!

[Joey avoids Jane, and sits between Diane and Maureen]

Maureen: Hey, I wanted to call and tell you what a great time-

Joey: Uh, Book Club is starting everybody! (Rings a bell) Book Club!

Michael: Okay, so, who wants to start?

Lloyd: I thought-

Michael: Joey, what did you think of Pride and Prejudice? Let's hear it. What were some of the central themes?

Joey: Uh...well, pride was one.

Maureen: Oh, yeah.

Diane: Yeah.

Joey: And of course prejudice, which is wrong!

Maureen: Oh yeah.

Diane: Uh huh.

Michael: Uh, uh huh, and what did you think of Darcy?

Joey: She was good.

Michael: Darcy's a man.

Maureen: But not in the modern sense. Is that what you're saying Joey?

Joey: Uh, yes it is. Yes it is, Maureen. Thank you.

Diane: That's interesting.

Jane: That's very interesting.

Michael: He didn't read the book! The only reason he's here is to pick up women. Now, in the interest of maintaining the integrity of Book Club, I motion that we kick Joey out. Who seconds?

[No one raises their hand]

Michael: Come on! He didn't read the book.

Maureen: Neither did I.

Diane: Me neither.

Lloyd: I saw the movie.

Joey: There was a movie?!

Michael: Did anyone here read the book?

Maureen: You put too much pressure on us, Michael. A book a week?

Jane: It's just really gotten very stressful.

Michael: How is reading stressful? Reading is fun. (Yelling) It's fun!

Joey: Okay, let's not turn this into a hostage situation. If you want me to leave, I will.

Jane Maureen and Diane: No!

Michael: You know what, I'm just gonna leave.

[Scene : Alex's House. Gina and Alex are getting ready to watch the premiere.]

Alex: Okay, it's almost time for the big premiere. I made popcorn.

Gina: Nice place. (Picks up a picture) Who's the knockout in the tiara?

Alex: Oh, that's my sister Nancy. She was queen of the Rose Parade.

Gina: Oh, you're cute, but maybe you shouldn't stand next to her in family pictures.

Alex: Yeah, that's what my mom says.

Gina: I really appreciate you helping me out. I mean, I know I mess with you sometimes but it's just for fun. (Gives Alex a friendly jab)

Alex: Oh yeah, that is fun. (Starts to give Gina a friendly jab back, but decides it's best not to hit her) So this is actually kinda nice, being friendly. Maybe we could keep it up a little longer than a week.

Gina: Hmm, I physically can't. Oh my god, it's on! Ahem, George Clooney. I would ware him down to a nub.

Alex: yeah, I would..have bunches of sex with him.

Gina: Oh my god, that's Jessica's husband getting out of the limo.

Alex: Oh my god, this is exciting. Oh there she is. Oh wow, she actually looks really good. Not that I'm suprised. I mean, when I said "actually" I didn't mean..(Notices that Gina looks sad) What? What's wrong?

Gina: She took it down.

Alex: What?

Gina: That wasn't the style I gave her. She must've taken it out in the limo. She hated it. I can't believe this. (Turns off the TV)

Alex: Oh, I'm so sorry.

Gina: I knew when I walked in there I was out of my league, but i spent two hours trying to fake it.

Alex: Oh no. There, there..

Gina: I can't believe I ever thought I could do this. I just don't fit in with rich people. They look down on me. They always have and they always will. With their grammer, adn their leg crossing, and..

[Alex uncrosses her legs]

Alex: Hye, don't be sayin' that girlfriend. Okay look, I grew up with money, and I don't look down on you. If anything, I envy you.

Gina: Come on.

Alex: IT's true. I wish I were as strong and as confident as you. And if it were me, I would be more than happy to have you do my hair.

Gina: Really? You mean that?

Alex: Absolutely.

Gina: So can we do it right now?

Alex: Now? Oh, now seems so soon.

[Scene : The courtyard outsidee Joey and Michael's house. Joey's on the phone.]

Joey: Look, Michael, it's Joey. I know you're mad, but I hope you come home soon so we can talk about how you're feeling and work this out. And also, if you get a chance to pick up some tacos or something on your way home that'd be great. (Hangs up)

[Michael Enters]

Joey: Hey, look uh, I know you're upset because Jane liked me, alright but I hope you know I would never come between you and a girl, alright and I really did not mean for that to happen.

Michael: I know you didn't. That's the problem.

Joey: What?

Michael: It's gonna happen whether you try or not, you know? Anytime I actually get a girl and bring her home, she'll take one look at you and forget I'm even here.

Joey: Come on, give yourself some credit. You have so many gifts that I don't have. You're really smart. People respect your opinion about stuff. That's a great thing.

Michael: Maybe. I'd still rather have your gifts.

Joey: Yeah me too, but believe me. You are on your way to big things. Okay, because you're only gonna get better with girls and stuff. But I'll always suck at math. In like 5 years, you are gonna be a force to be reckoned with.

Michael: Yeah, and in 5 years, you'll be 40.

Joey: You have a lot of your mother in you, don't you

[Gina Enters]

Gina: Okay, ladies and gentelman, modeling a Gina Tribbiani hairstyle called the Nice 'n Nasty, I give you Alex Garret.

[Alex Enters]

Joey: Whoa, now that's a neighbor!

Gina: (To Michael) Come on, get your camera. I wanna get some pictures.

Michael: (To Alex) You look so diffrent. I can't believe you own an outfit that slutty.

Gina: Hey, that's mine. I wear that to church.

[Michael and Gina Leave]

Joey: You're very nice to be such a good sport.

Alex: Can I tell you something? I love it! I feel like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman.

Joey: You know she was a hooker, right?

Alex: Yes. I have to go look at myself in the mirror again!

[Scene : Bobbie's Office]

Bobbie: Oh, Joey I've got great news.

Joey: Did I get that commerical?

Bobbie: No, I bought a horse.

[Michael Enters]

Michael: Joey, come on. I gotta get to school. (To Bobbie) Oh, hi, I'm Michael.

Bobbie: Oooo, have a seat. Joey, I completely forgot. There's a residual check for you in the accounting department. Why don't you go grab it?

Joey: Alright! Okay, I'll be right back. I'll be right back.

[Joey Leaves]

Bobbie: So, Michael, how do you feel about full frontal nudity?

Michael: I'm not an actor.

Bobbie: Oh yes, I know.

The end

Voir la fiche épisode, le script V.O. et le script V.F.

[Scene : Joey and Michael’s house. Joey is reading a book. Gina Enters.]

Joey: Hey.

Gina: (Deep Voice) I need a drink.

Joey: You sound just like dad.

Gina: Dad didn’t drink.

Joey: Oh I know, but your voice is deep like a man.

Gina: Heh, you want a beer?

Joey: No no, I have an audition in an hour with this great theater company. I have to memorize a monologue from Shakespeare’s Richard III.

Gina: Oh, how’s that going?

Joey: Bad.

Gina: Why would you even want to do Shakespeare?

Joey: Well, this could be a great opportunity for me you know? Really turn things around. Get people to look at me as a serious actor. Plus I get to wear a crown.

Gina: You know, maybe it would help you memorize it if you understood the dialogue.

Joey: Yeah, but it’s like a whole other language.

Gina: Well, let me help you. Let’s start with the first line.

Joey: Okay, uh (Reading from Richard III) “Now is the winter of our discontent.

Gina: Interesting.

Joey: “Made glorious summer by this sun of York.”

Gina: Uh, okay sure.

Joey: “And all the clouds that lowered upon our house in the deep bosom of the ocean buried.

[Awkward silence as they sit staring at the book]

Gina: You wanna get a pizza?

Joey: Oh, God yes.

[Opening Credits]

[Scene : The courtyard outside Michael and Joey’s house. Michael is working on his computer. Joey enters.]

Joey: Hey Michael.

Michael: Oh, hey Joey. How’d the audition go today?

Joey: Ah, I didn’t get it. I’m gonna be the understudy.

Michael: That’s great!

Joey: Uh, Michael, I don’t know what that means in rocket science business, but in show business it means you suck.

Michael: You’re looking at this in the wrong way. If the lead actor gets sick, you’re in. This is an oppurtuinty. You just need to be ready to seize it when you’re moment comes.

Joey: Yeah?

Michael: Absolutely. Remember what happened to Lou Gehrig? One day Wally Pip got sick and Lou filled in for him. He was so good he replaced him permanently. The guy played every single game for like thirteen years.

Joey: Michael I can’t wait for this part that long. I’m supposed to go to Sea World in three weeks!

Michael: The point is you could get your big break, and you need to be ready.

Joey: Hmm, yeah. I’ll just wait for my chance and then go out there and be the best Richard III there ever was.

Michael: Well actually, Sir Lawrence Olivia set a pretty high standard for that one.

Joey: Oh. Maybe I should put “Sir” in front of my name

[A girl enters carrying a big box]

Michael: (Whispering to Joey) Girl. Girl, girl, girl!

Joey: Why, well hello.

Girl: Hi.

Joey: Let me help you with that. (Joey takes the box from her)

Girl: Thanks.

Joey: And let me be the first to welcome you to the building.

Girl: Oh actually I’m moving out of my apartment here, and in with my fiancé.

Joey: Aw, there you go. (Gives her the box back)

[The girl leaves]

Michael: Joey, she’s moving out. This is bad. This is really bad.

Joey: Come on Michael, you didn’t have a chance with that girl. I could still get her. You wanna see?

Michael: No! Just look. An apartment is open in the building. My mother’s gonna want to move in.

Joey: Really?

Michael: Yes! When I moved in here she asked me if there was an apartment open for rent. God, she hates being alone, and now I’m not there to do yard work anymore or move furniture around.

Joey: Whoa whoa whoa, you move furniture?

Michael: It’s mostly wicker.

Joey: Oh.

Michael: This cannot happen! You have to help me.

Joey: Alright, alright, alright. Uh, well we better take that sign down. (Points to the “For Rent” sign)

Gina: (Yelling from the parking lot) You better just back off mister!

Joey: (To Michael) Get the..!

[Michael rips down the sign and hands it to Joey. Joey sets it by a plant. Gina enters.]

Gina: (Yelling to the parking lot) I didn’t hit your car! You would know if I hit your car! (To Joey) I just totally hit that guy’s car. What’s going on with you guys?

Michael: Nothing.

Gina: (Notices the “For Rent” sign by the plant) Hmm, what do we have here? A plant for rent? Pffh, California, what a bunch of weirdos, huh?

Joey: Yeah..

Gina: Okay, I’m gonna go get dinner ready.

[Howard Enters]

Howard: Hey guys. Hey Gina.

Gina: Hey Howie.

Howard: Hey, did you notice anything different about me?

Gina: Did you get shorter?

Howard: No, I’ve been working out! I have a Bowflex. Good things are happening to my body almost daily.

Gina: I can make good things happen to your body almost daily too.

[Gina Leaves]

Howard: I wanna marry her. (Notices the “For Rent” sign by the plant) Hey that’s not supposed to be here. It’s supposed to go over there.

Joey: Listen, uh, we don’t want Gina to know about the empty apartment right now, so maybe you don’t mention it to her.

Howard: Why can’t she know?

Michael: Uh, because if she finds out, she’ll want to move into it and we really don’t want her living with us.

Howard: She’d move in here?

Joey: Howard-

Howard: I want that!

Joey: Howard, no!

Howard: I’m gonna tell her.

Joey: Howard-

Howard: (Yelling) Gina!

Joey: You wanna have another pizza tonight, just you and me?

Howard: That was the best night ever. We watched Die Hard and then you showed me your Days Of Our Lives cast photo and pointed out everyone you slept with.

Joey: Uh huh. Well, we can do that again if you don’t mention the empty apartment to Gina.

Howard: Really?

Joey: Yeah, but this time we can Die Harder.

Howard: Ahh, the same thing happens only this time they’re on a plane!

[Scene : The back porch at Joey and Michael’s house.]

Joey: Hey, guess what. I’ve got great news. The guy who plays Richard III has been throwing up all day.

Michael: Really?

Joey: yeah, yeah. They think it might be serious. I’m gonna get to go on!

Michael: I’m so happy for you. See, I told you. So how are the lines coming?

Joey: Oh ah, words – the worst part of acting. I can’t get that opening monologue. I think I have too much information stored in my brain.

Michael: That’s an interesting theory.

[Alex Enters]

Alex: Hey guys.

Joey: Oh, hey.

Alex: Uh, do you know what’s been happening to the “For Rent” signs I’ve been putting up?

Joey: Yeah yeah, we’ve been taking ‘em down and tearing ‘em up.

Alex: And why have you been doing that?

Michael: Because if my mom finds out there’s an apartment here, she’ll want to move in immediately.

Alex: Oh, well that might be okay. We’re getting along pretty well.

Joey: Really? You think you’d want her as a tenant? Alright lets’ do a little role play, okay? I’ll be Gina and you come and ask em for the rent.

Alex: Okay. Gina-

Joey: (As Gina) Bite me blondie!

Alex: That felt so real. Okay, you know what, you’re right. This can’t happen. She’s crazy.

Joey: Whoa whoa Alex, we can talk about her like that but you can’t. That’s my sister.

Michael: Yeah, and that’s my mother.

Alex: Oh my god, I’m so sorry.

Joey: Ah, we’re just messing with you.

Michael: She’s crazy. So look, we have to find somebody else to live in that apartment. Is anybody interested in it?

Alex: No, I was thinking of having an open house.

Michael: Oh, oh, have one tomorrow. She has to go to San Diego for a wig convention.

Joey: Ooh, San Diego! Only twenty more days ‘til Sea World!

Alex: Okay, this can totally work. I just have to rent it to someone by tomorrow. I just wish my husband were here. He’s the real salesman in the family.

Joey: Really?

Alex: Yeah, the last apartment we had open, he rented no problem even though there was bad plumbing, faulty heating, and there’s mold in the walls.

Joey: Uh, weren’t we the last people to move in?

Alex: So, Sea World, huh?

[Scene : Joey and Michael’s house. Joey is polishing his crown for Richard III. Gina enters.]

Gina: Huh, all hail Kind Meatball.

Joey: Hey, you’re gonna come see my play tonight, right?

Gina: And pass up the chance to see you in makeup and tights? Haha, that’s gonna be Christmas card. So, you ready to go on?

Joey: Yeah, I got everything down except that damn opening monologue. Hey, what do you think about sitting in the front row and mouthing the words to me?

Gina: I don’t know it.

Joey: You know it better than I do.

[Phone Rings]

Joey: (On the phone) Hello. Uh huh. Oh. Okay, thanks. Bye. (Hangs up) Uh oh.

Gina: Fraternity test results?

Joey: No, that was the theater calling. I’m going on tonight.

Gina: You knew that.

Joey: Different theater. Different play.

Gina: What?

Joey: Well, I liked understudying so much I took another job. I- I over-understudied!

Gina: Why would you do that?

Joey: Well I figured if I understudied in more than one thing, it’s increase my odds of getting on stage.

Gina: you know, you think just enough to really screw things up for yourself.

Joey: I know! I know. I can’t believe this. What are the chances of two people getting sick at the same time?

Gina: Well, it’s flu season.

Joey: Get a flu shot!

Gina: You didn’t get a flu shot.

Joey: I’m not in a play! What am I gonna do?

[Michael Enters]

Michael: Hey Joey, there was a weird phone message for you. Your producer called and said you were going on tonight.

Gina: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hunny, he knows already. He’s in two plays tonight.

Joey: Actually I should hear this.

Michael: Okay, the message was Trent’s stuck in Florida so they need you to play the part of Gus.

Gina: You’re in three plays?

Joey: Ah, I was afraid it was Gus! Damnit Trent! Unprofessional, unprofessional, unprofessional!

Gina: So what’s the third play about?

Joey: (Confused) I don’t remember!

Michael: Joey, what are you gonna do?

Joey: Well, I don’t know. I can only do one.

Michael: Well hey, don’t do the one with the monologue in it because you don’t know that one very well.

Joey: But I haven’t studied the dancing in that cowboy thing at all!

[Joey tries to do the dance]

Joey: I don’t know it!

Gina: Oh, please do that one!

Joey: I can’t believe this. What are the chances? It’s like everything’s lining up to screw me! It’s the understudy perfect storm!

[Scene : Bobbie’s Office]

Bobbie: Joey, thank you for coming in. Listen, the reason that I called-

Joey: No no, you didn’t call me. I called you.

Bobbie: Oh, good. I was just about to make something up.

Joey: Okay, look Bobbie, I got a real problem and I need your help. I took an understudy role in this play-

Bobbie: Oh no, I hate plays!

Joey: That’s not the problem.

Bobbie: Oh, it gets worse?

Joey: Well I signed up to understudy in three different plays, and they all want me to go on tonight.

Bobbie: What? Oh, why can’t you just have a coke problem like everyone else?

Joey: I’ll give that some thought!

Bobbie: Alright, you have to do three plays at one. Well lucky for you, I am the queen of multi-tasking. Right now, as we are talking, I am doing butt clenches, and I’m learning Spanish in this earpiece. (Shows Joey her earphones) Me llamo Bobbie! I’m trying to seduce a Mexican soap star. Alright, let’s see if we can juggle these. All three plays are at the same time?

Joey: No, no, no. One starts a little earlier. Oh, and one I’m not in until the second act.

Bobbie: Great! You can do both of those, and for the third, maybe we can get the actor to go on.

Joey: How are we gonna do that?

Bobbie: Well, I’d offer to call and threaten to ruin his career, but it couldn’t do much worse – he’s doing a play.

Joey: Uh, maybe I can just go talk to him.

Bobbie: You do that. You’ll think of something to say. You’re a big, bright guy.

Joey: Yeah, yeah, I get that a lot.

Bobbie: Really? (Talking to the Spanish lesson in her earphones) Ah, enough of that “¿Donde esta la playa?” crap. How do you say “Take off my bra?!”

Joey: Quitame mi Brassiere.

[Scene : The courtyard outside Joey and Michael’s house. Alex is hosting the open house]

Joey: Hey, Alex, how’s the open house going?

Alex: Hey, we’ve had a few bites but no one’s really interested.

Joey: Ah, did you mention there’s a celebrity living in the complex?

Alex: There is? Who?

Joey: Uh, Sir Joey Tribbiani.

Alex: Oh yeah, well let’s keep that quiet. We don’t want the paparazzi crawling around here.

Joey: I hate those bastards always following me around in their helicopters. (Checks the sky for watching helicopters) Well, you better rent it soon because Gina’s gonna be back in a couple of hours.

Alex: Well, I’m doing the best I can. It’s not like I’ve got the greatest prospects here.

Joey: Don’t be so choosey. The important thing is to rent it to someone who’s not my sister, alright? And maybe someone who’s hot, and has Hollywood connections, and HDTV-

Alex: Get out of here!

[Joey walks inside his and Michael’s house]

Joey: Hey Michael, looks like there’s a lot of people at the open-

[Gina pops up from behind the counter. Joey didn’t know she was there.]

Joey: Hi Gina! You’re here. What happened to your wig convention?

Gina: A lot of stylists came down with the flu so they cancelled the whole thing.

Joey: Flu, you are killing me!

Gina: All right Michael, I’m just gonna get your laundry and I’ll be on my way.

[Gina Leaves]

Joey: How long has she been here? Did she see the open house?

Michael: No, she came before it started, but now she just has to stay ‘til it’s over. So how are we gonna keep her here?

Joey: Uh, oh wait, keeping her here will be easy. What’s her favorite thing to do in the world?

Michael: Telling us what to do.

Joey: Be more specific.

Michael: Uh, telling me what to do.

Joey: Exactly! So just, as her advice about something.

Michael: Uh, like what?

Joey: All right, don’t worry. I’ve been working on improve for my new theater class. Watch me think on my feet.

Michael: This is scary.

[Gina Enters]

Gina: Okay guys, I got your laundry. I’m gonna take off.

Michael: OK, you know what mom? Stay. Just ‘cause I wanna talk. I have a problem.

Gina: With what?

Michael: Well, it’s a problem with-

Joey: A girl!

Michael: Yes, with a girl.

Gina: Really? What’s her name?

Joey: Raisin!

Michael: Yes uh, her name is Raisin, and she’s a little bit-

Joey: Cajun!

Michael: ..She’s a little bit Cajun.

Joey: And her father’s a dirty cop!

Gina: (To Michael) Okay, I’m glad you came to me about this. Here’s what you’re gonna do.

Michael: Wait, you actually have some advice about my Cajun girlfriend Raisin?

Gina: First, there’s a few things you two need to get strait-

Joey: Okay, great. I’m taking off.

Michael: Joey, where are you going?

Joey: Well it turns out, time-wise I can still do Richard III and make it across town for the second act in the cowboy musical, so now I gotta convince the sick actor in the third play that he’s well enough to go on instead of me. (Stops to catch his breath) Okay, I’m ready.

[Scene : The sick actor’s (Tim’s) Bedroom]

Joey: Hey Tim.

Tim: Who are you?

Joey: It’s me, Joey, you’re understudy.

Tim: What are you doing here?

Joey: Oh, uh, your roommate let me in. I just really wanted to thank you for giving me the chance to go on tonight, and I want you to know that I am not going to let you down. I’ve been busy making the role of Henry my own.

Tim: You mean Henry?

Joey: (To Himself) Good thing I’m getting out of this one. (To Tim) Anyway, I just want to tell you a little story Tim. Do you like baseball?

Tim: Not really, but I like A-rod. He’s yummy.

Joey: Amen. Uh, anyway, you remind me of this first baseman, Wally Pip.

Tim: Why, did he die with an understudy in his room?

Joey: No, but he was sick one day and he allowed a young no-name backup to come into the game for him, and he never made it back into the line up. You know why?

Tim: Why?

Joey: Because his replacement turned out to be Lou Gehrig, one of the most beloved figures in baseball hitting almost 500 home runs.


Joey: You do know what a homerun is, right?

Tim: I’m not that gay!

Joey: Sorry. Anyway, I just want to leave you with that little story before I go out tonight and act one out of the park.

Tim: Wait, why are you telling me this? Are you threatening me?

Joey: If I was, would it work?

Tim: Is this some kind of All About Eve situation?

Joey: (Not knowing what he means) Uh, if it was, would it work?

Tim: You know, maybe I am starting to feel a little better.

Joey: Really?

Tim: Yeah, I think I can go on tonight.

Joey: Well hey, if that’s what you want Tim, I’m not gonna be the one to stop ya. If only I hadn’t stopped by!

Tim: You know, coming into here and trying to talk me into going on, you may be the worst understudy ever.

Joey: You have no idea!

[Scene : The Courtyard]

Joey: Hey, did you rent the apartment yet?

Alex: I did, finally. Actually to a really nice girl who just moved here from New York.

Joey: Oh, I hope it’s not someone I slept with and never called back.

Alex: I doubt it. I mean, what are the odds?

Joey: Actually, quite high. Come on, let’s go tell Michael the good news.

[Joey and Alex enter Joey’s house. Gina is still talking to Michael about Raisin.]

Gina: She really sounds worth fighting for, but remember, the Cajun are emotional people.

[Joey gives Michael the thumbs-up sign]

Michael: Okay, Mom. Uh, thanks for the advice.

Gina: And I want to meet this Raisin.

Michael: That’s actually gonna be difficult because she lives-

Joey: In a submarine!

Michael: She lives on a submarine.

Gina: All right, I’m gonna take off.

[Howard Enters]

Howard: Okay, okay. Keeping the secret’s been torturing me. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. I can barely Bowflex! Gina, there’s an apartment for rent across the way.

Gina: What?

Howard: They didn’t want me to tell you, but I want you to live here. I think you deserve to know, ‘cause you’re super, super pretty.

Joey: No more Die Hard for you, Howie!

Howard: Really? ‘Cause I just ordered pizza.

Joey: Bring it down and we’ll talk.

[Howard Leaves]

Gina: (To Alex) Did you know about this?

Joey: Hey, hey, hey, she had nothing to do with this.

Alex: It’s true. I would’ve rented it to you in a second. I love having you around. In fact-

Gina: Bite me blondie!

Alex: Okay..

[Alex Leaves]

Gina: Wow, so all day you’ve been trying to keep me from finding out about this place? You guys must’ve really not wanted me to live here, huh?

Joey: Look, Gina, I just thought it would be better for Michael.

Michael: Look, Mom, I’m sorry. I just, I like things the way they are. I like having my own space.

Gina: Me too.

Michael: What?

Gina: Look, there was a time not too long ago when I would’ve wanted to live there and be closer to you, but I have to say this is kinda working out for me. You know, I went strait from being a kid to raising a kid. I’ve never really lived alone before.

Joey: (Realizing) I’ve never lived alone either.

Gina: (To Michael) And it’s scary, but its’ nice. I got the whole place to myself. I can listen to bad music whenever I want. I can light my smelly candles that you hate, and I can take super long baths.

Joey: He’s always interrupting my baths..

Gina: I guess I’m figuring out who I am away from you. And it’s strange, but I’m kinda having fun.

Michael: Oh..

Gina: What?

Michael: It’s just, it’s weird. I didn’t want you to smother me, but now that you’re not doing it anymore, it’s actually kind of sad. I guess things are changing.

Gina: Yeah. In fact, maybe you should start doing your own laundry.

Joey: (To Michael) Haha!

Gina: And maybe you guys should start cooking for yourselves too.

Joey: Hey, you are this boy’s mother!

[Scene : The play. Joey is dressed as a king, practicing his lines backstage.]

Joey: Now is the winter of our discontent. What’s the next line? What’s the next line?! God, please, help me get through this and from now on I promise I will not understudy for more than two plays at once.

[The play starts. Joey walks onto the stage]

Joey: (As the King) Now is the winter of our discontent. Made glorious summer by this sun of York, and all the clouds that lowered upon our house in the deep bosom of the ocean buried. Now, are our brows bound with victorious wreaths? Our brusid arms hung up for monuments. Our stern alarms changed to merry meetings. Our dreadful marches to delightful measures.

[The curtain opens revealing Cowboys dancing. Joey realizes he’s doing the wrong play.]

Joey: Also, enjoy the cowboys!

[Scene : Joey, Michael, and Gina at Joey and Michael’s house]

Joey: Oh, I can’t believe I finally nailed that speech. It was in the wrong play, but still.

Gina: I would like to make a toast to my brother. To his LA stage, debut.

Joey: Aw, to acting.

All: To acting.

[They touch glasses]

Michael: Um, to independence.

All: To independence.

[They touch glasses]

Gina: Oh, and to Michael and Raisin.

All: To Michael and Raisin!

[They touch glasses]

The end

Voir la fiche épisode, le script V.O. et le script V.F.

[Scene : Joey and Michael’s house]

Joey: Do I smell Mom’s special chicken noodle soup?

Gina: That’s right. A box of Lipton’s and a cut up hot dog.

Joey: Man, that woman can cook! (Notices Gina smiling) What are you so happy about?

Gina: Michael. He’s sick.

Joey: And that’s a good thing?

Gina: Yeah, a sick boy needs his mother. I’m necessary again!

[Michael enters]

Gina: Oh, look at him. (To Michael) You look so pale.

[Michael scowls at her]

Joey: Dude, you look awful.

Michael: I feel awful. I think I got the flu.

Gina: Uh, don’t you tease me! Come on, sit down hunny. I want to take your temperature. (To Joey) Do you have a thermometer?

Joey: Uh, I think I do, yeah. When I left Days of Our Lives I took a whole box of stuff.

[Pulls out a box from under the counter]

Gina: They just let you take all that stuff?

Joey: Well, when you shove it down your pants they don’t seem to mind.

Michael: (Looking at some of the props) Why is there writing all over everything?

Joey: Oh that’s dialogue. I used the props as cheat sheets when I had to remember difficult medical jargon.

Michael: (Reading from one of the props) “Hi, I’m Dr. Ramoray”?

Joey: That took twenty takes. This stuff really takes me back. All those years of playing a doctor, I feel like I actually became one, ya know, and these were the tools of my trade. (Pulls out a reflex tester) Knee hammer. (Takes out an ear light) Ear looker. (Puts a stethoscope around his neck) Ah, necklace.

[Opening Credits]

[Scene : An audition studio]

Joey: Uh, hi, I’m here to read for the part of Outraged Man.

Lady: Just sign in right here.

Joey: Like hell I will! Sorry, I bet people have been doing that all day.

Lady: Nope, you’re the only one.

Joey: (Smiles) All right.

[Joey sits down between two guys. He starts talking with the one on his right]

Joey: There sure are a lot of people here for such a small part.

Man: There are no small parts, only small actors.

Joey: Do you mean…children?

Man: I kinda need to go over my lines.

Joey: Not me. I got it all right up here. (Thinks for a second) Nope.

[Joey tries to look on the man’s script, but the man walks away. So, the other man on his left offers.]

Brian: Hey buddy, you need to look on?

Joey: Hey thanks, man. (Looks at the script) Oh right. Got it.

Brian: I’m Brian Michael David Scott.

Joey: That’s a lot of names.

Brian: I’m a lot of actor.

Joey: I’m Joey Tribbiani.

Brian: Oh please, I know who you are. Dr. Drake Ramoray from Days Of Our Lives. I’m a big fan of your work.

Joey: Really? Oh, thanks, man. I’d offer you a Days Of Our Lives t-shirt, but I only got two left and I like to trade those for sex.

Brian: So I guess we’ll be seeing a lot of each other. Ya know, we’re probably up for a lot of the same roles -- male, mid-thirties, dangerous, but sensitive. Man, this audition is taking a long time, I’m gonna call my agent. (Takes out his cell phone) Speed dial. (On the phone) Hi, Lisa. It’s Bri-Mi. Look- Huh? What? You’re kidding. No, wait, wait, don’t blame yourself. I’ll call you back. (Hangs up) Bad news man, they cancelled this audition. They gave the part to someone else.

Joey: And no one here told us? Now I really am Outraged Man! Well who’d they give it to?

Brian: Probably someone who was willing to sleep with the producer. That’s the way this town works, right? There -- I said it!

Joey: Oh, I guess we can go then, huh?

Brian: You know what, you go. I’m gonna stick around. My apartment doesn’t have air conditioning.

Joey: Really great meeting you, Brian..

Brian: Brian Michael David Scott.

Joey: How do you feel about “Dude?”

Brian: Awesome, my brotha.

Joey: Alright.

[Joey leaves as the casting director walks out]

Casting Director: Joey Tribbiani? Joey?

[The casting director marks him off the list, and goes back into the studio. Joey walks back in the other door.]

Joey: Hey did- did someone say my name?

Brian: No, uh, no one did, but uh someday soon everyone will.

[Joey Smiles]

[Scene : Joey and Michael’s house. Joey, Michael, and Gina are in the living room.]

[Michael sneezes]

Gina: I’m gonna go get you some more tea.

Joey: Hey Gain, look, you’ve been here a couple days now without a break. Why don’t you let me take over? Ya know, go have a little “Gina Time.”

Gina: I don’t have “Gina Time” anymore. I’m a mother. I don’t go out. I don’t go on dates. I don’t have fun. I don’t do anything for myself anymore.

Joey: (Points to her chest, referring to her boob job) So you got those for Michael?

[Gina glares at him, and scares Joey, so he walks back over to the couch with Michael.]

Joey: Yeah, she’s not going anywhere. How you feelin’?

Michael: Not great, but everything’s gonna be fine tomorrow.

Joey: How do you figure?

Michael: Well, if she doesn’t leave by then, I’m gonna kill myself.

Joey: Don’t be so dramatic.

Michael: She said we’re gonna flush my system, Joey. I don’t know what that means.

Joey: Yeah, you’re grandmother was the same way when I was sick. I’ve had my system flushed -- makes you ask yourself some big questions.

Gina: (Gives Michael his tea) Here ya go. (To Joey) You gotta get up. Michael needs to take his nap in here.

Michael: She makes me take a nap every day at one. Not tomorrow though.

Joey: Alright alright, I’ll go watch TV in my room.

Gina: No, no, no, no, no. You can’t. I put this humidifier in there, it’s filling up with steam.

Joey: What? You just take over my room? I got private stuff in there.

Gina: Well if you’re worried about me reading your diary it’s too late. (Mocking Joey’s diary entries) “Dear Diary, Gina’s mean to me..”

Joey: That’s going straight in the book! Look Gina, I know Michael’s sick, but this is my apartment. I need some space.

Gina: Look, why don’t you just go to my place. You can stay there until he gets better.

Joey: I don’t wanna do that.

Gina: There’s lasagna in the fridge and I have Cinemax.

Joey: Get me the keys!

[Scene : An audition studio. Brian Michael David Scott walks out of the audition room.]

Brian: No no, thank you. It’s easy when the words are this good.

Joey: Dude.

Brian: Hey, Joey.

Joey: How’d you do in there?

Brian: Really well, Hey uh, I know we’re in competition for this thing, but if I don’t get the part, I hope that you do. How ‘bout that?

Joey: You are awesome.

Brian: No, I’m just Brian Michael David Scott, Joey.

Joey: Hey, you added a “Joey!”

[Casting Director enters]

Casting Director: Joey Tribbiani?

Joey: Yeah, right here.

Brian: Hey buddy, listen. I got some inside info on this audition and I wouldn’t feel right about leaving without sharing it with my new best friend.

Joey: Great, what do you got?

Brian: This casting director is deaf, so you gotta scream all your lines.

Joey: Thanks that is good to know.

[Joey enters the audition room]

Joey: (Yelling) “Maybe this isn’t the best place to tell you this, but I love you Sharon! I love you with all my heart! (Still yelling as he walks out the door) So when will I know if I got it? (To himself) What’s the middle finger in sign language?

[Scene : Bobbie’s office. Bobbie is on the phone as Joey walks in.]

Bobbie: Yeah well Mother, I don’t understand what you’re so upset about. So there going to remove your uterus. What do you need it for? I gotta go. Yeah, I love you too. Bye.

[Bobbie hangs up the phone]

Joey: Uh, what did you want to see me about?

Bobbie: I wanted to explain to you how the business works. See you book a job, and I get 10 percent. Do you know what 10 percent of zero is?

Joey: Let’s see, 6 goes into 40..

Bobbie: God! I have never wanted to slap you more! You’re ruining your career. You don’t show up at an audition. You scream at a casting director.

Joey: The only reason I did that is ‘cause he’s deaf.

Bobbie: Who told you that?

Joey: This actor. I see him at all my auditions. He gives me pointers.

Bobbie: Is he the reason why you went into an audition, you threw away your script and you started barking?

Joey: Yeah, did I get that part?

Bobbie: Aw, Joey, he’s messing with your head.

Joey: What?

Bobbie: Yeah, you’re little friend is shoving crap up your pooper! Joey, you’re such a sweet naive guy, but you can’t let people take advantage of you.

Joey: I can’t believe this.

Bobbie: Well, I can’t believe they take the fat out of my ass and put it in my lips, but they do!

[Scene : Gina’s House. Joey is in Gina’s bed, writing in his diary.]

Joey: “But then she surprises me. Like tonight, she generously offered me her place to stay. Well, I guess that’s all for now until tomorrow. Sincerely…Love, Joey. (He puts up the diary and goes to sleep)

[Cut to same scene. Time has passed. A man walks into Gina’s room and crawls into the bed with Joey thinking that it’s Gina.]

Roger: Hey babydoll.

Joey: What?!

Roger: What?! Who are you?!

Joey: Who are you?!

Roger: I’m Roger.

Joey: I’m Joey…well, that doesn’t help us at all!

Roger: I’m Gina’s boyfriend.

Joey: Gina doesn’t have a boyfriend. I’m her brother. I would know.

Roger: You’re her brother? Oh, you’re not supposed to know about me. Could you just pretend like you don’t know what’s going on?

Joey: I don’t know what’s going on!

Roger: Now all we gotta do is decide which one of us gets to stay-

Joey: Get outta here!

[Roger leaves and Joey gets his diary back out]

[Scene : Joey and Michael’s house. Gina is sitting at the counter. Joey enters.]

Joey: Hey. So, I found out about your little secret last night.

Gina: Oh my god, last night was Wednesday. I forgot. Poor Roger.

Joey: Poor Roger? Poor Roger’s bed buddy! That guy’s all hands!

Gina: Let’s not make a big deal about this okay. He’s just some guy I’ve been seeing.

Joey: So why didn’t you just tell me about him?

Gina: Because I knew you would tell Michael.

Joey: So?

Gina: So, he doesn’t like to know about that stuff. When he was twelve and I was seeing this guy, he built a BioDome in the backyard and he wouldn’t come out until I stopped dating him.

Joey:What’s a BioDome?

Gina: It’s like a nerd fort.

Joey: He’s an adult. Alright, you can tell him if you’re dating someone. It’s silly not to.

[Michael Enters]

Michael: What’s going on?

Joey: Okay Michael, come here. Your mother has something that she wants to tell ya. Have a seat.

[They all take a seat on the couch]

Gina: Look, you know that I’m a woman and that I have needs.

Michael: Well I don’t like the direction of this at all.

Gina: I’ve been dating somebody. It’s been going on a couple of months now. Look I know how sensitive you are, are you okay?

Michael: I’m fine. It’s just- I need some time to process this can you, can you just give me a minute?

Gina: Of course.

[Gina walks into the other room]

Michael: Yes, yes, yes!

Joey: Alright! What am I excited about?

Michael: Don’t you get it? She’s finally met someone. Therefore, I’m no longer the only thing in her life.

Joey: Wow, that is good.

Michael: It’s great! She could fall in love. They could get married. I mean, what if he’s one of those guys that wants to be with her every minute, and is jealous of her son, and he turns her against me..Think of it!

Joey: Yeah, yeah. We could be free. We could do whatever we want. We could walk around here naked.

Michael: We can! But let’s not..

Joey: Sorry buddy, my parts are begging to breathe.

Michael: We need to encourage my mom. I need to give her my blessing. Maybe we could have him over here. Yeah, yeah, this is incredible. It’s the greatest day of my life! Come here!

[They hug as Gina enters. Joey acts like Michael’s crying]

Joey: Oh, could you just, just give us a minute, yeah.

[Scene : An audition studio. Joey enters, and Brian Michael David Scott is already there.]

Brian: Hey, Joey. Listen, I’m next, but uh a little heads up on this casting director – she just had a boob job, and if you don’t comment on them right away she’ll get very upset.

Joey: Not this time, Brian Michael David Scott.

Brian: Hey, you got it right.

Joey: Yeah, I wrote it on my hand so I wouldn’t forget.

Brian: Why didn’t you just write it on a piece of paper?

Joey: Oh, you’d like that wouldn’t ya! Look, I know you’ve been screwing me out of all these jobs and I wanna know why right now.

Brian: Okay, okay, you wanna know why?

Joey: Yeah.

Brian: It’s because I’m intimidated by you.

Joey: Oh sure you are.

Brian: No really. When I saw you at that first audition I was like “I should just go home, this guy’s amazing.”

Joey: Yeah, well the director from yesterday doesn’t think so. I barked at him and licked his face!

Brian: I never told you to lick him.

Joey: I was in the moment!

Brian: I’m sorry I tricked you, but what am I supposed to do? I’m just a hack who’s lucky to get a job. You’re Joey Tribbiani. You’re a real actor.

Joey: Hey, look man, there are no real actors, only small children.

Brian: I can’t believe I treated you this way. I want to make it up to you. I’m next. They told me “Go in whenever you’re ready.” You take my place. I’m not even gonna audition.

Joey: Really?

Brian: Yeah, I’ve been a jerk. For me, please.

[Brian Michael David Scott opens the door for Joey]

Brian: Knock ‘em dead.

[After going through the door, Brian locks it and Joey's in a stairwell.]

Joey: Damn you! (Looks at his hand) Pick up milk! (Looks at his other hand) Brian Michael David Scott!

[Scene : Joey and Michael’s house]

Gina: Hey you guys, Roger’s gonna be here any minute to pick me up. (To Michael) Are you sure you’re okay meeting Roger?

Michael: Well, ya know, I can’t say it’s gonna be easy. I mean, the guy’s gonna take my mother away. I’ll try to keep an open mind.

[Roger knocks on the door]

Michael: God what a knock. I approve. Go to him.

[Roger Enters]

Roger: Hey, Gina.

Gina: Roger, you know Joey.

Roger: Know him? We were in bed together.

Joey: Hey, don’t kiss and tell, Rog.

Gina: And I’d like you to meet my Michael.

Roger: Hey, hey, little man.

Michael: (To Joey) He is the chosen one.

Gina: So why don’t you guys sit down and get to know each other.

Joey: Yeah, all right.

Gina: Perhaps a cocktail’s in order. I trust everyone here likes Jager?

Joey: So, we are so glad you’re with Gina. We’ve never seen her happier.

Roger: Really? She’s always yelling at me and calling me names.

Joey: No, no, no, no, no. That’s how we Tribbiani’s show affection. (To Michael) Nerd.

Michael: Washed up Soap-Actor.

Joey: Heh heh. Virgin!

Gina: Here we go, three Jagers and one NyQuil.

[Michael hands Roger a Jager]

Michael: Here ya go, papa. Oh, did I just call you that? It felt so natural.

Gina: Baby we better get going if we’re gonna catch that movie. I’m just gonna go fix my face so I look presentable for my gentleman friend. (She downs her Jager and growls)

[Gina Leaves]

Joey: So Rog, what do you do for a living?

Roger: Well, I was working for a big construction company in Newport, but I lost a toe on the job.

Michael: Oh man, I’m sorry.

Roger: Oh, don’t be. I made a ton of money off it. I mean one minute I’m standing on this table saw..drinking beer, and the next minute I got all these suits shoving checks at me.

Joey: Great.

Roger: Yeah, but I burnt that money pretty quick. So I gotta figure out a way to get some more cash.

Joey: Not another toe.

Roger: No, no, no. I’m gonna lose a finger. I’m thinking about losing a pinky. I mean, there’s so many ways you can lose a finger. You got drills, saws, sanders, punch presses. (Pretends to chop off his pinky) Whoops! Better not get used to using that one, huh? Phew.

Michael: Uh, well work’s not everything. I’m sure you have some cool hobbies.

Roger: I like a nice pair of jeans.

Joey: Jeans? That’s a hobby?

Roger: Well, I’m not professional or anything.

[Gina Enters]

Gina: We should probably get going.

Roger: Okay. It was really good to meet you guys. A little tip, if you slip in the movie theater bathroom and hit your head on the popcorn!

[Michael gives Gina the thumbs-up sign. Gina and Roger leave.]

Joey: What’s the matter with you? Don’t be doing this! (Does the thumbs-up sign Michael gave to Gina) That’s Roger after his next job!

Michael: Okay, so he’s different. The important thing is he likes her, and he’s taking her off my hands.

Joey: Whoa, whoa, Michael. That’s really selfish. What’s more important your space or your mother’s happiness?

Michael: My space. And I had to pretend to think about it.

[Scene : Joey and Michael’s house. Gina returns after her date with Roger]

Michael: How was your movie?

Gina: Eh, we were late. We drove by a Levi’s store and Roger got side-tracked.

Joey: We have to talk. Michael, anything you want to say to your mother about Roger?

Michael: I think he’s a keeper.

Joey: No he’s not. Gina, this guy’s a joke.

Gina: Look, I know Roger’s not the brightest, or the funniest, or the most ambitious..

Joey: But?

Gina: Well it’s not like I have a lot of choices. Most guys my age are looking to date twenty year olds, not go out with someone with a twenty year old. It’s the best I can do. I’m not a great catch.

Joey: What are you talking about? You could always have anyone you wanted.

Gina: That was a long time ago, Joey. Now I take what I can get.

Michael: Take what you an get? Mom, no, that’s not okay. You’re, you deserve a lot better.

Gina: I thought you liked him.

Michael: I did, but that’s when I was lying. I just thought that it would be good for you to have someone in your life, so you wouldn’t have to worry about me so much. I mean, I’m a grown man.

Joey: You’re gonna fill out some, right?

Michael: And you are a catch. Are you kidding me? You’re smart, and your funny, and you’re beautiful. All my friends have crushes on you.

Gina: Yeah well I’m like the third girl those guys have seen.

Joey: You just gotta hold out until you find someone great. Okay? And when you do, even that guy’s not gonna be good enough as far as I’m concerned.

Gina: Oh, Joey.

Michael: And you know, I wasn’t gonna tell you this before, but my fever’s back.

Gina: Oh, you’re so good to me!

[Scene : An audition studio. Joey is already there. Brian Michael David Scott enters.]

Brian: Okay look, I know you’re probably still man about that stairwell thing, but I saved you life! Right after you got locked in there, three masked gunman burst into the-

Joey: No more crap up my pooper! You are about to be very sorry you ever messed with Joey Tribbiani. Did you get a phone call from your agency this morning? (In a girl’s voice) “Hello Bri-Mi, it’s Lisa. The location of your audition’s been changed.

Brian: What?

Joey: The location wasn’t changed. That audition’s going on right now on the other side of town, my brotha!

Brian: I was perfect for that part!

Joey: Yeah well, too bad. You better think long and hard before you mess with me again, because from now on I’m fighting back. Are we clear?

Brian: Yeah. Except for one thing, if I’m missing that audition-

Joey: Oh yeah!

Brian: ..Aren’t you missing it too?

[Joey stops to think]

Joey: Come on, I’ll give you a ride!


Voir la fiche épisode, le script V.O. et le script V.F.

[Scene : The parking lot outside Joey’s building. Joey and Gina are in the car. Joey parks.]

Joey: Huh? I’m getting pretty good at this parallel parking. (He didn’t actually parallel park. He just pulled straight into a parking spot)

Gina: That’s not what this is, but okay.

Joey: You know, it was uh- it was fun site seeing with you. How’d you know where all those celebrities live?

Gina: I’ve done some light stalking in my day.

Joey: Oh, look at this poor guy (Referring to the owner of the car parked next to his) He’s got like 10 tickets and a boot.

Gina: I’ve seen this car. It’s been here for like a month. Who would leave their car like this?

Joey: Well whoever he is, he’s a big fan of mine. He’s got a stack of my head shots in the front seat.

Gina: Joey, when you bought your new car, you did return the rental, right?

[Joey takes out his keys, pushes the unlock button on one of the remotes, and the car beeps to show that it unlocked]

Joey: Nope.

[Opening Credits]

[Scene : Joey and Michael’s house. Joey and Michael are in the kitchen. Gina enters.]

Joey: Hey, what are you doing here so early?

Gina: I just had to get out of that salon. I hate work so much. I knew I shoulda been a corrections officer like that test said.

Michael: You’re still having problems with your boss?

Gina: Yeah! Viktor is such a creep. He’s always standing over me, and criticizing me, and telling me what to do. He’s like mom with a moustache.

Joey: Have you seen mom lately? (Whistles and indicates that his mom does have a moustache)

Michael: Hwy do you work at a job that makes you crazy?

Joey: Easy, college. In the real world, work isn’t always a picnic.

Gina: Please, you make pretend for a living.

Joey: Uh, I have done my time in the trenches.

Gina: Oh yeah, doing what?

Joey: Diggin’! What other job do you do in a trench?

Gina: Oh, I just wish I had my own place. This way instead of working for the horrible boss, I could be the horrible boss.

Joey: Oh, yeah, you’d be good at that. You’re always telling us what to do.

Michael: Oh yeah. (Imitating Gina) “Michael, don’t sit so close to the TV. You’ll go blind.

Joey: Yeah, or uh, “Hey Joey, get your hand outta your pants!”

Michael: Or “Michael, tell Joey to get his hand outta his pants!”

Joey: Well, so why don’t you open your own place?

Gina: Because I don’t have the money.

Joey: You must have some.

Gina: I did. (Points to her chest, indicating her boob job) Now I don’t. Ugh, all right I gotta get goin’ back there. See ya.

Michael: Bye.

[Gina leaves]

Joey: God, she seems miserable. I wish there was something we could do to help.

Michael: You could give her money, to start her own salon.

Joey: I meant like buy her cake.

Michael: You know what I mean. You’ve gotta have some money saved up.

Joey: I do, but that money’s a safety net for me, and besides, it’s not a good time for me to be spending money. I’m in a new city, I don’t have a job, and I got twelve hundred dollars in parking tickets…from a car I still haven’t returned!

Michael: Maybe it’s not a great time right now. It’s not like you have to give her all your money.

Joey: Look Michael, I can’t dip into my savings. Alright, there are harsh realities to being an actor. That money is specifically set aside in case I ever lose my looks.

Michael: What? Why? I mean, even if you turn ugly you’re such a great actor. You’ll still get tons of work.

Joey: That is weak dude.

[Scene : The courtyard. Joey is dipping his feet in the spa, and Alex is cleaning it out.]

Joey: I cannot wait for my entire body to feel what my feet are feeling.

Alex: How many hours a day do you spend in here?

Joey: Well, my record is 9, but uh…I was passed out for five of them.

Alex: Oh, one of the kids lost his little military men.

Joey: Oh, Sergeant Drop-kick!

Alex: So, Eric’s coming home tonight.

Joey: Your husband? Oh great, great. I finally get to meet him. He’s been gone so long.

Alex: I know, but now his orchestra’s playing in town.

Joey: Oh, what instrument does he play?

Alex: The viola.

Joey: (Thinks Alex was trying to say “violin” instead of “viola”) Lin. Violin.

Alex: (Laughs) Thanks. Listen, about Eric, there’s one problem. Um, I mentioned my new pal Joey to him, and I got the impression that he was a bit threatened.

Joey: Come on, by me?

Alex: Yeah, well I told him about the two of us hanging out, and I guess he thinks it’s weird -- his wife doing stuff with a single guy.

Joey: That’s ridiculous. I’ve always had women friends, and there’s nothing sexual about it. I love the way women think. I love the way they laugh. I love their soft hands. I love the small of their back. The curve of their -- oh I see why he’d be upset.

Alex: It’s not like anything would ever happen with us. And it’s a little insulting, like I can’t handle a couple of weeks alone. Like I can’t go that long. Like I just gotta have it, and any man will do.

Joey: Alex, it’s nothing to be ashamed of.

Alex: I do not have to have it.

[Joey looks at her funny]

Alex: I don’t!

Joey: Okay look, he’ll see that there’s nothing between us, and that he has nothing to worry about, and it’ll be fine, right?

Alex: Absolutely.

Joey: Yeah, and a little tip – Maybe, just maybe, if you knew the name of the instrument he played, he might not feel so threatened.

Alex: No, I know what a violin is-

Joey: There you go!

[Scene : Gina’s hair salon. Gina is cutting someone’s hair, and Joey enters.]

Joey: Hey Gina, sorry I’m late for lunch.

Gina: Oh that’s okay. I’m just finishing up here.

Joey: So uh, where’s this Viktor guy you keep complaining about?

Gina: Well around lunch time he either goes to the gun shop next door or the strip club on the corner.

Joey: Nice neighborhood by the way.

Gina: Tell me about your day. I’m bored stiff here.

Joey: I just found out that Alex’s husband thinks it’s weird that we hang out.

Gina: Well it is a little weird. I mean, a married woman and a single guy…

Lady: (The girl who’s hair Gina is cutting) Uh-oh, not okay.

Gina: Oh, you speak English. (Indicating to Joey how long they’ve known each other) 5 years! Well, you guys hanging out would be okay if you knew her before she was married - which you didn’t, or if you were friends with them as a couple – which you’re not, or if you were gay – which would be okay.

Joey: Would you stop with that!

Gina: (To the lady who’s hair she’s cutting) He’s an actor, the lines are blurred.

Joey: What, so you’re saying I can’t be friends with Alex?

Gina: No, just play it low while her husband’s around. Otherwise he’s gonna be threatened by you. You’re a good-looking guy.

Joey: Yeah, I guess you’re right. (Looks in the mirror) Sometimes I wish I was only an eight and a half.

[Viktor enters]

Viktor: Gina, I have some bad news – no pay check tonight. All money from register went down stripper’s panties. Who is dis? (Points to Joey)

Gina: This is my brother. He’s visiting me.

Viktor: Oh I forgot, this is not a salon. This is “Viktor’s House for Family Reunions.”

Joey: (Whispering to Gina) Uh, I’ll get out of your way.

[Joey sits down and trys to hide behind a magazine]

Viktor: The magazine is only for customer.

Joey: (Sets down the magazine) Okay.

Viktor: So is the chair.

[Joey stands up]

Viktor: So is floor.

Joey: Aw, come on!

[Joey pulls himself up on a coat hook so that he’s not on the floor. Viktor leaves.]

[Scene : Joey and Michael’s house. Michael enters.]

Michael: Hey.

Joey: Hey.

Michael: By the way the Rent-a-car’s still there.

Joey: (Looks at the bow he tied around his wrist) That’s what this is for! Oh hey, I went by your mother’s salon today. I met her boss.

Michael: Pretty horrible, huh?

Joey: Yeah. The guy’s like a Russian Joseph Stalin. I can’t believe she has to work there.

Michael: Well, there is a way to fix that. Give her some money.

Joey: Oh Michael, I don’t know.

Michael: Just think about everything she’s done for you. She found you this place. She- she made it into a home. If the situation were reversed, she’d do it for you in a heartbeat.

Joey: Yeah, that’s true.

Michael: And it’ll just be a loan. I mean, she’ll pay you back. In fact, she’d probably let you name the salon.

Joey: Oooo. The Hair Place. No, no, no. The Hair Up There. No, no, no. Captain Fabulouso’s Cave of Hair! Okay, okay, Let’s do it.

Michael: Really?

Joey: Yeah, yeah, it’s the right thing to do.

Michael: Oh, can I call her and have her come over so we can tell her?

Joey: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I’m just gonna take a quick dip in the hot tub, so say, two/three hours.

Michael: Alright.

[Scene : The courtyard. Joey walks out of his house. He doesn’t realize there is someone else in the hot tub.]

Joey: (Talking to his soldier toys) Okay, time for relaxation men. You’ve earned it. (Notices the other man in the hot tub. It’s Alex’s husband, Eric, but Joey doesn’t know that.) Oh, hi.

Eric: Evenin’.

Joey: Sorry, I’ll just try back later.

Eric: No, no, come on. There’s room in here for both of us.

Joey: Uh, not the way I hot tub.

Eric: Alright, well uh, I’ll try not to keep you and your men waiting long.

Joey: What, these? These aren’t mine.

[Joey throws the toy soldiers down, and one falls in the water]

Joey: (gasps)

[Eric takes the soldier out of the water and gives it to Joey]

Joey: Thanks. So I uh, I haven’t seen you around here before.

Eric: My orchestra’s been on tour.

Joey: Oh, you must be Eric, Alex’s husband. I’m Joey.

[When Joey reveals who he is, Eric’s smile turns to a frown]

Eric: You’re Joey?

[Joey nods]

Eric: Oh, thank God! (Laughs) Oh God. Man, that is great.

Joey: Yeah. (Laughs) What?

Eric: No, it’s just that Alex said she’d been spending a lot of time with you recently, and I was just- I was expecting something else. That’s all. Look, it is really great to meet you.

Joey: Yeah, you too.

[They shake hands]

Joey: Uh, so, we’re good?

Eric: (Laughs) Oh yeah. We’re good.

[Eric leaves]

Joey: Why are we good? (Looks at the ribbon tied around his wrist) What the hell is that thing for?

[Scene : Joey and Michael’s house. Joey enters]

Michael: Hey. So, mom’s on her way over and I’m looking at the commercial real estate listings. It’s like-

Joey: Hey! Do you find me threatening?!

Michael: Not until this very moment.

Joey: Alex tells me her husband is paranoid I’ll steal her away, then he meets me and suddenly everything’s fine!

Michael: Maybe he just thinks your not Alex’s type.

Joey: Please, I’ve done it lots of times where no one was anyone’s type. He doesn’t think I’m good looking. I can’t believe this. I’m about to give away my Lose My Looks fund, and now I’m actually losing my looks!

Michael: Joey, you look great. I mean, just the other day you were upon that step stool, and I couldn’t help admiring your calf muscle.

Joey: I kinda knew you were looking.


Gina: (From outside) It’s me!

Michael: Oh, I can’t wait to tell her about the salon.

Joey: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Why do you get to tell her?

Michael: ‘Cause you get to name it.

Joey: Oh that’s right!

[Michael opens the door]

Gina: I’m really trying to imagine what’s so important that it can’t wait until after JAG.

Michael: Alright, come on mom. Sit down. There’s something we want to tell you.

Gina: Oh my god. JAG got cancelled?

Joey: No, sit down. Sit down. Here. (Hands her a check)

Gina: What’s this?

Joey: It’s a loan. It’s not that much, but hopefully it’s enough to get you started.

Gina: Get me started with what?

Joey: Captain Fabulouso’s Cave of Hair!

Michael: Mom, it’s for your own salon.

Gina: Oh my god. Are you kidding me? No. No, this is to much.

Joey: No, no, no, no, no. We want you to have it.

Gina: This must be all the money in your lose your looks fund. Oh thank you. Thank you so much.

Michael: And um, I’m gonna cash in my savings bond too, which I know it’s not a lot of money, but it’s yours.

Gina: Oh honey, you’re so sweet, but I cashed that in like five years ago to help pay for your braces.

Michael: I didn’t have braces.

Gina: You guys are the best!

[Scene : Joey and Michael’s]

Michael: Hi.

Joey: Hey.

Michael: I’m gonna go into my room and study. What are you gonna do?

Joey: Well, I’m luring Alex’s husband over here with a pretend maintenance problem – ‘cause he’s the super, but my real plan is to prove to him that I’m sexy.

Michael: We lead very different lives, you and I.

[Michael leaves. Eric knocks on the door, and Joey answers.]

Joey: Hey.

Eric: Hey, uh, so there’s some kind of problem with the fireplace?

Joey: Yeah, the flue seems to be all clogged up and I was hoping to light a fire.

Eric: It’s eighty degrees out.

Joey: Ah, well I’m always chilly. I have very, very, very low body fat.

Eric: Yeah, well me too. Actually I’m about eleven percent. What about you?

Joey: Zero.

Eric: Okay, I’ll just- I’ll check out the fireplace.

[They walk over to the fireplace. A copy of Soap Opera Digest with Joey on the cover is in the fireplace]

Joey: Oh, would you look at what someone left layin’ around. Soap Opera Digest from 1997. Look at that, huh? Most sexy newcomer – Joey Tribbiani. Who writes this fluff? That’s an old photo too, back from my modeling days.

Eric: You were a male model?

Joey: Well, I was, but I was kicked out of the business for being too promiscuous. So you uh, you look like you could use a hand there.

Eric: Uh, no no, I’m good actually.

Joey: Oh, either way, maybe I’ll just roll up the old pant leg and lend a hand. Oh, barely fits over my muscular calves. Look.

Eric: Okay, alright, I see what’s going on here. You’re gay.

Joey: What? No! But if I was, I would be attracted to myself!

[Eric looks up into the fireplace and pulls out a huge wad of newspaper]

Eric: Well, here’s your problem.

Joey: How on Earth did a wad of newspaper get up there?

Eric: I don’t know but uh, it’s today’s paper.

[Alex enters]

Alex: Honey, Mel just called. Rehearsal got moved up an hour.

Eric: Oh gees, I better get a move on.

Alex: I’ll hold dinner.

Eric: Oh, no no. Uh, have it with Joey. And I opened a great bottle of wine. Don’t let it go to waste all right? And Joey, be careful, okay? When she drinks, she will want to dance for you.

Joey: Okay.

[Eric Leaves]

Alex: So do you want to come over-

Joey: What the hell was that?!

Alex: Oh, okay.

Joey: Your husband wasn’t threatened by me at all!

Alex: Oh, well that’s great.

Joey: No it’s not! Why isn’t he?

Alex: Uh, maybe he thanks you’re not my type.

Joey: Okay, I did not wanna have to do this, but take a look! (He shows her his calf muscle) Why doesn’t he think I’m a threat?

Alex: I don’t know, but if it’ll make you feel better, I guess I could ask.

Joey: Yeah, yeah do that as soon as he’s done playing his viola. Damnit! Now you got me sayin’ it!

[Scene : An empty building. Joey, Michael, and Gina are looking at it for her new salon.]

Michael: Now this is a nice space. There’s good street traffic. There’s great parking. Look, there’s already plumbing for a bunch of sinks. We could put those over here.

Joey: God, there’s so much room, you could practically roller skate in here. How good are you at cuttin’ hair in skates?

Michael: So what do you think of it?

Gina: It seems nice.

Joey: Nice? Gina this is definitely the best place we’ve seen. And once you sign the lease, you can order the equipment and start hiring people.

Michael: And then you can fire people. And you’ll actually have the authority to do it. Not like that time we went to Home Depot and you started firing anyone who wouldn’t wait on you.

Gina: Oh, I mean, I haven’t even said yes to this place and you already have me hiring employees.

Michael: Well yeah, there must be room for like six stylists in here.

Joey: Ah, they’re gonna have to learn how to skate too.

Gina: Six stylists? That’s a big operation.

Michael: Mom, you just gotta use a little imagination. We’re gonna paint the walls, okay, we’ll put some new tile down.

Gina: You’re kinda throwing a lot of stuff at me.

Joey: Ooh! If we put mirrors on this wall, and mirrors on this wall, then the bird and the fish can look at each other!

Gina: Bird and fish?

Joey: captain Fabulouso’s a pirate. Squawk!

Michael: Mom, I think we should take this place right now, ‘cause if we don’t, someone else will.

Gina: Maybe I should sleep on it.

Michael: Come on, you gotta make a decision!

Gina: I- I can’t do this right now. I gotta go.

[Gina leaves]

Michael: What did we do?

Joey: Oh you know what, I bet she wants this to be her place, and we’re totally telling her what to do and taking over.

Michael: Oh, I guess that’s true.

Joey: You guess? Come on, dude, some of your ideas were pretty stupid.

[Scene : Joey’s back porch. Alex is outside. Joey enters]

Joey: Hey, Alex.

Alex: Hey.

Joey: So uh, did you- did you talk to your husband? Did he tell you why he’s not threatened by me?

Alex: Oh, yeah, let’s just forget about that.

Joey: Uh, you did talk to him. I wanna know what he said. Maybe he thinks I’m too attractive -- thinks you could never get a guy like me.

Alex: No..and wow.

Joey: Then what?

Alex: Okay, well, he thinks you’re goofy.

Joey: Goofy?

Eric: Well he makes snap judgments about people, and he saw you as this out of work actor who sits in the Jacuzzi all day and plays with toys.

Joey: They’re not toys, they’re heroes, but..okay, all right. Great, mystery solved. Good to know. I’ll- I’ll talk to you later, okay?

Alex: Wait, Joey.

[They walk inside Joey’s house]

Alex: You don’t think that he’s right? That you’re goofy, do you?

Joey: I wanna say no, ya know? Then I look at these drawings of dragons I was doing all day, and..

Alex: But that’s sweet, and there’s much more to you than what he sees. I mean, you’re so good. I see how nice you are to everyone in the building, and to your nephew, and you gave your sister money to start her won business.

Joey: How’d you know that?

Alex: The walls are thin and I’m a little nosy. And, it’s not just the way you treat other people - It’s the way you treat me.

Joey: What do you mean?

Alex: You always ask me about my day. You know I’m lonely, so you include me in stuff. And to be this sweet and as great looking as you are – My husband may not be threatened, but maybe he should be.

[Joey looks at Alex, and she realizes what she just said]

Alex: (trying to cover it up) But, more than anything you’re just goofy.

Joey: Yeah. Yeah, and I got the dragons to prove it.

Alex: Yeah.

[Scene : Gina’s house. Joey and Michael knock on the door]

Gina: Come in.

Joey: Okay look Gina, we just came by to say that we’re sorry, all right? We were throwing a lot of ideas at you. Some of them were good, some of them were Michael’s, but we just want you to know that we are gonna back off.

Michael: Yeah, from now on the salon, it’s your project.

Joey: Yeah. You won’t be getting anymore input from us. (Really quickly) Although it would be cool if the fish was a Japanese Fighting Fish. Okay, I’m done.

Gina: You guys, that’s not why I was upset.

Michael: Then what, what was it?

Gina: It’s just, I don’t want my own salon.

Joey: Hey Gina, look, I know what it’s like to start something new. When I moved out here from New York-

Gina: Oh, I can not here this again. People move all the time. Get over it!

