Voir la fiche épisode, le script V.O. et le script V.F.
[Scene: Joey & Michael’s Apartment – Joey & Glen]
Glen: All right, so, here’s your schedule for today. And listen, you got a letter from a fan with a naked picture in it.
Joey: I’m going to need to see that.
Glen: I pre-screened this one. It’s pretty rough.
Joey: Glen, if a fan of mine went to the trouble to (Grabs the picture from Glen and opens it) Whoa! Wow, he’s hairy.
(Gina & Michael Enter)
Michael: Hey.
Joey: Hey.
Gina: Hey, sexy.
Joey & Glen: (In unison) Hey.
(Joey & Glen look at each other, each thinking the ‘hey sexy’ comment was for them)
Glen: As her boyfriend, um, I’m actually going to take that one.
Joey: Really? Sexy? (Sarcastically) Okay. Uh, where were we? Ah, my call sheet.
Glen: Right, so, oh, your sister Mary Teresa called. She’s all set for her visit this weekend.
Gina: Ugh. That is this weekend. I can’t stand her.
Michael: Wait, I can never keep the Tribbiani women straight. Mary Teresa’s the one with the mustache, right?
Joey: No, no. That’s Cookie, or Tina, cousin Marie, Grandma…
Gina: No, Mary Teresa is the fancy one. She thinks she is so much classier than me.
Joey: Gina, she’s family. She’ll stay here with me. It’ll be fine, okay? I know how to control the Tribbiani women. There’s a trick with each one of them. Veronica, food. Dina, shoes. Cookie? Four, maybe five, police officers.
Gina: Oh yeah? What trick do you use on me?
Joey: You think I could trick someone that looks that good and has an adult son.
Glen: A son who’s a genius.
Gina: Aww, you guys.
(Gina starts to walk away)
Michael: Wait a second, Mom. They just told you-
Joey: Michael. (Opens the naked picture of his fan)
Michael: Oh, my God!
[Opening Credits]
[Scene: The Airport – Joey, Gina & Michael]
Joey: Hey, I just checked the board. Mary Teresa’s plane is here.
Gina: Why are you so excited? I don’t get why everyone treats her like she’s so special.
Joey: She’s the baby in the family.
Gina: No, Dina’s the baby.
Joey: They’re only nine months apart.
Michael: Wait, weren’t all you guys nine months apart?
Joey: Yeah, mom was in The Medical Journal.
Michael: You know, I don’t even think I’d recognize Mary Teresa if I saw her.
Gina: Oh, she’ll be the one talking about her swimming pool. I bet she mentions that pool three times before we get to the car.
Joey: I’ll take that bet. How much?
Gina: $21.99.
Joey: The exact cost of a case of Rolling Rock?
Gina: That’s right.
Joey: Aha.
Michael: I can’t believe this is taking so long. I gotta get home. There’s a girl meeting me at the apartment.
Joey: Heeey.
Michael: No, no. She’s delivering something for my aquarium.
Joey: I’ll bet she is.
Michael: No, no. She works at the fish store on Pico.
Joey: Yeah she does.
Michael: Okay, seriously. Stop.
Joey: Okay. Oh, there she is; there she is.
(Mary Teresa enters, talking to a flight attendant)
Mary Teresa: And the moral of that story is: I love my pool.
(Gina holds up one finger)
Joey: Hey, Mary Teresa!
Mary Teresa: Joey, my celebrity brother! And Michael, what a good-looking man you’ve grown up to be. And Gina… are you okay?
Gina: I’m tall and I can eat whatever I want, so yeah, I’m doing okay.
Joey: So uh, how was your flight?
Mary Teresa: Oh, the stewardess said the funniest thing to me. She said, “Where did you get that giant ring?” (Holds up her hand to see her engagement ring)
Gina: Oh, you got engaged?
Mary Teresa: Walter proposed last week. It was so romantic; we were out by the pool.
(Gina holds up two fingers)
Mary Teresa: He got down on one knee. You see Gina, ordinarily when a man proposes, Dad isn’t holding the back of his neck saying, “Do it.”
Joey: (Laughs) Dad’s face was pretty red.
(Mary Teresa’s phone rings)
Mary Teresa: Excuse me. (Answers her cell phone) Hi, honey. Yeah, just landed. No, no. The switch for the patio lights is inside the pool house.
Gina: That’s three. Pay up.
Joey: No, I don’t think that one counts.
Gina: Judges?
Michael: That’s a pool mention.
Joey: Wha-what? I appeal.
Michael: Denied.
Joey: Agh!
[Scene: Joey & Michael’s Apartment – Joey & Mary Teresa]
Mary Teresa: Wow, I love your place. How many square feet is it?