Joey: Wow!

Michael: It does seem to come up a lot.

Joey: The point is, it’s natural to be scared.

Gina: I am not scared. Just when we were looking at that place today, I realized I don’t want to start my own business.

Michael: You don’t?

Gina: No. It sounds like a lot of work. Don’t you realize that this is the first time since you were born that I haven’t had a ton of responsibility? And don’t get me wrong. Raising you was one of the best things I ever did, but it was work.

Michael: I thought you said I was a really easy kid.

Gina: Honey, the therapist told me to tell you that. I appreciate what you guys are trying to do, but at least you helped me realize that I’m too good to work for Viktor. I am gonan quit.

Joey: Hey, that’s great.

Michael: It’s awesome.

Gina: I know. I just finished writing my letter of resignation. (She shows them the letter)

Michael: Huh.

Gina: Do you this dumbass should be hyphenated?

Michael: Well, when it’s followed by that word and that word, I wouldn’t worry so much about the punctuation.

Gina: Oh Joey, you should know that I got a couple of different job leads and as soon as one pans out, I’ll give you back most of your money.

Joey: Okay. Most?

Gina: Ah, enough about me. How are you handling the move from New York?

Joey: I thought you would never ask.

[Scene : Joey and Michael’s House]

Joey: I did it. I am finally done with the rental car.

Michael: You paid all the tickets?

Joey: Uh huh.

Michael: You got the boot taken off? And you returned it to the right place?

Joey: Yes and yes. I am taking off this string. (He pulls up his shirt sleeve and unties it. He pulls up his other shirtsleeve to find another bow) Oh, what the hell is this one for?!


Voir la fiche épisode, le script V.O. et le script V.F.

[Scene : Joey and Michael’s House. Gina Enters carrying a box]

Gina: Hey hunny, I found a box of your stuff in the closet. You must’ve forgotten it in your big boy move.

Joey: Oh, what do we got there?

[Michael rummages through the box]

Michael: I think, oh-

Joey: Wow, look at all the trophies. I had no idea you were so into sports.

Gina: Heh, Michael into sports? Those are academic decathlon trophies.

Michael: Yeah. They’re actually just bowling trophies with the bowling balls cut off.

Joey: Ooh, I was wondering why all the smart people stood like this. (Does a bowling stance)

Michael: Oh, check this out. It’s a picture of my old decathlon team.

Joey: Oh wow, that’s your team, huh?

Michael: Yeah.

Joey: That girl’s actually kinda cute.

Michael: That’s me.

[Michael pulls a tape out of the box]

Michael: I wonder what’s on these. (Goes to play the tape)

Joey: Whoa, whoa, whoa, you’re just gonna pop a tape in, in front of your mom? Aren’t you worried that that might be something "adult-themed?"

Michael: Like, pornography? I’m not into that garbage. I think the fact that it’s so acceptable is- it’s a real embarrassment.

Joey: (Laughs) Ha, I love this guy!

[Michael puts the tape in. Gina, Michael, and Joey watch a video of a girl dancing while holding a drink in her hand.]

Michael: Mom, I guess some of your tapes got mixed in with mine.

[The camera zooms out revealing that the dancing woman is pregnant. Michael and Joey realize that it’s Gina. Gina covers her face with a magazine.]

Michael: Mom!

Joey: Yeah, not much slowed her down.

Gina: Alright, back then no one knew that was bad for your baby.

Michael: That was twenty years ago, Mom. They totally knew!

Joey: It’s ok. It’s ok, Michael. My mom partied when she was pregnant with me and I turned out pretty uh, I uh.. (Looks out the window) Hey, that’s the pigeon that took my sandwich!

[Opening Credits]

[Scene : Joey and Michael’s House. Alex is under the kitchen sink trying to fix the garbage disposal. Joey is reading a magazine.]

Alex: Alright, the disposal should work now. Flip the switch on.

Joey: Here we go. (Flips it on, but it doesn’t work)

Alex: Ugh, alright. Turn it off.

[Joey turns it off]

Alex: Uh, alright, turn it on.

[Joey turns it on, but it still doesn’t work]

Alex: Turn it off.

[Joey turns it off. He goes back to reading, but Alex thinks he’s still turning it on and off]

Alex: Ok, turn it on. (Joey’s still eating) Turn it off. (Still eating..)

[Alex looks out from under the sink and sees Joey eating reading instead of flipping the switch.]

Alex: (As she watches him do nothing) Turn it on. Turn it off. Thank you very much for your help.

Joey: Oh yeah, no problem. (He jumps as he turns and sees that she’s watching him)

[Gina and Michael Enter]

Joey: Hey, where’ve you guys been?

Gina: I took Michael underwear shopping.

Joey: Ugh, are you still wearing those things? (Clicks his tongue in disapproval)

Gina: (Noticing someone under the sink and tools on the floor) What’s the deal with this?

Joey: Oh, Alex is fixing the garbage disposal.

Gina: (To Alex) Oh my god that is so strange. From the next down I thought you were a boy.

Alex: Oh, from the neck down I thought you were a Hooter’s waitress.

Gina: Nice!

Alex: Thanks! I thought of it the other day.

[Alex Leaves]

Gina: (To Joey) You are never gonna believe who called me up the other day. Donna DiGregorio. She’s coming to LA. It’s a last minute thing.

Joey: (In a high voice) Donna? Donna’s coming here?

Michael: Why are ya talking that way?

Joey: (High voice) What? What way is that?

Gina: Remember my friend Donna from high school? He used to have a thing for her. He’d get all nervous and weird when she was around.

Michael: You?

Joey: It’s true, yeah. My experience with Donna is the reason I do not make fun of you when you get all weird around girls.

Michael: You make fun of me every time.

Joey: Oh come on, you are ridiculous!

Gina: We used to have some fun. She taught me a lot – how to dress, how to drink, how to pick up guys.

Joey: (To Michael) Yeah, she’s basically the reason you’re here.

Michael: I can’t remember her. What’s she like?

Joey: She’s everything you could ever want in a girl. Pretty? Yes. Funny? Yes. Smart? No! This could be fun, you know. I was always too afraid to go after her when I was young, but now that I’ve come into my own..

Gina: She’s married.

Joey: Stupid monogamy!

[Scene : The courtyard. Joey is reading a magazine, when Gina and Donna walk up behind him. Gina points to Joey, and Donna puts her hands over his eyes.]

Joey: Uh..

Donna: Guess who.

Joey: Uh, smells like hairspray, Juicy Fruit gum, and tequila...Donna DeGregorio! Hey, Donna.

Donna: Look at you, little Joey Tribbiani.

Joey: Wow, you look good. I mean, not that I didn’t think you would look good. I mean, not that I thought about how you would look at all. (Quietly to himself) Hold it together. You’re semi-famous now.

Gina: Can you believe how she looks now? She’s a spokes model.

Donna: (Sexy voice) This mattress clings to the contours of my body..

Gina: See? All that mattress experience paid off, huh? Oh, I can not believe you are here! And you look so good.

Donna: I know! So do you.

Gina: I know!

Donna: You should’ve been at the last reunion. Everyone looks like crap. They’ve either gotten fat or had weird plastic surgery.

Gina: (Covers up her chest to hide her boob job) Dumbasses.

[Alex Enters]

Joey: Oh, Alex. Hey, this is Donna. Donna, Alex. Donna is a friend of ours from high school.

Alex: Oh, pleased to meet you.

Donna: (To Gina) Is this the one you were talking about?

Gina: Yeah.

Donna: (Laughs) I see what you mean.

Alex: Oh great, there’s two of them now.

[Alex Leaves]

Donna: Hey Joey, can I use your phone?

Joey: Sure, yeah, you uh, wanna check in with your husband?

Donna: Oh, no. I just gave Gina the whole story. I’m gettin’ divorced.

Joey: Aww (He opens the door for her and she goes inside) Ohh..(Smiles)

Gina: No!

Joey: Yes.

Gina: No.

Joey: Why?

Gina: They just broke up. She’s very fragile.

Joey: I know. It’s gonna be so easy!

Gina: I am serious. She’s in the middle of a divorce. She doesn’t need you to complicate things. No, Joey. Donna was one of the few people who stuck by me when I got pregnant. Now that she’s going through a tough time, I would like to help her out. Her life’s messy enough without you.

Joey: What, you think I’m just gonna sleep with her and lost interest?

Gina: No, I think you’re gonna marry her like all the others!

Joey: Oh, come on.

Gina: Look Joey, this is important to me. There are plenty of other women out there. Just stay away from this one.

Joey: Okay, fine.

Gina: Promise?

Joey: I promise.

Gina: Swear on Grandma’s grave?

Joey: Yes.

Gina: The living one.

Joey: Damnit! Okay.

[Donna Enters]

Donna: I forgot to tell work I was leaving town. I’m supposed to be in a bikini jumping up and down on a trampoline right now.

Gina: What are you selling?

Donna: Blenders.

Gina: Well I gotta go get Michael. Wanna come? And then we could do some site seeing.

Donna: I think I’d kinda like to hang around here for a while, if that’s ok.

Gina: (To Donna) You get some sun. (To Joey) And you don’t get anything.

[Gina Leaves]

Donna: You know, I’ve been following your career. I guess some people are surprised you’re such a big success. Me? I’m shocked.

Joey: Me too.

Donna: You just always seemed so shaky and nervous around people.

Joey: Uh, yeah, I think that may have been more of a "Donna-specific" behavior.

Donna: Why?

[Joey looks at her weird]

Donna: (Realizing) Oh. Is that why you used to break dance for me?

[Joey break dances for her]

Joey: Shocking that didn’t work, huh? Yeah.

Donna: So, little Joey Tribbiani liked me. I can’t believe I didn’t pick up on that.

Joey: Oh, I can believe it. You had a lot of guys fighting for your attention. You are something else.

Donna: Aww.

[Gina has been watching them from behind a tree]

Gina: Hey, Miss Mattress, you’re coming with me.

[Scene : Joey and Michael’s House. Joey and Michael are watching old home videos.]

Michael: This is fun sorting through tapes. Only one more to go.

Joey: If this is another spelling bee I’m gonna put a fork in my eye.

[The tape shows kids at a baseball game]

Michael: This is weird. Why is there a tape of kids playing baseball?

Joey: Maybe you’re out there.

Michael: Pssh, I doubt it. I was awful at sports, but I also don’t like the idea of my mom just video-taping other children.

[On the video, a boy steps up to the plate with “Michael” on the back of his jersey]

Michael: That’s me. This is weird. Ya know, I do kinda remember playing Little League for a while. God, this is gonna be embarrassing. I don’t wanna see this.

Joey: No, no, no, no, no, no. If you let me watch this, afterwards I’ll show you a tape of me doing stand up. This guy heckles me and I totally lose it.

Michael: Deal.

Coach: Okay guys, back it up. We got Michael at the plate.

Michael: What? Even the coach is making fun of me?

Kid: Hey batter, batter, batter..

[Michael hits the ball]

Coach: Another home run for Michael!

Michael: Wait a minute, was I good at baseball?

Joey: It sure looks like it.

Michael: Why didn’t I know that? Why did my mother keep this from me?

Joey: (Watching the video) Why is that little boy peeing on third base?

[Gina Enters]

Gina: Hey.

Michael: Hey. Mom, was I good at baseball?

Gina: What are you talking about?

Joey: Why did you keep this from him? (Watching the video) And what did that kid drink?

Gina: Ok, you were a good ball player, but I pulled you out of it.

Michael: Why?

Gina: ‘Cause I was afraid you were gonna get hurt. I was just trying to protect you. Joey, will you tell him I was right?

Joey: I don’t know, Gina. I mean, I got hurt all the time when I was a kid. Yeah I got some scars, but each one taught me an important lesson. Don’t touch the stove (Points to his hand) Don’t run with scissors in your mouth. Don’t lick the peanut butter off a steak knife. (Sticks his tongue out)

Michael: You know, I don’t have any scars?

Joey: Or body hair. You think that’s related to this?

Gina: Look, I don’t know what to say. I’m sorry you don’t have any scars. I guess I was a terrible mother.

Michael: No, I’m just saying – I missed out on something important.

Gina: Well, thank God you moved out. Now you can play baseball and crack your head open all you want.

Joey: Crackin’ your head open – Always stay seated in the roller coaster. (Points to his head)

[Scene : Joey and Michael’s House. Donna Enters.]

Donna: (To Michael) Hi, you must be Michael. I’m your mom’s friend Donna.

Michael: (Stuttering) Oh, hi. I didn’t know you looked- loo, uh look- I mean, I had no idea that – that, that, that, that..

Joey: Right there with ya, buddy.

Michael: Nice to meet ya.

[Michael Leaves]

Joey: Hey uh, what are you doing here?

Donna: I don’t know. Well I guess I just wanted to come spend some time with you.

Joey: Why?

Donna: Why? Do you need me to break dance for you?

Joey: Oh..

Donna: See, I was out with Gina, and I love being with her but we were sitting there talking, and for some reason I stop thinking about her little brother and how nice he’d grown up.

Joey: Uh, you’re touching me. Don’t touch me. You can’t touch me. You can’t! You can’t! You can’t!

Donna: Wow, that’s the first time that’s ever happened before.

Joey: Oh no, no, no, Donna, I would love to spend more time with you, but I promised Gina that I wouldn’t do anything with you.

Donna: Why?

Joey: She thinks you’re in a weird place.

Donna: I’m not in a weird place. I’m in your apartment.

Joey: Oh God, you are the perfect amount of dumb! No, she thinks you’re in a weird place in your life. With the divorce, she’s afraid you’re a little fragile.

Donna: Oh, well, it’s too bad. It coulda been fun. We’re both very sexy. It’s funny, you like me and I don’t even notice you. Then I want you, and you can’t do anything about it. I guess it’s not meant to be. I’ll see ya.

[Donna starts to leave, but Joey kisses her]

Joey: Oh God, I have wanted to do that for so long.

Donna: Me too!

Joey: Really?

Donna: Actually it’s only been since this morning, but it’s been tough!

[Scene : Joey And Michael’s House -- The next morning]

Donna: God, I can’t believe I fell asleep. You should’ve woken me up. I gotta get back to Gina’s.

Joey: No, last night can’t end with you running out the door. Let me make you a proper breakfast.

Donna: Joey, I don’t have time for that.

Joey: Come on, how many eggs do you want?

Donna: Six.

Joey: (High voice) She’s perfect!

Donna: So, last night was really fun.

Joey: Oh boy, yeah, and not just the par that’s supposed to be fun. The talking, the sharing, and I finally get what all this “cuddling” fuss is about. I still can’t believe this is happening. I mean, you are like my dream girl.

[Gina bangs on the door]

Gina: (From outside) Michael, Joey, open up!

Joey: Oh my god, Gina! Uh, okay new plan – Last night ends with you sneaking out the back and rolling down the hill.

Donna: We’ll talk later.

Joey: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You gotta get out of here.

[Joey rushes Donna out the back door]

Gina: (From outside) What is taking so long?

Joey: Uh, I’m uhhh, naked!

[Joey wraps a blanket around himself to make Gina think he’s naked]

Joey: I’m just covering myself up!

[Joey opens the door for Gina]

Joey: Uh, sorry.

Gina: I don’t get people like you. Why do you gotta walk naked around your house?

Joey: Why you gotta walk around naked in public?

Gina: (Sarcastically) ‘Cause I like to make the world smile. (Serious) I’m really worried. Donna didn’t come home last night.

Joey: Uh, I’m sure she’s fine.

Gina: What makes you say that?

Joey: What makes people say anything, really? I mean, uh..

Gina: Was she here?

Joey: Gina! I made a promise!

[Gina walks into the kitchen and looks at the stove]

Gina: Only six eggs, this omelet isn’t for you. What’s going on?

Joey: It’s for Michael.

Gina: He only takes two eggs.

Joey: That skinny little bastard! Alright, look, I know I broke a promise, but I have a good excuse.

Gina: Oh yeah, what?

Joey: She is so hot!

Gina: This is unbelievable.

Joey: Gina come on, she’s a big girl. She can make her own decisions.

Gina: No, she can’t right now. That’s why I didn’t want you to mess with her.

Joey: I’m not messing with her. I really care about her.

Gina: Oh, like you cared about 10 of my friends in one-month time?

Joey: Ah yes, October of ’89.

Gina: I can’t believe you did this.

Joey: Wait! Hey wait a minute. This is different from all those other girls, okay? I mean, maybe it’s because there’s a history with Donna, but yesterday when I was with her, it was the first time since I’ve been in LA that I actually…that I actually felt like I was home.

Gina: Damnit, that’s nice.

Joey: Look Gina, I don’t want to upset you, okay? But I am really into Donna, and I wanna see her again tonight.

[Gina thinks about it]

Gina: You treat her right.

Joey: I promise. And not the kind of promise I made before – a real one.

Gina: So, you and Donna DiGregorio, huh? I guess the only friend of mine you haven’t been with is Jenny Wagner.

[Joey makes a guilty face]

Gina: October of ’89?

Joey: It was a good month!

[Scene : Joey and Michael at the Batting Cages]

Michael: You think I’ll still be good at this?

Joey: Oh, it’s like having sex on a bicycle – It’ll just come back to you.

[Michael does a practice swing]

Michael: How’s my swing look?

Joey: Like you’re good at science. Okay, try it again. Nice and hard this time.

Michael: Alright.

[Michael swings again]

Joey: Okay, I’m only saying this to be supportive and helpful – Are you kidding?

Michael: Just put some quarters in the machine!

Joey: Alright, alright.

[Joey puts the money in]

Joey: Shoot, I’m short one. Give me another quarter.

Michael: Um, go in the glove compartment-

[Michael reaches into his pocket to get his keys when a baseball hits him]

Michael: Ow! What the hell?! I thought you said you needed another quarter!

Joey: For a gumball!

Michael: For a-

[Michael gets hit with another baseball]

Michael: Ahhhhhhh!

[Scene : Joey’s and Michael’s House. Joey is chewing his gumball and Michael his an ice pack on his stomach]

Joey: Oh man, this is one good gumball. Still flavorful, ya know? I mean, when it came out yellow, I was all like “Whaaaat?!”

[Gina Enters]

Gina: Hey.

Joey: Hey.

Gina: (To Michael) What happened to you?

Michael: I was attacked by a gang of baseballs.

Gina: Ah, so you played?

Michael: Well I tried. Any talent I had before is now gone.

Joey: Long Gone.

Gina: Hunny, I’m sorry, but you were good at a lot of things. I had to make a choice. You could be the jock or the smart kid, and I figured being the smart kid would lead you more places.

Joey: She’s right. We actually went to school with a bunch of jocks, you know, and those guys are no where now. Except for the three guys in the NBA.

Michael: I just don’t see why you had to choose.

Gina: Maybe you’re right, but you gotta understand, when I made that decision – I was just a kid. I mean, when you were 5, I was twenty. That’s how old you are now.

Michael: Well, I mean, if I look at it that way, then I can forgive you for anything.

Gina: Good, ‘cause I also might’ve bathed with you for longer than it was


[Gina Leaves. Michael looks terrified]

Joey: See, you got scars – on the inside.

[Scene : The courtyard. Joey picks one of Alex’s white roses and pins it to his tux]

Alex: Oh, it took me three months to grow that, but help yourself.

Joey: Oh sorry, I uh, I got a big date tonight.

Alex: Really? Who with?

Joey: Uh, you remember Donna?

Alex: Yeah. Did I see her rolling down the hill this morning? Aw, look at you. You look so happy. Are you in love?

Joey: No.

Alex: Are you on the way to bein’ in love?

Joey: No.

Alex: Are you on the way to on the way to bein’ in love?

Joey: I think I might be!

Alex: (Laughs) Great.

Joey: Well, you have to understand, I had the biggest crush on this girl, you know? So I really built her up, and you’d think getting’ to be with her would be disappointing, but I gotta say – The real girl is even better than the fantasy.

Alex: But- So how is this gonna work? Doesn’t she live in New York?

Joey: Yeah. Yeah, she said she was toying with the idea of moving out here, but I don’t think it’s gonna happen.

Alex: Well you should tell her you want her to stay.

Joey: Yeah, you think?

Alex: Yeah. When I first met my husband, we had this great couple of weeks together and then I was supposed to leave for a job in Chicago, and he said “Please don’t go. I don’t ever want to be apart.”

Joey: That’s so sweet.

Alex: Yeah, and then he got out his viola and played Billy Joel’s “She’s Always A Woman” and I had to smile through it like this. (Imitates a really big fake smile)

Joey: But, so, you think if I ask her, she might stay?

Alex: Well, she’d be crazy if she didn’t want to because you are one of the last remaining good ones.

Joey: Really?

Alex: Yeah, really.

[She adjusts the rose on his tux]

Alex: There.

Joey: Thanks. Thanks a lot, Alex. (He starts to walk away, but turns around) Say Alex, if Donna does move out, maybe you and Gina and her could hang out and be friends.

Alex: Maybe (Does her big fake smile again)

Joey: Don’t “Billy Joel Smile” me!

[Scene : Michael and Joey’s House. Joey and Donna are getting ready for their date]

Joey: So I was thinking for tonight , I thought maybe we could uh, have dinner at this great little place in Marina Del Rey. Then after that, we can go to this desert only place I heard about in Newport, and after that I thought maybe we could go for a walk on the beach in Malibu.

Gina: That’s like 5 hours of driving.

Joey: Really? Why can’t they make maps the size things really are?! Alright, uh I’m gonna go change some of our reservations.

[Joey Leaves]

Gina: I can’t believe you are going out with my brother. Alright, I don’t want to get ahead of myself, but if you guys get married you should do it at the Polish Community Center on Queens Boulevard. It’s very classy.

Donna: I gotta talk to you about something.

Gina: What? You alright?

Donna: No. Gina, I feel really weird talking to you about this, but I’m confused and I don’t know what to do.

Gina: What’s the matter?

Donna: Ron just called. He wants to get back together.

Gina: And what’d you say?

Donna: I said I met someone else and that I would have to think about it.

Gina: You’re gonna tell Joey, right? You have to tell him.

[Joey comes running downstairs]

Joey: Okay, couldn’t change the reservations, so we gotta haul ass! You ready beautiful?

[They walk off and Gina watches them leave]

Gina: Aw Joey.. Those two would have some stupid kids.

[To Be Continued...]


Voir la fiche épisode, le script V.O. et le script V.F.

[Scene : Joey and Michael’s House – Gina and Michael]

Michael: Joey’s not back from his date, huh?

Gina: No. God, I can’t believe Donna’s telling him her husband wants to get back together. He’s gonna be crushed. So we have to be here to cheer him up.

Michael: Oh, of course. Man, it’s so weird for me to think of him as vulnerable, and not just because he always puts on a cape and jumps down the stairs.

[Joey Enters]

Gina: Hey, how was your date?

Joey: So great!

Michael: So, you didn’t talk about anything?

Joey: Oh, we talked about everything: movies, sports, those commercials where it seems like Howie Long and Teri Hatcher are married.

Gina: Unbelievable.

Joey: I know. What a weird couple.

Gina: What did she say when you asked her to stay?

Joey: Ah, I didn’t get around to that, but after tonight, I think she might want to.

[Michael and Gina look at each other]

Gina: (Sighs) Listen, Joey. There’s something I have to tell you about Donna – something she should’ve told you already.

Joey: Oh my god, we’re related?! Why so many cousins?!

Gina: No. Ron called her, and he wants to get back together, and she doesn’t know what to do.

Joey: What?

Gina: I’m sorry.

Joey: Wow. I can’t believe this. This sucks. There’s no way I stand a chance against Ron. They have years together.

Gina: Joey, wait. If you really want this, you have to fight for her. You have to pull out all the stops.

Joey: I’ve never had to fight for a girl before. I guess I’ve seen people do it in movies, but I can’t just make Donna choose me by winning the Super Bowl with the help of a talking dolphin!

Michael: I swear. We have 500 channels, and all you watch is HBO Family?

[Joey stares at Michael. Michael makes a sympathetic face]

Gina: Joey, look. You have the advantage. You’re here and he’s not.

Michael: It’s true. You know? This is your chance.

Joey: Yeah, you’re right. I can do this. I’m gonna fight for her and I’m gonna win.

[Joey opens up a cabinet]

Michael: No, you don’t need your cape.

Joey: Right.

[Opening Credits]

[Scene : Donna’s Place. Joey Enters]

Donna: Hey Joey.

Joey: Hey. Look, Gina told me about Ron. We need to talk.

Donna: Oh, I hate talking. Wouldn’t you rather make out?

Joey: Look, I like the way you deal with problems, but this is serious.

Donna: Joey, I’m sorry. I’m just so confused.

Joey: Well I’m not. Okay, and I’m willing to do whatever it takes to make this work, but I need you to decide what you want. Now it’s obvious how I feel, but you have to figure out how you feel. I’ve only been on the receiving end of that speech, so if you want advice on what to do now, I like to pretend I see someone stealing my car and just run out the door.

Donna: I just feel so torn. Ron and I have a lot of history, but on the other hand, things haven’t been good with him for a long time, and I feel like things could be great with you, but I don’t know!

Joey: Then give me a week. Okay? Let me show you what this could be. Let me prove to you that you should be with me instead of Ron.

Donna: I don’t know if I should make him wait that long. I told him about you and he flipped out.

Joey: So what? You deserve to be happy. Let me try to make you happy.

Donna: Okay, I’ll give you a week.

Joey: Great.

[They kiss]

Joey: All right, I’m gonna go plan it. What are your three favorite things?

Donna: Food. Sex. Watching TV.

Joey: See ya, Ron!

[Scene : Joey and Michael’s House]

Joey: Hey, Michael. I’m trying to plan this romantic week with Donna. You know any nice Bed-And-Breakfasts in the area?

Michael: Uh, actually, yes. Mom and I went to a great one in Santa Barbara. They thought we were a couple. They put rose petals on our beds. It was pretty disturbing.

[Alex Enters]

Alex: Hey, guys.

Michael: So you called my friend about your computer, huh?

Alex: Yes, he came by yesterday. Thank you very much.

Joey: What was wrong with it?

Michael: Oh uh, her Unix colonel couldn’t read command line prompts anymore, because the front side bus had stopped communicating with the memory cache.

Joey: (Smiles) I just love that a guy I’m related to says crap like that.

Alex: Anyway, he totally fixed my computer, and the best part is, he didn’t even charge me for it.

Michael: Well yeah, that figures.

Alex: What do you mean?

Michael: Well, you’re a hot girl. Hot girls get stuff for free.

Joey: Yeah, it’s true. It’s in the Constitution.

Alex: Look, I know what I am. I’m not a hot girl. I’m cute.

Michael: You’re a hot girl that doesn’t know she’s hot. Joey was telling me about those.

Alex: No, I know hot girls. My sister is one of them.

Michael: “The even hotter sister” – one of four ways a girl doesn’t realize she’s hot. Along with “Went to a girl school,” “Used to be fat,” and “Is blind.”

Joey: You have learned well, young Michael.

Alex: Okay, well say what you want, but that is not why he didn’t charge me. People don’t see me that way.

Joey: You ever get a speeding ticket?

Alex: No.

Joey & Michael: (In unison) Hot girl.

Alex: No, that’s because I talked my way out of tickets using my intelligence.

[Joey and Michael stare at her]

Alex: I am not a hot girl.

[Joey and Michael continue staring. Gina Enters]

Alex: I am not a hot girl!

Gina: I am. What do ya need?

[Alex Leaves]

Joey: Great, Okay Gina, you’re the perfect person to talk to. I have one week to convince Donna that she should be with me instead of Ron, and I’m trying to come up with stuff that she might be in to.

Gina: Uh, just give her what any woman would like. Take her away to a nice hotel. Buy her flowers. Take her to a fancy dinner.

Joey: (Writing down Gina’s suggestions) Great, great. What else?

Michael: Um, there’s a cool exhibit at the Museum of Natural-

[Joey pats Michael’s knee and shakes his head in disapproval]

Gina: Oh, you know where you should take her? Michael and I went to this great Bed-And-Breakfast in Santa Barbara They thought we were a couple. They put rose petals on the bed. It was amazing!

Joey: (Sarcastically) You guys should do that again.

[Scene : The Courtyard. Howard is having a yard sale]

Michael: Hey, Howard, Yard sale, huh?

Howard: Yep. Gotta make room for the new Howard. I’m on Atkins, I joined a coed softball league, so look out world! Everything must go, except my chair. I gotta have a place to sit. On account of the gout.

[Michael picks up a robotic dog]

Michael: So, broken, huh? You know, I could probably salvage the motion detector from this, but 50 bucks?

Howard: It costs a lot more than that.

Michael: Yeah, but it’s broken. How about 20?

Howard: I don’t think so.

Michael: Alright, 30?

Howard: How about you stop hogging Joey all the time?!

[Michael gives up and puts down the dog. Alex Enters]

Michael: Hey, hot girl. More free stuff?

Alex: No, I paid for this, and look, I know you think that “hot girl” is a compliment, but I don’t. You should see my sister and the stuff she gets away with. When she wants something she puts on this little act. (Imitating her sister) Oh, what a cute doggie. I wish I had enough money to buy him.

Howard: Oh, you like him?

Alex: I love him. I love you.

Howard: Take it.

Alex: What?

Howard: He’s yours.

Alex: So you’re just giving this to me because-

Howard: Yeah. Because.

Alex: ( To Michael) I am a hot girl!

Michael: I told you.

Alex: Oh, that’s so cool.

Howard: Oh great, hog her now too! Come on!

[Scene : Joey and Michael’s House - Michael and Gina. Joey comes downstairs]

Joey: Ok, I’m all set for Santa Barbara. Now, while I’m gone, don’t you do anything I wouldn’t do.

Michael: You mean read?

Joey: Exactly.

Gina: So, what do you have planned for Donna?

Joey: Uh, we’re going for a hot air balloon ride, wine tasting, and then horseback riding on the beach.

Gina: Oh, that sounds perfect. (To Michael) We never did anything like that!

Joey: You uh, you think she’ll like it?

Gina: Oh, honey, if she doesn’t, I’ll talk some sense into her.

Joey: No, no, no. You stay out of it. I don’t want you going crazy on her.

Gina: Why do you think I’d do that?

Joey: Please. You’re the only person I know who’s banned for life from two K-Marts.

Gina: I do not respect their return policy!

Joey: All right, I’m gonna go pick up Donna. I am so excited. I just want this to work so badly. I want her to forget all about Ron.

Gina: Oh Joey, don’t worry about him. He’s 3,000 miles away.

Joey: Yeah, you’re right.

[Pounding on the door]

Ron: (From outside) Donna, open up! It’s Ron!

Michael: If he’s 3,000 miles away, he’s loud.

[Gina lets Ron in]

Gina: Ron, what are you doing here?

Ron: I’m taking Donna back to New York. And while I’m at it, I figured I beat the crap outta Joey Tribbiani.

[Ron walks up to Michael, thinking he’s Joey]

Ron: What do you think of that, Joey?

Michael: Um, actually..

Joey: Kick his ass, Joe!

Michael: Uh, look, I’m not Joey, okay? (Points to Joey) He’s Joey.

Ron: Damnit, it’s never the skinny guy. Listen, I came here to get Donna. I’m not going back without her.

Gina: She’s not staying here. She’s-

Joey: Gone. Yeah. She uh, said it was over between us. (Pretend cries)

Ron: What, she just took off? I guess I could try to call her. Can I use your phone?

Joey: Yeah, yeah, sure. Whatever you need buddy. Here. (Hands Ron the phone) You want some privacy?

Ron: Yeah, that’d be great.

[Ron goes outside]

Gina: What are you doing?

Joey: You said you wanted me to fight for her? Okay, I’m fighting for her.

Michael: But you just lied to that guy. That’s wrong.

Gina: Michael! You embarrass me.

Joey: Look, Ron’s had 5 years to prove they should be together. All I want is my one week. And if I have to be crafty, okay, then I will.

Gina: Then why’d you give him the phone and let him call her?

Joey: ‘Cause I suck at crafts! Okay, we can’t let them talk. What do I do?

[Gina holds up the phone cord]

Joey: Gina! I’m not gonna strangle him with the phone cord. Oh, I get it, okay. Got it.

Michael: All right, so what are you gonna do?

Joey: Well, uh, okay, I’m just gonna take her away like I planned. Right?

She doesn’t even have to know he was here.

Gina: You go get Donna. I’ll take care of Ron. I’ll make sure he doesn’t get in your way.

Joey: Okay, you think you can keep him in the dark the whole time I’m gone?

[Ron comes back inside]

Ron: I tried calling but the phone went dead.

Gina: Uh, there was an earthquake. All the phone lines in the city are down.

Ron: Really? Ooh, wait. (Stumbles backwards) Was that an aftershock?

Gina: (To Joey) I think I can do it.

Joey: You’ll be okay. All right.

[Scene : Gina and Michael in the Courtyard]

Gina: (Reading a travel book) Oh, how about this place for our next trip? “nestled in the heart of wine country, private hot tubs, fireplaces in every room, a lover’s paradise.”

[Michael looks at her]

Gina: What? Get a girlfriend and I’ll stop doing this.

[Alex Enters]

Alex: hey. I got a free muffin at the coffee shop.

Michael: See, what’d I tell you? Mom, Alex has discovered that as an attractive woman, she can get stuff from people.

Alex: Yeah, now I’ve got Howard moving boxes down to storage for me.

[Howard walks by carrying a box]

Howard: This one’s really heavy. (Stammers)

Alex: This is so exciting.

Gina: Wait, all you’re having Howard do is move stuff for you? You could do a lot better than that, believe me.

Alex: What kind of stuff have you gotten?

Gina: Hmm. Free drinks, flight upgrades, concert tickets..

Michael: Piano lessons, SAT Prep courses..

Alex: Wow, the free muffin is like nothing. I guess I should think bigger.

Gina: you better, ‘cause when you’re on your deathbed, you don’t want to look back on your life and say, “I wish I had more free stuff.”

[Ron sticks his head out the front door]

Ron: Are the earthquakes over? Can I come out now?

Gina: No. We’ll tell you when. Get back in the closet.

[Scene : The Bed-And-Breakfast in Santa Barbara]

Donna: Oh, this place is so romantic. Don’t you love bed and breakfasts?

Joey: I’ve never actually been to one before which is weird because beds and breakfast are my two favorite things.

Donna: I bet I know what number 3 is.

[They kiss]

Joey: Yeah. Baby Tigers. Oh in the morning, would the lady like A Los Angeles Times or a Mew York Times?

Donna: Neither.

Joey: Excellent choice.

[Donna takes out her phone]

Joey: What are you doing?

Donna: I just wanna see if anyone called.

Joey: No, no. Don’t check your phone.

Donna: Why?

Joey: Because we’re here to get away from all this stuff. What’s so important that it’ can’t wait a couple of days?

Donna: Well, my ister was supposed to have a baby.

Joey: Shhh, let all those worries just wash away. Come on, let’s have some time just the two of us.

Donna: Well that does sound nice.

Joey: This is gonna be so great.

[Joey lifts her up and throws her on the bed which is covered in rose petals]

Joey: I have so many plans. We’re gonna go horseback riding, wine tasting, hot air balloon ride.

Donna: See, this is so wonderful. This is why I want to be with you.

Joey: You do?

Donna: Well yeah. Ron would never do anything like this. He never made an effort to let me know he cared. You’re about the big gestures. You’re fighting for me. He’d never fight for me.

Joey: Uh-huh. Yeah, um.. but you guys had other problems, right? I mean, what you had was never really special.

Donna: I wouldn’t say that. We were married. I may have blacked out for most of my wedding day, but I remember those vows.

Joey: Uh, if Ron were to do something to show you that he cared, like I don’t know, fly cross-country and beg you to come back, would that make a difference?

Donna: It doesn’t matter. He’d never do that.

Joey: Okay, look Donna. I uh.. I have to tell you something.

Donna: What?

Joey: You know how you said it was great that I brought you here, and that Ron wouldn’t do this kinda thing? Well, that’s not entirely true.

Donna: You didn’t really bring me here?

Joey: Oh, God, I’m gonna miss you so much.

[Scene : Gina and Alex in the front Courtyard]

Alex: Oh, hey. I wanted to tell you that I decided to take it to the next level with the whole “hot” thing.

Gina: Oh yeah? Good for you.

Alex: yeah, there are men in our apartment right now working, and I’m working it right back if you know what I mean.

Gina: Do you know what you mean?

Alex: “It” is my butt, maybe?

Gina: Sure, why not.

[Alex starts reading her mail]

Alex: Oh no.

Gina: What?

Alex: this is a bill from that guy who fixed my computer the other day. Ugh, I knew it. I’m not hot. I’m just cute. Oh my god, I think I stole that muffin.

Gina: Oh, hang on a second. This does not mean you are not hot. It just means you’re not “80 dollars hot.”

Alex: What about the guys in there? That’s a lot more than $80.

Gina: What are you having them do?

Alex: Stereo system. In wall.

Gina: Sub-woofer?

[Alex nods]

Gina: I’ll take care of this.

[Scene : Joey and Michael’s House - Michael and Ron. Gina enters]

Gina: I rock. I just got Blondie a new stereo system at cost, with free instillation, plus a trade discount… from a gay dude.

[Joey and Donna enter from the back door]

Ron: Hey, it’s Joey and Donna. Wait a minute.. She was with you the whole time?

Joey: Look, I know you’re mad at me, and you probably wanna kick Michael’s ass, but I’m trying to do the right thing, okay? And, I think you two should be together. So, why don’t you guys talk.

[Joey walks over to Michael and Gina. Ron and Donna continue talking]

Donna: So, what do you have to say to me?

Ron: I don’t know. What do you have to say to me?

Donna: I don’t know. What do you have to say to me?

Ron: I don’t know. What do you have to say to me?

Joey: Okay! Okay, uh, I don’t wanna speak for Donna, but I really want this night to be over, so.. Ron, Donna loves you. When we were driving over here, she told me that you understood her better than anyone in the whole world. And that she wants to spend the rest of her life with you, her soul mate.

Ron: (To Donna) That’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever said to me.

Joey: Donna, this guy has so much passion for you that he flew all the way across the country to say he loves you and that he’s not going back to New York without you.

Donna: (To Ron) I’ve never heard you talk like this before.

Joey: Okay, so I got you started. You guys can take it from here.

[Joey joins Michael and Gina again, while Ron and Donna talk]

Ron: …I miss doin’ you so much!

Donna: Really?

Joey: Okay! Let’s call it a night.

Donna: Bye, Gina.

Gina: Take care.

[Ron Leaves]

Donna: Oh, and Joey-

Joey: it’s ok.

Donna: No, I need to say this. I just.. it was real.. you know.

Joey: I know. It was great, and in another time, another place, it could have been something more.

[They hug. Donna Leaves]

Joey: I’ve never been the smartest person in the room before. That’s a lot of work!

Gina: I am so sorry, honey. That couldn’t have been easy.

Joey: It wasn’t. It just hurts so much.

Michael: Well, if it makes you feel any better, it could be worse. Once at this high-tech conference, me getting dumped by a girl was accidentally broadcast to lecture halls on 4 continents.

Joey: I feel like I’ve seen that.

Michael: It’s been going around the internet.

Gina: I’m so sorry it didn’t work out.

Joey: Me too. It was just nice having someone to take care of and do nice things for.

Gina: Yeah?

Joey: Yeah. I mean, usually eith me it’s “How little can I do?” and “How fast can I move on to the next thing?” Maybe- maybe I’ll try a little more of this.

Gina: You want me to fix you up with someone?

Joey: Uh, no. I think I’ve had enough of your friends for a while.

Michael: You want me to fix you up with someone?

Joey: (Laughs) Thanks, Michael.

[Scene : Joey and Michael’s House. Joey is sitting at the table. Alex Enters]

Alex: Hey.

Joey: Hey.

Alex: how you doing?

Joey: Eh, I’m working on an audition for tomorrow. I thought maybe I could use all this heart ache and stuff. You know, make my performance more powerful. Check it out. “Oh boy! Spicy sausages. Mama Mia!”

Alex: (Laughs) Oh, well I’m sorry you got left alone this weekend. Where are Michael and Gina anyway?

[Scene : Michael and Gina at the Bed-And-Breakfast in Santa Barbara]

Gina: Aw, this place is the just the way I remembered it.

Michael: (Looks at the bed) Yep, there’s those rose petals.


Voir la fiche épisode, le script V.O. et le script V.F.

[Scene : Joey and Michael’s House. Michael and Gina are in the kitchen. Joey comes downstairs]

Joey: Geez, Gina. I can smell your perfume from the top of the stairs.

Gina: I’m not wearing any perfume.

[Gina and Joey look at Michael]

Michael: The uh, the bottle said “unisex.”

Gina: How are you this morning?

Joey: I don’t know. I’m a little frustrated about my career. I mean, I came out her a couple of months ago with all these goals and I haven’t achieved any of them.

Michael: Like what?

Joey: I haven’t been on the cover of a magazine. I haven’t been nominated for an award. I haven’t been on even one “Best Dressed” list. What’s up with that? (He’s pulls at his t-shirt and sweatpants)

Gina: You were in a magazine. Last month you were in People. Unidentified male next to Nicole Kidman.

Joey: Well something good better happen to me soon. I wanna feel like I made the right decision moving out here.

Michael: Joey, why don’t you so something about it?

Gina: Yeah. Call your agent. Light a fire under her. Ooo. Let me do it. I will rip her a-

Joey: No, no, no. I’ll do it, but you’re right. Yeah, I should call her. I need work. Not being on TV’s even starting to affect my love life.

Michael: What? No.

Joey: Last night I went out to meet a girl. You know, for sex. And I realized when I moved out here, I lost a big part of my rap. I’m no longer “Joey Tribbiani, star of Days of Our Lives.”

Michael: Lines like that actually work?

Joey: Well, not as good as your man perfume. Now that I don’t have that, things are harder.

Michael: You know, I gotta say, I hate to delight in this, but it’s kinda of nice that for once you’re having a problem with women. I mean-

[A woman walks downstairs, clearly she slept over with Joey]

Woman: Hey, Joey. Thanks for a fun night.

Joey: Oh, yeah.. you take care.

[She leaves. Michael and Gina look at Joey]

Joey: I said it was hard. I didn’t say it was impossible.

[Opening Credits]

[Scene : Bobbie’s Office.]

Bobbie: (On the phone) Oh, well he’s just walking in right now. I’ll tell him (Hangs up) Great news, Joey. I just got you the lead in an Industrial Safety video!

Joey: What? No, no, no, no. I don’t wanna do anymore stuff like that. Look, Bobbie, I came to LA to take the next step in my career, and I feel like I’m taking a step back. You know, you got me doing these lame auditions, lousy commercials, that Mystery Dinner thing at Ted Danson’s house? I need things to change. Now.

Bobbie: Ooh, there’s the fiery Latin heartthrob that I took a chance on.

Joey: I’m not Latin, I’m Italian.

Bobbie: Italian? Oh. No! Italians are out this year. It may be time for you to call in your boy band connections.

Joey: I wasn’t in a boy band.

Bobbie: I can’t catch a break!

Joey: Look, Bobbie, you gotta do whatever it takes to get me something -- and something good. Otherwise, I’m gonna go out and find someone else who will.

Bobbie: Okay, look. Just give me one more chance. I will find you

something. There’s going to be no more celebrity parties, okay? No more cheesy commercials. Oh, and when you get home, just delete the message about MCing the dog show.

Joey: Alright. Okay. That’s more like it. Now, is there anything I can do on my end?

Bobbie: yeah, it’d be great if you had some connections. Who have you met in this business who’s powerful? I mean, someone who loves you, someone you trust?

Joey: Well.. just you, I guess.

Bobbie: Oh.. you sweet thing, come here. (She hugs him) Oh God, I could slap a diaper on you and nurse you right now. Aw, come on.

[Scene : The Courtyard. Alex is having a party. Joey Enters]

Alex: (Talking to a guest) Excuse me, just one minute. (Walks over to Joey) Hey, Joey.

Joey: Hey, Alex. Uh, what’s going on here?

Alex: Oh, I’m hosting an alumni event for Northwestern University.

Joey: No, no. I meant, there’s no mustard for the pigs-in-a-blanket? Where’s your head at, girl?

Alex: I’ll take care of it.

[Joey sees a guy across the room]

Joey: Hey, hey Alex. That guy looks familiar, but I can’t place him. Usually when I have that feeling it’s someone I slept with, but I don’t think it’s that.

Alex: (Laughs) He’s a movie producer.

Joey: Ooh. Hey, can you introduce me to him? My agent said I need to make some Hollywood connections.

Alex: Oh, yeah, sure. (To the movie producer) Hey, Steve. Come here. This is uh, my friend, Joey Tribbiani. He’s an actor. He just moved here from New York a couple of months ago.

Steve: Hey. Steve Carpenter. Nice to meet you.

Joey: Yeah, you too.

Alex: Now if you’ll excuse me, there’s a girl in there I hated in college and I’m now more successful than.

[Alex Leaves]

Steve: So, Joey, you don’t look familiar. Are you a Wildcat?

Joey: Well uh, I don’t like to brag about it, but I do okay.

Steve: You can go ahead and brag. We’re all proud we went to Northwestern. Go Wildcats!

Joey: Oh, I thought you meant..

Steve: Ya know, you should come in and audition for me some time.

Joey: Really?

Steve: Yeah, we like to look our for our own. That’s why they call us the Northwestern Mafia. Well, we’ve got alumni at every studio, network, and major talent agency in this town.

Joey: Then I am really glad I went there! Go, Wildcats!

Steve: Say, what year did you graduate? Wait, let me guess. Uh.. ’91?

Joey: Wow. Producer, or awesome year-guesser?

Steve: Now, who do I know that was ’91? Uh, Lance Beckman. Do you know Lance?

Joey: Uh, is he here?

Steve: No.

Joey: I was in his wedding!

Steve: You know, if you’re new in town, I should introduce you to the rest of the Northwestern Mafia. It’s too bad. I don’t think there’s anyone else here from ’91.

Joey: Aw, darn. That would’ve been a fun situation.

Steve: All right, come on.

Joey: Okay.

[They go inside]

Steve: ( To a group of guys) Hey, guys. Dave, this is Joey. Joey, this is Dave. Dave is an executive at Universal.

Joey: Oh.

Steve: Mark’s in television.

Mark: Hey!

Joey: Hey.

Steve: And Paul’s a feature director.

Joey: Wow.

Steve: Yeah, Joey’s the class of ’91.

Paul: Oh yeah, what dorm were you in?

Joey: Uh, a different one every night, if you know what I mean.

[They all laugh]

Mark: So what’d you study?

Joey: Uh, not much of anything, I’m afraid.

[They all laugh. Other guests start to sing]

Steve: Uh oh, fight song time. Shall we?

All: (Singing) Spread far the fame of our fair name. Go Northwestern, win that game!

Joey: (Still Singing) And then we’ll- (Notices that no one else is singing) Okay.

[Scene : Joey and Michael’s House – Gina and Michael are on the couch. Joey comes downstairs in a Northwestern t-shirt]

Michael: Where’d you get the Northwestern shirt?

Joey: Oh, I got it at an organizational meeting for next years homecoming.

[Phone Rings]

Joey: (On the phone) Hello?

Bobbie: Joey, I did it! I got you a huge audition for tomorrow.

Joey: That was fast. What happened?

Bobbie: Well, apparently your friend from Northwestern called the producer. And then the producer called me and offered you the position, and I said, “okay.”

Joey: That’s great! Okay, what’s it for?

Bobbie: Well, it’s a sexy new nighttime drama set in a mountain resort. It’s called Deep Powder. It’s Baywatch on skis, and it’s the dumbest script I ever read. It’s gonna be huge!

Joey: Alright!

Bobbie: Yeah, I’m gonna have my assistant fax you the audition scene as soon as I get off the phone.

Joey: Great, Bobbie. Thanks a lot. Bye-bye.

[Joey hangs up]

Gina: What was that about?

Joey: I got a huge audition for tomorrow.

Michael: That’s great. For what?

Joey: It’s a sexy new nighttime drama set at a ski resort.

Gina: (gasps) That sounds fantastic!

Joey: Yeah!

Gina: Oh my god, it’s not on against JAG is it?

Joey: No, well, I don’t know when it’s gonna be on. But this is definitely a part I can get, yeah. And it’s all because I told that guy I went to Northwestern. Lyin’ is awesome! Oh, I can’t wait to see the script. Bobbie’s gonna fax it over right now.

[Phone Rings – Joey answers it]

Joey: Hello? Stop calling here!

[He hangs up]

Joey: Damn it, every time I’m expecting an important fax, this jerk prank calls me.

Michael: What does he say?

Joey: Nothing! He just makes this annoying sound. (Imitates a Fax Machine sound)

[Scene : The Hallway outside the audition waiting room – A woman comes out the door]

Woman: Did you go to Northwestern?

Joey: Why, yes, I did.

Woman: Well, I graduated from Purdue three years ago.

Joey: (Confused) So..?

Woman: We’re rival schools.

Joey: Oh, yeah. Grrr. I hate you.

[They laugh]

Joey: Uh, Joey Tribbiani.

Woman: Katie Harper.

Joey: Yeah, listen, I got this audition now, but maybe we can get together some time and get to the bottom of this rivalry.

Katie: Maybe we can.

Joey: Yeah, well hey, you should give me a call sometime. (Hands her a card)

Katie: You have your number on a card?

Joey: I do this a lot. But also, you are very special.

[Joey enters the Audition Room]

Joey: Hi. I’m Joey Tribbiani. I’m here to audition for the role of Langdon Powder – the sexy young snowboarder with the secret past. Now I don’t wanna tell you to cancel the rest of your session, but I was born to play this role.

Lady: You’re not reading for Langdon.

Joey: Huh?

Lady: You’re reading for Langdon’s dad.

Joey: Langdon’s dad?! But I’m young and sexy, not some old, gray-haired guy in a dumb looking sweater. (Looks at the guy standing next – an old, gray-haired guy in a sweater) Hey, how you doing, buddy? Good luck on the audition.

[Scene : Joey and Michael’s House – Gina’s in the kitchen. Joey Enters]

Joey: Hey.

Gina: Hey, how did the audition go?

Joey: I did the stupidest thing I’ve ever done.

Gina: Come on, honey. Now we both know that is not true. Did they find out you didn’t go to Northwestern?

Joey: No, no, no. It’s not that. I spent all this time preparing for the wrong role. You know, and they wouldn’t even let me audition. And I would been so great at it. “If thrashing’s a crime, yo lock me up, ‘cause I don’t wanna live in a world where I can’t thrash to the extreme.”

Gina: That is great.

Joey: I know!

Gina: So’d you end up auditioning for the right part?

Joey: No, it was for the father. I’m not old enough to play the father of a teenager.

Gina: I had a teenager when I was your age.

Joey: But that’s different.

Gina: How?

Joey: Look, I don’t have time to pretend your life is okay. I have a problem!

Gina: Ugh, Joey, they called you in. You should just audition for the dad.

Joey: But I don’t know if I can pull it off. I have all these heavy scene with my kids in the show. I don’t know how to do that.

Gina: Look, I know this isn’t the kind of role you’re used to doing, but you can’t just give up ‘cause you’re afraid to fail, and I don’t think you’re gonna fail.

Joey: Really?

Gina: Oh, I hate doing this stuff to your face. Are you gonna make me compliment you?

Joey: I need it.

Gina: Turn around.

[Joey turns around]

Gina: I have seen everything you have done, and you are a great actor. And on top of that, I know you can play a dad because I’ve seen the way you are with Michael, and you’re like a father to him.

Joey: Aww, thanks Gina. Come here, give me a hug.

[They hug]

Gina: God, you’re such a girl.

[Scene : The Courtyard – Alex is on the phone]

Alex: I’ve been meaning to make a contribution, but it keeps slipping my mind. Well, yes, of course. I treasure my Northwestern experience.

[Joey walks out from his house. He’s also on the phone]

Joey: (On the phone) And I treasure mine. Now, if you’re willing to pledge 1,000 dollars-

Alex: Joey.

Joey: (To Alex) Oh, excuse me one second. (On the phone) Ma’am, can I call you back in a few minutes? I’m not able to speak freely.

Alex: (Points to the phone) It’s me.

Joey: (Quietly into the phone) If you can hear me wave your hand.

[Alex waves her hand]

Alex: Why are you calling me from my alumni association?

Joey: Well, I didn’t know it was you. The sheet says “Alexis Garret.”

Alex: That’s my full name.

Joey: Ooh. Sexy.

Alex: Joey, why are you pretending like you went to Northwestern?

Joey: Because your friend Steve though I went there and he got me an audition. Now he’s asking me to do all this alumni stuff. I can’t say no.

Alex: But you’re lying.

Joey: Alex, isn’t doing whatever it takes to achieve your dreams, what Northwestern’s all about?

Alex: No!

Joey: Oh. Then what is it about? I have to give a speech at the next alumni dinner.

[Scene : The Courtyard – Joey and Howard]

Howard: Hey.

Joey: Hey, Howie.

Howard: What are you doing?

Joey: Well I got a big audition today, so I’m just going over my lines.

Howard: Can I help? I have acting experience. I was one of the Honeycomb kids.

Joey: Sure. Okay. (Hands Howard the script) You have the first line.

[They both stand there silent]

Joey: Did you have any lines in those Honeycomb commercials?

Howard: No I did not.

[Joey goes inside – Michael is sitting by the fireplace]

Joey: Michael, listen. I’m leaving for my audition in a few minutes. Will you run through the lines with me? (Hands him the script)

Michael: Sure. Yeah. What’s the scene about?

Joey: uh well, I’m being overprotective of my daughter, because her mother died in an avalanche that I may or many not have caused. uh well, I’m being overprotective of my daughter, because her mother died in an avalanche that I may or many not have caused. Yeah, there’s a great speech about it later where I curse the elements. “Damn you, mountain! Bring her back!”

Michael: So, I’m the daughter?

Joey: Mmm hmm.

Michael: Alright, do I have to read it with like a high girly voice?

Joey: No.

Michael: May I?

Joey: No.

Michael: Okay. Alright, so..

[The door opens – Howard walks in]

Howard: I can do it now. I want another shot.

Joey: That’s ok. Michael’s already doing it.

Howard: Can I be his understudy?

Joey: Sure.

Howard: Great!

Michael: “Hi, Daddy.”

Joey: “How are you doing? Is something the matter?”

Michael: “Why won’t you let me go to Haley’s sleepover party?”

Joey: “Because, there’s a blizzard coming. You could get snowed in.”

Michael: “You don’t have to worry about me so much. Look at me. I’m a big girl now.”

Joey: “I can see that. I bet your friends think it’s pretty lame that your old man wants to hold on to you so tight.”

Howard: Aww. If I had functional tear ducts, I’d be crying right now.

Joey: Really? Was I good?

Michael: Actually, I got a very strong Dad vibe from you.

Joey: Thanks, Michael. I got a strong little girl vibe from you. Alright, thanks you guys. I’m gonna go get this part. I still gotta go pick up your mom. She’s coming with me for moral support. Alright, wish me luck.

[Someone knocks on the door]

Thomas: Hi, my name’s Thomas Wheeler. I’m here for my Northwester alumni interview.

[Joey slams the door in his face]

Joey: (To Michael & Howard) The guy I met at Alex’s asked me to interview this kid as a personal favor. I completely forgot.

Howard: How are we gonna get out of this?

[Joey opens the door]

Joey: Sorry about that. Come on in.

Thomas: Oh, thank you sir. I brought a copy of my high school transcript, as well as a letter of recommendation from-

Joey: Yeah, I’m kind of in a time crunch here, but you seem like a fine young man. I’m giving you my full recommendation.

Thomas: Well, what about all my questions? What about the English department? Is there a strong pre-law program?

Joey: Uh, college isn’t all about academics, Thomas. So, why don’t you hang out here and have a good time. That’s kind of our motto at Northwestern.

Thomas: Oh, I thought it was “Quaecumque Sunt Vera.”

Joey: No, no. We changed it.

[Scene : The Audition Studio]

Gina: Okay, you go over your lines. I will take care of the competition. (Sits next to one of the men auditioning) Hi. You reading for the role of dad? You like Jager? Huh?

[The camera focuses on Joey. Katie enters]

Joey: Hey, Katie.

Katie: Hey, Joey. It’s good to see you again.

Joey: Yeah, I was thinking about you. There’s a Northwestern-Purdue game on this Saturday.

Katie: Mm, you wanna come over?

Joey: You read my mind. You like football?

Katie: No.

Joey: Neither do I. Okay, I’ll talk to you after my audition.

[Casting Director Enters]

Casting Director: Okay, thanks for you patience everyone. We’re going to start reading now. (Looks at Gina) Oh ma’am, I’m sorry, but we’re not reading for the part of Angry Prostitute until tomorrow.

Gina: (Smiling) Oh, I’m not an actress, but thank you!

Casting Director: Okay, uh Joey we’re ready for you now. Oh, and I’d like to introduce you to Katie Harper. You’re going to be reading with her.

Joey: Oh, uh, I thought the scene was with me and my daughter.

Casting Director: That’s right. We cast her in the part. We’re gonna see if you two have chemistry.

Joey: (Worried) I think we might!

[The Casting Director, Joey, and Katie enter the audition room]

Joey: (To himself) You can do this. She’s your daughter… and you’re going to jail.

Casting Director: Whenever you’re ready.

Katie: Hi, Daddy.

Joey: How you doin’? I mean, how are you doing? Is everything all right?

Katie: Why won’t you let me go to Haley’s sleepover party?

Joey: Because there’s a blizzard coming. You could get snowed in.

Katie: You don’t have to worry about me so much anymore. I mean, look at me. I’m a big girl.

Joey: (Voice-Cracking) I can see that. I bet your friends think it’s pretty lame that your old man wants to… hold on to you so tight.

[The casting directors look at each other]

Katie: I-I like it when you do that.

Joey: You’re my special.. little girl.

Katie: I love you, Daddy.

Joey: And I love you too. Now come give Daddy a kiss.

Casting Director: Okay, thank you! Please, never have a daughter.

[Joey goes back out to the waiting room]

Gina: Hey, how’d it go?

Joey: Terrible! Why’s my daughter have to be so hot?! I told you I couldn’t play a dad. Come on.

Gina: No, no, no, no. You go back in there and try it again.

Joey: I can’t. I am too turned on by that girl.

Gina: Joey, you are an actor. Act.

Joey: But I can’t stop thinking about sex.

Gina: You wanna stop thinking about sex?

[Gina kisses Joey]

Joey: Argghhh! What the hell are you doing?! That’s disgusting! You’re my sister.

Gina: And that is your daughter. That is even worse. Now you go back in there and you ask if you can try again.

Joey: Oh, okay. Yeah, you’re right. (Spits) Thanks.

[Scene : Joey and Michael’s House – Joey and Gina get back from the audition]

Joey: Hey.

Michael: Hey. How’d it go?

Gina: Joey sucked the first time, but then I-

Joey: Uh, your mother helped me in a totally normal way.

Michael: So, you feel like it went pretty well, right?

Gina: Wait a minute. What’s that look on your face. You know something?

Michael: What’s the best news I could give you.

Joey: Uh, they fixed the vending machine. Oh, we got a ping-pong table. Oh! Kool and The Gang got back together?!

Michael: Okay, I’m going to have to try this a different way. Uh, you are Langdon Powder’s dad.

Joey: Who?

Michael: You got the part!

Joey: I got the par- I got the part? I did it! I did it!

Michael: Congratulations.

Gina: Congratulations! Oh, Joey, I’m so proud of you.

[Gina kissed Joey]

Joey: Okay.. but that’s the last one!

[Scene : A Restaurant]

Steve: Hey, Joey.

Joey: Hey, Steve.

Steve: How’d that audition go?

Joey: Great. Oh, thanks so much for settin’ that up. I got the part.

Steve: All right. Go Wildcats.

Joey: Yeah, but not Purdue. We hate them.

Steve: (Laughs) yeah. Wait a minute, I’m here with your buddy. (Calls out to a guy on the other side of the restaurant) Lance, come here. You gotta see who this is.

[Lance walks over to them]

Steve: Huh?

Joey: Hey, it’s me Lance Beckman.

[Lance looks confused]

Joey: Joey. I was in your wedding.

Lance: No, you weren’t.

[Steve looks at Joey]

Joey: Ok, look Steve. I have something to tell you… this man is not Lance Beckman!


Voir la fiche épisode, le script V.O. et le script V.F.

[Scene : Joey and Michael’s House – Joey and Michael]

Joey: Hey, Michael. Who was that girl last night?

Michael: I wasn't with a girl.

Joey: No, the one I brought home. I can never remember her name.

[Knocking on the door – Michael leaves, Joey answers it]

Bobbie: There he is. The star of the new show, Deep Powder.

Joey: Bobbie, hi. Come on in. Wow! What are you doing here?

Bobbie: How would you like to go to Las Vegas and be a celebrity judge? It would be great publicity for your new show.

Joey: Bobbie, I told you. I don’t wanna do stuff like that anymore.

Bobbie: It’s a beauty pageant.

Joey: Anything for the show!

Bobbie: It’s Miss Southwestern USA, but they need you to leave for Vegas tonight.

Joey: Tonight?

Bobbie: Well, you weren’t their first choice.

Joey: Oh, okay, alright fine. Uh, what’s involved in judging?

Bobbie: You have to look at beautiful women and rate them on a scale of one to ten. Can you do that, Joey?

Joey: (Surely) I’ll give it a try. Ok, this is great, but uh, why did you come by to ask me? You could’ve just called.

Bobbie: Well, I like to give my clients the personal attent-

[Michael Enters]

Bobbie: Michael! You are here.

Michael: Oh, gosh, uh…

Bobbie: Well, you’re filling out nicely. Couple more months and you’ll be ready.

Joey: Um, okay. You know what – thanks for stopping by, Bobbie. Here you go. (Hands her her purse)

Bobbie: All right. (Stares at Michael and inhales deeply) Oh, yeah!

[Bobbie Leaves]

Michael: You know, part of me thinks I should just-

Joey: She would eat you alive.

[Opening Credits]

[Scene : Joey and Michael’s House – Joey]

Joey: (Looking at pictures of women in People magazine) I’m going to make a great judge. Seven. (Turns the page) Six. (Turns the page) Ooh, four. Aww, what a cute puppy. Eight.

[Gina Enters]

Gina: Hey.

Joey: Hey.

Gina: So, you ready for your beauty pageant?

Joey: Yeah, I’m really excited, you know. I’ve never been in a position before where my opinion mattered. My judgment could change someone’s life.

Gina: Joey, it’s just a beauty pageant.

Joey: (Gasps) You bite your tongue. You are talking about the Miss Southwest-something-something-something.

Gina: Wow, didn’t know you were taking it so seriously.

Joey: Well, yeah. This is a big step for me, you know. It says I’m a part of the community of celebrities, you know. It says that I can be trusted to judge fairly.

Gina: It says that Corbin Bernsen dropped out last minute.

Joey: It does say that.

[Alex Enters]

Alex: Hey, guys. (Hands Joey a packet) I think this is for you. Someone left it by my door by mistake.

Joey: Ooh, this must be my V.I.P. packet for Vegas!

Alex: Oh, why are you going to Vegas?

Joey: I’m judging a beauty pageant.

Alex: Blech.

Joey: What?

Alex: My sister did pageants. I find them degrading to women.

Gina: Aw, you jealous of her?

Alex: Very.

Joey: Oh my god, there’s some great stuff in here.

Gina: Whoa, what’d you get?

Joey: I don’t know if I can share this with you. This is a V.I.P. packet. You guys are just R.F.s – Regular folk.

[Gina steals the packet from Joey]

Gina: Ooh, comped room, free buffet, front row seats to a Celine Dion concert.

Alex: (Gasps)

Gina: You don’t really like her do you?

Alex: No, no. I just like to go to her concerts as a joke with a bunch of other hilarious people that I met on her website.

Joey: Well you can have these if you want.

Alex: Really?! Wait a minute, is this a prank? Did Sheila from Team Celine put you up to this?

Joey: No, really. You can have the tickets.

Gina: I can’t believe you like Celine Dion.

Alex: Oh, what? I’m sorry it’s not Whitesnake.

Gina: You got a problem with Whitesnake?

Joey: Okay, alright, okay. No one is lookin’ good here. And oh by the way Alex, if you want to catch a ride with me I’m leaving in an hour.

Alex: Okay, great! I’ll go pack.

[Alex Leaves]

Gina: Wait a second, why does she get to go to Vegas and I don’t?!

Joey: No one said you couldn’t go. Why is anger always your first response?

Gina: I really don’t know.

Joey: Look, I have a free suite. Why don’t you and Michael join me?

Gina: That’d be fun.

Joey: Yeah.

Gina: Oh God, Michael’s not gonna want to go. He hates Vegas.

Joey: Alright, well what if we put him in the car and don’t give him a choice?

Gina: Ooh, I’m supposed to pick him up from Cal Tech. We should kidnap him!

Joey: Ah, yeah. Let’s do that.

Gina: All right. This is really exciting. We’re really gonna go. Wait, I’m not dressed for Vegas.

Joey: Gina, you’re always dressed for Vegas.

[Scene : Joey, Gina, and Alex in a car outside Cal Tech]

Alex: Okay, just so you guys know, ‘cause we’ve got a long drive ahead of us, when you throw trash out of the car, it just comes back here and hits me in the face.

[Michael walks out of the Cal Tech building]

Gina: Ooh, there’s Michael. We shouldn’t tell him we’re going to Vegas. Let’s think of a place we know he’ll wanna go.

Joey: Ooh-ooh, let’s tell him we’re going to go get ice cream. No, no, no. Then he’d be really mad when he finds out we’re not. Now I’m mad we’re not getting ice cream.

Michael: (Walks up to the car) Hey. Why are you guys all picking me up?

[Joey, Gina, and Alex just smile at him]

Michael: And why are you grinning like idiots?

Joey: He’s on to us. Drive!

[Joey grabs Michael by his shirt and pulls him into the car. Gina drives off]

[Scene : A casino in Vegas]

Alex: Oh my god, I can’t believe we’re here.

Gina: (Looks at Joey with his sunglasses on) Joey, come on. We’re inside now. Take off the glasses.

Joey: Hey, hey. I am here as a celebrity judge. Celebrity! Okay, people expect certain flair, all right? The sunglasses say, “You may not know who I am, but yeah, it’s me.” Huh? All right. Fine. (Takes off the sunglasses)

Alex: Oh, I better get to my concert. I can’t believe I’m gonna see Celine. It’s like seeing The Beatles.

Gina: Yeah, except she’s like a bony-chested French-Canadian you want to punch in the face.

Alex: Oh really, I can’t remember what state-of-the-art theater was built in Vegas for Whitesnake.

Joey: (Trying to get Alex to leave) Is that Celine?

Alex: Oh! Ooh!

[Alex Leaves]

Joey: All right! Vegas!

Gina: Wow, those girls are hot.

Joey: Hey, hey, hey. That is for me to judge.

Gina: You’re gonna have a fun weekend.

Joey: No, no, no. The rules say I can’t fraternize with the girls. I have to be impartial. Otherwise it would be unfair to the show’s producers, the contestants, and the good people at Mike’s Hard Lemonade and Spike TV.

[Michael Enters wearing a big yellow trucker hat]

Michael: Hey, guys.

Joey: Hey.

Gina: Hey, there you are. So what do you think – we’re gonna have some fun in Vegas?

Michael: I don’t think so. I’m just gonna go up to the room and study.

Gina: Look, I know you didn’t want to come, but I promise we’re gonna have a good time.

Michael: Mom, will you please let me go back to the room?

Gina: No, you’re not going anywhere. Now stop sulking and take off that stupid hat.

[Gina pulls Michael’s hat off]

Michael: I’m not- Mom-

[A woman walks by]

Woman: (To Michael) Hey, nice to see you again, sir.

Joey: Who was that?

Michael: I have no idea.

[A man walks by]

Man: (To Michael) Welcome back sir we’ve missed you.

Joey: What’s going on? How come more people are recognizing you than recognize me?

Michael: All right, fine. I come here, okay? A lot.

Gina: You do?

Michael: Yes, I come here with a bunch of my friends from Cal Tech to play blackjack. We.. we count cards. We win a lot of money.

Joey: Oh my god, Michael’s interesting!

Michael: Don’t use my real name. I’m here under an assumed name.

Gina: Oh, this is too much. I am not buying it.

Michael: Okay, I’ll prove it to you.

[Michael walks over to one of the dealers]

Michael: Hey, Sal.

Sal: Hey, Dr. Rodriguez. You shaved your moustache.

Michael: Yeah, well, the wife couldn’t take it anymore. You know?

[Michael walks back over to Joey and Gina]

Gina: Oh my god. You have been lying to me and doing shady things in Vegas? I have never felt closer to you!

Joey: I can’t believe you count cards. It’s like I got my own rain man. Ooh. (Drops 2 quarters on the floor) How much is that?

Michael: 50 cents.

Joey: That’s spooky.

Gina: I want to count cards with you.

Joey: Yeah, we gotta do this.

Michael: No, I don’t think that’s a good idea.

Gina: Come on, we can rip off the casino together – like a family!

Michael: All right, how ‘bout this. Let’s sleep on it. I’ll teach you first thing in the morning.

Joey: Oh yeah, that’s actually for the best. Yeah, I have an early pageant meeting. Gotta get some rest. You know, go to bed.

[A woman walks up to Joey]

Woman: Were you on Days of Our Lives?

Joey: With her.

[Scene : The Pageant Meeting]

Man: Welcome.

Joey: Hi, Joey Tribbiani. Long-time pageant fan, first-time judge.

Man: Well I’m Jerry, the pageant producer.

Joey: Oh. Hey, sorry I’m a little late. I had kind of a crazy night, but it’s not gonna interfere with my judging duties. I am so honored to be here. To me, there is no more noble endeavor than rating hot chicks. Watch.. (Looks at a woman) Four.

Jerry: That’s my wife.

Joey: Out of five!

[Bob Saget Enters]

Bob: So, Jerry..

Jerry: (To Joey) I want to introduce you to Bob Saget. This is Joey Tribbiani. He’s another one of our celebrity judges.

Joey: Wow, Bob Saget.

[Joey reaches out to shakes his hand. Bob just stares at him.]

Bob: I don’t like to be touched.

Joey: So, wow, are we judging this together? I’m on the same level as you?

Bob: Well, that depends. How much you gettin’ paid for this?

Joey: You’re getting paid?!

Jerry: Okay, everybody, I want to take this opportunity to the judges to the finalists, so here they are. Miss Tucson… Miss Santa Fe… Miss Reno… and Miss Laughlin.

[Miss Laughling comes running into the room]

Miss Laughlin: Sorry I’m late. I had a crazy night.

Joey: Hey, hello again. Nice sash. (Realizing) Ooh..

[Scene : The casino – Gina, Michael, Joey]

Joey: Hey, guys, guys. I just did something bad.

Gina: Okay, here’s the story. You were with me until 10:00. Michael you saw him go to bed at-

Joey: No, no, no, no, no, no, no. It’s nothing like that. I hooked up with one of the contestants.

Michael: Did any of us think that wasn’t gonna happen?

Joey: It wasn’t my fault! She didn’t tell me she was a contestant.

Gina: It didn’t even come up?

Joey: You guys heard every word we said to each other. Okay, now I can’t be impartial. What am I gonna do?

Michael: Well, you could resign.

Joey: Or, I could hook up with the other four finalists.

Michael: Well then none of them will have an advantage. It’ll level the playing field.

Gina: Joey, I gotta say..

Michael: Yeah, please.

Gina: That is brilliant!

Joey: Yeah, yeah. This is too important. I have to preserve the integrity of the Miss Southwestern USA pageant.

Michael: By hooking up with all the contestants?

Joey: Hey, I didn’t ask for the solution to this horrible problem to be wonderful, it just is.

[Joey Leaves]

Gina: All right, come on. Teach me this card counting thing.

Michael: All right, here’s how it works. When I want you to come over to the tale to start betting, I’m gonna run my fingers through my hair. Also, we need a verbal signal for you to stop betting. So, my friends and I usually just work the name of a US President into the conversation. So if I say “Garfield..”

Gina: Cat! Hates Mondays! Lasagna!

Michael: Okay, maybe we’ll try something else. Uh, what’s a subject you know a lot about?

Gina and Michael: (In unison) Alcohol!

Michael: Ok, great. All right, so I’m gonna mention alcohol, and you stop. Now one more thing..

Gina: Make it fast. I’m getting kinda full up here. (Points to her head)

Michael: All right. The Pit Boss cannot find out if we know each other. If he does, he’ll take us to the back room, and very, very bad things happen in the back room.

[Joey Enters]

Joey: Hey. Hey, okay. The Miss Southwestern Teen Pageant is in Ballroom B. I almost just go myself in a lot of trouble.

[Scene : The Casino Restaurant – Joey and Miss Reno]

Joey: Hi, I’m Joey Tribbiani – one of the judges.

Miss Reno: It’s nice to meet you.

Joey: So, (Looking at her sash) Miss.. Reno. Where are you from?

Miss Reno: (Laughs) Reno.

Joey: Ah. Okay, this small talk isn’t working. I’ll cut to the chase. I assume you want the judging to be fair and impartial?

Miss Reno: Of course.

Joey: Walk with me. I’m gonna tell you about an interesting way that we can ensure that that happens.

Miss Reno: But I was just going over some literature for my platform statement.

Joey: Oh, well, let me take a look. What issue have you chosen?

[Joey picks up one of her pamphlets]

Miss Reno: Abstinence.

oey: Okay, I’m gonna go build a little momentum and then get back to you.

[Scene : The casino bar – Joey and a woman]

Joey: Oh, Debbie, whatever you just said sounds very interesting.

Debbie: So, you want to come back to my room?

Joey: I’d like that. And you can feel good, because you are ensuring a fair competition.

Debbie: Competition? What competition?

Joey: Are you not in the Miss Southwestern USA Beauty Pageant?

Debbie: No.

Joey: Then why’d you tell me you were from Tucson?

Debbie: Because I am from Tucson.

Joey: Well, this is just great.

Debbie: Are you coming back to my room or not?

Joey: I’m sorry, you seem like a nice girl. Here. Here’s a pamphlet on abstinence.

[Scene : The casino – Joey, Miss Albuquerque, and Miss Santa Fe]

Joey: Miss Albuquerque, Miss Santa Fe, you two are together. Great. I’m a little behind schedule because someone from Tucson just wasted a lot of my time. So.. you two are both New Mexicans, huh? Do you guys like each other?

Miss Santa Fe: Yeah.

Joey: Really? How much?

Miss Santa Fe: Uh, we’re actually sharing a room.

Joey: That is great news.

[Jerry Enters]

Jerry: Joey, we’re having a special emergency meeting. There have been some improprieties with contestant-judge relations. Please come with me.

Miss Santa Fe: See you at the pageant.

Joey: I wouldn’t bet on it.

[Scene : The Beauty Pageant Meeting Room]

Joey: I would just like to remind everyone that I filled in as a last minute replacement for Corbin Bernsen, and I think that that should count for something.

Jerry: Okay, the reason that we’re here is that one of the contestants, Miss Laughlin, has had improper relations with a judge.

Joey: Maybe it was an irresistible judge, and no one’s at fault.

Jerry: The rules could not be clearer on this issue. As a result, we are disqualifying Miss Laughlin from the competition, and we will be passing her name on to the US Council on Beauty Pageants, Dog Shows, and Rodeos.

Joey: Are you gonna disqualify the judge?

Jerry: Actually, since the pageant is in 3 hours, we don’t have that luxury.

Joey: Oh, well, hold on a sec. That doesn’t seem fair. That’s a double standard.

Jerry: I’m sorry?

Joey: Well, it takes two to tango. The judge is just as guilty as she is, and well as much as it pains me to say it, if she’s gonna go, he should go too.

Jerry: I guess you’re right.

[Joey starts to get up]

Jerry: Bob, I think you should leave.

Bob: Nice speech, Gloria Steinem. Jackass.

[Scene : The Casino]

Gina: Hey, there you are.

Joey: Hey.

Gina: How’d your plan work out?

Joey: Oh, well it turned out Miss Laughlin, that contestant I slept with, was even sleazier than me. And Bob Saget thinks I’m a jackass! How’s it going with you?

Gina: Oh, great. I was just taking a little pee break. I gotta get back. This card-counting thing is amazing. We are way ahead.

Joey: Oh, really? I wanna come watch.

Gina: Oh, okay. But the casino can’t know me know each other. So Michael’s “Dr. Rodriguez” and I’m “Victoria from England.” (Normal voice) That’s why I’m talking in this British accent.

Joey: (Sarcastically) It’s good!

Gina: I know.

[They walk over to the blackjack table]

Dealer: Welcome back.

Michael: Yeah, we missed you, Victoria.

Gina: And I missed you, Dr. Rodriguez. Now sit upstraight.

[Joey walks up to the table]

Joey: (In a Texas accent) Hey, ya’ll. Name’s Dusty. Just flew in from Texas, and I got a hankerin’ to watch me some blackjack.

Michael: Oh, God..

Joey: You know what I like about Vegas? You can sit down at a table full of strangers, yet they all feel like family.

Man: Oh, thanks!

Joey: Not you, sir.

Dealer: (To Gina) Dealer bust. You win again.

[The Pit Boss walks over to their table]

Pit Boss: (To Gina) Hi, you’re having quite a run of luck tonight.

Gina: I know.

Pit Boss: I’m Kevin, the Pit Boss.

Gina: Really! Uh, does anyone at this table think I should stop playing and go get some alcohol?

Joey: Why don’t you just order your drinks from a waitress? That way you can keep playing, get a little extra money. Maybe, I don’t know – buy a family member a pinball machine.

Michael: I don’t know. If the lady wants to leave, Dusty, I think you should let her.

Joey: Was anyone talking to you Dr. Rodriguez?

Gina: (Grabs her handful of chips) Okay, I’m done.

Pit Boss: Wait a minute. You’re not going anywhere.

[Gina looks scared]

Pit Boss: …without your breakfast voucher. You’ve had a great night, and I hope you come and stay with us again.

[Gina grabs the voucher with her mouth and leaves]

Joey: Well, adios muchaco.

[Alex Enters]

Alex: Joey! There you all are. I just got back from my third Celine concert. They were identical.

Joey: I’m not Joey, I’m Dusty.

Pit Boss: Wait a minute, you guys all know each other?

Alex: Oh, yeah! These three troublemakers are my neighbors back in L.A. Wow, Gina, you have so many chips. Oh, I bet Michael helped you, ‘cause he’s such a math genius.

Pit Boss: Okay, I want all of you to come with me now to the back room. Now.

Joey: Dag nab it, this sure is one Texas-size mess.

[Scene : The Back Room – Pitt Boss, Joey, Gina, Michael, and Alex]

Pit Boss: Stay right here. I’ll be back.

[The Pit Boss Leaves]

Alex: Is it just me or does that man seem like he was mad at us for something?

Michael: We we’re counting cards. They’re gonna- they’re gonna kill us. You guys, I’m freaking out.

Gina: It’s okay, baby. You wanna know what scared is? Finding out you’re pregnant at 16.

Joey: That’s nothing. You wanna know what scared is? One time this big mouth almost flew into my mouth!

Gina: That does not top my story.

Joey: No? Okay.

Alex: You guys, what are we gonna do?

Joey: Uh, oh! Oh! I know how we’re gonna get out of this.

Michael: What? You’re gonna sleep with all the Pit Boss’?

Joey: No, no. We’re gonna pretend to be dumb, okay? It’s something that works for me all the time. Like, when a girl catches me with someone else, I just go, “But baby, I don’t understand what the problem is. I thought she was you!”

Michael: You want them to think we’re too stupid to count cards.

Joey: Yeah, yeah, Okay now, let me see all of you make a dumb face.

[They all make their dumb faces]

Joey: Gina – good, but you had the shortest distance to travel. Alex – you’re not there. Uh, imagine Celine said your name on stage.

[Alex makes a surprised/dumb face]

Joey: Perfect! Okay, Michael, it still looks like there’s a light on in there.

[Michael makes another dumb face]

Joey: There ya go.

Gina: That’s what I though my son would look like.

Joey: (Hears someone opening to door) Okay, dummy up, dummy up.

[The Pit Boss Enters – Joey, Gina, Michael and Alex are using their dumb faces]

Pit Boss: Look, we know you’ve been counting cards.

Gina: (Acting dumb) Whaaat?

Pit Boss: We’ve got you on camera.

Alex: (Acting dumb) Blugh…?

Pit Boss: You guys are in a lot of trouble.

Joey: (Acting dumb) But baby, I thought she was you.

Michael: (Serious) Just, please don’t do anything to us.

Pit Boss: Look, I’ve got no choice. You’re names are going in the book. All the casinos are gonna know who you are. You’ll never gamble in this town again.

Joey: That’s it? You’re not gonna break our legs or anything?

Pit Boss: I went to the Cornell School of Hotel Management. You got 30 minutes to check out, and I never want to see any of your faces around here again.

[The Pitt Boss Leaves – Michael looks relieved]

Joey: Okay.. 30 minutes, 3 contestants’ room keys, and a case of Mike’s Hard Lemonade. See you guys at the car.

[The End]

Voir la fiche épisode, le script V.O. et le script V.F.

[Scene : Joey and Michael's Apartment - Joey and Alex]

Alex: Joey, it's late. What's the tenant emergency?

Joey: Look, I swear it's important. It is so warm in L.A. that I am not feeling the Christmas spirit.

Alex: Okay, my beeper is for emergencies! Okay? It is not for talking about the holidays, or for when you're in the hot tub and cant reach a towel, or for when your out of jelly.

Joey: But you brought the jelly, right?

Alex: Yes.

Joey: Ok now, uh, I just have a few simple ideas on how to make the apartment more festive. You don’t have to do anything. I just need your approval.

Alex: Okay.

Joey: Can I dress your cat like a reindeer?

Alex: No.

Joey: I’m sorry, may I dress your cat like a reindeer?

Alex: No.

Joey: Okay, alright. When do you freeze the hot tub for skating?

Alex: Never. That’s impossible.

Joey: Impossible, or Mmm, possible?

Alex: Ok, why don’t you let me look at your list and I can tell you what you can do?

[Joey hands Alex the list]

Alex: No. No. I don’t even know what a live snow man is. That is offensive to non-Christians. And that is offensive to everyone.

Joey: Oh, come on. You gotta give me something.

Alex: Well, you can do this - get a tree and some lights.

Joey: Alright, well that’s a start. Look, I know I’m all worked up about it but it's my first holiday season in L.A. and it just doesn’t feel right. Okay? So we have to all work that much harder to make it special. It's like I said when I was in A Christmas Carol, "Figgy pudding, figgy puddin for sale." I had a really small part.

[Opening Credits]

[Scene : The Deep Powder Building]

Joey: Hi, I’m Joey Tribbiani. I have a meeting with the executive producer.

Tracy: I’m Tracy, Lauren’s assistant.

Joey: Oh, uh, who’s Lauren?

Tracy: The executive producer..

Joey: Oh, right. Sorry, I’m a little nervous. It’s nice to meet you, Lauren.

Tracy: Uh, why don’t you just go in.

[Joey enters Lauren’s office]

Joey: Hey.

Lauren: Hi.

Joey: Wow, you’re the executive producer? Good thing I didn’t see you outside. I probably would’ve hit on you.

Lauren: You did. Before one of your auditions, you asked me if I wanted to go back to your place and.. split a candy bar?

Joey: You were smart to say no. There was no candy bar.

Lauren: We haven’t been formerly introduced. I’m Lauren Beck, and I’m thrilled to be working with you.

[Lauren puts a tissue on her hand, and shakes hands with Joey]

Joey: Oh yeah, oh. Um, I’m sorry. What’s the deal with the tissue?

Lauren: Oh, I’m a little compulsive, especially when I get nervous.

Joey: Oh hey, that’s totally normal. I’m compulsive too. Like, I wash my hands almost every day.

Lauren: It used to be much worse. When I came in the office I had to open and close the drawers a hundred times and then I’d constantly run home and check if the oven was off.

Joey: Hey, that’s actually a good idea. I have an aunt. She left her oven on – burned her house down. She lost everything.

[Lauren gets on the intercom]

Lauren: (Yelling) Tracy, I’m gonna need you to go back to my house and check the oven again.

Joey: You know, if you left it on, it’s probably already too late.

Lauren: What are you doing? Listen, the reason I called you in is we’re having a press junket, and I’m gonna need you to be front and center as our sexiest cast member.

Joey: I bet you say that to all the cast members.

Lauren: Yes, I do. Anyway, they’re gonna ask you some questions. Just be polite and charming. You know, you might want to think of some funny material.

Joey: Ooh, how about this, “What is the deal with the kiwi? Huh? Is it a fruit? is it a vegetable? I mean come on!”

Lauren: It’s a fruit.

Joey: Oh.

Lauren: Anyway, you’ll do great. And we just got the first script, and it’s amazing. There’s some twists in here that’ll blow your mind.

Joey: Oh really, can I take it?

[Joey picks up the script]

Lauren: Uh, just keep it between us because you’re the first one to see it.

Joey: Is that because I’m the sexiest cast member?

Lauren: No, it’s because you got your germs on it and I don’t want it back.

[Scene : A Christmas Tree Farm – Joey, Gina, and Michael. Joey's dressed in winter clothes]

Joey: God, I’m so hot.

Michael: Then take off the hat and the parka.

Joey: No, this is what I’ve worn every time I picked out a good tree. When people see you guys dressed like that, you know what they think? They think “These people have no Christmas spirit.” You know what they think when they see me?

Gina: That guy from Days of Our Lives is homeless?

Joey: I’m sorry, but I am trying to get into the holiday spirit, okay? Is this how you normally buy a tree, in summer clothes?

Gina: Actually, we haven’t gotten a tree since Michael was little.

Joey: What? Why not?

Gina: Christmas is only fun when you have kids and they believe in that Christmas magic. He figured out the whole deal with Santa when he was three.

Michael: Yeah, it’s just basic math. It would be impossible for Santa to visit all the children of the world in one night even in if you assume a generous 50% naughty rate.

Joey: Well, those of us who love Christmas are not gonna let you and math and you’re friend, the sun, ruin our hoiliday. (Yelling) Are we people?!

Gina: Joey, why are you shouting?

Joey: Am I shouting? I think I’m having a stroke.

Michael: Can we please just choose a tree and get out of here?

Joey: Fine. (Walks up to a man) Greetings, woodsman. So, what are we looking at here – Douglas fir or spruce?

Man: I don’t know, I’m just a stock boy at the supermarket.

Gina: Oh, do you carry a fortified wine called, “The Fist?”

Joey: Gina, focus! Okay? Let’s take a look at these things.

[Joey walks around looking at different trees]

Joey: No. No. No, this one’s trying too hard.

Gina: Oh, pick one. What’s the difference? It’s just gonna die.

Joey: Oh, well, you could say the same thing about Michael here, but you don’t love him any less. Huh? Look, this tree has gotta be perfect. It’s my favorite thing about Christmas… except for Rudolph.

Michael: Okay, all right, let’s just assume for a second that a nose can glow. On order to produce enough light to actually guide a sleigh-

Joey: Shut it! You are ruining Christmas for all these little kids.

[Joey points to the miniature trees]

Gina: What kids? Are you talking about the trees?

[Joey blinks]

Joey: I got to find some shade.

[Scene : The Press Junket’s Waiting Room]

Joey: Hey. Sorry I’m late. The press junket hasn’t started already, has it? I had to buy a Christmas tree.

Lauren: Is there more to this excuse?

Joey: No.

Lauren: Wow. So, let me introduce you to the cast. This of course is Katie, your daughter.

Katie: Hey sexy, we still need to get that drink.

Lauren: You two won’t be sitting next to each other. This is Bodie. He plays a ski instructor.

Bodie: ‘Sup?

Joey: Hey, I’m Joey Tribbiani.

Bodie: Oh man, I love you!

Joey: Oh, you know me from Days of Our Lives.

Bodie: No, I just think you’re awesome!

Lauren: Uh, this is Gunnar. We don’t know what role he’s playing but.. he’s hot.

Gunnar: Guilty.

Lady: Lauren, they want to start.

Lauren: Okay, let’s go.

Joey: Uh, Lauren. Lauren, quick thing. Listen uh, these kids are all newbies, and I’m an old pro, so should we come up with a signal in case you think I’m being too charismatic and blowing someone else off the stage?

Lauren: Good idea. How’s this for a signal?

[Lauren makes a gagging gesture]

Joey: Nice. Yeah, okay.

[They enter the room where the press junket is being held]

Lauren: All right, ladies and gentlemen, my name is Lauren Beck, and I’m executive producer of Deep Powder-

Joey: Yeah!

[Joey realizes no one else is applauding - he gets quiet]

Lauren: It’s my pleasure to present the cast. So let’s open the floor to questions.

Reporter 1: This question’s for Bodie Blair. If you could say one thing to your public, what would it be?

Bodie: ‘Sup, public?

Reporter 1: Thank you.

Reporter 2: HI, this is for Katie Harper. Katie, what are your hobbies?

Katie: I’m into erotic art.

Joey: Uh, I have a couple of follow up questions related to that.

[Lauren elbows Joey]

Joey: Ow! It can wait ‘til later.

Reporter 3: Mr. Tribbiani, you got your start in theater. I have a question related to that.

Joey: Ah, hit me.

Reporter 3: Dramaturgically speaking, Deep Powder is clearly a rehashing of the Lear paradigm combined with elements of Aristophanes, and of course, it goes without saying, Sheridan. Will this source material inform your portrayal of the patriarch?

Joey: (Confused) What?!

Reporter 3: The classics do permeate all modern media. I mean, surely this will color your realization of the character.

Joey: Geez, what magazine is this lady from?

[Lauren stares at Joey]

Reporter 3: Is there anything you can tell us about the show?

Joey: Well, yeah. Yeah, I could do that. I just read the first episode, and there are some plot twists in there that will blow your mind. Like, in the first episode, this guy dies! (Points to Bodie)

[All the reporters quickly start writing in their notebooks]

Bodie: I die?! I just bought a Ferrari!

Lauren: Joey, that was supposed to be a surprise.

Joey: Oh uh, Okay, I’m gonna have to collect all your little notebooks.

[Scene : Lauren’s Office]

Lauren: (Slamming drawers) 98, 99, 100! Thanks for this Joey! (She goes to another drawer) 1, 2-

Joey: Lauren, Lauren, Lauren, look. I am so sorry I screwed up the plot twist. I panicked.

Lauren: Didn’t they ever have press junkets on Days of Our Lives?

Joey: Yeah, but the producer always forgot to tell me about them. That’s good producing.

Lauren: I’m just really disappointed, Joey. I was really counting on you. You’re our most experienced actor, and you’re the patriarch.

Joey: Hey, hey. We’re all Americans here.

Lauren: I want you to understand that what you did affects a lot of people. We’re gonna have to throw out the script now, and I’m gonna be up all night with the writers trying to come up with a new plot twist.

Joey: So you’re not gonna kill Bodie?

Lauren: No, which is a shame, because his transition from professional skateboarding to acting hasn’t been as smooth as I’d hoped.

Joey: Lauren, I’m so sorry. Look, I screwed up, but hey, on the bright side, I helped you forget about your oven.

[Lauren gets on the intercom]

Lauren: (Yelling) Tracy!

Joey: I’ll tell her on the way out.

[Scene : Joey and Michael’s House – Joey is decorating a tree – Gina and Michael Enter]

Joey: Hey, guys. Check it out. I got the perfect tree. It smells like Christmas when we were kids, and the girl selling it had crazy low jeans on.

Gina: And I found a store down by the airport that carries “The Fist

Joey: Hey!

Michael: So are you feeling better about the press conference thing?

Joey: My boss was pretty mad at me, but I’m trying not to let it get me down, you know? I mean, it is the holiday season. And as I said in A Christmas Carol, (Speaking in a bad cockney accent) “Oy, a sixpence, Guv’nor! Thank you kindly!”

Michael: Oh, hey, Joey, looks like they sent you a new script.

Joey: Oh, great. All right. I’ll start studying my lines now. Since I screwed up, I really need to impress my boss.

Gina: So now that they can’t kill Bodie, what’s the new twist?

Joey: Oh, well, Lauren wouldn’t tell me, but if she’s as talented as she is crazy, it’s gonna be good, yeah. (Looking at the script) Uh.. oh, cool. I’m in the last scene.

Gina: Oh good for you, what are you doing?

Joey: Uhh.. ooh, I’m up on a cliff. And I’m defusing a bomb! That sounds dangerous! (Realizing) Oh my God! I’m the plot twist! I can’t believe they’re going to kill me.

Michael: Are you sure? Does the bomb actually go off?

Joey: Uh, well, I ddon’t know. Let’s see. The end is..

[Joey flips to the last page]

Joey: (Reading) “The last page will not be distributed due to Joey Tribbiani - based security reasons.” Oh, this is so bad!

Gina: No, no, no. Calm down. People want to fire me all the time, and there’s a real easy way to get out of it.

Joey: How?

Gina: By falsely accusing them of sexual harassment. Here’s a little move I like to call, “The Reverse.”

[Gina backs up to Michael, and puts his hand on her butt]

Gina: (Gasps) How dare you! I will see you in court! See?

Michael: Actually, “The Reverse” paid for my space camp.

Joey: Gina, I am not gonna do that. Ugh, why couldn’t that reporter have asked me something I could answer? I knew I should’ve talked about the kiwi!

Michael: Joey, maybe you’re over reacting. There’s another character in the bomb scene with you; this guy, Charlie. Maybe they’ll kill him off.

Joey: Maybe, yeah. All right. Ok, I’m gonna go down to the set early and see if I can change Lauren’s mind. If I can’t change her mind, I’ll just- I’ll just take it like a man and..

[Joey backs into Michael]

Michael: What are you doing?

Joey: I could ask the same question of you, sir!

[Scene : The set of Deep Powder]

Joey: Hey, Katie.

Katie: Joey. I read the script. I’m sorry. Maybe we can go back to my dressing room and I can cheer you up.

Joey: Oh boy, any other time that would be great, but I’m really not in the right place for that right now. You understand, don’t you?

Katie: No.

Joey: Oh, I like you.

[Katie Leaves – Gunnar Enters]

Gunnar: Hey, Dead-o. (Imitates an explosion)

Joey: Haha, very funny, Gunnar. You know, you don’t even have a character.

Gunnar: Yeah well, at least my none-character’s alive.

[Gunnar Leaves]

Joey: Should never try to match wits with Gunnar. Uh, hey, Lauren. Look, I just read the script, and I just want to say please, please don’t kill me.

Lauren: But you haven’t read the last page. You might not die.

Joey: Really?

Lauren: But you probably do.

Joey: All right, I know you’re looking for a big plot twist, but there’s another guy, Charlie, in the scene with me. Maybe he could die.

Lauren: That’s an interesting idea. Why don’t I introduce you to Charlie?

Joey: Oh, yeah.

[They walk over to a little boy]

Lauren: Joey, this is Sawyer. He’s playing Charlie.

Sawyer: I’m eight. I’m home-schooled.

Joey: He’s adorable. You’re not gonna kill him. Aw crap!

Sawyer: That’s a swear word. Put a quarter in the jar.

[They walk away from Sawyer]

Joey: Oh, yeah, what a cutie. Let me make the case for killing the kid.

Lauren: What?

Joey: Yeah, it’s so crazy. No one would see it coming. Now I’m not a writer, but what if this kid is, like, a Russian spy, yeah? And I tie him to the bomb and I run, and I’m all “Eat bomb, Commie!” Huh?

Lauren: I don’t think so. Excuse me.

[Lauren Leaves – Joey sits down and sees Charlie standing next to him]

Charlie: Why so glum, chum?

Joey: Hey, Sawyer. You wanna play a game? Go over to the producer lady and tell her she left her oven on.

[Scene : Joey and Michael’s House – Michael and Alex watching TV]

Alex: Oh, God, I wish I was Oprah.

Michael: (Scoffs) Me, too.

[Gina Enters carrying a big box]

Gina: Any word from Joey yet?

Michael: No, not yet. What’s in the box?

Gina: Well, it seems like Joey’s about to be fired, so I thought we could surprise him by decorating the place for Christmas.

Michael: Are these our old ornaments? I haven’t seen these in a long time.

Gina: That’s because it’s been a while since we’ve had a child to decorate for, but now we do; Joey!

Alex: Oh, when he comes home and sees this place all decorated just think how his little face will light up.

[Gina and Michael start pulling things out of the box]

Gina: Oh, it’s your first ornament.

Michael: Oh, my God.

Gina: A snow globe.

Michael: A bottle of tequila?

Gina: You try putting together a tricycle without a man around.

Michael: Um, mom, this is fine. But if you’re going to do this, you should go all out. Do something big.

Gina: Like what?

Alex: Well, I know he’d like an all-monkey manger scene with a squirrel baby Jesus.

Michael: How do you know that?

Alex: It was one of the things on his list.

[Alex hands them the list]

Gina: Oh, this is perfect. We can find out exactly what he wants.

Michael: All right, why does he want gypsies?

Gina: Hmm, he gets them confused with elves; always has. Yeah, but there is some stuff on here we can do.

Michael: Mm-hmm.

Gina: Oh, he wants carolers. Do we know anyone who can sing?

Alex: (Singing tunelessly) Siiiiilent N-

Gina: Okay, no carolers!

[Scene : The set of Deep Powder]

Lauren: Okay everybody, we’re ready to shoot the bomb scene.

Joey: Uh, listen, Lauren, I don’t want to pull a star trip right now, but this scene doesn’t work for me creatively.

Lauren: Joey, please take your mark.

Joey: You know what, can I just- can I take a second?

Lauren: Yeah, yeah. Everybody let’s all gather round and take a second, and give a round of applause to Joey Tribbiani. It’s been great working with him.

[Everyone applauds – Gunnar imitates an explosion again]

Lauren: Okay, let’s get started.

Joey: Oh, but-but, I don’t know what to do at the end. You didn’t let me read the last page.

Lauren: Oh, it’s pretty clear what happens in the end. And then the special effects guys take over.

Joey: And then bring in the dinosaur that carries me to safety?

Lauren: All right, and rolling. And cue the snow.

Marker: Deep Powder, Scene 58, Take 1.

Lauren: And… action!

Charlie: Come on, Captain Powder. You gotta run! That bomb’s gonna ‘splode!

Joey: No, I have to see this through. You run, Charlie. (Sarcastically) You’re lifes more important than mine.

[Charlie Leaves]

Joey: Well, I guess it’s just you and me now, Powder Mountain. If I don’t make it out of this alive, it doesn’t really matter, because all that matters (Sarcastically) is that the mountain lives on.

Lauren: Now cut the wire.

[Joey cuts the wire]

Lauren: And the bomb doesn’t explode. Now react.

Joey: What? It didn’t go off? Oh, my God, I’m alive! I can’t believe I did it!

[Gunnar looks mad - Katie and Bodie smile]

Lauren: This is great Joey, we can use this, keep going.

Joey: Oh, oh, great! The sky is bluer the snow is whiter. Joey’s back! Suck it bomb!

Lauren: And cut!

Joey: I am so relieved! I really thought I was gonna die.

Lauren: You have a great performance.

Joey: Wait a minute. You were messing with me to get back at me from the press conference?

Lauren: What, me? Mess with my sexiest cast member?

Joey: Yeah, you wouldn’t do that.

Lauren: Well, welcome back to Powder Mountain.

Joey: Thank you. How ‘bout a hug?

Lauren: How ‘bout just a wave?

[They wave]

[Scene : The Courtyard – Michael, Gina, and Alex – Joey Enters]

Joey: Hey, guys. Guess what? Great news. I didn’t die!

[They all congratulate him]

Joey: Yeah, yeah, let’s go out and celebrate.

Gina: Let’s go in the apartment first.

Joey: No, no, it’s boring in there. Let’s go do something special.

Gina: Maybe there’s something special in the apartment.

Joey: No, no, let’s go out.

Gina: Get in the damn apartment!

[They all go inside – It’s all decorated]

Joey: (Gasps) Oh, my God!

Alex: Oh, look at his little face!

Joey: You guys, it looks fantastic in here. I can’t believe you did this.

Gina: We couldn’t get you everything on your list, but we got you an inflatable snowman.

Alex: And a dancing Santa.

[Alex turns on the dancing Santa]

Joey: Hey!

Michael: And Joey..

[Michael picks up two elves]

Joey: Gypsies!

Gina: Here, have some eggnog.

Joey: Oh.

Gina: I spiked it with The Fist.

Joey: Ah.. (He hands it back to Gina) I am finally feeling like it’s Christmas, you know? This is really special. I get to keep my job. I’m surrounded by friends and family. It’s like I said in that holiday beer commercial that only aired in Germany, “Das ist ein gut Christmas Bier!”

[Scene : Lauren’s Office]

Lauren: So that’s basically the plot for the next episode. Any questions?

Joey: Uh, yeah. I’ve been meaning to ask you, so since you didn’t kill Bodie and you didn’t kill me, do you still need a plot twist?

Lauren: Oh, I have a plot twist. There was somebody actually who behaved even worse than you did.

[Gunnar Enters]

Gunnar: Hey, sweet mama. You wanted to see me?

Lauren: Yeah, Gunnar, are you ready to shoot this scene?

Gunnar: I was born ready, baby. Hey Dead-o. Guess who finally got a character? I’m a helicopter blade inspector. And I get to play it drunk.

Lauren: Joey, would you care to come watch this scene?

Joey: I think I’d like that Lauren.


Voir la fiche épisode, le script V.O. et le script V.F.

[Scene: Joey and Michael’s Apartment – Michael, Gina, and Joey]

Gina: (Takes the lasagna out of the oven) Okay, lasagna looks good.

Joey: Ooh, I can not wait. Huh, Michael?

Michael: Eh. I just don’t get that excited about food, you know? If I could just take a pill once a day instead of eating, I’d be happy.

Joey: Yeah, if they make that than I get your food.

Michael: All right, than I get your pill.

Joey: Yeah, you just try to take it!

(Gina serves the lasagna, Alex Enters)

Alex: Hey, guys.

Michael: Hey, Alex. Mom made some lasagna. You wanna join us?

Alex: Oh, no, that’s okay. I have a healthy frozen dinner in the microwave. It only has 4 grams of- (Watching Gina put lasagna on a plate) Oh God, real food!

Gina: What kind of piece would you like?

Alex: What do you mean? Are there different kinds?

Joey: All right, class is in session. There are 4 distinct types of lasagna pieces, okay? Now the corners are known as the “corner pieces,” also known as.. (Looks to Michael for the answer)

Michael: The Joey.

Joey: And we have the edge pieces (Points out the outer part of the lasagna) Here, here, here, and here. And we have the middle.

Alex: And what’s the fourth kind?

Michael: The piece with Mom’s hair in it.

Joey: Mm hmm.

Gina: And today there’s a fifth kind. (Holds up her finger) I lost my nail in there.

Alex: Um, I guess I’ll have a middle.

Gina: (Sigh) She would go for that. (She says something in what sounds like Italian to Joey. Joey says something back, also in Italian)

Alex: (To Michael) Are they talking about me in Italian?

Michael: No, they can’t speak Italian. They just like to pretend they can.

(Joey looks at Michael and yells something at him in his fake Italian)

Alex: (Eats a bite of lasagna) Gina, this is incredible. You gotta teach me how to make this. (Alex quickly eats mouthfuls of lasagna while saying “Mmm..” after each bite. Gina, Michael, and Joey just watch her eat, shocked)

Gina: Dear God, look at her.

Michael: I know, it’s- it’s disgusting.

Joey: I love you.

[Opening Credits]

[Scene: The Deep Powder stage – Joey is shooting a scene]

Lauren: And.. action!

Joey: I don’t know if I can do this. I haven’t been with anyone since my wife died 3 weeks ago.

Ivana: I think I can make you happy.

Lauren: No! Cut!

(A bell rings)

Lauren: He’s fragile here. I need you to look into his eyes. Ugh, here. I’ll show you. (Lauren starts to put her hands on Joey’s face, but quickly backs off) Ew. Skin. Germs. Gloves! (A person from the set brings Lauren a pair of gloves and she puts them on) It should be like this. (She grabs Joey and looks into his eyes) I think I can make you happy.

Joey: Hey.. you have freckles.

Lauren: Joey, focus. I think I can make you happy.

Joey: I wanna be happy.

Lauren: Then let me do this. (She leans in to kiss him but backs away quickly) I want it more like that.

Joey: Wow, that was good. Do it like that!

Lauren: And then we’ll end the scene with your daughter running in and interrupting you. Okay? So why don’t we all take 5 and then we’ll come back and finish shooting this scene. And Joey, five, does not mean five hours.

Joey: Yeah, you made that clear yesterday, thank you. (Lauren walks off, Joey turns to see Katie standing behind him) Hey.

Katie: I didn’t like watching you be all flirty with Lauren.

Joey: Come on, you know I only have eyes for my daughter.

(Lauren has been watching Joey with Katie)

Lauren: Joey, can I see you for a minute?

(Joey leaves Katie to talk to Lauren)

Joey: Yeah?

Lauren: So, you and Katie. What’s going on there?

Joey: Oh, well, I’m a gentleman, so let’s just say I’m still circling the airport but I have been given permission to land, huh? (Joey puts his hand up for a high-five)

Lauren: I’m gonna leave you hanging on that one. So look Joey, I’ve worked on a lot of shows before, and romances between co-stars never work.

Joey: Please, this isn’t a problem. I know how to handle women. It’s the thing I’m second best at in the world.

Lauren: What’s the first?

Joey: Acting.

Lauren: It’s just that this kind of thing can get messy. I’ve seen it happen before.

Joey: If it’s that important to you, I’ll break it off with Katie.

Lauren: Thank you.

Joey: But hey, if I promise to discontinue service to this airport can I make one emergency landing?

Lauren: No.

[Scene: Joey and Michael’s Apartment – Gina, Michael, and Alex are in the kitchen, Joey Enters]

Joey: Hey.

Alex: (Pouring salt into a spoon) Hi.

Joey: What’s going on?

Gina: I am teaching Alex how to make sauce. She is gonna make a lasagna.

Alex: Yeah, Eric’s back in town tonight so I’m gonna make it for him.

Joey: Oh right, your husband. Say, when you’re ready, I got some questions about why he’s away so much.

Alex: Okay, I’m not ready.

Gina: (Looking at Alex pour the salt into the spoon) What are you doing?

Alex: You said to put a teaspoon in.

Gina: Just go like this. (Pours some into her hand and drops it into the pot of sauce)

Alex: Oh..

Gina: God, you have got to loosen up. Cooking comes from the heart. It is passionate, sensual. You gotta let go of everything. Come on, let’s do some hip rolls.

(Gina rolls her hips and makes grunting noises)

Joey: (To Michael) Seen enough?

Michael: Oh yes.

[Scene: The set of Deep Powder – Joey and Katie are talking behind one of the cabins]

Joey: Lauren saw us together and she thinks it’s a bad idea.

Katie: What?

Joey: She’s against on set romance, even if the resulting sex is guaranteed to be satisfying and vigorous.

Katie: That’s terrible.

Joey: I know this is hard. It’s hard for me too, but it’s our boss. We have to listen to her. Okay, we have to stop. (Joey turns to walk away)

Katie: Do we?

Joey: (Quickly turns back to look at Katie) Maybe not. What do you got?

Katie: Well, what if we’re together but it’s a secret?

Joey: I don’t know. Lauren seemed pretty serious.

Katie: Come on. You are officially cleared for landing.

Joey: That is a strong argument.

(Back in Lauren’s office, Lauren enters drying her hands. The TV in her office is on, and it’s a shot of where Joey and Katie are talking)

(On the TV)

Joey: Okay, but if we’re gonna be together in secret we’re gonna have to be really really careful.

Katie: Well, it’s not like Lauren’s gonna catch us. She’s gonna be too busy washing her hands to notice.

(Lauren drops the paper towel that she was drying her hands with - Cut back to the set where Joey and Katie are talking)

Joey: (Laughs) Well, no one’s watching us now.

Katie: Wait, is that camera on? (Points to the camera that Lauren’s watching them through)

(Cut back to the TV view of Joey and Katie from Lauren’s office)

Joey: Uh.. no, I can tell when it’s on. (Puts his face right up in the lens) Yeah, it’s off.

[Scene: Joey and Michael’s Apartment – Gina, Joey, and Michael, Alex Enters]

Alex: Hey, Gina, that lasagna turned out so well. My husband loved it. And I played with the recipe a tiny bit - added a secret ingredient, and I think it might’ve turned out better than the one you made.

(Gina stops reading her magazine and scowls)

Joey: Uh.. she didn’t mean better.

Michael: I thought you said different.

Joey: Yeah, Mm hmm.

Gina: (Doubtful) It turned out better than mine?

Alex: I didn’t mean it as an insult. You taught me. You should be happy that I improved it.

Joey: Oh.. (Looks at Alex) She had such a pretty face.

Gina: I wanna taste it.

Alex: We ate it all.

Gina: Make another one.

Alex: But you’re just gonna say it’s not good.

Gina: Then we’ll have a taste test and they’ll judge. (Looks at Joey and Michael)

Joey: Exactly where I hoped this was going!

Michael: Wait a second, taste test? Doesn’t anyone here have a job?

Gina: What do you say, we on?

Alex: No, I am not having a lasagna taste test.

Gina: Why? Is fear your secret ingredient?

Alex: You’re on!

Joey: (To Michael) For a second there, I thought it wasn’t gonna happen, but then she said the thing and now they’re doing it.

Michael: Yeah, we were all here, Joey.

Gina: (Picks up her bag) Okay, I’m gonna go home and get started.

Alex: (Heading for the back door) Good, I’ll get to the store. I have to go buy my secret ingredient.

Gina: Oh that’s okay, because if my grandmother didn’t need it, and my mother didn’t need it, I don’t need it.

Joey: Uh, you said the same thing about therapy. I’m not sure you’re right.

(Gina and Alex leave)

Michael: This is stupid. I don’t wanna do a taste test.

Joey: Do this for me. I help you with all your tests.

Michael: Well that’s just not true.

Joey: Come on, just play along.

Michael: No, it’s not that. I’m not gonna be able to tell the difference, okay?

Joey: All right, here’s what we’ll do. Just pick the lasagna I pick. I’ll know which is which.

Michael: Yeah, but-

Joey: No, no, no. I have a secret weapon; a finely tuned instrument that is able to pick up the most subtle flavor differences. (Sticks out his tongue) I’ll show you! I’ll show you. Go ahead. Just put anything in my mouth. Go ahead. (Closes his eyes and opens his mouth – Michael walks away) Michael. Michael? (Opens his eyes to see that Michael isn’t there) That’s a good one.

[Scene: The set of Deep Powder]

Lauren: That’s it, Brian, thank you. Okay, let’s set up for the scene with the bear.

(Joey and Lauren are hiding behind a tree kissing, but two set workers move the tree away. Lauren stares at them)

Joey: (Realizing Lauren can see them) Oh, hey, Katie. Didn’t notice you there.

Lauren: Joey, I’d like to see you in my office please.

Joey: Aw, I just went there!

(Lauren leaves to her office)

Katie: What is going on with you two?

Joey: What?

Katie: She wants to “see you in her office?” And yesterday there was that scene she was just “helping you with?” I saw the way you were looking at her.

Joey: I was acting.

Katie: You’re not that good of an actor.

(Katie walks away)

Joey: Am I the only one who thinks I’m good?!

[Scene: Lauren’s Office]

Joey: What’s up?

Lauren: So, you and Katie had a little talk?

Joey: Yep.

Lauren: I’m having a hard time believing you broke up with her.

Joey: Oh, are you talking about when we were just together on the side of the cabin, when I was helping her get that splinter out of her tongue?

Lauren: Let me show you something, Joey. (Turns on the TV she was watching Joey and Katie through the day before) I have a live feed of the stage.

Joey: I guess it’s show-off time.

Lauren: (Pointing to the screen) This is where you were standing yesterday when you and Katie decided to have a “secret relationship.”

Joey: But I looked at the camera; the red off light was on!

Lauren: I also heard you laughing about how Lauren will never know ‘cause she’ll be too busy washing her hands! I was a little late, because I was in the bathroom washing my hands, but I got the gist!

Joey: Okay look, I’m sorry. We messed up, but the thing is we’re both adults, okay? And if we think we can handle this, isn’t that our decision? I mean, as long as it doesn’t affect the show.

(The Line Producer, Todd, runs in)

Todd: Katie has locked herself in her dressing room and she won’t come out because she says she hates Joey!

Joey: Oh God, I’m so sorry. (Looks at the TV and laughs) The prop guy’s picking his nose.

(Lauren turns off the TV and glares at Joey)

[Scene: The hallway outside Katie’s dressing room]

Joey: Let’s see if I can get her out.

Lauren: You have to. We’re supposed to be shooting a very expensive scene right now. I know guys like you; when a woman is upset you have ways of calming her down, so do it!

Joey: Okay. (To Lauren) Listen, Lauren, this is gonna be okay-

Lauren: Not to me!

Joey: Right, right.

(Joey knocks on Katie’s dressing room door – Lauren knocks on the wall. Joey looks at her questioningly)

Lauren: When you knock, I have to knock.

Joey: (Sweet voice) Katie, honey, it’s me Joey.

Katie: Go away! Where’s your girlfriend, Lauren?

Joey: She’s right here. She’s not my girlfriend. I don’t find her attractive at all. (He turns to look at Lauren and shakes his head to show that he’s not serious. Lauren sarcastically wipes her forehead and mouths “phew.”)

(Todd enters)

Todd: Lauren, we have got to get started. The crew’s about to go into overtime, and if we take much longer we are going to have to feed the bear!

Joey: We’re using a real bear? I thought it was a guy in a suit; I kicked him!

Lauren: Just- just give me a minute!

(Todd leaves)

Lauren: You have got to get her out of there.

Joey: But what happens if I can’t?

Lauren: Well, I’d have to check but I’m pretty sure you’d be fired. Wait a minute, yep.

Joey: Oh! Wait, I know someone who can help us. (Takes out his cell phone and calls Bobbie)

Bobbie: Hello.

Joey: (On phone) Hey, Bobbie, listen. I got myself into a situation. It’s bad.

Bobbie: Okay, here’s the game plan. Flush the drugs, throw the gun in the river, we’ll tell everyone it was exhaustion.

Joey: (On phone) No, no, no, no. I need you to come down to the set. I’ve been seeing my daughter on the show and she’s locked herself into her dressing room and now we can’t do the scene with the bear!

Bobbie: Every time I’m about to give up on this business something wonderful like this happens. I’ll be right there. (Hangs up)

Joey: Okay. (Hangs up)

Lauren: Who was that?

Joey: My agent, Bobbie. If anyone can get her out of there, it’s her. She is an amazing negotiator; that’s how she got me such a great contract on this show.

Lauren: (Laughs) Thanks, it feels good to laugh.

[Scene: Joey and Michael’s Apartment – Gina, Alex, and Michael]

Gina: All right, let’s set up this taste test.

Alex: Okay, Michael, turn around. I’m gonna mix them up so you can tell which one is whose. (Alex switches the lasagnas around) I, uh, wrote my name on the bottom of mine.

Gina: Well how will we know which one is mine?

Michael: (Turns back around and looks at Gina) That would be the one without Alex’s name on the bottom.

Gina: (Realizing) I hate being the dumbest one in the room! Where’s Joey?

Michael: Let me call him.

(Cut to Joey – Joey answers his phone)

Joey: (On phone) Deep Powder’s Joey Tribbiani.

Lauren: Say it while you can.

Michael: (On phone) Joey, where are you? The taste test is about to start.

Joey: Uh, Lauren, is there any way you can handle this for a few hours while I go and judge a lasagna taste test?

(Lauren scowls at Joey)

Joey: (On phone) Yeah, it’s not looking good. Oh, put your mother on.

Michael: Mom. (Gives Gina the phone)

Gina: (Phone) Hello.

Joey: (Phone) Gina, you’re a crazy woman.

Gina: (Phone) Uh huh.

Joey: (Phone) Okay, I got this high-strung girl who’s locked herself in her dressing room. What should I do?

Gina: (Phone) Well, how much has she had to drink?

Joey: (Phone) She hasn’t had anything.

Gina: (Phone) Well then what are you asking me for?

Joey: (Phone) That’s very helpful, Gina. I gotta go.

Gina: (Phone) Well are you coming to the taste test or not?

Joey: (Phone Well I’m kinda in the middle of something.

Gina: (Phone) You are not coming?

Alex: He’s not coming? (Grabs the phone from Gina) Get over here!

Lauren: Hang up the phone!

Katie: Get away from my door!

Gina: (Phone) What is wrong with you?!

Joey: Take a breath, ladies!! (Hangs up his cell phone)

(Bobbie enters running)

Joey: Bobbie, thank God.

Bobbie: Sorry it took me so long. They’ve been reluctant to let me on the lot since I punched David Caruso.

Lauren: (Coldly) Hello, Bobbie. For a second there I thought the bear had gotten loose.

Bobbie: And I thought I dropped one of my earrings.

Joey: Uh, do you two have some kind of history?

Lauren: We dated the same guy.

Joey: (Laughs) That dude does not have a clear type.

Bobbie: So what’s the problem?

Joey: Katie still won’t come out of her dressing room.

Bobbie: Well don’t you worry. I know how to deal with crazy actors; you just smile and tell them what they wanna hear.

Joey: You think you can help me?

Bobbie: (Smiles) Absolutely! (Walks over to Katie’s door) Katie, it’s Bobbie Morgenstern.

Katie: The agent?

Bobbie: The super agent. Entertainment Weekly’s 12th most powerful woman in Hollywood. (Looks at Lauren and Laughs) 67! (Turns back towards Katie’s door) Now Katie, I know you don’t want to talk to Joey, but if you can just give me a minute, maybe I can help you out here.

(Katie opens the door)

Bobbie: Oh, she’s tiny too. Maybe I could pick you both up and have you talk to each other. (She imitates a puppet show with her hands)

(Bobbie goes into Katie’s dressing room and closes the door behind her. Joey and Lauren stand in an awkward silence)

Joey: So, 67, huh?

Lauren: No small talk.

Joey: Ah.

(Bobbie walks out of Katie’s dressing room)

Bobbie: Great news!

Joey: She’s coming out?

Bobbie: No! I signed her as a client.

Lauren: You did what?

Bobbie: That’s right. My client Katie demands that you fire Joey! (Walks over to Joey) If you fire my client Joey, I’ll destroy you!

(Joey smiles)

Lauren: Isn’t this a conflict of interest?

Bobbie: Oh, no! They’ll send me to agent jail!

(Bobbie leaves – Todd enters again, frantic)

Todd: Lauren, we need to either start shooting or shut down for the day. Should I tell everyone to go home?

Lauren: No, tell everybody to stand by. Oh, I have an idea.

(Todd leaves)

Lauren: She wants to be with you so you have to be unappealing to her!

Joey: Lauren, I don’t think we have that kind of time.

Lauren: I’ll tell you what to say, and you just say it.

Joey: Okay, (Walks over to Katie’s door and knocks, Lauren knocks on the wall) Uh, Katie, I have something to say to you. (Lauren whispers in his ear) I really care about you but there are some thing I have to confess. (Lauren whispers in his ear again) I’m cheap and selfish. (Lauren whispers again) You’ll tell me intimate things and I won’t listen. (Quietly) That’s actually true. (Lauren whispers again) I’m not saying that!

Lauren: Do it!

Joey: (Reluctantly) And I can’t land at your airport ‘cause my plane doesn’t work. (Lauren whispers more in his ear) And if I’m being completely honest, I hate your Chihuahua!

Katie: (Opens her door, holding her Chihuahua) Okay, we’re through. Lauren, I’m ready to do this. (To her dog) Come on Carrie Bradshaw.

Lauren: Okay, we can do this, okay?

Joey: All right, we just gotta get through this scene. Knock on wood.

(Joey knocks on the wall, so does Lauren. Joey continues to knock, so does Lauren)

Joey: (Still knocking) It’s just fun.

Lauren: (Still knocking) Stop it!

[Scene: Joey and Michael’s Apartment – Michael and Alex are standing outside the bathroom door, Joey enters]

Joey: All right! I haven’t had anything to eat since I got in the car. Bring on the lasagna!

Michael: We’ve got a problem, all right? You weren’t here, they wouldn’t wait any longer so I had to choose.

Joey: Oh no, who’s did you pick?

(Alex does Gina’s hip rolls and makes grunting noises)

Michael: So, now Mom’s so upset she locked herself in the bathroom.

(Alex starts her hip rolling and grunting again)

Joey: Should you be in the bathroom?

Michael: So you gotta get her out of there. I can’t do it.

Joey: Oh, I already talked one woman out of a locked room today! She can stay in there as far as I’m concerned.

Michael: She’s flushing the lasagnas down the toilet.

Joey: (Sweet voice) Gina, honey.. come out and talk.

Gina: No. Not until I flush every piece of this lasagna down your toilet.

Joey: Gina.. (Speaks his "fake" Italian)

Gina: (Yells back at him in Italian) Punzo!

Alex: Punzo? She’s a punzo!

Joey: Look, Gina, what do you even care what Michael thinks, huh? He’d rather take a pill than eat your lasagna. Let someone who loves food decide.

Gina: (Pause) So if you pick me, I’m the real winner?

Joey: Yes.

Alex: Yeah, but you won’t get to, ‘cause it ain’t gonna go down like that, biatch!

(Gina comes out of the bathroom, holding the lasagnas)

Gina: Alright, let’s get to the bottom of this.

Michael: Hey, Mom.

Gina: Sleep with one eye open, Michael. One.. eye.. open.

(Gina and Alex go into the kitchen)

Michael: So, are you sure you can pick Mom’s? I can’t have her mad at me.

Joey: Don’t worry, don’t worry. I have never been let down by the old taster. (Touches his finger to his tongue) Hmm… bear?

(Joey and Michael enter the kitchen)

Joey: Alright Michael, watch a master at work. (Joey takes a bite of the lasagna on his right) Mmm. Mmm. (Takes a bite of the other lasagna) Mmmm. (Turns around to look at Michael) Uh oh. (Turns back to the lasagnas, takes another bite of the one on the right) Mmm. I pick that one. That is the best lasagna!

Gina: (Picks up the pan of lasagna to look at the bottom) There’s no name on the bottom. Who the hells is this?! Oh, it’s mine! I win! (Jumps up and down)

Alex: (Depressed) Damnit, I actually thought mine was good. (Takes her lasagna and heads for the back door.

Gina: (Guiltily) Hey, you know what? I tasted some of your lasagna before I flushed it down the toilet. It was good.

Alex: Aww, thanks.

Gina: And, you’re a terrible winner. (Alex looks sad) Which I really respect!

(Gina and Alex go outside)

Michael: Thank God you picked Mom’s. You know, it’s incredible that your tongue can do that. They tasted exactly the same to me.

Joey: Me too.

Michael: (Confused) Then why were you so confident?

Joey: Because I got the piece with her hair in it.

[Scene: Lauren’s Office – Joey knocks on the door, Lauren knocks on the table]

Lauren: Come in.

Joey: Uh, you wanted to see me.

Lauren: Oh, yeah, since you’re going to be working with a lot of actresses, I just wanted to make sure that you learned your lesson about dating people on the set.

Joey: Yeah, I really did. It will never happen again. But, just to be safe, cast some ugly women.

Lauren: No, Joey. If this show doesn’t have good looking actors, we don’t have anything.

Joey: Hey, uh, Lauren, look. I know I was a problem yesterday but I just wanted to say it was really cool working together. You know, you telling me the right thing to say - me saying it.

Lauren: We make a good team.

Joey: Yeah.

Lauren: You know, this may sound crazy, but I was just wondering - do you maybe wanna do something sometime?

Joey: Is this a test?

Lauren: Yes.

Joey: What should I say? (Lauren whispers in his ear) Look Lauren, you are a beautiful, brilliant woman but it wouldn’t be right. We work together.

(Joey whispers in Lauren’s ear)

Lauren: That’s a shame Joey, ‘cause I want you so bad.

Joey: Eh, what are you gonna do? (Winks and leaves)


Voir la fiche épisode, le script V.O. et le script V.F.

[Scene: Joey and Michael’s Apartment – Gina, Michael, and Alex are in the living room, Joey comes downstairs]

Joey: Okay, family meeting.

Alex: Aww, you think of me as family?

Joey: Oh, hey, Alex. I didn’t see you there. Um, as you all know, my new show Deep Powder is premiering next week. My official unveiling as a big time celebrity, and someone gets to with me to the party as my guest. Michael: Just one of us?

Joey: Unfortunately, this is such an exclusive event. I can only bring one person. We’re gonna have a little competition. Each one of us is going to give a speech and state your case. Now whoever’s most convincing will get to come with me. Who’s gonna go first?

(Gina stands up)

Gina: Joey, you should pick me because I have loved you, supported you, and.. Michael’s socially awkward and Alex can’t hold a liquor.

Joey: Good points, good points. Okay, who’s next?

(Michael stands up)

Michael: Alright, okay, statistically-

Joey: Thank you very much, Michael.

(Joey motions for Michael to sit, Michael sits, Alex stands up)

Alex: You are the most wonderful man I’ve ever met. When I look into your eyes, I see the person that I want to be. You’re my light when it’s dark; my umbrella when it rains. I love you Eric!

Joey: Are those your wedding vows?

Alex: Yeah, it was all I could think of to say. You know, I sing the next part.

Joey: (Motions for Alex to sit) And you’re out.

Gina: Joey, this is silly. You know we all want to go. You shouldn’t have to choose between us.

Alex: Yeah, I mean, you’re one of the stars. They might be able to bend the rules for you.

Joey: Okay, you know what? I am the star of the show. I’m sure she’ll give me the tickets.

Michael: Great.

Gina: This is so exciting. We’re going to a big premiere.

Joey: Oh, this is gonna be great, huh?

(Joey and Gina hug)

Joey: Alright, but you know, let’s lay a couple of ground rules first, okay? (Points to Michael) No science talk. (Points to Alex) No autographs. (Looks at Gina) You, no drinking, no cursing, no fighting, no spitting, no- (To Alex and Michael) You guys might want to go, we’re gonna be a while.

[Opening Credits]

[Scene: Joey and Michael’s Apartment – Joey is playing video games, Michael enters]

Michael: I got my tux. How are you doing on the tickets?

Joey: Uh, not so good. I was gonna call my boss a while ago, but I started playing Tetris and I couldn’t put it down. Ooh, check it out though. I got to level two.

Michael: Well, that’s not very good.

Joey: Yeah, I don’t understand the game.

(Michael goes to try on his tux, Joey stops playing Tetris and calls Lauren’s office)

Joey: Hey, it’s uh, it’s Joey Tribbiani calling for Lauren.

Lauren: Hi, Joey.

Joey: Hey, listen, I got some questions about the party.

Lauren: No you can not have extra tickets.

Joey: Alright, look, I didn’t want to have to do this, but if you don’t give me some more tickets, I’m gonna cause some problems on stage.

Lauren: You already have. You were supposed to be here 30 minutes ago.

Joey: Uh, well, I’m on my way. (Pretending to be on the road) The light’s green, buddy! (To Lauren) Look, Lauren, come on, come on. I need some more tickets. It’s important.

Lauren: Joey, the rules are simple. You get one non-transferable ticket, and you can bring one guest. That’s it.

(Lauren’s cell phone rings)

Lauren: Oh, can you hold on one second. Ooh, I have to take this Joey. Can you please hold?

Joey: Sure, yeah, but then I have some more questions about the party.

Lauren: Do they all involve tickets?

Joey: Uh, no. One is a lengthy food request.

Lauren: Just, please hold. (Lauren puts the phone down and answers her cell) You know what, we broke up already. You can stop doing this. And I am so sad for you because you are losing the most.. hygienic woman you’ll ever be with! Fine! Goodbye! (Hangs up her cell, answers Joey on her office phone) Joey, I’m back.