Joey: Oh, I don’t know. 1,600?
Mary Teresa: That’s funny, I just bought a new Mercedes.
Joey: Anyway, you’re gonna stay here. The couch pulls out, so-
Mary Teresa: Oh, Joy. I can’t sleep on a pull-out couch. Isn’t my big brother gonna let me take his room?
Joey: Come on, you’re not seven anymore. That’s not gonna work.
Mary Teresa: Pretty please?
Joey: I love it, get up there!
(Mary Teresa goes up stairs; A girl knocks on the door; Joey answers it)
Joelle: Hello.
Joey: Hey… you. Uh, you tracked me down. Look, I was going to call you… but I lost your number.
(Michael & Alex enter through the back door)
Michael: Oh, Joelle. You’re here. Great.
Joelle: Hey, Michael. I brought the black light for your aquarium.
Michael: Thank you.
Joey: Ohh, you’re the fish store girl. I thought you were someone I slept with and never called back. Okay.
(Joey walks over to Alex)
Alex: So some girl shows up and you just assume you’ve hooked up with her.
Joey: Well, it happens a lot. It’s kind of hard to keep track.
Alex: Okay.
Joey: We haven’t…?
Alex: No!
Joey: You are missing out.
[Cut to: Michael & Joelle]
Michael: So, thanks for bringing this over. You know I could’ve just come by the store and picked it up?
Joelle: Oh, it was nothing. Besides, I wanted to see where you live.
[Cut to: Joey & Alex]
Joey: Why is the hot girl flirting with Michael?
Alex: That’s not very nice, and I have no idea.
[Cut to: Michael & Joelle]
Joelle: So um… where is the aquarium?
Michael: Oh, it’s in my bedroom.
Joelle: Oh, can I see it?
[Cut to: Joey & Alex]
Joey & Alex: (In unison) Oooh.
[Cut to: Michael & Joelle]
Michael: Um, I’d rather not. It’s sort fo my private space.
[Cut to: Joey & Alex]
Joey & Alex: (In unison) Oh.
[Cut to: Michael & Joelle]
Michael: Well, thanks for coming by. Oh well, um, if you give m your number, I’ll call you when the Tiger Fish comes in.
Michael: Oh, that’s all right. I don’t want to end up on a mailing list or anything. I’ll just call you at the store.
(Joelle Leaves)
Joey: Uh, what the hell was that?
Michael: What?
Alex: It looks like you have an admirer.
Michael: Yeah right. Now, if you’ll excuse me, me and my black light are going to go blow some fish’s minds.
(Michael goes into his bedroom)
Joey: That explains why Michael didn’t get all nervous around that girl. He has no idea she’s into him.
Alex: Well you should tell him, and then you should give him some pointers.
Joey: No, no, no, I’ve tried. Every time I get involved, I put too much pressure on him, and he blows it. I need to just leave him alone.
Alex: But he’s your nephew.
Joey: Look, Alex, the best thing I can do is just live my life in a sexual manner, and hope he learns by example.
(Mary Teresa Enters)
Mary Teresa: (Seeing Alex) Oh, good. The maid’s here. Hola! We are out of towels.
[Scene: The Courtyard – Gina, Joey, & Mary Teresa]
Mary Teresa: I thought I’d jump in the hot tub. Anyone care to join me? Gina, can you even go in since you got those things? (Indicates Gina’s chest)
Gina: Of course I can! In two more months.
(Gina Leaves)
Mary Teresa: Look at us. When we were kids, who would’ve thought you’d end up on a big prime time show and I’d end up engaged to the second most successful waterbed salesman in Bergen county?
Joey: The second most successful?
Mary Teresa: Oh, there’s no shame in that. Mr. Waterbed is an institution.
Joey: All right, well uh, I’m gonna go inside.
Mary Teresa: Oh.
Joey: Yeah?
Mary Teresa: Would you put my ring in your safe?
Joey: Uh, I don’t have a safe, but uh, I’ll keep it right here in my pocket; it’ll be fine. (Puts the ring in his pocket and it clatters to the ground) Huh. (Laughs) y body repels engagement rings.
[Scene: Joey & Michael’s Apartment – Joey, Gina & Michael]
Michael: Joey, hit the switch. I want to show you guys my black light.
Joey: Okay, sure.
(Joey turns out the light; Michael turns on the black light)
Joey: Wow, this reminds me of Studio 54 in the ‘70s.
Michael: Yeah? Wait, you were like ten years old.
Joey: So? Wow, this is weird. How come the stones in your bracelet are all lit up but Mary Teresa’s ring isn’t?