Joey: Wow, either you pressed the wrong button or your hold music is a lady yelling at her boyfriend.

Lauren: Oh my God, you heard that conversation?

Joey: Oh yeah. Hygienic girlfriend, huh? How’s that play out in the bedroom?

Lauren: Oh, I had a music medical grade cleanser that- you know what, I don’t talk about my private life with people that I work with! I cannot give you any extra tickets, but I can consider your food request. What is it?

Joey: A fried shark?

Lauren: Goodbye, Joey.

(Joey hangs up with Lauren, Gina and Alex enter carrying shopping bags)

Alex: Hi!

Joey: Hey.

Alex: We just went shopping for our outfits for the premiere. We’re so excited.

Gina: You gotta see these dresses me and Alex got. (Gina pulls her dress out of the bag) Tell him what you said about mine.

Alex: I said “That is the sluttiest thing I’ve ever seen.”

Gina: And, out came the credit card!

Joey: Yeah, uh, I was excited about the premiere too, but then I realized it’s the same night these Del Taco coupons expire. Well, I still have to go to the party, but you guys don’t so, wahoo! (Hands them the Del Taco coupons)

Alex: Don’t be crazy. We want to be there for you.

(Michael enters in his tuxedo)

Michael: Guys, what do you think?

Gina: Ooh, doesn’t he look handsome?

Joey: He sure does! Man, have I got a fast food joint for you to wear that to! (hows Michael the coupons)

Gina: Joey, is something wrong?

Joey: Okay, look, about the premiere – the thing is.. (pause) the limo’s coming at 6!

Gina: Oh my God! Is it a stretch?

Joey: Better! It’s a stretch Humvee, huh? With champagne, and a hot tub, and a butler!

Alex: Is the show paying for all of that?

Joey: Haha, I doubt it..

[Scene: Behind the scenes of the Deep Powder set]

Joey: Bodie!

Bodie: ‘Sup, bro?

Joey: ‘Sup?

Joey and Bodie: (In unison) ‘Sup, dude?

Joey: Hey listen, are you bringing anyone to the premiere party ‘cause I need some extra tickets.

Bodie: Oh, sorry bro. I’m bringing my mom.

Joey: Dude, that is so lame! You don’t wanna bring your mom, you wanna bring my married neighbor.

Bodie: Dude, I didn’t even know that was an option. Yeah, I’m such a loser!

(Bodie leaves)

Martin: Hey, Joey!

Joey: Hey! ... guy?

Martin: It’s Martin. You’re NBC executive.

Joey: You think I don’t know your name? Hmm.. Martin? Hey, so, did you get tickets to the premiere?

Martin: Yeah, but I’m not going. I’m not really up for it.

Joey: Martin not at a party? You’re the reason everyone’s excited about it! Come on, Marty, it’ll be fun! Hey, I got the perfect date for you.

Martin: Alright, fine. I’ll go. Uh, who’s the date?

Joey: Uh, well, I got a couple of options. What are you looking for tonight?

Martin: What’s any guy looking for?

Joey: My sister it is!

Martin: Okay.

[Scene: Joey and Michael’s Apartment – Joey, Gina, and Michael]

Joey: Hey, guys, listen up. You know those tickets we got to the premiere? Well, I thought to make it more fun, we could go with my coworkers.

Gina: You mean you offered us up as dates without telling us?

Michael: What?

Joey: No, no, no. I would never do that. We’re each gonna pair off and have a buddy for the night, and maybe, as a goof, we’ll make out with them. (Gina looks doubtful) No, this guy’s great. He was very excited about you.

Gina: Why? What did you tell him I would do?

(Joey whispers in Gina’s ear)

Gina: Eh, let’s see what he looks like.

(There’s a knock on the door, Joey answers it)

Carla: Hey.

Joey: Hey, how’s it going? Uh, Michael and Gina, this is Martin and Carla.

Gina: (To Martin) Oh, it’s a pleasure. I’m, uh, having some trouble with my dress. Would you be kind enough to let me know if a boob pops out?

Martin: Uh, sure.

Gina: Oh, at last, a true gentleman.

Martin: We better be going. We don’t want to be late.

Michael: (To Carla) Hi, I’m Michael. I guess you and I are-

Joey: Uh, Michael, a world please?

(Michael and Joey walk away)

Joey: You’re actually my date tonight.

Michael: Oh. Then who’s gonna be her date?

(Alex enters)

Alex: Hello! Sorry I’m late.

Joey: That’s okay. Alex, this is Carla. Carla, this is Alex, the girl I was telling you about.

Carla: (Smiling) Yes, you were. Hello.

Alex: Nice to meet you.

(Alex and Carla shake hands, Carla pulls Alex closer)

Alex: Oh, you’re friendly.

Joey: Okay, let’s get going. We don’t want to be late.

Michael: Joey, did you set Alex up with a lesbian?

Joey: Yeah.

Michael: You couldn’t find a guy for her?

Joey: Oh no, I could. I just thought this would be funnier, come on.

[Scene: The Deep Powder Premiere Party]

Gina: Oh my God, this place looks incredible!

Joey: I know, huh? Can you believe this is the set? Oh, right over here is where I deliver this amazing monologue where I tell my daughter that her mother died and it may have been my fault. The whole crew was crying. And then right here, on this tree, is where I taped the script so I wouldn’t have to memorize it, eh?

(Gina and Martin walk off)

Gina: So, Martin, you wanna see how open this bar really is?

Martin: I don’t really drink.

Gina: Boy.

Martin: But, only because I’m on too many prescription medications.

Gina: And I’m back on board.

(Cut to Alex and Carol)

Carol: Come on, Alex. I want to go show you off to everyone.

Alex: Oh, I don’t know what that means, but it sounds like fun. Let’s go!

(Cut to Joey and Michael, Todd approaches Joey)

Todd: Joey, publicity needs you for a cast photo.

Joey: (Bummed) Oh, God, do I have to? Ugh. (Smiles at Michael) Yeah!

(Joey joins the rest of the cast getting ready for the cast picture, Bodie’s mom is fixing his hair)

Bodie: Mom, would you leave it alone? It’s fine!

(Gunnar walks up)

Joey: Gunnar, what are you doing here?

Gunnar: They hired me back.

Joey: But your character’s dead!

Gunnar: Ever hear of a ghost, jackass?

Joey: Ever hear of a breath mint, jackass?

(Cut to Michael, a girl approaches him)

Anna: Hey, I’m Anna.

Michael: Hi, I’m Michael. Nice to meet you.

Anna: You look so familiar. I swear I’ve seen you on TV.

Michael: Yeah, you probably recognize me from the 1994 Scripps-Howard National Spelling Bee. 6th place. Went out on engastrimythic.

Anna: You’re smart. I like that. I was thinking about getting a drink at the bar.

Michael: Uh huh. Well, say hi to it for me.

(Anna walks leaves, Joey joins Michael, he was watching him talk to Anna)

Joey: Boy, Michael, I thought you lost her with that spelling bee stuff but then you saved it with that “Say hi to the bar”?

Michael: I don’t- she just came over and started talking to me. Should I get her a drink, am I supposed to compliment her?

Joey: Relax, relax, Michael. She’s already into you. Okay? And I’ve looked around. It doesn’t seem to be a practical joke, so, I say go for it.

Michael: (Sees Brent Spiner sitting at a table) Oh my God, it’s Brent Spiner.

Joey: Who?

Michael: He played Data on Star Trek: The Next Generation. It’s like my favorite show of all time. Oh my God, I gotta go talk to him.

Joey: No, no, no, no. You have to go talk to the girl.

Michael: What should I do? I mean, should I- should I get him a drink, or should I compliment him?

Joey: I don’t know how to pick up Brent Spiner!

[Scene: The Deep Powder Premiere Party – Lauren and Joey]

Joey: Wow, Lauren, you look beautiful. If you weren’t my boss, I’d be having some thoughts right now. (Smiles) Whoop.. there they are. Ooh, who’s your friend?

Lauren: Thanks, I guess. You look really nice too, except that, um, your bow tie’s a little crooked and if you don’t fix it, I may have to leave this conversation.

Joey: Okay, okay, okay. (Straightens his bow tie) There.

Lauren: I’m sorry I was so tough on the tickets. I hope your friends weren’t too disappointed.

Joey: Oh, hey, the rules are the rules, right? As much as they wanted to come, they’ll just have to sit at home like the rest of the 20,000 people and watch.

Lauren: That would be the least rated show on network TV. We’d all be fired.

Joey: Then I have made a terrible wish on a shooting star.

Lauren: (Looks across the room) Oh my God, what is my ex-boyfriend doing here?

Joey: The guy from the phone?

Lauren: What is Martin doing here?

Joey: Uh, you mean that Martin, or a Martin behind him?

Lauren: (Looking at Gina) Look at that women he’s with, and look at her dress.

What is this, the Adult Video Awards? Joey: Uh, forget that. Hey, look over there. Is that the words Deep Powder spelled out in shrimp?

(Lauren walks up to Martin and Gina, Joey follows)

Lauren: Martin, what are you doing here? I thought we agreed you weren’t gonna come tonight.

Martin: I wasn’t going to, but then I was told everyone wanted me here!

Lauren: Who told you that?

Martin: He did! (Points to Joey)

Lauren: Oh really, and did he provide the skank as well?

Joey: Oh, Lauren, have you not met my sister, Gina?

Lauren: (Turns to Joey) Why did you convince Martin to come tonight?

Joey: Okay, I don’t want to blame you, but none of this would’ve ever happened if you’d just given me the extra tickets.

Lauren: Oh, so now this is my fault that Martin’s here (Turns to Gina) with this-

Gina: Call me a skank again and I will pound on you so hard you will swell up to normal size.

Lauren: Speaking of size, whatever you paid for your breasts, it was too much.

Gina: Oh really? 500 dollars is too much?

Joey: Guys, come on, come on. Look, Lauren, how was I supposed to know he was your boyfriend? You’re way too good for this guy!

Gina: Oh but I’m good enough for him?

Joey: Yes.

Lauren: Unbelievable.

(Lauren leaves)

Joey: Thanks a lot, Martin. You know, you could’ve told me she was your ex. Gina, you know that thing I told him you were gonna do? Forget it!

(Joey walks off, Gina turns to Michael)

Gina: We’ll see.

[Scene: The Deep Powder Premiere Party – Michael awkwardly walks over to Brent Spiner]

Michael: Lieutenant Commander Data sir. Sensors indicate we are go for party.

Brent: One day, just one day without this, that’s all I ask.

Michael: Look, I’m sorry, I just- I had to come and talk to you, because you’re character helped me get through a very awkward period of my life. Starting when I was 14 and ending.. well, hopefully sometime in the next couple years, but can I just ask you a few questions?

Brent: Look, you seem like a nice guy. You can ask me about any of the plays or films I’ve been in. I’d be happy to talk to you about art, music, literature. I’d just rather not talk about Star Trek.

Michael: Okay. So what were the ferengi like?

[Scene: The Deep Powder Premiere Party – Carol and Alex]

Carol: So, you know, I love working on the show, but my true passion is trying to bring women’s field hockey to the 2008 Olympic games.

Alex: Wow, you are so interesting. I really like you.

Carol: I really like you too.

Alex: Gosh, you know, it’s just so hard to find a good girl friend, but this feels kind of right.

Carol: Yeah. Do you wanna dance?

Alex: Okay, girl friend!

(They start dancing, Carla pulls Alex’s head to her chest)

Alex: Oh, we’re doing this now.

[Scene: The Deep Powder Premiere Party – Bobbie , Michael, and Brent Spiner]

Bobbie: Michael! Oh, I thought that was you. Well aren’t you a sexy little fancy man?

Michael: Well, uh, Joey didn’t tell me you’d be here.

Bobbie: He didn’t tell me you’d be here. If he had I wouldn’t have brought Data.

Brent: Bobbie, look, come on. You’re my agent. You know I don’t like that. I was just telling him, I don’t want to talk about Data.

Bobbie: You listen to me, Mr. Roboto. Michael is a fan, and if he wants you to be Data, then you be Data. If he wants you to be R2D2 then I want to hear “Blippity-blop-sqwuark!” I’m gonna give you boys a chance to talk. (To Michael) One day, you’ll return the favor hard.

(Bobbie leaves)

Michael: Look, if you don’t want to talk about Star Trek-

Brent: No, no, no. I’m sorry. She’s right. Sit down. Please, just, what do you want to know?

Michael: Seriously? Well, I’ve always wondered about your evil twin brother, Lore. When you- when he- when lore- God, I’ve practiced this in front of a mirror so many times. Um, (Sees Anna waving to him) Can you excuse me for just one second, Mr. Spiner?

Brent: Call me Brent.

Michael: (Laughs) Call you Brent. (Looks up) Thank you. (To Brent) One second.

(Michael joins Anna at a table)

Michael: Hey, how’s it going?

Anna: I thought you left.

Michael: No, uh, I wouldn’t leave when a woman of such great pulchritude was here. Pulchritude. That’s a word I spelled in competition once. That’s P-U-L-C-H-R-

Anna: Spelling is totally hot.

Michael: Totally hot. (Looks up) Are you kidding? (Sees Brent walking out the door) Oh my God, Brent’s leaving.

Anna: The guy from Independence Day?

Michael: Yeah, Independence Day. Good. That’s good. I’ll be right back.

(Cut to Joey walking past Alex and Carol dancing)

Joey: Howdy boys.

(Walks up to Bobbie)

Bobbie: Joey!

Joey: Bobbie, hey. Thanks so much for coming.

Bobbie: I got an advanced copy of the show. You were fabulous.

Joey: Really?

Bobbie: Yeah, I laughed my butt off!

Joey: It’s a drama.

Bobbie: Oh, no, I don’t think so.

(Bobbie leaves, Joey walks over to Lauren)

Joey: Uh, hey, Lauren. Uh, look, the shows about to start in 5 minutes. I just wanted to make sure you were okay about the whole Martin thing.

Lauren: You are the most frustrating human being I have ever met! Joey: (Looks at his watch) Okay, 4 minutes, 40 seconds. You’re not crying, I think I can make an apology in time.

Lauren: You know, I just didn’t expect to see him tonight and it’s just completely thrown me off. Why couldn’t you just stick to the one ticket rule?

Joey: Did you ever think that maybe you have too many rules?

Lauren: No.

Joey: Really? You don’t think you’re wound a little tight?

Lauren: No.

Joey: Oh, then what do you think of, I don’t know, this. (Pulls on his bowtie making it uneven)

Lauren: (Fixes it) Don’t do that.

Joey: (Pulls it down again) Don’t do what?

Lauren: (Fixes it again) Stop it!

Joey: Look at that, you proved me wrong!

Lauren: You know what, I just like things to be just so, but I don’t expect you to understand. I mean, this shirt is wrinkled, your hair’s a mess, you’ve got a hangnail. You know, I need a lint brush, Todd!

Joey: Hey, hey!

Lauren: What?

(Joey kisses Lauren)

Lauren: Why did you do that?

Joey: To calm you down.

Lauren: Oh my God, it worked. Do it again.

Joey: But what about my germs?

Lauren: I’ll boil my face later.

(They kiss again)

[Scene: The Deep Powder Premiere Party – Michael and Brent]

Michael: I felt like the way the show explored the nature of the android, really said a lot about what it means to be human.

Brent: Hmm, I never thought of it that way. I was too busy hitting on Klingon extras. Which, let me tell you, is risky business. Until all that make up comes off, you don’t know what you’re getting.

(A man walks up to Brent asking for an autograph, Anna joins Michael)

Anna: Hey, I’m gonna take off. I was wondering, do you want to come back to my place, have a drink?

Michael: Yes. Y E S.

Brent: (To Michael) Hey, I’m gonna hit the road. You know, I don’t know if you’d be interested, but uh, I keep an old space suit in the car to impress women. You wanna see it?

(Michael looks at Anna, and then looks at Brent)

Michael: I’m sorry. I’m really gonna have to go with Brent.

(Anna walks off)

Michael: She was like a Deltan and a Betazoid all rolled into one.

Brent: You got that right brother.

[Scene: In a dressing room at the Deep Powder Premiere Party – Lauren and Joey kissing]

Joey: Are we making a mistake? Uh, Lauren, Lauren. We are so good together, but this is wrong.

Lauren: Loosen up. You’re wound too tight.

Joey: No. Okay, look, look. This would be amazing, but this is the most important job I’ve had in my life, and I hate to say it, but some things are more important than sex. I may be the first Tribbiani in history to ever say that.

Lauren: You’re right. I was the one with the rule about no on-set romances, and look at me.

Joey: Oh, I’m looking at you.

Lauren: Technically, we’re really not on set.

Joey: (They lean in to kiss, but Joey pulls out of it) Okay, I can’t talk you out of this twice. Let’s get out of here!

[Scene: The Premiere Party – Everyone’s watching Deep Powder]

Sawyer: Come on Captain Powder, you gotta run. The bomb’s gonna ‘splode!

Joey: Hey.

Gina: Oh, there you are. You just missed your first scene. You are so good. I mean, I could kind of tell you were talking to the tree, but it works.

Joey: Really?

Gina: Oh, yeah. I am so proud of you. The show is good.

Bobbie: (Laughing) Oh, God.

Martin: (To Bobbie) Hey, could you keep it down?

Bobbie: I am not gonna keep it down. That’s my client. He’s the funniest thing in this.

(Bobbie continues laughing, Joey smiles)

[Scene: The Deep Powder Premiere Party – Carol and Alex]

Alex: Whoo, you could teach my husband a thing or two about dancing.

Carol: You’re married?

Alex: Yeah.

Carol: Great, my last girlfriend was married. I’m never gonna go through that again.

Alex: Well why can’t I be married and still have you as a girl friend?

Carol: Wouldn’t you feel like you’re living a lie?

Alex: (Confused) Yeah, I guess a little.

Carol: You call me when you’re ready to be honest to yourself.

Alex: Okay. Wait, are we still going to…?


Voir la fiche épisode, le script V.O. et le script V.F.

[Scene: Bobbie’s Office]

Joey: Hey.

Bobbie: Oh, well, look who’s here and hour and a half late.

Joey: I’m so sorry.

Bobbie: What’s gotten into you? You’re late all the time. Last night you missed the benefit with the lingerie models.

Joey: Well, did they raise a lot of money? Will those girls get the help they need?

Bobbie: You are very erratic lately. Are you doing some new designer drug that might have on your person?

Joey: No, no. It’s just I’ve- I’ve been working so much that I having a hard time keeping track of things.

Bobbie: Well, you need to find a personal assistant.

Joey: You think that would help?

Bobbie: Oh, sure. They run errands for you. They organize your personal life. Plus, they do tricks! Watch this. (Turns on the intercom) Jason, would you be a doll and come in here with a cup balanced on your head?

(Jason enters with a cup on his head)

Bobbie: Jason, say hi to Joey Tribbiani.

Jason: Hello. I have a Master’s Degree.

Bobbie: Thanks, dear. That’s all for now. Back in the box.

Joey: All right, I’m gonna do it. I’m gonna get an assistant. Uh, any advice?

Bobbie: Well, you need to find someone who’s a good fit for you. Personally, I’m always pro-gay. They smell good, and they’ve got those quick little fingers.

(Jason enters)

Jason: Bobbie, I wanted to remind you, we have a 4:00 departmental meeting.

Bobbie: Thank you, Jason. Now do the robot for Joey.

(Jason does the robot; Joey and Bobbie laugh)

Joey: That is just what I need!

[Opening Credits]

[Scene: Joey and Michael’s Apartment – Alex, Gina, Joey] Joey: Hey.

Alex: Hi. What you got there?

Joey: Oh, uh, résumés. Yeah, I need a personal assistant now that I’m a busy celebrity. A guy recognized me on the street yesterday.

Gina: A homeless man asked if you were Jesus.

Joey: He knew who I was.

(Michael enters)

Michael: (Depressed) Hey.

Gina: Hey. What’s wrong?

Michael: I just got in a big fight with my so-called friend, Seth.

Joey: Wait a minute, Nerds fight each other? Don’t you get enough grief from normal people?

Michael: No, we- we invented a new material for the heat shields in rockets. Now Seth is filing a patent and he wants to try to take all the credit himself.

Alex: Why would he do that?

Michael: It’s a scientific break through. There’s a lot at stake here; money, fame, a very specific kind of woman.

Alex: You know, I can help you sort that out. I mean, I am a lawyer.

Gina: Ooh, sue him. I haven’t been in a lawsuit since that dog-biting thing.

Joey: Whoa, whoa, whoa. A dog bit you?

Michael: No, no. She bit the dog.

Gina: Hey, I choose who humps me, not the other way around.

Alex: Um, actually, I’m not talking about a lawsuit here. I’m just talking about a mediation. Um, I’ll set up a meeting with Seth and all you have to do it show up.

Michael: I don’t know if that’s going to solve anything, but it’s worth a shot. Okay, thanks.

Joey: Alright, who wants to go through this pile of résumés with me and help me find an assistant.

Gina: (Pulling the résumé out of Joey’s hand) What are you wasting your time with these idiots for? Hire me!

Joey: (Hesitantly) Okay, if you really wanna do it.

Gina: I don’t like the way you just said that. I quit.

Joey: Well, I knew I couldn’t keep you here forever. Good luck, Gina.

(They shake hands)

[Scene: Joey and Michael’s Apartment – Joey is interviewing a potential assistant]

Joey: Wow, Travis, your résumé’s impressive. Let me throw a scenario at you: I send you to the video store. Which Die Hard movie do you bring back?

Travis: Uh, the first one?

Joey: I’m sorry, the correct answer was all three. Thanks for stopping by.

(Travis leaves; Howard enters)

Howard: Let me be your assistant!

Joey: Don’t you already have a job?

Howard: I’m Senior Vice President of the third largest bank in California, but it’s a dead-end job.

(Someone knocks on the door; Joey answers)

Glen: Hi, I’m here for the assistant’s position. I’m Glen.

Joey: (Shakes Glen’s hand) Joey.

Howard: (Sarcastically) Glen. Nice name!

Glen: Oh, what- what’s yours?

Howard: Howard J. Peckerman!

(Howard leaves)

Joey: (Takes Glen’s résumé) Come on in, Glen. All right, why don’t you tell me a little about yourself?

Glen: Uh, well, I moved out here five years ago, started doing this, and loved it.

Joey: Oh, where are you from?

Glen: Minnesota.

Joey: Wow, you’re English is great. Uh, what kind of car do you drive?

Glen: Oh, I have a pick-up truck.

Joey: If I hire you, may I ride around in the back like a dog?

Glen: Sure, you’re the boss.

Joey: Excellent. Okay, next question: It’s two in the morning, I’m hungry, what do you get me and why?

Glen: Hmm, I’m gonna have to go with pizza, because you can eat it directly off your stomach without utensils while still lying in bed.

Joey: (Pause) I gotta be honest with you, Glen. You’re blowing me away here.

(Glen smiles)

Joey: Okay, let’s get down to the serious stuff. Who would win between Dracula and the Wolf Man?

Glen: Definitely the Wolf Man.

Joey: What? No way. How?

Glen: Because he’d fight Dracula to a draw until dawn, and then Dracula would turn to dust and the Wolf Man would just turn into a normal dude.

Joey: I never thought of it like that. That changes everything.

(Gina enters)

Gina: Joey, where were you? You were supposed to help me clean out my garage a half hour ago.

Joey: Oh, look Gina, I’m sorry. I uh-

Glen: Hi, I’m Glen, and this is all my fault. I was late for my interview and Joey was just telling me that he was supposed to be helping you. I’m really, really sorry.

Joey: Yeah, thanks a lot Glen. You made me miss cleaning out her garage!

Gina: Why didn’t you just call?

Joey: Uhhh, I-

Glen: He couldn’t call, ‘cause he was stuck on the phone with me. He had to give me directions. I got lost. I’m such an idiot.

Joey: Mm hmm, yeah. Stupid, stupid Glen. (Knocks on Glen's head)

Gina: This neighborhood can be confusing. I’m sorry I snapped at you, Joey. I’m gonna go make dinner.

Joey: Okay.

(Gina walks into the kitchen)

Joey: You want the job?

Glen: When do I start?

Joey: I think you already did.

[Scene: The Courtyard]

Glen: Hey-hey, boss.

Joey: Hey.

Glen: That was a late shoot last night, but you were great.

Joey: Thanks, yeah, It was nice having you there, and thanks for running lines with me, and getting me water, and dealing with that crazy fan.

Glen: Did she find your dressing room okay?

Joey: Yes, she did.

Glen: Okay, so listen. I have these contracts for you to sign, and here is your schedule for today. Oh, and uh, some girl Amelia called.

Joey: Ooh…

Glen: Do you want me to break up with her but still leave an opening so you guys can sleep together?

Joey: You just got yourself employee of the month.

(Gina Enters)

Gina: Hey.

Glen: Hey.

Joey: Hey.

Gina: I’m just dropping off Michael’s pants. He asked me to hem them for him.

Glen: Wow, that’s a- that’s a good looking hem.

Gina: Thanks for noticing. I swear, if I didn’t take care of this stuff, he’d walk outside naked.

Glen: (Referring to Joey) This one got marker all over the wall yesterday.

(Joey rolls his eyes; Gina goes into the apartment)

Glen: Man, your sister is beautiful. Is she single?

Joey: Ooh, my trusty valet is interested in the lady of the manor.

Glen: Do you think I have a chance?

Joey: Uh, yeah.

(Gina enters The Courtyard)

Glen: Hey, Gina. Listen, um, I think you’re a really interesting woman and I-

Joey: Whoa! Whoa, whoa. You’re working way too hard there, Glen. (To Gina) You wanna go out with this guy?

Gina: I don’t know. I don’t know much about him. Let me ask you a few questions. What kind of car do you drive?

Glen: A pick-up truck.

Gina: Oh, can we drive around and have Joey in the back like a dog?

Glen: I’ve already agreed to that.

Gina: Okay, will you take me to a nice restaurant?

Glen: What constitutes a nice restaurant?

Gina: Ketchup in a bottle. All the crackers I want.

Glen: Do you need a salad bar?

Gina: I am not the Queen of England.

Glen: I know a place.

Gina: All right, pick me up at seven.

Glen: All right.

(Gina leaves)

Joey: Soo, you and Gina, huh?

Glen: Yeah.

Joey: Let me tell you something. That is my sister. Okay, if you do anything to upset her, you’re gonna get the beating of a life time. (Pause) And then she’s gonna come after me.

[Scene: Court mediation room – Seth Enters]

Alex: Oh, hello again, Mr. Tobin. Thanks very much for coming.

Seth: Can we make this quick? Every minute I am not conducting research is a crushing blow to science. (To Michael) I really don’t understand why you had to bring a lawyer into this.

Alex: Actually, I’m here as an impartial mediator, not as either party’s attorney.

(They all sit down)

Seth: But you are an attorney, so I was correct; Michael did bring a lawyer into this Q.E.D. Which law school by the way?

Alex: Pepperdine.

Seth: In that case, I should explain: “Q.E.D.” is a term-

Alex: All right! Let’s just start the mediation. First of all, I would like you each to state your claim to the material in question.

Seth: Why don’t I go first, and then Michael can just steal what I say?

Michael: That’s tough talk coming from the guy that thought impregnating a ceramic with aerosolized metal would increase porousness without losing strength.

Seth: Let’s not get personal here.

Alex: You know what, he’s right. The point of mediation is to resolve the dispute in a calm and peaceful way.

Seth: (Stands up) Which we’d have a chance of doing if we had a real lawyer.

Alex: (Stands up) I am a real lawyer, Mr. Tobin.

Seth: Oh, is Ally McBeal getting a little flustered?

Alex: You know what? Forget the mediation.

Seth: Fine.

Alex: I suggest you get a lawyer because’ you’re gonna need one.

(Seth leaves)

Alex: Gosh, that guy has got to be a virgin.

Michael: Careful.

Alex: Sorry.

[Scene: Joey and Michael’s Apartment – Glen enters]

Joey: Hey. Glen, where’ve you been?

Glen: I know, I’m sorry. Gina kept me out late again last night, but listen, I’m here now, and I’m all yours.

Joey: Okay, yeah. You got my schedule and my phone list?

Glen: Ah, no. No, no, no. I left them over at Gina’s.

Joey: Glen, her to zero.

(Gina Enters)

Glen: Hey, you left these papers. I thought you might need them.

Joey: Oh good, my schedule. (Takes the schedule from Gina and looks it over) Oh, no. No, Glen. This doesn’t make any sense. You got me bathing every day? What are you trying to do, dissolve me?

Glen: You know what, I’ll- I’ll revise it.

Gina: Hey, will you get me a glass of water?

Glen: That’s all the way in the kitchen. Won’t you miss me?

Gina: I sure will, but I’ll be liking the view.

(Glen heads to the kitchen; Joey clears his throat)

Glen: Oh, Joey, do you want something to drink?

Joey: Yes, a banana milkshake please.

(Glen leaves to get the drinks)

Joey: I gotta say, I am not loving your affect on Glen.

Gina: I can’t help it. I’m intoxicating. Many men have been unable to do their jobs after dating me.

Joey: Oh, how sad for the people who wanted to buy drugs from them.

(Gina glares at him)

Joey: I can’t believe this. He was the perfect assistant; a few days with you and he’s broken. This isn’t gonna work.

Gina: What, just ‘cause he’s a little distracted I can’t go out with him?

Joey: Yeah. He really helps me. Okay? He does my errands; he helps me memorize the script. Do you know how much easier it is to act when you know your lines? Look, I need Glen to be totally focused on my needs.

(Glen enters with the drinks)

Glen: (Handing Joey his Banana Milkshake) Hey, I had to make it with skim milk. I hope you don’t mind.

(Joey gasps)

[Scene: Joey and Michael’s Apartment – Alex Enters]

Alex: Hey, Michael. Listen, we need to have some kind of proof that you and Seth came up with this idea together. So I need you to remember everything about that day; no detail is too small.

Michael: All right, we were sitting at the kitchen table talking about thermal setting polymers. Seth insisted on keeping all the notes on his precious laptop. It’s hard to remember the details ‘cause Joey kept throwing stuff at us and calling us nerds.

Joey: Yeah, I threw some pretty hard stuff at you guys.

Alex: Wait, Joey was here? We have an eyewitness.

Michael: You’re right. Joey, do you remember anything Seth and I said?

Joey: Oh, I remember everything. Actors are trained to observe.

Alex: That’s great. Okay, take us through everything you saw.

Joey: Okay, um, I was sitting right here watching a rerun of the A-Team. Uh, you guys were over there talking, and then Michael said, “Blah, blah, blah, science stuff.” And Mr. T said, “ I ain’t gettin’ on no plane.” And then Michael said, “Blah, blah, blah” and then Seth said, “I pity the fool!”- Oh wait, that might’ve been Mr. T.

Michael: All right, so the fact that you were here is useless.

Alex: No, not exactly. Uh, Seth will remember that Joey was here, right?

Joey: Oh, I think so. I beamed him like right here with a battery. (Points to his head)

Alex: But Seth doesn’t know that you don’t remember anything, so we’ll bluff and say that you do. All you have to do is stand there and look thoughtful.

Joey: Okay, I just need to think of something to give me that serious face.

Michael: What’s seven times nine?

(Joey tries to calculate in his head, he looks serious and confused)

Michael: Perfect.

[Scene: Joey and Michael’s Apartment – Howard and Joey]

(The phone rings; Howard answers it)

Howard: Joey Tribbiani’s phone, and what may I say this is regarding?

(Howard hands Joey the phone, Joey looks for him to tell him who it is)

Howard: I can’t remember!

Joey: Hello. No. I don’t know what time I’m supposed to be there. Well, I don’t have my regular assistant and the temp I got isn’t working out.

(Howard whines)

Joey: Let me call my assistant, and I’ll call you back. Okay. (Hangs up and calls Glen) I can’t believe it. Glen turned his cell phone off.

Howard: I’ll kill him for you.

Joey: He’s over at Gina’s. I bet she had him turn it off. This is ridiculous. I’m going over there.

Howard: I bet they’ll be surprised to see us.

Joey: I’m dropping you off at the bank.

Howard: I hate it there!

[Scene: Gina’s Apartment]

Joey: (Entering) Glen, publicity called to set up an interview. I need my schedule.

Glen: Oh, I’ll go get it.

Gina: No, you are on a date.

Joey: Well, I need it.

Gina: He’s not your slave.

Joey: Glen, tell her she’s wrong.

Glen: Joey, why didn’t you call me about this earlier?

Joey: Well, I tried to, but your cell phone’s off.

Glen: What? (Picks up his phone) I don’t see how that could’ve- (Looks at Gina, she looks guilty) Gina, you can’t take an assistant’s cell phone. That’s like taking a scalpel away from a surgeon.

Gina: Except surgeons don’t have to help my brother build forts!

Glen: Okay, you know what? Um, I think I’m in the middle of some weird family stuff, so I’m just gonna go get the schedule.

Joey: Good.

(Glen leaves)

Gina: Thanks a lot, Joey. Now I’m gonna have to watch Sister Act by myself!

Joey: You are unbelievable. I told you how much Glen means to me!

Gina: Well, I like him too.

Joey: You don’t like him. You just want to be with him because I told you not to. You’ll be tired of him in a week.

Gina: Maybe I won’t be tired of him!

Joey: What does that mean?

Gina: It means that I like, maybe kinda really like him.

Joey: Yeah?

Gina: Glen is different. When we went to the video store, he held the door open for me.

Joey: For you?

Gina: I know! And between you and me, I don’t think he was that in to Sister Act, but he let me choose. And he didn’t even glance at the porn section, which I happen to find very respectful. He’s a good guy. I’m not used to that. It feels kinda nice.

Joey: OK, you know what? You can have him.

Gina: Oh, but you need him to.

Joey: No. It’s about time you had a healthy relationship.

Gina: Oh, like you’re one to talk.

Joey: I am.

Gina: Oh yeah? How’s your wife, by the way?

Joey: Sadly my wife has not been born yet.

[Scene: Court Mediation Room – Alex, Michael, Seth, and Seth’s Lawyer]

Alex: All we’re asking Seth to do is sign this affidavit, saying that they both worked on the project.

Seth’s Lawyer (Dwight): And why would we sign this?

Alex: Because someone was present when Michael and Seth together invented the material in question. A secret eyewitness: Joey Tribbiani. (waits for Joey to enter, but he doesn’t) Joey Tribbiani! Ugh.

Joey: (Sticks his head inside the door) I’m sorry, what did we say my cue was?

Alex: Just come out now!

(Joey re-enters, walking like he’s an important person)

Alex: So, I suggest you sign the affidavit right now.

Dwight: Before we sign, we’d like to hear what your witness has to say.

Alex: And why is that necessary?

Dwight: Because he might be bluffing.

(Michael, Alex, and Joey laugh uncomfortably)

Alex: Blufing.... I don’t think so.

Dwight: Please.

Alex: Okay. Joey, why don’t you prove to these people beyond a shadow of a doubt that we are not bluffing? Michael, let’s hold hands.

Joey: Ah, yes. I remember the day very well. Especially the science… stuff. A lot of numbers were used. 6, 12, 14. All of the usual suspects.

Seth: You know what, he doesn’t remember anything. He probably went to Pepperdine.

Joey: Whoa, whoa, hold on there, buddy. I may not be the smartest guy you’ll ever meet, but I didn’t go to Pepperdine.

Dwight: I think we’ve heard enough.

Michael: This is just great!

(They all start to leave)

Joey: Hey, hey, wait a second you guys. I just thought of something.

Michael: What, what is it? The theme song to the A-Team?

Joey: No. Watch this. (Walks over to Seth and his lawyer) Well, I’ll tell you what I do remember. Michael and Seth were stuck on something, so they got up to take a walk. I looked over at Seth’s computer, hoping to find a video game. Instead, I started opening files and found something much more naughty.

Seth: You touched my computer? What did you find?

Joey: Something erotic. Some might say, deviant. Should I just tell everyone, or should I write it down so we can enter it in the permanent record.

Seth: Okay, fine. You win!

Dwight: Really? Don’t you want to hear what he has to say?

Seth: No, I remember now. Michael and I invented it together. It’s fine.

(Joey talks to Alex and Michael)

Michael: What did you find on his computer?

Joey: Nothing. I was- I was bluffing, but I really wanna see it now.

Alex: You were bluffing? That was brilliant! How did you know that would work?

Joey: Please, every guy has a disgusting folder on his computer.

Michael: There’s nothing disgusting on my computer.

Joey: Oh really? Why don’t you check a file called “Joey’s Tax Stuff”?

[Scene: Joey and Michael’s Apartment – Gina, Joey, and Glen]

Joey: Uh, look, it’s been a little awkward having to share you with Gina, but I think I’ve worked something out that’s in everyone’s best interest. I’m letting you go.

Glen: That’s in my best interest? I’m out of a job.

Joey: Hey, I just lost my assistant. Let’s not play the “Who’s got it worse?” game.

Glen: Wait, this- this is crazy. I can do both. We can work out some guidelines if you two could just be reasonable.

Gina: (Laughing) No.

Joey: (Laughing) That’s never gonna happen.

Glen: Come on, I’m serious. I mean, as long as we’re clear about what everyone expects, this doesn’t have to be a problem.

Gina: I guess we could talk about a way to share him.

Joey: Well, obviously I’d get him during the week.

Gina: That’s fine if I can get him nights and weekends.

Joey: Well, what about the holidays?

Gina: Um, you get him Thanksgiving, I get him Christmas.

Glen: Actually, I have a family-

Joey: Glen, please. Oh, and another thing, when you guys are over here: no kissing.

Gina: And when we’re out, no prank calling him.

Joey: I don’t know what you’re talking about, but I will pass it along to Senor Fartez. Well, seems like we’ve got some guidelines.

Gina: Yeah, we can make this work.

Joey: Well we should celebrate. Hey Glen, why don’t you run down to the sore and get us some champagne?

Glen: Actually, it’s uh, it’s past 5 o’clock, so it’s uh, it’s Gina time.

Joey: Oh.

Gina: Glen, why don’t you run down to the store and get us some champagne?

[Scene: Bobbie’s Office – Joey, Bobbie, Jason & Glen – Jason is doing the Robot]

Bobbie: Now make yours do it.

Joey: Bobbie, first of all, his name is Glen. Second, I don’t make my assistant do tricks. That’s not the kind of boss I am. I don’t just think of him as an employee; I think of him as a friend.

Glen: Thanks, Joey.

Joey: Even though the Robot is a fun dance, and I do enjoy watching it, especially when done skillfully…(Looks at Glen)

(Glen does the Robot)

Bobbie: Come on, Jason, get in there!

(Jason does the Robot too)

Bobbie: Now, fight!

(Jason and Glen, still doing the Robot, start fighting)


Voir la fiche épisode, le script V.O. et le script V.F.

[Scene: The Deep Powder Set - Joey is shooting a scene]

Joey: Hang on, Lizzie.

Lizzie: I can't. It's too hard.

Joey: Then I'll carry you off this mountain. (Lifts up the girl into his arms) I'll carry you for as long as it takes to get you home.

Director: Cut!

Joey: (Puts down the little girl; she walks off) Oh man, how heavy is that kid? What, does she have weights in her pockets?

Director: Okay, we'll finish this after lunch, people.

Joey: Yeah, have a nice lunch. (Looks at the little girl) Maybe just a salad.

(Bobbie Enters)

Bobbie: Hey, Joey.

Joey: Bobbie. Hey. Hey everyone, this is my agent, Bobbie.

Bobbie: Hello, everyone. I just watched your last scene. Wow! You're all so lucky to have work. (To Joey) So what do you think? Are you excited to do it?

Joey: (Confused) What are you talking about?

Bobbie: Did I not tell you? I'm a little off. I was at the gate looking through my purse for my wallet, and I accidentally tasered myself.

Joey: So, what's the news?

Bobbie: Well, the tonight show had a cancellation for tomorrow, and they called to ask me if I had anyone who could fill in. I suggested you, and they said yes!

Joey: You're kidding!

Bobbie: I'm as stunned as you are!

Joey: I'm gonna be on the Tonight Show? Oh my God! This is unbelievable. This is like one of those moments I've dreamed of my whole life. The only thing bigger than this would be like, I don't know, making my Oscar speech.

Bobbie: (Laughs) Oscar? Did you get tasered too?

[Opening Credits]

[Scene: Joey and Michael's Apartment - 4 AM - Joey is watching TV; Michael Enters]

Michael: It's four in the morning. Shouldn't you be in bed? Tomorrow's your big day.

Joey: I can't sleep. I'm too nervous.

(Michael opens the refrigerator)

Joey: Don't bother. I ate it. Hey, you don't mind if I watch it again, do you?

Michael: Sure.

Jay Leno: Tune in tomorrow night. My guests will be Colin Farrel, Deep Powder's Joey Tribbiani, and musical guest Maroon 5. It's gonna be a good show.

Joey: Didn't he sound kind of excited when he said my name? I betcha he can't sleep either. God, I still can't believe it. Tomorrow night I am gonna be sitting on that couch. Is it lame that I'm this nervous?

Michael: No. No, this is huge. Joey, you're gonna be great.

Joey: Thanks. It's just, when I was a kid, I used to dream about being on the Tonight Show. You know, Johnny Carson would come out and introduce me and I'd come out and he'd say, 'How you doin' Joey?' and I'd say, 'Just great, Johnny' and now that day is finally here. I'm so scared, 'cause-

Michael: Because you're afraid you're gonna say Johnny's name instead of Jay's?

Joey: It could so happen.

[Scene: Joey and Michael's House - Gina, Alex & Joey; Gina is cutting Joey's hair]

Gina: I spoke to Mom. Everyone is so excited. They're all gonna watch it over at Mary Angela's, except for Mary Teresa who has to be home to watch Nightline. That bitch with her current events.

Alex: People in the building are excited, too.

Joey: Oh, really?

Alex: Yeah well, it's a solid two hours they know you won't be in the hot tub.

(Michael Enters)

Michael: I got your suit.

Joey: Oh, great. Thanks.

Michael: Did you know that there was a woman's number in the pocket? (Hands Joey her number)

Joey: Oh my God. To find a number I thought I'd lost forever, it's like the ending of a great romantic movie. (Unfolds the paper to read it) Oh, her? No.

Michael: So, do you have your stories prepared yet?

Joey: Ah, I got a few choices. Oh, tell me what you guys think. Um, it's a couple years ago at Halloween, and I'm going as the Grinch.

Gina: Cute.

Alex: Love it.

Joey: So, I meet this girl at a party. And 'cause I'm a little drunk and she's wearing a Catwoman mask, I just assume that she's pretty.

Gina: Stop. Alex: Ew.

Joey: Wait a minute, I didn't even get to the funny part yet. So, it turns out she was only 17. Oops.

Michael: Uh, maybe a diffrent story?

Joey: Um, ooh, okay. Well, I know a joke: This old French whore walks into a bar-

Michael: Yeah, I don't think she does. No, no. Not on the Tonight Show. Joey, you've gotta have something other than dirty jokes and sex stories.

Joey: Oh, like a heart-warming, family story?

Michael: Exactly.

Joey: Okay. Oh, here's something: Uh, one of my sister's breast fed her kid until he was 7.

Michael: So, what happened to this French whore?

[Scene: A Highway, on the way to The Tonight Show - Gina, Michael, and Joey]

Joey: Jay. Jay. Jay. Hi, Jay. I'm Joey. Johnny! Awh!

Gina: You had it.

Joey: I think that's as close as I'm gonna get. I still haven't figured out what I'm gonna do when I get there. Should I break dance?

Michael: No.

Joey: Bird calls?

Michael: No.

Joey: An impersanation of Jay?

Michael: Really, definitely, no.

Joey: Seriously, Michael, could you drive any slower?

Michael: There's a lot of traffic.

Joey: I can't be late. I go on in an hour! There should be a Tonight Show lane.

Gina: Hey! They guy in the red truck just cut you off. Pull up his next to his truck and give him the finger.

Michael: No.

Gina: Why not?

Michael: Because it's stupid.

Gina: You know, I don't insult the things that you do. Now come on, flip him off.

Michael: Mom, no. I've never given anyone the finger in my life.

Joey: Never? That's the Tribbiani handshake!

Gina: You're never gonna see him again. Just do it. What are you, scared?

Michael: No, I-

Gina: Are you a baby? Are you a big baby?

Michael: You are the best mom ever.

Gina: Michael, just do it. Otherwise she's never gonna leave you alone.

Michael: Okay, okay. (Gives the driver the finger) Are you happy now?

Joey: How did it feel?

Michael: Pretty good.

Gina: Can you believe this? Michael gave a guy the finger, and you're gonna be on the Tonight Show. Let us remember this day.

Michael: Uh-oh. We're slowing down.

Gina: What's the big deal?

Michael: Well, you said I'd never see this guy again, now we're stoopping right next to each other.

Joey: Oh great, we can take it to the next level: swearing. Gina?

Gina: Hmm.

Michael: No, no. Mom! Just, we're not moving. Is he still right next to me?

Gina: Pretty much.

Michael: (Turns to look at the driver) Oh, God. The guy's staring at me.

Joey: Well sure, Michael. You gave him the finger.

Gina: Look up ahead, people are getting out of their cars. Why are they getting out of their cars?

Joey: Oh my God, I can't be late.

Gina: I'll find out what's going on. I'm good with people. (Gets out of the car) Hey! What the hell?!

(Joey's phone rings; he answers it)

Joey: Hello.

Bobbie: Joey, oh, I'm so glad I caught you. There is a major traffic jam on the freeway. Do not take the 101.

Joey: I'm already on the 101.

Bobbie: Ugh! You actors never listen! Just get your ass over here.

(Joey hangs up; Gina runs back to the car)

Gina: You are not gonna believe it.

Joey: What?

Gina: I just met the hottest guy!

(Joey and Michael exchange glances)

Gina: Oh, dirty hair, great arms, drives an El Camino.

Joey: Gina, what about the traffic?!

Gina: Oh, well a truck jack-knifed, fell over, spilled stuff everywhere. The driver's okay, but he's so fired.

Joey: So what does this mean?

Gina: Well they closed all five lanes so they could clean it up. It's gonna be about an hour.

Joey: An hour? I can't wait that long. I'm gonna make a run for it. How far away are we?

Michael: (Skeptically) Nine miles.

Joey: Okay, nine miles in 45 minutes. Can I do that?

Michael: Are you a Kenyan man with a number on your back?

Joey: (Confused) I don't know what that means. I'm gonna give it a shot.

(Joey takes off running, but comes back groaning)

Joey: Aggracated an old injury.

Michael: Football?

Joey: No, no, threesome. All right, I'm never gonna make it there on foot. I'm gonna call Bobbie and see what my options are.

[Cut to Bobbie; her phone rings]

Bobbie: (Talking as if she's drunk) Oh, hello?

Joey: Bobbie? Is that you?

Bobbie: I just tasered myself again. I think on some level, I may be doing it on purpose.

Joey: Look, I need you to find out what the Tonight Show does if someone's late.

Bobbie: Oh, I am so on it. (Falls off the couch)

[Cut back to the car on the freeway]

Michael: Mom, what are you doing?

Gina: I want a picture of you and the first guy you ever gave the figner too. I'd tell him to smile but I don't think that's happening. (Looks through the lens of her camera and takes the picture) Huh.

Michael: What?

Gina: His license plate says 'Judo Man'.

Joey: Ah, he's not that big. He can't be Judo Man.

(The backseat window rolls down revealing a bulky man)

Joey: That's Judo Man.

[Cut back to Bobbie]

Bobbie: Joey!

Joey: Yeah?

Bobbie: I talked to the producers, and it turns out if you're late, they give away your spot and you're banned from the show for life.

Joey: That's terrible! Isn't there anything else you can do?

Bobbie: Do you have any idea how hard it was for me to crawl there?

[Scene: The Freeway]

Joey: Okay, I have to get there now! Otherwise, I'm never gonna be on the Tonight Show. I got 40 minutes. All right, let's brainstorm. What are some ways I can get the hell out of here?

(The sound of helicopters can be heard overhead)

Gina: You know what, it's crazy, but maybe we can get one of the news helicopters to come down and pick you up.

Joey: That's great! Okay, we just gotta get their attention. Uh, Ooh! Let's lie on the pavement and use our bodies to spell out 'Joey Tribbiani needs to get to the Tonight Show fast!'

Gina: I'll be the J!

Michael: What?! Whoa, whoa, guys. This is ridiculous.

Joey: Well you got any other ideas?

Gina: That hot guy in the El Camino seemed to have a good head on his shoulders. Maybe I'll just check in with him.

Joey: How is that gonna help me get to the Tonight Show?

Gina: Okay look, he asked me to stop by and hang out if I had some time.

Joey: I'm sorry, do you have a date in a traffic jam?

Gina: Don't put so much pressure on it.

Michael: Not that this isn't a great idea in every other way, but aren't you dating Joey's assistant?

Gina: Look, Glen's great, but there's no ring on this finger. (Holds up her ring finger) Oh, that's hilarious. That guy [in the red truck] must think I'm flicking him off.

Michael: Mom, put it down!

Gina: All right, I'll be back.

(Gina leaves; Michael looks over to see the two men in the red truck staring at him)

Michael: They won't stop staring at me! They didn't even look at my mom when she walked away.

Joey: Well they're probably gay.

Michael: Oh yeah, they heard that.

[Scene: Gina in "El Camino Guy's" Car]

El Camino Guy: (Talking about his tatoos) This is a Chinese black dragon, and this means 'Flower of Chaos'.

Gina: Flower of Chaos. I've been called that.

El Camino Guy: That is so hot.

Gina: Speaking of hot, huh?

El Camino Guy: Yeah, I know. It's gotta be 90 today.

Gina: What're you gonna do?

El Camino Guy: Nothing but sweat.

Gina: Wow!

El Camino Guy: You like music?

Gina: Sure. What's your favorite band?

El Camino Guy: You know Whitesnake?

Gina: No way! I just got the Japanese release of 'Slip Of The Tongue'.

El Camino Guy: No way! How is it?

Gina: I got it in my car. (Gets out of the car) Don't go anywhere.

El Camino GUy: Don't worry, I won't.

Gina: That's 'cause of the traffic.

El Camino Guy: That's right.

(Gina walks towards Joey's car but is stopped by another guy)

Guy: Hey, anything happening up there yet?

Gina: Yeah, they're still clearing the road.

(Guy sighs)

Gina: Nice car.

Guy: Thanks.

Gina: You, uh, got air conditioning in there?

Guy: Yeah.

Gina: What's that? A bottle of water?

Guy: Uh huh. Do you wanna come in for some?

Gina: Well, just for a little bit.

[Scene: The Freeway - Joey and Michael]

Michael: So, did you get that lady to give you her horse?

Joey: No, and the family in the mini van wouldn't loan me there big dog either.

(A cop drives by on a motorcycle)

Joey: That's it. A motorcycle. I just need to get a motorcycle!

Michael: That shouldn't be too hard. I think that old lady in the Acrua is going to be opening up a shop.

Joey: Yeah, that's funny. You know who'd get a chuckle out of that? Judo Man.

(Joey dials Alex's number)

[Scene: Alex's Office]

Alex: Mr. Tunaka, the government holds several documents with your signature implicating you and your companies misconduct.

(Mr. Tunaka stares blankly at her; Alex's phone rings)

Alex: Hopefully that's the translator.

Joey: You gotta get me a motorcycle!

Alex: (To Tunaka) It is not the translator.

Joey: No, it's me, Joey. Look, I'm stuck in traffic on the 101 nad the only way I can get to the Tonight Show is with a motorcycle.

Alex: Where am I supposed to get a motorcycle?

Joey: I don't know. Someone at your firm's gotta have one. Don't a lot of lawyers ride motorcycles on the weekends so their lives don't seem so empty and boring?

Alex: (Depressed) Oh. I gotta go.

[Scene: The Freeway - Joey, Gina, & Michael]

Gina: Okay, I got a big problem.

Joey: Do ya?!

Gina: So, this El Camino guy is totally my type: very sexy, we have tons of stuff in common, but then I met this other guy in a Mercedes: Safe, kinda boring, but he has seats softer than my skin. I just don't know what to do. They're both so great but so diffrent. I mean, do I follow my heart or opt for security?

Joey: You've been gone ten minutes!

(A cop on a motorcycle drives by; Joey stops him)

Joey: Officer, officer, look. I'm supposed to be on the Tonight Show in half an hour. Is there any way you could give me a ride?

Cop: You're on the Tonight Show? Wait a second, you're Tony Danza!

Joey: Yes, I am!

Cop: Well I'll tell you what, I'm going past there anyway. I'll drop you off.

Joey: This is great, thank you!

Cop: (Yelling at a man) Sir, you have to get down from there! (To Joey) Just a second, Mr. Danza.

Joey: Hey, please. Tony.

(The Cop leaves his bike to talk to the man)

Joey: Oh my God, I think it's gonna work!

(A man's voice comes through the Cop's radio)

Cop's Radio: Officer Bradley, we have a 10-12.

Gina: Oh my God, that's a woman going into labor!

Joey: How do you know that?

Gina: I was a 10-12 on my way to the prom.

Cop's Radio: Officer Bradley, proceed immediately to the blue station wagon at the 20 mile marker.

Joey: Oh my God, if he goes to help that woman deliver the baby, I'll never make it to the Tonight Show!

Gina: He doesm't have to know!

Joey: No, I gotta tell him.

Gina: She'll be fine! Women have been having babies on freeways for thousands of years.

Joey: That's a good point.

(The Cop returns)

Cop: Ready to roll?

Joey: I can't do this. Uh, look, officer, there's a 10-12 at the 20 mile marker. A blue station wagon.

Cop: Oh my God. A 10-12? I gotta go. But before I do, can you give me one of your trademark catch phrases?

Joey: Uh, hey Angela, I'm your nanny now... or whatever!

(The Cop drives off)

[Scene: The Freeway - Joey & Michael]

Michael: I don't want to alarm you, but Judo man is now kissing his muscles and wrapping his hands in tape.

(Joey's phone rings; He answers it)

Joey: Hello?

Bobbie: Joey! It's ten minutes before you're supposed to go on. Can you get here?

Joey: I'm trying, I'm trying!

Bobbie: I need to know now, because if you can't make it, they're gonna send out the guy from the zoo with his snake.

Joey: Aw, man. I'm not gonna be on the show and I'm missing a snake?

Bobbie: Look, I'm gonna have to tell them you can't make it. I'm sorry, honey.

Joey: Yeah, all right. I guess you should.

(Joey hangs up; Gina comes running back)

Gina: I couldn't find a bike, but how do you feel about a motorized wheelchair?

Joey: It's too late. Bobbie's giving away my spot. It's not gonna happen.

Gina: Oh, I'm sorry. Hey, you wanna come with me to the Mercedes? You can collect yourself on the softest leather you've ever felt.

Joey: I'd like that very much.

(Michael sees the man in the back of the red truck still staring at him)

Michael: All right! I can't take it anymore!

Gina: Michael, what are you doing?

Michael: These guys have been staring at me for like an hour. And you know what? The anticipation has gotta be worse than anything they can actually do to me, so-

Joey: Michael, hey, hey, hey. Have you ever been hit in the face? It's not great.

Michael: You know what? I don't care. I've just got to get this over with. So come on, Judo Man! Yeah, come on! Practice your dark arts on me!

(The two men get out of the truck)

Gina: Now that they're standing, they're not big at all.

Joey: No, no, they're just crouched in some kind of attack stance.

Michael: All right, let's just get this over with. Just do what you have to do.

Man: Oh, we will.

(The two men begin cracking their backs)

Michael: What are you doing?

Man: We never perform Judo without stretching properly.

Judo Man: This should only take about 30 minutes.

Michael: This will not end!

(El Camino Guys walks over to them)

El Camino Guy: Oh there you are. I thought you were bringing back the Whitesnake tape.

(Mercedes Guy walks up)

Mercedes Guy: Gina, come back to the car. I've personalized the lumbar setting on the passenger seat for you.

El Camino Guy: Wait, you were in his car too?

Mercedes Guy: You were in two cars?

El Camino Guy: That we know of.

Gina: Hey, I don't like what you're implying.

Man: (Still stretching) Ooh, yeah. Right there Judo Man.

Joey: Hey, what do you know? The little one is Judo Man.

Judo Man: Who you callin' little?

Joey: Hey, don't be mad at me. She is hte one who told him to give you the finger.

Judo Man: Oh did she?

El Camino Guy: Back off buddy, she's with me.

Mercedes Guy: Oh, I don't think she is.

Michael: Would soembody please just punch me in the face?!

Joey: Enough! None of these are problems. I'm the only one of us with a problem, okay? I'm supposed to be grooving out to Maroon 5 with Colin Farrel right now! Instead, a snake is doing it! Okay? So everybody just calm down. All right, you got it? Tatoo guy, huh? Mercedes Guy, huh? Judo Man. Guy who was sitting in the back of Judo Man's truck for no apparent reason!

Man: I was watching a DVD.

Gina: You got a DVD in there?

(Alex drives up on a pink motorcycle)

Alex: Oh! I can't believe I found you.

Joey: Alex?

Alex: You wanted a motorcycle; I got you a motorcycle.

Joey: You call this a motorcycle?

Alex: Do you know what I had to go through to get you this? I had to borrow it from the cleaning lady at our office who hates me, even though I have been nothing but nice to her. On the way here, I have been yelled at, sworn at, honked at, and I lost my shoe! But if this is not even a motorcycle for you, then I guess I'll just take it ba-

Joey: No, no. It's great! It's great, it's great. I love it, I love it.

Alex: Yeah, you're damn right you do!

(Alex gets off the motorcycle; Joey gets on)

Joey: All right, here, here. (Hands Gina his cell phone) Call Bobbie, and tell her I'm on my way.

Alex: Wait, the helmet! (Holds out a pink helmet)

Joey: No, no, I'm not wearing that.

Alex: (Yelling) Safety first!!

Joey: Okay, okay, okay! (Puts the helmet on) All right, wish me luck.

Everyone: Good luck, Joey!

(Joey drives off; horserace music is played. The camera follows Joey down several roads, then cuts to Bobbie looking impatient in the green room of the Tonight Show. The camera cuts back to Joey driving past the security guard on the Tonight Show lot, enters under a sign that reads "Artists' Entrance", and skids to take a left turn. Then the camera cuts to Bobbie who is holding back the zoo guy to keep him from going on stage. The camera cuts back to Joey who parks his pink motorcycle inside the building and rushes backstage to meet Bobbie, still wearing his helmet. He starts to go on stage, but Bobbie stops him and takes off his helmet.)

Jay Leno: Ladies and Gentleman, please welcome Joey Tribbiani.

(Joey enters and hugs Jay, refusing to let go)

Jay Leno: Uh, Joey. Can I- Stop it. That's enough. Joey. Joey!

[Scene: Joey and Michael's Apartment - Gina, Michael, Joey, & Alex are watching the tape of Joey on the Tonight Show]

Jay Leno: Ladies and Gentleman, please welcome Joey Tribbiani.

Alex: Joey, you look great.

(They watch as Joey continuously hugs Jay)

Gina: So how long do you hug him for?

Joey: Oh, it goes on for quite a while. In about a minute, Colin Farrel comes out to try to peel me off of him.

Alex: But you were on the Tonight Show.

Joey: Yeah, I was on the Tonight Show! Ooh, ooh. See right there where Jay kinda shakes his head at me?

Michael: Is that where you call him Johnny?

Joey: That is where.


Voir la fiche épisode, le script V.O. et le script V.F.

[Scene: Joey & Michael’s Apartment – Joey & Bobbie: Joey’s Photo-Shoot]

Bobbie: That’s it! Oh, perfect!

(Joey holds up a spatula and smiles)

Bobbie: These photos are going to look great in People magazine. Let’s see your good side.

(Joey turns)

Bobbie: Oh, God no! Go back! That’s it. Yeah. We got it.

Joey: Nice. Wow, People magazine. My mom is gonna be so excited. If you just get me into Playboy with an Asian on the cover, my dad can read about me too!

Bobbie: Now listen, Joey. The interview portion is later. Judy Wilson’s gonna meet you on the set. Now she’s single, which is good, but she’s smart, which could kill us. You need to come off as a great guy. I mean, really charm her!

Joey: (Trying to show his charm) Well, I can give it a shot, sweetheart.

Bobbie: (Laughs) Oh come on, get serious!

Joey: Bobbie, will you relax? Look, I will handle the interview. Okay? By the time I’m done with her, she’s gonna want to put me on the cover. There’s a new stud in town. (Picks up the latest edition of People magazine and looks at the cover) So move over Robert Blake’s Legal Nightmare.

[Opening Credits]

[Scene: The Courtyard – Joey & Judy]

Judy: You are such a fascinating interview. And all the charity work you do with children? You’re almost too good to be true.

Joey: Please. You’re starting to sound like the people I pulled from that burning car.

Judy: Our research shows us that in your role as a single father, you’re becoming very popular with women over thirty. How do you feel about that?

Joey: Great. You know, I feel like women really come into their own after the age of thirty; they know who they are, they know what they want, and well, I find that very sexy.

Judy: (Giggles) Ohh. I’ve got a couple more questions to ask you, and some of these may seem a little bit silly, but it’s what our readers are into, so.. what’s your favorite color?

Joey: (Notices that Judy’s shirt is purple) Purple.

Judy: Me too! When you get to heaven, what do you want God to say to you?

Joey: Come on in, Joey. This place is full of women over thirty.

Judy: And uh, do you have any siblings?

Joey: Yeah, I have seven sisters.

Judy: Wow, you must really understand women.

(Joey smiles modestly)

Judy: You know, I’m here to interview you, so this may seem totally inappropriate, but well, is there any chance you’d want to have drinks?

Joey: I would love that! Why don’t I take you out to dinner tomorrow night?

Judy: Tomorrow night? Are you sure?

Joey: Yeah. Why not?

Judy: Oh my God, okay!

[Scene: Joey & Michael’s Apartment – Joey, Michael & Gina]

Joey: Morning.

Michael: Hey. Oh, how’d your interview go yesterday?

Joey: Oh, great. I think she kinda liked me so I’m taking her out to dinner tonight.

Gina: Tonight? Are you serious?

Joey: Why? What’s the big deal?

(Alex Enters)

Alex: Good morning, everybody. Happy Valentine’s Day.

Joey: (Frightened) No, no, no!

(Gina Smiles)

Alex: What’s wrong?

Joey: I asked this girl out to dinner tonight and I didn’t know it was Valentine’s Day. Now she’s gonna think I want to get all serious with her and start a relationship!

Alex: Oh, and you don’t?

Joey: (Laughs) Oh, you’re cute. Yeah. Ugh, I can’t believe I have a date on Valentine’s Day! I’m gonna miss my annual ritual.

Michael: Why? What do you usually do?

Joey: Well, every year I go to a bar alone, find that table full of women pretending they don’t need men, send over a bottle of White Zen, wait five minutes, and pounce. It’s a little something I like to call Valentine’s Day Massacre.

Alex: Well, you can’t reschedule now. She’ll be devastated.

Gina: Yeah, it’d be like standing up someone for the prom. (Looks at Michael) Sorry, sweetie.

Michael: For the last time: She got lost on the way to her house, she found another guy and she went with him!

Joey: All right. Well maybe I’m over-reacting. Is there any chance she won’t take it that seriously?

Gina: Well, how old is she?

Joey: I don’t know. Thirty-three, thirty-four.

Alex: Well, which is it? Because at thirty-three, you’re still happy being a sexy single woman. At thirty-four, you’ve got a wedding dress in your trunk just in case.

Joey: I gotta find something to take the pressure off this date. Ooh! Hey, maybe you guys could come with me?

Gina: Oh, don’t you think that’d be a little obvious?

Joey: No, not if you just happen to be at the same restaurant, and then you can come join us.

Gina: That could work. I’m not doing anything.

Alex: Yeah, and Eric’s still on tour, so I’m available.

Gina: We know Michael’s free.

Michael: Mom, I explained this. Virginia’s cat had a stomach thing. She’ll call me in the next few weeks.

[Scene: A Restaurant – Joey & Judy]

Judy: I’m so excited about tonight.

(A waiter brings champagne to the table)

Judy: (Holds up her glass) To us.

Joey: (Holds up his glass) To the Knicks. So, did you uh, finish my article yet?

Judy: Oh, I don’t want to talk about work. You reach a certain age when you realize you have to focus on your personal life. I mean, let’s face it: I’m not 34 anymore.

(Gina, Michael & Alex Enter)

Joey: Oh my God, what is my sister doing here? With my nephew, and my neighbor? Of all the Valentine’s Day mix ups! And I hope they don’t see us.

(Judy turns away; Joey waves his arms to get Gina’s attention)

Gina: Joey, what are you doing here?

Joey: What are you doing here?

Gina: What I do every Valentine’s Day – Taking my son and my lawyer friend out to a crowded restaurant where I have not made a reservation.

Judy: Well I guess they could join us.

Joey: Sure. Well, it doesn’t have to get in the way of our romantic evening. (Pulls up another chair) Michael, why don’t you squeeze in right here between us?

(Gina, Michael & Alex sit down)

Joey: Gina, Michael, Alex – this is Judy.

Judy: I’m his valentine!

Joey: (Jokingly) Oh, stop. (Seriously) Stop.

Alex: (Reading the menu) Oh, God. Thirty-five dollars for Lobster Rosata in a heart shaped mold? This holiday is so stupid.

Joey: Alex, you’re kinda ruining the mood there.

(Joey gives her a thumbs-up behind his menu)

Alex: I mean, would you look at all these suckers out celebrating this Hallmark holiday? My husband and I don’t need this kind of thing. Though, a card would’ve been nice. Or a phone call. Or an e-mail, perhaps. But we spoke on Tuesday. He asked me to gather up his receipts. Tax time’s coming!

(Alex chugs all the wine in her glass)

Judy: Can you excuse me? I’m gonna use the restroom for a second.

(Judy leaves; Joey looks at a table full of single women)

Joey: Look at those girls over there, and I’m stuck on a date! God, I can’t just leave them there. (Looks at Michael) Michael, they deserve better, but I’m sending you in.

Michael: What? No. I can’t. I’m taken. Virginia said she’d call the second her cat took a turn for the better.

Joey: Michael, it’s cleavage, lipstick, and Appletinis. It’s a cry for help. Answer the call.

Michael: You know what, you’re right. Yeah, I’m not just gonna sit here waiting for her call. Ladies, get ready for a massacre.

Joey: Yeah. All right. Yeah.

(Michael leaves)

Joey: Is it me or is self-confidence a bummer on him?

[Cut to: Michael approaching the table of single women]

Michael: Happy Valentine’s Day, ladies.

Girl #1: Oh great, another one. You think just because we’re sitting here alone that we’re desperate for a man to hit on us?

Michael: You’re not are you? God, I knew I shouldn’t have done this. I would never have even come over here if he hadn’t told me to.

Girl #2: Well, he’s cute. Is he coming over here too?

Michael: No, I’m all you get, okay? I was supposed to have a date tonight, but she had to cancel because her cat had this stomach thing.

Girl #1: Aww, honey, I’ve used that excuse. She doesn’t have a cat.

Michael: So, I got blown off for Valentine’s Day?

Girl #2: Yeah, join the club.

Michael: Could I?

[Cut to: Joey’s table; Judy returns]

Judy: Could we talk over here for a second?

Joey: Sure. Come on, everyone. Let’s go talk to Judy.

Judy: Just you.

Joey: Oh, uh, excuse me.

(Joey & Judy walk away from the table)

Joey: Look, I’m sorry these guys just showed up. You know I would love to have you all to myself, but it’s out of my control.

Judy: Joey, I’m not an idiot. I know why they’re here.

Joey: You do?

Judy: Yeah. You wanted me to meet your family! I mean, I can’t believe how fast this is moving, but it feels so right!

(Judy hugs Joey; a violinist approaches them)

Violinist: Special music for the lovers.

(The violinist begins to play; Joey glares at him)

[Scene: The Restaurant – Joey, Judy, Gina & Alex]

Judy: What a difference a day makes, huh? I'm out on Valentine's Day with a great guy; I’m being welcomed into a family. I mean, if this was a first day for most guys, they’d be freaking out!

Alex: You guys are a beautiful couple. Now, this may be the alcohol talking, but-

Joey: It’s the alcohol. Don’t say it.

Alex: Don’t take this for granted. You have to put your love in a bottle and make a promise to drink from it every day, and if you do, at night it will replenish itself.

[Cut to: Michael & the Single Girls]

Michael: You hate your body? I hate my body.

Girl #1: Why? You’re so thin.

Michael: No, you should see me in a bathing suit. I have some real problem areas.

Girl #2: Well at least you can have dessert tonight.

Michael: You know what, I don’t care what that bastard Jim said. You look great.

Girl #1: Yeah. You know what? To hell with the guy. I’m getting the chocolate mousse.

Girl #2: Yeah!

Michael: You go girlfriend!

[Cut to: Joey, Gina, Alex & Judy’s Table]

Judy: I can’t believe you have a child that age. You look amazing. How old are you?

Gina: Thirty-six.

Judy: I’m older than you and you have an adult son?

Joey: (Whispering to Alex) Older?

Alex: Yes, hold her.

Judy: I admire you, but I’m not interested in having kids, as long as I have my career and someone special. That’s all I care about.

Gina: I remember when I used to think like that. Then you turn fifteen and everything changes.

(Judy’s phone rings)

Judy: Oh, I should take this. (Answers her phone) Hi, Cynthia. No, I’m not at home. You won’t believe what happened!

(Judy walks away from the table)

Joey: Cynthia’s gonna be a fat bridesmaid at my wedding, isn’t she?

Gina: Joey, she just gave you the perfect out. She said she doesn’t want kids. Just tell her how important they are to you.

Joey: That’s a great idea!

Alex: When my mother was my age, she had three kids. All I have is a husband who’s away all the time. Last week, a squirrel snuck into our apartment and I thought it was Eric coming home to surprise me. I put on lingerie for a squirrel!

Gina: I’ll take care of her. You take care of Judy. (Helping Alex stand up) Come on, sweetie.

Alex: Oh God, it feels so good to be touched.

[Scene: The Bar – Gina & Alex]

Alex: I’m sorry. It’s just that he’s away all the time, and I try to pretend like it doesn’t bother me, but deep down it does.

Gina: Of course it does.

Alex: I mean, he’s always traveling, you know? And even when he’s home, it’s not like he’s here. (Puts her hand on her chest) You know? (Puts her hand on Gina’s chest) Here. You have massive breasts.

Gina: (To the Bartender) Two coffees please.

Alex: You wanna know how long it’s been since we’ve had sex?

Gina: (To the Bartender) One coffee and one tequila, please.

Alex: And even when we have sex, it feels like there’s something missing, and.. can I tell you a secret?

Gina: I wish you wouldn’t.

Alex: When I make love to my husband, I think about Noah Wyle.

[Cut to: Joey & Judy’s Table]

Joey: Obviously, this is hard for me to say, but children are very important to me, and I was kind of shocked when I heard you say you didn’t want any.

Judy: I’m sorry. That’s just how I feel.

Joey: Ugh. How many women have I lost because of my desire to have children?

Judy: Wow, I’m surprised you feel that strongly about this.

Joey: So strongly. I’ve always had this fantasy about coming home at night and having all these kids running at me, screaming “Daddy’s home! Daddy’s home!” And then we’d roughhouse and build forts and then sit around the fire eating a big bowl of ice cream.

Judy: I can’t believe this is happening.

Joey: I know.

Judy: You’ve talked me into having children!

[Scene: The Courtyard – Joey & Gina: Joey’s on the phone with Bobbie]

Joey: And if it wasn’t bad enough that I asked her out on Valentine’s Day, I talked her into having children!

Bobbie: (Laughing) Oh, Joey. Laughter really is the best medicine, and that story just cleared up my hepatitis. Look, a bad article from this woman could really hurt your career. They go to press in two days, so until then, just give her anything she wants.

Joey: I don’t know.

Bobbie: Oh for God’s sake. It’s only forty-eight hours! I took a shower with Ed Azner that took longer than that.

Joey: Okay, all right. I can do this. Thanks, Bobbie. (Hangs up) Ugh, I have to keep this for two more days. Why do I have to be so charming to the opposite sex?!

Gina: Hey, at least you just have the opposite sex; everybody wants me!

(Michael Enters)

Michael: I’ll see you guys later. I gotta go meet Denise and the rest of the fab five for spinning class.

Joey: Classic move, Michael. Pretend to be friends, then slip in there and put the moves on them.

Michael: Ugh. Men.

(Michael Leaves; Joey goes inside the apartment; Alex enters the Courtyard, trying to sneak past Gina)

Gina: So, did you have fun last night Keith Richards?

Alex: I would really rather not make eye contact with you.

Gina: What are you, embarrassed? You got drunk. What’s the big deal?

Alex: It’s not the drinking. It’s all the stuff that I told you about my marriage and about my sexual secret.

Gina: Yeah, I gotta ask. Noah Wyle? I mean, really. I could see Clooney, or Eric Lasal, or even that new Indian chick.

(Alex turns to leave)

Gina: Come on, you little weirdo. We just started getting comfortable around each other. How about this? I’ll tell you one of my sexual secrets and we’ll be even.

Alex: You don’t get embarrassed. There’s nothing you could tell me that would make this even.

Gina: I almost got embarrassed last night when a girl felt my breast at a restaurant.

Alex: I forgot about that.

[Scene: Joey & Michael’s Apartment – Joey & Judy]

Judy: It was so nice of you to come with me to get my hair dyed.

Joey: Are you kidding? Three hours in a hair salon. Fun!

Judy: Well if I didn’t do it, I’d be completely gray.

Joey: So uh, you wanna watch some TV?

Judy: Sure.

(Judy sits down on the couch; Joey sits down on the other end)

Judy: Meow. Kitty needs some attention.

(Joey moves over; Judy puts her legs in his lap)

Joey: Oh.

Judy: Rub my tummy?

Joey: Nice kitty.

Judy: Oh hey, I’ve been meaning to ask you something. Feel free to say no, but my parents are throwing this big party for my little sister’s fortieth birthday, and my whole family’s gonna be there. If you could come, it would mean the world to me.

Joey: Maybe, yeah. By the way, how’s my article coming?

Judy: Oh, I haven’t had time to finish it yet. I’ve been a bad little kitty.

Joey: Uh, when does kitty expect to have it completed?

Judy: Oh well, I haven’t had time to work on it because of us, so I got an extension. I’ll hand it in next month.

Joey: Next month?

Judy: I really want you to come to this party, so I’m gonna call my parents and tell them you’re coming. I want to make sure you get the upper bunk in my brother’s room.

Joey: The party’s an overnight thing?

Judy: Well, of course, silly. We’re not gonna go to Canada for one day.

Joey: Canada? Wait, I can’t do that. My passport is gone! Yeah. This bird came in and –whoosh– and I was like ‘Huh?’

Judy: You don’t want to meet my family.

Joey: I do want to meet your family, but this damn bird-

Judy: You’re lying. You don’t think I can tell when you’re lying. Jojo Dancer, it’s me, Juju Bean.

Joey: I’ve never heard either of those nicknames before. Look um, as much as I want to meet your family, maybe we should slow things down.

Judy: What?

Joey: I’m sorry-

Judy: I can’t believe this is happening! I feel like I don’t know you. You’re not the nice guy that I thought you were.

Joey: Juju Bean!

Judy: I can’t stay here. I’m too upset, and when I’m upset, I work. I’m gonna go finish my article. I hate you, Joey Tribbiani!

Joey: No, no, no! Don’t go! Don’t go! Maybe there’s something I can do to make this okay.

Judy: What?

[Scene: Judy’s Parents’ House]

Judy: Oh Joey, my whole family loves you. Well, Nana and Pop-pop, obviously. And you were such a good sport about wrestling cousin Hank in the yard.

Joey: I do wish he’d had a shirt on.

[Scene: Alex’s Apartment – Gina & Alex]

Alex: Gina, would you just leave me alone for a little while?

Gina: No! I am here to even things out.

Alex: But you don’t have any embarrassing secrets.

(Gina takes off her robe revealing that she’s wearing a leotard)

Gina: Just watch.

(Gina begins tap dancing)

Alex: Oh my God!

Gina: Shut up and watch.

Alex: Gina Tribbiani tap dances. Since when?

Gina: Since Junior High. I followed this super hot guy into a dance studio. Shockingly he turned out to be gay. But I found a far greater love—tap. And now we’re even. You keep my secret, I keep yours.

Alex: Yes, we’re even. You know, in college I took a dance class first semester—jazz. I was actually quite good. I just did a little, you know..

(Alex does a short jazz dance)

Gina: You know for one second we were even. Now I’m gonna have to think of something else!

[Scene: Judy’s Parents’ House]

Judy: I can’t believe you’re up here visiting my family, and we’ve only been together a week. At this rate, imagine where we could be in a month.

Pop-Pop: When you get married, will it be here or is there a Lutheran church in California?

Judy: I’m sorry, it’s just very important to my family that I’m only serious with people within our faith.

Joey: Well I’m not Lutheran.

Judy: Oh, don’t worry. As long as you’re willing to raise our kids as Christians, that’s all I care about.

Joey: If I wasn’t, would that be a problem?

Judy: Well, I’d hate to say it, but it’d be a deal-breaker.

Joey: Judy, I’m Jewish!

Judy: What?

Joey: What a terrible misunderstanding. This is heartbreaking. But let us not say goodbye, okay? Let us just say shalom.

[Scene: Joey & Michael’s Apartment – Joey, Gina & Michael]

Joey: (Reading People Magazine) Oh, here it is! Wow. “Joey Tribbiani isn’t just a bright new face in Hollywood, he’s also as nice a guy off-camera, as he is on.” Hey. “And a deeply religious man, with a great commitment to his Jewish faith. Joey is searching for that special someone, so single Jewish girls, if you’re looking for an eligible bachelor, Joey Tribbiani is looking for you.

Michael: That may explain this.

(Michael presses the ‘Play’ button on the Answering Machine)

Answering Machine: You have 268 new messages.

Joey: Oi vay!


Voir la fiche épisode, le script V.O. et le script V.F.

[Scene: Joey & Michael’s Apartment – Gina, Alex & Joey – Joey gets a gift basket]

Joey: You’re probably wondering why I’m getting a gift basket.

Basket Delivery Guy: Not really.

Joey: I was nominated for a Daytime Soap Award. Again!

Basket Delivery Guy: That’s great.

Joey: You’re right. It is weird. You know, ‘cause now I’m on Primetime, but I’m nominated for my work on Days Of Our Lives. I’m up for best death scene.

Basket Delivery Guy: Can I go?

Joey: Aw, I wish I could take you, but seating is limited.

[Basket Delivery Guy Leaves]

Joey: Oh, it takes it out of you, but you gotta do it for the fans. Oh, Gina, I meant to tell you, I get to bring a guest to the awards show, and I thought it would be nice if I took my sister.

Gina: Really? You don’t wanna bring a date?

Joey: Nah. I could bring a nice girl, but I’d rather bring you.

Gina: I know exactly what to wear. I got this new outfit; that top is just suspenders.

Joey: No, no, no. Gina, this is a big night for me. I’m up for an award. You know, maybe you can dress up. People will be in fancy gowns.

Gina: Oh, I have a very special gown. It requires four C batteries.

Joey: I haven’t seen it, but maybe that’s not the one.

Alex: If you want, um, I could loan you a dress. No, I have one that my husband always says would look great on you. Is that weird?

Gina: Okay, I’ll do it. I can still be dirty on the inside.

Joey: That’s the spirit!

Alex: So, who’s the basket from?

Joey: Uh, Alex, Gina and Michael. Aww. That’s three names on a pretty small basket.

[Opening Credits]

[Scene: Joey & Michael’s Apartment – Joey & Michael]

Michael: Hey.

Joey: Hey. They just sent me a copy of the clip they’re going to play at the awards show. You wanna see it?

Michael: Sure.

Joey: All right. Uh, let me set the scene up for you. Uh.. (Pauses) It’s been a while since I’ve seen it. Let’s just watch.

(Joey turns on the tape – Dr. Ramoray and his nurse, Morgan, are operating)

Dr. Ramoray: Forceps. (Morgan hands him a Forceps) Retractor. (Morgan hands him a retractor) Scalpel. (Morgan stabs him in the side with a scalpel) Aah! Morgan, why?

Morgan: Because the man you’re operating on is my husband.

Dr. Ramoray: I need twenty cc’s of… betrayal. (Falls to the floor)

(Joey turns off the tape)

Michael: Well, that’s uh.. I’m not sure what to say.

Joey: Then I’ll say it. Wow! I’ll see ya later.

Michael: Where are you going?

Joey: I gotta get to the gym. I wanna get a workout in before the awards show. You know, a little run and maybe some push-ups.

Michael: How many push-ups are you gonna do?

Joey: I don’t know. Fifty?

Michael: Fifty. That’s impressive. Is that with or without your skirt on?

Joey: Are you trash talking me?

Michael: Me? No, no. Fifty is a lot of push-ups... for someone without a Y chromosome.

Joey: Seriously, it’s not clear what you’re doing. I just wanna be sure before I hit you.

Michael: No, I’m just saying I could do at least 100 push-ups, man.

Joey: I’m doing fifty in a row. Not over the coarse of my lifetime.

Michael: Okay. All right, big guy. I didn’t wanna make you feel bad, okay? But watch this.

(Michael begins to do push-ups with his knees on the ground, his back arched, and barely moving his arms at all)

Michael: One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven. Eight. Nine. Ten. Eleven. Twelve. Thirteen. Fourteen. Fifteen. Sixteen. Seventeen. Eighteen. Nineteen. Twenty. Twenty-one. Twenty-two. Twenty-three. Twenty-four. Twenty-five. Twenty-six—

Joey: What the hell are you doing?!

Michael: Oh, you jealous, buddy? It doesn’t stop there! Twenty-seven. Twenty-eight. Twenty-nine. Thirty. Thirty—

Joey: Let me guess, you’re mom showed you how to do a push-up?

Michael: That’s right, bitch!

Joey: That’s not how men do push-ups. Okay? When you do a real push-up, you’re knees are off the ground, and you hold yourself by your hands and your toes.

Michael: Okay, that’s physically impossible.

Joey: It’s not that hard, just try it.

Michael: Uh huh. I should be able to do a bunch of these.

(Michael tries to do a push-up but doesn’t even get an inch of the ground)

Michael: Ugh! That’s very funny, Joey. Get your foot off my back.

[Scene: Joey & Michael’s Apartment – Joey – Alex Enters]

Alex: Hey.

Joey: Hey.

Alex: Aw, you look so nice. I just wanted to tell you good luck tonight. Um, if you win, are you gonna thank me?

Joey: Uh, not by name, no, but I am gonna thank a certain special lady to cover all my bases. And if you wanna think that that applies to you, you go right ahead.

Alex: Is that your speech?

Joey: No, no. I’m presenting Best Supporting Actress. I just got the list of nominees and I’m having trouble with this one name. How do you say this?

Alex: I think it’s Mariska Cechritapovich.

Joey: I think we have a problem.

(Gina cracks open the front door)

Gina: Okay, I’m coming in, but I don’t want anybody to laugh at me.

(Gina Enters)

Joey: Oh my God, Gina!

Alex: You looks beautiful.

Gina: Shut up. I look ridiculous.

Joey: No, no, no. You look great.

Gina: I don’t know if I can do this.

Alex: She looks so uncomfortable.

Joey: Oh, I know that look. She’s wearing underwear.

(Gina nods; Michael enters and hangs a chin up bar between the back door)

Michael: Okay, all right, Joey. I’ll admit it, I did kind of embarrass myself before with the push-ups, but I do have great upper body strength. Watch me do a chin up. Oh my God, Mom. Look at you, no cleavage. Where are you gonna keep your car keys and your flask?

Gina: I have to carry a handbag.

Michael: Okay, so Joey, how many chin ups can you do?

Joey: I don’t know. Ten, twenty.

Michael: Is that the number of boobs you have ‘cause you’re a girl?

Alex: Is that supposed to be trash talk?

(Joey nods)

Alex: It makes me sad.

Michael: Because there’s something I’d like to show you. You see, I happen to be very good at doing chin-ups. So, prepare to be impressed. Mom, do my legs.

(Gina holds up Michael’s legs while he “pulls” himself up)

Michael: Oh, yeah. Oh, yes! I’m feeling strong today! What’s the matter, Joey? Too shocked to count out loud? What’s that?

Gina: Oh, good job, hon. It’s all you Michael!

[Scene: The Daytime Soap Awards – Joey & Gina]

Man: All right, Mr. Tribbiani, I’ll come get you when it’s time to present. Please, allow me ma’am.

Gina: Ma’am? Huh. Thank you, your honor.

(Man Leaves)

Joey: It’s weird to be back with this crowd. I know a lot of these people from Days Of Our Lives. Hey Paul, how’s the soap world treating you?

Paul: Soap world, huh? I guess you think you’re a big man now ‘cause you’ve moved on to Primetime. I guess you think you’re better than me.

Joey: Well, I haven’t really thought about it, but yeah I do a little bit. Good seeing you buddy.

(Paul Leaves)

Gina: Oh, hot girl, 2 o’clock.

Joey: Oh, no, no, no. That’s one of the women in the category I’m presenting. I cannot get her name right. How do you say this?

Gina: Nom-in... Nominees.

Joey: That’s not what I was asking and it took you way too long.

Mariska: Hey, you’re Joey Tribbiani, right? I’m Mariska.

Joey: Oh, nice to meet you. Yeah, this is my sister, Gina.

Mariska: Hey, nice dress.

Gina: Oh yeah? Nice face!

Joey: Uh Gina, she was complimenting you.

Gina: Oh, I’m sorry. Um, thank you, dear. If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go get a drink.

(Gina curtsies and leaves)

Joey: Say, that last name of yours is pretty tough. Uh, how do you pronounce it?

Mariska: Cechritapovich. It’s simple. It starts with a soft C. Then the CH is pronounced as a hard K, and then the accent is on PO, the fourth syllable.

Joey: Oh. Catocrouchipo.

[Scene: The Daytime Soap Awards-Backstage – Joey & Man]

Man: Okay, Joey, you’re on in ten seconds.

Joey: Uh, okay, wait. Real quick, how do you say this name?

Man: Oh, here’s a way to remember: Uh, the first name’s Mariska like Mariska Hargitay, and the second, Cechritapovich, like Magdalena Cechritapovich, the Chechnyan tennis player.

Joey: What?

Man: You’re on.

Announcer: Now, presenting the award for best supporting actress in a daytime drama, and nominee himself tonight, Joey Tribbiani.

(Joey walks across the stage and stops at the podium)

Joey: When I played Dr. Drake Ramoray, I had a lot of patients. These nominees tonight also have a lot of patience in waiting for their award. (Laughs) That’s solid. And now, the nominees: From Passions, Kimberly Evans. From One Life To Live, Cheri Teasdale. And from General Hospital, Mariska Cechritapovich. Yes! Marissa Cechritapovich!

(Mariska gets up from her table, thinking that she won the award, and not realizing that Joey only said her name again because he was happy he pronounced it correctly)

Mariska: I won! I won!

Joey: No, no, no, no. Well, maybe. (Opens the envelope) No. No, no!

(Mariska walks onto the stage)

Mariska: Oh my gosh, I don’t know who to thank. I mean, I didn’t even prepare a speech. It was such a long shot.

Joey: Can I talk to you for a second?

(Mariska pushes Joey away)

Mariska: Grandma, I know you’re up there watching. You said I could do it and you were right! Oh, thank you. This means so much to me, mostly because I was nominated with two brilliant actresses who deserve this so much more than I do.

Joey: Especially Kimberly Evans, of Passions.

Mariska: Thank you.

[Scene: The Daytime Soap Awards-Backstage – Joey, Mariska & Man]

Mariska: I’m so excited. I can’t believe I won. This is amazing, although you did slightly mispronounce my name.

Joey: It must’ve been close. You ran up there pretty damn quick.

Man: Congrats, Mariska. Joey, can I talk to you for a second?

(Mariska Leaves)

Man: What happened out there? You said the wrong name!

Joey: Um, no I didn’t.

Man: Yes you did. I know the names of all the winners.

Joey: Really? C’mon, is the J-Man bringing home the hardware?

Man: This is a serious problem.

Joey: Okay, look, I know. I’m sorry, but can’t we just announce that I made a mistake and give the real winner the award?

Man: Are you crazy? That would call into question the credibility of the show. Every award would be suspect. Sexiest Couple, Best Smile, Favorite Ghost, Least Favorite Ghost.

Joey: But I feel so bad for Kimberly Evans—

Man: Look! I know people, and if you say anything, I’ll have you banned from every award show… on TBS.

[Scene: The Daytime Soap Awards – Joey & Kimberly Evans]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, we’ll be returning from commercial in two minutes.

Joey: Hey, Kimberly Evans? Hi, I’m Joey Tribbiani. I’m sorry you didn’t win before. Are you okay?

Kimberly: I’ve been better.

Joey: Oh, well it’s probably not about the award; maybe you have a disease?

Kimberly: I never should have gotten my hopes up, but it makes sense that Mariska won. After all, I only studied at Julliard, and she was the loose one on Real World: Seattle.

Joey: Well hey, look at it this way: There’s always next year.

Kimberly: I don’t think so. My character died. Of natural causes. That felt good.

Joey: Well, I’ll bet you probably had lots of other opportunities.

Kimberly: Sure! I’m a fifty-one-year-old actress in Hollywood. The doors are flying right open for me! My agent submitted me for a lifeguard on an Ashton Kutcher movie, and I’ve got a really good feeling.

Joey: Kimberly, I am so sorry you didn’t win.

Kimberly: Oh, please. I guess I’m just not good enough.

Joey: No, no. You are good. You don’t need some trophy to tell you that.

Kimberly: It’s not about the trophy. It’s what it represents.

Joey: What do you mean?

Kimberly: It would’ve been an opportunity for me to stand in front of my peers and finally be recognized for twenty-five years of hard work and sacrifice. That’s why I’m upset.

Joey: Would it, uh—would it help if we made out?

Kimberly: (Pauses) No.

Joey: Fair enough.

[Scene: The Daytime Soap Awards – Gina & Woman]

Gina: Wow, that is a beautiful gown.

Woman: You like my dress?

Gina: What’s not to like? Rhinestones, spandex, that chain that starts there, ends there, awesome!

Woman: Can I just say something? I don’t get chicks like you. I mean, you got this great body. Why do you want to hide it?

Gina: I dressed like this because my brother wanted me to.

Woman: Oh, who’s he?

Gina: Joey Tribbiani.

Woman: The actor?

Gina: Uh huh.

Woman: Oh, I would so do him.

Gina: Aw, thank you! Where are my manners? I’m sure I would do your brother too.

[Scene: Joey & Michael’s Apartment – Michael & Alex]

Alex: Just so you know, if Joey wins his award tonight, he’s going to thank a certain special lady, that’s me!

(Michael gasps as he tries to do a chin-up)

Michael: I just did one.

Alex: No you didn’t.

Michael: Ugh. I can’t do it. I’m not a man.

Alex: Don’t feel bad. These things are impossible. I don’t know how anyone ever—

(Alex does a chin-up)

Alex: Oh, wow, look at that. Hey, I’m pretty good at this. (Michael glares at her) I mean, oh, it’s so hard.

Michael: This is so humiliating. Why can’t I just do it?

Alex: The only reason I can do it is because I weigh less. You’re a man. You’re big and strong. (Puts her hand on Michael’s shoulder) Are those your bones? You feel elderly.

[Scene: The Daytime Soap Awards – Gina & Joey]

Gina: There you are. The producer was looking for you. They’re gonna announce your award in fifteen minutes.

Joey: I can’t think about that right now. I feel too guilty.

Gina: Wa, wa, wa, wa, wa.

Joey: Well you can change the outfit, but you’re still the same old pain in the ass. I just wish there was something I could do to fix this.

Gina: Well, maybe you could convince Mariska to give up her award.

Joey: How am I going to do that?

Gina: Come on, you’re good with women. Use your charm.

Joey: Huh, yeah, you’re right. Maybe I’ll win her over with some witty conversation.

Gina: What?

Joey: Nah, I’m just kidding. I’m gonna hit her with my sex ray!

(Joey walks over to Mariska; Mariska is talking to Paul)

Mariska: There’s my good luck charm.

Joey: Hey, Mariska. Can I talk to you for a second?

Paul: Whoa, chief. We’re in the middle of a conversation. Do you think I should just walk away because you’re on a big time show?

Joey: That’d be great. Thanks, buddy.

(Paul leaves; Joey & Mariska sit at a table)

Joey: Look, I don’t know about you, but when we were up on that stage together, I felt a real connection. Now, we could play a lot of games, but I’m not about that, so let me just put this out there. We owe it to ourselves as two beautiful people to seize this moment. So let me ask you, do you want to do something wild? Something crazy? Something you’ll never forget?

Mariska: Yes! Yes, I do.

Joey: Give your award to Kimberly Evans.

Mariska: What?

Joey: That would be so hot.

Mariska: What are you talking about?

Joey: Okay, look, I said the wrong name up there before. You didn’t really win.

Mariska: Oh my God! I didn’t win?

(Joey picks up Mariska’s award)

Mariska: Not so fast. Everyone thinks I won this award and that’s not going to change.

Joey: What do you mean?

Mariska: If you tell anyone what happened, I’m going to tell them you said my name on purpose because you want to sleep with me.

Joey: That’s blackmail!

Mariska: That’s right. You don’t work on a soap opera without picking up a few things.

Joey: Well I’ve picked up a few things too. If you don’t give that back, I’m not going to operate on your husband.

Mariska: What?

Joey: I got nothing!

[Scene: The Daytime Soap Awards – Gina & Woman]

Gina: I am gonna get a drink. Do you like tequila?

Woman: Do I?

(Woman pulls a bottle of tequila out of her dress)

Gina: You are like a sister.

Woman: When I first saw you, I had no idea you were gonna be this much fun.

Gina: It’s funny the way people judge. I mean, tonight I dress like this for once and people think I’m all fancy, but if I dressed the way I normally do, people would think we were prostitutes. The lesson is don’t judge people by the way they dress.

Woman: Actually, I am a prostitute.

Gina: Oh. Then the lesson is maybe I should dress different.

(Gina walks over to Joey)

Gina: Hey, how are you doing, honey?

Joey: I’m okay. It’s been kind of a rough night, you know? I said the wrong name up there. My sex ray is on the fritz.

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, please take your seats. We will be back from commercial in thirty seconds.

(Kimberly Evans walks over Gina & Joey)

Kimberly: I just wanted to thank you for being so nice to me earlier, but I have to get home now so I can catch my sixteen-year-old smoking weed in the basement.

Joey: Hey, hey. Please, sit.

(Kimberly sits down)

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, from General Hospital, Jack Wilson.

Jack: Nominees for Best Death Scene are: From One Life To Live, Gerard St. Claire. From Passion, Mitch O’Leary. And from Days Of Our Lives, Joey Tribbiani.

Kimberly: Good luck, I hope you win.

Joey: No, I told you before, it doesn’t matter what they think.

Jack: And the winner is… Joey Tribbiani.

(Joey shrieks and runs up on stage)

Joey: Oh my God, I can’t believe I won this, and against some big competition. Gerard, eaten by wolves. Bravo. Huh? And Mitch, you were smothered by a pillow but great leg-acting. And also, there is a certain special someone out there I would like to thank. You know who you are.

[Cut to: The Audience – Gina points to herself]

[Cut to: Joey & Michael’s Apartment – Alex and Michael point to themselves]

[Cut back to: The Day Time Soap Awards: Joey on-stage]

Joey: It’s just so amazing being up her, finally getting recognized for my work. It really, really does feel good. (Look into the audience and sees Kimberly Evans) Uh, there’s someone here who really deserved an award tonight and didn’t get one. So, I’d like to give this trophy to Kimberly Evans. Kimberly, come on up here.

Kimberly: (Shocked) What?

Joey: Let’s clap her up here everybody.

(The audience applauses; Kimberly walks up on stage)

Joey: Come on. Wow, that’s more applause than I got. Uh, this is in recognition of a career full of wonderful performances. You are truly loved. This belongs to you.

Kimberly: I don’t know what to say. To be standing up here in front of all you beautiful people, so many friends, so many memories. It’s so wonderful, and what a generous gesture from Joey Tribbiani.

Joey: No, no, no, no. This isn’t about me; this is about you. Come on, everybody. You know her, you love her, let’s give it up one more time for Mariska Cechritapovich. Huh?

[Scene: Joey & Michael’s Apartment – Joey & Michael]

Joey: Hey.

Michael: Hey, Josephine.

Joey: What?

Michael: Ok, so I may not have been able to do a push-up or a chin-up, but I just beat Alex at arm wrestling.

Joey: Unimpressive, and yet, I doubt it.

Michael: Okay, I’ll prove it to you. Let’s go.

(Michael and Joey put their arms in position)

Michael: All right, you ready?

(Joey nods)

Michael: One, two, three. Go!

(Michael grabs on with his other hand and pulls Joey’s arm down)

Michael: Oh yeah. Nice playing with you man. Unh.


Voir la fiche épisode, le script V.O. et le script V.F.

[Scene: Joey & Michael’s Apartment – Joey & Glen]

Glen: All right, so, here’s your schedule for today. And listen, you got a letter from a fan with a naked picture in it.

Joey: I’m going to need to see that.

Glen: I pre-screened this one. It’s pretty rough.

Joey: Glen, if a fan of mine went to the trouble to (Grabs the picture from Glen and opens it) Whoa! Wow, he’s hairy.

(Gina & Michael Enter)

Michael: Hey.

Joey: Hey.

Gina: Hey, sexy.

Joey & Glen: (In unison) Hey.

(Joey & Glen look at each other, each thinking the ‘hey sexy’ comment was for them)

Glen: As her boyfriend, um, I’m actually going to take that one.

Joey: Really? Sexy? (Sarcastically) Okay. Uh, where were we? Ah, my call sheet.

Glen: Right, so, oh, your sister Mary Teresa called. She’s all set for her visit this weekend.

Gina: Ugh. That is this weekend. I can’t stand her.

Michael: Wait, I can never keep the Tribbiani women straight. Mary Teresa’s the one with the mustache, right?

Joey: No, no. That’s Cookie, or Tina, cousin Marie, Grandma…

Gina: No, Mary Teresa is the fancy one. She thinks she is so much classier than me.

Joey: Gina, she’s family. She’ll stay here with me. It’ll be fine, okay? I know how to control the Tribbiani women. There’s a trick with each one of them. Veronica, food. Dina, shoes. Cookie? Four, maybe five, police officers.

Gina: Oh yeah? What trick do you use on me?

Joey: You think I could trick someone that looks that good and has an adult son.

Glen: A son who’s a genius.

Gina: Aww, you guys.

(Gina starts to walk away)

Michael: Wait a second, Mom. They just told you-

Joey: Michael. (Opens the naked picture of his fan)

Michael: Oh, my God!

[Opening Credits]

[Scene: The Airport – Joey, Gina & Michael]

Joey: Hey, I just checked the board. Mary Teresa’s plane is here.

Gina: Why are you so excited? I don’t get why everyone treats her like she’s so special.

Joey: She’s the baby in the family.

Gina: No, Dina’s the baby.

Joey: They’re only nine months apart.

Michael: Wait, weren’t all you guys nine months apart?

Joey: Yeah, mom was in The Medical Journal.

Michael: You know, I don’t even think I’d recognize Mary Teresa if I saw her.

Gina: Oh, she’ll be the one talking about her swimming pool. I bet she mentions that pool three times before we get to the car.

Joey: I’ll take that bet. How much?

Gina: $21.99.

Joey: The exact cost of a case of Rolling Rock?

Gina: That’s right.

Joey: Aha.

Michael: I can’t believe this is taking so long. I gotta get home. There’s a girl meeting me at the apartment.

Joey: Heeey.

Michael: No, no. She’s delivering something for my aquarium.

Joey: I’ll bet she is.

Michael: No, no. She works at the fish store on Pico.

Joey: Yeah she does.

Michael: Okay, seriously. Stop.

Joey: Okay. Oh, there she is; there she is.

(Mary Teresa enters, talking to a flight attendant)

Mary Teresa: And the moral of that story is: I love my pool.

(Gina holds up one finger)

Joey: Hey, Mary Teresa!

Mary Teresa: Joey, my celebrity brother! And Michael, what a good-looking man you’ve grown up to be. And Gina… are you okay?

Gina: I’m tall and I can eat whatever I want, so yeah, I’m doing okay.

Joey: So uh, how was your flight?

Mary Teresa: Oh, the stewardess said the funniest thing to me. She said, “Where did you get that giant ring?” (Holds up her hand to see her engagement ring)

Gina: Oh, you got engaged?

Mary Teresa: Walter proposed last week. It was so romantic; we were out by the pool.

(Gina holds up two fingers)

Mary Teresa: He got down on one knee. You see Gina, ordinarily when a man proposes, Dad isn’t holding the back of his neck saying, “Do it.”

Joey: (Laughs) Dad’s face was pretty red.

(Mary Teresa’s phone rings)

Mary Teresa: Excuse me. (Answers her cell phone) Hi, honey. Yeah, just landed. No, no. The switch for the patio lights is inside the pool house.

Gina: That’s three. Pay up.

Joey: No, I don’t think that one counts.

Gina: Judges?

Michael: That’s a pool mention.

Joey: Wha-what? I appeal.

Michael: Denied.

Joey: Agh!

[Scene: Joey & Michael’s Apartment – Joey & Mary Teresa]

Mary Teresa: Wow, I love your place. How many square feet is it?

Joey: Oh, I don’t know. 1,600?

Mary Teresa: That’s funny, I just bought a new Mercedes.

Joey: Anyway, you’re gonna stay here. The couch pulls out, so-

Mary Teresa: Oh, Joy. I can’t sleep on a pull-out couch. Isn’t my big brother gonna let me take his room?

Joey: Come on, you’re not seven anymore. That’s not gonna work.

Mary Teresa: Pretty please?

Joey: I love it, get up there!

(Mary Teresa goes up stairs; A girl knocks on the door; Joey answers it)

Joelle: Hello.

Joey: Hey… you. Uh, you tracked me down. Look, I was going to call you… but I lost your number.

(Michael & Alex enter through the back door)

Michael: Oh, Joelle. You’re here. Great.

Joelle: Hey, Michael. I brought the black light for your aquarium.

Michael: Thank you.

Joey: Ohh, you’re the fish store girl. I thought you were someone I slept with and never called back. Okay.

(Joey walks over to Alex)

Alex: So some girl shows up and you just assume you’ve hooked up with her.

Joey: Well, it happens a lot. It’s kind of hard to keep track.

Alex: Okay.

Joey: We haven’t…?

Alex: No!

Joey: You are missing out.

[Cut to: Michael & Joelle]

Michael: So, thanks for bringing this over. You know I could’ve just come by the store and picked it up?

Joelle: Oh, it was nothing. Besides, I wanted to see where you live.

[Cut to: Joey & Alex]

Joey: Why is the hot girl flirting with Michael?

Alex: That’s not very nice, and I have no idea.

[Cut to: Michael & Joelle]

Joelle: So um… where is the aquarium?

Michael: Oh, it’s in my bedroom.

Joelle: Oh, can I see it?

[Cut to: Joey & Alex]

Joey & Alex: (In unison) Oooh.

[Cut to: Michael & Joelle]

Michael: Um, I’d rather not. It’s sort fo my private space.

[Cut to: Joey & Alex]

Joey & Alex: (In unison) Oh.

[Cut to: Michael & Joelle]

Michael: Well, thanks for coming by. Oh well, um, if you give m your number, I’ll call you when the Tiger Fish comes in.

Michael: Oh, that’s all right. I don’t want to end up on a mailing list or anything. I’ll just call you at the store.

(Joelle Leaves)

Joey: Uh, what the hell was that?

Michael: What?

Alex: It looks like you have an admirer.

Michael: Yeah right. Now, if you’ll excuse me, me and my black light are going to go blow some fish’s minds.

(Michael goes into his bedroom)

Joey: That explains why Michael didn’t get all nervous around that girl. He has no idea she’s into him.

Alex: Well you should tell him, and then you should give him some pointers.

Joey: No, no, no, I’ve tried. Every time I get involved, I put too much pressure on him, and he blows it. I need to just leave him alone.

Alex: But he’s your nephew.

Joey: Look, Alex, the best thing I can do is just live my life in a sexual manner, and hope he learns by example.

(Mary Teresa Enters)

Mary Teresa: (Seeing Alex) Oh, good. The maid’s here. Hola! We are out of towels.

[Scene: The Courtyard – Gina, Joey, & Mary Teresa]

Mary Teresa: I thought I’d jump in the hot tub. Anyone care to join me? Gina, can you even go in since you got those things? (Indicates Gina’s chest)

Gina: Of course I can! In two more months.

(Gina Leaves)

Mary Teresa: Look at us. When we were kids, who would’ve thought you’d end up on a big prime time show and I’d end up engaged to the second most successful waterbed salesman in Bergen county?

Joey: The second most successful?

Mary Teresa: Oh, there’s no shame in that. Mr. Waterbed is an institution.

Joey: All right, well uh, I’m gonna go inside.

Mary Teresa: Oh.

Joey: Yeah?

Mary Teresa: Would you put my ring in your safe?

Joey: Uh, I don’t have a safe, but uh, I’ll keep it right here in my pocket; it’ll be fine. (Puts the ring in his pocket and it clatters to the ground) Huh. (Laughs) y body repels engagement rings.

[Scene: Joey & Michael’s Apartment – Joey, Gina & Michael]

Michael: Joey, hit the switch. I want to show you guys my black light.

Joey: Okay, sure.

(Joey turns out the light; Michael turns on the black light)

Joey: Wow, this reminds me of Studio 54 in the ‘70s.

Michael: Yeah? Wait, you were like ten years old.

Joey: So? Wow, this is weird. How come the stones in your bracelet are all lit up but Mary Teresa’s ring isn’t?

Michael: Under short wave UV light, only real gemstones glow.

Gina: Wait a second? Does that mean her diamond is fake. (Looks up) Oh God, please let me have this. I never asked your or anything!

Joey: (In a deep voice, imitating God) You always ask me for stuff.

Gina: Don’t do that! You sound just like Him.

Michael: Yeah, you know, this isn’t glowing at all. This thing’s fake.

Gina: Is it? (Gasps) Oh, happy day! I can’t wait to tell her.

Joey: Oh, no, you can not tell her!

Gina: Why are you always trying to protect her? This is my chance to prove to her she is not fancy.

Joey: You’re just going to hurt her. What do you stand to gain?

Gina: I get to hurt her.

(Mary Teresa enters and sees everyone looking at herring)

Mary Teresa: It’s really something isn’t it?

Gina: Uh huh, it is.

Mary Teresa: Walter won’t tell me how much it costs, but he said I was worth every penny.

Gina: Oh, he is right. You truly deserve this.

(Gina hands the ring to Mary Teresa; Mary Teresa puts it on her finger)

Mary Teresa: I think I’ll have some wine for dinner. Oh, I’d offer some to you Gina, but I’m guessing you’re already drunk.

Gina: Hey, I may drink but at least I’m not dating someone who is constantly being mistaken for one of the three stooges.

Mary Teresa: Yeah, the best looking one: Moe. I know why you’re being so petty. You’re just jealous because I have Walter who buys me lovely things like this. (Holds her engagement ring in Gina’s face)

Gina: Buys? Or digs out of a cereal box?

Joey: Okay! Why don’t you two stop criticizing each other and criticize other members of the family, huh? Like, what about Tina, huh? What do we hate about her?

Gina: Well, she is pretty dumb.

Mary Teresa: Yeah, remember when we told her that jellybeans were diet pills?

Gina: Oh, she got so fat.

Mary Teresa: And then when we told her that jellybeans were birth control pills?

Gina: Oh, she got so pregnant. Ha, she might be the dumbest Tribbiani.

Joey: Oh, yeah, see? This is what I wanted. You guys get along. Look at us. Hanging out, having fun. No one’s talking about Gina’s drinking, or Mary Teresa’s fake ring. This is great.

Mary Teresa: My fake what?

Joey: I’m dumber than Tina!

[Scene: Joey & Michael’s Apartment – Mary Teresa is on the phone with Walter]

Mary Teresa: I can’t believe my ring isn’t real! What am I going to find out next: that you’re not the second largest waterbed salesman in Bergen county? Fourth?!

Gina: Oh, I have to go to the bathroom so bad, but I don’t want to leave.

Mary Teresa: Well you don’t have to worry about how much the wedding’s going to cost, ‘cause there isn’t gonna be a wedding, and I’m keeping the Mercedes! Leased?!

Joey: I feel so bad. Why’d I have to tell her about the ring?

Gina: Well it serves her right. Maybe she’ll learn not to fall for guys just for their money. Her whole life she has gone from Walter to Walter.

Joey: Wasn’t there a David in there?

Gina: Ah geez, you are worse than Tina. I was speaking metamorphically.

Mary Teresa: Well screw you Walter! Oh, and I have news for you. Since I’ve been here, I’ve been sleeping on a conventional mattress and I love it! (Hangs up and throws the phone) Well you were right. The ring’s a fake.

Joey: Aw.

Mary Teresa It’s not even cubic zirconia. It’s part of a pirate’s costume.

Joey: Hey, hey. You’re gonna be okay. You are family, and we are gonna help you get through this. Right, Gina?

Gina: (On the phone) Mary Angela, you are not gonna believe what just happened.

Joey: Gina!

Gina: (Phone) I’ll call you back.

Mary Teresa: I have nothing to go back to. What am I gonna do?

Joey: Hey, this could be good. You know? You’re whole life you’ve always had someone like Walter to take care of you. Maybe this could be a chance for you to stand on your own.

Mary Teresa: You’re right. I don’t need a rich husband.

Joey: There you go!

Mary Teresa: I have a rich brother! (Hugs Joey)

Gina: There you go!

Mary Teresa: I’m gonna stay here, and you’re gonna take care of me now.

(Mary Teresa goes upstairs)

Joey: Did I just become-?

Gina: You sure did, Walter.

[Scene: Joey & Michael’s Apartment – Joey & Michael – Alex enters, carrying laundry]

Alex: Hey.

Joey: Hey.

Alex: Where’s Mary Teresa? I have her laundry.

Joey: You did her laundry?

Alex: Well, she thinks I’m the housekeeper. I don’t like conflict. Just please don’t tell her that I speak English.

Mary Teresa: (Yelling from upstairs) Is that you, Alex?

Alex: Un momento, por favor, Miss Mary Teresa!

(There’s a knock on the door; Michael answers it)

Michael: Oh, Joelle. Come on in. What’s up?

Joelle: Oh, well, the fish food came in. And I thought that you might want to take this bottle of wine and watch the meteor shower. Maybe we could drive up to Mulholland and check it out.

Michael: That’s a great idea.

[Cut to: Joey & Alex]

Alex: Oh, so far so good.

(Joey starts to write something on a card)

[Cut to: Michael & Joelle]

Michael: Ooh, you know who else loves a good meteor shower? My friend Seth.

[Cut to: Joey & Alex]

(Joey hands Alex the card he was writing on)

Alex: (Reading the card) “Will invite Seth.” Wow.

[Cut to: Michael & Joelle]

Joelle: You know, actually, that’s not really what I want to do.

Michael: (Confused) Okay. You brought it up.

Joelle: Um, so uh, maybe I’ll just see you at the store.

Michael: Okay. Bye.

(Joelle Leaves)

Michael: That’s weird. Everyone knows, the more eyes the better at a meteor shower. I mean, get a clue, Joelle! I’m gonna go check out the sky right now.

(Michael Leaves)

Alex: I can’t stand this anymore. That girl is losing interest. We have to do something.

(Joey hands Alex another card)

Alex: He will not die a virgin.

[Scene: The Courtyard – Alex & Michael]

Alex: Hey.

Michael: The stars are amazing aren’t they?

Alex: Yeah, they are. Um, but sometimes, when a woman looks at the sky with a man, she doesn’t want to talk about the stars, if you know what I mean.

Michael: Yeah, I guess so.

Alex: I’m just saying that sometimes you’re not great at picking up signals when a girl is into you.

Michael: Oh, my God.

Alex; Yeah Michael, open your eyes. Tonight you have this opportunity to-

(Michael grabs Alex and kisses her)

Alex: Michael, what are you do-?

Michael: Shh, shh, shh. Alex, that is the only kiss we can ever share, all right? I’m flattered, but you’re married!

Alex: I’m not talking about me!

Michael: You’re not?

Alex: No! I’m talking about Joelle. The fish girl likes you!

Michael: Yeah, right. Like I could ever get a girl like that. She’s way out of my league.

Alex: Well, you just kissed me. You think I’d be into you?

Michael: Well yeah, you and I are kind of on the same-

Alex: No, we are not!

[Scene: Joey & Michael’s Apartment – Joey & Gina – Mary Teresa & Glen Enter]

Joey: Oh, you went shopping again?

Mary Teresa: Yeah, here’s your credit card. Thanks for letting me use it.

Joey: Oh, thanks for taking it out of my wallet while I was sleeping.

Mary Teresa: I’m gonna go upstairs and finish redecorating.

Joey: What?

(Mary Teresa goes upstairs)

Gina: (To Glen) How was your day?

Glen: Great, awesome. I quit.

Joey: What?

Glen: I’ve worked for some difficult people. Betty White put a cigarette out on my arm. But your sister is by far the worst.

Joey: Wow, I had no idea you were so fed up.

Glen: You know, part of my job is pretending to be okay with people’s crazy requests?

Joey: So were you mad when I made you play Hide and Go Seek at the mall?

Glen: Only when I was hiding and you forgot and went to a movie.

(Alex Enters)

Alex: I just wanted to let you know that I won’t be hanging around anymore. Mary Teresa fired me as your maid.

Gina: What?

Alex: Yeah, she found silverware in my purse and accused me of stealing it. It was mine; I was taking it back. I don’t even know how it got here.

Joey: Oh, we borrowed it for British Night. Glen dressed up as a butler, and we made him speak in an accent. (Gasps, to Glen) You hate that too?!

(Mary Teresa comes downstairs)

Mary Teresa: You guys are so loud. I was trying to be creative. (Sees Alex) Hey! You don’t work here anymore. No trabajo! Joey, check her pockets.

Gina: God, she is awful! You have got to tell her to get out of here.

Joey: Maybe you’re right. I mean, Glen, I don’t want to lose you. And Alex, you deserve a second chance. All right. I just got to think of a nice way to get rid of her.

Gina: Leave her in the desert!

Glen: Push her off a bridge!

Alex: Dale con un coche. Uh, sorry, hit her with a car.

[Scene: A Jewelry Store – Joey & Gina]

Gina: Wait, so let me get this straight. You’re gonna buy a real engagement ring, give it to her, and tell her it’s from Walter?

Joey: Yeah, that way she forgives Walter, goes home, and I can go back to just dealing with one crazy sister.

Gina: Ugh, I just can’t believe you’re doing this.

Joey: Why does it bother you do much? Don’t you want her to go back too?

Gina: It’s not that. It’s just the way you treat her. I don’t care if the rest of the family dotes on her. But you? You should know better.

Joey: Are you jealous?

Gina: No. I don’t need any of that stuff. I can take care of myself. But you know, every once in a while it might be nice to be spoiled.

Joey: Gina, we both know that if I did nice stuff for you, you’d hit me.

Salesman: May I help you?

Joey: Yeah, I’d like to buy an engagement ring. Something cheap.

Gina: But big.

Joey: But cheap.

Gina: But a real diamond.

Joey: Yeah, yeah, but I don’t care if it’s cloudy, or chipped, or stolen from a grave, you know?

Salesman: May I say, you two are going to be very happy together.

Joey: Oh, no. This is my sister.

Salesman: Oh, so the ring’s for someone else?

Joey: Yeah, my other sister.

(The Salesman looks at Joey strangely)

Joey: Oh, your family’s perfect?

[Scene: Joey & Michael’s Apartment – Gina & Joey]

Joey: Mary Teresa! Could you come down for a second?

Gina: I still think this is a stupid way to get rid of her.

Joey: I am not leaving her in the desert!

Gina: Well, we don’t have to do mine! Glen and Alex had ideas, too!

(Mary Teresa comes downstairs)

Joey: I have something for you.

Mary Teresa: A mink? A car? A pony?

Joey: (Laughs) Don’t guess; no, no. No, it’s from Walter.

Mary Teresa: Walter?

Joey: That’s right. He wanted you to have this. (Shows her the ring) Oh Walter, it’s so beautiful!

Mary Teresa: Wow, it really is. But, he lied to me. He has to win me back. I mean, where’s the speech? The big gesture?

Gina: Well, when Joey was on the phone with Walter, there was a speech that went a long with the ring. I can’t believe you did it without the speech. Do the speech.

(Joey glares at Gina)

Joey: Oh, yeah. Ri-right. Walter told me to say some stuff. He said that, uh, he wanted you to know that he loves and cherishes you. That you are the most special woman in the whole world, and he can not wait to spend the rest of his life with you. Aw.

Mary Teresa: Eh. Maybe I’ll just keep the ring and stay here.

Joey: What? Uh… wait, no! (Whispering to Gina) Help me.

Gina: (Sighs) Mary Teresa… I am very relieved you are not going back to him. I have always been so jealous of you. If you married Walter, it would just drive me crazy.

Mary Teresa: Really?

Gina: Yeah. I mean, if you’re not going to go after him, then I might just have to go after him myself. I might just have to marry Walter, and finally be fancier than you. I will swim in your pool.

Mary Teresa: (Gasps) Never! You can’t have him. I’m marrying Walter.

Gina: Oh, I have said too much. Now I’ve lost him.

Mary Teresa: I’m gonna go call Walter and tell him I’m coming home.

Joey: Do you have to go? I mean, if you do, there’s a 7:00 flight.

Mary Teresa: I better go pack. I wish I hadn’t fired Alex. I mean, she was a thief, but man could she fold.

(Mary Teresa goes upstairs)

Joey: Thank you.

Gina: Aw, you gonna be okay now that you’re favorite sister’s gone?

Joey: Gina, she’s not my favorite sister.

Gina: No?

Joey: I picked you up a little something at the store.

(Joey pulls out a small box)

Joey: It may be the world’s smallest diamond.

Gina: Aw, you shouldn’t have done that.

(Gina punches Joey’s shoulder)

Joey: I love you too.

Gina: Would you be offended if I tested it under the black light?

Joey: No, no. I’m curious myself. It was pretty cheap.

[Scene: Joey & Michael’s Apartment – Joey, Gina & Michael]

Michael: You know what? If Joelle’s into me, I’m going to call her.

Joey: You’re going to call another woman? Alex is right here.

Alex: You said you were going to stop making fun of me.

Joey: Yeah, I lied.

Michael: Ok, I got her machine. That’s good. (Into the phone) Hi, Joelle. This is uh, this is Michael. So look, my neighbor was just telling me that I was missing a few signals earlier and that you wanted to go out with me. So uh, I think we should do it. Uh, I mean, go out, not have sex. I mean, it would be nice because I’m a virgin. I mean, I’m not a virgin. I’ve just- I’ve never been with a woman. Not that I’ve been with a man. I just-

(Alex grabs the phone from Michael and hangs up)

Joey: He’s actually getting better.


Voir la fiche épisode, le script V.O. et le script V.F.

[Scene: Joey & Michael’s Apartment – Joey & Michael]

Michael: Joey, get out here! Beautiful women have been coming out of that apartment for like an hour!

Joey: An hour? Well why didn’t you get me?

Michael: I was stuck in the hot tub. I didn’t want her to see my legs.

(They go out in the courtyard; A girl walks through the courtyard)

Joey: Well hello there, gorgeous.

Michael: I don’t have chicken legs.

(The girl leaves; another one comes out.)

Joey: Michael, this is like a dream. Pinch me.

(Michael pinches Joey’s butt.)

Joey: On the arm! Who goes for the ass? I’ve got to see what’s going on. (Knocks on Apartment 8’s door.)

Joey: Hi there.

Sara: Hi. Can I help you?

Joey: Yeah, uh, I live across the way, and I would like to join whatever club is meeting here.

Sara: There’s no club. Those are my clients. I’m a photographer.

Joey: Wow. I love erotic photography.

Sara: I didn’t say erotic.

Joey: I definitely heard someone say it. Uh, I’m Joey.

(Joey & Sarah shake hands)

Sara: I’m Sara.

Michael: I’m Michael.

Joey: Leave.

Michael: Okay.

(Michael Leaves)

Joey: It’s amazing to me that you’re a photographer. I mean, you are so beautiful you should be in front of the camera.

Sara: Wow. You really came out swinging, huh?

Joey: Okay, okay. Let me try a different approach. Uh, I saw a flower this morning and I thought it was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen until I gazed upon you.

Sara: Mmm…

Joey: Right? Yeah.

Sara: Listen, I really appreciate the effort, but you don’t have to work so hard. If you want to ask me out, just ask me out.

Joey: What? Just ask you?

Sara: Yeah. Watch this. Do you want to go out Saturday?

Joey: Yeah.

Sara: Great, we have a date.

Joey: Wait, wait, wait. I didn’t even compliment your eyes.

Sara: I know. My father must have been a thief because he stole two stars from the sky and put them in my eyes.

Joey: I did not know that one. That’s good.

Sara: Pick me up at 8:00.

(Sarah closes the door.)

Joey: Huh.

(A girl walks through the Courtyard.)

Joey: Hey there. I saw a flower this morning. I thought it was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen until I gazed upon you.

Sara: Really? Thank you.

Joey: Ok, so I’m not crazy.

[Opening Credits]

[Scene: Joey & Michael’s Apartment - Joey & Gina – Alex Enters]

Alex: Hey, guys.

Joey: Whoa, sexy new underwear there, huh?

Alex: You can tell?

Joey: When I was a kid, I wished for a super power. That’s what I got. So what’s the special occasion?

Alex: Well, my husband’s gonna be home tomorrow. So Gina took me to get some sexy undergarmets.

Gina: And it’s a good thing I did, because she was wearing cotton granny panties.

Alex: Well, it’s gonna be really great to see him. He’s been gone for, like, two months.

Gina: That’s a long time to be away from your man. You guys ever tried phone sex?

Alex: Yeah, I’m not very good at that. I tend to laugh too much and over describe the room.

Joey: Hey, you rented that apartment to the new girl? Nice job. Thanks for giving me a hot one.

Alex: I thought you two might have sparks. I miss Melrose Place.

Joey: Well I got a date with her Saturday night.

Gina: She lives right across the courtyard. What if it doesn’t work out. That could be so awkward.

Joey: Please, there is no awkward situation I can’t smooth over or run from. Ok? But I gotta say, this girl’s a tough one. None of my normal lines work on her. I’m gonna have to bring my A-game.

Alex: And, uh, what is you’re A-game?

Joey: Oh, well, I take her to this restaurant where the Maitre De knows my name, and he makes a big fuss over me. Then he seats us at a table where she can’t miss my headshot hanging on the wall. “Oh, how embarrassing.” Then at one point during the evening, I have one of my famous friends send over a bottle of wine, maybe Bob Duvall.

Alex: (Sarcastically) So?

Joey: Or, Celine Dion.

Alex: (Excited) Oh, yeah, I could see that working.

[Scene: The Courtyard – Joey & Alex]

Alex: So, are you excited about your date tonight?

Joey: Oh, yeah, I called the restaurant and set everything up.

Alex: Oh, who are they gonna say sent the wine.

Joey: Well, I went with Alan Thicke and Lou Diamond Phillips. Yeah, I like the idea that they’re friends.

(Eric Enters)

Eric: Hey, Joey, how you doing?

Joey: Hey, Eric. Welcome back.

Eric: Thanks, thanks. Hey, honey.

Alex: Hey.

(Eric & Alex kiss; Eric leaves)

Joey: Aw. So when was the big reunion?

Alex: That was it. He just got home.

Joey: Really? After two months? What are you doing out here talking to me? Get in there and make up for lost time.

Alex: Joey, it’s the middle of the day. We couldn’t do that. Could we?

(Joey looks at Alex)

Alex: I guess we could. I think I’m going to.

Joey: Thatta girl. Don’t let that new thong go to waste.

Alex: Amazing. Through Corduroy?

[Scene: A restaurant – Joey & Sara]

Joey: You are gonna love this place. The food is great. The only problem is they tend to make a fuss when actors come in.

Sara: Oh, I’m not a big fan of actors.

Joey: You don’t like actors?

Sara: No, they’re so self-absorbed and need to much attention.

Joey: But they’re America’s royalty.

Maitre De: Mr. Tribbiani, welcome. That was a very good show last night.

Joey: Yes, Tony, I also enjoyed the Apprentice.

Maitre De: Right this way, please. I’ve saved a very special table for you.

Sara: Thank you.

(Joey leans back in his chair, and puts his hand over his headshot)

Joey: So, you like sports or, uh-

Sara: What is that? Is that you- is that your headshot?

Joey: No, that’s not what this wall means. I ate the 96 ounce steak. As did Bernadette Peters.

Sara: Joey, what’s going on here?

Joey: I wanted to impress you. So I brought out my A-game, you know. My best moves; my best lines.

Sara: You don’t need to do that with me.

Joey: Okay, maybe we should just order.

Sara: Yeah, okay. You know, I’d order the pizza, but I haven’t had a decent one since I moved here from the East Coast.

Joey: Heh. Me neither.

Sara: Everybody recommended this place called Mario’s.

Joey: I went there.

Sara: It was awful, right?

Joey: So bad, I had to go some place else and eat a whole other pizza, just to get the taste out of my mouth.

Sara: I’m lucky my mom sends me pizza from home.

Joey: Wait, where are you from?

Sara: Philadelphia.

Joey: I love your sandwiches!

(The Monsieur De approaches Joey’s table and gives him a bottle of wine.)

Monsieur De: Mr. Tribbiani, compliments of Alan Thicke and Lou Diamond Phillips.

(The Monsieur De leaves)

Sara: Interesting pairing.

Joey: Thank you.

[Scene: Sara’s Apartment – Joey & Sara]

Sara: So, can I get you some wine? Compliments of Vanilla Ice and Tom Scarret.

Joey: Nice. Sure.

(Sara pours the wine; Joey looks at her photographs)

Joey: Wow, these are great. Did you take all these?

Sara: Yeah. That one I took in Burma. That little girl was selling gum on the street, Her eyes were so melancholy, yet so full of hope.

Joey: Couldn’t get her to smile, huh? Eh, what’re you gonna do?

Sara: You have a very interesting face. I can see why you became an actor.

Joey: Thank you.

Sara: Mind if I photograph it?

Joey: Eh… okay!

Sara: Have a seat.

(Joey sits on the couch and does several poses)

Sara: Joey, don’t pose.

Joey: Gotcha.

(Joey poses again.)

Sara: I’m not getting a sense of who you really are.

Joey: Oh, but what if this (Rests his head in his hands and makes a pouting face) really is who I am?

Sara: Listen, you know what, let’s just take a break. We’ll have some wine and do this later.

Joey: Sounds good.

(Joey takes a sip of his wine; Sarah takes a picture of him.)

Joey: Hey, I wasn’t ready.

Sara: No, this is great.

Joey: But I’m not doing anything.

Sara: Just relax. Be yourself.

(Sara sits on the couch by Joey and continues photographing him. She leans in close to him.)

Joey: Wow, if I was with any other girl, running my A game, I would lean in and kiss you right now, but I’m not sure what to do here.

Sara: This camera thing is my A-game, so let me make this easier for you.

(Sara kisses Joey)

Joey: I may borrow heavily from this in the future.

[Scene: Joey & Michael’s Apartment – Joey, Gina, & Michael]

Joey: (Smiling) Good morning everyone.

Michael: So I take it your date with Sara went well last night.