Michael: Under short wave UV light, only real gemstones glow.
Gina: Wait a second? Does that mean her diamond is fake. (Looks up) Oh God, please let me have this. I never asked your or anything!
Joey: (In a deep voice, imitating God) You always ask me for stuff.
Gina: Don’t do that! You sound just like Him.
Michael: Yeah, you know, this isn’t glowing at all. This thing’s fake.
Gina: Is it? (Gasps) Oh, happy day! I can’t wait to tell her.
Joey: Oh, no, you can not tell her!
Gina: Why are you always trying to protect her? This is my chance to prove to her she is not fancy.
Joey: You’re just going to hurt her. What do you stand to gain?
Gina: I get to hurt her.
(Mary Teresa enters and sees everyone looking at herring)
Mary Teresa: It’s really something isn’t it?
Gina: Uh huh, it is.
Mary Teresa: Walter won’t tell me how much it costs, but he said I was worth every penny.
Gina: Oh, he is right. You truly deserve this.
(Gina hands the ring to Mary Teresa; Mary Teresa puts it on her finger)
Mary Teresa: I think I’ll have some wine for dinner. Oh, I’d offer some to you Gina, but I’m guessing you’re already drunk.
Gina: Hey, I may drink but at least I’m not dating someone who is constantly being mistaken for one of the three stooges.
Mary Teresa: Yeah, the best looking one: Moe. I know why you’re being so petty. You’re just jealous because I have Walter who buys me lovely things like this. (Holds her engagement ring in Gina’s face)
Gina: Buys? Or digs out of a cereal box?
Joey: Okay! Why don’t you two stop criticizing each other and criticize other members of the family, huh? Like, what about Tina, huh? What do we hate about her?
Gina: Well, she is pretty dumb.
Mary Teresa: Yeah, remember when we told her that jellybeans were diet pills?
Gina: Oh, she got so fat.
Mary Teresa: And then when we told her that jellybeans were birth control pills?
Gina: Oh, she got so pregnant. Ha, she might be the dumbest Tribbiani.
Joey: Oh, yeah, see? This is what I wanted. You guys get along. Look at us. Hanging out, having fun. No one’s talking about Gina’s drinking, or Mary Teresa’s fake ring. This is great.
Mary Teresa: My fake what?
Joey: I’m dumber than Tina!
[Scene: Joey & Michael’s Apartment – Mary Teresa is on the phone with Walter]
Mary Teresa: I can’t believe my ring isn’t real! What am I going to find out next: that you’re not the second largest waterbed salesman in Bergen county? Fourth?!
Gina: Oh, I have to go to the bathroom so bad, but I don’t want to leave.
Mary Teresa: Well you don’t have to worry about how much the wedding’s going to cost, ‘cause there isn’t gonna be a wedding, and I’m keeping the Mercedes! Leased?!
Joey: I feel so bad. Why’d I have to tell her about the ring?
Gina: Well it serves her right. Maybe she’ll learn not to fall for guys just for their money. Her whole life she has gone from Walter to Walter.
Joey: Wasn’t there a David in there?
Gina: Ah geez, you are worse than Tina. I was speaking metamorphically.
Mary Teresa: Well screw you Walter! Oh, and I have news for you. Since I’ve been here, I’ve been sleeping on a conventional mattress and I love it! (Hangs up and throws the phone) Well you were right. The ring’s a fake.
Joey: Aw.
Mary Teresa It’s not even cubic zirconia. It’s part of a pirate’s costume.
Joey: Hey, hey. You’re gonna be okay. You are family, and we are gonna help you get through this. Right, Gina?
Gina: (On the phone) Mary Angela, you are not gonna believe what just happened.
Joey: Gina!
Gina: (Phone) I’ll call you back.
Mary Teresa: I have nothing to go back to. What am I gonna do?
Joey: Hey, this could be good. You know? You’re whole life you’ve always had someone like Walter to take care of you. Maybe this could be a chance for you to stand on your own.
Mary Teresa: You’re right. I don’t need a rich husband.
Joey: There you go!
Mary Teresa: I have a rich brother! (Hugs Joey)
Gina: There you go!
Mary Teresa: I’m gonna stay here, and you’re gonna take care of me now.
(Mary Teresa goes upstairs)
Joey: Did I just become-?
Gina: You sure did, Walter.
[Scene: Joey & Michael’s Apartment – Joey & Michael – Alex enters, carrying laundry]
Alex: Hey.
Joey: Hey.
Alex: Where’s Mary Teresa? I have her laundry.
Joey: You did her laundry?
Alex: Well, she thinks I’m the housekeeper. I don’t like conflict. Just please don’t tell her that I speak English.
Mary Teresa: (Yelling from upstairs) Is that you, Alex?
Alex: Un momento, por favor, Miss Mary Teresa!
(There’s a knock on the door; Michael answers it)
Michael: Oh, Joelle. Come on in. What’s up?
Joelle: Oh, well, the fish food came in. And I thought that you might want to take this bottle of wine and watch the meteor shower. Maybe we could drive up to Mulholland and check it out.
Michael: That’s a great idea.
[Cut to: Joey & Alex]
Alex: Oh, so far so good.
(Joey starts to write something on a card)
[Cut to: Michael & Joelle]
Michael: Ooh, you know who else loves a good meteor shower? My friend Seth.
[Cut to: Joey & Alex]
(Joey hands Alex the card he was writing on)
Alex: (Reading the card) “Will invite Seth.” Wow.
[Cut to: Michael & Joelle]
Joelle: You know, actually, that’s not really what I want to do.
Michael: (Confused) Okay. You brought it up.
Joelle: Um, so uh, maybe I’ll just see you at the store.
Michael: Okay. Bye.
(Joelle Leaves)
Michael: That’s weird. Everyone knows, the more eyes the better at a meteor shower. I mean, get a clue, Joelle! I’m gonna go check out the sky right now.
(Michael Leaves)
Alex: I can’t stand this anymore. That girl is losing interest. We have to do something.
(Joey hands Alex another card)
Alex: He will not die a virgin.
[Scene: The Courtyard – Alex & Michael]
Alex: Hey.
Michael: The stars are amazing aren’t they?
Alex: Yeah, they are. Um, but sometimes, when a woman looks at the sky with a man, she doesn’t want to talk about the stars, if you know what I mean.
Michael: Yeah, I guess so.
Alex: I’m just saying that sometimes you’re not great at picking up signals when a girl is into you.
Michael: Oh, my God.
Alex; Yeah Michael, open your eyes. Tonight you have this opportunity to-
(Michael grabs Alex and kisses her)
Alex: Michael, what are you do-?
Michael: Shh, shh, shh. Alex, that is the only kiss we can ever share, all right? I’m flattered, but you’re married!
Alex: I’m not talking about me!
Michael: You’re not?
Alex: No! I’m talking about Joelle. The fish girl likes you!
Michael: Yeah, right. Like I could ever get a girl like that. She’s way out of my league.
Alex: Well, you just kissed me. You think I’d be into you?
Michael: Well yeah, you and I are kind of on the same-
Alex: No, we are not!
[Scene: Joey & Michael’s Apartment – Joey & Gina – Mary Teresa & Glen Enter]
Joey: Oh, you went shopping again?
Mary Teresa: Yeah, here’s your credit card. Thanks for letting me use it.
Joey: Oh, thanks for taking it out of my wallet while I was sleeping.
Mary Teresa: I’m gonna go upstairs and finish redecorating.
Joey: What?
(Mary Teresa goes upstairs)
Gina: (To Glen) How was your day?
Glen: Great, awesome. I quit.
Joey: What?
Glen: I’ve worked for some difficult people. Betty White put a cigarette out on my arm. But your sister is by far the worst.
Joey: Wow, I had no idea you were so fed up.
Glen: You know, part of my job is pretending to be okay with people’s crazy requests?
Joey: So were you mad when I made you play Hide and Go Seek at the mall?
Glen: Only when I was hiding and you forgot and went to a movie.
(Alex Enters)
Alex: I just wanted to let you know that I won’t be hanging around anymore. Mary Teresa fired me as your maid.
Gina: What?
Alex: Yeah, she found silverware in my purse and accused me of stealing it. It was mine; I was taking it back. I don’t even know how it got here.
Joey: Oh, we borrowed it for British Night. Glen dressed up as a butler, and we made him speak in an accent. (Gasps, to Glen) You hate that too?!
(Mary Teresa comes downstairs)
Mary Teresa: You guys are so loud. I was trying to be creative. (Sees Alex) Hey! You don’t work here anymore. No trabajo! Joey, check her pockets.
Gina: God, she is awful! You have got to tell her to get out of here.
Joey: Maybe you’re right. I mean, Glen, I don’t want to lose you. And Alex, you deserve a second chance. All right. I just got to think of a nice way to get rid of her.
Gina: Leave her in the desert!
Glen: Push her off a bridge!
Alex: Dale con un coche. Uh, sorry, hit her with a car.
[Scene: A Jewelry Store – Joey & Gina]
Gina: Wait, so let me get this straight. You’re gonna buy a real engagement ring, give it to her, and tell her it’s from Walter?