Joey: It was really nice, yeah. She’s not like other women I’ve dated. When didn’t have sex, but I still feel like a connection was made. Is that shallow?

(Alex Enters)

Alex: Hey.

Joey: Hey.

Gina: Hey. How is it having Eric back?

Alex: Oh, it’s great! It’s good. It’s a challenge. It’s hard.

Joey: Really? What’s wrong?

Alex: I guess I’ve forgotten what it’s like to live with somebody.

Joey: Oh, it’s a compromise, yeah. It’s taken me and Michael months to get everything just the way I like it.

Alex: Yeah, it’s different with Eric here. Like, I was doing my crossword this morning and the clue was “TV Lawyer: Ally ______”. And he said “McBeal!” I’m a lawyer, and I’m spunky. I think I know who Ally McBeal is, okay!

Michael: I’m sure being back must be an adjustment for him too.

Alex: Oh, yeah, especially since now he suffers from this horrible affliction called ‘jet lag’. You may not have heard of it, because apparently my husband is the first person ever to have it.

Michael: Um, I’ve had jet lag. It can be pretty bad.

Alex: He was in Cleveland!

Gina: Okay, so he’s bugging you. Have you tried to talk about it yet?

Alex: Ugh, no. The way I was raised we didn’t talk about our problems. When my mom was upset with my dad, she’d just go to the tennis pro and work on her game. She always came back so happy. It must’ve been Diego’s relaxed island attitude.

Joey: Yeah, that’s probably it. But still, maybe you and Eric should talk.

Alex: Yeah, you’re probably right. Okay, I’ll try.

Joey: trust me, it’ll help. When I first moved in, I had a big problem with Michael’s snoring. But then we talked about it, and it got better.

Michael: Talked about it? You put cotton balls in my nose and duck taped my mouth shut.

Joey: And we worked it out.

[Scene: Joey & Michael’s Apartment – Joey & Michael; Sarah enters]

Joey: Hey.

Sara: Hey. I just wanted to stop by and thank you for all the Philly cheese steaks you sent over. I think 30 sandwiches is gonna last me a while.

Joey: I know it sounds like a lot, but cheese steak is a very versatile snack. Lunch on the go? Cheese steak. Tired after racquetball? Cheese steak. Can’t find a baby gift? Cheese steak.

Sara: Well, I really appreciate it.

Joey: Hey, neighbor across the way, does something nice for you, you wanna say thank you…

Joey & Sara: (In unison) Cheese steak!

Sara: You know, Joey, I gotta tell you, you’re not exactly who I thought you’d be. Do you wanna go out again tomorrow night?

Joey: You’re just asking me? I mean, I want to, but I think I’d like you to work a little harder.

Sara: If I could rearrange the alphabet, I would put U and I together.

Joey: Where do you get this stuff?

Sara: See you tomorrow night.

Joey: Okay.

(Sara leaves)

Joey: Well, look at that, I just got asked out on a date.

Michael: You really like her.

Joey: I really do. In fact, I like her so much, I’m gonna do something that I’ve never done before. I am not gonna date any other women until I see Sara again.

Michael: You’re going out with her tomorrow. That’s like, twenty-four hours.

Joey: I know. That’s three very disappointed ladies. I mean, if Sara sees me with another girl, she might feel weird. I mean, she’s right over there.

Michael: You see, this- this is why I don’t date girls in the building.

Joey: (Laughing) Okay, buddy.

[Scene: The Courtyard – Joey & Alex; Eric enters]

Eric: Are you working on dinner yet, hon?

Alex: It’s only three in the afternoon.

Eric: Gosh, geez, what can I tell you? I’m on Cleveland time. Oh, God, I got the lag. Bad.

Joey: (Whispering to Alex) You have to say something.

Alex: (Whispering to Joey) I don’t know.

Eric: (Looking at Alex’s crossword puzzle) Now, honey, on your crossword, you missed an easy one. “Sesame Street Character: _______ Monster.” That’s Cookie.

Alex: Okay, we have to talk.

Joey: You know what, I’m gonna give you two some privacy.

(Joey goes into his apartment, and watches them through the window)

Alex: Honey, you know I love you, but I’m not used to having you around, and there are some things that have been bothering me.

Eric: I’m so sorry. I mean, I know I haven’t been myself, but I’m just so tired with the-

Alex: Jet lag! Yes. Um, funny you should mention that, because one of the problems is that you’ve been talking a lot about that.

Eric: Oh, oh, well I didn’t realize. I’m sorry.

Alex: And, please, just let me do the crossword puzzles myself.

Eric: Okay.

Alex: And if you’re gonna use the exercise bike, maybe you should just throw some shorts on.

[Cut to: Joey’s Apartment – Gina Enters]

Gina: (Seeing Joey looking out the window) Oh, are those two squirrels doing it again?

Joey: Shh, shh. Alex is finally getting everything off her chest with Eric.

[Cut to: The Courtyard – Alex & Eric]

Alex: And I really don’t appreciate you critiquing me when I’m singing in the shower.

Eric: As a musician, it bothers me when you sing off key. As a musician, it also bothers me that you never shave your legs.

Alex: Well, as a lawyer, it bothers me that your family sucks!

Eric: Well when you- (Looks at Joey & Gina staring through the window) Will you please tell them to get out of there.

[Scene: Joey & Michael’s Apartment – Joey & Michael]

Joey: Hey, Michael. Look, it’s Sara out there reading. Ah well, every diamond has it’s flaws.

Michael: Whoa, check out that stripper looking girl wondering around.

Joey: Stripper looking? She is a stripper. I met her at the- Oh, God, she’s here! Remember how I’m not dating anyone except for Sara? Well, I canceled my lunch, my dinner, but not my back up. I forgot about the back up! Damn, I can’t even remember her name. Tammy? Terri?

Michael: Wait a second, why is she over there?

Joey: She’s clearly lost. She’s gonna ask Sara where I live. Someone with a T what are you doing out there?! Oh, ok, I need your help.

Michael: Alright, what do you want me to do?

Joey: I need Sara to think that something with a T is here for you. Go out there, get her, and walk her back here.

Michael: This doesn’t really play to my strengths, Joey. I don’t lie well. I don’t deal with women well. I don’t walk particularly well.

Joey: From the hot tub to the apartment, 15 feet. Come on, Michael. You can do this. I believe in you.

Michael: There’s no other option?

Joey: If there was, would I be asking you?

(Michael enters the Courtyard)

Michael: Hi. You remember me, right? I’m Joey’s nephew.

Sara: Yeah, hi.

Michael: Hi. So that’s my date. (Points to the stripper) I’m here for her, and she’s here for me. There’s a connection there that’s exciting, but I’m really not sure where it’s going.

Stripper: Excuse me, I’m looking for an apartment. Do you know where-

Michael: I live? Yes. It’s me.

Stripper: Who are you?

Michael: Who am I? I’m Michael. You’re lover.

Stripper: My what?

Sara: What’s going on?

Michael: Nothing’s going on. It’s just, uh.. (Yelling at the door) Man down, man down!

(Joey enters)

Joey: Go to your room and think about what you did!

(Michael leaves)

Joey: Ladies, before I commit to a path here, what is the situation as everyone understands it?

Sara: Well, if I were to guess, I would say that this nice woman..

Stripper: Charlene.

Joey: Wow, was I off.

Sara: Charlene was here for a date with you and you had Michael come out to pretend that she was here for him.

Joey: That’s- that’s- that’s not what this is.

Sara: Then what is it?

(Gina enters and sees Joey stuttering)

Gina: Ha, ha, you’re in trouble.

(Gina leaves)

Sara: See you later, Joey.

Joey: Sarah, wait! Charlene, look, I’m gonna have to cancel. I really need to go deal with her.

Charlene: Okay, call me, Joey.

Joey: Wow, you’re game.

(Joey knocks on Sara’s door; Sara opens the door)

Joey: Hey, listen, Sara, I am really sorry about that, but you should know that I made that date with Charlene before I even met you.

Sara: I’m not upset that you had a date. I don’t care if you see other women, but you lied to me, and put on that stupid show. Just be honest, Joey. That’s the most important thing.

Joey: So, to summarize, I can see other women?

Sara: Yeah, I get that you’re the type of guy that dates a lot, and I’m okay with that.

Joey: Are you serious?

Sara: We went on one date. How inappropriate would it be for me to be jealous?

Joey: Very! Wow, you are so cool. This is gonna work out great.

(Rick enters)

Rick: Hey, Sara.

Sara: Hey, Rick.

Rick: We better get going if we’re going to make that movie.

Sara: You know what, I just need a minute, so make yourself at home.

Joey: So, you date too?

Sara: Is that okay?

Joey: Yeah, of course. It’s awesome. I love it.

Rick: (From inside her apartment) Alright, cheese steak!

Joey: See? Having a date with another dude? Cheese steak!

(Joey leaves, and enters his apartment)

Michael: How’d it go with Sara?

Joey: Well, she’s not mad at me. In fact, she doesn’t mind if I see other women.

Gina: Well that’s great.

Joey: I know. Yeah. She’s actually with another guy right now.

Gina: Are you okay with that?

Joey: Not really. I’m feeling a little jealous Not something I’ve experienced much; don’t care for it.

(Alex Enters)

Alex: Well, we did it. Eric and I talked, we screamed a bit. We got everything out in the open. It was pretty intense.

Joey: Look, Alex, I’m sorry, but can we talk about this some other time? I’m going through some stuff right now. Okay, there’s a guy over there with his hands all over my cheese steak.

Alex: Eric and I are getting separated.

Joey: That’s bigger.

(Alex cries; Joey hugs her)

[Scene: The Courtyard – Michael’s in the hot tub; a girl enters]

Michael: Uh, excuse me.

Girl: Yeah?

Michael: I saw a flower this morning, and I thought it was the most beautiful thing until I gazed upon you.

Girl: Wow, thank you. Would you like to go and get some coffee?

Michael: Okay.

(Michael gets out of the hot tub)

Girl: Oh, God. Your legs. I gotta go.

(The girl leaves)

Michael: Damn you, chicken legs!


Voir la fiche épisode, le script V.O. et le script V.F.

[Scene: The Courtyard – Joey, Michael, & Alex]

Alex: So, today’s the day. Eric is moving out.

Joey: Oh, you okay?

Alex: Yeah, actually. I think this separation thing is gonna be good.

Michael: What does this mean? Are you guys gonna like, date other people?

Joey: Ooh, ‘cause if you do, I got a great guy for you. PJ, he’s a security guard at work. He lives with his mom, but they live on a boat.

Alex: Joey, we’re not seeing other people. This is time for us to work on our relationship.

Joey: Oh, that’s too bad. If PJ doesn’t find a girl soon, I think he’s gonna kill his mom.

(Eric enters from his and Alex’s apartment, carrying his bags)

Eric: So, I, uh- I guess this is goodbye for now, huh?

Alex: I guess so.

(Alex and Eric hug; Joey looks at the Viola case strung across Eric’s back.)

Joey: (Whispering to Michael) Is that thing on his back a gun?

Michael: No.

Alex: This is the right thing, and it’s just temporary.

Eric: And, it’s exactly what we need: a little distance.

(Eric takes his things into the apartment across from Alex’s apartment)

Michael: That’s it?

Joey: What was with the big dramatic goodbye?

Alex: Well I know he’s close, but my husband and I are separated, that’s huge. I mean, he may not seem very far, but in my heart he’s a million miles away.

(Eric walks up behind Alex)

Eric: Alex.

Alex: Oh, God, you scared the crap out of me!

[Opening Credits]

[Scene: The Courtyard – Joey – Sarah Enters carrying groceries]

Joey: Oh, allow the gentleman to help the lady.

(Joey takes a bag)

Sara: Why, thank you. You know, I developed those pictures I took of you, and they’re great. There’s one in particular I want to show you.

Joey: Is it the nude one?

Sara: We didn’t take any nude photos.

Joey: Oh, sorry. That’s right, I had two photo shoots that day. Hey, you, uh- you wanna go see a movie tonight?

Sara: Oh, I would love to, but I have, uh-

Joey: Oh, right, dinner with Rick.

Sara: I’m looking forward to our date Tuesday though.

Joey: Yeah, yeah. Me too. I guess I’ll just see you then.

(They enter Sara’s Apartment)

Joey: (Looking into one of the grocery bags) Oh, hey, you got two bars of soap in there.

Sara: Go ahead, take one.

Joey: You rock.

[Scene: Joey & Michael’s Apartment – Gina is cooking dinner for Michael – Joey Enters]

Joey: Okay, which would you rather do: go to the movies with me, or make dinner for some boring dude?

Gina: You’re right! Michael, your own your own. Me and Joey are going to the movies.

Joey: No, no, Gina. Sara’s still dating that Rick guy. It really bothers me.

Michael: Joey, just tell her how you feel.

Joey: No. I’ll come off all needy and emotional. Women hate that.

Michael: No, actually, I beg to differ. You see, I told this girl, Annabelle, that she wasn’t giving me what I needed emotionally, and she really appreciated my honesty. Unfortunately she’s been gone every weekend for the last six months, but when she gets back, two hearts… beating as one. I’m gonna go check to see if her email account is still on the fritz.

(Michael leaves)

Gina: He’s gonna invent something, make lots of money, and then the women will come.

Joey: What am I gonna do about Sara?

Gina: Why don’t you show her such a good time that she forgets all about the other guy?

Joey: Ooh, okay. I can do that. Yeah. I’ll send her flowers, ask her about work, I’ll do all the stuff that ugly guys have to do.

(Phone Rings)

Joey: Hello. Glen. Yeah. Hey Gina, Glen’s on the phone for you.

(Gina motions for Joey to tell Glen she’s not there)

Joey: Uh, she’s not here right now. Yes, I did just say ‘Hey, Gina.’ Because I call everybody Gina. Look, I’ll have her call you. All right. Bye-bye, Gina. (Hangs up) What was that?

Gina: Well, I didn’t want to involve you because you’re his assistant, but things just haven’t been working out for us.

Joey: Why? He’s such a nice guy.

Gina: I know. He’s too nice. Do you know what it’s like to be with someone who asks permission to talk dirty to you? “May I ask you who your daddy is?”

Joey: So, what? You’re gonna break up with him?

Gina: Every time I bring the subject up, he just looks at me with those big eyes. He’s just so into me. If he finds out that I’m not in to him, it’s gonna kill him. I wish there was something else I could blame it on.

Joey: Well, you know what always works for me.

Gina: I am not gonna tell him I’m moving to some made-up country.

Joey: Hey, there’s always room for one more person in Bishkadoo.

[Scene: Sara’s Apartment – Sara & Joey]

(Joey gives Sara flowers)

Sara: Oh, those are so beautiful.

Joey: Yeah, I thought you might like them. And at the flower shop, they were also selling these really cute heart shaped balloons.

Sara: Yeah, that might’ve been a little much.

Joey: That’s what I thought, yeah.

(Joey let’s loose of the balloons he was holding behind his back)

Joey: And I also made you a CD with a bunch of songs I though you might like.

Sara: Aww.

Joey: Yeah, some Sinatra, Marvin Gay, and the last track is a jerky boy’s prank call. I’ll warn you now: Make sure you’re not drinking anything when you listen to it. It will come out your nose.

Sara: Wow, I love a bunch of these songs.

Joey: I’m not surprised. I know you, Sara. So, what’s for dinner?

Sara: Well, I kept it nice and simple. I made a great salad.

(Joey looks disappointed.)

Sara: I’m kidding. I made meatloaf. I know you, too.

Joey: That could’ve gotten ugly.

(Sara and Joey walk into the kitchen)

Joey: Ooh, wow. Boy, if your meatloaf is as good as it looks, you might just be the perfect woman.

Sara: Well, if you’re willing to tell me that that’s good meatloaf, you may be the perfect man.

(They kiss)

Sara: You know, I was thinking after we had out meatloaf, I could show you my bedroom.

Joey: Ooh, maybe we just skip the meatloaf and head in there right now.

Sara: Knowing how much food means to you, that’s very flattering.

Joey: Or maybe we bring the meatloaf into the bedroom.

Sara: Okay.

[Scene: Joey & Michael’s Apartment – Gina – Joey Enters]

Gina: Morning. Are you just getting home from your date?

Joey: Yep, we spent our first night together.

Gina: So, the flowers and everything worked, huh? No more Rick?

Joey: I feel pretty confident that Rick is out of the picture. I’m gonna go take a nap. I didn’t get much sleep last night, if you know what I mean.

Gina: Why? Were you worried about something.

Joey: No, we-

Gina: I know. Give me five! (They high-five)

[Scene: Joey’s Bedroom – Alex – Joey Enters]

Alex: Hi.

Joey: Oh! Oh my God!

Alex: I’m sorry, I’m sorry.

Joey: Oh, I thought you were a girl I left up here by mistake. It has happened.

Alex: I know it’s weird that I’m in your bedroom, but being separated from Eric, I just-

Joey: Hey, hey, hey. It’s not weird. You’re hurting. You’ve come to me for erotic comfort.

Alex: Joey, ew.

Joey: Ew? Ew, you! Well then what are you doing up here?

Alex: I can see into Eric’s apartment from your window. This separation thing was a lot harder than I expected, and so I was kind of spying on him.

Joey: What? Why?

Alex: This girl from his orchestra called and left a message that she was coming over to meet him today. She’s a cellist.

Joey: Hey, Alex, let’s not bring race into this. Look, Alex, I think you’re making a big deal out of nothing. And also, you don’t want to start spying.

Alex: Start spying? I’ve been doing this since seventh grade. My boyfriend cheated on me. Do you know any other twelve-year-old girls with German military binoculars?

Joey: So have you spied on Eric before?

Alex: No. According to my surveillance log, I haven’t done it at all since college. Ah, Trevor. You said you weren’t gay. Man In Park would disagree.

[Scene: Joey & Michael’s Apartment – Gina & Joey]

Joey: Hey.

Gina: Hey.

Joey: I’m just grabbing some food for Alex.

Gina: She is in your bedroom already? Looking for erotic comfort?

Joey: That’s what I thought. No, she’s up there spying on her husband.

Gina: Oh, wow, I like her more and more. Oh, Sara dropped this off for you. (Hands Joey a package)

Joey: Hmm.

(Glen knocks on the door)

Gina: That’s Glen. He kept calling, so I decided to bite the bullet and break up with him. Would you mind answering it and maybe sticking around in case things get a little rough.

(Joey runs upstairs; Gina opens the door)

Gina: Hey.

Glen: Hey.

Gina: Look, Glen, we need to talk. Have a seat.

Glen: Okay.

Gina: Glen, you truly are a nice guy, but things just aren’t working out.

Glen: I knew something was wrong. I knew it. Now I’m getting the nice guy speech. Wow. Even though I knew this was coming, it still hurts. (Glen’s eyes get big)

Gina: Oh, no, don’t do this. Not the big eyes.

Glen: What do you expect? You think I don’t know what nice means? It’s code for boring. I make you sick and I put you to sleep at the same time!

Gina: No, Glen, I don’t want you to feel bad.

Glen: How could I not feel bad? You hate me.

Gina: No, I can’t have you thinking that.

Glen: Well, you’re breaking up with me. If you don’t hate me, what is it?

Gina: Uh, it’s uh…

(Michael enters)

Michael: Oh, hey guys.

(Michael leaves)

Gina: It’s Michael. He hates you.

Glen: What? I barely talked to him.

Gina: Yeah, and he noticed that. I’m sorry, I just can’t be with a guy who gets between me and my son.

Glen: Ok, well maybe if I-

Gina: I already thought about it. It will never work.

(Gina pushes Glen out the door and closes it)

[Scene: Joey’s Bedroom – Joey & Alex]

Joey: Ah, Sara gave me one of her photographs. Now every time I look at it I’ll think of her. Isn’t it beautiful?

(Joey shows Alex the picture)

Alex: It’s a picture of you.

Joey: Yeah, I know. Those eyes just burn in you, don’t they? I’m sorry. Gah, I shouldn’t be talking about Sara.

Alex: Why not?

Joey: Because I’m not being sensitive. I mean, our relationships are in very different places. Mine is… shoop. (Imitates with his hand that it’s going good). And yours is (Whistles and imitates crashing).

Alex: Thanks for being so sensitive.

Joey: (Holding up his picture) Hey, it’s who we are.

Alex: (Looking out the window) Ooh, here comes cello girl. Oh, no, she’s a lot prettier than I thought she’d be.

Joey: Let me take a look. (Takes Alex’s binoculars) Wow. That is not what I thought a cello was.

Alex: Oh my God, there’s Eric, letting her in. (Gasps) They shook hands. Ugh, get a room!

Joey: Alex, stop. Enough spying. I can’t believe you’re doing this.

Alex: Oh, hey, there’s Sara. Who’s that guy she’s with?

Joey: Give me those. (Takes the binoculars) She’s still dating Rick? What about our special night? Oh, she just kissed him.

(Alex whistles and imitates crashing)

Joey: I can’t believe she’s dating Rick.

Alex: Even though it’s not technically related to me, can I still put it in my log?

Joey: (Glares at Alex) God, I though Sara and I had reached a new place. How could she do this?

Alex: Well aren’t you seeing other people too?

Joey: Well, technically, but I haven’t been with anyone since I met her. You know what? That’s the problem. I’m just sitting around while she’s doing stuff. If she’s gonna have a date tonight, then so am I!

Alex: It’s already eight o’clock. Are you gonna be able to find anyone to go out with?

Joey: Give me a letter.

Alex: H?

Joey: (On the phone) Hey, Heather. It’s Joey. Yep. Nope. (Hangs up) She’s coming over.

[Scene: Joey & Michael’s Apartment – Michael – Glen knocks]

Michael: Come in.

(Glen Enters)

Glen: Hey.

Michael: Oh, hey, Glen. Joey’s upstairs.

Glen: Oh, no, actually I’m here to talk to you, buddy.

Michael: Do you have a math problem, or…?

Glen: No, no. I was just thinking, and we haven’t really gotten to know each other, so I thought maybe we could go and do something fun.

Michael: Like what?

Glen: If we left right now, we could make it to Disney Land before it closes.

Michael: Disney Land? Does my mom know about this?

Glen: No.

Michael: Can I go on Space Mountain?

Glen: Sure.

Michael: Will you buy me cotton candy?

Glen: As much as you want.

Michael: Congratulations, Glen, you may take me to Disney Land.

[Scene: Joey & Michael’s Apartment – Joey & Alex]

Alex: Blonde girl approaching –ten meters from door.

Joey: Thank you.

Alex: Five meters!

Joey: I got it, Alex!

(Heather knocks on the door; Joey answers)

Joey: Hey, Heather. Thanks for coming by. (Kisses Heather) Wait, what’s with the uniform?

Heather: Oh, I came straight from work.

Joey: But this is a date. I thought you’d wear something a little more sexy than No-payments-on-a-flat-screen-until-2006.

Heather: No, we actually have a deal now where-

Joey: Heather, heather. No.

(Sara & Rick enter the Courtyard)

Sara: Hey, Joey. You remember Rick. We’re just on our way out.

Joey: Oh, yeah. This is my date, Heather. You can’t tell but she actually has a great body under that uniform. (To Heather) You wanna show her your belly button ring? No? Whatever you’re comfortable with. (To Sara) What are you guys doing?

Sara: We’re going to a movie.

Joey: Oh, that’s all? We’re going to a movie and dinner.

Sara: Well, we’ll probably get drinks.

Joey: Well, we’ll probably get drunk.

Sara: Great. Have a great time.

Joey: Oh, we will. Have fun drinking in moderation.

[Scene: Joey & Michael’s Apartment – Gina – Michael & Glen Enter]

Michael: Thanks so much, Glen.

Glen: Anytime, buddy, anytime.

Gina: What’s going on? What are you guys doing together?

Glen: Oh, I wanted to get a little closer to Michael, so I took him to Disney Land.

Gina: Uh, I thought we agreed to boycott that place.

Michael: Mom, for the last time, they don’t serve beer to anyone there. It’s not just you, okay? Besides, if me and my new friend Glen want to go to a theme park, we’ll go to a theme park, or a planetarium. Right? Tuesday, see you there?

Glen: I’ll be there.

Michael: Alright, you got it.

Glen: No, no, no. You got it.

(Michael Leaves)

Glen: I cant’ do this.

Gina: What?

Glen: Look, Gina, I really wanted this to work, but I mean, who goes on a roller coaster and talks about parabolic velocity? And evidently, if a real mouse had a head and ears that big, it’s head would snap! So, I’m really sorry, but this is really over. Oh God, I hear him coming. I gotta go.

(Glen runs out; Michael enters holding a back)

Michael: Mom, I was right about what I was saying to Glen before. It turns out the actual pirates of the Caribbean, like in real life, would not have been chasing women around, because they were like, family men with staunch religious backgrounds.

Gina: I have never loved you more.

[Scene: Joey’s Bedroom – Joey & Heather Enter]

Joey: Alex, you in here?

Heather: Who’s Alex?

Joey: Oh, just a small women who stays in my room sometimes. It’s fine. So, welcome to my bedroom. You’ll find bottled water on your left, pillows and blankets for your convince, and our flight time is scheduled for three hours and twenty minutes.

Heather: Joey, I’ve heard your speech before.

Joey: Oh, good, then I don’t have to show you where the exits are.

(Heather kisses Joey; Joey looks at the picture that Sara gave to him)

Joey: Uh, can you just give me one second?

Heather: Okay.

(Joey takes the picture off the wall)

Heather: Oh, that is such a cute picture of you. Who took it?

Joey: Uh, someone who’s so far from my mind that I can’t hardly even remember her name. Now, where were we, Sara?

Heather: Wait, did you just call me Sara?

Joey: Oh, do you not like that, Heather?

Heather: Actually, no, I don’t. What is going on here? Do you not wanna do this?

Joey: I do. I don’t. I do. I can’t.

Heather: I’m done.

Joey: I’ll bet.

(Heather Leaves; Alex comes out from behind the curtains)

Alex: Go talk to Sara!

Joey: Will you stop doing that?!

Alex: I’m sorry, I’m sorry, but I heard you coming and I didn’t want to leave.

Joey: I don’t understand it. Sara is out with someone else. Why can’t I do that? I can’t take this anymore. I’m gonna go talk to her.

Alex: Ok, on your way over, could you give Eric’s window a quick wipe?

[Scene: Sara’s Apartment – Sara and Rick – Joey Enters]

Sara: Joey?

Joey: I hope you’re happy! Rick. Thanks to you, my date is ruined.

Sara: How?

Joey: Because you gave me that picture. Now every time I look at me, I think of you.

Sara: Well you seem to be doing an okay job of forgetting about me with stereo girl.

Joey: First of all, she is in the television department. Okay? Second, I sent her home. I couldn’t enjoy myself with her, because you are so in my head.

Sara: You think I’m enjoying myself? You think I enjoy being with Rick?

Rick: Wow, I kind of thought this was going okay. I made my own guacamole.

Joey: Well if you don’t like this guy, then why are you still seeing him?

Sara: Because I can’t put all my eggs in one basket. You’re not exactly a one women kind of guy.

Joey: Well, maybe I just haven’t found the right woman!

Sara: Are you saying I’m it?

Joey: Maybe I am? (To Rick) This is great by the way!

Rick: Thanks. You know, I’m just gonna go. It’s a shame you’ll never have my tequitos.

(Rick Leaves)

Sara: So, what are we saying here?

Joey: I guess we’re saying that we wanna be together, and not see anyone else. It was less scary when I yelled it.

Sara: Well if we’re gonna do this, I wanna be sure that it’s for the right reasons and not because you’re jealous because it’s something that you really want. So I think that you should take some time to think about it.

Joey: Fine. I will.

(Joey leaves, and then re-enters)

Joey: I thought about it. (Kisses Sara)

Sara: Wow, that really is good guacamole.

[Scene: Joey’s Bedroom – Alex is spying on her husband – Joey Enters]

Joey: Hey. I just came back for my toothbrush. Is cello girl still in there?

Alex: Yeah.

Joey: I just had a really good conversation with Sara.

Alex: I know, I read your lips. That was beautiful. I think I’m getting a little delirious. I saw Chewbacca walking through the Courtyard.

Joey: That was Michael, honey. He’s going to a convention. You’ve gotta get some sleep. Look, there is nothing going on over there. You get some rest. I’ll watch until she leaves, okay?

Alex: Okay. Oh, wait, I gotta log out.

Joey: I’ll do it for you.

Alex: That’s against procedure, but okay.

(Alex gets in Joey’s bed; Joey watches Eric’s Apartment. The cellist starts to leave, Eric kisses her, then they go back into Eric’s Apartment.)


Voir la fiche épisode, le script V.O. et le script V.F.

[Scene: Joey & Michael’s Apartment – Joey, Gina, & Michael]

Joey: Guys, guys-

Gina: Oh good, you’re up. You can settle this. Which one of us is the bigger pain in the ass?

Joey: Gina, I don’t have time for this. I have a big problem.

Gina: Just pick one!

Joey: Fine. Gina, you are the bigger pain in the ass.

Gina: (To Michael) Told ya.

Joey: Can you listen to me please? Okay, you remember how Alex was spying on her husband from my bedroom? Well when she fell asleep, I saw him kissing another woman.

Gina: Oh my god.

Joey: I know, and she has no idea. She’s up there sleeping like an angel, and drooling like a bull.

Michael: So what are you gonna do? You gonna tell her?

Joey: I don’t know.

Gina: I can tell you from personal experience, you get news like that, you end up stabbing the messenger.

Michael: I think the saying is “shoot the messenger.”

Gina: What saying?

Joey: You know what, I think you’re right. She shouldn’t hear this from me. Eric should be the one to tell her. I think I’m going to go have a little chat with him.

Michael: Whoa, you think he’s going to listen to you?

Joey: Oh yeah, he’s pretty scared of me. He thinks we’re in the mafia.

Michael: Just because we’re Italian?

Joey: No, because Gina told him we were.

Gina: Well I think it makes us more colorful.

[Opening Credits]

[Scene: Eric’s Apartment – Joey & Eric]

Joey: Eric, hi, can I talk to you for a second?

Eric: Uh, sure. Yeah, come on in.

Joey: Hey look, I saw something last night that I don’t think I was supposed to see.

Eric: Oh my god, was there a hit? Is somebody sleeping with the fishes?

Joey: I am not in the mafia!

Eric: Right, right. (Whispers) The feds.

Joey: Eric, Eric, Eric! I saw you kissing that woman last night.

Eric: What? Um, look, no, it’s not what it looks like.

Joey: Look, I know the excuses, okay? I’ve used them all. She’s an old friend. She was my sister. She had peanut butter in my mouth and I was starving.

Eric: All right, um, does Alex know?

Joey: No, I didn’t tell her.

Eric: Thank God, thank you.

Joey: Yeah, because I think she should hear it from you.

Eric: You’re right. You’re right, I’ll tell her. But things are pretty raw right now and we’re kind of on shaky ground, so just let me find the right time.

Joey: Fine, but don’t wait too long. Otherwise I’m going to have to come back and see you.

Eric: Oh my god, with some of your (whispers) associates?

Joey: That’s right.

(Joey kisses Eric on both cheeks and leaves. Italian music plays.)

[Scene: Joey’s Bedroom – Joey & Michael]

Michael: Hey.

Joey: Hey.

Michael: What are you doing?

Joey: Well, this whole thing with Alex and Eric has got me thinking, you know, things are going so great with me and Sara that I don’t want to mess up and sleep with someone else. So you know what I’m going to do?

Michael: Become a different person?

Joey: No, no. I’m calling all the girls I used to go out with and letting them know that I am know unavailable. All right, let’s see who’s next.

Michael: Joey, you really think you’re going to be able to give up other women?

Joey: Yeah, I think it’s time. I mean I’ve had my fair share of women. I’ve had at least one from every county, except Iceland.

Michael: Really? That’s the only kind of girl you’ve never been with?

Joey: Yep. I thought I had one once. I spent the whole weekend with her, and it turned out she was a Dane.

(Sara Enters)

Sara: Hey.

Joey: Hey.

Michael: Hi.

Sara: Hi, Michael. Wow, you Tribbiani’s must have an amazing gene pool. You are one good-looking family.

Michael: (laughs awkwardly) Whoo.

Joey: Yeah, don’t compliment him. It gets him confused.

Sara: What’s this list of women’s names?

Joey: Oh, I’m clearing the decks, letting them all know that I am off the market.

Sara: Oh. That’s really a great idea. I think I’ll call all my old flames.

Joey: Let them down easy.

Sara: I will. It’s convenient because all the Tennessee Titans are at training camp.

Joey: What?

Sara: I’m kidding.

Joey: Oh.

Sara: All right, I should go.

Joey: Yeah, you should go.

Sara: Goodbye.

Joey: Goodbye.

(Joey & Sara lay down on the bed and begin kissing; Michael stares)

Joey: Uh, Michael, you mind giving us a little privacy?

Michael: (laughs awkwardly) Okay. You know, I’m gonna do this someday because I’m handsome.

[Scene: Joey & Michael’s Apartment – Joey & Michael – The phone rings]

Joey: (picks up the phone) Hello, I’m off the market. I’m in a committed relationship now.

Bobbie: Joey, it’s Bobbie.

Joey: Oh, hey Bobbie. I was just, uh-

Bobbie: Oh honey, I don’t care what you were doing, as long as you’re off the steroids, I don’t need to know your business.

Joey: Uh, I was never on steroids.

Bobbie: Oh, sure, a forehead just grows that way on it’s own. Anyways, Deep Powder just called and they want you to come in early for body make-up. You have a big love scene today.

Joey: Oh, really? Man, I wish I didn’t have to.

Bobbie: It’ll be great. It’s with Carmen Electra. (Joey’s silent for a minute) Hello? Hello? (Joey seems to be frozen with the phone in his hand)

Michael: Joey. Joey. (snaps in front of Joey’s face)

Joey: I’m in big trouble. I’m trying to e good and now I have to do a love scene with Carmen Electra.

Michael: So what? You’ll be acting. It’s not like you’ll be in an actual romantic situation with her.

Joey: Oh, Michael, Michael, you regular people are so naïve. I have been in seventy-five love scenes in my career. Now do you know how many times that’s led to actual sex?

Michael: Seventy-five?

Joey: Two hundred and forty-four!

[Scene: Joey & Michael’s Apartment – Gina & Joey]

Gina: Hey.

Joey: Hey.

Gina: So, did you talk to Eric?

Joey: Yeah, he’s going to tell Alex but he wants to wait until the right time.

Gina: Well, he better be nice to Shirley.

(Joey looks questioningly at Gina)

Gina: Oh, I think of her as Shirley and me Laverne.

(Phone rings; Joey answers it)

Joey: Hello. Oh, Sharon, thanks for calling me back. Yeah, are the rest of the Hawaiian tropic girls there? Great. Can you put me on speakerphone? Ok, bad news ladies…

(Joey exits; Alex enters)

Alex: Hey! I just talked to Eric.

Gina: Oh, honey, I’m so sorry.

Alex: Yeah, we’re separated and he still wants me to call his mother for her birthday? I don’t want to call her. That woman does not like me. The first time I met her she looked at my chest and said, “What’s going on there?”

Gina: Is that all you talked about?

(Joey Enters)

Alex: Yeah, I just can’t believe him.

Joey: Who?

Alex: Eric. I just had this really intense conversation with him.

Joey: Oh, he told me he was going to talk to you. Are you okay?

Gina: Joey, can I see you outside for a second?

Joey: Gina, Alex is going through something right now. Could you be a little sensitive?

Gina: Joey on the patio now!

(Gina goes out to the patio; Joey shuts the door and locks it)

Joey: It always about Gina. Sorry, go ahead sweetie. Here, sit down.

Alex: Well I’m just so mad. I mean I know this is going to sound harsh, but I just, I hate that woman!

Joey: Alex, Eric has some responsibility in this too.

Alex: Yeah, I guess.

Joey: You guess? Come on, he made out with her!

Alex: Eric made out with his mother?

Joey: What?! First he’s kissing that other woman, now he’s making out with his mother? Hold it together, dude!

(Gina runs in from the courtyard)

Gina: Joey, don’t say anything.

Alex: He made out with her?

Joey: Oh, God, I’m so sorry Alex.

Gina: Me too.

Alex: I can’t believe this.

Joey: (Hugs Alex) I know. (To Gina) A little heads up would’ve been nice.

Alex: How could Eric do this? Oh, geez luigi, this is bad!

Joey: (To Gina) Geez Luigi?

Alex: What happened? Was it just a kiss or did they actually-

Joey: I don’t know the details. That’s why I thought it was important that Eric be the one to tell you.

Gina: This way’s good too.

Alex: We got separated so we could work on the marriage and now he’s off with another woman? I mean, I know I was spying on him, but I never really thought he would do anything. How am I going to forgive him for this?

Joey: Are you definitely going to forgive him?

Alex: Yeah. What else am I supposed to do?

Gina: Get mad! Alex, this is a big deal, and this is not your only problem. He is always on tour, when he is in town you barely connect, and you don’t have a passionate sex life.

Alex: Gina, don’t talk about my sex life.

Gina: And now you’re separated for one day, and he’s with someone else and you’re just going to accept this? You deserve better.

Alex: Okay, you’re right. I’ll talk to him.

Gina: Don’t talk to him, yell at him!

Joey: Oh, then take Gina with you. She yells all the time.

Alex: You know, it might actually be good to have you there, you know, as moral support. That way if I start to cave, you won’t let me.

Gina: It’s inappropriate, it’s almost certainly going to make things worse, I’ll do it.

Alex: Thanks.

(Alex & Gina leave; Michael enters) Michael: So, I just finished reading your scene with Carmen Electra. They’re pretty intense. Get ready to blush.

Joey: I think I’ll be okay. (Takes the script from Michael) Geez luigi! Oh, man, this is bad, and it’s Carmen Electra. You put the two of us together in a love scene and it’s a sexual time bomb! I need something to defuse it. I need something that’s such a turn off it will desexualize any situation. I need a living, breathing cold shower. (pauses) Hey buddy, you want to meet Carmen Electra?

Michael: Sure!

[Scene: Eric’s Apartment – Gina & Alex]

Alex: Eric? Eric? I guess he’s not home. God, I can’t believe he was in this room kissing another woman. I’m just so angry I could break something.

Gina: Do it! What’s the most important thing he owns?

Alex: His viola, but we can’t break that. It means too much to him.

Gina: Okay, we’ll do one better. All we’re gonna do is take it and put it in the middle of the room. He’ll see all the other stuff we messed with and he’ll always wonder, “What did they do to my viola?”

Alex: Oh. That will really fudge with his head.

Gina: I once did it to an ex-boyfriend of mine.

Alex: Oh, did he play an instrument?

Gina: No, it was a pound of hash.

[Scene: The Deep Powder Set]

Michael: Oh God, there she is. There’s Carmen Electra.

Joey: Here she comes. Okay, do not leave my side.

Michael: Okay, be strong. Remember Sara, okay? You can not leave her. She thinks I’m good-looking.

(Carmen approaches)

Carmen: Hey, Joey.

Joey: Hey.

Carmen: I’m really excited we’re working together. You know, I’m a huge Days of Our Lives fan. I love Drake Ramoray.

Joey: Oh, thanks. Hey uh, this is my nephew, Michael.

Carmen: Hi, I’m Carmen.

Michael: Oh.

Carmen: Uh, you’re collars a little up in the back. (fixes Michael’s collar)

Michael: Oh.

Carmen: There you go.

Michael: Thanks.

(Carmen walks away)

Michael: Please have sex with her.

Joey: Michael!

Michael: I’m sorry. Look, you have a big problem here.

(Bobbie enters)

Bobbie: Joey! I cam down to watch your big scene.

Joey: Oh, hey.

Bobbie: (Seeing Michael) Oh and you. Come on, give me! (Picks up Michael) What are you doing here?

Joey: He’s here to stop me from jumping in bed with Carmen Electra.

Bobbie: Really? Well who’s stopping him from jumping in bed with me?

(Michael runs away)

Joey: Why’d you scare him off? He was my buffer.

Bobbie: Why don’t you want anything to happen with Carmen Electra? She’s the only woman I would sleep with, or so I thought until last Saturday.

Joey: Sweet. Yeah, uh, I’m worried because I just started a committed relationship-

Bobbie: You did what?

Joey: Yeah, yeah, we’re being exclusive, and I-

Bobbie: (Laughing) Exclusive!

Joey: So if you could just get them to rewrite the script a little bit, that would be great.

Bobbie: Oh sure. Alert: All writers and directors: Joey Tribbiani is in a relationship. Let’s stop Hollywood. (Laughing) Exclusive! You big jackass.

Director: Joey, we’re going to run through your scene with Carmen before we shoot it. All right, let’s take it from the top.

Carmen: Thank you, Jeremiah. Because of your hard work, I just won four more years in the US senate. Isn’t a senate term six years?

Director: Please, read the line as written.

Joey: Well, the US senate has been a great friend to Powder Mountain.

Carmen: We’d like to be more than just friends. (Presses herself against Joey)

Director: You know, here might be a good time for the senator to take her jacket off.

(Carmen takes her jacket off)

Joey: (To himself) Take her jacket off? Okay, it’s no big deal, no big deal. (Looks at Carmen with her jacket off) That is just ridiculous!

Director: And now Carmen moves in really close.

(Carmen moves closer and wraps her arms around Joey)

Joey: Uh, could we take a break? I forgot my line here.

Carmen: The script just says adlib heavy breathing. Ahhh.

Joey: Man that is good writing.

Director: Okay, can you guys hold that position while we adjust the cameras? Great.

Joey: Wow, I am really feeling the heat. You are a great actress.

Carmen: I’m not acting. We’re going to have sex today.

Joey: Two hundred and forty-five.

[Scene: Eric’s Apartment – Gina & Alex]

Gina: (Putting on a tie) Look at me, I’m Annie Hall.

Alex: Okay, so guess what. I broke a framed picture of his mother, I changed all the clocks to be ten minutes slow so he’ll always be late, and I made it so that his TiVo will only record wrestling.

Gina: Oh, that’s good. Do a bunch of mean things and then one nice thing to throw him off.

Alex: This place is a mess. Have we gone too far?

Gina: No. Don’t soften, I need you to be strong. We’re gonna get through this together.

(Eric Enters)

Eric: What the hell is…

(Gina cuts up on of Eric’s ties)

Eric: Oh my god. You know.

Alex: Yeah.

Eric: What did you do to my viola?

(Gina shrugs)

Eric: Alex, I am so sorry. I feel badly about what I did. It was a terrible mistake, and if I could take it back, I would, but all that I can do is say that I am very, very sorry.

Alex: Well, that’s something.

Gina: Ahem.

Alex: Well it is something!

Eric: (To Gina) Could you at least stop cutting those?

Gina: (Cuts another tie) No.

Eric: Look, Alex, you have to kind of look at this from my perspective, you know. I mean, you wanted the separation. You forced me into it.

Alex: What are you saying?

Eric: Well, look, what I did was wrong, you know, but you have to take some responsibility here, honey. I mean, it’s kind of your fault too.

Alex: Gina, you can go.

Gina: You sure?

Alex: Yeah, I got this.

(Gina grabs a bottle of wine and heads for the door)

Eric: Uh, excuse me, I think that’s my wine.

Gina: Yes, but you gave it to me as a sign of respect!

Eric: Enjoy.

[Scene: Joey’s Dressing Room]

Michael: You turned down Carmen Electra. Like, how did you do it?

Joey: I did anything I could to distract myself, you know. I thought about Sara. I thought about baseball. I thought about sandwiches. This may not have been my best performance. Hey look, I can’t take anymore chances. (Hands Michael the keys) Go get the car, and get me out of here. I won’t feel safe until I’m home.

(Michael leaves; Joey calls Sara)

Sara: (Answering the phone) Joey Tribbiani’s girlfriend.

Joey: Aww, that’s nice to hear. Look, I just called because I wanted to hear your voice, and also, I want you to know that I would never do anything to- (Carmen Electra walks out of Joey’s bathroom with a towel wrapped around her) I’m going to have to call you back.

Carmen: Hi, Joey.

Joey: Hi, uh, uh, what are you doing here?

Carmen: I didn’t have a shower in my dressing room, and I thought you might want to see me naked.

Joey: You’re like a mind reader.

Carmen: I’ve had a crush on you for the longest time.

Joey: Me too. I still use your 1998 Baywatch calendar ‘cause it’s to hot. I’ve missed Christmas for the last four years in a row, but it’s overrated anyway.

Carmen: Let’s do this.

Joey: But I just started a relationship.

Carmen: Then this would be just between us. No one has to know.

Joey: Honey, we’re both going to want to tell people about this. Look, I’m sorry. This girl’s too great for me to risk messing things up. I hope you’ll be okay.

Carmen: Let’s not get carried away. I’ll be okay. Well it’s nice to know you’re a one-woman-guy.

Joey: Well, thanks. I didn’t know I had this kind of willpower. I mean, if I can resist you, I can resist anything.

(Someone knocks on the door; Joey answers it)

Elsa: Carmen, there you are.

Carmen: Oh, Joey, this is my friend, Elsa.

Elsa: Wow, Drake Ramoray. I’m a big fan. You’re huge in Iceland. Maybe we can share him.

Joey: Oh, come on! (Storms out)

[Scene: Joey & Michael’s Apartment – Gina, Alex, Michael, & Joey]

Joey: Hey, what’s going on?

Alex: (Crying) I talked to Eric, and um, it’s not going to work out.

Joey: Oh, I’m so sorry.

Michael: Yeah, can I get you anything, Alex?

Alex: You know, um, I think I could use some of that wine you took.

Gina: Uhh…

Alex: You drank it all?

Gina: Well you were gone for like twenty minutes.

Joey: Hey, hey, you know what? I was saving it for a special occasion, but I’ve got a bottle of champagne in the fridge. What do you say, we pop it open and toast to new beginnings?

Gina: Uhh…

Joey: Well, if it makes you feel any better, I didn’t sleep with Carmen Electra today.

Alex: It kind of does.

[Scene: Joey & Michael’s Apartment – Joey & Sara]

Joey: So, are we still on for tonight?

Sara: Yeah, let me go put my stuff down and we can get going.

Joey: Okay. Hey, uh, you don’t happen to have any Icelandic in you, do you?

Sara: Actually my grandfather was born in Iceland.

Joey: Cool.

Sara: Okay, see you.

Joey: Okay.

(Sara leaves; Joey gets out his map of girls)

Joey: I think that counts.


Voir la fiche épisode, le script V.O. et le script V.F.

[Scene: Joey and Michael's. Joey is there as Gina enters]

Gina: Hey. Where's Michael. He up yet?

Joey: No. He got home really late last night. That's like, the third time this week. I think he might have a girlfriend.

Gina: (she laughs and then looks at Joey) I'm not a good mother.

Joey: Well, look. I'm serious. It's not impossible. He's seen the way I am around women. He can't help but have picked up on some of it.

Gina: Well, I guess it's possible. You never know with Michael. He's really good at keeping his emotions to himself.

(Michael enters from hallway)

Michael: (singing) I am the man who will fight for your honor.

Joey: Correct me if I'm wrong, but that is Peter Cetera, the voice of modern love.

Michael: (using an bottle of orange juice as a microphone) Like a knight in shining armor from a long time ago.

Joey: Michael, Michael! What's uh, what's going on with you?

Michael: Okay, I met someone.

Gina: He met someone!

Joey: Hey!

Michael: And it's a woman.

Joey: It's a woman!

Gina: He met a woman! (She and Joey hug)

Joey: All right. Okay. Alright.

Michael: I'm sorry I didn't tell you guys, but it's early, y'know? We’ve only gone out with her a couple of times.

Gina: So when can I meet her?

Michael: No, I don't want to overwhelm her, Mom.

Gina: I won't overwhelm me, she'll love me! I'm a cool mom, I even got a tattoo on my ass that says so. When can I meet her?

Michael: Maybe we can schedule that little meeting when hell freezes over.

Joey: Dude, you have a girlfriend. It already did.

[Opening credits]

[Scene: The patio. Gina is there as Joey enters]

Joey: Hey.

Gina: Hey.

Joey: How come you're not laying out by the Jacuzzi?

Gina: Oh, there's this creepy teenager who's always staring at me out there. But he's not around today, so what's the point?

Joey: Have uh, have you seen Alex?

Gina: Yeah, for, like, a second. She seemed really busy.

Joey: Yeah. I think that's how she's handling the divorce. Keeping herself distracted with all these projects. Cleaning the garage, scrubbing the hot tub.

Gina: The other day she offered to make me a pair of boots.

Joey: Oh, say yes. They smell weird, but man, are they comfortable

Gina: Well, I think it's great she's keeping busy. After my divorce, I was so depressed, it was all I could do to finish eleventh grade.

(Alex enters from her apartment carrying a bag)Alex: Hey, guys.

Joey: Hey.

Gina: Hi. What's wrong?

Alex: Ran out of projects.

Gina: Hey, you still haven't made me those boots.

Alex: I didn't know if you were a seven or an eight so I made both. (she takes two pairs of shoes out of the bag and hands them to Gina)

Joey: Ooh, man, that batch smells even worse. Uh, Alex, are you okay?

Alex: Yeah, I just think this divorce thing is finally getting to me. It just feels like I'll never be happy again.

Gina: Yes you will. We'll help you.

Joey: Yeah. Yeah, hey, I'll take you to this comedy club I went to last week. This guy was talking about how when white people make toast, they're all, "Butter, butter, butter, butter, butter, butter!"

Alex: I don't get it.

Joey: I didn't get it either, but everyone else at the club was laughing, so I figured, "What the hell?" (he walks away) Butter, butter.

[Scene: Joey's bedroom. Joey and Sara are sitting on Joey's bed]

Joey: Now you get off Powder Mountain and you never come back.

Sara: Joey, you're talking to a wolf. I don't know what you want me to do.

Joey: Uh, growl?

Sara: Okay. Grr.

Joey: Come on, give me something.

Sara: GRR!

Joey: Hey, whoa! The scene's not all about you.

Sara: (she takes out a card) So I, I got you a little something, you know, for today.

Joey: Huh? What's today?

Sara: Oh it's no big deal. It's just sort of our one month anniversary.

Joey: I know. Happy anniversary. (he pulls out a card)

Sara: Oh! (they exchange cards)

Joey: Oh, my God! You got the card with the baby in the sunglasses too?

Sara: Yeah, from the liquor store down on the corner?

Joey: Uh huh, yeah. It was either this or that weird Garfield condolence card.

Sara: I know! I love this. We both cared enough to remember the day, but we're both too lazy to buy a thoughtful present.

Joey: (reading card) "To the sweetest guy I know. You're so special to me, and I'm so happy I have you in my life." Aww...

Sara: (reading card) "You're hot."

Joey: I mean that. (he and Sara kiss)

Sara: I gotta get to work.

Joey: Oh, what you doing today?

Sara: Some more head shots.

Joey: Oh, I'm sorry. I know you hate doing those.

Sara: It's just the only work I've been getting since I've moved here, you know? Except for this Spanish-language milk ad, which is the most pornographic work I've ever done. (she hands Joey the ad)

Joey: Wow, she really likes milk.

Sara: It's so frustrating.

Joey: I'll tell you what. If you're this unhappy, maybe I can talk to my agent and see if we can find you some better work.

Sara: Really? You'd do that?

Joey: Hey, you're my girl. (he and Sara kiss)

Sara: Thank you. That'd be great. By the way, I think you're hot, too.

Joey: Could have said it in the card, that's all I'm saying.

[Scene: Joey and Michael's. Joey is there as Gina enters]

Gina: Did Alex's boots stain your feet black?

Joey: Yeah, it's awesome. I don't have to wear dress socks anymore.

(Michael enters from hallway)

Michael: (on the phone) Okay, sweetie, I'll call you later. Okay, you hang up first though. No, you do it. No, you. Okay, on three. One, two, three. (he's silent) I didn't hang up either! (laughs) Hello? (he puts down phone and walks into the living room) Um, Mom, would it be okay if we celebrated Mother's Day at dinner instead of brunch?

Gina: Why?

Michael: Just 'cause uh, Lorraine invited me over for brunch with her family.

Gina: Why can't we all go to lunch together?

Michael: I don't know.

Joey: Actually, Michael, that might not be a bad idea. Introduce her to your mom now, while she still thinks everything you do is cute. Yeah, you do it later, it could be a real deal-breaker.

Gina: So true (she points to herself) Loose cannon.

Michael: Okay, fine, you're going to have to meet her eventually. Just promise me you'll be nice, polite and respectful.

Gina: How about I promise not to use the "F" word?

Joey: That's a good deal. I would take that deal.

[Scene: Bobbie's office. Joey enters]

Joey: Hey.

Bobbie: Joey. Aw, it's good to see you. I'm one day into my new life sobriety. And it feels great.

Joey: Hey, I need a favor.

Bobbie: Oh, the pressure! Oh! (takes our a flask and drinks)

Joey: Okay, listen, my girlfriend is an amazing photographer, and she's looking for more interesting work, and I thought maybe you'd know someone.

Bobbie: Oh, sure. My brother works at Newsweek. I'm sure he could fix her up with a job like that. (she snaps her fingers)

Joey: Okay. Bobbie, if you don't want to help me, fine, all right? But you don't have to be sarcastic.

Bobbie: I'm wasn't being sarcastic. This is how I talk. My brother works at Newsweek. I'll give him a call.

Joey: Okay, well, that'd be great. I mean, I really, really like this girl. We're having an amazing time together.

Bobbie: That's sounds great. The most important thing to me is that your personal life is going well.

Joey: Oh, thank you.

Bobbie: That time I was being sarcastic.

[Scene: Patio. Alex is there as Howard enters]

Howard: Hey, Alex. I heard about the divorce. I'm really sorry.

Alex: Oh. Thanks, Howard.

Howard: So, I was thinking since we're both single, maybe you and I could...

Alex: Oh God, is this my future?

Howard: That's not a "no"! Okay!

(Howard leaves as Gina steps outside of Joey and Michael's apartment)

Gina: Alex, come in here.

(Alex enters Joey and Michael's apartment)

Gina: I have got a tape that guaranteed to cheer you up.

Alex: Oh, what is it?

Gina: It's an after-school special starring Joey Tribbiani as a Russian exchange student having a hard time fitting in.

(Gina plays the tape)

Joey: (with a Russian accent on tape) Melissa, will you go to Prom with me?

Melissa: Sorry, Boris, but you just don't fit in.

(Gina laughs. Alex does not look enthused)

Gina: Wait, wait. It gets better. This is where his accent turns to French.

Joey: (with a French accent) Why are you so rude to me?

(Gina laughs hysterically while Alex shrugs)

Gina: Oh, come on.

Alex: I'm sorry. Maybe I'm a lost cause.

Gina: No, you're not. Okay, look, I have to go to brunch with Michael's girlfriend. When I get back, I promise I will find something to snap you out of this.

Alex: Michael's got a girlfriend?

Gina: Yeah. I'm meeting her for the first time.

Alex: He's starting a relationship? (crying) I'm going to die alone!

Gina: Hey, Howard likes you!

(Alex sobs)

[Scene: Lorraine's doorstep. Michael and Gina are there. Michael knocks on the door]

Gina: I'm so excited to meet Lorraine. She is real, right? We're not at some random person's house?

Michael: Yes, she's real.

(An attractive young woman opens the door)

Woman: Hey Michael.

Michael: Hi.

Woman: Come on in.

Gina: Hi.

Woman: Hi.

Gina: It's so nice to meet you, Lorraine. (she shakes her hand)

Woman: Oh, no, I'm not Lorraine. I'm Tanya.

Gina: Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know Lorraine had a sister.

Michael: No, no, no, Mom. Tanya's Lorraine's daughter.

(Gina has a shocked look on her face. An older woman enters the room)

Older woman: Hey, you.

Michael: Hi. (they kiss)

Older woman: Oh, hello. You must be Gina.

Gina: You must be kidding.

[Scene: Sara's apartment. Joey enters with a pizza]

Joey: Well, hello there, gorgeous.

Sara: Hi. I went to that Newsweek interview that your agent set me up with. Thank you so much.

Joey: Hey, come on. You're Joey Tribbiani's girlfriend. There are some perks. I can also get you Clipper tickets if you want, if you give me a couple months notice and don't care what team they're playing.

Sara: Joey, they offered me a job.

Joey: Oh, my God! That's so awesome. Hey, all right. (he hugs her and kisses her on the cheek) Might I suggest we celebrate with a game of hide and go seek? A hint: I will be on the bed and I will be naked. Good luck. (stands up)

Sara: Wait. (she pulls him back) The job's in Washington D.C. They want me to move in a week.

Joey: But, Sara...You're hot.

[Commercial break]

[Scene: Continued from Sara's apartment]

Joey: Washington D.C.? I can't believe this is happening now. We've been having such a good time.

Sara: I know, the timing's terrible. But it's just a huge opportunity. I mean, it'd be like if you got a change to work with...Who's your favorite actor?

Joey: Sir Anthony Hopkins. (Sara glares at him) The Rock. Wow.

Sara: Yeah. Things might be different if we were further along in our relationship but we don't know where this is going. Do we? Do you?

Joey: No, I don't. Look, I don't want to be the guy who stands in the way of your career.

Sara: So what are we going to do?

Joey: I guess you should take this job.

Sara: Yeah.

Joey: Yeah.

Sara: What do we do until I leave? I mean, the more time we spend together, the sadder it's going to get.

Joey: We could have a long drawn-out good-bye. Or we could do the smart thing and end it now. (He and Sara kiss)

Joey: Long drawn-out good-bye it is. (they fall onto the couch)

[Scene: Lorraine's house. Michael and Lorraine are sitting next to each other as Gina and Tanya look at them]

Tanya: I'm going to go get started on brunch. (stands up) Can I get you a coffee?

Gina: Yes, some vodka would be great.

Lorraine: You know, I love your purse. It's very hip. I could never pull something off like that. It's too young for me.

Gina: Worried about the purse, are you, Lorraine?

Michael: Mom.

Gina: I'm sorry. So, how did you two meet?

Lorraine: Well, I manage the bookstore at Cal Tech and I noticed Michael coming around a lot, even on Saturday nights. So I started to suspect that he was coming for something other than books. I was wrong.

Michael: But, a connection was made and here we are.

Lorraine: We have so much in common. I'm so very happy to have found Michael.

Gina: And I'm very happy for you. After all, all the best men of your generation were lost to war.

Michael: Okay. Uh, Mom.

Lorraine: No, Michael, it's all right, really. Gina, I know why my age might make you a feel uncomfortable, but Michael and I have a really nice time together. We go to museums and, we take nature walks.

Michael: We watch Cagney and Lacey reruns together.

Gina: How's that vodka coming, Tanya?

[Scene: Joey and Michael's apartment. Joey is on the phone]

Joey: Bobbie, you got my girlfriend a job in Washington D.C.? I can't believe you. What were you thinking?

[Cut to Bobbie in her office]

Bobbie: That's what you wanted. To get rid of her.

[Cut to Joey and Michael's apartment]

Joey: No! I don't want her to move. I really like her. I told you that.

[Cut to Bobbie]

Bobbie: I got o be honest. I probably only listen to half the things you say to me. Then I just say stuff to keep the conversation moving.

[Cut to Joey]

Joey: What? Are you serious?

[Cut to Bobbie]

Bobbie: That sounds great. Let's do it. (takes off headset)

[Joey and Michael's apartment. Joey hangs up the phone as Michael and Gina enter]

Michael: I can't believe you were so rude to Lorraine.

Gina: I thought I was very respectful.

Michael: You asked her if she was in the movie Cocoon.

Gina: You look me in the eye and tell me she doesn't look like Jessica Tandy.

Michael: She's 45, Mom! God.

Joey: She's old! That's what's wrong with her. Boy, I didn't see that one coming. You know, I slept with a woman twice my age once. She was one of my teachers. I got an "A" in that class. That's how they caught her.

Michael: I'm not sleeping with her. Besides, what does it matter how old Lorraine is? I like her.

Gina: What's the matter with women your own age?

Michael: They're so immature. They don't know what they want. They're always playing these games. You know, with Lorraine, I get to skip all that. She knows who she is, she doesn't have time for any of that nonsense.

Joey: That's because she's going to die soon.

[Scene: Joey's room. Joey is there as Gina and Alex enter]

Gina: Hey, Joey. I'm looking for something to cheer Alex up. Do you still have that singing plastic fish?

Joey: That was supposed to sing? It scared the hell out of me. I smashed it with a hammer.

Alex: I was really counting on that fish.

Gina: Oh, don't worry. Just go downstairs and check your e-mail. I sent you a video of a cat going to town on this dude's crotch.

Alex: Okay. (exits)

Gina: Hey, you okay? You've been up here all day.

Joey: Just bummed about Sara. I can't believe I'm losing her to a stupid magazine.

Gina: Joey, why don't you just ask Sara to stay?

Joey: I can't do that. We're not far enough into this thing.

Gina: Well, why don't you move the relationship forward?

Joey: Like how? Ask her to move in or something?

Gina: No, not that. That's too big. But have you told her you love her.

Joey: No. I mean, I've only said that to a woman once before, and it blew up in my face. We were living together, she was pregnant with my best friend's baby, and she ended up with him.

Gina: (she laughs) Yeah, that did blow up in your face. (she sees Joey glaring at her) Oh. Right. Joey, the only thing that matters is, do you love Sara?

Joey: I don't know. Maybe. I think so.

Gina: Boy, if it was me, I'd roll the dice and say it. If not, you're always going to wonder if saying it would have kept her here.

Joey: Maybe you're right. You know, I don't tell you this often, but it's really nice I can share my feelings with. It means a lot to me.

Gina: Oh. You can't tell Sara you love her, but this vagina monologue just pours of out you?

Joey: Good talk.

[Scene: Lorraine's doorstep. Michael knocks on her door. Lorraine opens it]

Lorraine: Michael, what are you doing here? Oh, I really wish you'd called.

Michael: Why? (chuckles) You got another man over here or something?

Lorraine: (she sighs and glances around) Michael...

Michael: What? You do? (Lorraine nods her head) We make out and then it's just onto the next young stud?[An older man enters the room]Man: Baby, the hot tub is cooling off.

Michael: Professor Brightwiser

Professor Brightwiser: Hello, Michael.

Michael: So, what? You think you can just move in on my girlfriend, huh?

Professor Brightwiser: This is uh, this is awkward. I hope this won't effect your decision to be my research assistant.

Michael: If by assistant you mean falsifying data to justify your half-baked theses, then sure, sign me up.

Lorraine: Michael, there's no need to attack anyone's data. (she turns to Professor Brightwiser) Spencer, can you give us a minute?

Professor Brightwiser: Of course. (exits)

Lorraine: Okay.

Michael: Lorraine, what's going on?

Lorraine: I guess I should have told you about Spencer, but I thought that you knew what you and I had, that it could never be that serious.

Michael: Why not?

Lorraine: Because I'm a lot older than you. I mean I'm older than your mother.

Michael: It's not your fault my mom was a slutty teen.

Lorraine: I'm sorry, Michael. I love being with you. But if you want a serious relationship, then you need to be with someone your own age. (Michael sighs) So, I'll see you at the bookstore.

Michael: I think I'll take my business elsewhere. (stands up)

Lorraine: We're having a sale on physics textbooks.

Michael: I'll see you Monday morning. (exits)

[Scene: Joey and Michael's apartment. Gina and Alex are there]

Gina: (grabs Alex’s hand) Okay, there's no way this is not going to make you laugh. (she leads her to the window) For the fifth day in a row, that angry squirrel has kept Howard from getting to his car. (they look out the window)(Howard yells)

Alex: Oh, Gina, I appreciate this, but you can't force me to be happy. When I'm ready to laugh again, I will.(Michael enters)

Michael: Well, Lorraine dumped me.

Gina: Oh, my God. What happened.

Michael: She's seeing another man.

Gina: Oh, honey. I know you thought if you dated someone who more mature you'd get to skip the hard parts, but you can't. Even with a woman who's 45.

Alex: You're dating a 45 year old woman?

Michael: I was, until she started seeing Professor Brightwiser.

Alex: Professor Brightwiser? (chuckles) How old is he?

Michael: I don't know, 67, 70. (sees Alex laugh) Yeah, you laugh, but Professor Brightwiser gets all the women. Ever since he got his hip replaced, he's been unstoppable.

Alex: (laughing harder) Oh, that's perfect. I'm not gonna die alone, I have you!

[Scene: Sara's apartment. She is packing pictures and sees the one she took of Joey. She puts it in a box as Joey knocks and enters]

Joey: Sara.

Sara: Hi.

Joey: Okay, look. I have something to tell you, and it's not the kind of thing that's easy for me to say, so...Here. (he grabs her hand and they sit on the couch) I know you want this job, and I don't know if this is going to change anything, but before you go, I want you to know that...I may be falling...No, I am...falling. I mean...I...

Sara: I love you, too.

Joey: You do?

Sara: Yeah.

Joey: Hey, that feels nice. (they laugh and kiss) So, this is so awesome. So you're going to stay? (they look at each other) You're not. Is it because I didn't actually say it? 'Cause I can get there, I swear.

Sara: Oh, God! God, this is so confusing. I mean, I-I love you. And you love me. And I want to stay with you but this job...God, it's just the kind of work that I've always wanted to do, you know? I mean...I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

Joey: Move in with me.

Sara: What?

Joey: Yeah, you want to know where this is going? This is where it's going--move in with me.

Sara: Joey, that's huge.

Joey: (meekly) Uh huh.


Voir la fiche épisode, le script V.O. et le script V.F.

[Scene: Joey and Michael's apartment. Michael and Gina there as Joey enters]

Gina: Hey. How'd it go with Sara? Did you tell her you love her.

Joey: Uh huh. Then I asked her to move in!

Gina: What?

Michael: What?

Joey: Surprised? Me too!

Michael: What about me? Just...if she moves in here, where am I going to go? I mean, I can't move back in with my mother.

Gina: That's true, he can't. I turned his room into a recording studio. (Joey and Michael look at her) I have dreams.

Joey: All right, well, look. We didn't talk about it but if worse comes to worse you can stay here with me and my live-in girlfriend in this apartment, that won't stop spinning.

Gina: You guys have only been going out a month, and you asked her to move in with you? That is a big decision. Seems a little fast to me.

Joey: Yeah? (points to Michael) You like thinking through life's big decisions, do ya?

Gina: You're actually going to go through with this?

Joey: Well, I want her to stay, and moving in was the only thing I could think of to get her to stay. And if I'm not totally comfortable with it yet, I'll... I'll... I'll fake it till I get there.

Gina: You really think you could pull that off?

Joey: Please, come on. I'm an actor.

(someone knocks on the door, Sara enters)

Sara: Hey.

Joey: Hey.

Sara: I was thinking about going shopping tomorrow. If we're going to live together, maybe we can get some new things. What do you think?

Joey: That sounds really nice--buying stuff together. It's like a whole new start. Love it. (they kiss and Sara leaves)

Gina: Wow, that's some good acting.

(Joey mumbles incoherently)

[Scene: Joey and Michael's apartment. Gina and Joey there as Alex enters.]

Alex: Hey guys.

Joey: Hey.

Gina: Hey.

Alex: Something kind of exciting happened yesterday. A guy at work asked me out.

Gina: Wow, that was quick.

Alex: I know. I just started telling people I was getting like, two days ago. And then this guy that I've never even talked to comes up to me...

Joey: Ah, the Office Joey.

Alex: What?

Joey: There's a group of men, of which I am a proud member, whose senses are so finely tuned that they can identify the need for rebound sex. And we provide that sex.

Alex: I don't think he's that kind of guy.

Joey: Oh, really? Did he offer to help you move furniture now that your husband's gone?

Alex: He did.

Joey: Well played, Office Joey.

Gina: So you going to go out with him?

Alex: I guess so, yeah. I'm going to go out on my first date.

Joey: Wow. That's a big step.

Alex: Yeah. Speaking of which, I heard about you and Sara.

Joey: I know, huh? It's a little fast but I'm really excited to take our relationship to the next level.

Gina: I didn't buy it that time.

Joey: Yeah, I may be losing it.

(Michael enters)

Michael: So, Seth and I were waiting in line for the opening of the new Star Wars movie, right? Seth got into a fight...lost our place.

Alex: That kid got into a fight?

Michael: Yeah. Another person in line was also dressed as Princess Leia, and he like, consider that his thing.

Joey: Look, Michael. If you want I could call my agent and see if she could get you into, like, an advanced screening.

Michael: Oh, my God. That would be incredible! I mean, I'd be the coolest guy in Cal Tech. Except for that guy who can throw a Frisbee.

Joey: I'll give Bobbie a call. (gets up and grabs phone)

Gina: Wait. I don't know. I don't like the way she looks at Michael. (takes phone)

Alex: How does she look at him?

Gina: The way I look at the guy who delivers Joey's water.

Alex: Gina, that guy is filthy.

Gina: I know!

Joey: (takes the phone from Gina and dials) Hey, Bobbie. You got a minute?

Bobbie: Oh, good. It's you. Great news. I got you the cover of Bride magazine. Joey: What? Why?

Bobbie: Is this not Tori Spelling?

Joey: No. It's Joey.

Bobbie: Oh, good. It's you. Listen. They want you to go into work today to shoot a promo for the season finale of Deep Powder.

Joey: Today? Why didn't you tell me sooner.

Bobbie: I've been busy. Some crazy people at work think I have a drinking problem. I can't go to the bathroom without them staging an intervention. And it's killing me, 'cause that's where I do most of my drinking.

Joey: Well, look, anyway, the reason I'm calling is because I need a favor for my nephew.

Bobbie: Really? Well, put him on.

Joey: (handing Michael the phone) She wants to talk to you.

Michael: He...hello.

Bobbie: Hello, Michael. Ah...Is it time?

Michael: No. I'm just actually calling to see if you can get my friend Seth and I tickets to a Star Wars screening.

Bobbie: Done. But in return, I would like pictures of you doing the following things:

Michael: Uh-huh. (pause) Uh-huh. (pause) Okay. (hangs up phone) This better be one hell of a movie.

[Scene: Joey and Sara are shopping in a store]

Sara: Okay, I think we can get some new kitchen utensils, a new bath mat...

Joey: No, no. That's small stuff. We need sheets, towels, comforters, matching robes, some of those really nice wooden hangers. Oh, hold on a second. I saw something back there that would be great for us. (Joey walks to a different aisle and starts to hyperventilate, then grabs something random off the shelf and walks back) Got it.

Sara: Joey, this is a baby monitor. I don't think we're ready for that.

Joey: But someday soon, huh? (returns baby monitor back to the shelf and hyperventilates some more, then walks back)

Sara: You okay?

Joey: Yeah. It's just a little hot in here is all. (picks up a cloth and wipes his neck off, then throws it in the cart) I guess we're buying that.

(another couple walks near them)

Girl: Oh, these would look so nice in the new place.

Sara: Oh, are you guys just moving in together, too?

Man: Yes, we are.

Sara: Aww...(walks away)

Man: (whispering to Joey) Get out while you can!

(they walk away)

(store employee walks up to Sara)

Employee: Can I help you?

Sara: Oh, yeah. We're, um, we're looking for some new towels. We're moving in together.

Joey: And I'm excited!

Employee: (picks up towels) I'd go with these. They're not cheap, but they'll last you guys forever.

Joey: Forever? Well, that's a long time.

Employee: You're really going to love them.

Joey: I didn't say I didn't love them. I love them, that's huge!

Sara: Okay, what's going on? Are you having second thoughts about all of this?

Joey: No! No. It's the towels! I'm freaking out about living with these towels. Ew. Yech!

Sara: You're not talking about the towels are you? I knew this was too fast. Oh, God! Oh, God! (starts to hyperventilate)

(the couple walks by them again)

Man: (whispers to Joey) She's not looking. Run!

(Joey walks over to Sara and holds her)

[Scene: Sara's apartment. Joey and Sara enter]

Sara: How you doing? Feeling any better?

Joey: I'm great. Nothing cures a panic attack like a seventy five mile-per-hour drive home. I didn't know you were freaking about moving in.

Sara: I wasn't freaking out until you were freaking out. What happened? You seemed so sure about it.

Joey: I was acting!

Sara: Wow. You're good.

Joey: I know! Why do I keep getting jeers in TV Guide?!

Sara: It's just so fast! I've never moved in with anyone before. The longest I've ever dated anyone was six weeks!

Joey: What? You don't know about relationships either? Well what the hell are we doing here? Who's flying this plane?!

Sara: I was willing to take a chance to do this, but it scares me that you're so unsure. One of us has to be certain.

Joey: I pick you. I'm sorry. It's just...It is...It's just so scary.

Sara: I know. Maybe we shouldn't do this. I could probably get my job back in D.C.

Joey: No, I don't want you to go. Sara, I love you. I do. I love you. And I will stop freaking out. I promise.

Sara: Okay. Then so will I.

Joey: Okay. (they kiss)

Sara: You know, that's the first time you actually said "I love you" to me?

Joey: I did?! (Sara looks at him) Eh? Take that, TV Guide.

[Scene: Deep Powder set. Joey enters and sees Bodie]

Joey: Hey, Bodie. What's up?

Bodie: Dude! I don't know what's going on, but all these extras keep on hitting on me.

Joey: Oh. I'm in a committed relationship now, so I've been referring them to you.

Bodie: Oh, dude! (they shake hands)

Director: Okay, guys. Let's get started

Joey: Well, I haven't seen the script for the promo yet.

Director: Oh, don't worry about it. The whole thing is on cue cards. It's really simple.

Joey: Oh. (him and Bodie walk onto the set) Oh, great. Gunnar, you're in this thing, too?

Gunnar: That's right. You ready for me to put the "pro" in "promo"?

Joey: (turning to Bodie) How does he come up with that stuff?

Director: Okay, guys. A couple of takes, then you'll be out of here. Let's roll it.

Set guy: Deep Powder promo, take one.

Director: And...action!

Gunnar: Hey, America. I hope you enjoyed tonight's exciting Deep Powder finale.

Bodie: Yeah. Now you can shred on over to

Joey: Where, for the next three hours, you can vote for which one of us gets killed off at the beginning of next season. Wait. What?! Did you guys know about this?

Bodie: Yeah. Isn't it a cool contest?

Joey: No! They're going to kill one of us. Why aren't you guys upset?

Gunnar: I'm so much bigger than this crappy show.

Bodie: And I'm just really high right now, so...

[Scene: The movie theater. A man leads Michael to his seat and he sits down]

Michael: Whew! Hi. I'm Michael. (to the man next to him)

Man: Hello, Michael. Alan...

Michael: Banderwald. I know who you are. You were assistant editor on Episode II. (Alan sighs) Uncomfortable, huh? Yeah, I do that to people.

(the movie starts, and Michael calls someone on his cell phone.)

Michael: Seth, where the hell are you? The movie's about to start, and I'm sitting next to Alan Banderwald! What do you mean, you never got your ticket?! Then who has it? (Bobbie sits down next to him)

Bobbie: Surprise!

[Scene: Joey and Michael's apartment. Gina is there. Joey enters]

Joey: They're going to kill me at work!

Gina: Is it 'cause of that chair I stole?

Joey: What?

Gina: I guess not. What are you talking about?

Joey: There's gonna be an Internet vote to see if they're gonna kill me or Gunnar or Bodie.

Gina: Oh, no. They can't kill Bodie.

(Alex enters from back door)

Alex: Hey, guys. I just wanted you to check my outfit before my date.

Gina: Wow, Alex. You look great!

Alex: Really?

Joey: Yeah. Office Joey's gonna be bragging to Office Michael tomorrow.

Alex: I haven't been on a date in, like, ten years? Have the rules changed? What's expected of me?

Joey: What do you mean?

Alex: Well, I mean, like, do I have to have sex at the end of the night?

Joey: Oh, Alex. Of course not. You can have it at the beginning.

Gina: Don't listen to him. Just do whatever you want. Just have fun.

Alex: All right, I'm doing this. Tonight, I officially start moving on. I'm gonna get wild. I'm gonna stay out late. I'm gonna put perfume right there. (points to breasts, clicks tongue, then exits)

Gina: I'm gonna say it. I'm a little turned on right now.

Joey: All right. I'm going to go check in with Sara. I, uh... I got her a little present to show her I'm excited about moving in. (grabs some towels off the counter)

Gina: Oh, I see what you're doing. Got a little piece of jewelry hidden in there.

Joey: No, no. The towels are the gift. It's a symbol.

Gina: Of your cheapness?

(Joey exits and Howard enters.)

Howard: Hey, Joey.

Joey: Oh, hey, Howard.

Howard: I just heard about the Deep Powder online voting thing, and I want you to know that I'm gonna vote as many times as it takes to save you.

Joey: That's really nice, but you're just one person. It's not going to make a difference.

Howard: How do you think Win A Date With Tad Hamilton won the People's Choice Awards for best picture?

Joey: You did that?

Howard: Yeah. I used up all my vacation days, but it got done.

Joey: Well, thanks, Howard. You're okay.

Howard: You're my best friend too!

Joey: Okay. (turns around and enters Sara's apartment) Sara? (her apartment is empty. Joey walks over to the fireplace mantel and reads a note. He exits)

[Scene: Joey and Michael's. Gina and Joey are there]

Gina: (reading from note) "Joey, I love you, but we're not ready for this. And you're such a good guy you would've done it anyway. I'm sorry, but I thought if I saw you, I'd change my mind. Sara" Oh, no, this is so sad. It's like on Deep Powder when Bodie's girlfriend left his...

Joey: Enough about Bodie! I can't believe she left without saying good-bye. I blew it, Gina!

Gina: Oh... you didn't blow it. You can't help it if you're not ready.

Joey: Stupid Newsweek. Time Magazine, you just got a new subscriber!

Gina: Really?

Joey: Well, I'll pick up one copy.

Gina: Oh, honey. I'm so sorry. Can I get you a drink?

Joey: Yeah, sure.

Gina: (looking in cabinet) Jeez, there's no alcohol. What happened here?

Joey: You had a Cinco de Mayo party for one.

Gina: Ah, si.

(Michael enters)

Gina: Hey, I thought you were at Star Wars. You didn't stay till the end? (Michael shakes his head no)

Joey: Did Bobbie show up? (Michael shakes his head yes)

Gina: Okay. She cannot do this to my son. I am going to track her down and give her a piece of my mind.

Joey: Whoa, whoa, Gina, you're going to embarrass Michael. He doesn't want you fighting his battles for him.

Michael: Check her office. I think she's in her office.

[Scene: Joey is sitting outside. Alex walks out her door]

Alex: Oh, good. I've got a big problem. I invited Peter over and now he's in my bathtub naked.

Joey: Wow, that was fast. I could learn a thing or two from Office Joey.

Alex: No, this is all my fault. I think I may have led him on a little bit.

Joey: Alex, don't blame yourself.

Alex: I told him to take off all his clothes, get into my bathtub, and wait for a long night of passionate lovemaking.

Joey: You may share some of the blame.

Alex: Yeah, I know, but I was just so excited about moving on. And I wasn't really into it tonight, but I just thought if I kept pushing forward, I would get into it.

Joey: You want me to get rid of him.

Alex: Oh, that would be great. But we have to do it fast. Right now I'm supposed to be changing into this. (holds up a pair of underwear) It cost me three hundred dollars and I don't even know which side is the front!

Joey: Okay, okay, okay. I'll take care of this.

Alex: Wait... what are you going to do?

Joey: I know how he thinks, okay? Look, any guy who offers sex to women on the rebound, lives in constant fear of the returning husband.

(enters Alex's apartment)

Joey: (yelling) Honey, I'm back, and I want to make this marriage work. (to Alex) I think I heard him go out the window. I bet we can see him run down the hill.

Alex: Okay. (She and Joey walk to the edge of the patio)

Joey: Well, he's gonna have to drop that towel if he wants to pick up any speed. There he goes!

Alex: Thanks, Joey.

Joey: No problem.

Alex: Can I come over for a little bit? My apartment smells of bath oil and shame.

Joey: Sure. (they enter Joey and Michael's apartment)

Alex: I was really looking forward to tonight. I just... I can't believe it ended so badly. I thought I could just jump right into this dating thing, but I am way too weird for this.

Joey: Hey, Alex... you'll be fine.

Alex: Yeah, that's easy for you to say. You and Sara are all happy. You're going to move in together.

Joey: Sara's gone.

Alex: What?

Joey: She moved to Washington. We're... over.

Alex: (starting to cry) No! That's just so...

Joey: No, no, no, no! I'm in a very delicate place right now. No being sad, okay? I need you to say something to cheer me up.

Alex: Okay. Remember that video of a monkey riding a dog? (Joey starts to smile)

Joey: That worked. Thanks.

Alex: Is there anything I can do?

Joey: Well, I wanted a drink, but I don't have any booze. Oh, I just realized I've got stuff to drink in my room.

Alex: Oh, why?

Joey: (walking towards the stairs) Oh, I got it set up so if there's anything a lady might require, you know, drinks, extra toothbrush, selections from Oprah's book club...

Alex: Do you have Waiting to Exhale?

Joey: Do I have Waiting to Exhale? Get up there! (they walk upstairs)

[Scene: Bobbie's office]

Bobbie: (on phone) Yeah, you were right. Yes, that intervention was a real eye-opener. Yeah, I'm calling from the rehab right now. Mm-hmm. Yeah, I'll see you in 28 days. (she hangs up the phone) Sucka! (takes out flask and drinks)

Gina: (enters) Okay, lady. We need to talk.

Bobbie: Excuse me?

Gina: I have sat along long enough, hearing about how you've pawed and threatened my boy. It ends now.

Bobbie: You are way off-base. First of all, I'm a respectable woman, and I would never be sexually aggressive with a young man. And second, which one's mother are you?

Gina: Michael's.

Bobbie: Oh, he's the best one.

Gina: Look, I know you're a big shot, and you probably think I should be afraid of you, but if you ever bother him again, I cannot be responsible for what happens to you. (Bobbie mimics Gina and makes high pitched yapping noises) I'm not kidding around.

Bobbie: Listen...

Gina: No, you listen! This is not open for debate. You got that, you crazy-eyed, lunatic-pervert-witch?! Huh? You bother him again, I'll send you back to whatever fairy tale you escaped from.

Bobbie: No one talks to me like that! (she looks Gina up and down) Would you like a job?

[Scene: Joey's bedroom. Alex is sitting on Joey’s bed as he fixes himself and Alex a drink]

Joey: Another round?

Alex: Thanks.

Joey: I would like to propose a toast to you, a bright spot in an otherwise terrible day.

Alex: Oh...And I would like to toast to you, for letting me take this necklace out of your lost-and-found. (they drink a shot)

Alex: This is fun.

Joey: Yeah, it really is.

Alex: I'm sad.

Joey: Yeah, me too. (sits down on bed with Alex)

Alex: I don't know what the hell I'm doing. I don't know how to be single.

Joey: I don't know how to be not single.

Alex: On Monday I have to give a coworker his pants back

Joey: I’ll take that over what happened to me--my girlfriend left me without saying goodbye. Alex: I’m getting divorced.

Joey: I’m never gonna have an adult relationship.

Alex: I haven’t had sex in three months.

Joey: (pause) I got nothing that'll top that.

Alex: God, this sucks I hate feeling this way.

Joey: Me too, me too. Next time I am with someone, I am going to take it real slow

Alex: Yeah, and I’m not gonna be with anyone for a while. (he pats her leg) Yeah.

(they look at each other and Alex kisses him)

Joey: What’d you...what’d you do that for?

Alex: I don’t know.

(they look at each other and then kiss again, fade to black)

[Scene: Outside. Howard is on his laptop]

Michael: Hey Howard, how’s the online voting coming?

Howard: Really good. The polls close in an hour and I’ve made sure there’s no way Joey’s gonna die.

Michael: Good work, Howard (looks at screen) Howard, what are you doing?!

Howard: I'm voting for Joey. Joey Tribbiani, submit. Joey Tribbiani, submit.

Michael: Howard, the question is which Deep Powder actor do you think should be killed off.

Howard: Joey Tribbiani, submit.

Michael: Howard! You're going to get Joey fired! How many times did you vote?

Howard: Seven-thousand six-hundred thirty-two times. I have to undo this! Gunnar, submit. Gunnar, submit. Gunnar, submit. Gunnar, submit. Gunnar, submit. Ow! Gunnar, submit. Gunnar, submit. Gunnar, submit!


Voir la fiche épisode, le script V.O. et le script V.F.

[Scene: Joey is driving in the car and is on his headset talking to Bobbie]

Joey: Hey Bobbie, I just finished reading the script.

Bobbie: Thank god, oh I told them you could read but I wasn’t sure.

Joey: I had no idea how big my part was, I’m the hero! In the final scene I shoot down a helicopter in a tunnel. It’s crazy; this movie has like an 80million dollar budget. The last movie I was on, they made me bring my own toilet paper.

Bobbie: Yeah well I got your first cheque today and it’s more money than you ever made so you got to be careful with it.

Joey: Oh you’re telling me; a couple of days I was close to having nothing. I am going to invest responsibly. I’m not about to… (he looks at something at the side of the road) …they sell those?!

[Scene cuts to Joey leaving a store in a big lorry]

Joey: Hey sorry about that Bobbie, I had to eh…(he sees something else) …custom fish tanks!?

[Opening Credits]

[Scene: The set. Joey is entering]

[Woman walks up to Joey]

Woman: Hi Joey, I’m Chris, the assistant director. Welcome to the first day of shooting. Your trailer is almost ready. Per your request we have “pimped” it out in order to attract “hot tail”.

Joey: When I left that message I was not aware that you were a woman.

Chris: Not a problem, They’re putting in a plasma TV, your personal masseuse will be here at 3, we’ve got a Denver omelete on the way for you for breakfast.

Joey: That’s my favorite breakfast, how did you know?

Chris: We called the head, spoke to your management. We know all your favourite things.

Joey: Does the personal masseuse know all my favourite things too?

Chris: He does not. [She leaves]

[Zach walks up to him with a plate in his hand]

Zach: Denver omelete Mr. Tribianni.

Joey: Zach? What the hell are you doing here?

Zach: I said I was friends with the star and they gave me a job. I’m working in crafts services, hey look, I’m starting off small but who knows where this may lead.

Joey: You ate half of this.

Zach: Yeah, this is your favourite but this tastes horrible!

[An older looking man walks onto the set and up to Joey]

Man: Joey Tribbiani? [Shakes his hand] Benjamin Lockwood.

Joey: Wow, I know you. I saw you do Shakespeare on Broadway when I was a kid.

Benjamin: Oh, 12th night?

Joey: Well I don’t remember the date, no. So, you’re in this? Your movies get all these great reviews and awards. I am in a movie worthy of Benjamin Lockwood.

Benjamin: No, you’re in a movie that will allow Benjamin Lockwood to pay off his gambling debts and get his Oscar out of a Pun shop in Recito.

Joey: So what part are you playing?

Benjamin: Em, Agent Wilson.

Joey: Wow, that’s a great part for you.

Benjamin: Wow… hoo… groundbreaking. Yes. The FBI pulls me in for one more assignment and I get to say no less than 7 times. “I’m getting too old for this crap”

Joey: Wow, I think someone’s gonna have another Oscar to pawn pretty soon.

Chris: Ok, we’re gonna start the table read. Kenny’s just showing up now.

Zach: Who?

Joey: Kenny plays the kid that Benjamin and I protect in the movie.

Zach: Yeah, well bad form showing up late on the first day.

Joey: Yeah. [Walks over to Kenny] Hey little guy, I’m Joey and I’m, well I’m the star of this movie. Now you were a little late today and you know what happens to boys who are late don’t cha? [Joey “takes” Kenny’s nose] They get their noses taken away so…

Kenny: Oh no you did not just touch me!

Joey: Ok Kenny, let’s watch the attitude alright? [Joey sits at the head of the table] Now the star sets the tone on the…

Kenny: Hey get out of my chair chump.

Joey: Ok actually this is my chair. [To Chris] Can you believe this kid?

Chris: Kenny wants the chair, get out of the chair.

Joey: But I’m the star…

Kenny: No I’m the star here, my last movie “The little Miss President” just opened at 40million dollars so GET OUT OF MY CHAIR.

[Joey looks at Chris]

Chris: For the love of god, get out of his chair.

Joey: OK!

[Everyone sits down]

Kenny: (To Joey) Give me my nose back!

[Time lapse]

[Scene: Joey and Michael’s apartment. Gina, Joey and Zach are talking]

Gina: So the little guy kicked you out of your chair?

Joey: Yeah, not only that but he took my parking spot and he cut in front of me in the food line.

Zach: And he called you a Doody head in front of everyone!

Joey: See what I’m dealing with? First of all,it’s totally unprofessional and second of all, it’s not true.

[Alex comes in]

Alex: Hey Gina? [She sees Joey] Oh hi Joey.

Joey: Oh hey Alex, I haven’t seen you since our night on the roof-top.

Alex: Oh yeah well I’m not avoiding you because you like were so romantic I couldn’t handle it, get over yourself !

Zach: So that’s your pretend date on the roof-top eh?

Alex: Oh you’re telling people? Oh that’s fun, I told my therapist. We were laughing so hard about it he had to cancel his next appointment because I wouldn’t leave his office!

Gina: Ok guys, can you give me and Alex a second?

Joey: Yeah sure I need to show Zach my truck. He know’s a tailor who can make me a leather suit in the exact same colour.

Zach: Well I’m just saying, the Oscars are coming up and you don’t wanna look like a jackass.

Gina: (To Alex) So hey, what was that between you and Joey?

Alex: Something weird happened with us the other night. We were having this fake romantic thing and it took a turn and got real for me and… I kinda have feelings for him.

Gina: Oh no Alex you are not falling for Joey.

Alex: I know it’s a bad idea and he’s totally not my type!

Gina: You’re not his type!

Alex: What’s his type?

Gina: Women he hasn’t slept with yet!

Alex: Uhh… I mean Joey? What am I supposed to do?

Gina: Well the easiest way to forget about a guy is to find another one. I know lots of guys. [Pulls out a rather large ‘Black Book’] What’s your type?

Alex: Well I like someone who is smart.

Gina: (Closing the book) Never mind.

[Michael and Howard come in]

Michael: Hey guys! What are you up to?

Gina: Oh we are just trying to find someone to set Alex up with.

Michael: Oh really? What kind of guy do you like?

Alex: Well I’d say someone around my age, blond hair, blue eyes, creative ,smart.

Michael: I feel like a now someone who’d be perfect. Live in the building, was in an orchestra.

Alex: That’s my ex-husband!

Michael: So no?

Howard: If you are willing to bend on the blond thing I would eh… I’d throw my hat in the ring. I may be a simple man but I know what love is.

[Time lapse]

[Scene: The set. Joey is standing at a buffet table getting a drink]

Benjamin: Joey

Joey: Oh hey, Mr. Lockwood. Ready to go?

Benjamin: Oh I’m ready to work but our star Kenny is in his trailer with his management debating whether or not to make No.1 before coming to the set.

Joey: I am getting sick of waiting around for this kid.

Benjamin: You’re telling me. I am a serious actor, this little punk thinks that he can…oh there he is! [points to Kenny who has finally appeared on set] Our star, Prince Kenny, the Big K. [Does a little handshake with Kenny] Listen, I was just listening to your rap album. Marvelous. Parents do be illin.

Kenny: That’s very nice Lockman.

Benjamin: It’s Lockwood but actually even here if you get the Lock part right it’s a thrill I won’t soon forget.

Kenny: Give me a piggy back ride.

Benjamin: Hop aboard my prince!

Kenny: Giddy up!

[Benjamin makes horse noises and leaves the set]

Joey: (To Zach) What the hell was that?

Zach: That’s someone who has been in this business a long time doing what it takes to get ahead. You got to do it like him. You have to cosy up to the star! No matter what level you’re on.

Joey: No, no. I’m not getting sucked into the politics ok? I’m about the work and we’re about to do the big hero scene and at the end of the day that’s who people will remember.

Zach: Yeah! Be your own man. Now if you excuse me, I have to buy a shirt identical to Kenny’s so I can start a conversation with him.

[Benjamin and Kenny come back in]

Kenny: That was fun for you, so give me $5.

[Benjamin gives him the money]

Benjamin: Oh! What a bargain.

Director: All right everybody, Joey’s here. So let’s run the scene were Baxter, Wilson and Ron get chased by the helicopter through the tunnel.

Co-Director: The three of you have just run into the tunnel…

Director: ACTION!

[Benjamin and Joey both carry Kenny “Out to safety”]

Kenny: I can’t believe we made it out of there alive!

Benjamin: I’m getting to old for this crap!

Kenny: Wait a minute, what’s that sound?

Benjamin: It’s the damn chopper!

Joey: Now I’m pissed, let a patchy helicopter mess with the wrong cowboy…

Director: and CUT!

Joey: How was that? How was that look of determination, movie poster right?

Director: Absolutely! I loved it.

Kenny: You know what? I was talking to Lockwood before and I don’t think Joey should be the hero. I think Lockwood should be the hero.

Director: Great idea!

Joey: What?

Co-Director: New pages! Lockwood’s the hero

Benjamin: Oh wait, excuse me. I’m sorry. Policemen, Fireman, our men in uniforms. Those are the real hero’s . Ah what the hell, I’ll give it a whirl!

Joey: (To Director) Ok, hold on. He can’t be the hero. It’s in the script!

Director: Look, the studio wants to keep the kid happy. He get’s whatever he wants.

Joey: (To Benjamin) Hey, What’s going on? You said you didn’t even care about this movie. Why would you try to steal my stuff?

Benjamin: I get paid by the day, the more lines I have the more days I work the sooner I can get my oscar outta hock. And my toni and my Latin grammy! I am huge in Argentina.

Joey: I don’t care what you want the money for just stop messing with me!

Benjamin: Listen! You’re in way over your head buddy!

Joey: Don’t quote shakesphere to me!

[Time lapse]

[Scene: Alex’s office. The phone is ringing]

Alex: Hello, Alex Garret.

[Gina is on the other line]

Gina: I think I may have found you a guy to help you get over Joey! Yeah, is height important to you?

Alex: I don’t know, how tall is he?

Gina: Um… about 4 foot…

Alex: You need to keep looking!

Gina: But you have such a narrow taste. Where am I gonna find guys that have such a specific type?

Bobbie: Gina?

Gina: Please hold

Bobbie: They’re doing a history of Motown movie so pull the headshots of all the black women that we represent between the ages of 50 and 60 who have singing experience.

Gina: Wait, can I do that with all the blonde hair, blue eyed guys in their twenty’s and thirties that went to college?

Bobbie: Hmm… A blonde man as Aretha Franklin. I like it!

[Time lapse]

[Scene: Joey and Michael’s apartment. Joey and Zach are there]

Gina: Hey.

Joey: You’re not going to believe this. That kid took away my scene! I’m not the hero in the movie anymore!

Gina: Aw that’s too bad Joey. Even if you are not a hero in the movie you will always be a hero to me and Mich…[starts to laugh] Oh I’m sorry, I thought I could get through it.

Joey: I don’t believe this, I’m losing lines. Lockwood’s sabotaging me, I’m in big trouble!

Michael: It’s just like when I was in the science fair in Junior High, this other kid totally like bought gifts for the judges and vandalized my entry.

Joey: Oh yeah? Well what did you do?

Michael: I confronted her and then she beat the crap out of me.

Joey: You know what? Zach was right. I’ve got to suck up to the star, that’s the only chance I have of getting my scene back. I’m going to compliment him and I’m gonna laugh at everything he says.

Gina: Joey, he’s a little kid, sounds to me that he doesn’t need his butt kicked. He needs someone to give him a good spanking.

Joey: Gina, I’m not going to spank the kid.

Gina: Why not? Mom used to spank us all the time, we turned out great!

Michael: Oh really? Who’s my dad?

Gina: I’m working on it!

[Time lapse]

[Scene: Gina’s office. Alex enters]

Alex: Hey, alright so where is this guy you want me to meet?

Gina: Actually it’s a whole group of guys. I found a bunch of actors who fit your type so I set up an audition for a fake movie. I even wrote a script! [She hands Alex the script]

Alex: (Reading the title) “Alex’s song, the sexual awakening of a middle-aged divorcée” This is crazy! What kind of actors are going to show up for this?

Gina: Are you kidding me? Actors will audition for anything! I had to turn down Kevin Bacon.

Alex: Why, I love Kevin Bacon!

Gina: No. He wanted to direct and this film’s my vision.

Bobbie: Oh, Kevin Bacon. Aw I love this game, lets see how many steps it takes to connect him to me. We did it on a boat. One! [She leaves]

Gina: Well, let’s go check these guys out!

Alex: I’m a little nervous about this.

Gina: You’re gonna do great!

[Alex opens the door to find a lot of guys, she closes the door quickly again]

Alex: Oh my god, there’s so many of them! How do I know who to pick? I don’t know anything about them, they could be married or gay!

Gina: Ok, relax. I will help you.

[Gina and Alex enter the room]

Gina: Ok everybody listen up. You guys have been very patient and we appreciate it. Now I don’t want to offend anyone but will all the gays get up against the wall.

Guy No.1: I had an experience in College.

Gina: Wall!

[Time lapse]

[Cut to the set, Chris (producer) is scrubbing the floor. Joey enters]

Joey: Hey, what happened here?

Chris: Kenny threw a tantrum because the macaroni and cheese wasn’t cheesy enough.

Joey: I do not approve of what he did but he’s not wrong.

Chris: Someone should put that kid in his place.

[Benjamin and Kenny are laughing]

Joey: (To self) Man look at Lockwood over there sucking up. I have got to get in on that

Benjamin: You’re telling me that your dog vomited, ate his vomit and vomited again?

[Kenny laughs loudly]

Kenny: Yeah, it’s my favorite story.

Benjamin: And now it’s mine too.

[Joey walks over to them]

Kenny: But then Fluffy got cancer and two months later we had to put him to sleep.

[Joey shrieks loudly]

Kenny: Hey! You think it’s funny my dog died?

[Joey is speechless so he continues to laugh]

Joey: Oh don’t look at me that way, we’re buddies!

Kenny: Are you kissing my butt?

Joey: Yes! Can I have my scene back please?

Kenny: No, because I don’t like you and I don’t think you should land the plane either.

Co-Director: New pages, Lockwood’s landing the plane.

Joey: No! I love that scene!

Lockwood: Well then, treat it right. Let it be played by a real actor.

Joey: You know what I’m going to do? I’m gonna go to that polish shop, buy your oscar and I’m going to cut it in half! [To Kenny] Come on, you can’t just take away my scene!

Kenny: I can do whatever I want. [points to cameraman] You! Turn in your walkie, you’re fired!

Joey: No! This isn’t right, ok listen. The only reason you are acting like this is because no one told you you can’t.

Kenny: You know what else no one told me I couldn’t do?

Joey: What?

Kenny: Throw these pretzels at your big old head. [Starts throwing pretzels]

Joey: Don’t do that!

[Kenny continues to throw them]

Joey: I’m not kidding.

[He still continues]

Joey: Ok, that’s it. My sister was right. [He puts Kenny lying on his knees] You need discipline.

Kenny: Cut it out!

[Joey keeps hitting him]

Joey: I’m not landing the plane am I?

[Time lapse]

[Cut to the audition room where Gina and Alex are finding the perfect guy for Alex]

Gina: Ok let’s review. If you are against the wall you are either gay, married, wear tank tops

Alex: Oh I got one! Wasssa…

Guy No.2: Wassap?

Alex: Wall!

Gina: Now you’re down to your last two, who’s it going to be?

Alex: I don’t know. I’m not sure what else to ask them.

[Bobbie enters]

Bobbie: Gina, I’ve been looking all over for you… I gotta say, I was skeptical but we have got a lot of good Aretha Franklin’s!

Gina: Actually Bobbie, my friend Alex was desperate to meet a guy so I called in a bunch of clients and set up a fake audition.

Bobbie: Well for what it’s worth, I slept with the one in the red shirt.

Alex: Red shirt, wall! Actually just leave the room.

Bobbie: Curls are so soft… [She leaves]

Gina: (To Alex) Well we have our winner! Go ask him out.

Alex: No, no I told you. I’m bad at that part. Can’t you do it for me?

Gina: No Alex, this is as far as I’ll go for you. If you are going to get over Joey, you are going to have to step it up.

Alex: Alright, wish me luck. [She turns to the “winner”] Hi, listen, I have a confession to make. This isn’t a real audition; Alex’s song isn’t a real movie. My friend set this up so that I could find a date and I’d like to offer you the part!

Winner: This is kind of weird but you seem nice. I’d go out with you.

Alex: Really?

Winner: You know, I knew something was up when I read the pages of the script. [Reads] Should we go inside and do it Alex? I don’t know, I’m blonde and weird. Doesn’t mean you can’t do it. You’re right, let’s do it”

Gina: Hey, just because you can’t pull it off don’t knock the writing ok?

[Time lapse]

[Scene: The set, Joey is walking down a hallway]

Joey: Hey Lisa. [She ignores him] Hey Paul [He also ignores him]

Benjamin: Joey, very good career move back there. Spanking the star. Listen I think the director’s mother is coming to the set, maybe you should punch her in the face.

Joey: Very funny, very funny. At least I didn’t suck up to that kid. I may lose my job but I still have my dignity and I’ll work again.

Benjamin: Aw that’s the spirit. I’m sure our paths will cross. You know what I’ll tell you now what I’ll tell you then. I like all the dipping sauces with my nuggets.

[Joey goes out on to the set]

Joey: Kenny…

[Kenny is talking to Chris]

Kenny: Joey…

Joey: Ok, I think we should talk. I don’t blame you if you’re upset, I just think we should clear the air.

[Kenny walks right up to Joey]

Joey: Is he mad? I can’t see his face from here.

[Kenny gives Joey a hug]

Kenny: Thanks, I was out of line. You busted me on it. I was pretty bad.

Joey: Hey, no problem!

[Benjamin walks in wearing the exact same coat as Kenny]

Benjamin: Hey Kenny eh? I see smiles, why are there smiles?

Joey: Turns out the kid respected me for disciplining him.

Kenny: You know what? You’re a brave guy and it would make more sense if you land the plane.

Co-Director: New pages, Joey’s landing the plane.

Kenny: You should be the hero too.

Co-Director: New pages, Joey’s the…

Benjamin: (Yells) They know!

Joey: Thanks Kenny! You’re alright.

Kenny: You too Joe [He leaves]

Benjamin: Tribianni, I underestimated you. I didn’t think you were savvy enough to play the game, now it seems that you’ve taken the game to a whole new level.

Joey: That’s right Lockwood. It seems the student has become the pupil.

Benjamin: Maybe I’ll be Ok. [He leaves]

[Time lapse]

[Scene: Outside Joey and Michael’s house, Gina is sitting outside. Alex comes out]

Gina: Hey Sexy, How was your date?

Alex: Aw, it was so great. Thank you for finding this guy! He is so sweet and funny and I didn’t think about Joey once!

Gina: Aw, I’m so happy for you!

Alex: Thank you.

Gina: See I knew this would work. Now I’m working on the audition scene’s for mine!

Alex: Oh! [Reads the title] That’s disgusting!

Gina: Oh good. I didn’t think it was clear.

[Joey comes out]

Joey: Hey Gina, you want to… [Sees Alex] Hey, look at you Alex. Were you on a date?

Alex: Um, yeah actually!

Joey: Wow! Lucky guy. You look beautiful.

Alex: Oh really? Jeez Joey that is so sweet.

Gina: Alex?

Alex: Stay out of it!

Joey: Hey, you want to go grab dinner?

Gina: Oh no, now’s not a good time.

Alex: Oh, I’ll come! I’m starving!

Gina: (points to food wrapped in tin foil) Oh didn’t you just eat?

Alex: No this is my swan purse.

Joey: Alright, well lets go.

Alex: Ok!

Steve: Alex, the wine’s open. You coming back in?

Alex: Oh yeah, hey Steve! Come on! [They both leave]

Joey: Is she ok? Did she talk to you about anything?

Gina: Why?

Joey: I think she had meat in her purse!

[Time lapse]

[Scene: Outside the set. Joey catches Kenny before he leaves]

Joey: Hey Kenny! Wait up. Listen I just want to say thanks for being so cool and I got you a little gift. [He pulls out his keys]

Kenny: Your keys? You’re giving me your truck?

[He gets into the truck]

Joey: No, no! I was just going to give you this! [Pulls out a penknife]

[Kenny starts up the truck and leaves and Benjamin appears]

Benjamin: That’s priceless! He doesn’t see my car. Porsche on your left. Porsche on your left!

[Closing credits]

Transcribed by Kayla for Joey Café.

Voir la fiche épisode, le script V.O. et le script V.F.

[ Scene:  Movie Set ]

Director: OK, Joey you ready for your big stunt?

Joey: I’m ready! Syked!

Director ( doing the hand motions ): Let’s go over this one more time. Buddah is going to lunge you with a honey knife, you’re gonna doge to left, dodge is arm to right, punch him in the chin, flip him to the mark on the ground. Got all that?

Joey (syked) : Got it! Let’s do this!

(Make-up lady walks by, Joey then performs described action above on her)

Joey: Hey, you’re the makeup lady! Are we still on for tonight?

[ Opening Credits ]

[Scene: Joey’s Trailer – Joey – Eddie and Mike walk in]

Eddie: ( walking in and hands Joey a coffee ): Hey! Here you go buddy!

Joey: Hey! Thanks.

Zach ( turning towards Mike): Alright, ( high fives ) thanks for the ride, Mike.

Micael: Yeah.

Zach: Hey, Yo man, I’m gonna hang around here until they start serving breakfast.

Michael: I bought you breakfast on the way.

Zach: And I said thank you. Let it go!

Joey ( walking to the table and looks out the window ): Damnit. Here comes that script supervisor lady. She is constantly up my butt making sure ( mockingly ) I get every line perfect. I hate her. (sits down)

Zach: She is kind of funny though. I mean, she had this really good joke the other day. I don’t remember the details but it was something about you being stupid.

Joey (laughing): Yeah, that was pretty funny.

(Abby, the script supervisor walks in)

Abby: There you are. It’s time to play a little game called “ how many lines does Joey know.”

Joey: (standing up): You know what, why don’t you go bother someone else. I know the next scene word for word.

Abby: Really? Let’s here it. What’s your first line?

Joey: Okay fine. I..

Abby(correcting): We.

Joey:  Have..

Abby: (correcting) Had.

Joey: Someone..

Abby: (correcting) Something.

Joey: Something! We had something good. No, great. I mean..

Abby: Wonderful.

Joey: Wonderful. We had something wonderful until Valentines day. (Abby gives Joey and incredulous look ) Christmas? Easter? What is it?!

Abby (with no patience): We had something good until the day ( Joey joins in ) they kidnapped our son.

Joey: Yeah, I got it! I got it! Okay, so I forget a few words. Cut me some slack Ally.

Abby ( storming out ): ABBY!

Joey: (screaming): WHATEVER!

[ Cut to: Set. Joey’s stuntman, Zach walks up ]

Zach: Hey Joey! How’d you get here before me?

Chuck:  I’m not Joey. I’m Chuck. I’m his stuntman. (goes to shake Zach’s hand)

Zach (shakes his hand): Hey, I’m Zach. I’m handling craft services. Hey listen, whatever you do, stay away from the roast beef.

Chuck: Oh why? Is it bad?

Zach: No, I like it.

(Joey walks up)

Joey: Hey Zach. ( Looks at Chuck ) Hey, we’re waering the same..(realizes something) Did I get fired already?!

Chuck: No, no. Joey, I’m Chuck. I’m your stuntman.

Joey: Oh! Just so you know, I wanted to do my own stunts but I didn’t wanna ( pointing to face ) damage the merchandise.

Zach: No, no, no, no. It’s because you tried to beat up the make-up lady.

Joey: Trying to look cool in front my stuntman! Anyway, we have that big fight scene coming up later. Do you mind if I see how you take a punch?

Chuck: Yeah, sure.

Joey: Alright!

Zach: Hey, wait, wait, wait! I know what would be better. If he saw you would take a punch. That way, he can learn to react like you.

Joey: That sounds like a great idea! Alright, hit me Chuck. Lay one in there!

Chuck: Really? Okay! ( Punches Joey in the stomach )

Joey: (doubles over in pain. Screams out : OWWW!! You broke my tummy! (breaths in and slowly stands back up) You got that, tough guy?

Chuck: Hey huh, listen, Joey. Would it be cool if I shadowed you for a while? You know, get to learn your moves and your mannerisms?

Joey: Absolutely. You know, you should follow me around in my everyday life too. You know, see how I eat, how I walk, how I dance. (Starts dancing)

(Chuck starts dancing like Joey. Abby walks up and stares.)

Joey: If you’re waiting for an invitation, it’s not going to happen. ( Joey and Chuck keep dancing.)  (Sings): Cause we’re dancing! And we’re dancing. Oh yeah, oh yeah!

[ Cut to: Porch outside apartment. Joey and Alex are eating. Gina enters.]

Gina: Hey. Joey, Bobbie got a call today from US Magazine. They’re running a picture of you out on the town with a lady. They would like a quote about the nature of your relationship.

Joey: Sexual.

Alex: It seems like every magazine I pick up, there’s a picture of you with from floosie spilling out of her blouse.

Gina: Actually Alex, you’re wearing a blouse.

Alex ( jumps up and excitedly, high-pitched voice ): Oh! I’m the floosie?!

Gina: It’s a picture of you two outside the grocery store. Apparently, they think you’re a couple.

Alex (laughing nervously, high-pitched voice): Oh, hahahaaha! That is so funny that they think that ‘cause I’ve never thought about that. Not even one time.

Gina: So, like I said, they want a quote about the relationship.

Joey: Huh, I wonder what we should say.

Gina: Oh! How about, in keeping with the grocery theme, ‘He bagged her once’.

Alex: No, I do not want people reading that.

Joey: ( Standing up )Okay, well, what do you want it to say. I mean, I’m fine with anything. What do you want our relationship to be.

Alex (nervously): Um, I..I..I think I would have to think about that.

Joey: Okay fine. Think about it and tell Gina. Say whatever you want. It’s your 15 minutes of fame.

Alex: Okay.

Joey: (Sitting down) I wonder if they’ll call us Bennifer.

Alex: Why would they do that? Our names are Ben and Jennifer.

Joey (realizing): Oh! That’s what that means!

[Scene: Joey and Mike’s apartment. Mike walks in with a backpack on]

Joey: Hey. Where you goin?

Michael: I have a date. I’m going on a hike. In the canons. With a girl.

Joey: Oh yeah! Is it the big girl from Department 12?

Michael: It’s actually someone I met on your set today.

Joey: Alright, yeah! Is it the big girl from prop department?

Micheal ( defensive ) It’s not a big girl!

 ( Doorbell rings, Joey goes to answer it. It’s Abby. )

Abby: (Smugly) Hello Joey

Joey: You don’t have to bother me at home! I’ll have my lines memorized. ( Closes door ) Jeez.

Mike: What are you doing! That’s my date.

Joey: What? Ally?

Mike : Abby.

Joey: Don’t you start. (pushes him away from the door ) No,no,no! You can’t go out with her. She’s evil. How did this happen?!

Mike: I ran into her outside your trailer, we talked and I asked her out.

Joey: Do you see what she’s doing? Huh? It’s not enough to make me miserable at work. So, she meets my nephew, sees an opportunity to worm her way into my home and attack me by the insides!!

Mike: Or, she just thinks I’m cool.

Joey: Let’s not go out of your way to make up crazy explanations.

Mike: Oh, get out of the way! (Pushes Joey and goes to open the door).

 [Cut to: Gina in Joey’s kitchen. Alex walks in.]

Alex: Hey Gina. I’m freaking out about this US Magazine thing. Is Joey here?

Gina: No, he upstairs with his stuntman. They’ve been breaking bottles over each others heads all day.

Alex: I don’t know what to say about our relationship. If I say anything about romance, he’s going think I have feelings for him. But then again, if I say we’re just friends, we’re going to be permanently labeled as buddies and maybe I want him to think of us as something more than that. Maybe, maybe, I should just say ‘galpal’. Oh no, ‘kissy friend’?! Oh! “buddy date’?

Joey: ( screaming from other room ): Alex, is that you?!

( Alex screams and runs out )

Gina ( screaming to Joey ): No Joey, it’s just mean down here.

Joey: I’m coming down the stairs. Tell me if I look like me! ( screams. Chuck is rolling down the steps. Joey walks down after him ). Alright Chuck, get up. We still got some work to do. Here, sit down. When Joey falls, he doesn’t put his hands out; he lands on his head ( points to head ). Okay, with a solid (makes noise, shakes head) ga-gush!

Chuck: You can’t do that. You’ll bust your head open.

Joey: No, no, no, no! You’re protected by your brain.

Chuck: Okay, um, you want me to fall down the stairs again?

Joey: Is it okay that I’m having you do stunts after hours. I won’t want cross a line here.

Chuck: Joey, you’re the star of movie okay? I’m here to serve you. I’ll tell you if you cross a line.

Joey: Okay great. (points behind Chuck) Is that your thing over there?

Chuck: (turns around to look): What’s that? (Joey breaks a bottle over his head)

Joey: You didn’t see that one comin’ did ya?

Chuck: That was a good one! (shakes hands)

[Cut to: Mike and Abby in the apartment]

Michael: That restaurant was great. You know, we should get some of that kinoah and make some ourselves.

Abby: Aw, that’s so cute. It’s ‘kinwah’.

Michael: I love that you correct me. (goes to kiss her)

Joey (walking down the steps): Oh stop! If you kiss Abby, I’m going to vomit. Oh, hey Abby, I didn’t see you there.

Abby: Hey Joey. I’m surprised you’re not here with some skanky ex you manipulated into sleeping with you.

Joey: Well I’m not cause she left an hour ago.

Abby: I’m going to use your restroom.

Michael: (pointing) It’s to the left.

(Abby walks to the bathroom)

Michael: What are you doing?

Joey: Defending myself!

Michael: I really like Abby. I really like her. And I would appreciate if you would make an effort to be nice to her.

Joey: But Mike..!

Michael: (interrupting) Come on! This is important! I’m going to go over to Alex’s and see if she has any wine. Just talk to her for a minute okay? For me.

Joey: (sighing) Alright.

(Mike leaves. Abby comes back. They stand there looking uncomfortable.)

Joey: Alright look! We both care about Michael alright so, I guess we owe it to him to at least try and have a civilized conversation.

Abby: Fair enough.

Joey: What do you want to talk about?

Abby: Current Events?

Joey: No.

Abby: Art?

Joey: (makes a buzzing noise to mean ‘no’)

Abby: Poetry?

Joey: Ah, okay! I wrote a poem once. “There once was a man named ‘Blenis’ ”.

Abby: Oh dear god!!

Joey: Okay, uh, how do you like working on the movie?

Abby: It’s okay, you should try it sometime.

Joey: (mad) What is your problem with me?!

Abby: (mad)Basically, you are everything I hate. You’re lazy, entitled, mindless, and you just think you’re going to slide through life on your good looks and your charm.

Joey: Well, I think you’re an unhappy person whose only goal in life is to make everyone as miserable as her.

Abby: I think you meant to say ‘as miserable as ‘SHE’!

Joey: I think, I THINK, I meant to say ‘GET THE HELL OUT OF MY APARTMENT!’

(Abby storms out. Mike comes back in.)

Michael: Where’s Abby?

Joey: I threw her out.

Michael: What?!

Joey: I’m sorry, I threw ‘she’ out. (walks upstairs)

[Scene: Joey’s trailer. Zach is making coffee. Joey walks in.]

Zach: Mornin’ buddy!

Joey: Dude, are you living here?

Zach: No, just sleepin here. Havin’ a few meals, bringin’ by the occasional date. It’s not like I’m getting my mail here. Who do I talk to about gettin’ my mail here?

(Mike walks in)

Michael: So, I just talked to Abby. Why have you not apologized to her yet?

Joey: For the last time, I’m not apologizing. She stood in my home and insulted me. It would be like, if I brought home..who’s someone you hate?

Michael: Dorothy Wheelan, the Chairwoman of our Plyaat Mathematics Department.

Joey. Done. I will never date her. She’s not like super hott is she?

Michael: Joey, you don’t get it man. I..I met a girl who I like and she likes me. Like, that may happen to you all the time; it doesn’t happen to me. I don’t you to screw this up.

Joey: I cannot talk to that woman, alright! Now seriously, this Dorothy Wheelan, I can’t get her out of my mind.

(Mikes walks out mad. Sam, the director walks in. )

Joey: Hey Sam! Did I give you what you wanted in that scene yesterday?

Sam: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just came by to make sure if you were comfortable. Are you okay?

Joey: Yeah, it’s complicated. I’m having a problem with the script supervisor. It’s a personality thing.

Sam: Don’t worry about it for one second. You’re one of the star of this movie. I’ll talk them.

Zach: And who do I talk to about getting Cinemax in here?!

[Cut to: Gina is reading. Alex walks in.– Joey’s apartment]

Alex: Okay, I’ve decided what to tell the magazine. (hands Gina a notepad) What do you think?

Gina: (starts reading)(confused) Mercurial relationship between Joey Tribianni and Alex Garret is hard to define. However the French have a phrase… (yelling) what the hell is this?!

Alex: I don’t know. This is impossible. Tell Joey to do it. (storms out)

(Joey and Zach walk in )

Joey: Where’s Michael?

Gina: In his room. Sulking.

Joey: (walking to Michaels room and knocks on the door) Michael! Michael! Come on! How long are you going to be mad at me? Oh! Come out quick! A physics truck just turned over outside! There’s physics everywhere!

Michael: (opening door) I can’t believe you have the nerve to talk to me after getting Abby fired.

Joey: What?

Michael: Yeah. She told me the director fired her because the star had a problem with her.

Joey: Oh, I had no idea.

Michael: Yeah , well thanks to you she has no job and no income. What’s she supposed to do now?

Zach: She can move into Joey’s trailer with me if she pays for half the cable.

Michael: And, AND! It gets better. She broke up with me because you hate her. Thanks a lot. ( Storms into room )

Gina: ( Chasing after Michael ) Michael!!

( Phones rings. Zach hands Joey the phone )

Joey: Thanks. ( Answering phone ) Hello?

Bobbie: Joey, what the hell is going on? You sent your stuntman to my office to sign contracts for you.

Joey: What? No, no! I was totally there. You were drunk, screaming profanities and your blouse was on backwards!

Bobbie: Come on, that’s a lucky guess and you know it. Now, that guy is just doing whatever you say because you’re the star and he doesn’t want to lose his job. Is it true that yu made him cross the freeway on a skateboard?

Joey: Sounds familiar.

Bobbie: That’s a lawsuit waiting to happen. You can’t treat an employer like that. If you treat them with kindness and respect, they will repay you with eternal loyalty.    (Screaming) Isn’t that right Gina? Gina? Where’d that bitch go?

[Scene: Joey Trailer – Chuck walks in]

Joey: Hey Chuck. Thanks for meeting me.

Chuck: (nervously) Alright. What can I do for you?

Joey: No, nothing. I’m here to apologize. I’ve been abusing my power. I shouldn’t ask you do to things for me just because I’m the star of the movie.

Chuck: Thanks. Thanks, I appreciate that.

Joey (pulling gout a bottle of whiskey ): Oh and uh, I got you a gift.

Chuck: Oh! Hey, that’s nice, but really I can’t. I’ve got to that three story jump tomorrow.

Joey: Come on!

Chuck: No really, I can’t.

Joey: Chuck, the star of the movie buys you a bottle of scotch, maybe you have a drink with me.

Chuck? Alright. (Takes a drink) Aw yeaah! (Laughing) It’s good. I don’t know why I ever quit drinking. (looking at the bottle) 15 looooong years. I’ve missed you. ( Drinks from the bottle )

Joey: Oh, um..oh. Oh!

[Cuts to: Joey and Zach yelling at Chuck whose on top of a building]

Joey: Come on Chuck! You gotta come down!

Chuck: This will be the highest jump I’ve ever done! And this will show my ex wiefe that I’m not a loser!

Joey ( to Zach ): He’s really gonna jump!

Zach: We’ve gotta do something!

Joey: I’m worried. I pray to god he lands on his head.

(Chuck jumps)


Joey: (scared) Did you just hear a ga-gush?

[Scene: Abby’s house. Joey knocks on the door]

Abby: Joey, what are you doing here?

Joey: Sorry it’s so late. I had to take a friend to the emergency room but he’s going to be okay.

Abby: That’s like the best story I’ve ever heard.

Joey: Look, can I come in?

Abby: Fine ( lets him in)

Joey: (pointing to the wall): Hey! Jackie Chan! I knew we had to have something in common! (camera switches to the wall and it’s a picture of a Buddha.) (makes Karate noises and gestures. ) ( turns back to Abby ) Look, I just wanted you to know I talked to the director and got you your job back. I never meant for you to get fired. I’m sorry.

Abby: Oh, okay, thank you. Do you wanna have a seat?

Joey: Yeah, okay. ( they sit on the couch ) So, uh, are we okay? I mean, you’re back at work; you can start dating Michael again.

Abby: Oh, I don’t think so. I could never date a guy who lives with someone who hates me.

Joey: I don’t hate you.

Abby: Then why do we clash so much at work? Why do we argue all the time? Why did you freak out when I went on a date with Michael? ( Joey doesn’t know what to say ) (Abby realizes something ) It’s because you have feelings for me isn’t it?

Joey: It’s because what now?

Abby: That’s why you mess up your lines! To give me a reason to talk to you.

Joey: (stands up quickly )Woah, woah, woah. No.

Abby: Okay look, if you have feelings for me, we can work it now. But if you just hate, then forget it.

Joey: Uh, alright. Okay, if I admit that I have feelings for you, you’ll go out with Michael again?

Abby: I don’t see why not.

Joey: And that’s the only explanation that makes any sense to you?

Abby: Yup.

Joey (slowly sits back down) Abby, I want to get with you.

Abby: I knew it. Okay, look, I don’t want to be getting you all hot and bothered at work. So maybe you should tell me what you find so attractive about me and I’ll try to tone it down a little.

Joey: Oh, well..I

Abby: (smugly) I know.

Joey: Well, you have so opinions and! And, you smell (smells her) like wet wood.

Abby: It will never happen.

Joey: (fakes disappointment) Awww!

[ Scene: Joey’s trailer. Chuck walks in ]

Joey: Hey, you’re back at work! Aw man, I’m so glad you’re okay! (shakes his hand ) You can put hand down now.

Chuck: No, I can’t. It’s in a cast. (knocks on cast) I broke my arm. Joey, you have me alcohol. I can’t do the stunt now. And when they found out, I’m going to lose my job and my health insurance.

Joey: Oh okay. Uh. Okay, maybe you don’t have to do the stunt.

[ Cut to: Movie scene. Joey runs out of a building that’s on fire. ]

Joey: (into a walkie talkie) I need to get out of here. This place is about to blow!

Director: Still rolling! Bring in the stunt man!

Joey: (takes off mask) Okay, I’m swamping out with Chuck now. (goes through a door; Chuck is there and he’s helping Joey put the mask back on.) (yells) And huh, here he comes. (walks back out; two men are there waiting for him) How you doin? I’m Chuck.

Guy: Hey how you doin? ( starts brushing flammable gel on him )

Joey: What’s all this stuff?

Guy: Come on Chuck, you know what this is. We can’t light you on fire without flammable gel. ( lights him on fire )

( Joey is scared and runs around the set screaming. Falls off the building )

Joey: I did it! I’m alive!

Director: Alright keep rolling! Now the mob rushes in and beats the crap out of him! (Mob runs in and hits him) Hit him harder! It’s Chuck; he can take it! ( Mob continues to beat him )

[End Scene: Alex is reading; Joey walks in]

Joey: Hey Alex, I got a copy of US Magazine with our picture in it. Check it out?

Alex: Oh yeah, Gina never told me what you told them. So, what did you say that we were. Probably ‘just friends’ or something.

Joey: No. You don’t want your picture in a magazine to say ‘Joey and friend’. I had them refer to you as ‘unknown sexy companion’.

Alex: Oh okay, I like that! Where’s the picture?

Joey: (opening picture) Oh no! This isn’t the right picture! What did they take this one the set? Ugh!

Alex: (looks at picture) Is that you and Michael’s girlfriend?

(Abby and Michael come in)

Abby: Joey I may be sexy but I’ll never be your companion!

Michael (hands Joey a piece of paper ) Dorothy Wheelan’s phone number.

Joey: Oh!!

[Closing credits]

Transcribed by Shelbs for Joey Café.

Voir la fiche épisode, le script V.O. et le script V.F.

[Scene: Joey and Lockwood are hanging from trees in harnesses, shooting a scene]

Joey: (on the phone) Hey Bobbie, I'm about to shoot a scene...Movie is going great except I hate my co-star Lockwood, that jerk...that's a good question, I think he knows how I feel.

Lockwood: I do.

Joey: (To Bobbie) You know what? I'll call you later from my trailer.

Lockwood: I cannot believe you have a trailer that's bigger than mine.

Joey: You know what Lockwood?  I'm sick of your snobby little comments. Why don't you just come out and say it, huh? You think you're better than me.

Lockwood: I think I'm much, much, much, much better than you. I've said it to your face every day.

Joey: Yeah, well, it got back to me!

Lockwood: I can't believe I have to share a tree with you.

Joey: Well, then get your own tree.

(Joey tries to kick Lockwood)

Lockwood: What? Are you trying to kick me? Don't you try and kick me! That's it!

(Lockwood grabs Joey's harness and pulls him closer, as the producer yells)

Producer: And... action!

Lockwood: (suddenly in character) I want you to know something. I love you, Ron. I think of you like a son.

Joey: I am not going to leave you here to die, Agent Wilson.

Lockwood: If this is the end.. it's been an honour working with you.

Producer: Cut!

Lockwood: You hack! I am sick of being stuck next to this imbecile! How do you get out of this thing?

Joey: Here. Let me help you. (Pulls a cord on Lockwood's harness and Lockwood falls to the ground screaming)

[Opening Credits]

[Scene: California Tech College - Joey & Michael]

Michael: Thank you so much for picking me up.

Joey: No problem. Hey, on the way home we can stop by my house and see what it looks like on a Tuesday.

Michael: Alright. Okay, great. I just gotta go pick up my books. I'll be right back. Don't go anywhere.

(Michael walks off)

Joey: No problem. I'll be right here.

(Joey sits down, but gets immediately back up when a woman [Maria] enters the hallway. He follows her into a classroom with a sign on the door, "English As A Second Language")

Teacher [Mrs. Lafferty]: Nice to see you again, Maria.

Maria: Hello, Mrs. Lafferty.

Mrs. Lafferty: (noticing Joey) Welcome. What is your name?

Joey: Uh, I'm Joey.

Mrs. Lefferty: Joey, you have a wonderful accent.

Joey: Thank you.

Mrs. Lafferty: Joey, this is an 'English As a Second Language' class for beginners. Are you sure you're in the right place?

Joey: (Looks at Maria who is smiling at him) Oh, I'm in the right place.

Mrs. Lafferty: Let's get started. I hope everyone practiced counting to ten over the weekend.

(Everyone agrees)

Mrs. Lafferty: Great. Let's do it together.

All: One... two... three... (Joey joins in proudly) four... five... six... seven... eight... nine... ten.

Student [Boris]: (stands up) Eleven, twleve!

Mrs. Lafferty: Very good, Boris! Somebody's gonna get a gold star.

Boris: Thank you, thank you.

Joey: (standing up) Thirteen, fourteen, fifteen!

(Everyone claps)

[Scene: Bobbie's Office - Bobbie & Gina]

Bobbie: Gina, get in here!

Gina: What's going on?

Bobbie: You broke the one rule that I have for my employees. You slept with a client.

Gina: That is not true.

Bobbie: Really? (picks up an actor's headshot) Does this face look familiar to you?

Gina: No.

Bobbie: How about now? (holds up headshot in front of her face) Ooh, Gina, I like it when you do it like that. Do you like it when I do it to you like this? Ooh, I love your big fake boobies and your cheap New York accent.