Joey: Yeah, that way she forgives Walter, goes home, and I can go back to just dealing with one crazy sister.
Gina: Ugh, I just can’t believe you’re doing this.
Joey: Why does it bother you do much? Don’t you want her to go back too?
Gina: It’s not that. It’s just the way you treat her. I don’t care if the rest of the family dotes on her. But you? You should know better.
Joey: Are you jealous?
Gina: No. I don’t need any of that stuff. I can take care of myself. But you know, every once in a while it might be nice to be spoiled.
Joey: Gina, we both know that if I did nice stuff for you, you’d hit me.
Salesman: May I help you?
Joey: Yeah, I’d like to buy an engagement ring. Something cheap.
Gina: But big.
Joey: But cheap.
Gina: But a real diamond.
Joey: Yeah, yeah, but I don’t care if it’s cloudy, or chipped, or stolen from a grave, you know?
Salesman: May I say, you two are going to be very happy together.
Joey: Oh, no. This is my sister.
Salesman: Oh, so the ring’s for someone else?
Joey: Yeah, my other sister.
(The Salesman looks at Joey strangely)
Joey: Oh, your family’s perfect?
[Scene: Joey & Michael’s Apartment – Gina & Joey]
Joey: Mary Teresa! Could you come down for a second?
Gina: I still think this is a stupid way to get rid of her.
Joey: I am not leaving her in the desert!
Gina: Well, we don’t have to do mine! Glen and Alex had ideas, too!
(Mary Teresa comes downstairs)
Joey: I have something for you.
Mary Teresa: A mink? A car? A pony?
Joey: (Laughs) Don’t guess; no, no. No, it’s from Walter.
Mary Teresa: Walter?
Joey: That’s right. He wanted you to have this. (Shows her the ring) Oh Walter, it’s so beautiful!
Mary Teresa: Wow, it really is. But, he lied to me. He has to win me back. I mean, where’s the speech? The big gesture?
Gina: Well, when Joey was on the phone with Walter, there was a speech that went a long with the ring. I can’t believe you did it without the speech. Do the speech.
(Joey glares at Gina)
Joey: Oh, yeah. Ri-right. Walter told me to say some stuff. He said that, uh, he wanted you to know that he loves and cherishes you. That you are the most special woman in the whole world, and he can not wait to spend the rest of his life with you. Aw.
Mary Teresa: Eh. Maybe I’ll just keep the ring and stay here.
Joey: What? Uh… wait, no! (Whispering to Gina) Help me.
Gina: (Sighs) Mary Teresa… I am very relieved you are not going back to him. I have always been so jealous of you. If you married Walter, it would just drive me crazy.
Mary Teresa: Really?
Gina: Yeah. I mean, if you’re not going to go after him, then I might just have to go after him myself. I might just have to marry Walter, and finally be fancier than you. I will swim in your pool.
Mary Teresa: (Gasps) Never! You can’t have him. I’m marrying Walter.
Gina: Oh, I have said too much. Now I’ve lost him.
Mary Teresa: I’m gonna go call Walter and tell him I’m coming home.
Joey: Do you have to go? I mean, if you do, there’s a 7:00 flight.
Mary Teresa: I better go pack. I wish I hadn’t fired Alex. I mean, she was a thief, but man could she fold.
(Mary Teresa goes upstairs)
Joey: Thank you.
Gina: Aw, you gonna be okay now that you’re favorite sister’s gone?
Joey: Gina, she’s not my favorite sister.
Gina: No?
Joey: I picked you up a little something at the store.
(Joey pulls out a small box)
Joey: It may be the world’s smallest diamond.
Gina: Aw, you shouldn’t have done that.
(Gina punches Joey’s shoulder)
Joey: I love you too.
Gina: Would you be offended if I tested it under the black light?
Joey: No, no. I’m curious myself. It was pretty cheap.
[Scene: Joey & Michael’s Apartment – Joey, Gina & Michael]
Michael: You know what? If Joelle’s into me, I’m going to call her.
Joey: You’re going to call another woman? Alex is right here.
Alex: You said you were going to stop making fun of me.
Joey: Yeah, I lied.
Michael: Ok, I got her machine. That’s good. (Into the phone) Hi, Joelle. This is uh, this is Michael. So look, my neighbor was just telling me that I was missing a few signals earlier and that you wanted to go out with me. So uh, I think we should do it. Uh, I mean, go out, not have sex. I mean, it would be nice because I’m a virgin. I mean, I’m not a virgin. I’ve just- I’ve never been with a woman. Not that I’ve been with a man. I just-
(Alex grabs the phone from Michael and hangs up)
Joey: He’s actually getting better.
[End]