Gina: Oh, I couldn't help it, Bobbie! He manipulated me with his acting skills. He got me drunk and then the next thing I knew his hands were all over me.

Bobbie: Oh, can it!

Gina: All right, fine.

Bobbie: This guy has booked more commercials than any client I represent. Now he's so distraught he doesn't wanna be a client anymore. You've cost me thousands of dollars. So now you have to get me a new client.

Gina: I don't know how to do that.

Bobbie: Well, you better learn. You wanna be a big agent one day, don't you?

Gina: I do. More than anything.

Bobbie: Gina, you're like a daughter to me. So I'm going to tell you something that my mother once said to me: You get my money back or I'll bury you, you miserable bitch.

[Scene: A bar - Joey & Maria]

Maria: Oh, Joey. Your english so good. Can you say more words for me?

Joey: Uh, cordurouy.

Maria: Give me another.

Joey: Harpsichord.

Maria: Oh, yes.

Joey: Okay, now this is a big one.

Maria: No, don't do it. It's too dangerous.

Joey: Ibuprofen.

Maria: (breathlessly) Get the check.

(Michael & Alex enter)

Michael: What happened to you? I had to call Alex for a ride.

Joey: Excuse me one second-- Come here. (walks away from Maria) Hey.

Alex: Hey.

Joey: Look, I followed this girl into a class after you left. It turns out it was an english class for foreigners.

Michael: Oh, yeah, CalTech offers that for foreign students. You know, some of the smartest people in the world are in that class.

Alex: So, you're pursuing a woman who just started learning English? I don't care how pretty she is, you just leave your nephew at the-- (sees Maria, gasps) Oh my god, what a body. Whoo, I haven't felt this way since gymnastics camp.

Joey: I don't care how hot she is, okay? I like that she's into me because I'm the smartest guy in the class. Michael, you're smart. You should totally play this card.

Michael: Oh, yeah, being smart really makes women hot. (turns to a nearby table of women) Hey ladies, who likes the transitive property? (stares blankly at Joey)

Joey: That's weird. It works for me. Hey, Maria! (Maria approaches) You like the transitive property?

Maria: Take me to the car, you sexy bastard.

[Scene: Joey's Trailer on set]

Zach: Wow, so this chair is new.

Joey: Yeah, it gives great back massages. But if you turn over on it, it's just a machine that punches you in the crotch, so..

(Gina enters)

Gina: Joey.. I need you to help me.

Joey: Uh, okay.

Gina: Bobbie's mad at me because I lost her a client.

Joey: Oh.

Gina: Do you know any actors looking for agents?

Zach: Hey, hey, look, Bobbie should represent me. I've been kicking around in this business for years. I got the goods, I swear!

Gina: Alright, let's see what you can do.

Zach: (singing very badly) There--

Gina: No!

(Zach leaves, disgruntled. Lockwood enters)

Lockwood: Excuse me.

Joey: What do you want, Lockwood?

Lockwood: I would appreciate it if you would stop parking so close to me. I can barely open the door to my car... Porshe.. because your truck is parked too close to my space.

Gina: Mr. Lockwood, I'm Gina. (shakes his hand) Joey's sister.

Lockwood: My sympathies.

Gina: I was wondering if you were totally happy with your representation. I work for Bobbie Morganstern.

Lockwood: Bobbie Morganstern? I thought she died a month ago.

Gina: Yeah, she did, for eight and a half minutes. But she's back and better than ever!

Lockwood: You know, my agents have been able to handle matters around this set as I had hoped.

Gina: Well, maybe I can be of assistance. (hands Lockwood her card) And if I can, maybe you'll consider making the switch.

Lockwood: Sound fair enough. I look forward to seeing what you can do. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to get some lunch... lobster.

(Lockwood leaves)

Joey: What are you doing?

Gina: What? I gotta get Bobbie a new client, and he's a big star.

Joey: You don't come to my set and try to drum up business. Look, it's weird enough my sister's working for my agent, okay? We gotta keep the business and the personal separate.

Gina: This is the first job I've ever really cared about. I gotta find somebody for Bobbie.

Joey: Well, find somebody other than Lockwood.

(Zach  reenters)

Zach: I'm afraid of who I am and how I feel, but most of all, afraid of walking out of this room and not feeling the way I feel when I'm with you. Miss Jennifer Grey, Dirty Dancing!

Joey: Yeah, definitely go with Lockwood.

[Scene: California Tech College - Joey's ESL Class]

Student [Renata]: Bill and Mary go to sch... skk...

Joey: "School!" Renata, they go to school!

Mrs. Lafferty: Okay, Joey, why don't you pick it up where Renata left off? Now this is a hard part, so take your time.

Joey: Oh, boy, yeah, this looks tough. (quickly) "The bell rang. The students all went to the auditorium with their teacher." (slams book shut) Boom! That's right, Boris. You heard it- Auditorium! Pff. (Turns to Maria)

Maria: I am so lucky to be with the smartest boy in class.Some words are so.. tug. (Trying to say "tough")

Joey: Tug? Oh, remember, I told you sometimes a "gh' sounds like an "f." Tough. Like, rough, or laugh.

Maria: Oh, Joey, make love to me tonift. (Tonight.)

Joey: That is good english.

Mrs. Lafferty: OK, I'd like everybody to take out their homework on the subjunctive tense.

(Joey leans over to look at Maria's homework)

Maria: Joey, you didn't do it?

Joey: I got it. (points to his head)

Mrs. Lafferty: If the present form of the verb "to be" is "I am," the subjunctive tense is "if I..." (Joey raises his hand) Joey.

Joey: If I was.

Mrs. Lafferty: Oh, I'm sorry, that's not correct.

Boris: (stands up) It's, uh, if I were.

(Maria looks past Joey to Boris and smiles)

Mrs. Lafferty: Very good, Boris.

Renata: (Turns to Joey) Joey are stupid.

Joey: Joey is stupid, Renata!

[Scene: Set Parking Lot - Joey runs towards the Script Supervisor, Abbey]

Abbey: Joey, where have you been?

Joey: Sorry, Lockwood's car is taking up both of our spaces. I had to park all the way on the other side of the lot and take a tour bus back here. We stopped to watch a scene from teh Gilmore Girls. I wish I had a relationship like that with my mom.

Abbey: I'm so sorry, we would've never given away your space, but your agent approved it.

Joey: What? No, there's no way she would've done that. (Digs his phone from his pocket) I'm going to call her write now and see. What's your relationship like with your mom? (begins to dial)

Abbey: Well, it's complicated. My mother and I never really--

Joey: Oh, I thought it would be short. (walks off)

[Cut to: Joey on the phone, walking up to his trailer that Gina is exiting]

Joey: (on the phone) Yeah, well, have her call me. Thanks. Bye. (hangs up) Hey, Gina, did Bobbie give my parking space to Lockwood?

Gina: Actually, I did.

Joey: What?!

Gina: I gotta get this guy as a client for Bobbie.

Joey: You have crossed the line, Gina. I loved that parking space. This is the worst thing you could've done. (enters the trailer and sees Lockwood sitting in a chair)

Lockwood: Oh, hi, what do you think of my new trailer?

Joey: I don't know, I haven't seen your new trailer.

Lockwood: Really?

Joey: (sarcastically) Really.

Lockwood: You wanna think about that for a second?

(Joey stands for a second, then begins to look around and see all of Lockwood's things in his trailer. He gasps.)

[Scene: Outside a trailer - Joey & Gina]

Joey: I cannot believe you gave Lockwood my trailer.

Gina: Well, what else was I supposed to do? I was desperate! You will like this trailer.

Joey: Wait a minute, I know this trailer; this is where they keep the extras! (The door of the trailer opens, a man dressed in a suit walks out) Hey, Waiter #2. (A man wearing a sports jersey and a painted face exits, also.) Hey, Rowdy Sports Fan! (Gina and Joey enter the trailer) There's no way I'm taking this trailer. (sniffs) What is that smell? (sees a rack of cop costumes) Sweaty Cop? That guy's gross! Wait a second, is this thing slanted?

Gina: No, Joey, you're being dramatic.

(Joey walks to the other side of the trailer and the whole thing slants, sending a rolling chair across the trailer.)

Joey: Am I?! Gina, this is unacceptable. You had no right to give away my stuff. And of all people, you give it to Lockwood?

Gina: Oh, would you stop being so selfish? I am trying to save my job here.

(Trailer door opens and Sweaty Cop enters, sending the trailer reeling to the other side)

Joey: Think of a way to do it that doesn't involve- (sees Sweaty Cop changing his clothes) Not now, sweaty cop!

(Sweaty Cop leaves)

Joey: Okay, look, I'm not going to stand for this. Get me my trailer back.

Gina: No, you owe me.

Joey: For what?

Gina: For all the times I saved your life. When you.. choked on a Superball, when you french kissed an electrical socket.

Joey: No, don't do this to me, okay? This is business. And if you've got a work problem, you've gotta deal with it yourself.

Gina: Fine, but the next time you choke on a Superball, don't you come crying to me.

Joey: I am a grown man now, okay? I think my throat can fit a Superball. Now if you'll excuse me, I am going to use the bathroom that I share with eight other dudes.

(Joey goes into the bathroom, Gina runs to the opposite side of the trailer and jumps, tipping the trailer and Joey)

Joey: (from in the bathroom) Not cool, Gina! Not cool!

[Scene: Joey's House - Joey, Alex, & Zach - Joey is practicing his English with a tape]

Tape: I was planning to go to the beach today, but then it started to rain.

Joey: I was planning to go to the beach today, but then it started to rain.

Zach: Dude, I think your accent's getting worse.

Alex: I've never seen you work so hard for a woman.

Joey: No, no, it's not about the woman. I'm past that. It's about the brainy guys and doing better than them. Okay? People in the class are picking up the language way too fast, and they're gaining on me. I'm starting to think those rocket scientists are smarter than me.

(Someone knocks on the door, Joey answers - it's Maria, carrying a picnic basket)

Joey: Oh, Maria, I totally forgot. I can't go on a picnic with you today. I have to study.

Maria: Why? It's just a stupid class.

Joey: A stupid class? Maria, my studies are very important to me.

Maria: There is a nice park for us to go to.

Joey: First of all, you don't end a sentence with a preposition. Okay, that is wrong. In fact, lately everything about you is wrong.... except for your awesome, awesome body. So I'm afraid I'm going to have to say goodbye to you, Maria.

Maria: But what about us?

Alex: You know, he sad goodbye!

(Maria yells in Spanish and storms out)

Alex: Aww.

Joey: What'd she say?

Alex: She thinks I'm your whore.

[Scene: Make-Up Room #1 - Lockwood & Make-Up Artist]

Lockwood: Wow, my face looks wonderful. What did you put on it?

Make-Up Artist: Nothing yet.

Lockwood: That's right.

(Make-Up Artist exits, Gina enters)

Gina: Hello, Mr. Lockwood.

Lockwood: Oh, hello there. Did you manage to get me out of that commercial?

Gina: No, I'm still working on it.

Lockwood: Well, I'm sorry to hear that. Anyone who is going to represent me is going to have to handle that kind of thing.

Gina: Oh, but I did get you all the other things you asked for. Kraft Services will be getting you blueberry cream cheese, Wardrobe will get you those sweaters, and because you don't like to learn people's names, I've let everyone on the crew know that you will be referring to them all now as Johnny.

Lockwood: That's something, I guess. Talk to you later, Johnny.

(Lockwood leaves, Joey enters)

Joey: Gina.

Gina: Joey. Not that you care, but I'm making progress with Lockwood on my own.

(Joey's phone rings)

Gina: See you later, Joey.

(Gina leaves, Make-Up Artist enters, Joey answers his phone)

Joey: (on the phone) Hey, Bobbie.

Bobbie: Hey, Joey. I'm calling about Gina. I thought I'd give you the heads up- since she lost me that client, I've been getting a lot of pressure from my partners, and I think I'm gonna have to let her go.

Joey: What? Isn't that a little harsh?

Bobbie: If I don't make an example with her, my employees will think I've gone soft. Then they'll start showing up late or asking for the day off when their family members die. And what the hell is Rosh Hashanuh?

[Scene: Lockwood's Trailer - Joey & Lockwood]

Joey: Alright, Lockwood, we need to talk.

Lockwood: I'll try to use small words.

Joey: No need, I am in an English class. Look, are you going to sign with Gina or not?

Lockwood: Well, I asked her to get me out of a job. She knows that if she makes that happen, I'm hers.

Joey: What's the job?

Lockwood: COmmercial for an Eastern European soft drink called Splort. The world's only beet-flavoured cola.

Joey: Alright, okay. What if I agreed to do the commercial for you- then would you sign with Gina?

Lockwood: I think I just might. I'll call the director and see if I can set it up.

Joey: Hey, listen, uh, it's nothing too bad, is it?

Lockwood: Oh, no.

(Joey leaves, and Lockwood smiles)

[Scene: Splort Commercial shooting - Joey is dressed as a can of Splort]

Director: Action.

Joey: Wait, I just gotta ask--

Director: Release the bees!

(Joey is surprised by the swarm of bees that begin coming towards him, and he runs away- into a tree and through bushes.)

[Scene: Joey's Trailer - Joey & Gina]

Gina: So, Lockwood is going to sign with the agency.

Joey: Hey, well, congratulations. You did it.

Gina: No, you did it. I heard what you did with the commercials and the bees and everything. It must've been awful.

Joey: It wasn't great. Apprently the bees thought the can looked like a giant flower and well, they pollinated me, Gina!

Gina: Why would you do that for me anyway? I mean, what happened to keeping business and personal separate?

Joey: Oh come on, what could I do? I couldn't let you get fired. You've been working so hard and you know what? You're actually really good at this job.

Gina: Thanks. Come on, if I'm so good, let's see if I can get you your trailer back.

Joey: Okay! (Joey stands up and the trailer tilts) Hold on, let me just puke one last time.

[Scene: ESL Classroom]

Mrs. Lafferty: Can anyone give me an example of a multiple homoynm?

Joey: I can! (raises hand, the whole class sighs) They're meaning they are, their meaning group posessive, and there meaning in that place.

Mrs. Lafferty: That's very good, Joey.

Joey: Thank you, Mrs. Lafferty.

Boris: Hey Joey, what is on your nose? It is brown, no?

Mrs. Lafferty: I wanted to tell you all how you did on your quizzes. Once again, Joey wins the prize.

Joey: Yes! Haha! (gets his gold star from the teacher) Uh, thank you. I'd like to share another American phrase with all of you, uh.. suck it!

Mrs. Lafferty: Well, that's it today, but I'll see you guys at Juan's house later tonight.

Renata: Yay, Juan, woo-hoo!

Joey: (To Renata) Wait, hold on, is something going on at Juan's house?

Renata: Uh.. I don't know.

(Renata rushes off)

Joey: Hey, Juan, are you having a party tonight?

Boris: Yes, Juan's having citizenship party tonight, but unfortunatley we have no room for pet of teacher.

Maria: Have fun studying, Joey.

(A student knocks Joey's books out of his hand)

Joey: Hey guys, wait, can't I come to the party?

Boris: I don't think you... can! (Holds up a can of Splort)

Joey: Are you drinking Splort?

(The students leaves, Joey picks up his books and notices another girl still in the classroom)

Joey: Hey, Sonja. You didn't get invited either?

(Sonja shakes her head, no)

Joey: Hey, uh, you wanna you and me go grab a cup of coffee?

Sonja: No, thank you, that would be.. how you say?.. social suicide.

(Joey looks dejected, but looks at his star and smiles proudly)

[Scene: Lockwood's Trailer - Joey & Gina]

Joey: Where is he?

Gina: I don't know. He and Bobbie are supposed to be signing the contract. (notices the contract on a table) Oh, hey, look. He signed, it's official. I am off the hook.

(Lockwood enters, buttoning up his shirt)

Lockwood: Oh, apparently those contracts are no longer valid.

Gina: What? Why not?

(Bobbie enters, putting on her shoes)

Bobbie: Uh, yeah, we're not going to be able to sign him as a client.

Lockwood: Well, I better go. I'm needed on the set. (To Gina and Joey) Johnny. Johnny. (To Bobbie) Johnny.

(Lockwood leaves)


Transcripted by Spudnik

Voir la fiche épisode, le script V.O. et le script V.F.

Candice : So, as you can see, they started renovating the master bedroom, and, I brought some furniture by, just to get a sense of your taste.

Joey : It is so cool having an interior designer, who is also my hot girl friend do my house!

Candice : Oh really, why?

Joey : Well, because you are who I want this place to impress, you know. For example, it was great to learn that a fireplace in the master bedroom is sexy, but the loo side stature of two people doing it is not!

Candice : Alright! So, we are going to take this wall down, just to open the place up a bit.

Joey : OH! If the walls coming down anyway, can I take the first crack at it?

Candice : It’s your house.

Joey : It is my house! (Joey picks up a sledge hammer) Now you sure this is the right wall, right?

Candice : (nods and smiles) definitely.

Joey : Ok, you know?

(Laughs, swings at wall but misses and breaks a coffee table)

Joey : (coughs nervously) Umm, where was that antique coffee table you wanted to show me?

[Opening credits and music]

(Gina is walking from her kitchen to sit on the couch when Alex walks in carrying her laptop)

Alex : Hey, can I hang out here for a minute? My ex-husband is at my place, we’re dividing up our stuff.

Gina : You and Eric haven’t done that already?

Alex : Yeah, well. (Sighs) We’ve been fighting over who gets what. Word to the wise, if you ever get married, write your name on you party five CD’s!

Gina : Eric really screwed you over you must want to kill him!

Alex : Actually, I’m ok. My therapist taught me this technique where you write a letter with everything you with everything you wish you could say to someone, you never actually send it, but just getting that stuff down allows you to move past it.

Gina : (looks slightly puzzled) That really works?

Alex : Oh yeah, I’ve written my father, my brother, LeBron James.

(Gina now looks very surprised)

Alex : Well win a championship then act like that!

(Eric knocks and sticks his head through the door)

Eric : Alex? I’m taking off. Hey Gina, it’s been a long time. Just because me and Alex ended out relationship doesn’t mean change the way that we..

(Gina cuts him off before he can finish)

Gina : I’ve always hated you.

Eric : (turning to leave) Good! Then we’ll keep doing that!

(Eric leaves, Joey enters through the front door carrying two grocery bags)

Joey : Hey guys.

Alex and Gina : Hey.

Gina : You went grocery shopping?

Joey : Yeah, I’m making lunch for Candice and her grandmother, their really close and I need to score some points, cause for some reason her grandmother does not like me!

Alex : Why?

Joey : I guess when women get older they lose hormones, and that’s a big part of my appeal so!

(Joey nods and goes and puts the groceries away, Gina leans over to talk to Alex)

Gina : You know, he’s really into Candice maybe you should start thinking about writing one of these letters to get over Joey.

Alex : What are you talking about, I am already over Joey!

(Joey goes to walk upstairs to his room)

Joey : Oh, look at you Alex with your glasses and your laptop; you’re like a sexy, little, secretary. You want to come up to my office and take down a memo! 

(Alex laughs very nervously)

Alex : Yeah, and then maybe you’ll chase me around your desk and my heel will break and you’ll catch me!

(Joey and Gina both look very surprised and slightly confused)

Alex : New document, Dear Joey.

[Scene : Joey, Candice and her grandmother, Gloria are having lunch ]

Candice : It was so nice of you to invite us over, wasn’t it grandma?

Gloria : There’s nothing like eating hot-pots in the common area of an apartment building!

(Joey bites into his food, but it is to hot)

Joey : Ahhh hot! (Spits out some of his food)

(Joey takes an ice cube from his drink and uses it to cool down his hot-pot; Gloria seems quite appalled and surprised)

Gloria : Ah, the way you eat, reminds me of my first husband Herman, God I hated that man. You look like him, you act like him, I bet you like the civil war too.

Joey : (nods) I do like the civil war!

(Zach enters)

Zach : Hey

Joey : Hey Zach, you know Candice and this Gloria who you will be surprised o find out is not Candice’s sister!

Zach : Why would I think that? She’s so much older than her!

(Gloria gets up to go)

Gloria : Candice, I’ve got to get going to a rehearsal.

Candice : Grandma’s got the lead in the Pirates of Penzance, down at the Beverly Hills retirement centre.

Gloria : Not for much longer, the director just quit and if they can’t find a replacement they are going to cancel it.

Candice : Grandma, it’s like the one thing she looks forward to all year.

(Joey nods)

Candice : Bye.

Joey : Bye (kisses Candice)

Zach : Hey man we should totally direct that play!

Joey : What?

Zach : Yes! You know how many rich and famous people have parents in the Beverly Hills retirement centre! If we put on a good show we could make all sorts of connections.

Joey : I don’t know anything about directing a musical.

Zach : I do, I’ll do everything. I happen to have a musical theatre background.

Joey : Where’d you study?

Zach : No, I mean an actual background! The Godspell people didn’t want it any more so I took it, it’s in my shed!

[Scene : Alex sat in Joey’s apartment at the table writing her letter, Gina walks in ]

Gina : Hey, ready to go to lunch?

Alex : Uh, yeah. I’m just finishing this letter to Joey. Feels so good to finally get this off my chest.

(Gina reads some of it over Alex’s shoulder)

Gina : Dear Dimples?

Alex : Yeah, well that’s kinda what I would call him if we had nicknames for each other, he would call be Button! It’s kinda of cute if you think about it.

Gina : How much do you think about it?!?

(Michael enters)

Michael : Hey guys, what are you doing?

Alex : Uh, nothing.

Gina : None of your business.

Michael : None of business? Oh that means it’s about Joey!

(Alex looks at Gina)

Michael : Well I already know you’re into him, come on Alex can I read it?

Alex : No! It’s very personal.

Gina : Besides you can not keep a secret.

Michael : Telling the school nurse you gave me vodka to help me sleep was not betraying your confidence! I was starting to need it!

Alex : I’m sorry Michael but if Joey ever saw this I would die.

Michael : I just want to read the first part.

Alex : NO!

(Michael tries to read it but Alex pulls the laptop away form him)

Alex : There now it’s deleted forever! Come on lets get lunch.

Gina : You’re such a pain in the ass.

(Gina and Alex both leave)

Michael : Well it’s deleted forever, oh how could I ever drag something out of the trash!

(Opens laptop and opens the letter file)

Michael : (while reading) Wow, what did LeBron James ever do to her!

[ Scene : The inside of the theatre, the musical is being rehearsed, Joey and Zach enter ]

Joey : Oh my god, looks like the haunted mansion at Disney land.

Candice : You guys.

Joey : Hey. (Kisses Candice on the cheek)

Candice : Thank you so much for doing this.

(Leads Joey and Zach up to the stage)

Candice : Everyone our new directors are here.

Joey : Hi everyone, I’m Joey and this is Zach. We’re looking forward to having a really great time. I’d like to give a shout out to a very special lady up there, hey Gloria.

Gloria : Now don’t ruin this by being a suck up like Herman.

Joey : Got it gorgeous, great blouse!

(Candice kisses Joey and leaves)

Zach : Ah, ok everyone just to get a sense of where we’re at why don’t we start with Modern Major General. Ok, music please.

(Everyone starts singing, Zach seems very unpleasantly surprised)

Zach : (claps) Alright, ok. That’s was really good everyone, if you want your families to think you’ve gone senile! Excuse me what is this (points to an old mans insulin bag).

Old man : It’s my insulin, I have diabetes.

Zach : and do you need this at all times?

Old man : Yes.

Zach : (shouts) then get off my stage!

(Walks over to an old lady)

Zach : What are those?

Old lady : blood thinners.

(Zach knocks them out her hand)

Zach : I will not have my actors taking drugs, that is how we lost Belushi.

Joey : Zach, Zach! Will you calm down?

Zach : Did you see their blocking, did you here them sing? They’re awful!

Joey : These are nice old people; they probably have like 6 months to live.

(Old man sat near them looks up at Joey)

Joey : Oh not you! You look great!

(Checks the old mans pulse)

Joey : Yeah you’re alright.

(Cut to Joeys apartment where Michael is still reading Alex’s letter)

Michael : Oh dimples! I miss the way it feels when you hold me. (Laughs)

(Joey comes downstairs and grabs the laptop)

Joey : What you reading?

Michael : No Joey you can’t read that!

Joey : (Reading letter) Touch me like no man has ever touched me before… Wow I gave you there benefit of the doubt but I guess I owe your mum fifty bucks!

Michael : I didn’t write it. Now I mean it give it back, Joey, I swear, don’t read it!

(Michael desperately tries to grab the laptop back; Joey throws him on the couch and sits on him to stop him moving)

Michael : Ahhhhhh (gasping)

(Joey looks stunned)

Joey : Please tell me that’s..

(Michael interrupts)

Michael : It’s a candy bar!

Joey : Ok good. (Keeps reading) I so badly want to tell you I still have feeling for you but I know you’re moved on and I probably should too. Who could this be about? (Stands up) She hasn’t been with anyone since her husband Eric, apart from me.

(Joey looks shocked)

Joey : Oh my god, it is Eric!

Michael : (jumps up) yes, yes its Eric, of course it’s Eric, dimples is Eric.

Joey : Does he even have dimples?

Michael : (starts waving his arms and getting over excited) does he have dimples, yeah he has, he has dimples, you could get lost in them and never want to be found!

Joey : What are you doing?

Michael : I don’t know!

(Joeys phone rings)

Joey : Oh here. (Hands Michael the laptop and answers his phone) Hey Zach, not again. One of my pirates wandered off! Alright, yeah, yeah you check the high school and I’ll check the mall. Alright, see you.

(Joey says bye to Michael and leaves. Michael goes to get his candy bar out of his pocket but its gone, looks through the window and sees Joey eating it who quickly leaves)

[Scene : Back to theatre, the play is being rehearsed again ]

Zach : Congratulations, this has the potential to be the best musical I have ever directed, and I have directed the Bethel Temples production of Shlom Shlom Birdy.

Joey : Thanks so much for doing this man Candice is loving me.

Zach : No problem man, I got you covered.

(Bobbie enters)

Bobbie : Joey!

Joey : Hey Bobbie, what are you doing here.

Bobbie : Well my mothers a resident here and she just happens to be in your production. (Waves to her mum) She needs a song.

Joey : Oh, I don’t know, all the parts have already been cast.

Bobbie : Don’t give me that crap! Make it happen.

(Bobbies mum comes up)

B. Mum : (shouting) is he going to give me a song or not!

Bobbie : I don’t know yet.

(Bobbie looks terrified of her)

B. Mum : Speak clearly you tree!

Joey : I’ll see what I can do.

Bobbie : Don’t look at me like that mother I’m trying, I’m trying!

(Joey walks over to Candice who is near the stage; her mother is practicing her solo song)

Candice : Look at her Joey, grandma is so happy. You’re such a great guy.

(Candice kisses Joey and leaves)

Gloria : (singing) Stay Fredrick stay, they have no legal..

(Zach interrupts)

Zach : Nah, nah, nah damn Gloria what key are you singing in M?

Gloria : I’m sorry I didn’t have much time to rehearse.

Zach : Why, cause you’re so busy with your job?

Gloria : Hey, I just..

(Zach interrupts her again)

Zach : That’s it Gloria gets off my stage!

Gloria : What!

Joey : What!

Zach : I’m sorry sweet heart its better you learnt his early you don’t have the chops. From the top people.

Joey : Zach, what the hell are you doing, you can’t fire my girlfriend’s grandmother, she’s the whole reason we’re doing this.

Zach : I’m sorry but she has a bad attitude and she doesn’t understand the choreography.

Joey : She’s seventy five! Maybe she doesn’t understand when you say “Beyonce it up”!

Zach : I mean look at Lette, she’s a much better lead. She’s a better singer, a better dancer, plus she exudes that raw sexuality that makes me wish she was twenty years younger, and that I was twenty years older, and that she was into younger men!

Joey : Zach, Zach, look I appreciate your commitment to this production ok, but Gloria is still the lead in this play.

Zach : Not in a play that I’m directing.

Joey : Well then I guess you’re not directing.

Zach : Then I guess I’m leaving.

Joey : Then I guess I’m not giving you a ride home.

Zach : Then I hope the 147 bus goes down Wilshaw!

Joey : I believe it does!

(Zach throws his script over his shoulder and storms out)

[Scene : Joeys apartment, Joey enters, Alex is sat on the couch ]

Joey : Hey.

Alex : Oh, hey. I hope you don’t mind that I’m here Eric’s back he’s just picking up the last of his stuff, and as soon as he leaves he will be out of my life forever.

Joey : Ok look Alex if you’re saying he’s going to be gone forever then we need to talk, um, I read your letter, dear dimples.

Alex : (She jumps up) Oh my god! You what, you read that! Oh my god I am so embarrassed!

Joey : What? There’s nothing to be embarrassed about, although I got to say I think you could to much better.

Alex : Joey don’t say that.

Joey : Well I’m saying it, and another thing, I’m not so sure dimples is straight.

Alex : Really?

Joey : Yeah! But who cares what I think!

Alex : I do. I mean how did you feel when you read the letter?

Joey : I don’t know, I kinda laughed, kinda turned me on a little.

Alex : Ok, well what am I supposed to do with all of this?

Joey : Ok look Alex I’ll tell you what you should do. If you want someone then you have got to make a move, and I mean now.

Alex : Now?

Joey : Now, right now. Do it! Do it!

Alex : Ok (starts to unbutton her top)

Joey : Yeah! That’s what I’m talking about! Do it! Do it Alex, do it! Come on go get him, go get Eric! (Pushes her towards the door)

Alex : I’m sorry how’s that?

Joey : Eric, dimples!

Alex : Oh (She tries to act normally), right. Dimples, Eric is dimples.

Joey : Yeah Alex I cracked your code. (Joey sees him through the window) There he is Alex! Go make your move.

Alex : No, you know what. I wish I could talk to him but I’m to weak, I, good bye Eric, we’ll always have, like, whatever! (Leaves very quickly)

(Joey looks annoyed and goes out the other door where Eric is) 

Joey : Hey, wait, ok look this may not be my place but I need to talk to you dimples.

Eric : Ok. (Looks confused) What’s going on sunshine?

(Joey motions for him to sit down)

[Scene : The theatre where Joey is trying to direct the musical without Zach]

Joey : Alright everybody Zach is no loner with us due to creative differences, while we are all sorry to see him leave; it’s still going to be a great production. Any questions?

Walter : You’re not Zach!

Joey : Ok. Lets start with the final scene, places everyone. (Joey watches Lette walk down the stairs) Zach was not wrong there is something about that lady! Ok music.

(Gloria starts to sing, as does Walter)

Joey : No, no Walter. When you meet Gloria ok here, you need to walk into the middle, ok? And there needs to be more feeling, ok? And be a little more la (Joey sings a note) and a little less la (Joey sings a note that sounds exactly the same). And Gloria you need to be closer to Walter so he can get his arms around you, yeah.

(Joey moves Gloria closer to Walter)

Gloria : Just like Herman always trying to cop a feel! (Looks at Joey in distaste)

Joey : Sorry it’s really hard to control myself (Says Joey sarcastically).

(Gloria looks very smug)

Joey : Ok, you know what, moving on, lets go form the end of this scene where everybody sings together ok. (Walks over to one group of people) Alright now you guys, what I want you to do is one of those crissy-crossy things! And you guys I want you to do one of those jumpy-spinny things, alright! You got it here we go!

Old lady : But wait we don’t know what were doing!

(Everyone starts shouting at Joey)

Gloria : You’re the worst director ever!

Walter : You’re not Zach!

Old lady : Why doesn’t my son call me?!?

Joey : What! How should I know!

B. Mum : Lets get him!

[Scene: Outside Joey’s apartment where he is playing with some dolls trying to work out some of the choreography for the play]

Joey : (Keeps trying to work out a song and gets frustrated) Ah, it can’t be done! (Knocks all the dolls off the table in annoyance)

(Zach Enters)

Zach : Hey.

Joey : Hey. (Reaches for a book)

Zach : How did rehearsal go today?

Joey : Yeah, couldn’t have gone better!

Zach : Joey I know you’re lying. (Sits down) Now look, I’m sorry I lost my cool back there, its just when it comes to my job, I’m a perfectionist.

Joey : It’s ok Zach, you care a lot.

Zach : Yeah well they have so much potential, I mean take Walter if I could work with him one on one, by the time he’s a hundred and twenty he could be a star!

(They both laugh)

Zach : So can I come back?

Joey : You better come back; I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.

Zach : No problem I’ll take care of everything.

Joey : Ok great, oh and can you teach me the choreography for Modern Major General, I’m using these guys (picks up dolls) to try and figure it out this is Walter and this is Lette.

Zach : That’s no Lette!

Joey : You’re telling me!

[Scene : Outside of Alex’s apartment ]

Alex : Hey.

Joey : Hey Alex.

Alex : Um, listen I was thinking about this letter thing and I appreciate your interest but I would really rather just let it go.

Joey : No problem, I completely understand ok. Hey you want to come over and watch some TV.

Alex : Yeah that would be great.

Joey : Ok. 

(Grabs Alex’s arm and pulls her towards his apartment)

Alex : Ok, what?

(Joey pulls her inside his apartment and Eric is sat inside)

Alex : Oh my god!

Eric : Yes Alex it’s me. Don’t pinch yourself, this is real.

Joey : Oh. I’m sorry you to probably want to be alone, maybe its time for a little (makes a gesture telling Alex to unbutton her shirt).

(Joey leaves)

Alex : Um, Eric this is a little awkward.

Eric : Shhh. Joey told me about your letter. Your Italian stallion is here!

[Scene : Outside the apartment, Joey is sat waiting and then Alex throws Eric out the house ]

Alex : Get out of here you jerk!

Joey : Dude! You didn’t do the couch pose right! (Takes the champagne glasses form Eric and goes back inside)

[Scene : The theatre where the musical is being performed ]

(A scene finishes and everyone comes off stage)

Zach : (behind stage to everyone coming off) Wonderful, wonderful. That was great! Gilbert and Sullivan would be proud of you, especially those of you they knew personally!

Joey : Where’s Walter? Walter should be out there!

(Walter comes up to them in a wheel chair)

Walter : I can’t go on, my hip gave up again.

Bobbie : Mother knows the part of Fredrick!

B. Mum : I don’t do drag! Such a cheap laugh.

Candice : My god, what are we going to do?

Joey : Uhhhhh.

Candice : This is grandma’s big duet she’s going to be devastated.

(Gloria is on stage, and has started singing)

Gloria : (singing) My Fredrick in tears, he can not be this lion heart, he quails at the coming conflict.

(Gloria pauses and looks around, but nobody has come on stage at their cue)

Gloria : (She repeats her line) At the coming conflict.

(Joey has got changed into Walters costume and rushes on stage)

Joey : I bound myself to serve the pirate captain! Until I reach my one and twentieth birthday.

Gloria : Stay Fredrick stay!

Joey : When duty calls I must obey!

Gloria : Ohhhh, Herman! (Kisses Joey, who tries to get her off him, Alex, Gina and Michael are in the crowd and look shocked)

[Closing credits]

Transcribed by Chris for Joey Café.

Voir la fiche épisode, le script V.O. et le script V.F.

[Scene: Joey & Michael’s Apartment – Joey & Zach]

Joey: (picking up a present) Awww, I am gonna love this!

Alex: Hey!

Joey: Hey!

Zach: Hey, Alex!

Alex: So, are we all ready to pick names for Secret Santa?

Michael: Yeah, we’re just waiting for Howard.

Alex: Okay. (walks over to Gina, who’s at the table, whispering) Hey, listen, promise me that if you get Joey’s name for Secret Santa that you’ll give it to me, okay?

Gina: Oh, what now, you think you’re gonna get him the perfect gift and then he’s gonna realize (mockingly) Oh my god, I was supposed to be with Alex all along

Alex: There would also be a make-over montage, but that’s the basic idea.

Howard: (coming in with a hat in his hand) Hey!

Joey: Hey! Here we go!

Michael: Alright Howie!

Howard: Okay! The names are all ready for the Secret Santa and, since I did all the preparation, I’ll just go first.. (takes out a big, red piece of paper) Oh! Okay! This looks like somebody that might be fun to get a present for! (looks at Joey)

Joey: (taking a piece of paper) Well, what I want more than anything is a white Christmas... just a blanket of snow on the ground, you know, you can go bob-sledding, you can have snowball fights…

Michael: Joey, we’re in L.A….

Joey: Are we just saying obvious things now? (sarcastically) It’s Wednesday!

Michael: No, it’s not. (Alex pulls Howard to the side)

Alex: Hey! (pulls the piece of paper from Howard’s hand) Give me that! You cheater! Gee, I wonder whose name you put on the big, red piece of paper!

Howard: Damn it, it was the perfect crime! I should never have left you alive! (Alex stares at him blankly)

Alex: I get Joey, you take mine (gives him her piece of paper)

Howard: No,

not him! He doesn’t deserve a gift, I

hate him! (Howard storms out) (Gina walks over to Alex)

Gina: Jeez, did you have Michael or Zach?

Alex: (confused) I had Howard…


(Joey and Dean are in the patio, smoking cigars and drinking beer on two chairs, there’s a small table between them)

Dean: Aah! This is the life, huh? When you move in next door to me we can do this every day.

Joey: Hang out, smoke cigars, drink beers, just be guys, huh? (Joey hands Dean his beer bottle)

Joey: Can you open this for me?

Dean: Nu-uh, I just moisturized..

Joey: (yelling) Alex! We need another one opened up! (Alex enters, moaning)

Alex: Oh, for God’s sake! Jeez! (opens the twist-top beer bottle) (Dean gets up and goes around the small table to Alex)

Dean: I hope this isn’t too forward, but (looking Alex up and down, taking her hand in his) it just got a lot prettier out here… (kissing her hand)

Alex: I’m not making you any more sandwiches.

Dean: (smiling) We’ll see… (Michael enters)

Michael: Hey guys!

Dean: Heey!

Joey: What are you doing here? I thought you were going out with Abby?

Michael: Yeah, we got in this big talk about where our relationship is going..

Joey: Ooh, ‘The Talk’... what’d you tell her?

Michael: Well I said I didn’t know and.. uh.. now we’re taking time off until I can figure out what I want.. we uh.. we broke up, I guess…

Dean: Ooh..

Joey: Well, you know what Michael, you did the right thing. I mean, what you gonna do? Huh? Move in together? Get engaged? You don’t want that..

Alex: Oh really? Why? Because he might be in a (in a creepy voice) committed relationship?

Joey: (a little shook up) Well don’t say it in that scary voice.. (Alex leaves) I’m just saying, you don’t wanna jump into anything you’ll regret, okay? Abby was like your first real girlfriend.. ever!

Michael: Yeah, I know, but I also hated being single Joey, I was terrible at it.

Joey: Yeah, but you’re a changed man now, Michael. Once one girl gives you the stamp of approval other girls consent it. Women actually have a part of the brain that we don’t.

Dean: It’s called The Fibulon.

Michael: That is very not true.

Joey: Michael, being single is great, okay? You can say.. ‘Tonight, I’m gonna pick up and go to Tijuana’ and you just do it!

Michael: Yeah, but I never did that kind of stuff when I was single.

Joey: Okay, that is my fault, I am your uncle. It is my job to teach you about life, huh? So tonight we’re gonna go to Tijuana! Guys’ road trip! The men are going to Mexicoo! (Dean and Joey try to open the twist-top bottles, but fail)

Dean and Joey: (in unison) Aaaaalex! (cut to Joey’s apartment, later)

Joey: Michael, come on, let’s go!

Zach: Yeah, this is going to be awesome! Mexico, baby!

Michael: Alright, let’s go!

Joey: Alright! (to Gina) Zach knows all the cool hotspots to hit, we are gonna get so many women! Oh! Alex, you speak Spanish, how do you say “How you doin’?”

Alex: Yo tengo herpes.

Joey: (repeating after Alex) Yo tengo herpes. Got it! (gives Alex a thumbs up)

Dean: Hey guys, I’m sorry, I forgot I had plans tonight..

Joey: Awww!

Dean: But I wanted to drop off this map of Tijuana with some of my favorite entertainment venues. (showing something on the map) Like right here, there’s a great little family-owned restaurant where they hand-make the most delicious tamales… it’s also a whore house.

Joey: Aaah!

Dean: Have fun!

Gina: Oh, Michael, wait, I wanna make sure you have enough money.

Michael: You just want me to bring back some of those Mexican diet pills..

Gina: Yeah, the big, yellow ones. They make you feel crazy! (Gina and Michael go outside, Alex and Dean are all alone)

Dean: You know, I’m one of the investors in this new club, Access. We’re having a little party tonight and I thought you might like to bring that body of yours..

Alex: (offended) Oh, God.. I’m sorry, but why are you always hitting on me? And, why do you think I would like that?

Dean: I’m Dean. (grinning) I’m awesome.

Alex: How old are you?

Dean: I’m 51. How much do you weigh? (Alex looks at him, shocked)

Dean: Hey, you asked me a personal question, what are you, like.. a buck 15?

Alex: That is none of your business and I will have you know that after a bout with the ‘flu last week I was 108! God.. guys like you make me sick!

Dean: (still grinning) Oh really? What kind of guy am I?

Alex: You’re the kind that thinks that never growing up is cute, instead of just pathetic. You’re the kind who thinks that every other guy around him has to act like a childish jackass too, just so you can make yourself feel better about your own selfish, pointless, ridicu.. (Dean grabs her and kisses her, she pulls away) Oh my god! What are you doing?!

Dean: (in a causal voice) I dunno, that’s just the way I usually deal with pretty girls who’ve got the Yaps (makes a yapping motion with his hand)…

Alex: Un-believable.

Dean: Wait, wait, wait, look. You’re just this beautiful, young woman, you should be out there, breaking hearts, acting crazy, having fun! Instead of being so.. up-tight and attacking me and Joey for living a little..

Alex: (in a weird voice) I-I have fun!... I.. power-walk!

Dean: I’m just saying… you’re so sure you’re right and we’re pathetic, but maybe, maybe it’s the other way around..

Alex: Well maybe, maybe, yeah, uh, you’re a jerk. (exits towards her apartment, Dean exits towards the hot-tub) (Alex runs back inside)

Alex: You got a better comeback for… (sees he’s not there) Okay, he left.. that’s good.. (cut to a crowded bar in Tijuana, Joey, Zach and Michael are all drunk)

Joey: Yeah!

Zach: Woo!

Michael: Hey, that last place was interesting…

Joey: Yeah, it’s the first strip-club I’ve been to where you had to pay to get out.

Michael: Yeah…

Zach: Here’s an idea! Why don’t you two just (sapping) SHUT UP!

Joey: (sartled) What is wrong with you?

Zach: Ooh, when I first start drinking I get belligerent, but around my seventh drink it’s all “I love you man” and bear hugs. Then I black out into what I like to call The Mystery Zone.

Joey: Aah, The Mystery Zone, very dangerous place, Michael.. filled with ugly women and delicious hot-dogs

Michael: Aah..

Joey: Come on guys, I need a drink.. (they go over to the bar, and order 3 shots)

Joey: Yeaah! Isn’t this great, Michael? Look at all these girls, huh? (Joey and Zach down their shots, Michael hesitates)

Michael: I really shouldn’t drink, if I.. (Joey lifts Michael’s elbow, forcing him to drink it)

Joey: In ya go!

Michael: O-kay..

Joey: Alright, hey, hey woo, nice! (pointing at a beautiful girl, alone at a table) There’s your first victim. Go hit on her!

Michael: No, Joe, I’m never gonna pick up a girl in a bar, okay? You know, I was better off with Abby!

Joey: No, Michael! The only reason you’re thinking about Abby is ‘cause you’re afraid. You know what you should be afraid of?

Michael: What?

Joey: You should be afraid of commiting to someone to soon! Next thing you know, you’re on a one-way train to Marriage-Ville. And the train is dropping off so many miserable husbands and wives that, before you know it, there’s so many people in Marriage-Ville, that they have to build an airport! Then, no-one’s taking the train anymore and the train station becomes defunct. (looking at his glass) What the hell is in this? (downs another shot, so does Zach)

Michael: You know what? Okay! I’m gonna try. Just once, just to shut you guys up. Okay?

Joey: Okay!

Zach: Go get her! (a beautiful girl comes up to the bar and asks for a drink)

Joey: (turning to her) Holas! (in a sexy voice, raising his eyebrows) Yo tengo herpes… (the girl looks at him in disgust and exits)

Michael: (sitting down next to the pretty girl) Hi. Hey, I’m Michael.

Pretty Girl: Elisa. (they shake hands)

Michael: You’re very pretty, you look just like my mom. (She looks at him in a weird way, he tries to fix it, adding) but that’s a compliment, ‘cause my mom has an amazing body.

Joey: Looks like he’s doing well, I think he just said something about her body! (Zach and Joey laugh)

Michael: This one time I saw her from behind and didn’t know it was her (laughs), heh, I had some thoughts.. (gets embarrassed) But that’s for me and Dr. Porter to work out so… (mimics zipping up his mouth) What am I talking about? Why haven’t you stopped me yet!

Elisa: No hablo ingles?

Michael: (grinning) You don’t speak English? (Elisa shakes her head) (to the guys, happily) She doesn’t speak English!

Joey: Heeey! She doesn’t speak English! Michael might actually have a chance! (in a weird flight attendant voice) There’ll be no flights into Marriage-Ville this evening, due to heavy weather over Chicago, please be patient, you will receive a meal voucher. (pointing at the glass in his hand) I love this stuff! (he and Zach down another shot) (cut to Joey’s apartment, Gina’s there alone, Alex enters)

Alex: Hey! You know Joey’s neighbor Dean and his whole “lame-over-sex-Peter-Pan” act? This afternoon he had the nerve to tell me that I'm the one with a problem, that I don’t know how to have fun! (getting all weird) I mean.. that’s crazy! Would someone who doesn’t know how to have fun be able to do this? (goes behind the couch and mimics walking down stairs, disappears, then pops back up)

Gina: (sort of sympathetically) He may have a point..

Alex: Oh god.. I know.. he’s right! I don’t know what happened to me! I used to be fun, in college I used to go out every night partying, I was in a less-successful precursor of The Girls Gone Wild!

Gina: So what’s stopping you now? You’re a sexy, single gal, you should be out having fun, meeting guys…

Alex: Yeah, I guess it’s just ‘cause I’m so hung up on Joey…

Gina: Oh, enough of that! Come on! They get to go out to Tijuana, we are going out tonight, huh?

Alex: Okay.

Gina: Oh, and I know exactly what we’re gonna do! Have you ever wrestled another woman for prizes?

Alex: O-okay, I do wanna go out tonight and that sounds neat, um, but Dean actually mentioned a party, so…

Gina: Okay, we’ll go there then! We are going to go nuts tonight! It’s gonna be better than any Tijuana trip!

Alex: Yeah, those guys are probably just sitting around the hotel right now (they exit) (cut to the bar in Tijuana, Joey’s sitting on his back on a table, blindfolded, with Zach and Michael pouring Tequila in his mouth)

Crowd: Joey! Joey! Joey! (some other guys help him get up and he raises his hands, everyone quiets down. He reaches his hand out, the give him a knife, he aims and throws, everybody cheers and they take his blindfold off) (cut to Dean’s club, Gina and Alex just got here)

Dean: (greeting them) Heey! Alex, I’m really glad you came.. (checking her out) You look.. amazing. Drop by table later..

Gina: I think he’s into you!

Alex: That guy doesn’t know how to be into someone, he’s a pig.

Gina: All I know is he didn’t even look at me.. (a guy walks between them, looks at Gina and says “Nice!”) Thank you!

Alex: Okay, so should we find a place to sit and people-watch?

Gina: No, no! I thought you were gonna come loose tonight!

Alex: Ooh, yeah..

Gina: Come on.. what would college Alex do right now?

Young, handsome waiter: Champagne?

Alex: (turns around, confidently) Actually.. I think I’ll take a beer.. from your six-pack (lifts his T-shirt and pretends to take a beer from his six-pack, opens the fictional beer, pours it down, smashes the can against her forehead and throws it away) And recycle that! (doing a weird chicken-dance) Now dance for me, you dirty whore, yeah! (Waiter exits)

Alex: Was that too far?

Gina: (enthused) No!

Alex: (also enthused) Okay! (they exit) (cut to the guys hotel room in Tijuana, Joey is sleeping on the bed and Michael comes in)

Michael: Joe, wake up. Joey. Joey!

Joey: (Joey wakes up, scared, yelling) Hands off me! I’m an American! Oh.. it’s you. (obviously hung over) Are we still in Mexico, I don’t remember a thing..

Zach: (wakes up, very energetic, almost shouting) Well, well, well! Gooood morning! (he pulls the curtains and laughs, Joey and Michael shield their eyes)

Joey: No, hey! What’s the matter with you?

Zach: I don’t get hangovers, it’s my most irritating quality. Now, come on! Who’s in the mood for (ecstatically) scrambled egg and fish!

Joey: Oh, no, Zach, please.. Michael, did you have a good time last night?

Michael: Yes, I did. I don’t remember very much, but that girl Elisa is in my bed right now and, you know what, in the light of day, she’s still cute.

Joey: Ooh, yeah! (Zach coughs as Elisa enters, only wearing a blanket)

Michael: Oh.. (he gets up, Elisa looks at him)

Elisa: Different.. (Michael’s smile fades)

Zach: You know, I don’t really remember a thing after we left that bar last night..

Joey: Oh, I know. (Zach picks up a videotape)

Zach: What is this? “Nostra Boda”?

Michael: Our.. something, I don’t know. Why would we have made a video tape? (Zach puts the tape in the VCR)

Joey: (to Elisa, who’s fully dressed now) Hey, what does that mean?

Elisa: (gasps) Dios mio! (the tape starts playing, wedding songs play in the background, Michael and Elisa are going inside a chapel)

Michael: I think it means “Our Wedding”…

Joey: Oh my god, you’d gotten married?!

Michael: (freaking out) How could you let this happen to me?

Joey: Hey, don’t blame us Michael, you did this on your own! If I had been there, I would never have let… (Joey appears on the tape, wearing a sombrero, with a whip in one hand and a bottle of Tequila in the other, whipping the air and drinking half of what’s left from the bottle) Well, whoever that is, he’s very handsome..

Michael: This is how you show me how great single life can be, you get me married?! (Zach shushes him, cut to the tape, Michael cheers)

Joey: Why didn’t Michael go up to the altar? And what is Zach doing there? (Zach and Joey are in front of the minister, they hug)

Joey: (on tape, totally hammered) This is a weird party.. (Michael realizes something)

Minister: Estamos reunidos oy aqu? para celebrar uno de los momentos m?s grandes de la vida. El matrimonio de Joseph y Zach.

Zach: Woah, woah, wait! He said Zach! What does “Zach” mean in Spanish!

Michael: You know, I’m starting to think that I’m not the one who got married.. (Joey and Zach stand up from the bed, wide-eyed and raise their left hands, to see a wedding ring on each of them, look at eachother and scream)

Joey: Alex is a lawyer, we’ll talk to her about how to get out of this mess. Until then, no-one has to hear about this stupid marriage.

Michael: Okay… (Joey unlocks the door) Wait, wait, wait! Aren’t you gonna carry Zach over the threshold? (they both give him a “go to Hell”-look and throw Michael inside the house)

Michael: (awkwardly) Hey, how are ya?

Alex: Soo, Michael, did you enjoy the single life in Mexico?

Michael: Well, Alex, yes I did. (turning to Zach and Joey) I did enjoy the single life in Mexico. Um, mom, here are your diet pills.

Gina: (taking the container) Oooh! Full of FDAN-approved goodness! (runs off to the bathroom)

Joey: (sitting down on the couch, next to Alex) Okay, Alex, we need your help. Do you know any lawyers familiar with Mexican law?

Alex: Well my law firm does a lot of work with Mexico and Latin America. What did you guys do down there?

Joey: Okay, last night we got drunk.

Zach: Really drunk.

Joey: Yeah and.. woke up this morning and found out that (whispers) Zach and I got married

to eachother!

Gina: (yelling from the bathroom) You did


Joey: How did you even hear that?

Gina: What do you think grandma will notice first? That he’s a dude or that he’s black?

Zach: What do you think, my family’s gonna be happy that I married (points at Joey) an actor?!

Joey: Okay, no-one’s telling anybody’s families! (to Alex) Okay, this is what they gave us. Can you please see if there’s any way you can make this go away? It’s all in Spanish, we couldn’t even find the chapel in the morning!

Alex: Okay, I’ll look into it

Joey: Okay, thanks… (he turns around, Gina looks at him and tries to restrain from laughing) Don’t you.. don’t! (Joey and Zach are picking up their backpacks)

Michael: Hey look Joe.. Joe, hey! I know last night didn’t turn out great for you, but it was awesome for me..

Joey: Yeah? Well.. good, I’m glad (gives Michael a pat on the back).

Michael: When it comes to making, like, a big commitment, I’m gonna wait.. until I have something you know, as special as what you and Zach have. (Gina and Alex start laughing)

Joey: Alright, that’s enough, I’m not taking any crap from a guy who was talking about his mother’s body all night!

Gina: (touched) He was?! (gets up and hugs Michael)

Joey: No, no, I am not talking about this any more until (Howard walks by the opened door) Zach and I are no longer married!

Howard: (having eaves-dropped) Married? Joey, you’re…? Well, whatever makes you happy…

Joey: Howard, no..

Howard: No, no! And you know what? If my hero, Joey, is gay, then

so am I! Look out boys! (does that weird “woo-hoo” thing with his arms) Alright! (Howard Exits) (cut to Joey’s apartment, later. Alex enters with a stand with a camcorder on top)

Gina: What’s going on?

Alex: I checked. Joey’s marriage is meaningless. There is no gay marriage in Mexico and, besides, Joey signed this document Sombrero Pete, Lord of the Bow Whips.

Gina: Joey’s gonna be relieved…

Alex: Yeah but, uh, not quite yet… First, we’re gonna have a little fuun…

Gina: (looks at her smiling mischievously) Ooh, I like the fun Alex.

Alex: (seriously) Yeah, just follow my lead… (Joey and Zach enter)

Joey: Hey.. boy, this wedding ring is the best thing that has ever happened to my sex life, I’ve never hooked up more girl’s phone numbers, me and my wife. (they laugh) Alex did you do some research? Did you figure a way out of this mess?

Gina: I did make some calls.. I think you guys better sit down.

Joey: (scared, they sit down at the table) What? What’s going on?

Alex: Apparently this document is rock solid. (flatly) You guys are married.

Joey: What?!

Zach: Nooooo!

Alex: We have to file an official request with the Mexican Government. They require that you videotape (points to the camcorder) the proceedings. Gina, let’s begin? (Gina walks over to the camcorder and starts filming. Alex goes behind the guys and begins with “the proceedings”)

Alex: Commencing video request for the dissolution of gay marriage in the country of Mexico. Buenos d?as, El Presidente! (nudges Joey and Zach)

Joey and Zach: (in unison) Err, Buenos d?as, El Presidente!

Alex: Let the record show that the petitioners have wished the President a good morning. They are Joseph and Zach Tribbiani

Zach: Actually, I’ve chosen to hyphenate my last name.

Joey: (snapping) Did ya?

Zach: There you go! Belittling me in front of your friends again! Does it make you feel like a big man?

Joey: (somewhat embarrassed) Can we talk about this later?

Zach: When? After you’ve had four drinks and passed out on the couch?

Joey: Well maybe I wouldn’t drink so much if I didn’t have to come home every day to (pointing at Zach)

this! What are we talking about?!

Alex: Now.. under Mexican law, the only grounds for a male-male divorce is.. irreconcilable sexual differences.

Joey: What does that mean?

Alex: It means that you would have to describe, in detail, the point during your love-making where your lover became inadequate or (looks down, barely controlling herself) disappointing. (Gina turns away so they guys don’t see she’s laughing)

Joey: Whaaaat? This is crazy!

Alex: Well, I’m sorry, but you have no choice! (she looks away and tries to keep from laughing)

Zach: (sincerely, to the camera) Sometimes, when he holds me, it feels like he’s not really there..

Joey: (snapping) What the hell is wrong with you! (Zach crosses his arms, upset)

Alex: Joey, now it’s your turn. What is your sexual problem with Zach?

Joey: I don’t have one…

Alex: (writing in her notebook) Zach satisfies Joey completely.

Joey: No, no! Don’t write that!

Alex: Now, the last thing we need is El Beso Final… (clarifies) the kiss goodbye.

Zach: (in a feint voice) What?

Joey: What? No, I can’t… I’m not doing that!

Gina: If you guys wanna get divorced… (makes kissy sounds)

Joey: No, I can’t! Look, Miss El Presidente, please,

no El Beso Final, okay? Look.. you-you’re a worldly man, you understand what it’s like to get fogged out drunk and marry a dude, right? (he notices that Gina and Alex are laughing) What about it is so funny, why are you laughing? (he gets up, outraged) Oh my god, you’re messing with us!

Alex: (proudly) Yes, I am!


Not cool, Alex,

not cool! (walks towards the door)

Zach: Yeah.. you tell em baby!

Joey: (throws Zach an angry glare) We’re done with that! Look, I don’t mind a harmless prank… but wasting El Presidente’s time…

Howard: Look… Joey… I went to one of those bars… and I tried, I really tried, but I… can’t… gay… I’m sorry, I let you down…

Joey: Look, Howard, I was never gay!

Howard: (enlightened) Oooooh! I really wish I’d known that six hours ago… (Howard exits) (cut to the inner court between Joey’s and Alex’ apartments, later in the evening. Joey enters)

Alex: Hey, you still mad at me?

Joey: No, no, I’m okay. ‘Cause I’m gonna get you back, when you least expect it. Oh, by the way, I have this can of peanut brittle, would you like some? It is

delicious. (hands her the can of brittle, holding it like it were a bomb)

Alex: I think I’ll have it later…

Joey: Oh, yeah, later… when you

least expect it… (puts the can down, really carefully, on the edge of the deckchair Alex is lying on)

Alex: What, you’re leaving? No beso final?

Joey: Gotta hand it to you, you really got me before, that was a good one…

Alex: Well… there’s more where that came from!

Joey: What has gotten into you?

Alex: Well, I decided to make a change.. I think I need to have a little bit more fun…

Joey: What brought that on? (Alex tries to go back into her apartment, but Joey stops her) Nononono, come on, tell me, what?

Alex: Well I just been kinda hung up on this guy…

Joey: Really? Who?

Alex: It.. it doesn’t matter. The point is that I’m moving on.

Joey: Well good, you should!

Alex: Yeah, I’m going to!

Joey: Forget that guy!

Alex: Already have!

Joey: At a girl!

Alex: In fact, last night, I got numbers from three different guys!

Joey: Huh.. of course you did! You’re cool, you’re smart, you’re beautiful, a girl like you can have any guy you want.

Alex: You think so?

Joey: Pah! I know so. And I’ll tell ya another thing! Whoever that guy is, he doesn’t know what he’s missing (Alex kisses him passionately, Joey breaks off the kiss) Woah, woah, woah, what’re you doing?

Alex: This is how I deal with a guy who’s got the Yaps.. (she kisses him again, this time he kisses her back) (cut to Joey’s room, he’s carrying Alex inside, all the while kissing. He dims the lights and they collapse on the bed)

Alex: Em, just a, just a second, uh.. (she turns Hugsy around, so he doesn’t see what’s about to happen. They go back to kissing, Joey turns Hugsy around again, so he does see what’s about to happen) You know what, uh, let me get a little more comfortable…

Joey: Okay, sure, okay… (Alex reaches for her bra, only to notice it’s not there)

Alex: Oh, where’s my bra?

Joey: Ah, well, I took the liberty of removing it on the way upstairs…

Alex: That is amazing.

Joey: It’s part of my sexual slighter hand. I’ve also switched your underwear to a thong… (Alex looks down at her waist) Come on, Alex, I’m not

that good… (they go back to kissing, but Joey breaks it off) Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait… are we sure this is a good idea?

Alex: Oh, yeah… I’m all about enjoying life, I told you... it’s my new thing! We’re young and single, we should seize the moment!

Joey: (cuts in) Yeah, “oh yeah” was fine…

Alex: Okay (they start making out again)

Joey: You know what?

Alex: Huh?

Joey: I got something you really like… I got some champagne downstairs…

Alex: Aww, you remembered?

Joey: Of course! I’ll also grab some chocolate syrup and whipped cream.

Alex: Oooh, sexy, a little nine and a half weeks?

Joey: Uh, sure, yeah, if there’s enough (Joey downstairs, Gina enters)

Gina: You got a girl upstairs?

Joey: How do you know?

Gina: Huh, the only other time you move that fast is when the microwave timer rings…

Joey: (takes two glasses and a bottle of champagne) Well, excuse me if I’m trying to burn off a few calories before enjoying a croissant pocket… Out of the way, Alex is waiting.

Gina: Alex?

Joey: Yeah.

Gina: Joey, wait. I’m not so sure you should do this.

Joey: Ah, no-no, don’t worry, we talked, it’s totally cool. She told me all about her thing.

Gina: (incredulously) She told you she has feelings for you?

Joey: (confused) What?

Gina: (trying to cover it up) Errr… what you said, that she told you about her thing, that she has feelings for you.

Joey: That was

not her thing! Her thing was being fun, feelings is the opposite of fun!

Gina: Oh no, this is bad, you can

not tell her I told you that she’s in love with you!

Joey: In love with me? You said feelings!

Gina: Yeah, she’s been totally obsessed with you!

Joey: Obsessed?! You said love! (Gina’s lost for words) How long has this been going on?

Gina: Since the first time you guys slept together!

Joey: What?! All this time?!

Gina: Yeah, and it’s been really hard on her, you can

not sleep with her!

Joey: Right! (confused) Why?

Gina: Joey, she’s one of your best friends, it’ll screw up everything!

Joey: Right! Crap! (he puts down the glasses and the champagne) Right, well, I gotta get out of this. What do I do?

Gina: (she grabs his arms) Joey, you are gonna have to turn down sex! (he gasps)

Joey: I can do it! I can do it! I’ll just.. uh.. I’ll use some excuses women have used on me! (gina stares at him blankly, not understanding) Hey, hey! Several women have turned me down for sex… most on the day Princess Diana died…

Gina: Good luck…

Joey: Yeah… I’m gonna need it. I’m irresistible! You know what, I gotta find a way to tone down my sexiness… uh… (points at Michael’s rain hat and puts it on) Huh?

Gina: You look kinda cute…

Joey: (pouts) Of course I do! (cut to Joey’s room, Joey enters. Alex is on the bed, wearing nothing but a Rangers T-shirt)

Alex: Hey, tiger.

Joey: (standing at the door, in an awkward voice) Hey, fella! (he turns the lights back on)

Alex: Oooh, bright lights, you’re not shy, are you (she goes up to him and starts kissing him)

Joey: Woah, woah, woah! Slow down there, killer! (laughs awkwardly and sits down on the bed post) Aren’t we gonna talk first?

Alex: (confused) You wanna talk?

Joey: Yeah… I’m not a piece of meat, Alex… I have a mind… Foreplay starts here (points at his head).

Alex: You wanna talk? Okay, how’s this? (moves over to the bed post) Take off your shirt. (she tries to kiss him, but he runs to the window)

Joey: No, no, I, no, no!

Alex: Why not?

Joey: Well, I just, I don’t feel like my body is very pretty today…

Alex: What?

Joey: Yeah, besides, I’m bloated, I haven’t shaved my legs and, and the Princess! We lost our English rose! (fake cries)

Alex: What is going on?

Joey: Can I not mourn the people’s princess? (he sits down and looks outside)

Alex: Okay… You’re being really weird… Do you not wanna do this?

Joey: Ah.. (makes some incoherent noises, he doesn’t have the strength to say no) Whatever, you know… what do you wanna do?

Alex: Joey, I’m in your bedroom, my bra is off, I think you know what I wanna do…

Joey: (snaps his fingers, realizing) The Labria Tar Pits it is! (the Labria Tar Pits, are some… well… tar pits, right outside L.A.) I’ll be in my car

[Closing credits]

Transcribed by Doe for Joey Café.